I am not Spartacus

Yes there is one volume left in the Satyricon
but it’s fucking storming outside
and i don’t want lightning to interrupt my video
also I haven’t written one of these for a while
and I’m getting nostalgic for hitting enter a lot
some artisan lightningmaster with an email account got ahold of me
and told me about this dude named Spartacus
and Spartacus is the type of dude who is SO INFINITELY RAD
that as soon as you hear about him
you have to drop everything and start writing a fucking myth

okay so Spartacus
he is so rad that he almost makes slavery worth it
but close only counts in horseshoes
and slavery is still really fucking terrible.
This is an opinion that Spartacus and I share!
which is why one day
after he’s been sold to a guy who just makes his slaves fight to the death
he gets a bunch of other slaves together and he’s like
hey guys:
fuck this.”
and they’re all like “yeah ok”
and they steal a bunch of knives and bust out.

also part of the bust-out-of-prison party is Spartacus’s wife
nobody knows her name because history hates women
but we do know that she was hella schizophrenic
to the point where one day Spartacus wakes up with a snake around his head
and he’s like “AHH SHIT SNAKE ON MY HEAD”
which, first of all, duh
second of all
but i guess love is a mystery

So spartacus and about 70 other dudes are roaming the countryside
using their shitty weapons to rob caravans and get better weapons
and they finally end up taking refuge on the lush slopes of Mt. Vesuvius
because yup
Spartacus is so metal that his idea of refuge is to camp on an ACTIVE FUCKING VOLCANO

Everyone is pretty impressed with how metal Spartacus is
so dudes (especially slave dudes) start flocking to their suicidally stupid camp
until there is a pretty big army there
and Rome is like “Oh fuck we better stop this”
except the thing about Rome
is that it is fighting wars basically EVERYWHERE at ALL TIMES
and so does not have a lot of resources to devote to fighting spunky slaves on a volcano
so they just send a couple dudes out to recruit any random dudes they can find
to go stand around the bottom of Vesuvius and starve Spartacus out

but dudes like Spartacus do not die of starvation
they mostly die of rocking too hard
or Fatal Red Meat Overdose
or jumping out of a helicopter to punch a pterodactyl and then riding its corpse into a volcano
so he’s not about to let the Romans starve him before he finds a helicopter and a pterodactyl
fuck no
instead he and his men grab a bunch of vines
make them into ropes
rappel down the steepest part of the mountain
and circle around behind the roman militia
effectively tarzanning their way up the romans’ asses.
So that goes pretty well for Spartacus
and everybody in a nine mile radius decides to join his army
basically as an excuse to stand next to him and hope some of his chest hair rubs off on them

Next time, the Romans decide to try a little harder
and actually manage to kill one of Spartacus’s commanders
and trap him in a valley between two pretty big armies
but they didn’t count on the fact that Spartacus is a fucking wizard
who can apparently produce horses out of nowhere
so he just straight tramples the army in front of him
steals all their stuff
and throws it at the other army, killing EVERYONE
and then he’s at the alps, ready to cross into Thrace and escape Rome for good!

But Spartacus is like “Fuck that
mountains are steep, and murder is awesome
let’s go back and murder more dudes until we get murdered instead”
actually nobody knows what he said at this point
because turning around and going back into the country that wants you dead
is a pretty inexplicable move
but i promise you this, at least:
it was not anything smart

so now Rome is really shitting itself
Spartacus has like 40,000 dudes
and he does not seem to be a reasonable man
so they swallow their pride and their morals
and they bust out Marcus Licinius Crassus

Crassus is what historians like to call a “completely shitty person”
He’s a rich nobleman
whose wealth is based on buying houses in neighborhoods that are on fire
as in he goes up to dudes who are fleeing their burning houses
and is like “Hey i’ll give you twenty bucks for that house”
and then he uses that money to hire armies wherever he goes
(which is sort of why Rome wants him
their armies all being tied up with their million other wars)
but the dudes he hires have no idea wtf they’re getting into
because Crassus is a fan of a disciplinary technique known as decimation
which is basically like a big game of duck duck goose
but with a club

Crassus fucking loves slavery
so he is dead set on making Spartacus dead
he chases Spartacus around for months
until finally Spartacus is just like fuck this
might as well die with my dick out

so he turns to face Crassus
gets off his horse
and fucking kills it
he’s like “If I win, I will get a ton more horses
if I lose, then that’s one less horse for everyone else
because fuck everyone else
let’s do murders.”
(Spartacus may or may not have been history’s greatest orator)

Predictably, Spartacus loses and dies
although nobody knows how exactly
because he was wearing pretty much the same armor as everyone else
so probably he was either dumped in a big pit with the rest of his idiots
or else crucified on a big wooden plus sign with the rest of his idiots
either way
on the metal scale
at least a 6/10

so the moral of the story
is that if you’re leading a slave uprising
and you find yourself near an active volcano
don’t give up that prime position
if you go anywhere else
your death can only get less rad

the end

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