So Dorothy

She’s real bored
and she lives in a monochromatic version of Kansas
Her last name is Gale
This is what is known as foreshadowing
because pretty much immediately this storm starts happening
as storms tend to do in Kansas
it rips up all the animals and kills her family
and then tears her house out of the ground and throws witches at it until it crashes
and then Dorothy wakes up and walks outside into a TECHNICOLOR WONDERLAND
this wonderland is full of midgets
and Dorothy has inadvertently murdered an old woman
whose shoes she is encouraged to steal
and this is all pretty disconcerting
so she asks the midgets if they know how to get back to Kansas
and they’re like OH SURE
JUST WALK ON THIS ROAD MADE OUT OF YELLOW BRICKS
and Dorothy is like oh well that’s convenient
does it lead back to Kansas?
and they’re like NOPE
IT LEADS TO A HUGE EMERALD CASTLE
OWNED BY A SHADY-ASS WIZARD
WHO WILL PROBABLY FIGURE OUT SOME WAY TO TELEPORT YOU HOME OR SOMETHING
SORRY
THAT IS THE BEST WE’VE GOT
WE ARE A COMMUNITY OF BLUE MIDGETS WITH A GOVERNMENT THAT INCLUDES A LOLLIPOP GUILD
WE ARE NOT EXPERT CIVIL ENGINEERS

so since she pretty much has no other option
Dorothy sucks it up and starts walking down this crazy road
oh, also there is a good witch that blesses her or something?
whatever
anyway, pretty soon she runs into this scarecrow
who is REALLY BAD AT GIVING DIRECTIONS
and also can talk
and is severely depressed because he has no brain
although how is that possible
and also
HOLY SHIT A TALKING SCARECROW
jesus
anyway he agrees to come with Dorothy to see the wizard
because if the wizard has teleportation powers
he probably also has brain-transplanting powers
so they walk for a while
and the conversation kinda drags a little because hey
no brain

so they keep walking and pretty soon they run into this robot
the robot is rusted real bad
so he can’t move basically at all
but there’s some oil nearby
which they apply to the robot
and then the robot wakes up like HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AN UNSPEAKABLE HELL
I WAS THERE FOR LIKE 11 MILLION YEARS
AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS IS ENOUGH TO COMPLETELY DEVOUR ALL OF A MAN’S COMPASSION
AND I’M NOT EVEN A MAN
I DIDN’T HAVE COMPASSION TO BEGIN WITH
SO NOW I HAVE LIKE
NEGATIVE COMPASSION
I EXIST ONLY AS AN INSTRUMENT OF PURE UNBLINKING HATRED
I AM A TOOL OF A COLD STEEL SATAN IN A TITANIUM HELL
and Dorothy is like holy shit dude
you better come with us and see if the wizard can give you a heart or something
and the tin man is like GOOD
I DEVOUR HEARTS

so they roll out
and pretty soon they are passing through some spooky woods
and BAM
here comes a lion
except bam is not a sound lions make
more like GRUUUUARGH
except more like OH SHIT I AM ACTUALLY REALLY AFRAID RIGHT NOWWWWWW
because this is no ordinary lion
this is a lion with PTSD
i mean if you think about it
lions see some pretty fucked up shit
sometimes the lions are the ones DOING the fucked up shit
which is probably even worse
so this lion is a shell-shocked wreck
he basically lunges into the clearing just in time to start pissing himself
and Dorothea is like uh ok eww
um
we’re going to a wizard?
maybe he can give you some balls?
and the lion is like I WILL GO WHEREVER YOU SAY JUST PLEASE DON’T HURT ME

so now dorothea’s rolling along with a lobotomy patient, a sociopath and a lion
and also some jerk witch has been fucking with them this whole time
like setting them on fire and laughing her dumb witch laugh
and peering at them through her crystal ball like that evil chick from Power Rangers
until finally she just says fuck it
and just kidnaps everyone with flying monkeys
or maybe she steals something later in the story and they have to go get it?
I forget
the book and the movie are wildly different on this point
and then someone wrote another book that was like
despicable pro-witch propaganda or some shit
further confusing the point
which is
that Dorothea straight handles with witch
by like filling up a bathtub
but then fucking up while she’s filling it
and accidentally splashing water on the witch
because I guess she’s working for the witch or something?
and then the witch melts
because apparently she is made of cotton candy
which i suppose is a point in favor of her not being evil
but also raises the question:
HOW DID SHE LIVE THIS LONG????
1) Water is literally EVERYWHERE
2) Cotton candy is DELICIOUS
but anyway she’s dead now
we can get back to the story

SO THEY GET BACK ON THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
and pretty soon they are in this big field full of poppies
which are famous for their super delicious opium
and they are like wading through these poppies
and just getting SO FUCKED UP
except just Dorothea and the lion
the Tin man and the scarecrow are constructs with no soul
plus they party harder than pretty much any living creature
so they are more or less unfazed
and they end up getting saddled with the task
of dragging Dorothea’s sweet zonked-out ass to safety
AND THEN THEY GET TO THAT EMERALD PLACE

so the emerald city is pretty sweet
it’s got like rainbow horses and more midgets and expert hair stylists
and also
THIS WIZARD THEY’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
but it turns out this wizard is just a giant green head projected on some crystals
so basically like Zordon from the power rangers
in fact I’m pretty sure this story is just a cover of the power rangers
but anyway then it turns out he’s not even THAT
like, he’s being all snarky with his giant head
and then they run up and break his crystals and shit
and it turns out he’s just some balding motherfucker in a sound booth
pulling levers and shooting out flares and yelling about how great he is
and they’re like aww man
talk about disappointing
and the guy is like no, no, no
it’s totally cool guys
I can definitely solve all your problems
you
Scarecrow:
you are a scarecrow
you are not supposed to have a brain
that would be weird
and in fact
the fact that you walked all the way here
and are capable of making any semblance of conversation
is pretty remarkable/terrifying on its own
so I think you’re coming out ahead of the game
and you
Lion:
DRUG THERAPY!
and you
Tin Man:
you are a horrifying monstrosity of modern engineering
uh
you can kill all my midgets
I’m about to skip out of town anyway
on this hot air balloon I have
which I guess solves Dorothea’s problem
because we are about to totally balloon our way out of this technicolor crazyland

so they get on the balloon
or rather
the dude gets on the balloon
but he sucks at balloons
so Dorothea gets totally left behind
and she’s like aw fuck
now what
and the midgets
(at least the ones the tin man has not already destroyed)
are like HEY REMEMBER THAT GOOD FAIRY WITCH FROM THE BEGINNING
YOU SHOULD ASK HER
and so the good witch appears
and Dorothea is like sup witch
and the witch is like hey so remember those shoes you stole way back at the beginning
those are teleport shoes
they will teleport you to your house
and Dorothea is like SERIOUSLY?
YOU’RE TELLING ME I BUSTED MY ASS FOR LIKE WEEKS
MELTED A WITCH
GOT FUCKED UP ON OPIUM AND SET ON FIRE AND MOLESTED BY MONKEYS
TO SHOW UP AT A DRUNK WIZARD’S HOUSE AND WATCH HIM DESERT ME IN A HOT AIR BALLOON
ALL SO THAT YOU COULD SHOW UP AT THE LAST MINUTE
WITH YOUR FANCY PRANCY HOOP SKIRT
AND TELL ME THE POWER WAS INSIDE MY FUCKING SHOES THIS WHOLE TIME?
WHAT IF MY SHOES BROKE
WHAT IF I TRADED THEM IN FOR MORE COMFORTABLE SHOES
THESE ARE HIGH HEELS
MADE OF RUBIES
MY FEET ARE BASICALLY JUST GIANT BLISTERS AT THIS POINT
okay
whatever
I’m going home
and then she does
and her family is probably still dead
but at least she got to get fucked up on opium

so the moral of the story
is before you set off on any epic and dangerous journeys
probably check your shoes

THE END.

Hey guys
I know I have been slacking recently on site maintenance stuff
like specifically
I have not updated the smorgasbord in FOREVER
I have been busy getting laid or sleeping or something
look the point is that I will update that thing soon
like, TOMORROW

but so anyway
this gently vibrating pile of crazy comes courtesy of fierce culinary Majordomo
Col. Freddy “Eviscerlicious” Cannonfried
it is about uh
well
yes.

So there’s this farmer
his life is pretty okay
pretty standard farmer’s life
except for one problem
this guy’s dick don’t work
he cannot have kids FOR THE LIFE OF HIM
and every time he goes into town to buy shit or sell shit
all the other farmers are like HEY
IT’S SERGEANT DICK-DON’T-WORK REPORTING FOR DUTY
HEY SERGEANT
HEARD YOUR SERVICE RIFLE MIGHT BE A LITTLE FLOPPY
EH?
GET IT?
CAUSE YOUR DICK DON’T WORK?
SEE, BY SERVICE RIFLE WE MEANT YOUR PENIS
and obviously sergeant dick-don’t-work gets sick of this shit pretty fast

so one day he arrives home after a barrage of this shit
and he’s like OKAY
I AM GOING TO HAVE A KID
I DON’T EVEN CARE WHAT KIND OF KID
IT COULD BE A HEDGEHOG FOR ALL I CARE
and the NEXT FUCKING DAY his wife is pregnant
and then nine months later she gives birth to a fucking HEDGEHOG MINOTAUR
by which i mean a half-hedgehog half-human
everyone is pretty freaked out by the baby obviously
especially the mom
who just had to push this spiny monstrosity out her babyhole
and she’s like what did you do, husband?
how many times do I have to tell you
WE LIVE IN FAIRYTALE LAND
STUPID WISHES LIKE THAT COME TRUE ON A REGULAR BASIS
and sgt dick-don’t-work is like no honey it’s fine
we’ll just get him baptized and then hide him behind our stove for 8 years
SO THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO

so after 8 years of being stashed behind a cast iron box that shits fire
this hedgehog is pretty tough
also magical
so it is no suprise when he suddenly asks his father for bagpipes
wait, what?
first of all
what?
and second of all
I thought this was a german fairytale
what are bagpipes doing in here?
but anyway he says that if his dad buys him some bagpipes
and also puts horseshoes on this rooster he apparently owns
he will ride away on the rooster and never come back
and his dad is like NICE
WE WERE TOTALLY THINKING ABOUT USING THAT SPACE BEHIND THE STOVE FOR STORAGE
HERE’S AN INSTRUMENT AND SOME WEIRD HORSESHOES
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE

so the hedgehog dude gets the fuck out of the house
actually he is named Hans-My-Hedgehog
because apparently that is the ONLY NAME HE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE BY LAW
they can’t just call him hedgehog
or mittens
no, no
ONLY THE NAME WITH ALL THE HYPHENS
but fuck that
this dude will be referred to as SONIC

so Sonic goes into the woods
with some pigs and some donkeys
and he flies up into a tree with his rooster
and he just sits down
and stares at those pigs and donkeys
FOR SEVERAL YEARS
until they all start fucking and breeding more pigs and donkeys
and meanwhile some local king gets lost in the woods
and he hears some beautiful bagpipe music
and he finds Sonic sitting pretty up in his tree
and he’s like HELLO MAGICAL HEDGEHOG MUSIC MAN
and Sonic is like YO, CROWN DUDE
and the king is like I WONDER IF YOU COULD DIRECT ME TO MY CASTLE
and Sonic is like yeah sure
i know where all that kind of shit is
but it’s gonna cost you
I want a written agreement
that says I get whatever greets you first when you get home
and the king is like hahaha what a douchebag
hedgehogs can’t read
so he says oh yeah, sure man
I totally agree to that
lemme just write it down right here…
and he just writes TITS TITS TITS TITS TITS all over the piece of paper
and signs it
and Sonic leads him home and he feels pretty good about himself
then his daughter turns out to be the first person/thing to greet him
PREDICTABLY
and he’s like haha that hedgehog guy wanted to bang you
but I TOTALLY tricked him and now it’s fine
TOTALLY FINE FOREVER

MEANWHILE
Sonic is back in his tree
playing the bagpipes and watching pigs fuck
classy times all around
when ANOTHER king comes stumbling into his woods
WOODS:
CAN’T FIND YOUR KING?
PROBABLY HE JUST SUCKS AT HIKING
and this other king sees Sonic and he’s like WHOA
CRAZY HEDGEHOG MUSIC GUY
and the whole scenario plays out almost exactly like before
except instead of trying to screw over sonic
the king just flat out agrees to the terms
and is really cool about the whole thing
even when it turns out he’s gonna have to marry his daughter
to a furry

but so several weeks pass
and at this point Sonic has so many pigs that they have FILLED THE ENTIRE FOREST
YEAH
LOTS
so he takes them all and he herds them all to his dad’s house
like
all eight billion pigs
and he’s like HEY DAD
COME SLAUGHTER THIS CLUSTERFUCK OF PIGS WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS
I HAVE RETURNED HOME
and his dad is like how about you return to my ballsack
oh shit I didn’t mean that to sound weird
I meant I wish you’d never been born
and Sonic is like hey dad
that’s totally cool
we all have our problems in life
your dick don’t work
I am a magic talking hedgehog child
let’s put our differences behind us like adults
and then you can go about putting horseshoes on my rooster again
and then once you do that
you don’t have to see me ever again if you don’t want
and his dad is like NIIIICE.

so then Sonic goes around to collect his booty
and he shows up at King 1’s place
but the king has ordered all his guards to just kill Sonic on sight
because the king is the type of king who likes to hoard sexy daughters
and a mutant hedgehog suitor kind of throws a wrench in that plan
but Sonic just runs REALLY FAST or something
and then flies his rooster up to the king’s window like YO
GIRL OR DEATH
and the king is like OKAY FINE TAKE THE GIRL JUST PLEASE DON’T HURT ME
so Sonic takes the girl
flies away on his rooster
then when they get a couple miles away
he proceeds to STRIP HER NAKED AND STAB HER WITH HIS SPINES
like THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING THE DAUGHTER OF A TOTAL JERK
then he leaves her in the middle of nowhere
and goes to the palace of King 2

so King 2
like i said
is WAYYY less of a jerk than king 1
he told all his guys to open the doors for Sonic
and give him food and whatnot
and also marry him to the princess
even though no one but Sonic is happy about this
but whatever
the wedding happens anyway
out of a perverted sense of duty or something
and the chick is totally freaked out by the SHARP SPIKES ALL OVER SONIC’S BODY
but it’s okay
because what he does
is before they do the nasty on their wedding night
he just RIPS OFF HIS SKIN
HAS FOUR DUDES THROW IT INTO A FIRE
AND THEN HE TURNS HUMAN
WAIT
WHY DID HE NOT DO THIS BEFORE
DID HE ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THIS OR IS THIS A NEW THING
WHAT THE FUCK SONIC
I USED TO GET MY LIFE ADVICE FROM YOU ON THE TELEVISION

so then he’s human suddenly
but also his skin is TOTALLY BLACK
and the king is like oh shit
if there’s one thing worse than my daughter marrying a hedgehog
it’s her marrying a BLACK MAN
so he sends for all his physicians
and they use doctor magic to turn him white
and then he and his wife live happily ever after
and he even comes by his dad’s house once to totally show off his sexy new face
and his dad is actually pleased
and for the first time ever
he is happy that he has a son

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is if you ever go walking in the woods
bring a compass
anyone you ask for directions is going to end up marrying your daughter
then tearing off his own face and setting it on fire
happy trails!

THE END.

So christmas

in reality it is already over
but in this story
it is JUST BEGINNING
in fact
it hasn’t even begun yet
it is looming on the horizon like some great tinsel-covered monolith
exuding sugarplum tentacles filled with HOLIDAY SPIRIT
or at least that’s what it feels like when you are dirt poor
so dirt poor you can’t even afford a present for your best chick/dude
which is the sorry condition of the chick and dude who are the stars of this tale

so this dude, right
he has this watch that he is really super proud of
he is always coming up with excuses to bust it out
like in the bus shelter or in line at the soup kitchen
all like OH MAN THIS LINE SURE IS TAKING A LONG TIME
I WONDER HOW MUCH TIME EXACTLY
LET ME JUST PULL OUT MY GOLD PLATED WATCH
DID YOU KNOW THIS THING IS A FAMILY HEIRLOOM
and then someone punches him usually

and this chick
she has got some BO-DONCULOUS hair
seriously
this is the scalpfuzz to end all scalpfuzz
all luxurious and flaxen and whatnot
cascading in delicate ringlets all down the sides of her face
dudes in trenchcoats come up to her from behind in train stations
with tiny sewing scissors
to collect the TINIEST TROPHIES for their fetish altars
man you should’ve been there
these are the only distinguishing features these two people have

so naturally
when it comes time to sit down and think about christmas gifts
this chick and this dude immediately start thinking about hair and watches
the dude is like damn
my lady has enough luscious hair to strangle eddie van halen
she would make rapunzel go bald with jealousy
perhaps I should get her
…something for hair?
and he happens to be walking down the street while he thinks this
and he sees in a shop window this INCREDIBLY PIMPIN’ COMB
it has got rubies all up the hell everywhere
and he goes into the store and he is like HOW MUCH FOR THAT COMB
and the shopkeeper is like A BILLION DOLLARS
but I also accept payment in gold plated family heirloom watches
and the guy is like DONE
and he pawns his watch and gets the comb
hooray, christmas is saved

MEANWHILE
the chick is walking along like hmm
my dude certainly does like that watch of his a whole lot
but you know what that watch is missing?
a PIMPTACULAR watch chain to dangle it on
that way it won’t fall out of his hand and hit the ground
when he gets punched in the face for flashing it at the soup kitchen again
so she goes into the watch chain store
and damn if she doesn’t pick the BLINGINEST WATCH CHAIN THERE EVER WAS
and she’s like how much for that watch chain there
and the shopkeep is like MORE THAN YOU HAVE
and the chick is like well
will you pay me that much if I
SELL YOU MY HAIR?
and the shopkeeper is like MMMM YESSSSSSSS
and so he shaves her head and gives her the watch chain
and no one finds this creepy at all
and christmas is saaaaaaved!

so cut to christmas
these two people are both super excited to give each other gifts
so the dude is like HERE YOU GO BABY I GOT YOU THIS HAIR COMB
ALTHOUGH HONESTLY I AM NOT SURE HOW YOU MANAGED TO MAINTAIN SUCH LUSCIOUS HAIR
FOR SO LONG
IN ABSENCE OF A COMB
DO YOU PERHAPS HAVE
LUSCIOUS DREADLOCKS?
ANYWAY HERE’S THIS COMB FOR YOUR ABUNDANT HAIR THAT YOU HAVE
and the chick is like oh
shit
bad timing
i kind of sold my hair to get you this watch chain
but hey
at least you get this watch chain, right?
and the guy is like oohhh about that
kinda sold my watch to get you this haircomb
and they are both like huh
we just spent all the money we had
and sacrificed the only things about ourselves that brought us any joy
in exchange for two shiny objects that are of absolutely no use to us
is this perhaps
the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS?

well no
because the moral of the story
is that when it comes to gift-giving
it’s the thought that counts
except when that thought is really really dumb

the end

I was in a record shop today
the record shop was also an arcade
I found a record entitled “So-and-So’s Waggish Tales”
and I am somewhat of a connoisseur of waggish tales
so I picked that shit up
and here is what I found:

So there’s this kid Peter
he does not give a FUCK
he lives in this crazy wolf-infested forest
and decides that today is a good day to just go blithely walking around
all over the place
totally leaving his gate open and everything
and since the gate is open
his duck also busts out the house
like QUACK QUACK QUACK TIME FOR SOME BAD DECISIONS
and then the duck jumps in the pond
and runs up on some other kind of bird
and the two of them immediately throw down
the little bird is like BITCH
WHAT KIND OF BIRD ARE YOU IF YOU CAN’T EVEN FLY?
and the duck is like DOUBLEBITCH
WHAT KIND OF BIRD ARE YOU IF YOU CAN’T EVEN SWIM?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT KIND
A VERY DRY BIRD
VERY
VERY
DRYYYYYYY
and while the two of them are busy arguing
a cat tries to roll up and pounce on the little bird
but peter is like HEY BIRD LOOK OUT
and the bird flies into a tree
and the duck swims into the middle of the pond
and the cat is left sitting at the bottom of the tree like hm
this basically sucks
and the bird is like HAHA TWATSHANKS LOOKS LIKE GRAVITY STRIKES AGAIN

so this goes on for a while
and then Peter is like shut the fuck up guys my grandpa is coming
and grandpa mcgee comes running out like PETER YOU WORTHLESS BARGE OF TITS
WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BLITHELY WANDERING AROUND IN THE MEADOW?
THIS FOREST IS TEEMING WITH WOLVES
TEEMING WITH THEM
GET BACK INSIDE RIGHT NOW
and peter is like pshaw
I ain’t afraid of no wolves
but he goes inside anyway because he does not want to get smacked
leaving the birds to continue hiding from the cat

but no sooner does peter go inside
then the wolf arrives
like hey guys there’s a party in my stomach and you guys are invited
and everyone is like HELL NO WE KNOW ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THOSE PARTIES
and the cat climbs the tree
the bird stays the hell away from the cat
and the duck apparently has an idiot fit and jumps OUT OF THE POND
and starts running from the wolf on spindly little duck legs
so he gets eaten
OBVIOUSLY
and then peter comes back outside like oh snap
time to be all courageous and whatnot
so he climbs to the top of this big stone wall he lives behind
and from there he hops into the tree
with a whole ton of rope
and he’s like okay bird
now’s your chance to not suck a whole lot
go down there and fly around the wolf’s head til he gets dizzy and passes out
and the bird is like sure ok
so he goes down there and starts baffling that carnivore
and meanwhile peter fashions a noose out of the rope
but no
he doesn’t do the rad thing and just straight hang that wolf right there
no instead he loops the noose around the wolf’s tail
and hoists him up into the tree
predator style
and then some hunters come out of the woods
firing their weapons indiscriminately
and peter is like WHOA GUYS WHOA
first of all
there are people here that you are sort of shooting at
second of all
we can make WAY MORE MONEY by selling this wolf to the zoo
help me do that instead of doing your job
and the hunters are like uh ok
and then everyone takes the wolf to the zoo
including the grandfather
who is none too happy about any of this
because he is old and that is his job
oh and also apparently the wolf has a really faulty digestive tract
because the duck is still totally alive inside his stomach
quacking and causing a ruckus
but it’s not like anyone cuts him out or anything
no
they just leave him in there to die

so the moral of the story
is if you have someone in your life who is a constant danger/nuisance
don’t kill them
killing is wrong
sell them to the zoo

THE END

I think someone asked me for a troll myth a while ago
and meanwhile, sexy story sage Scheherezade Soulburger
spun me this excellent tale which I will now share with you
it is about woodland conservation

So there’s this family
it is a dad and three sons
and the dad is horribly in debt
these fairytale dudes seem to always be in debt
it’s gotta be either heroin or gambling
or both
but anyway the dad is in some way recklessly irresponsible
and he figures the only way for him to fix his terrible mistake
is to force his eldest son to go out and plunder the surrounding forest for wood
so his eldest son goes out
and he starts murdering a tree
and suddenly a troll pops out like DUDE WHAT THE FUCK
TREES ARE OUR BROTHERS MAN
DO I HAVE TO CHAIN MYSELF TO EVERY TREE IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN FOREST?
NOT COOL MAN
I’M GONNA HAVE TO GET SERIOUSLY NONVIOLENT ON YOUR ASS
but of course all of this is in troll language
so what it sounds like is MURDER BLARR DEATH DEATH KILL BLARR TITS
and so the eldest son is like FUCK THIS I’M TOO PRETTY FOR SKULLFUCKING
and he drops his ass and treks his little babypants home

so he gets home
and his dad is like WHAT HAPPENED SON?
DID SOMEONE INSTALL A FLOOR DRAIN IN YOUR TESTOSTERONE GLAND
LEAKING PURE COURAGE DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BOWELS
WHERE IT WAS CONVENIENTLY EJECTED
WHEN YOU SHAT YOURSELF IN TERROR
OVER A WUSSY-ASS TROLL?
KID, BACK IN MY DAY WE’D SEE A TROLL
AND WE’D BE LIKE HEY GRANDMA WHAT’S SAGGIN’?
AND IF THAT TROLL RIPPED US IN HALF WITH HIS BARE HANDS FOR OUR IMPERTINENCE
WHY,
WE WOULD KNIT OUR FLESH BACK TOGETHER LIKE THAT COP ROBOT FROM TERMINATOR 2
AND THEN LANCE THROUGH HIM WITH KNIFE ARMS
YOU HEAR ME SON?
KNIIIIIFE ARRRRRMMMMSSSS

and then he turns to his second son and he’s like hey kid
go into the woods and fix papa’s bad decisions okay?
and the second son is like sure pops no problem
and the next day he goes into the woods to fuck up some trees

but no sooner has he taken swing one at this fucking tree
than the troll shows up again like MY FRIEND PERHAPS I DID NOT MAKE MYSELF CLEAR
ALL LIVING CREATURES ARE PART OF A DELICATE WEB OF LIFE
WE MUST STRIVE TOGETHER TO PRESERVE THE MAGIC OF MOTHER NATURE
DON’T YOU REALIZE
EVERYTHING WE DO TO THE EARTH
WE DO TO OURSELVES?????
which in troll language sounds like BALLS BALLS I WANNA SHIT IN YOUR RIBCAGE
so the second dude pisses all over himself and sprints home
and of course his dad is waiting for him at home
and he’s like WASSAMATTER PUSSNEXUS O’MAMMARIES?
CAT GOT YOUR BALLS?
LIKE
DID A CAT ACTUALLY SNEAK INTO YOUR PANTS AND PURLOIN YOUR TESTICLES
SECRETING THEM AWAY IN A HIDDEN DIMENSION WHICH ONLY CATS CAN ACCESS
SO THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE A LEGITIMATE MEDICAL EXCUSE
FOR YOUR CHRONIC FAILURE
TO MAN
THE FUCK
UP?
DIDN’T THINK SO.
HOLY DAMNBOTS WHY DOES MY FAMILY SUCK SO BAD?
at which point is YOUNGEST son
(whose name is Askeladden
which means Ash lad
so apparently this is the origin story of the dude from Pokemon)
is like hey dad let me try how about?
and his dad is like HAHA FUCK THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN GROW A MUSTACHE
and his son is like who needs a mustache when I have BALLS OF STEEL
and he goes into the woods armed only with an axe, a backpack, and some gross cheese.

so he gets into the woods and he starts chopping a tree
and the troll shows up like MURDER MURDER KICKFLIP FACEPUNCH
and the kid runs over to his backpack
pulls out his cheese
and starts squeezing the gross cheesewater out of it
like BACK OFF TROLL
OR I WILL SQUEEZE THE PISS OUT OF YOU LIKE I SQUEEZE THE PISS OUT OF THIS ROCK
and the troll is like HOLY SHIT DUDE CHILL OUT I SURRENDER
and thankfully that phrase sounds the same in both troll and people language
so the troll proceeds to stand idly by while the kid fucking mauls his precious woods
and then when it gets dark he’s like hey man
your house is pretty far away
wanna just come chill in my troll cave?
I try to be a gracious host
you know
when i am dealing with people who could demolish my chest with their bare hands
and the kid is like sure why not

so they go back to the troll’s place
and the troll is like hey dude help me make dinner
go put that MASSIVE IRON POT ON THE FIRE
and the kid is like nah man that’s baby shit
I’ll just go grab the WHOLE DAMN WELL
and the troll is like NO NO DUDE DON’T FUCK UP MY WELL
HOW ABOUT I JUST DEAL WITH THE WATER AND YOU CAN LIGHT THE FIRE
and the kid is like sure
I GUESS
so they start making this huge pot of porridge
and then the kid is like hey
you know what?
I bet I could beat you at an eating contest
and the troll is like SEZ YOU
YOU’RE ON
but see the kid has hidden his leather backpack inside his shirt
so when he appears to be shoveling porridge into his fat face
he is really stuffing it into his backpack
and when it gets full
he slits open the backpack and lets porridge dribble out
and the troll is like OK MAN I CAN’T EAT ANYMORE
and the kid is like relax dude
you can totally eat more
just slit open your stomach like I did
you can eat INFINITE PORRIDGE THAT WAY
and the troll is like What?
That sounds really dumb
and the kid is like Dude did you not just watch me do it?
and the troll is like DURR OK
and slits open his own stomach
and dies
and then the kid loots his massive gold stash
and lives happily ever after with his heroin addicted father

so the moral of the story
is all environmentalists are secretly wealthy
and you should have no qualms about using deceit to murder them
and then taking their gold

the end.

Today’s myth brought to you by crime-fighting human statue
GRANITE STONE
and it is about poor labor practices

So there’s this shoemaker, right?

he’s super duper poor
not sure why though
according to the story he works mega hard
and he’s virtuous and everything
so I guess life just sucks?

but anyway, this shoemaker is down to just enough leather
to make ONE LAST PAIR OF SHOES
so he sits right down and he cuts out all the pieces
and then he lays them out on his work table and goes to bed
because he wants to get up SUPER EARLY to make these shoes
but when he wakes up in the morning OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
looks like the shoes done got ALREADY MADE
WHAT?!
IS IT DEMONS AND WIZARDS?
WITCHCRAFT?
probably
but we will get to that later
what matters now is that these are some damn fine shoes
and pretty soon a dude walks in and is like I WOULD LIKE TO BUY THOSE SHOES
and the shoemaker sells them
and he makes enough money to make TWO MORE PAIRS OF SHOES
so this shit continues
the shoemaker proceeds to geometrically increase the amount of leather he cuts up
and the shoes just make themselves overnight
and then people show up and buy ALL OF THEM

so this begs the question
this shoemaker was like right on the edge
he didn’t have any money at all
but meanwhile there is apparently a limitless supply of people who need shoes
and are willing to buy them from him at exorbitant rates
so here’s my question
what the fuck happened to all his shoes/money?
answer:
HEROIN ADDICTION

so this heroin addicted shoemaker finally becomes pretty well-off again
and he and his wife are shooting up by the fire one night
and they’re like duuude
we should totally figure out who’s been making all these shoes
i mean i know it’s been like several months
and a normal couple might have already wondered who was breaking into their house
just to make free shoes
but we obviously have more important things to worry about
like heroin

but so they manage to hide behind a curtain
and wait up all night
and all of a sudden
HERE COME A COUPLE OF NAKED DWARVES
and they use their super-nimble fingers to sew up all the shoes child-labor style
and then they scamper back to their dwarfhole to keep each other warm
because they are naked and it is cold
and the cobbler’s wife is like duuuude
we should totally make some tiny clothes for those tiny dwarves
they look cold
and you know
they’ve kind of been solely responsible for our whole fortune
and the cobbler is like okay that sounds good

so the next day instead of laying out a bunch of shoeleather
the cobbler and his wife lay out some really pimped out doll clothes
and the naked dwarves scuttle out to make shoes
and they find the clothes
and they are like YIPPEE
YAHOO
FUCKIN’ CLOTHES TIME UP IN HERE
and they put on the clothes
and they run out of the house
and they are never seen again
and the cobbler is like GOD DAMMIT WOMAN WHAT THE FUCK
NOW WHO’S GONNA MAKE ALL THE SHOES?
ME?
PAPA’S GOTTA FEED THE MONKEY, SWEETIE
IT IS A FULL TIME JOB
but then they’re affluent forever so it’s okay
although not really because they have to work and working sucks

so the moral of the story
is never
EVER
clothe your slaves

the end.

This fairytale I am about to tell you
comes courtesy of some chick named Scarlett Messenger
seriously that’s her name
I couldn’t make up a name that sweet if I tried
it’s like she’s probably running around right now
delivering scarlet messages to absolutely everybody all the time
but anyway yeah here’s a weird story:

so there’s this miller

he’s mega poor
all he’s got is his mill
and an apple tree directly behind the mill
so one day he’s out in the forest chopping some wood
and this old man comes up to him like HEY
WHY YOU WASTIN’ TIME CHOPPING WOOD
I CAN MAKE YOU RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GIVE ME WHATEVER IS BEHIND YOUR MILL
and the miller is like seriously?
SWEET
all I got back there is some damn apple tree
it’s not suspicious at all that you made the request so general
and did not ask specifically for my apple tree
LET’S SHAKE ON IT
MAYBE SIGN A CONTRACT IN BLOOD
I DUNNO
and the old man is like HAHAHA SWEET
I WILL BE BACK IN 3 YEARS TO COLLECT MY PAYMENT
maybe you guys didn’t guess
but this old man is actually SATAN
OH SHIT

so the miller goes home
and his wife is like hey honey
what’s with all these vast riches that suddenly appeared in our house for no reason
and the miller is like oh funny story actually
I met satan and I promised him whatever was behind out mill
in exchange for vast riches suddenly appearing in my house
sweet deal right?
and his wife is like YOU IDIOT
OUR DAUGHTER WAS PLAYING IN THE YARD WHEN YOU MADE THAT DEAL
WHAT THE HELL

so the daughter finds out about this obviously
and spends the next few years being pious as fuck
and then when satan comes back
she draws a chalk circle around herself
and washes up real good
and satan gets there and he’s like OH DAMN
I CAN’T TAKE THIS GIRL AWAY
SHE IS TOO CLEAN
YOU THERE, MILLER
RESTRICT HER ACCESS TO BATHING WATER AND I WILL RETURN TOMORROW
OTHERWISE I WILL TAKE YOU INSTEAD
and then he leaves
and instead of doing the sensible thing and just taking a shower himself
the miller restricts his daughter’s access to baths for 24 hours
and then satan comes back
but see the problem is that the girl has cried into her hands SO HARD
that they are 100% DISINFECTED
and he’s like dammit man
now you gotta cut off your hands
and the miller is like uh sorry daughter
looks like I gotta cut off your hands
this totally hurts me more than it hurts you
and then he cuts off her hands
and satan leaves
and when he comes back the next day
the girl has cried onto her stumps SO HARD
that her FUCKING STUMPS ARE CLEAN
and at this point Satan is like you know what
fuck this
i’m leaving
and the miller is like sah-weet!
hey daughter
now we can live in luxury forever, right?
right?
and the daughter is like dude
you cut off my fucking hands
I’m out of here

so she starts walking
and pretty soon she sees this big garden surrounded by a moat
and she’s so hungry
but she can’t cross the moat
so then suddenly an angel comes down and dries up the moat with fire breath
and then leads her into the garden and helps her grab pears with her mouth
and the gardener sees this and he’s like what the fuuuuuck
and he tells the king
and the king is like uhh bullshit my friend
and the gardener is like if you don’t believe me then stay and watch tonight
so the king does
and he sees this chick
and he’s like hey girl what’s with the no hands?
and the girl is like well basically
my life sucks real bad and my dad is an asshole
and the king is like oh man
I suddenly want to marry you
I don’t even know why

so they get married
and the king makes some hands for her out of silver
which is pretty useless but it’s a nice gesture
and then he goes off to war
and he tells his mom to take good care of the girl if she ends up being pregnant
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
pretty soon she ends up being pregnant
but see Satan is not done fucking with this girl
because when the grandmother sends a message to the king
Satan makes the messenger fall asleep
and then replaces the message that says “Congratulations! It’s a boy!”
with one that says “Congratulations! It’s a HORRIBLE CHANGELING YOU SHOULD KILL IT”
but the king just reads the message and is like well
that’s weird
but i’m not gonna get all butthurt about it
and he sends back a message to that effect
but satan swaps it out AGAIN
so that instead of saying “Tell my son I say hi”
it says “KILL my son and cut out his EYES”
and the grandmother is pretty pissed about that
so instead of killing the kid
she kills a baby deer
and cuts out ITS eyes
and then is like hey queen girl
you should get the fuck out of here
NOW

so the queen gets the fuck out of there
and she goes into the woods
and she finds a place that says “ALL TRAVELERS WELCOME”
and she’s like sweet
perfect
just what I need
so she walks up to the door and a PURE WHITE VIRGIN COMES OUT
I don’t know it is obvious that she is a virgin
maybe she has a big V written on her face in lipstick or something
but anyway it turns out she’s an angel
and she has been specifically sent to give this chick a secret hideout
so she proceeds to hide out there for SEVEN YEARS
until the king comes home from the war
and he’s like hey mom
where’s my wife and son
and the gramma is like uh
you told me to cut out the kid’s eyes and tongue?
and the king is like WHAT?
NO.
SATAAAAAAAAAAAN!
and then he gets on his horse and rides absolutely everywhere
until he finds the cabin that says ALL TRAVELERS WELCOME
and he goes inside
and the pure white virgin is like hey guess what
your wife is here
also her son
whose name is “Filled-With-Grief”
pretty emo if you ask me
and then the queen busts out like HEY HUSBAND WHAT’S UP
and the king is like WHAT THE FUCK WHY DO YOU HAVE HANDS
because oh yeah
the queen was so pious and godly and stuff for seven years
that her FUCKING HANDS GREW BACK
and she’s like oh
you don’t believe it’s me, huh?
well here’s those useless shitty silver hands you made me
and the king is like oh
awesome
i guess it really is you
and then they live happily ever after
along with their son whose name is still Filled-With-Grief

so the moral of the story
is try not to name your kids during post-partum depression
it is a recipe for disaster

THE END.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

so there’s these pigs right
three of them
some people say that these pigs were particularly small
i say fuck that
i prefer to imagine some colossal fucking boars
as long as I have to listen to a story about more animals being idiots

so these pigs come into some money
don’t ask me how
I don’t know what kind of crazy fairytale entrepreneur is going around hiring pigs
especially since
as you will see
these pigs are none too bright
or at least two of them are none too bright and one is a GODDAMN SOCIOPATH
anyway the point is these pigs have some capital

so being ambitious young swine
these three pigs decide they are going to invest this money in real estate
so they each purchase an empty lot and set to work building a house on it
this is where shit starts to go sour

see the first pig is trying to decide what to build his house out of
and he’s like hm
what’s a thing that I already have a lot of
and is terrible for building houses
OH I KNOW
STRAW
so he just loads up on bales of hay
and uses the massive savings
to build himself a goddamn precarious mansion of distilled yellow stupid

CUT TO THE SECOND PIG
he’s like man look at that dumb pig building his house out of straw
I’m way more legit than he
what should I use as a building material to reflect my legititude
bubble wrap?
pencil shavings?
old hair?
no no no
TWIGS
OF COURSE
NOTHING IS MORE LEGIT THAN TWIGS
SCIENCE HAS SHOWN THIS

so let’s leave dumbshit number two to build his brittle lincoln log catastrophe
and see how the third pig is doing
so this pig is a pretty weird pig
seeing as he is a pig who knows masonry
and also seeing as he proceeds to build a goddamn brick fortress
without so much as providing a critique of the other two pigs’ housing decisions
he just builds his house and sits down in his creepy brick basement pig porn dungeon
and waits for is friends to fail

AND FAIL THEY DO
See there’s a wolf in the neighborhood
and the wolf is momentarily discouraged to find pigs living inside houses
but then he sees how stupid the houses are and he’s like oh ok sure
so what he does is he just rolls up to the first pig’s straw mansion
and he’s like YO
MOTHERFUCKIN’ PIGS BETTER OPEN UP THE HATCH
and the pig’s like
NOT BY THE STRANDS OF MY SWEET SOUL PATCH
and the wolf is like okay well
I went to art school for music so I have great breath control
how about i use it to blow your house away
and the pig is like A SLIGHT BREEZE
HOW DID YOU KNOW MY ONLY WEAKNESS
OTHER THAN FIRE, GRAVITY, AND MY ALMOST CRIPPLING STUPIDITY
actually he doesn’t finish saying that because the wolf eats him

but the wolf is still hungry so he goes to the next house
all like YO YO
HUGE-ASS BOAR BETTER OPEN UP THE DOOR
and the pig is like
NOT BY MY BEARD, WHICH CAN SWEEP ON THE FLOOR
and the wolf is like fine
that whole blowing on the house thing already worked once
and i always say don’t mess with success
so he just proceeds to literally blow that house to smithereens
whatever smithereens are
i’m sure he blows them
and then he eats the second pig

so then there’s the third pig
he’s got surveillance cameras trained on that wolf
and he’s watching the footage
from his lead-shielded command center inside the second story closet
and the wolf shows up like YO
OPEN UP LITTLE PIG, DON’T YOU DARE BE AFEARD
and the pig gets on the PA like
NOT BY THE STENCH OF MY PEDOPHILE BEARD
and the wolf is like well fuck
HOW ABOUT I USE BLOWING
and he does
why would he even try
it’s made of bricks
i feel like if he has mastered rhyming threats he should also know about bricks
i mean one would assume
but anyway he makes a fool of himself
and then he decides to try something else
which is he decides to climb in through the chimney
but see the wolf sucks at being stealthy
so the sociopath pig already knows what he’s doing
and he just calmly goes into his living room
and sets a big cooking pot in the fireplace
so when the wolf jumps down the chimney
like a big hairy santa claus of murder
he lands in the pot and immediately boils to death
it is really terrible and the pig probably gets off on it
and then he gets to enjoy some delicious soup with his OH WAIT HIS FRIENDS ARE DEAD

so the moral of the story
is people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones
and people who live in straw houses shouldn’t taunt wolves
but people who live in brick houses can do whatever the fuck they want

THE END.