Alright so guys
I know a couple of you have paid me money to tell myths
but all three of you want me to read fucking novels
and/or eight million page epic poems
and I’m up against two writing deadlines
and I had a strange dream about my grandma running away and so i need to call her
so yall are just gonna have to cool your jets/hold your horses
for a couple days
while I get this shit sorted out
and MEANWHILE
JUST PICKIN’ SHIT OUT OF THE METAMORPHOSES
YEAHHHHHHH

okay so there’s this dude Pygmalion right
I dunno why but his name has always reminded me of like
a majestic battleship
covered in pigs
but anyway this dude is SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF WOMEN
he’s all like man
women are such skanks
and like
sinful and shit
they constantly make terrible decisions and are basically horrible in every way
you know how I know this?
FROM GREEK MYTHS

GUYS
GREEK MYTHS DO NOT PROVIDE THE MOST ACCURATE AND BALANCED DEPICTIONS OF WOMEN
I mean if you recall
there’s one about how a woman falls in love with a cow
and so invents cosplay in order to fuck it
there’s a story about how THE GREATEST WARRIOR MAIDEN IN THE FUCKING WORLD
is distracted and thus defeated by an armful of shiny apples
and then there’s a whole bunch of chicks that turn into birds and bats and trees
which is just not realistic AT ALL

but regardless
Pygmalion decides that the solution is to never bang any chicks ever
just steer the fuck clear
and remain in his room
masturbating furiously for all eternity
but he gets lonely
OBVIOUSLY
so he’s like oh I know
I’m a great sculptor
how about I just SCULPT myself a woman
out of IVORY
she can’t be a bitch if she’s an inanimate object now can she?
so he chisels out this prime specimen of hotness
like flamethrower-full-of-compressed-boobs level hotness
like napalm-and-blowjob-flavored-salsa level hotness
what i am saying is this statue chick is bo-diddly-dacious
and then Pygmalion settles into a seat
for the most furious masturbation OF ALL TIME
guys
i heard they only just invented 3d porn like a couple weeks ago
what?
how can they say that when Pygmalion clearly invented it several thousand years ago

anyway pretty soon Pygmalion realizes that he has totally fallen in love
with this fake chick he made
he spends a lot of time like
molesting her
and also bringing her presents women like
you know
shiny rocks and shit like that
man i wouldn’t give a statue chick tiny rocks as presents
that would be like giving a real chick tiny lumps of baby flesh
but anyway yeah this dude keeps trying to like make out with his statue
but the statue is a fucking statue so i mean obviously that doesn’t work
and he can’t use his penis on her either for the same reason
but nevertheless he decides to set her up in his bed
like on some cushions or whatever
and then it happens to be like the festival of Venus
so Pygmalion is like yo venus
could you uh
shit i don’t know how to say this
uh
could you find me a chick who is EXACTLY LIKE MY STATUE GIRL
ie incredibly hot and knows how to keep her fucking mouth shut
and Venus is like oh I getcha
WINK
and just transforms that statue chick INTO A REAL GIRL
so like pinnochio
but except more like
SEX Pinnochio
because then they immediately have sex
and venus is floating above them watching
like a total creeper
and she is like I HEREBY BLESS THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RIGHTEOUS BONING
and then they have a daughter somehow
in the statue chick’s creepy artificial womb
and the kid’s name is Paphos
she is a chick
and later she gets an island named after her so that’s cool

so the moral of the story
is fuck being sensitive and empathetic and whatever
buy a realdoll
pray to venus
BAM
instant wife

the end.

Fuck you guys it’s greek myth time

So there’s this chick telethusa
which sounds like the name of some cthonian internet service provider
and she is married to some asshole who got her knocked up
and one day he calls her over like hey honey
umm
i hate to say this
but if you squirt a girlchild out of your womb I am going to have to kill it
goddd this is soooo awkward
and Telethusa is like NO SHIT DICKWEED
but actually she stops halfway through the sentence because of UNBEARABLE LABOR PAIN

cuz see here’s the problem
Telethusa is pretty sure she is gonna have a girl
so basically her husband just walked up to her like GONNA MURDER YOUR BABBY LOL
but it’s ok
because then she passes out
and pretty much the ENTIRE EGYPTIAN PANTHEON shows up
seriously
Osiris is there
and Anubis also
now i know what you’re thinking
WAAH I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GREEK MYTH
shut up asshole
look it’s fine
Io is also there
and Harpocrates
who is basically just the stolen Greek version of Horus
so that’s sort of a compromise
basically i have no idea what the fuck Ovid thinks he’s doing right now
but anyway io is like hey Telethusa
chill out
your babby’s gonna be fine
I guarantee it
and then immediately the baby is like FUCK THIS I’M OUT OF HERE
and Telethusa is like OW MY PELVIS
AND A BABBY IS BORN

so Telethusa’s husband comes in like hey is that a girl or a boy there
remember
if it is a girl i am going to kill it
so answer carefully
and Telethusa is like TOTALLY JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A MAN
and her husband is like SWEET
WON’T EVEN BOTHER TO CHECK
guys this is like when i came across the border from Oregon into California
and they were like hey do you have any foreign fruits or vegetables or anything
and i was like nope
and they were like EXCELLENT
WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA
and then me and my mobile marijuana farm/killer bee hatchery
rolled right across the border unmolested
THAT IS WHAT THIS IS LIKE
WHAT A SHITTY SYSTEM

anyway Telethusa has to commit to this lie pretty hard
so she raises her little girl
(who her husband names Iphis btw)
as THE ULTIMATE MAN
and by the ultimate man i mean a little girl dressed up as a little boy
anyway Iphis is pretty good looking or whatever
and so this chick Ianthe totally falls in love with her
thinking she is a dude
and the feelings are totally mutual
except Iphis is totally aware of her pesky vagina
actively cockblocking all possible marital funtimes
although i guess cockblocking is a wrong word
because there are no cocks involved
and in fact the acute cock deficit is the root of the problem
maybe cocklacking?
i think i want to stop using the word cockblock altogether
in favor of meatdefeat
but that’s another issue entirely

anyway Iphis spends a lot of time bitching about how unnatural her love is
like she actually has the proverbial balls to claim
that what she wants to do to Ianthe is worse than when that chick fucked that bull
and then gave birth to a MAN-EATING WERECOW
then she briefly entertains the idea
of contracting daedalus to make her a wax strapon
then she’s like no that’s stupid
how about I whine to the gods about it
OR HOW ABOUT YOU INVENT SCISSORING YOU DUMB BITCH
but anyway she’s like yeah hey egyptian gods and also Io
and also some other greek god who is actually a stolen egyptian god
remember how you told my mom you would totally hook me up
well now would be the time to do that
and BAM
INSTANT DONG
and then she (he?) goes and bangs the shit out of Ianthe
thus proving once and for all
that if god is actively hindering your same sex sexytimes
you are clearly praying to the wrong gods
because real pantheons bestow PENISES

THE END

Okay so yes this is a little late I’m still on East Coast time assholes

anyway Zeus right
he is experimenting with potential hiding places for his penis
all over this chick Metis
he has already tried all the usual options
armpit
ear canal
that place that is like an armpit but it is behind your knee
and you don’t put deodorant on it
or at least I don’t
but actually i dont think the greeks put deodorant anywhere
anyway he’s running out of penis hollows
when he is like wait a second
there is this thing called a vagina i keep hearing about
i wonder if that would be a good place for my penis
well shit only one way to find out
hey metis get over here i need to use your vagina for science
(this is an excellent pick up line by the way
try it at home)
so then they have sex obviously
but clearly zeus has not thought this shit through
i mean when does he ever think this shit through
because see there is this prophecy floating around
that zeus is gonna have a kid that is gonna be more powerful than him
and zeus hears about this shit and he is like WHAT
COME ON
WE CAN’T HAVE THAT
and then someone else tells him that the way you have kids
is by hiding your penis in vaginas for extended periods of time
and zeus is like what seriously
fuckkckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
HEY METIS
GET OVER HERE
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME WITH YOU AND MAYBE FORCE YOU TO HAVE AN ABORTION
and metis is like ok what is this game you are talking about
and zeus is like how bout a shapeshifting contest
and metis is like i dont see how this could possibly go wrong
okay i am a chainsaw now
and zeus is like I AM BUTTER
and metis is like I AM A SALAD
and zeus is like I AM TWO CATS FUCKING
and metis is like FORM OF A GLASS OF WATER
and zeus is like I’M A WHOLE BUCKET OF TACOS
and metis is like OH YEAH WELL I’M A FLY NOW
and zeus is like BAM BITCH THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR
and he eats her
thus effectively solving all his problems forever
but actually his problems are not solved at all
because nine months later
he gets this bonerkilling headache
that kills all his boners with such ferocity
that he actually has hephpaestus split open his head with a shovel
and BOOM
HERE COMES ATHENA
SPRINGING FULLY FORMED OUT OF ZEUS’S BRAINWOMB
and zeus is like aw fuck now i gotta pay child support

so the moral of the story is
always wear a condom
because otherwise
you are going to have to resort to an impromptu skull c-section
with a shovel

It’s good to be back.

Guys I have an announcement:
(Don’t worry there is a totally sweet myth under all this lame text)

I am really fucking tired
I need to take a break from doing this blog
for about a couple of weeks
to recover from grad apps, pending illness, travel
and also maybe have time to actually put all the links in these posts
where they are SUPPOSED TO BE
AND NEVER END UP BEING BECAUSE I MAKE POSTS FASTER THAN I DO LINKS
Tuesday is going to be my last post until JANUARY FIRST 2011
so between tuesday and January 1st
try not to die of withdrawal or something?
Additionally if anyone wants to do guest myths now would be the time
lemme know in the comments and we’ll work something out.

OK SO MYTH NOW

Ixion, right?
fuuuuuuck this guy
so first of all
this takes place WAYYY back in the day
back before assholes like Medea and Thyestes
when the bar for being a completely incomprehensible toolshed of a human being
was set pretty low
well guess how it got set so high?
THAT’S RIGHT
IXION

basically what he does
is he marries this chick Dia
which is great
except apparently women cost money in ancient greece
payable directly to their fathers upon marriage
but see Ixion kind of forgets to pay any money at all
so Dia’s dad Deioneus is like
ok well fine
i guess if you aren’t going to pay me
I’m going to pay you
in ANTIHORSES
by which I mean I am going to steal your horses
BAM

so Ixion gets wind of this
and he is like what the fuck
all i was trying to do was liberate women
because paying their fathers money for them
just strengthens the unjust marrying-off-your-daughters industry
(see what Ixion has done here
is he has invented the ancient greek version of bittorrent
but for sex
which is sadly the only thing modern bittorrent cannot provide
YET)
no really dude I am a humanitarian
excuse me while i invite you over to my house for dinner
and then push you into these hot coals I found
thus burning you alive
oh hey aren’t you my father in law?
guess that makes me the FIRST PERSON EVER TO KILL A MEMBER OF MY OWN FAMILY
WHO WAS ALSO A GUEST IN MY HOME
wow I’m just racking up points huh
I actually feel a little bit shitty about this
maybe that is enough to convince my neighbors to absolve me of my sins

turns out nope
no one wants to go near this guy
you have to understand
this kind of bullshit was literally INCOMPREHENSIBLE before Ixion did it
or maybe people thought about it
but they never actually ACTED on those thoughts
so everyone is just like shit dude
you’re on your own
and Ixion is like WHY ME
ALL I DID WAS STEAL MY WIFE AND THEN SET HER DAD ON FIRE
and zeus hears him crying
and is like now THIS is a dude i can sympathize with
hey Ixion do you want to come up to Olympus
we’re having a party
we got booze and hot chicks
and Ixion is like now hold on a second
you’re not going to try and make me pay MONEY for those hot chicks are you
and zeus is like fuck no what do you take me for
some sort of dude who doesn’t like getting laid for free or something?

so Ixion shows up at the party
and immediately sees this chick who is a seven-layered hummus dip
of pure sexy attractiveness
like
his eyes straight up do that thing
where they shoot out like seven feet in front of him
and make foghorn noises
except wait it isn’t his eyes it’s his dick i’m sorry

now normally this would not be a problem
i mean this is basically ALL BACCHUS EVER DOES AT THESE EVENTS
if not for one little problem
which is that this sexy honey Ixion has his balls set on
is HERA
and rumor starts getting around that Ixion is trying to bang her
now, zeus is of course legendary for his infidelity
(although to be fair this myth may take place before most of that shit
but actually
trying to establish a chronological canon for greek mythology
is kind of like trying to establish a canonical chronology
for a cannon
while it is constantly firing cannonballs at you
also the cannonballs are full of angry ferrets)
but regardless Zeus cannot ABIDE by the idea
that some dude might be mindcaressing his womantrophy with his eyedicks
but he likes Ixion for some reason
so he decides to give him the benefit of the doubt
and test him to see if any of this shit is true

so what Zeus does
is he makes a fully functional Hera sex doll out of clouds
and then Ixion sees it
and he is like OH DAMN
and he fucks it to PIECES
and gets it PREGNANT
wait PREGNANT?
WHAT?
THIS JUST IN SCIENTISTS
CLOUDS HAVE UTERUSES NOW
GREAT JOB EVERYONE
THERE GOES MY FANTASY OF JACKING OFF OUT AN AIRPLANE WINDOW
yeah and then cloudhera has a baby
a baby named centaurus
who is a total asshole and rapes a chick and fathers a race of monsters
give you three guesses what that race ends up being called
no not gremlins
or chupacabras
give up?
CENTAURS! DING DING DING CORRECT

meanwhile Zeus gets pretty super pissed
and duct tapes Ixion to a giant wheel of fire
you know
as you tend to do when someone impregnates a replica you made of your wife
and Ixion rolls around the sky for a while
screaming, etc
until everyone gets tired of listening to him and they put him in Tartarus

I think we have all learned something today
which is NEVER fuck clouds
no matter how voluptuous or lifelike they appear
because they are going to get pregnant
and you are going to end up on fire
and anyway I hear clouds don’t put out

the end.

Alright

So remember a long long LONG time ago
when I told you I would tell you
where the golden fleece is from?
well guess what
TODAY IS FINALLY THAT DAY WHERE I DO THAT

so there’s this dude Phrixus right
god i really want to spell his name Phryxis
so THAT’S HOW IT’S GOING TO BE SPELLED NOW
so Phryxis
like most greeks
is the son of a king and a goddess
specifically some bit character goddess named Nephele
goddess of clouds
seriously why do you need a goddess of clouds
you already have a god of wind
(Aeolus)
and a god of water
(Poseidon)
and a god of fucking THUNDERSTORMS
(Zeus!)
SO WHAT IS THERE LEFT FOR NEPHELE TO DO?
well apparently get knocked up
and then abandon her kid
to be raised by her mortal husband and his evil second wife
Ino

now get ready for the shock of the century
you see Ino
DOES NOT LIKE PHRYXIS VERY MUCH
neither does she like Phryxis’s twin sister
Helle
whose name disappointingly does not rhyme with her brother’s at all
and Ino comes up with this CRAFTY PLOT
(read: incredibly convoluted tomfoolery)
to make Phryxis and his sister dead
what she does
is she collects all the seeds in the entire kingdom
and she BAKES THEM
rendering them useless
so when the peasants go to plant them
they are like oh what the fuck is THIS
now we are going to starve to death
what do we do
oh I know
let’s go see the oracle at delphi
BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS ALREADY

so they go and see the oracle
and Ino meets them on the way back and bribes them
like hey
here’s some cured ham and some dildos
tell everyone the oracle said to kill my stepchildren
wait hold on
THAT’s her plan?
what if no one had decided to go to the oracle?
what then?
sit at home and starve to death?
and actually, she’s going to starve to death either way
EVERYONE is going to starve to death
BECAUSE SHE RUINED ALL THE CROPS FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR
and even on top of that
she probably didn’t even need to bribe those farmers to lie
because the oracle ONLY says things that result in families disintegrating
and/or people dying horribly
no matter how you look at it
this is a horrible plan
this is a worse plan
than playing chicken with a rhino
ass first

Ino’s shitty plan works perfectly
everyone is like welp i guess we need to kill some children
that’s always solved our agricultural problems in the past
but just then i guess Nephele gets tired of being a shitty mom
and sends a golden sheep to her kids’ rescue
now a golden sheep does not sound particularly useful in this situation
or really in any situation at all imaginable ever
unless i guess you needed to knit a golden sweater
but no one needs to knit a golden sweater
just like no one NEEDS to get hornfucked by a rhinoceros
but this is not just any golden sheep
this is a golden sheep that can FLY
so Phryxis and Helle jump on its back
and they TAKE OFF

but all is not well
because apparently women are not designed
to fly on golden animals
that are themselves not designed to fly
because Helle passes out and drowns in the ocean
but who gives a shit because Phryxis makes it to Colchis
where there is this king Aeetes
and Aeetes is like sup dude
and Phryxis is like me
i am flying on a golden sheep
and you know what
I am so grateful not to be dead like my sister
i am going to kill it
and give you its skin
and then marry your daughter
and then father four of the dudes
who are going to come back here later
and steal your fleece
thus ending your empire
as per prophecy
and that is what happens in the argonautica

so the moral of the story
is beware of strangers bearing gifts
if the gift is a levitating farm animal
made of precious metals

the end.

Hey first off
does anyone want to put in the menial labor necessary
to link together all these myths
and put tags on them
because I’m doing it
but I’m doing it slower than i’m writing new myths
and i’m lazy/don’t have infinite time

Oh look a greek myth

so there’s this chick Psyche right
and before you ask
no this is not where the term psyche comes from
because this story has nothing to do with brains
it has to do with boning and death
so i guess this is just one of those things
where it’s a cognate
but it’s false
what’s the word for that?
oh yeah
BULLSHIT

anyway Psyche may not be the smartest pea in the brainpod
or she may be
myth does not say one way or the other
but either way
she is HOTTER THAN TABASCO FLAVORED LAVA
DIPPED IN SUPERMODELS
she has two sisters
but no one gives a shit about them
because THEY
are not nearly as hot
and hotness is the only metric by which any woman CAN EVER BE JUDGED

now i am not just blowing smoke up your ass
when i say Psyche was the hottest thing ever to wear a toga
she is so hot
everyone is like
guys i know we’ve been worshipping venus for like YEARS now
but this chick is WAYYYY hotter
PLUS
THIS CHICK MIGHT ACTUALLY DO US

so obviously Venus gets wind of this and she is like OH NO SHE DIDNT
HEY CUPID
GO MAKE THIS CHICK FALL IN LOVE WITH A MONSTER
and cupid is like sure mom no problem
but then he actually SEE psyche
and he pops a boner SO HARD
it knocks the arrow right out of his bow
and into his face
causing him to fall instantly in love with Psyche
although this step was probably unnecessary
considering how she is HOTTER THAN HABANERO PEPPERS MARINATED IN THE MOLTEN CORE OF THE EARTH AND SERVED WITH A CREAMY TITS GARNISH

so years go by
and cupid is a total limp dick
and does nothing about it
other than refuse to make ANY OTHER DUDES fall in love with her apparently
seeing as no one tries to so much as hit on this most bodacious of babes
right up until the point that her dad is like
WELP I NEED TO MAKE SOME BAD DECISIONS
HOW ABOUT WE ASK THE ORACLE AT DELPHI WHY YOU AREN’T GETTING LAID

so the oracle at delphi
SURPRISE SURPRISE
gives an answer that makes everything worse
which is HEY
YOUR DAUGHTER IS GONNA MARRY A MONSTER
ABANDON HER ON A MOUNTAIN
so they do
and cupid sees this
and he is like OH SNAP
THIS LOOKS LIKE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY
FOR CLASSY RAPE
so he conjures up some wind and BOOM
Psyche is standing in front of his sweetass mansion
but he is nowhere to be found
he gets on the PA system
and he is like hey the house is yours basically
I’m just going to show up every night and bang the shit out of you
it is extremely important that you never try and see who i am
mainly because i have commitment issues
and also I don’t want you to see me for some reason

so Psyche is pretty okay with this
because she gets a mansion
and nightly mindblowing sexytimes
but then one day her spiteful bitch sisters show up
and they are like hey
what’s your husband like
and Psyche is like umm uhh
and they are like I BET HE’S A SNAKE OR SOMETHING
you should probably violate the ONE SINGLE RULE
which he has asked you to obey
and Psyche is like i don’t see a problem with this
SEE PEOPLE
SEE HOW THIS STORY IS NOT ABOUT PEOPLE BEING SMART

So the next night Psyche once again has incredible bonertimes
with the god of love
but this time
once he passes out
she busts out a lantern
the better to see him with
and a knife
in case he is too ugly to live
and it turns out
GASP
HE IS CUPID
Psyche is so shocked by this
that she proceeds to spill hot oil all over her lover
who wakes up like WHAT HEY OW
OH SHIT YOU HAVE A KNIFE NOT AGAIN I’M OUT OF HERE
leaving Psyche alone and miserable
THANKS A LOT, WORTHLESS SISTERS

so Psyche spends the next many years
wandering around feeling sorry for herself
until Venus takes pity on her
oh wait did i say pity
I meant REVENGE
MORE NEEDLESS REVENGE
yeah she catches up with Psyche in a place called Murtia
and she is like hey bitch
how about sort these fucking seeds i found
while guarded by sorrow and despair
and some ants show up like HEY PSYCHE WE ARE YOUR ANIMAL PALS
HERE TO HELP
WE LOVE ORGANIZING SEEDS
and then Venus is like oh yeah
well how about hike to this super deadly waterfall
and get me some jewels from it
and zeus is like OH SHIT WOMEN ARE BAD AT HIKING
BETTER TURN INTO AN EAGLE AND WARP JUMP HER TO THE END
AND CONSPICUOUSLY FAIL TO RAPE HER THE WHOLE WAY
wait

WAIT

HOLD ON NOW

Zeus turns into an eagle
picks up the demonstrably HOTTEST CHICK ALIVE
and FAILS play hide-the-omnipotent-sausage with her?
I call BULLSHIT
but that is beside the point
cause THEN Venus is like ok fine
well how about go to HELL
and get me some coffin or something
I don’t even know
I’m seriously JUST DOING THIS TO KILL YOU
see
this is what the twelve labors of hercules would have been
if Eurystheus had ALSO been Hera
and hercules didn’t have super strength
and was cripplingly depressed all the time

so obviously Psyche dies
but Cupid is like dammit mom what the fuck
I’m telling Zeus
and Zeus is like FUCK THIS
EVERYBODY IS CONSTELLATIONS NOW
so Psyche becomes stars forever

so the moral of the story
is don’t listen to your ugly sisters
if you are getting fucked senseless nightly
by the invisible man
your life is basically paradise
unless you are a straight man i guess
then it would be more like prison
invisible prison
invisiprison?

The end.

Back to some Greek shit

Alright so Pan, right?
he’s the dude with the flute
always getting shitfaced and starting musical duels he CANNOT WIN
basically there’s this story
about how one time his dad Hermes
was like HEY SON
THERE’S THIS BRAND NEW DANCE MOVE CALLED MASTURBATION
HERE IS HOW TO DO IT
and Pan is like oh shit this is SWEET
I’m gonna teach this to some SHEPHERDS
and that is where we get masturbation

but guys
the real story here is not this story
but the story
of the dude
who used to TELL this story
his name is Diogenes
and he is the ultimate hobo

so this guy
he gets born in this place Sinope
his dad is a super important bank dude
and Diogenes uses this fact
to DEFACE ALL OF THE MONEY IN SINOPE
WITH A CHISEL
why?
because he hits up the oracle at delphi one time
and the oracle is like
DEFACE THE CURRENCY
and Diogenes is just like welp ok
but then he gets exiled
so he realizes maybe the oracle gave him TERRIBLE ADVICE AS USUAL
but no
he decides instead that it is his fault for misinterpreting
some REALLY OBVIOUS BAD ADVICE
and decides to deface the “political currency” of Greece

what the fuck does that mean?
well apparently
it means live in a bathtub
in the market square
bathe in the fountain
and jack off all over the fresh vegetables
sometimes people are all like BUT DIOGENES
IT’S WRONG TO MASTURBATE IN THE MARKET SQUARE
but Diogenes is just like I WISH I COULD SOLVE HUNGER
BY JACKING OFF MY STOMACH

one day Plato is walking around being a tool
like Plato tends to do
and he is like guess what
Socrates once defined man
as a featherless biped
pretty cool huh?
at which point Diogenes comes running into the room
with a plucked chicken
like LOOK PLATO I FOUND YOU A MAN
DON’T YOU FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE
and Plato does kind of feel like an asshole
in fact he amends the defenition of a human
to include flat toenails
thus solving the problem forever

so one thing leads to another
and Diogenes finds himself on a boat
that gets jacked by pirates
and he gets sold as a slave to this dude Xeniades
and Xeniades is like hey slave what are you good at
and Diogenes is like all I can do is rule over people
also masturbate in public
sell me to someone who needs to be dominated
and Xeniades is like TUTOR MY KIDS

so that’s what Diogenes does for basically the rest of his life
except at one point
when Alexander the Great shows up while he is napping
and is like hey dude
big fan
anything I can do for you?
and Diogenes is like yeah
get the fuck out of my sunlight
and Alexander the Great is like shit
i kind of wish I was this guy
and conspicuously fails to murder him in any way
and Diogenes lives happily ever after
still occasionally living in a bathtub
even though he has a fucking house and everything

so the moral of the story is
success comes in many forms
be it a career in finance
or a career in public masturbation and insulting people
the choice is yours

The End.

Alright so
when last we left our hero
he was finally getting his ass over to italy
BUT NOT SO FAST
because FIRST
he has to go
TO HELLLLLL
to see his dad so his dad can tell him about the future
this is not as easy as it sounds
and it does not sound easy

basically in order to prove that the fates want Aeneis in hades
he has to go into some nearby forest
and find this golden branch
and pull it off the tree it’s growing out of
and then give it to Charon
the boatguy of the damned
and then and only then does he get to fraternize with corpses
so he does all that shit
with the help of holy doves
and he goes to Charon like sup dude can you take me to hades
and charon is like bitch you best step off
and Aeneas is like how about you say that to MY GOLD TWIG
and charon is like oh shit fine

so than Aeneas is in hell
and who does he see
but DIDO
cause she KILLED HERSELF OVER HIM
so he feels kind of bad about that
but anyway he finds his dad
and then he is like sup dad did you wanna tell me something
that you could not have just told me
when you showed up as a ghost earler?
and his dad is like not really son
i just wanted to tell you some facts about hell
also your descendants are going to found rome
and it’s going to be a great empire and whatnot
because this book is basically a propaganda piece
for the great roman empire
did i already how tell you how great caesar is going to be
he’s going to be a pretty great dude no lie

so after Aeneas is done with all THAT bullshit
it is time for him to get more of his men murdered
so first off he and his men are sitting on the shores of italy
like damn we are hungry
let’s eat some fruit
using all of this awful rock hard bread as tables
oh man that fruit was nowhere near enough food
how about we eat our breadtables
OH SNAP
THE HARPY’S CURSE JUST CAME TRUE
WE JUST GOT SO HUNGRY WE ATE OUR TABLES
THAT WAS NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS WE EXPECTED
KIND OF FEEL GYPPED NOW GUYS
so that’s one obstacle down

but then they still gotta found their kingdom and everything
so they go hit up this dude Latinus
king of the latins
and also his daughter
Lavinia
and they are like hey can we chill for a while
and Latinus is like sure guys no problem
how about you just marry my daughter too while you’re at it
because see
Latinius heard a prophecy
all like “FOREIGN ARMY GONNA CONQUER YOUR KINGDOM SON”
and he was like shit i better ask the oracle to clarify this
because everyone knows that is exactly what oracles do
they clarify things
so basically the oracle is like HEY HEY
YOU SHOULD MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER OFF TO AENEAS
NOT TURNUS
WHO IS A GOOD FRIEND OF YOUR KINGDOM
AND HAS BEEN COURTING HER
FOR YEARS
YEARRRRRRRRRRRRRS
so Latinus is like sure no problem
and that is what he does

but NOT SO FAST, SUGARTITS
remember Juno?
she is not ABOUT to let anyone be happy just yet
i mean this is only book 7
there are 12 books
what the fuck do you think is going to happen in the next five
sewing circle?
FAT CHANCE
man having read this fucking legend
i really wish it had just ended here
reading the Aeneid was not a pleasant experience for me

so ok what happens next
is Juno sends this fury Allecto
to go piss off Latinus’s wife Amata
by wrapping a snake around her legs or something
so she is all like BLUH BLUH KILL AENEAS
and then Juno also tricks one of Aeneas’s dudes
into killing Turnus’s favorite stag accidentally
which is apparently enough reason
for shepherds to start murdering the FUCK out of Aeneas’s dudes
and from that point it’s just a nonstop avalance of murder
for like 5 books
wait 4 books
yeah that’s right
the murder does not stop until the VERY LAST PAGE
and actually
(SPOILER ALERT)
it doesn’t even stop then
you have to turn to the page after the last page
like
the acknowledgements
although depending on the edition you’re reading
there might be murder in the acknowledgements too
your best bet is to find one of the blank pages
they always leave in the front and back of books
presumably for people like me to draw dicks on
i’ve been experimenting with these for YEARS and i have found NO OTHER USE FOR THEM

so yeah then a war happens
Turnus is especially excited about this
since Aeneas was poised to snatch his woman
but really everyone is jazzed about special murder time
with the notable exception
of king Latinus
but finally
after a lot of yelling
he is just like CHRIST GUYS GET OFF MY DICK
I’M GOING TO SLEEP DO WHAT YOU WANT
so war
yes

first thing Aeneas does is run away
now to be fair
he is running away to get reinforcements
but that is not going to stop me
from calling him a pussy
so he goes to a place called Latium
and gets him some Latiums
and then he sails his ass all the way to Arcadia
where this king Evander guy
is like YEAH SURE WE’LL HELP YOU KILL LATINS
BUT FIRST LET US FEAST
NOT LIKE YOU’VE GOT ANY TIME PRESSURE OR ANYTHING
so they feast
and shoot the shit for a while
and then suddenly remember OH SHIT WE NEED TO GO FIGHT LATINS
and they raise an army of several thousand
but there are too many dudes for Aeneas’s boats
so they have to walk
which SUCKS

meanwhile Venus is like hey Vulcan
(Hephaestus)
make our kid Aeneas some armor
and Vulcan is like hold on
how do I know that’s even my son
and Venus is like come on i’m your wife
and Vulcan is like you’re also a WHORE
and Venus is like i’ll suck your dick if you make Aeneas some armor
and Vulcan is like now THAT’S what i pay you for
(why did he marry her?)
so Aeneas is on his way back to the war
when venus shows up like HEY SON
GOT YOU SOME ARMOR
IT’S GOT THE HISTORY OF ROME ON IT
PRETTY SWEET HUH

meanwhile Turnus is like hey Aeneas is gone
how about we kill all his dudes
so he leads his army over to their camp
but he can’t find a way in
so he just sets their ships on fire
but PLOT TWIST
turns out the boats are made of sacred wood
so instead of catching on fire
they dive under the water and turn into NYMPHS
BOOYAH
at which point Turnus is just like fuck this
SIEGETIME

so the Trojans are well fucked at this point
and decide their best bet is to get word to Aeneas
so they get these two dudes
Nisus and Eurylaus
to sneak out and get Aeneas
but apparently they confuse “sneak out and get Aeneas”
with “kill as many Latins as possible
until they hear the sound of your massive lootbag
and cut off your heads
and parade them on stakes in front of the Trojan camp”
these guys are not great at following directions
so then the Latins decide to attack
they manage to collapse a tower
but then the Trojans charge out of the fort like YAAA
and kill a bunch of dudes
then Turnus kills a bunch of dudes
and gets inside the city
but there’s too many dudes in there
so he has to jump in the river and float to safety
WHY DO THE LATINS NOT JUST SWIM IN THROUGH THE RIVER

Meanwhile Jupiter is watching this shit happen
like what the fuck Juno
what did you do
Just stop, ok?
please just stop
and Juno is like psh fine
i guess enough people have died
and will continue to die
as a result of my dickery

then Aeneas gets a boat
and arrives at the battle
and everyone kills each other a whole bunch
mainly Aeneas kills everyone
but also Turnus kills Pallas
who is the son of Evander
who Aeneas was specifically supposed to protect
and he gets REALLY PISSED OFF
(kind of like Achilles and Patroclus in the Iliad
kind of EXACTLY LIKE ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS IN THE ILIAD)
and he kills even MORE dudes
pretty much singlehandedly winning the battle
like i don’t even know why he brought dudes with him
this guy is a one man meatgrinder

so at this point Juno is like can i please just make Turnus not die
and Jupiter is like psh fine i guess
so Juno makes Turnus hallucinate SO HARD
he chases what he thinks is Aeneas onto a boat
and then the boat sails away
good luck explaining that later asshole

so then everyone is pretty tired of war for the next 12 days
and basically just dick around
you know
BURYING THEIR MOUNDS OF DEAD
and during this time king Latinus is also kind of like hey guys
we’re losing this war
harder than anyone has ever lost a war
and that is a tall order
considering the trojan war just fucking happened
can we just cede some territory and bow out of this murderfest?
and Turnus is like PUSSY
and Latinus is like oh yeah tough guy
howsabout dueling Aeneas to end this shit for good
and Turnus is like NO TIME GOTTA GO FIGHT MORE TROJANS
cause see the trojans are on their way right at that very moment
to fuck Lavinium down around the Latins’ ears
and then fuck their ears

so along with the great warrior maiden Camilla
Turnus rides out to
you guessed it
murder more dudes
but Camilla is murdering EVEN MORE DUDES
MORE DUDES THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE
until she sees something shiny
and gets herself stabbed trying to get it
The Aeneid:
Most crucial piece of feminist literature ever?
anyway it’s all downhill from there
and basically the Latins end up cowering in their city
wishing they had never listened to Turnus

well Turnus finally decides to take responsibility for his actions
and duel Aeneas for all the marbles
those marbles being Lavinia’s tits
but Juno gets all worried
cuz she knows Aeneas is way better at killing than Turnus is
so remember when Juno promised not to interfere anymore?
well FUCK THAT SHIT
SHE’S A GODDESS
SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS
she hits up Turnus’s sister Juturna
like hey chick
get war started again so Turnus doesn’t have to die in this duel
come on
you have the power
to replace Turnus’s death
with a thousand pointless deaths
and Juturna is like I’LL DO IT
so she dresses up like a noble
and goes over to the Latin soldiers
like hey
hey
i bet you could win right now
if you all just threw your spears
look
they are totally not expecting you to do this
because they are HONORABLE FUCKING PEOPLE
so a Latin dude throws his spear
and then all hell breaks loose
for like the FOURTEENTH TIME
and when the smoke clears
Aeneas has been shot in the leg
and Amata has been shot in the leg
and a bunch of dudes..
well
they have been killed
and we are back to square one
with Turnus challenging Aeneas to a duel again

so this time they actually fight
and Aeneas seems to have somehow acquired Turnus’s ass
at some earlier time
because during this battle
he HANDS IT TO HIM
and turnus is lying on the ground
like please Aeneas
don’t chop off my head
you can have Lavinia and everything it’s fine
i would just like to keep my head exactly where it is on my body
and Aeneas is like nope
and kills him

and that ends the story of Aeneas
which is basically just a combination of the Odyssey and Iliad
with most of the names changed
and less mercy
and a lot more hailing of Caesar and the Roman empire
so the moral of the story is
plagiarism is wrong
unless it’s government sponsored plagiarism

good luck on your term papers guys.

Hey so first of all
I wanna thank the good people from dailygrail.com
for singlehandedly composing most of my site traffic
seriously you guys rock
keep doing that

second I want to thank the mysterious A
for rescuing me from writer’s block once again
by requesting this myth

now i am sick of thanking people
so let’s talk about boobs and violence

so you all remember the trojan war right?
if you don’t, too bad
gonna pretend you do
so basically after all the murdering happens
the trojans are stupid enough
to invite a giant hollow wooden horse full of enemies into their city
one thing leads to another
and the next thing you know troy is on fire
and the war is basically over
because it is hard to have a war when you are on fire

BUT ALL IS NOT LOST
because there is this dude Aeneas
he shows up somewhere in the Iliad pretty sure
son of Venus and shit
anyway he is in the middle of all this fire like FUCK THIS
and he goes and grabs his dad
and his wife
and carries them out of the city on his back
but then he loses his wife
but it’s okay because like i said he is the SON OF VENUS
so (spoiler alert) PUSSY IS NOT GOING TO BE HARD TO COME BY
we’ll get to that in a minute

oh yeah also
guess who hates Aeneas
could it be the same celestial antagonist
who repeatedly fucked over HERCULES
AND IO
AND GANYMEDE
AND SEMELE
AND PELIAS???
you got it my friends
i’m talking about Hera
AHEM
Juno
because this story is basically a roman rebranding
of everything that was good about greece
think of the Aeneid
as the 2001 Zac Snyder remake
of George Romero’s classic zombie film Dawn of the Dead
where suddenly zombies can run really fast
and they replace character development with a bus full of chainsaws
okay that sounds sweeter than I intended to

ANYWAY
so Aeneas gets some ships
and he puts some survivors on those ships
and they go gallivanting all over to thrace
where they find some creepy bleeding tree
and then they go to Delos and Apollo is like sup guys
you better go to the land of your forefathers
and they are like where is that
and Apollo is like shit i dunno
figure it out
so they try Crete
and start building a city there
but then they get a plague
and Apollo shows up like oh shit guys i just found my notes
you were supposed to go to Italy
my bad

so they get on their boats again
but there is a storm
and they end up on this island Strophades
where harpies show up to shit on their dinner
and they try and fight the harpies
but the harpies are like HEY HOW ABOUT WE CURSE YOU
BY SAYING THAT YOU WILL NOT GET TO SET UP YOUR KINGDOM
UNTIL HUNGER DRIVES YOU TO EAT YOUR FUCKING TABLES
and everyone is like shit that’s no good

so then they go to Buthrotum
which is this greek city
but some trojans took it over
after they got brought there as prisoners
their names are Helenus and Andromache
and they are like hey Aeneas
if you wanna go to italy
you’re gonna have to go the long way around
cuz if you go the short way
you’re gonna have to deal with scylla and charybdis
SEE
SEE HOW WE EXIST WITHIN THE CLASSIC GREEK CANON
and then not only that
but on their way around italy
this dude comes running up to their ship like HOLY SHIT HELP ME
and they are like who are you
and he is like I AM ONE OF ODYSSEUS’S MEN
except he says Ulysses not Odysseus
because the Romans just have to change EVERYBODY’S NAMES
and he goes on to say that Ulysses stabbed a cyclops in the eye
and escaped
and now this dude is cyclopsfucked up the yinyang
and just then a bunch of cyclopes show up
and Aeneas is like OH SHIT GET ON MY BOAT
and then they get the fuck out of there

so THEN is when Juno starts fucking with everybody
see Juno is pissed
because Aeneas is supposed to eventually conquer carthage
which is like Juno’s favorite city for some reason
so she hits up the wind god Aeolus
like hey dude howsabout ruining some ships for me
so Aeolus is like WOOOSH MOTHERFUCKERS
until posiedon sees what’s up and is like hey dude
this is my ocean
yall best step off
so the storm clears up just in time
and Aeneas and some of his crew arrive
IN CARTHAGE
and not only that
but the queen there
Dido
sees Aeneas and is like WHOA
I WANNA SHOVEL SOME OF THAT IN MY SEX FURNACE
and why does she do this?
she does this because Venus MAKES HER DO IT
like I said
NO TROUBLE GETTING LAID

so Dido sits Aeneas down
and is like tell me about your travels
so he tells her all the shit i just told you
in a flashback SHOCKINGLY REMINISCENT OF ODYSSEUS’S FLASHBACK TO THE PHAEACIANS
and then Juno is like OH MY GOODNESS
IF I GET THESE TWO LOVEBIRDS BANGIN REGULAR-LIKE
THEN AENEAS WON’T EVER LEAVE TO START ROME
WHICH IS THE POINT OF HIS MISSION
so she goes over to Venus like hey
Venus
wanna help me get your son laid
and Venus is like hey
i know what you’re up to
but yes

so Dido and Aeneas start banging
regular-like
but then hermes shows up like hey aeneas
you have a quest remember
and Aeneas is like oh shit that’s right
look Dido i know i took your honor and everything
but i gotta go
right now in the middle of the night
while you are asleep
before you wake up and get mad at me
but then she wakes up and gets mad at him
but he still leaves
and then she sets herself on fire
so that’s fun

So Aeneas and co sail to Eryx
where they have a nine day party in honor of his dad’s death
oh yeah his dad died
a year ago
so much for saving him from that fire
anyway the party includes a lot of sports
and everyone gets prizes no matter what
so they will all feel special
also a guy punches a cow so hard its brain comes out

meanwhile Juno pisses off everybody’s wives
and they set all the ships on fire
but then Aeneas is like hey Zeus I mean Jupiter
put these fires out
and Jupiter is like ok
but then Aeneas is like fuck
i don’t want all these homicidal wives on my ship
maybe we should just make Rome here
and one of his dudes is like no man
just leave all the homicidal wives and old people here
and then we can go start rome with only the manliest men
and then the ghost of Aeneas’s dad shows up like YESSSS
ALSO VISIT ME IN HELL SON

so with this sage advice,
Aeneas gets back on his boat
and starts sailing to italy again
and Venus
knowing that this is the perfect opportunity
for more of Juno’s bullshit
is like hey Poseidon
i know you like making bigass waves and shit
but just this once could you chill out
and let Aeneas sail uneventfully to Italy?
and Poseidon is like fine i guess
but i’m gonna make a dude fall asleep at the wheel of his boat
and fall off and die
that ok?
and Venus is like sure fine

and i’m going to cut this short here
and continue on Thursday
because i do NOT want this post
to be as long as the fucking Mabinogi
and yall just keep requesting ultralong myths

NOT the end