Category Archives: English

The Goat, the Wolf, and the Cabbage, OR: Poor Purchasing Decisions

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A couple friends of mine made a game
and they named their stupid game company after this riddle
which happens to be VERY OLD.
When I told them how old the riddle was
they were like “holy shit we’ll pay you to do a re-telling of it”
and I was like “well I was just going to I MEAN YES PAY ME”
then I loaded up the post I’d already written
and changed exactly nothing about it
except this little preamble
about how you should seriously buy their really cool game
it’s about fooling nazis and you can watch me win at it on twitch sometimes
anyway, let me tell you about this dumb farmer and his problems.

Right so there’s this farmer
let’s call him Dick
Dick is not a very successful farmer
as evidenced by the fact that he has to go to the store
to buy a goat
a cabbage
and for some reason
a wolf
you would think if he needed cabbages
he could grow some on the farm that he has
the goat makes sense
but why the fuck does he need a wolf?
wolves are like the exact thing you want to keep out of your farm
and this dude is spending money
(which he probably doesn’t have a lot of
seeing as he can’t even grow fucking cabbages)
to ACQUIRE THE THING HE IS MOST AFRAID OF
that would be like being afraid of nuclear weapons
and so purchasing a bunch of oh
oh okay I get it.

Anyway the only store in the area
that sells both goats AND wolves AND cabbages
is on the other side of the river
so he rents a boat to get to the store
further increasing the cost of this errand
and then on the way back
he realizes he has a problem
i mean
he realizes he has a brand new problem
on top of all his previously existing problems.
The problem is this:
the boat can only hold him and one of this three dumb purchases.
if he leaves the wolf alone with the goat
the wolf will eat the goat
(this will likely still be a problem on the farm
also I wouldn’t feel great about having a wolf in a boat with me)
If he leaves the goat alone with the cabbage
the goat will eat the cabbage
and the grass under the cabbage
and the dirt
and any part of the mantle soft enough to chew
because goats are awful

so how does he solve this problem he created for himself?
SPOILERS:
he takes the goat across
then he takes the cabbage across
but he doesn’t just leave the goat there with the cabbage
because despite all prior evidence, he is not an idiot
no, he brings the goat BACK WITH HIM
and then LEAVES IT ON THE ORIGINAL SHORE and takes the wolf
then he puts the wolf with the cabbage
and goes and gets the goat
which has probably eaten half of the landscape by now
and the farmer lives happily ever after
until his long string of bad business decisions finally ruin him.

That’s the least interesting part of this story, though
the MOST interesting part
is that this riddle shows up fucking EVERYWHERE
Italy, Estonia, Russia, Scotland, fuckin Ghana
Ethiopia, Russia, seriously, EVERYWHERE
but my favorite version of the story comes from Zimbabwe.
Now in this version
our hero has acquired not three, but FOUR incompatible items:
a leopard, a goat, a rat, and a basket of corn.
He can still only take one thing across the river at a time
so what the fuck is he gonna do?
If he takes the goat across, the rat eats the grain
if he takes the grain across, the goat eats the rat probably
goats eat anything
if he takes the leopard across, he’s in a boat with a leopard
there’s no winning
so the dude is like “hmm
maybe i should get rid of one of these rowdy animals
then this problem would have a logical solution
but I can’t do that
these animals are like family to me
ever since I drove away my family with my dumb purchases
you know what?
fuck this logic puzzle
I don’t need to cross that river
I live here now.”
and that’s what he does.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re the kind of person who spends money on wild carnivores
don’t try to logic your way out of the problem
fucking own your stupidity.

The end.

Alice and Her Adventures in Gaslighting

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Right so there’s this kid Alice
she doesn’t have anything to do because she is a kid
and child labor is like frowned on or something
so instead she is just sitting under a dumb tree with her sister
when this rabbit runs by

now normally this would not be unusual
rabbits can only move by running
and they don’t normally stop to hang out
pretty rude honestly
but this rabbit is wearing PEOPLE CLOTHES
and a little pocketwatch
and is muttering to himself in HUMAN ENGLISH
about how late he is
and she’s like “hey sis did you see that?”
and her sister is like “I didn’t see anything.”
THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS.

So Alice is like “fuck you” and she follows the rabbit
and she’s a dumb clumsy baby so she falls down his rabbit hole
it is incredibly deep for a rabbit hole
giving her enough time to resign herself to death
and then start thinking about her cat
but she doesn’t die for some reason
she lands in a big fancy room with a key and some drugs in it
the drugs say “drink me” on them so she figures she’d better
and they turn her into a tiny person
which is good because there is a tiny door to go through
but she left the key on the table when she drank the drugs
and now she can’t get it
it’s like one of those procedural adventure game puzzles
where if you fuck up the order you have to wipe your save file and restart
Alice should kill herself is what I’m saying
but no, instead she mopes around until she finds a cake that says EAT ME on it
and she’s like “fuck you too, cake”
but then she eats it anyway
all of it
and it makes her enormous
SHE TOOK TOO MUCH
BAD TRIP BAD TRIP
she starts crying and crying
she floods the whole room because she is so huge
she is an ecological crisis
then the rabbit rolls in and is like “HOLY FUCK A GIANT WOMAN”
and she’s like “HOLY FUCK A TALKING RABBIT”
but only the rabbit is capable of fleeing
so he does, and he leaves a little fan behind
which Alice STEALS because she is a BAD PERSON
so it serves her right when the fan makes her shrink again
once again without the fucking key
and she starts drowning in her tears

So then a bunch of animals show up
and engage in a stupid and pointless game called a Caucus Race
which I’m sure is an utterly gripping political allegory
until Alice scares them away by talking about her cat
for a person trapped in an acid trip
Alice spends a lot of time talking about her cat
I guess this sort of behavior predates the internet

Anyway then the rabbit shows up again
to try and recover his clothing accessories
but all he finds is a tiny girl in a sea of tears
so naturally he assumes she’s his maidservant
and sends her to his house to get more gloves and fans.
Alice does as she’s asked
(oh yeah that whole room and locked door disappeared
continuity is for weenies)
but she only makes it as far as the rabbit’s bedroom
when she finds his drugs that he just left lying on the counter
so she chugs the drugs because it’s been going GREAT SO FAR
and what do you know, she becomes giant again
she becomes so giant she cannot move inside the house
she is just a bunch of shitty arms and legs sticking out of a house
as a result of drinking some liquid
that this rabbit just LEFT OUT ON HIS COUNTER
like DO YOU REALIZE THE MILITARY APPLICATIONS OF THIS SHIT?
Didn’t they make a garbage cgi sequel to this story
where they had to fight a war or something?
where the fuck was this super soldier serum in that movie
seems like it would have been way useful

anyway all these animals gather to pelt Alice with rocks
and the rocks turn into cake
which she eats and it makes her tiny again
so there is like NO CONSISTENCY TO WHAT THESE THINGS DO
SOMETIMES THE CAKE MAKES YOU SMALL, SOMETIMES HUGE
THIS IS POOR UI DESIGN IS WHAT THIS IS
whatever
Alice leaves the rabbit’s definitely ruined house
and wanders into some woods
because that seems fucking safe.

in the woods she eventually runs into a caterpillar
but the caterpillar is too stoned to be of any fucking use
it’s just like “yeah man eat some of this mushroom i’m sitting on
i am sure it will solve ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS.”
and through trial and error Alice soon discovers that
JUST LIKE EVERY INGESTABLE THING IN THIS WORLD
part of the mushroom makes her smaller
and the other part makes her large
or at least her neck grows longer
and by carefully combining these two potent pharmaceutical mushrooms
she is able to once again achieve a normal size
just in time to start trespassing on someone’s estate.

I mean whatever, right?
we’re talking about a world in which potent size-altering drugs are LITERALLY EVERYWHERE
private property is right out the window.
There’s a duchess who lives on this estate, but who the fuck cares
the important thing is her cat.

Fuck
the Cheshire
Cat
this ephemeral, gaslighting shitwit
seems to have been placed in Alice’s path
solely to erase her love for cats
all leering at her from the branches of trees
questioning her sanity
not even providing her with any good drugs
seriously, cat
EVERYBODY in wonderland’s got the good drugs
you couldn’t even throw her a pack of cigarettes?
NOPE
JUST CRYPTIC STATEMENTS AND AN EERIE LINGERING SMILE
A SMARMY CRESCENT OF SHIT-EATING TEETH
fuck this cat, is what i’m trying to say

the next clown posse Alice runs up on is no better
these three ICP rejects are just sitting around a table in the woods
having a fucking tea party
one of them is a rabbit
but not a nice pocket-watch carrying rabbit
a gnarly hobo rabbit
who is best friends with a haberdasher suffering from mercury poisoning
and a mouse who is CLEARLY addicted to heroin
all of whom are engaged in this perpetual teatime circlejerk
because they are too high to remember how time works
and are convinced that TIME ITSELF IS PUNISHING THEM
BY TRAPPING THEM AT 6PM FOREVER
at this point Alice is fed up with their bullshit entirely
and just leaves
bringing the total narrative impact of this trio of acid casualties
to exactly ZERO

Finally Alice runs into some dudes who are playing cards
they are painting some white roses red
because in a land where mushrooms can actually alter your size
landscaping is a fucking mystery.
These dudes work for the queen of hearts
who is also a playing card
and not some kind of hot cougar lady
although i don’t know, maybe
we don’t get a ton of character development
she mainly just stomps around demanding that people get beheaded
she fucking loves beheadings
she is like the whole french revolution stuffed into a ladysuit
and then the ladysuit is smashed flat by a trash compactor
and stuffed into a giant playing card
which would have been a novel way to counter the french revolution.

ANYWAY the queen invites Alice to play croquet with her
but it quickly becomes clear that no one knows how to play croquet
for one thing
in the game of croquet
one does not substitute mallets for LIVE FLAMINGOS
which is common sense
since the only sports which involve birds in any way
involve the KILLING of birds
because BIRDS ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING ELSE

yeah so then something happens
and another thing happens
and then the queen gets mad because someone stole some pastries
so naturally
based on some serious profiling
she accuses the Knave of Hearts
(aka the Jack of Hearts)
and everybody sits down to have a trial
which is a farce
because everybody knows the queen is just going to behead everybody anyway.
Pretty much all the animals from the story so far are here
like, apparently the rabbit works here
this is his job
seriously like everybody is here except for the caterpillar
the caterpillar was gonna go
but then it got high.
So then just when they are about to call Alice as a witness
(despite the fact that what the fuck could she possibly know)
her genome finally succumbs to the tremendous strain she’s put it under
by repeatedly changing size
and she starts growing for no reason at all
and everyone is like “STOP GROWING IT IS ILLEGAL”
and she’s like “FUCK YOU GUYS I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT I’M A GIANT”
which is EXACTLY WHY THEY SHOULDN’T LEAVE BOTTLES OF GROWTH HORMONE EVERYWHERE
but just as when shit is getting real
Alice
who is the new god of this tiny stupid world
WAKES UP.

COME

THE FUCK

ON.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A CLASSIC WORK OF LITERATURE
BUT IT’S REALLY MORE LIKE LEWIS CARROL WRITING HIMSELF INTO A CORNER
WITH A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TWEEN TRYING TO BE “SO RANDOM”
AND THEN HE WAS LIKE OH NO OH SHIT WHAT NOW
OH AHA YES IT WAS ALL A DREAM
PERFECT.

SO YEAH I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE MORAL IS
NOTHING HAD CONSEQUENCES OR ANYTHING
SO I GUESS JUST LIKE
DON’T EVER GO TO SLEEP?

GREAT
AWESOME
GOODNIGHT

The Elephant’s Child is a Story About Child Abuse, Straight Up

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[Time for this month’s Patreon-selected myth!
Want a say next month?
Fucking pay me, then.]

Right so there’s this elephant
you wouldn’t recognize him though
because at this point in history
all elephants have nubbly little pig noses
it is disgusting.
Also this elephant can talk
so that’s pretty huge.

This elephant uses his miraculous power of speech
to ask his family
(which, disturbingly, is composed mostly of non-elephants)
questions about natural history
and how, oh my bae, do they respond to these questions?
they respond by beating him savagely.
This story is a master class in pro parenting strategy.

But this little elephant is less afraid of beatings
than he is of not knowing absolutely everything about animals
so he keeps asking questions
and getting his ass whupped
until one day he comes up with a brand new question:
“What does a crocodile have for dinner?”
this question so disturbs the members of the elephant’s family
that they beat him savagely.

The problem with relying on savage beatings as a sole method of instruction
is that it provides no mechanism
for distinguishing which questions REALLY shouldn’t be asked
and that is why, oh my bae
when the little elephant fails to receive an answer to this latest question
he makes a crucial mistake:
he asks a bird what to do.

The bird he asks is called a Kolokolo bird
and it has no qualms about sending a baby elephant to go talk to a crocodile
so that’s what it does
it says “Go to the banks of the nastly, sludgy Limpopo river
and I’m sure someone will be DELIGHTED to talk to your ignorant ass.”
so the little elephant packs an incredible amount of food:
a hundred pounds of bananas
a hundred pounds of sugar cane
and seventeen melons
I guess so that he can throw food at a crocodile and see what it eats.
But the first creature he runs into is not a crocodile
it is a Bi-Colored-Python-Rock-Snake
in other words, oh my bae
it is yet another animal that a baby elephant should not fuck with

But the baby elephant doesn’t know this
because the only way anyone has ever tried to convey knowledge to him
is with savage beatings
so he goes up to the snake and he says “hello friend
could you please tell me what a crocodile has for dinner?”
and the snake
being a sly and inscrutable teacher
responds by beating him savagely.

But though he is battered and bruised
the elephant’s wilful optimism/ignorance remains intact
he limps through the swamp until he finds the Limpopo river
where a crocodile lurks in the water.
So the baby elephant is like “Hello friend
are you a crocodile?”
and the crocodile says “Yup hi”
and the elephant says “I was just wondering what you eat for dinner?”
and the crocodile is like “why though?”
and the elephant is like “huh
nobody ever turned that around on me like that.
I guess I’m just curious
and I don’t have thumbs so I can’t look it up on my phone
help me out?”
and the crocodile says “Suuuuure buddy
just come over here and let me whisper in your ear
tell you somethin’ that you might like to hear”

So the elephant goes over to the crocodile
who predictably grabs him by the snout with his teeth
and the elephant is like “I don’t like the look of this at all!”
and the crocodile is like “wait til you see my dick
naw I’m just kidding
unless you say I can
and I’m known to be a real nasty man”
and the elephant is like “How do you keep rapping with my nose in your mouth?
Also are you trying to eat me or have sex with me?
I’m confused”
but just then the bi-colored-python-rock-snake shows up
like “MY WORD, YOUNG PACHYDERM, DO YOU NEVER CEASE WITH YOUR INTERROGATIVES?
THIS LEATHER-CLAD RIVER RUFFIAN SEEMS HELL-BENT ON YOUR CONSUMPTION!”
(bi-colored-python-rock-snakes always talk like this
they read a lot and they don’t get out much
so when they get a chance to talk they just go ham)
then he wraps one end of his snake body around the elephant’s tail
and the other end he wraps around a tree
and he tugs that dumb elephant out of the water
until the crocodile lets go
and swims away to record his new hit single “Dangerous” featuring Wyclef Jean

It’s not clear why the python suddenly decided to help the elephant
but what is clear is that the elephant did not get away clean
the crocodile’s tusks performed some serious plastic surgery on his nose
turning it into a horrific prehensile trunk
flopping everywhere
a grey parody of a wrinkly dong, oh my bae.

The elephant is like “what the hell happened to my face”
and the python is like “dude, it just got better is what happened
you can use it to swat flies
or pick up food
or … and this is critical
you can use it to deliver SAVAGE BEATINGS.”

The elephant is suddenly filled with a sadistic glee
he charges back towards his home
the words he bellows are barely intelligible, oh my bae
but a keen ear might pick out the syllables:
“FINALLY. FINALLY.”
He runs TRAIN on his entire family
he unleashes a lifetime of pent up torment on their hides
he is a cyclone of devastation
with a pendulous face-wang at its center.
The only animal left unscathed is the Kolokolo bird
whose ambivalent advice granted the elephant this terrible power.
His family is devastated by the sudden, unrelenting outburst.
Their only recourse is to enter into a biological arms race.
they flee to the Limpopo river
to get their faces fucked up by crocodiles.
all of them die
except for the elephants.
The family bloodline is finally pure
and no one spanks anyone ever again.

The moral of the story, oh my bae
is that when it comes to domestic abuse
plastic surgery is the only solution.

Jesus, that got dark.

The Jungle Book is a Book about Jungle

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Somebody said do jungle book so here we go

right so there’s a couple wolves
mom!wolf and dad!wolf
they’re hanging out with their cubs
then this hyena shows up like “hehe what’s up guys”
(hyenas are the jimmy fallon of jungle creatures)
“did you hear
my boss Shere Khan got tired of hunting in his territory
your territory is his territory now”
and wolf dad is like “what the perfect fuck
that dickhole president can’t come here
all he ever does is kill the humans’ cattle
if you do that for too long the humans burn down the forest
he’s gonna get our forest burned the fuck down
because he is too lame to hunt actual animals
instead of bullshit lobotomized livestock
fuck this man I got a family”
and the hyena is like “yo don’t shoot the messenger bro”
and the wolf is like “I can’t I don’t have thumbs
humans are the ones who shoot things and make fires”
and the hyena is like “haha speaking of humans
check out this baby stumbling up the hill right here
look at this dumb human baby
all dumb and covered in blood like a dumb blood baby”
and dadwolf is like “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DOING HERE?
ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
DID SHERE KHAN JUST MURDER A WHOLE HUMAN FAMILY
AND NOW THE BABY IS HERE
SNUGGLING ADORABLY WITH MY CUBS BECAUSE HE IS TOO IDIOT TO SCARED?
HASHTAG JUNGLEPROBLEMS, CHRIST.”
and then Shere Khan is like “I’ll show you jungle problems
because see you’re right
I did just murder a bunch of humans
but I’m kind of ocd about my murders
and I don’t like that a baby got away
I want to eat that baby
give me that baby.”
and momwolf is like “FUCK YOU SHITBEAST
YOU TAKE ONE STEP CLOSER TO THIS DUMB BLOOD BABY
AND I WILL TURN YOU INTO A GOD DAMN PAPER SNOWFLAKE
YOU KNOW ME, HAIRBALL
I’M BASICALLY JUST A BUCKET OF ANGRY KNIVES HELD TOGETHER BY A LITTLE PISSED-OFF FUR
GO.”
Then she names the human baby “Mowgli”
which means “Frog”
because I guess she’s not clear on which animals are which.

but before Mowgli can join the pack, he as to be accepted
so mom and dad wolf take him to the pack council
(the wolves are a neat semi-anarchist collective)
and they let the other wolves sniff his butthole
but then Shere Khan shows up like “GIVE THAT BABY TO ME
I WANT TO EAT A BABY”
and the wolves don’t want to fight over a dumb baby
so they’re like sure
but mom wolf is like COME ON
and king wolf is like “You know the rules
we can’t accept this baby unless at least two people vouch for him
OTHER THAN YOU”
which is not likely to happen
except suddenly a BEAR shows up
this sleepy bear named Baloo
who I guess works for the wolves as a freelance schoolteacher?
professor bear?
I don’t know
they let him hang out, is what’s important
and this bear is like “Ok whatever I think you should accept him
it’ll be funny.”
but one more person still needs to speak up
and that’s when Bageera the Panther shows up
and is like “Ok guys I killed a big tasty deer just now
and I will tell you where it is if you let this boy be a wolf
otherwise I will fuck you all up
you know I’ll do it
I’m crazy
who knows why I do what the fuck I do
I’m a god damn monster.”
and the wolves are like “wow
we have got to stop telling the whole jungle where our meetings are happening.”

But they accept Mowgli in exchange for the deer
and then the classic thing happens
Mowgli gets raised by wolves
automatically making him a badass
because a wolf with thumbs is a wolf without limits
but the whole time he’s growing up
Shere Khan is being all shady
convincing the young wolves to hate Mowgli
because he’s hairless and sexy or whatever
basically tearing a page out of Melkor’s book
so that when the leader of the pack finally gets too old
(when you fail to bring down a deer in the hunt, the other wolves kill you)
Mowgli knows he’s in trouble.

Actually Mowgli doesn’t know shit
Mowgli has grown from a dumb baby
into a dumb young adult
and he doesn’t give a shit about anything.
It’s actually Bageera who knocks some sense into him
he’s like “Dude
you’re supposed to be a wolf
but your closest friends are a bear and a panther
you are not winning the PR war here
so instead you need to win the actual war war.
Check it out:
go to the village
steal a clay pot full of fire
[which they call the red flower
because I guess they can talk and form governments
but they can’t understand fucking fire]
and then when Shere Khan tries to fuck with you
set his shit on fire

so Mowgli does this thing
he steals the fire pot
he brings it to the wolf meeting
and when Shere Khan shows up
all like “Hey guys I know it’s been like 14 years
but I still really want to eat this baby
and now that leadership has changed maybe we can do this?”
Mowgli is like “That’s a valid argument
but here’s a bunch of fire.”
and he sets Shere Khan and all of his shitty wolf friends on fire
and they all run away
and miraculously manage to not set the actual forest on fire
and Mowgli gets to stay alive
but then he’s like “Shit
I don’t have any friends now
because I just set fire to all my friends
I guess I better go and try to be human”
and Baloo and Bageera are both like “yeah probably”
so he goes back to the village
and probably has a horrible time
because he missed the critical period for language acquisition
but at least he got to be raised by wolves.

The moral of the story
is that fire is the best counterargument.

The end.

Peter Pan is as Shitty as Every Other Child

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Hello boys and girls

today I am going to tell you a story
about a racist sociopath from your childhood
he is not that special as far as racist sociopaths go
other than HE CAN FLY AND IS IMMORTAL
but yeah anyway
this story doesn’t start with Peter Pan
it starts with this girl named Wendy
and her brothers, Michael and John
they live in boring old London
which we are going to need to get out of ASAP
in order for this story to be any fun.

Luckily, Peter Pan decides to KIDNAP Wendy and her brothers
because he likes going over to her house to listen to bedtime stories
but he hates the commute.
The first time he comes by to hang out
she scares him so hard HIS SHADOW FALLS OFF
because he is a SHODDILY CONSTRUCTED PERSON
but she glues that shit back on
and then he’s like “Awesome, come to Neverland with me
you can be my mom.”
and Wendy is like “Uh”
and he’s like “No it’s okay
look I’m gonna cover you in magic dust and now you can FLY”
[just so you know
so many children thought they could fly after seeing this play
that the fairy dust rule had to be added in as a fucking safety measure
WRITERS: CHILDPROOF YOUR STORIES
CHILDREN ARE DUMBER THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.]

So by bribing her with performance enhancing drugs
Peter is able to convince Wendy to come back to his place
along with her two bros.
Unfortunately, Peter has already been shacking up with a fairy
a literal magic fairy named Tinkerbell
and Tinkerbell is NOT about to be usurped by some gullible sky-tramp
so when she sees Wendy coming
she rounds up Peter’s crew
(a gang of perfect idiots called the Lost Boyz)
and she’s like “HEY LOOK THERE IN THE SKY
IT’S A BIRD
PETER WANTS YOU TO SHOOT IT”
and boys love to fucking kill shit for no reason i guess
because they shoot wendy and she almost dies
but then they feel bad and make her their mother.

Here’s the problem
WENDY IS A GOD-DAMN CHILD STILL
SHE IS BARELY OLDER THAN ANYONE ELSE
so she starts doing all the things she thinks a mother does
like “give them medicine”
(actually just water in a bowl)
“feed them food”
(actually just pretend to feed them food)
and “force them to take naps.”
(there is no way to fuck this up because naps are amazing)
but her most important job
is to tell them bedtime stories
which she is really good at because her mom knows a ton of them.

But why the fuck do these kids care about bedtime stories?
THEY LIVE WITH A FAIRY, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE
THEY FIGHT PIRATES
THEY KILL PEOPLE LIKE EVERY DAY
nothing Wendy is telling them is more interesting than their actual lives
like one time they go out to the beach
and while they’re hanging out there some pirates show up
with a tied-up indian chick named Tiger Lily
(Tiger Lily is an indian as in native american
not as in actually from india
but it’s weird to call her a native american
because these people are nowhere near america.
The book calls them redskins
which is probably even worse.
They also call them Picaninnys
which i think is a little better
but ultimately what they are
are the products of the imagination of a racist child.)
So Peter is like “OH SHIT PIRATES GOTTA KILL EM”
and then he starts flying around punching pirates
ESPECIALLY a pirate named Captain Hook.

Captain Hook cannot possibly be this guy’s real name
he got ‘Captain’ from being a captain
and ‘Hook’ because he has a hook for a hand
which is like if I called my grandpa “Captain Cane”:
RUDE.
The reason Hook is missing a real hand
is that Peter Pan RIPPED IT OFF AND FED IT TO A CROCODILE.
Maybe you were waiting for the part where Peter was actually a sociopath
because you missed the part where he drugged and kidnapped three kids
well, here it is.
You don’t have to do that to someone’s hand
like, if you chop off someone’s hand
there is absolutely no reason to pick it up
unless you made a big mistake and you want to sew it back on.
Every other reason for picking up a severed hand is a bad reason
pretending to shake the hand? NOT OKAY.
dismembered high five? IN POOR TASTE.
feeding it to a live fucking crocodile
who then develops a taste for the flesh of the hand’s owner
and follows that dude around FOREVER AFTER?
ULTIMATE PARTY FOUL.

So naturally Hook wants to murder Peter
and Peter is such a cocky asshole
he almost pushes Hook off a cliff
but then sticks out his hand to save him
so Hook STABS HIM IN THE HAND
and then leaves him and wendy to die
on a rapidly-submerging rock.
Wendy gets away because there’s a little life raft there or something
but Peter has to die
which he’s totally okay with, because in his words,
“To die will be an awfully big adventure”
PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT HE HAS NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF DEATH.
Then a bird sacrifices its children to save him though
so it looks like Peter gets to spend another day
not learning about consequences.

Peter comes back home
and the whole Picaninny tribe is super pleased with him
because Tiger Lily is safe
(PS: the pirates caught her trying to sneak on board and murder them all
by herself
so she’s pretty cool)
so by way of saying thanks
they agree to guard Peter’s underground base
in case the pirates show up.

GUESS WHAT? THE PIRATES SHOW UP.
They show up at the worst possible time:
right when Wendy has told Peter that she’s going back to boring London
and taking all his friends with her.
See, she was actually kinda starting to have a thing for Peter
so she was like “Hey Peter, how do you feel about me”
and he was like “You are like a mom to me”
and she was like “AW FUCK, FRIENDZONED”
and also it turns out she has no idea how to be a mom
and she misses living in a house instead of a dirthole
and she is worried about PIRATES
and all the Lost Boys sort of see her point
because at this point they have been kids for god knows how long
and the whole time they have been killing pirates basically nonstop
so they are seriously warped
they have no idea what normal life is like
and they would like to give it a try.

But right when they’re all about to leave
the pirates jump on the Picaninnies and kill most of them
instead of adhering to what the book calls a time-honored tradition
of waiting until morning and letting the indians ambush them to death.
Then they steal the war-drums
and start beating on them like the Picaninnies won
so Wendy and co are like “Oh I guess it’s safe to go out now”
and then they get kidnapped by pirates
and Peter has no idea
b/c he’s already decided that his friends are disposable and gone to sleep.

When Hook is tying up the prisoners, shit gets even worse
because he discovers that Slightly, one of the lost boys, is fat
(dunno how he got fat when all their meals are imaginary
the book says he drank a lot of water
which makes me think of him as a balloon filled with warm piss)
what this means is that there must be a way into peter’s hole
that is big enough for a fat child/Captain Hook to fit through
so he finds that hole
and sneaks down to murder Peter in his sleep
but for some reason he can’t get through the door
so instead he just poisons peter’s “medicine”
which he refused to take because fuck wendy
and also because IT’S JUST WATER.

Then Captain Hook leaves and Tinkerbell shows up
(she was gone because fuck wendy)
and she’s like “PETER, EVERYONE IS KIDNAPPED”
and Peter is like “DANG”
and Tink is like “ALSO YOUR MEDICINE IS POISONED”
and Peter is like “LOL NO IT’S NOT”
and he starts to drink it
so Tinkerbell has to take one for the team and chug the poison instead
and peter is pretty pissed until she starts dying
but then he’s just sad
except it turns out Tinkerbell can’t die if children believe in faries
and luckily children will believe fucking anything
so she comes back to life with no problems
(this part is way more dramatic in the play.
you can tell he tried to make it work in the book but it’s pretty dumb.)

Once again saved from the consequences of his dumb actions
Peter sneaks onto the Pirate ship by pretending to be the crocodile
frees all the prisoners
kills all the pirates
and then front-kicks Captain Hook into the real crocodile’s mouth
which Hook gets all smug about because it isn’t sporting.
SPORTING?
YOU’RE A PIRATE, BRO
ALSO DEAD.

So Wendy is like “Wow thanks for saving us, Peter
you’re still an asshole though, bye.”
But Peter’s like “I’LL SHOW YOU WHO’S THE ASSHOLE
I’LL RACE YOU HOME AND LOCK YOUR WINDOW
SO YOU’LL THINK YOUR MOM FORGOT ABOUT YOU AND COME BACK AND LIVE WITH…
Oh wow, it’s me. I’m the asshole.”
So Wendy goes home and her mom is very stoked
she is so stoked she agrees to adopt four new children on the spot
and she raises all of them and they all get high-paying adult jobs
and then many years later Peter shows up
and he’s still a kid but Wendy is a grown-up
and Peter is like “AW FUCK WHAT HAPPENED”
and Wendy is like “It’s okay Peter
you can have my daughter”
and Peter’s like “Any port in a storm i guess.”

So he takes Wendy’s daughter until she gets sick of him
and then later she gives him HER daughter
and so on and so on
like the way some tribes sacrifice virgins to volcanoes.

So the moral of the story is lock your fucking windows.

The end.

Thomas the Rhymer Would be a Great MC Name

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So there’s this dude Thomas
he’s a poet
which means he has nothing better to do than lie under a tree all day being poor
(why yes I am aware of my chosen career
why do you ask)
this actually works bizarrely well for him
because all of a sudden this GLORIOUS HOT CHICK rolls up
on her INSANELY BELL-COVERED HORSE
seriously this horse has like SIXTY GODDAMN BELLS ON IT
and Thomas is like “holy shit
the Virgin Mary
or Mary Magdalene
one of those Marys
whatever
what I’m trying to say is you’re so hot it’s BIBLICAL”
and the chick is like “Thanks but no
I’m actually the elf queen
wanna make out?”
and Thomas is like “Ok”
and the elf queen is like “Cool.”

So they make out and then she’s like “Good job
come with me to Elfland
you will live with me there for seven years
we will probably have sex
like, a lot
it’s sort of implied.”
and Thomas is like “Shit yes
what did I do to deserve this random magic hotness?”
and the elf queen is like “Dude I really have no idea.”

So Tom gets on the jangly horse
and they start riding
and they ride WAY THE HELL OUT THERE until they cross a desert
at which point Tom is like “Damn woman, slow down
I am hungry
it looks like there is some fruit on these trees over here
lemme just-”
but the elf queen is like “NOPE.
DON’T EAT THE FRUIT
IT IS FULL OF POISON AND CURSES”
and Tom is like “What?
…Why?”
and she is like “Dude I really have no idea
but what I do have is a loaf of bread and a bottle of wine
let’s get drunk and I will show you the roads to heaven, hell and Elfland
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”

She literally means she will show him all those roads
the one to heaven is really thin and hard to find
the one to hell is like a superhighway of orgies and nastiness
and the road to elfland is just the road to elfland
so that’s where they go.
Oh except did I say it was just a normal road?
Shit guys, I’m sorry
what I meant was it’s a SEA OF BLOOD
BECAUSE EVERY TIME BLOOD FALLS OUT OF A BODY
IT ENDS UP IN ELFLAND
ELFLAND IS JUST A HUGE BOWL OF BLOOD
SLOSHING AROUND LIKE A SMOOTHIE MADE OF HORROR MOVIES
JUST BLOOD
BLOOD
BLOOD
BLOOD
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT
THIS IS WHAT THIS WOMAN IS QUEEN OF.

But eventually they make it out of all that blood
and into a field
where there is a tree with fruit on it
and the elf queen is like “Okay remember when I said don’t eat the fruit?
Now you can eat the fruit
this fruit is magic and it will make it so you can never lie.”
and Thomas is like “Why the fuck would I want to eat that fruit
I am a poet
lying is like
my entire thing.”
but the elf queen is just like “Dude
I just led you here
through a literal SEA OF BLOOD
on my MAGIC HORSE
so you could spend SEVEN YEARS PROBABLY HAVING SEX WITH ME.
EAT THE FUCKING APPLE.”
and Thomas is like “Jeeze, okay.”
Then he stays around for seven years
and when he comes back he can’t lie
so his career is over
but he starts a new career as a pretty successful prophet
so that’s cool.

So the moral of the story is don’t talk to strangers
even if they’re really really hot.

The end.

It is less than twelve days til the twelve days of Christmas

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14

Alright guys
I know christmas isn’t for another like whatever number of days
but i am already super in the spirit
and it reminded me
of a surreal and terrifying experience i had LAST christmas.
it was so surreal and terrifying
they wrote a song about it
in the past
in France in like the 1700s
this song is known only as
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
maybe you have heard it
but that’s okay
because i am in the business of telling you things you heard already

okay so last christmas we partied hard
we partied so hard we partied twelve times too long
and what normally would have been over and done with in 24 hours
lasted ALMOST TWO WEEKS
twelve days to be exact
and the whole time this chick just kept giving me presents
and these presents
well okay, first of all they were all like totally useless
and second of all
as the party progressed
and we all ingested a more and more startling melange of chemicals
these gifts underwent a thoroughly unreasonable GEOMETRIC PROGRESSION

so day 1 I got a tree
actually technically I did not get the tree
the tree came with the bird this chick got for me
a partridge, to be exact
and the tree had pears in it, which was pretty cool
we were all mega hungry by that point
so we chowed down on some pears and all was good

day two
more birds
not only did she give me another partridge
and another tree
she also gave me two bizarre genetic reptile-bird hybrids
called turtle-doves
they were sort of cute in an eldritch horror sort of way

DAY THREE
EVEN MORE BIRDS
so now I have three partridges
four reptile-pigeons
plus three obnoxious french chickens
all smoking their french chicken cigarettes
making snide comments about the interior decorating
everyone at the party was baffled
where was she getting all these birds, we asked
why did she think I liked birds
would it be cool if we killed and ate some of them
she did not answer our questions
nothing could stop her wild quest for birds
and that is why
on day four
I wake up to find myself the proud owner
of TWENTY WINGED CREATURES
AND FOUR PEAR TREES
GUYS
I AM NOT A BIG FAN OF TREES
I ACTUALLY REALLY HATE BIRDS
THEY ARE NATURE’S SOCIOPATHS
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO EXPLAIN ETHICS TO A PARROT
IT JUST STARES AT YOU WITH COLD LIFELESS EYES
WONDERING WHAT THE INSIDES OF YOUR BONES TASTE LIKE
at this point I have declared open season on these winged disasters
but no one at my party knows how to kill birds
and even less of the guests know what to do with a dead bird
plus they shut off my gas
cause i kept lighting it on fire just for laffs
and anyway it doesn’t even mater
because
SPOILER ALERT
THIS PSYCHOPATH LOVER OF MINE IS GOING TO GIVE ME AT LEAST TEN BIRDS
EVERY DAY
FOR THE NEXT EIGHT DAYS

so on day five I wake up in a cold sweat
I remove my sleep mask
crusted white with the shit of four different species of bird
and am STUNNED to discover that one of my hands
IS ENTIRELY DECKED OUT IN SWEET GOLD RINGS
I don’t know what prompted this sudden shift
from birds to treasure
but I am totally okay with it
I try to find the girl responsible
to thank her for the rings and maybe ask her to lay off on the birds
but she is nowhere to be found
because she is out pounding the pavement
searching for MORE BIRDS TO GIVE ME

SERIOUSLY
DAY SIX
SIX GEESE A-LAYING
so not only do I have to deal with these endless birds
I have to deal with their CHILDREN?
but it’s not all bad
because now I have rings for my other hand too
I look like a pimp, it’s amazing

BUT NOT SO AMAZING THAT DAY SEVEN CAN’T RUIN IT ALL
because on top of six more geese
and four more sparrows tweeting their asses off
and three more hens
and two more snakefinches
and another tree and another partridge
I am now the proud papa of SEVEN SWIMMING SWANS
this chick has plugged up my bathtub
my sink and my washing machine
all of them have become filthy sceptic swan playgrounds
and swans are fucking mean guys
they hiss and they bite
I cannot take a shower
I cannot wash my clothes or my dishes
which is getting to be a problem because remember
we have been partying for a solid week at this point
shit would be getting pretty crusty
even if it wasn’t completely blanketed in a thick layer of birdshit
plus with a total of fifteen rings on my fingers
it is getting hard to use my hands

DAY EIGHT
Oh thank god
Strippers
wait, these aren’t strippers
these are milkmaids
with muscley hands and a strong work ethic
AND THEY’VE BROUGHT THEIR COWS WITH THEM
OH GREAT
PUT YOUR COWS RIGHT THERE IN THE LIVING ROOM, LADIES
THEY WILL BE RIGHT AT HOME NEXT TO ALL THE HENS AND WHATEVER
but at least they’re keeping the party from being a total sausagefest
all the other ladies left around the fifth day of ceaseless bird poop
plus I couldn’t stop the milkmaids if I wanted to
my hands are now officially useless with all these rings on them
I look awesome though

DAY NINE
I will admit that it is nice
that after eight days of birdshit and farmwork
my mysterious lover has finally seen fit
to bring some legitimate dancing ladies up in here
BUT WHERE AM I GOING TO PUT THEM, HUH?
I HAVE SIXTEEN MILKMAIDS NOW
I COULD START A BUSINESS
OVID NASO’S BIRDSHIT AND MILK EMPORIUM
EXCEPT MY HANDS DON’T WORK AND I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN A WEEK

DAY TEN
OKAY WHAT THE FUCK
WHERE DO YOU GO TO JUST BUY TEN BRITISH LORDS
AND WHY ARE THEY LEAPING
WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT
THE WATER IS UNIFORMLY SATURATED WITH SWAN POOP
THE DANCING LADIES ARE TOO BUSY DANCING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME
THE WHOLE LIVING ROOM IS A SOLID GREEN CLOUD OF COW METHANE
ALL THE GUESTS HAVE GONE
THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THEM IN MY BIRD-FILLED NIGHTMARE HOUSE

Day eleven
okay
i don’t even
she hired a troupe of flautists
i think they’re from the symphony
they are clustered on the back steps
gently serenading the swarm of birds perched in the pear trees
it is all very idyllic and i think my eyes are bleeding

Day twelve
Alright lady, the party’s over
I was cool when you got me a hundred and eighty-four birds
I was cool when you immobilized my hands with forty gold rings
I was cool when you forced me to host thirty-two cows and their maids
I was even cool when you forced me to host thirty british lords
all of whom are CLEARLY inbred, by the way
What I am not cool with
is that on top of the flautists and the drumline
and the snide hens and the dancers who won’t put out
is that those pear trees you got me
all twelve of them
are an INVASIVE FUCKING SPECIES
their roots are tearing up my foundation
and any day now my house is going to sink into the earth
taking this godforsaken farm circus with it
and good riddance
to you, and to it
i mean SHIT

…best christmas ever.

So the moral of the story
is you can certainly have too much of a good thing
but that is not unique to good things
you can also have way too many misbehaving animals
and musicians and royalty
and honestly
that is worse

THE END.

Maid Marian is a Murder Machine

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Many thanks to marauding mancrusher Massacre McMurderstein
for monetarily mandating this majestic myth
MMMMLETS BEGIN

Okay so i’m pretty sure you guys know about Robin Hood right?
he’s that fox from that Disney movie about thieves
his best pal is an obese bear
you remember
good

wait shit okay actually apparently robin hood is not a sweet talking animal
turns out he is just some dude?
actually not just any dude
A MOTHERFUCKING EARL
and he is not just any motherfucking earl either
he is an earl who FUCKS OVER RICH DUDES
and then gives all their cash monies to the poor
HEY ROBIN HOOD
AREN’T YOU A RICH DUDE TOO?
ISN’T THERE SOME KIND OF A CONFLICT OF INTEREST GOING ON HERE?
but we’ll get to that later

right now what is important
is Robin Hood is boning the SHIT out of this chick Maid Marian
or Maid Marion i guess depending on who you ask
but shut the fuck up no one asked you
anyway yeah Robin and Miss Marian are doing it ALL the ways
like seriously in the ballad I just read
it is like
IN EVERY PLACE
THEY KINDLY EMBRACE
which is olde-timey codespeak for THEY PROBABLY FUCKED ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER
but then Robin Hood’s wealthy hypocrisy finally catches up with him
and he actually has to run away and be poor in the woods
leaving maid marian with no dude whose booty she can call upon

so Maid Marian is chilling out in her palace like FUCK
HOW AM I GOING TO FULFILLY MY DAILY DICK QUOTA NOW
NOT COOL
so she decides to go find Robin Hood and force him to restart the boner fiesta
WITH VIOLENCE IF NECESSARY
so to that end
Marian duct tapes her duckies down and puts on a page’s uniform
jacks a sword and a bow and some arrows and some landmines from the armory
and decides to just go wander around Sherwood forest til she finds robin hood
ARMED TO THE FUCKING TEETH

so Maid Marian is running around in the forest
and so is Robin Hood actually
because that is where he FUCKING LIVES
but i mean
he’s a goddamn fugitive
do you really think he’s going to walk around the woods
wearing a sign that says HEY DUDES I AM ROBIN HOOD WHATS UP
NO YOU IDIOT
HE IS GOING TO WALK AROUND WITH A FAKE MUSTACHE AND A BALD CAP OR SOMETHING
DOING A REALLY SHITTY FRENCH ACCENT AND AGRESSIVELY HAVING NO IDEA WHO ROBIN HOOD IS
so Maid Marian is walking around pretending to be a dude
and Robin Hood is walking around pretending to be an ignorant mustachioed frenchman
and pretty soon they bump into each other
and Maid Marian is like WHOA WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
and Robin Hood is like WHO THE FUCK IS ROBIN HOOD
and Maid Marian is like NOW WE MUST FIGHT
and Robin Hood is like HIYAAAAA BITCH
so they start trying to chop off each others’ body parts
and they wound each other pretty fucking bad
until Robin Hood is like WHOA
BRO
HOLD ON
how about instead of murdering me you come join my band of thieves?
and Maid Marian is like oh fuck
you’re robin hood aren’t you?
and Robin hood is like oh shit what happened did my mustache fall off?
and Maid Marian is like TAKE ME NOW
and then they bang so hard that all the woodland creatures catch on fire

so the moral of the story
is if your man leaves you
the most intelligent course of action
is to come after him with a sword
trust me you won’t regret this

THE END