Hey babies

Since I seem to be on this Yoruba kick
I figure now is a good time
for me to go back to one of my favorite gods:
Elegua
well, technically my favorite god is Legba
cigar smoking roadmaster with a dick bigger than most public works projects
but Legba
and Elegba
and Elegua
and Eshu and probably Hermes for that matter
are all basically the same person
just a fast-moving jerk clown swinging more dick than a playground full of private detectives.
Still, just to be safe
(and because I figure he gets a kick out of being called different names)
he’s gonna be Elegua today.

This is actually a story from back in the day
when Elegua was a little kid, and hadn’t done shit yet.
Most of the other orisha (that’s Yoruba for “gods”) think he’s just a punk
and for good reason
the old-timey Orisha have real shit to deal with
like Obatala has just created the whole world and people and everything
and he’s not even the most important dude!

The most important dude is Olofi
who doesn’t even bother with that “human beings” nonsense
and just sticks to granting all the other orisha their powers
and since the orisha
like most gods
mainly use their powers to maim each other and steal each others’ wives
it’s a thankless, tiring job
so tiring, that Olofi comes down with a cold
and when the ruler of the universe comes down with a cold
he comes down harder than the kool-aid man falling down a flight of stairs
(I don’t know why I specifically picked the kool-aid man
maybe because in addition to falling really hard and loud
with a lot of “Ohhh nooooo” and whatnot
there’s also a ton of broken glass
and delicious kool-aid everywhere
that you can’t even drink because of the broken glass
plus your floor is covered in shag carpet
so you’d have to suck it out of the carpet fibers
which sort of taste like dust and dog pee
and also it sort of looks like blood.
You are going to have a lot of explaining to do
why did you invite him to your house and let him get so drunk
this is on you, bro.)

So all the other gods recognize that this is a big deal
if Olofi stops doing his job
their powers are gonna go away
and if their powers go away
how are they going to dick around effectively?
CRISIS.
So everybody shows up at Olofi’s place
and he’s like “Guys i’m actually pretty sick
I really just want to sleep a bit
maybe eat some soup and watch netflix
maybe you can come back later when I’m feeling better”
and everyone is like “NOOOOO
YOU FEEL BETTER NOWWWWW.”
and then they wipe him with magic white cloths
and rub herbs on his body
and clean him with their staffs
and he’s like “Guys I don’t need to be cleaned
I just need some bed rest and lots of fluids”
and the gods are like “NOOOOOO
YOU GET BETTER WITH MAGIC.”
and Olofi’s like “O…Okay.”

Now the whole time this is happening
Elegua is all like “Guys
guys, can I try?”
and everyone is like “No
piss off, shortpants.”
but everyone keeps right on failing
so finally Elegua asks Obatala if he can help
and Obatala
(who has a very low standard when it comes to on-the-job competence)
is like “Sure, kid, do your thing
what could go wrong?”
Proving how little everyone knows about Elegua at this point.

So Elegua goes up to Olofi
and sits on his lap.
This is already inappropriate, and everyone notices.
Then he stuffs some mysterious herbs in Olofi’s mouth
grabs his jaw
and forces him to chew and swallow them.
This is even more inappropriate
but I guess he wants to max out his inappropriate meter
so he can do some kind of Ultimate Faux Pas Limit Break
because then he busts out a feather
and starts tickling Olofi all over
and everyone is like “Alright Elegua
we know we were all basically just doing random shit
and hoping it would work
but you don’t need to be a dick about it.”

But then
Olofi’s chest starts fucking GLOWING
and Olofi is like “YEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWW
HOLY SHIT I FEEL GREAT
THAT MOUTHFUL OF SUSPICIOUS LEAVES WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED
TIME TO GET BACK TO WORK MOTHERFUCKERS
BOONS FOR EVERYBODY.
ELEGUA, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS SHIT?”
And Elegua is like “What, those leaves?
I just found those in the woods.
Not even really sure what they are.”
and Olofi is like “I WILL TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE:
THEY ARE
THE SHIT.
DUDE
YOU ARE MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON
FROM NOW ON YOU ARE THE OFFICIAL MAILMAN FOR THE ORISHA
NO MESSAGES GET ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOUR APPROVAL
AND EVERYONE HAS TO GIVE YOU FOOD
OR ELSE YOU CAN TOTALLY FAIL TO DELIVER THEIR LETTERS
I AM STRAIGHT UP GIVING YOU A DANGEROUS MONOPOLY
ON THIS KEY PART OF OUR INFRASTRUCTURE.”
and Elegua is like “Wow, cool
it’s a good thing I’m not recklessly irresponsible huh?”

So the moral of the story
is that being a drug dealer is a lucrative career path
but being your BOSS’S drug dealer?
Well
you can’t put a price on that.

The end.

So remember how I said Oya was married to Oggun
until Shango came along and started tapping that
(sidenote:
when I say “tapping that”
I always imagine a dude just gently tapping the tip of his penis
against any part of a body
sort of like one of those drinking birds they have in bars
just rocking back and forth
tapping)

well, it turns out Oggun isn’t happy about that
and as we’ve already discussed
Oggun is the perpetually drunk god of big knives
so Oggun not being happy with Shango
quickly turns into Oggun being AT WAR with Shango
and Obatala sees this and he’s like “Whoa guys
whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
I didn’t drunkenly create the world to let you assholes fuck it up
I’ma solve this in the only reasonable way:
forced marriage.
Shango, you’re married to this chick Oba now
so you can’t fuck Oya anymore
you’re welcome.”

Shango is actually fine with this
because he has been almost entirely unfaithful to Oya this whole time
like if their relationship were an RPG character
and one of its stats was “unfaithfulness”
that stat would be maxed the fuck out
dude is OPTIMALLY unfaithful
and Oba, the chick he’s being “forced” to marry
is fucking flawless
so he’s like “Oh dang, Obatala
you got me
guess I have to go be married to Oba now
and I guess have a whole bunch of sex with her.
oh darrrrrrn.”

You know who’s actually pissed off though?
Oya
I mean, she’s the goddess of lightning and death
who also happens to breathe fire
being angry is basically her whole thing.
So she goes over to Oba’s place
where Oba lives with her sister Oshun
and Oba and Oshun are like oh shit
here comes Oya, bout to set us both on fire
but Oya is just like “Hey guys, how are you?
I’m just here to hang out and be suspiciously friendly
no violence, I promise.”
and Oshun is like “Okay, that’s suspicious.”
but Oba is like “WOW YOU ARE SO TRUSTWORTHY”
and Oya is like “I KNOW, RIGHT?
Here, lemme give you some advice:
You know Shango, right?”
and Oba is like “My husband?
You could say I know him, yeah.”
and Oya is like “Yeah, well he and I used to fuck
and lemme tell you something about that dude’s dick
it’s basically just a heat-seeking meat-missile
gonna dock with whatever tuna tunnel is closest
girl, you gotta deploy you some countermeasures.”
and Oba is like “Wow ok
what sort of countermeasures should I deploy?
Should I try, like, communicating with him?
Maybe couples counseling?”
and Oya is like “NO
FUCK THAT SHIT
CUT OFF YOUR EAR AND FEED IT TO HIM.”
and Oba is like “THAT’S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK.”

So she does this thing
she cuts off her ear and stuffs it in Shango’s burrito
and Shango eats it and loves it
and all Oba has to do is wear a head scarf forever
to hide the fact that she CUT OFF HER FUCKING EAR.
Then Oya hits up Shango like “Hey boy
I hear weapons inspectors are en route …
wanna hide your meat missile in my sausage silo?”
and Shango is like “Naw bitch, I’m married now.
I’m taking that commitment uncharacteristically seriously.”
and Oya is like “WTF DUDE
YOU PICKED THE EXACT WRONG TIME TO START HAVING MORALS.
BRO YOUR WIFE IS A WITCH
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?
BECAUSE SHE CUT OFF HER EAR AND FED IT TO YOU.”
and Shango is like “Whoa, how do you know about that?”
and Oya is like “NEVERMIND HOW I KNOW
GO CONFRONT HER ABOUT IT.”

Meanwhile, Oba goes to her sister Oshun and she’s like “So uh
I kinda … cut off my ear and fed it to my husband?”
and Oshun is like “WHAT THE FUCK”
and Oba is like “I know right?
Maybe I shouldn’t have listened to that chick who hates me.”
and Oshun is like “YA THINK?”
and then Shango shows up like “Hey so
I’ve been hearing some CRAZY things about you
like ACTUALLY crazy things that only a crazy person would do.
Can I … uh … can i see your head real quick
just to make sure you have both ears or whatever?”
and Oba is like “Shit, you got me.”
and Shango is like “WHOA
EW
WHAT THE FUCK, WOMAN
I MARRIED A WOMAN WITH TWO EARS
I’M NOT INTO THIS ONE-EAR SHIT
THAT’S IT
OUR MARRIAGE IS NOW MEANINGLESS
TIME TO GO BACK TO FUCKING EVERY WOMAN
WAS KINDA LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO DO THAT ANYWAY
PEACE.”

And Oya is like “Yesss
I get to bang Shango again.
Granted, he’s totally devastated and freaked out
and he’ll never be faithful to me or anyone else ever again
but you know what they say:
you break it, you bang it.”

The end.

Chiggity check it out:

There is this chick named Oya
she’s really less of a chick and more of a god
she has a pretty crazy portfolio
as in, the only characteristic shared by all the things she is god of
is that they are all things that are the coolest
like she is in charge of chaos
destruction
lightning
a river
the number nine
and death
but only part of death
like, the part where you first die
where you’re standing at the gates of the cemetery
like “HMM SHOULD I DIE?”
and she’s like “Yeah bro come right in
my sisters will take great care of you
but if you could just hurry it up
I really have some shit I need to destroy/strike with lightning.”

I feel like gods must have pretty high job satisfaction.

So obviously Oya is a super eligible bachelorette
this makes it super complicated to decide who she marries
so Obatala (patron god of the disabled) cuts through the red tape
by stripping Oya of all agency and picking her a husband she hates.
(Obatala gets to be in charge of things
by virtue of the fact that he made humans one time when he was drunk
but that’s a whole other story
that you can read in my book!)

This shitty husband is named Ogun
Obatala gives Oya to Ogun basically just to calm Ogun down
because, see, Ogun is the god of making things out of metal
but unlike some metal-gods I could name
Ogun is actually metal as fuck
like, his favorite metal thing that he has
is a giant metal machete
which he carries with him all the time
and uses to stab EVERYTHING
plus he’s usually drunk, so that doesn’t help.

So Obatala makes Oya marry Ogun
and Oya is like “Seriously?
You want to chain me to this musclebound knife maniac
in the hope that i will make him jizz out all his aggression?
fuck this, I’m having an affair.”
So she hooks up with the absolute best dude to have an affair with:
Chango, GOD OF THUNDER
(yeah, being a philandering nut-lord is one of the prereqs for thunder godhood in any pantheon)
Chango is super into Oya
because obviously
so they instantly start banging up a storm
LITERALLY
HA HA HA

Chango is super happy about this of course
so he celebrates in the natural way:
by getting hammered at a party and dancing his ass off
(is it just me
or are all the Yoruba gods just constantly hammered?
I feel like the Greek gods maybe did a smart thing
by concentrating all the alcoholism on a single member of the pantheon
but if so
that is the ONLY SMART THING THE GREEK GODS DID)
anyway, Chango is drunk-dancing
“swaying his hips and showing all of his sexual masculinity”
and wearing a crown the whole time
to make sure no one forgets that he’s king.

So … the thing about being a dick-swinging thunder god
is that it tends to make you enemies
and the thing about getting drunk at a random party
is that then your enemies show up and kidnap you
and no amount of sexual masculinity can save you from your fate
so some bad guys throw a bag over Chango’s head and tie him up
and he’s like “noooooooo
I only got to do like half as much hip-swinging as I wanted to.”

So meanwhile Oya’s chilling at her place
waiting for Chango to show up so they can fuck
and he left all his stuff at her place
(they are not being very discreet about this affair)
so she gets bored
and goes and checks out Chango’s mortar.
I’m not talking about a mortar as in a piece of heavy artillery
I’m talking about a large heavy bowl
generally filled with meal to be ground
but in this case full of SECRETS

Oya looks in the mortar
and there’s this liquid in it
and reflected in the liquid she sees Chango tied up
and she’s like “bro if you wanted to do that you shoulda just come over”
and he’s like “actually I’m trapped you should help me out.”
and she’s like “ok”
but then she tries to make out with him
and instead gets a mouth full of that mysterious liquid

GUESS WHAT
IT’S GASOLINE
and Oya is the god of lightning
so she’s basically a giant electric ignition system
so every time she opens her mouth now
FIRE SHOOTS OUT
so she’s like “OKAY”
(setting her house on fire in the process)
“TIME TO MAKE THE PAIN RAIN.”

so she calls down some lightning
and she rides that lightning to where Chango is at
and all of a sudden the kidnappers see this chick come plummeting out of the sky
throwing lightning bolts and breathing fucking fire
and she sets Chango free
so he starts chucking thunder
it is awesome
for everyone except for the people who are exploded/on fire/electrocuted

And to this day
whenever Chango goes into battle
he’s always like “Hey Oya
could you go out there and warm up the crowd for me
and by warm up the crowd I mean burn them to a fucking crisp?”
and Oya is like “Shit yeah
let me just put on pants and grow a beard for effect.”
Obviously their relationship is way more stable than Zeus and Hera’s

So the moral of the story
is that the family that slays together
stays together.

The end.