Imerasuguk is a Hungry Man

Today’s myth comes from here
and i only know about it thanks to manual labor powerhouse Megamax Hardwork
who mailed me the course reader from her Scandanavian 170 class
yeah guys
if you mail me books I will read them
get on that

So Imerasuguk is a dude who goes through wives like toilet paper
this is because he always kills and eats them
them and their children
yeah guys
Imerasuguk is basically a cannibalistic Bluebeard
living in a trackless winterhell in the middle of a giant, ironically named island
(seriously “Greenland?”
sometimes I feel bad when I’m playing Civilization
and I name one of my new cities something like “Pooptropolis” or “Weiner”
but then I remember how some real-ass jerks named the capital of snow and pain “Greenland”
and my self-doubt just melts away)

so let me explain how Imerasuguk handles his wives:
first of all he is trying to fatten them up ASAP
and his strategy for doing this
is to not allow them to drink water
which is not a good strategy I don’t think
unless he’s also making them drink lard or something
but the text does not mention any lard so I dunno
anyway then he goes out hunting all day
and if he doesn’t catch any meat
he comes home and catches his WIFE
and not in the sexy way
and then he goes back into town like
“Now I have again lost my wife”
and dudes straight GIVE HIM MORE WIVES
they are handing this ballsy cannibal their woman HAND OVER FIST
and he is then eating their hands and their fists

so one day Imerasuguk gets a new wife named Misana
and Misana is like a bonus catch because she comes with her little brother
so pretty soon Imerasuguk kills her brother and eats him
and he gives her some of the meat
which she wisely doesn’t eat
because she is too full from all the lard she’s been drinking
and then Imerasuguk leaves to go be shitty at hunting again
and Misana is like shiiiit
that’s where all his wives have been going

so she comes up with a plan
what she does is she takes a bunch of straw and fat
and wraps it in her anorak
which i thought was some kind of sweater
but I guess is some kind of sentient sweater-beast
because before she goes and hides in a hole
she tells it to scream when stabbed
and it’s like “sure no problem I’m a sweater”

then papa mcCannibal comes home
and he stabs that anorak all over
and the anorak is like “AAIIEEE OH GOD I’M A SWEATER”
and Imerasuguk is like HEY
THAT’S NOT WHAT MY WIFE WOULD SAY
YOU’RE NOT MY WIFE
YOU’RE A SWEATER
and the sweater is like yeah duh dude I already said that

so Misana is hiding in the walls
and Imerasuguk is stabbing the walls like in a horror movie or the Matrix
but he doesn’t find her so he’s like “Fuck this” and goes out looking for her
at which point she does what she should have done a while ago:
she fucking RUNS

so she’s running
and her husband hears her and starts chasing her
but Misana has a distinct advantage in this chase
which is that she is magical as fuck
so she sees a tree
and she’s like hey I’m down with trees
I think I’ll turn into a tree
and BAM
CHICK’S GOT MORE WOOD THAN A LUMBERJACK AT A CHIPPENDALE’S

after a while Imerasuguk comes up to the tree
and he tries stabbing it
and it hurts a little
but you don’t stab trees, guys
that’s just not what you do
so he goes back to his house to get an axe

and what does Misana do?
does she pull some weak-ass Daphne shit and stay a tree forever?
NO DOG
SHE TURNS HER ASS BACK INTO AN ASS AND STARTS RUNNING THAT ASS OFF
and Imerasuguk starts chasing her again
and right as he’s about to catch her she sees some seaweed
and she’s like hey
I’m down with seaweed
and BAM
CHICK IS ALL UP IN DEM WEEDS

so Imerasuguk can’t find her obviously
because he is looking for a chick and not some dumb weeds
so he goes home again
and Misana turns her ass BACK INTO AN ASS
AND STARTS RUNNING IT OFF
LIKE SHE’S ON A GOD DAMN PHOTOCOPIER AND SHE JUST GOT FIRED
but oh shit
looks like Imerasuguk is bout to catch up AGAIN
so she throws herself into a pit full of ravens and foxes
carefully maintained by one of her brothers for some stupid reason
and her plummeting body kills all the ravens and foxes
and her brothers come over like who the fuck ruined all my foxes and ravens
and Misana is like DUDES IT’S ME
MY HUSBAND IS TRYING TO EAT ME

so they hide her in their house
and Imerasuguk rolls in
all like
“Now I have again lost my wife”
and they’re like “Whatever dude, come join our drum circle
and by drum circle we mean ACCUSATION OF MURDER/CANNIBALISM”
and Misana jumps out of her hiding place like “I’M THE STAR WITNESS”
and Imerasuguk is like “YOU’RE AN ACCESSORY TO MUDRDER
YOU TOTALLY ATE YOUR BRO”
and she’s like “OBJECTION: NO I DIDN’T”
and then everyone’s like “ENOUGH COURTROOM DRAMA
LET’S WHIP IMERASUGUK UNTIL HE DIES”
and that’s pretty much what happens.

So the moral of the story
is I guess more of a diet tip
which is
never eat any animal that can shapeshift into plants
because then you might accidentally end up a vegetarian
and nobody wants that

THE END.

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2 thoughts on “Imerasuguk is a Hungry Man

  1. I wonder if all fantasy has to be so disgusting (like drinking lard, cannibalism, and stuff). Of course, who am I to speak, who loves Greek mythology, full of such incidents? (Hmmm, something to ponder on…)

  2. Pingback: Musatak Chills With Bears | Myths RETOLD

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