(Today’s mythos was selected by Patreon backers!)

Everybody loves weddings
weddings are great
I used to bartend at weddings
it’s cool because you get to watch people in suits get hammered
but guys
can you imagine going to a wedding
where like thirty percent of the guests
are FUCKING WIZARDS?
I KNOW
IT WOULD BE A TOTAL SHIT SHOW
IT ALMOST ALWAYS IS
I USED TO BARTEND AT WIZARD WEDDINGS
IT’S COOL BECAUSE YOU GET TO WATCH PEOPLE IN SUITS TURN INTO ACTUAL HAMMERS

uh anyway
let me tell you about the one wizard wedding that only ALMOST went terribly
it is the wedding of Ilmarinen and the Maiden of the Rainbow.
Ilmarinen is prolly one of the less shitty wizards in the Kalevala
which isn’t saying much
because as the Finnish like to say,
“With great power
comes the ability to be a huge asshole constantly with no consequences.”
So naturally people are overjoyed when Ilmarinen gets hitched
they are SO OVERJOYED
that they set about causing themselves infrastructure problems
just to throw a bangin’ party.

The first thing they do is they breed this ox.
Now the text says that this ox is not the smallest or the biggest
but it is at least big enough
that it cannot be killed by conventional weapons
it is the godzilla of livestock
it eats all the grass normally reserved for the cows
and probably also accidentally eats some cows
and every time a dude goes out to kill it
that dude quickly ends up inside the nearest bush
shitting himself in mortal terror
until this one dude literally washes up on the sea shore.
According to the text this dude is not the smallest or the biggest
but he is at least small enough
that he can sleep inside a seashell
and another interesting fact about him is that he is mostly made of steel
so he’s basically a combination and man/iron man
which is incredibly sweet
and raises the question
of why tony stark didn’t just build those suits for everybody
like, he clearly has the money
and dozens and dozens of suits lying around
at least make a suit for hawkeye
hawkeye is literally just a normal guy with a suboptimal weapon
he needs all the help he can get
nobody cares about any of those characters besides iron man anyway
if you put them all in suits it might fool people for a second.

WHERE WAS I?
Oh yeah, Ant Man jumps out of the sea and kills the ox with one punch
so meat for the party is covered.
BUT WHAT ABOUT BOOZE?
The hostess for this wedding
(Louhi)
is flipping the hell out trying to answer that very important question.
So she runs around town yelling “HOW I MAKE BOOZE”
until some old dude is like “Oh I’ll tell you
I’ll tell you a really long story
about the first time someone made booze
when she just tried to boil hops and barley
and it was shitty
so she kept scraping off wood from the beer barrels
and giving it to a wizard she knew
and the wizard kept turning it into animals
and the animals kept bringing back leaves and bark and bear spit and acorns
until finally the wizard turned the wood into a bee
and the bee got some honey and the beer turned out great
so yeah the answer is honey
put honey in your beer, problem solved.”

So Louhi is like “Great, thanks dude
you probably could have just skipped to that last hot tip
but i guess it’s hard to fit a practical beer recipe
into trochaic quadrameter
so i should prolly cut you some slack.”
Then she goes and makes the beer
and it’s GREAT

PERHAPS TOO GREAT
this beer is so great that it has developed RUDIMENTARY INTELLIGENCE
the beer is like “HEY LOUHI
GET ME A DOPE-ASS SINGER TO SING ABOUT HOW GREAT I AM”
so Louhi brings in a big bag of fish
but fish can’t sing
so she bring in a child
but fuck children
and then she’s out of ideas
and is totally starting to freak out
when Ilmarinen finally shows up.
Everybody is so excited
they physically rip off the door to make it easier for him to get in
and then his guest room turns into a chromed out bang palace
because that’s why wizards study magic
and then the party gets started
and everybody drinks the great beer
which has remained woefully unsung this whole time
and this dude Wainamoinen is like “HOLY SHIT WAIT
SOMEBODY NEEDS TO SING ABOUT THIS FUCKING BEER
NOT SINGING ABOUT BEER
IS BASICALLY LIKE SAYING THE BEER IS SHITTY
AND THIS BEER HAS EARS, MY FRIENDS
IT WILL FUCK YOU UP
AFTER FUCKING YOU UP.”
but everybody is too chickenshit to sing about the beer
so this one little kid is like “I mean I could -”
and Wainamoinen is like “NO, FUCK YOU KID
SOMEBODY GET THIS KID OUT OF HERE.”
and this old dude is like “well i used to be a singer
but now I -”
and Wainamoinen is like “Okay fine i’ll sing about the beer
jesus you guys, take a music class.”

It turns out Wainamoinen is actually a legendary bard
so i dunno why he was bugging everybody else
could have just sung and not made a fucking scene
but anyway it’s great
everybody agrees its great
and the beer fails to erupt out of their chests like an alien.

The moral of the story
Is that you should only go to karaoke bars
it is the safest way to drink.

The end.

YES IT IS TIME
TIME FOR A MYTH
FROM A MYTHOS
CHOSEN BY MY PATREON BACKERS.
This month:
a quick just-so story from the Kalevala!

Ok so this story isn’t part of like
the main story of the Kalevala
which is mainly about wizards being assholes.
This is actually just a side-story
told by an asshole wizard named Wainamoinen
who has just lost literal boatload of blood
so take what he says with like a million grains of salt.
Like, get salt poisoning and die is what I’m saying.
It will protect you from believing wrong things.
It is hard to believe wrong things when you’re dead
this is why the phrase “dead wrong” is so bogus.

Anyway this story gets told
because when Wainamoinen goes to a dude for medical help
the dude instead asks Wainamoinen to tell him a story
about the origin of iron
so Wainamoinen is like “Uh ok
kinda going into shock here buddy
but here we go:

So back in the day there were these 3 chicks
they were the daughters of some god
which explains their nonsense behavior I guess.
What they do is they fly around everywhere
squeezing milk out of their tits
and only one of them has normal colored milk
one of them has red milk and one of them has black milk
which are not colors you want coming out of your body
like, ever.
But anyway they spray this bodyjuice all over the world
and it turns into iron
which, again
probably says bad things about their health prospects.

The different colored milk turns into different kinds of iron
but it doesn’t really matter in the end
because the iron all becomes one being
with like, a primitive hive mind
and the hive mind wakes up one day
and is like “Hm … pretty lonely down here on the earth
I’ma go visit my brother Fire.”

Fire is a terrible brother to have
because fire only interacts with things by setting them on fire
so Iron shows up at Fire’s place like hey bro
and Fire is like “ROARRRRR IMA EAT CHOO”
and Iron is like “oh shit this was a bad idea”
and runs away and hides in the ground
which is why iron is in the ground now
so thanks a lot, fire.

Iron isn’t super well hidden, though.
We know this because pretty soon
this blacksmith god Ilmarinen comes down
and builds a big forge
and just starts kidnapping iron and throwing it in his forge
and Iron is like “NOOO WHAT THE FUCK
I DON’T WANNA BE WEAPONS”
and Ilmarinen is like “TOUGH BRO, DUDES GOTTA DIE”

but the Iron isn’t cooperating
it’s soft and shitty, like a bag of worms
so Ilmarinen is frustrated, obviously
he needs to figure a way to make this iron better
and what he decides
is that it needs to be bribed with honey
so he finds a bee that can speak Finnish
(which, luckily, are more common in Finland than elsewhere)
and he’s like “I need a bunch of honey to rub on my swords”
and the bee is like “Sure dude
no questions asked as long as you pay me.”

But you know who’s eavesdropping on this conversation?
A motherfucking WASP.
And wasps just gotta fuck things up for everybody.
So this wasp gets up from his polished mahogany dinner table
climbs in his minivan
and goes to OSH and buys as much poison as he can find
and he brings it all back to Ilmarinen
like “Hey, here’s the honey you ordered”
and Ilmarinen can’t tell the difference between bees and wasps
because he is an insect racist
so he lets the wasp pour poison and violence all over his swords
and then the swords all wake up like “RAAAAA
FUCK PEACE
GONNA BE THE WORST THINGS EVER FROM NOW ON”
and that is why iron stabs people all the time now.

So yeah, Wainamoinen tells that whole story
and the dude he’s with is like “Wow, I had no idea
fuck Iron, am I right?”
and Wainamoinen is like “yeah seriously.
So can I get like a bandaid?”
and the dude is like “Oh yeah, whoops”
and everybody learns a valuable lesson
which is that iron is the worst
and it’s a good thing we invented safe weapons like atom bombs
because no bees were harmed in the making of those missiles.

The end.

So Kullervo just banged his sister so hard she killed herself
and now he’s looking for a distraction
because that’s not the kind of thing you want to dwell on
so he’s like “I KNOW
I’LL KILL UNTAMO
THE DUDE WHO CHASED OFF MY PARENTS
AND THEN TRIED TO RAISE ME
UNTIL I KILLED LIKE EVERYONE IN HIS HOUSE.”
and his mom is like “No dude, don’t do it.”
and Kullervo’s like “I GOTTA”
and his mom is like “why?”
and he’s like “BECAUSE OF REASONS.”

So he goes to all his surviving family members one by one
and asks them if they’ll miss him while he’s gone
and his dad is like “No, fuck you
you destroyed my boat and my nets and fucked my daughter to death
you are basically the worst.”
and his brother is like “Yeah no, seriously fuck you”
and his surviving sister is like “Yeah, please leave
before you accidentally have sex with me in a sled you creeper.”
and Kullervo is like “FINE
I DON’T NEED YOU GUYS ANYWAY
I’LL MAKE MY OWN FAMILY
OUT OF SNOW AND BRANCHES AND BERRIES AND SHIT
I’M A WIZARD
BUILDING A FAMILY IS TRIVIAL.”

Then he goes to his mom and he’s like “Hey will you miss me?”
and she’s like “WHAT?
OF COURSE!
I LOVE YOU, SON
DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE EXCLUSIVELY DONE TERRIBLE THINGS
FOR YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE
I AM SOMEHOW DOOMED TO NOT WANT YOU DEAD
IT IS A SPECIAL, LONELY HELL FOR ME.”
And Kullervo is like “Awesome, thanks mom.”
Then he leaves.

So he’s riding over to Untamo’s place
and a messenger catches up with him, like “Hey, your dad’s dead.
You should prolly go home and bury him.”
and Kullervo is like “HAHA SUCKER.
Nah I’d love to but I really have to go murder this other guy.”
and then another messenger comes and is like “Your brother is dead.”
and Kullervo is like “LOL”
and then another messenger comes and is like “Your sister is dead.”
and Kullervo is like “THAT’S WHAT SHE GETS FOR NOT HAVING SEX WITH ME
AM I RIGHT?
HIGH FIVE.”
But that messenger just leaves him hanging
and then ANOTHER messenger comes
and is like “Dude, your mom is dead.”
and Kullervo is like “Oh shit, SERIOUSLY?
You mean, the one person in the entire goddamn world
who doesn’t think I’m an asshole
is now DEAD?!”
and the messenger is like “Well if it’s any consolation
she also thought you were an asshole
she was just forced to love you because motherhood.”
and Kullervo is like “BALLS.”

But he still REALLY wants to kill Untamo
so he prays to Ukko for a sweet sword
and Ukko is like “sure dude,
have a sword.”
And then Kullervo shows up at Untamo’s place
kills everyone
burns down all their houses
and leaves.
I’ve just spent more lines describing that battle than the original does.
It’s really not a big deal, apparently.

After all that murder, Kullervo’s like “Welp, better go home.”
So he goes home
and BIG SURPRISE
his house is emptier than the bowels of a die-hard laxative addict.
Seriously I have no idea why he even went home
those messengers straight up told him his whole family was dead
what, does he not trust those messengers?
I mean … I guess messengers have fucked up before.
Probably a smart move on Kullervo’s part, to be honest.

But if it is, it’s the only smart move Kullervo makes
because then he wanders off into the forest
with the magic sword Ukko gave him
and he’s like “Hey magic sword
you can talk, right?”
and the sword is like “Yeah, duh.
I’m a magic sword.”
and Kullervo is like “Cool, cool.
Would you mind stabbing me in the heart and drinking all my blood?
I’m just not feeling great right now and I think that would help.”
and the sword is like “Well, suicide is never really a solution to anything
but you did just make me kill like a thousand innocent people
so I’m okay with it.”
and Kullervo is like “Okay, rad.”
then he stabs himself and dies.

So, the moral of the original story
is actually good enough
that I’m going to reproduce it here:
don’t raise your children badly
(I mean, that’s a given)
but also
don’t give them out to strangers
especially if they’re wizards.
Seriously, who just goes around passing out wizard babies?
A wizard baby, properly husbanded
can be the jewel of any farm
but handled poorly
they just become big screaming piles of poop and incest
sort of like a Tamagotchi
OF MURDER.

THE END.

So Kullervo gets apprenticed
to a blacksmith and his woman
but the blacksmith’s always elsewhere
so it’s really just the woman
(who’s just called “the blacksmith’s woman.”
Finland doesn’t name its women.)
So this woman sees Kullervo
and she doesn’t really like him
not that I can really blame her
so she packs him up a lunchbox
and then sits him down and tells him:

“I’ma make you be my shepherd
go defend my cows from goblins
also bears and wolves and werewolves
(Finland has a wildlife problem)
then you need to bring them back here
where I’ll milk their fucking tits off
man I REALLY love that dairy
all that butter, milk and yogurt
all that cheese and ice cream sundaes
have you ever taken warm milk
and just poured it on your body
rubbed it all over your body
til it’s dripping off your body
wow I think I have a boner.”
and Kullervo’s like “…okay then”

So he takes the lady’s cattle
out across the Finnish prairie
and it’s really fucking boring
and he’s pretty goddamn hungry
so he digs into his lunchbox
and he finds a big ol’ oat cake
so he sticks his knife into it
(just to see if he can kill it)
but the oat-cake has a secret:
THERE’S A ROCK INSIDE THIS OAT CAKE
WHY ARE ROCKS INSIDE AN OAT CAKE?
CAUSE THAT LADY IS AN ASSHOLE
now Kullervo’s knife is broken
which is really disappointing
how’s he gonna murder people?
but a bird appears and tells him:
“You’re a wizard, dude, remember?
You can fuck shit up with magic.
I’m a bird, and I support this.”
(birds are terrible, I tell you)
so Kullervo calls the goblins
and the wolves, and bears, and werewolves
plus the vultures and the dragons
and the cattle mutilators
man, those cows don’t know what hit em

then he rounds up all those monsters
while they’re gnawing on that beefsteak
and he makes them look like cattle
just to prank his shitty mistress
then he goes back to the castle
and he tells her “come touch udders!”
but she’s like “you fucking do it.”
and he’s like “Oh man, I’d love to
boy these udders look so luscious
I can’t wait to squirt the milk out
squirt it all over my body
rub the nipples on my body
til there’s yogurt on my body…”
and the lady’s like “I’M COMING.”

so she runs into the front yard
all like “LET ME TOUCH THE UDDERS”
but there aren’t any udders
all there is are wolves and goblins
and she’s like “Oh shit, don’t eat me”
and she asks the gods to save her
but Kullervo prays to kill her
and the gods like that dick better
so that crazy dame gets eaten
crying out in butter anguish
and Kullervo’s like “Aw hell yea
serves you right for shitty biscuits
time to go and cause more problems
bet this won’t have consequences.”

So the moral of this story
is to brush up on your baking.

When I told the tale of Turin
y’all informed me I was trippin
cause the story Tolkein ripped off
for his store-brand tragic hero
is the god damn Kalevala
and it’s way way way way better
and I have to yell it at you
so, uh, hold on to your faces
while I talk about Kullervo:

Back in old and violent Finland
there’s a farmer named Kalervo
(no relation to Kullervo
other than that he’s his grand-dad?)
and this other dude Untamo
really hates him some Kalervo
cause Kalervo steals his fish
and Untamo hates to share fish
so Untamo kills Kalervo
also all Kalervo’s people
other than his sexy daughter
who is pregnant with Kullervo

Now, Kullervo is a wizard
and he doesn’t have a father
cause he’s Finnish super-jesus
only way more of a dickhead
like they put him in a cradle
which he blows up with his magic
so they’re like “oh shit, a wizard”
and they put him in a basket
put the basket in the river
all like “Welp, it worked on moses”
BUT IT DOESN’T WORK ON THIS DUDE
he just gets out of the basket
so they come back to the river
all like “Wow, we’d better burn him”
so they set his ass on fire
but his ass is like asbestos
so they put out all the fire
all like “dang, let’s crucify him”
But Kullervo’s super-jesus
so it doesn’t even matter.

So Untamo’s freaking out now
(he’s who wants to kill Kullervo)
like “I can’t seem to destroy him
better give him some employment”
so he has him watch a baby
but Kullervo kills the baby
then he has him chop some firewood
but Kullervo kills the forest
then he wants a fence for livestock
but Kullervo makes too much fence
so he has him thresh some wheat
which Kullervo fucking ruins

Finally, Untamo’s fed up
he’s like “Boy, you’re fucking useless
gonna sell you to a blacksmith
cause it’s hard to murder iron.”
and Kullervo’s like “Just watch me”
and Untamo’s like “Not gonna
kinda why I’m gonna sell you:
never wanna see you ever.”

Now you know about Kullervo
or at least his early childhood
trust me, shit gets so much weirder
(I will yell about it later)

in the meantime, here’s the moral:
if you find that you are pregnant
but you’re also still a virgin
go a head and kill the baby
cause it’s probably an asshole
also childbirth is way painful.

The end. (until next weekend)

Thank you Sarah “Murder Salad” Crunkpunch
for reminding me about the Kalevala and all the delicious fuckery contained within
here we go:

so there’s this chick right
she’s the maiden of the rainbow
whatever that means
I guess she’s what the lucky charms guy keeps in his pot of gold
shit, I wouldn’t begrudge that guy a hot dame in a cauldron
dude puts up with hell EVERY DAY for the sake of some FUCKING MARSHMALLOWS
but anyway this rainbow lady is a huge bitch who doesn’t understand baking
she’s so bad at baking that she actually makes some bread for her cowherd
composed of 1 part tasty grain
ONE MILLION PARTS ROCKS
it’s basically just one big rock with a flaky crust
the cowherd actually tries to cut it with a magic knife
and the knife breaks
which to me implies that maybe he was ripped off on that magic knife
but to him implies that he needs to MURDER THE MAIDEN OF THE RAINBOW
so here’s how he does it
being a wizard and all
he just goes ahead and transmutes all the cows into WOLVES AND BEARS
then he makes the wolves and bears eat rainbow brite
hold on
he’s a WIZARD?
why didn’t he just turn that rockbread into regular bread
instead of turning a bunch of lameass cows
into a BADASS BRUTALITY FESTIVAL
hm
i think i answered my own question

anyway that chick goes down like a thousand clowns
a whole tiny carful
and that makes her husband
(Ilmarinen, blacksmith extraordinaire)
SUPER BUMMED
he is so bummed
that he decides to MAKE A NEW WIFE
SHUT UP THAT’S A LEGITIMATE STAGE IN THE GRIEVING PROCESS
IT GOES DENIAL
GUILT
BARGAINING
FUCK IT
MAGIC METAL WIFE

so yeah
he uses his blacksmith skills and his UNGODLY WEALTH
to try over and over again to build a hot chick
first he builds a lamb by accident
pretty easy mistake to make
so he melts down the lamb
chucks in some more gold
yells at his contractors
and BOOM
this time he makes a horse
so he’s like FUCK
stuffs it back in the forge
chucks in some adamantium and plutonium
and THIS TIME manages to come out of it with a hot chick
BOOSH
and obviously she’s magic and everything
so she moves around and has sex with him and stuff right?
WRONG
JUST A FUCKING STATUE BUDDY
JUST A SHINY BIG-TITTED MONUMENT TO YOUR BACHELORHOOD

but that doesn’t stop Ilmarinen from trying to get his bone on with her
he gets a bunch of teamsters to carry her into his bed
and then he piles on a FUCKTON of blankets
and he starts playing dick roulette with the statue lady
(dick roulette is where you close your eyes and poke your penis at something
and if it goes in YOU WIN
sometimes)
but the only thing Ilmarinen wins is a severe caste of cock frostbite
aka dickshivers
I hope you do not have much cause to use that term in your daily life
but if you do
you’re welcome to it
you poor bastard

so the next morning
while Ilmarinen is still busy
desperatly trying to unfreeze his foreskin from in between goldlady’s toes
he’s like dammit
this is not working
what now?
OH I KNOW
I’ll pawn this off on this lonely old guy I know
Wainamoinen
BRILLIANT

so Ilmarinen loads up his snowmobile
and he rolls on over to Wainamoinen’s crib and he’s like hey
brought you a goldwife
i mean my first wife was kinda sorta stolen from you so i figure I owe you
and Wainamoinen busts out of his front door like GOLDWIFE?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME DICKSHIVERS OR SOMETHING?
FUCK THAT
and then he’s like oh wait
oh shit
you totally tried to fuck her didn’t you
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HEY EVERYBODY
COME OVER HERE
CHECK OUT THIS DOUCHEBAG WHO TRIED TO FUCK FREEZING JEWELRY
and Ilmarinen is like ok man I get it
I’ll go find a real wife
jeeze

so the moral of the story
is if you’re going to build a robot wife
move to Southern California
no dickshivers, no problem

THE END