Eshu Elegba is a Big Ol’ Jerk Clown

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I’m okay guys don’t freak out
jeeze
everybody is being so nice to me I feel like I must be terminally ill or something
grad school may be a lot of work
but it gives me access to JSTOR
which is the source of today’s myth
(also, the jesus video will go up tomorrow when I hijack a computer at school
man what would I do without school?
have a lot more money probably)
Oh! Also!
Check out this guy. He’s doing what I’m doing but exclusively with Chinese myths
and he speaks Chinese so he is getting at the primary sources and stuff!
There’s a really hilarious one up right now about vomiting
you should take a look

Okay so there’s this dude Eshu right?
He’s one of the main gods in the Yoruba pantheon
and also a pretty cool dude
basically he is what Hermes would be like
if he was pretty much allowed to run his whole pantheon
he is associated mainly with roads, trickery, pipe-smoking and dongs
the last two may be interrelated
hell, the last three
you know what, fuck it
everything is related to dongs
MOVING ON

this should give you an idea of the kind of bullshit Eshu pulls:

so there are these two farmers
they are best buds and they live across the street from each other
so one day they’re sitting out on their respective porches
enjoying the sunshine and each others’ companionship
when Eshu Elegba walks by real fast
and the farmer on the north side of the road is like dude did you see that guy?
the one with the red hat?
where the hell was he running?
and the farmer on the south side of the street is like uh dude
i saw a guy
but he was wearing a BLUE AND WHITE hat
i think maybe you’ve had too much to drink
and the first farmer is like no no no guess again shiteyes
that guy’s hat was clearly red
and the second farmer is like YOU are the one with shit for eyes
and the first farmer is like I’LL SHIT ON YOUR EYES
and just then Eshu Elegba walks past in the other direction
and the first farmer is like holy balls you’re right
the dude’s hat IS blue and white
and the second guy is like What are you talking about
YOU are the one who is right
that guy’s hat is CLEARLY red
and the first farmer is like YOU KNOW WHAT’S RED?
MY FIST
AFTER I USE IT TO EXTRACT YOUR STILL BEATING HEART FROM YOUR CHEST
THAT HAT WAS BLUE AND WHITE YOU SNIVEROUS TWANK
and the other guy is like IT WAS RED, YOU SHANDY-PANCAKE
and the first guy is like WHAT THE FUCK IS A SHANDY PANCAKE?
and the second guy is like DON’T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS TO CUT YOUR FACE OFF WITH IT
and then the neighbors show up like whoa guys
enough is enough
we’re gonna take you guys to the king and let him sort it out
and they go all the way to the king
and they get into the throne room
and then Eshu shows up like POOF KLAZAM DICKHEADS
and they see his hat from the front
because i guess they never tried to look at him
while he was RUNNING TOWARDS OR AWAY FROM THEM
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
IT’S HALF RED AND HALF WHITE/BLUE
IT IS THE ULTIMATE AMERICAN PARTY FEDORA
and Elegba is like guess what guys
YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D
this is what happens when you start a new official friendship
and fail to make a sacrifice to me in the process
BECAUSE I’M ELEGBA
APPROVER OF FRIENDSHIPS
naw jk guys I just kinda wanted to see a fight
and then he runs off and everyone is like what the hell was the point of that?

so the moral of the story
is make sure to eat your carrots
because depth perception might just save your friendship

THE END.

Here’s the deal, internet: Fuck you

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Every time i try to open Youtube in any browser my browser crashes.
I will have to wait until tomorrow to upload the video
once I find someplace where the internet is not constantly being shat into by evil gnomes
I am so tired i feel like hypnos is huffing my cerebellum
I have to work a twelve hour shift that combines plumbing and foodservice in the morning
I feel like i may be in graduate school but it’s hard to tell under all this furious dripping hatred
but other than that things are pretty good
I found a quarter today
and i got to eat a lot of free pizza
whenever i see a homeless man on the street now
I think “there but for the grace of free pizza go I”
I need to go away from the computer now before my eyes come out

Thank you for your patience
Love,
Ovid

Since When Do Animals Have Any Business Building Houses

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Stop me if you’ve heard this one

so there’s these pigs right
three of them
some people say that these pigs were particularly small
i say fuck that
i prefer to imagine some colossal fucking boars
as long as I have to listen to a story about more animals being idiots

so these pigs come into some money
don’t ask me how
I don’t know what kind of crazy fairytale entrepreneur is going around hiring pigs
especially since
as you will see
these pigs are none too bright
or at least two of them are none too bright and one is a GODDAMN SOCIOPATH
anyway the point is these pigs have some capital

so being ambitious young swine
these three pigs decide they are going to invest this money in real estate
so they each purchase an empty lot and set to work building a house on it
this is where shit starts to go sour

see the first pig is trying to decide what to build his house out of
and he’s like hm
what’s a thing that I already have a lot of
and is terrible for building houses
OH I KNOW
STRAW
so he just loads up on bales of hay
and uses the massive savings
to build himself a goddamn precarious mansion of distilled yellow stupid

CUT TO THE SECOND PIG
he’s like man look at that dumb pig building his house out of straw
I’m way more legit than he
what should I use as a building material to reflect my legititude
bubble wrap?
pencil shavings?
old hair?
no no no
TWIGS
OF COURSE
NOTHING IS MORE LEGIT THAN TWIGS
SCIENCE HAS SHOWN THIS

so let’s leave dumbshit number two to build his brittle lincoln log catastrophe
and see how the third pig is doing
so this pig is a pretty weird pig
seeing as he is a pig who knows masonry
and also seeing as he proceeds to build a goddamn brick fortress
without so much as providing a critique of the other two pigs’ housing decisions
he just builds his house and sits down in his creepy brick basement pig porn dungeon
and waits for is friends to fail

AND FAIL THEY DO
See there’s a wolf in the neighborhood
and the wolf is momentarily discouraged to find pigs living inside houses
but then he sees how stupid the houses are and he’s like oh ok sure
so what he does is he just rolls up to the first pig’s straw mansion
and he’s like YO
MOTHERFUCKIN’ PIGS BETTER OPEN UP THE HATCH
and the pig’s like
NOT BY THE STRANDS OF MY SWEET SOUL PATCH
and the wolf is like okay well
I went to art school for music so I have great breath control
how about i use it to blow your house away
and the pig is like A SLIGHT BREEZE
HOW DID YOU KNOW MY ONLY WEAKNESS
OTHER THAN FIRE, GRAVITY, AND MY ALMOST CRIPPLING STUPIDITY
actually he doesn’t finish saying that because the wolf eats him

but the wolf is still hungry so he goes to the next house
all like YO YO
HUGE-ASS BOAR BETTER OPEN UP THE DOOR
and the pig is like
NOT BY MY BEARD, WHICH CAN SWEEP ON THE FLOOR
and the wolf is like fine
that whole blowing on the house thing already worked once
and i always say don’t mess with success
so he just proceeds to literally blow that house to smithereens
whatever smithereens are
i’m sure he blows them
and then he eats the second pig

so then there’s the third pig
he’s got surveillance cameras trained on that wolf
and he’s watching the footage
from his lead-shielded command center inside the second story closet
and the wolf shows up like YO
OPEN UP LITTLE PIG, DON’T YOU DARE BE AFEARD
and the pig gets on the PA like
NOT BY THE STENCH OF MY PEDOPHILE BEARD
and the wolf is like well fuck
HOW ABOUT I USE BLOWING
and he does
why would he even try
it’s made of bricks
i feel like if he has mastered rhyming threats he should also know about bricks
i mean one would assume
but anyway he makes a fool of himself
and then he decides to try something else
which is he decides to climb in through the chimney
but see the wolf sucks at being stealthy
so the sociopath pig already knows what he’s doing
and he just calmly goes into his living room
and sets a big cooking pot in the fireplace
so when the wolf jumps down the chimney
like a big hairy santa claus of murder
he lands in the pot and immediately boils to death
it is really terrible and the pig probably gets off on it
and then he gets to enjoy some delicious soup with his OH WAIT HIS FRIENDS ARE DEAD

so the moral of the story
is people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones
and people who live in straw houses shouldn’t taunt wolves
but people who live in brick houses can do whatever the fuck they want

THE END.

Being a Cow Is Not The Best Attack Strategy

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Okay I got bored of Greek myths so here’s a short one from India

alright so Krishna right?

He’s got some enemies
obviously
it’s hard not to have enemies when you’re a one man fiasco engine
running around cockslapping demons like it’s a drive-by orgy
but that doesn’t explain why Krishna has already started accumulating enemies
AT ZERO YEARS OLD
that’s right
this dude has not even learned not to shit himself at random
and he is already stocking up on nemeses
and what’s more
the particular nemesis in question right now
is his EVIL UNCLE KAMSA
i’ve heard some pretty good excuses for disowning family members
but having an Evil Uncle Kamsa pretty much tops the list

so what Kamsa does
is he pays this demoness named Putana
seriously
she’s named Putana
which means the people who wrote this myth either didn’t know any spanish
or totally did and thought it was hilarious
but anyway Kamsa pays this bitch to kill Krishna in his crib
so what Putana does is she dresses up like a cowherd lady
or maybe just a cow
i’m not entirely sure
but either way she just rolls into Krishna’s room and starts breastfeeding him
like HEY KID WANNA MOUTH MY TITS?
but see as you probably guessed
demon milk is WAYYYY POISONOUS
so baby Krishna is about to get a mouth full of boobs and arsenic
not a bad way to go honestly

but Krishna is having none of it
he figures out right away that there’s something wrong with these gazongas
so what does he do?
he proceeds to suck on them SO HARD HE EXTRACTS PUTANA’S SOUL THROUGH HER NIPPLES
YEAH
PRETTY SEXY
PRETTY WEIRD
and then she dies and then the poison doesn’t even have any effect
and Krishna just goes ahead and embarks on a career of wanton asskicking
and everyone is pretty grossed out by the whole thing

so the moral of the story
is the way to a woman’s soul is through her nipples
i always suspected this but now I know for sure

THE END.

The Norse Are Not The Only Dudes Who Have Problems With Giants

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Alright so you may have already figured this out
but i did not start doing a video myth of the life of Christ yesterday
even though i totally said I was gonna
because you know what?
GRAD SCHOOL
but i’ll be doing it in the next few days
don’t you worry your pretty little heads
or if your heads are huge and grotesque
you still shouldn’t worry
even though I am a little worried every time I see or think about you

OKAY SO ONE TIME ZEUS FUCKED OVER SOME TITANS

this was back when he was basically just fucking over everyone in a straight line
on a one-man mission to leave no throne un-usurped and no ballsack un-severed
(speaking of which have you guys read The Name of The Wind?
yeah
it’s basically that)
but yeah apparently imprisoning an entire race of giant dudes
is a very efficient way to piss off their massive horde of unruly bros
so all these giants
who are like the giants we all know and love
except with SNAKES FOR LEGS
not an individual snake tail like the Serpent King or any of that weak shit
these guys have ONE SNAKE PER LEG
that actually seems structurally unstable
but guys
sometimes you have to be structurally unstable in order to be TOTALLY AWESOME
TAKE THAT ARCHITECTS
woo tangent

okay so these giants are pissed off
and the way they decide to express their pissed-offitude
is by climbing up on a bunch of mountains
and repeatedly hurling rocks at mount olympus
until it looks like one of those trolls from the neverending story
the ones that eat rocks or whatever
but yeah no one on mt. olympus can get ANYTHING DONE and it’s really pissing them off
and to make matters worse
Hera has to go and make a totally emo prophecy like hey guys
there’s no way we can kill these giants
except with the help of a lion-skinned mortal
and even then it will only work
if we keep the giants from finding this immortality weed
that we allowed to grow on earth for some reason
I guess this is what happens when you kill all the people who created the world
and then take over in their place
there is no transition meeting
no one tells you these things
but yeah

so the gods put their heads together
and they figure out that the lion-skinned dude Hera is talking about
is actually Hercules
because of how he walks around all the time wearing a lion skin cape
so they send some dudes to go get his help
and meanwhile Zeus comes up with a great plan to find the immortality herb
which is he has Phoebus and Selene turn off all the lights
and then he just goes groping around on earth in the dark to find that shit
guided by Athena because I guess she knows this kind of shit
honestly I think zeus just turned the lights out
because he wanted the excuse to go around on earth groping people in the dark
but anyway he totally finds the herb and brings it up to mt. Olympus
where it is of no use to anyone
PERFECT

meanwhile the gods manage to get Hercules in on this
and then they’re like HEY GIANTS
IT’S TIME TO D-D-D-D-DDUEL
and then everyone starts killing each other
or at least trying
because the first thing that happens is hercules shoots some giant in the head
and he falls down
but then he gets right back up
because apparently he can’t be killed when he has home court advantage
so Athena is like HERCULES
QUICK
DRAG HIM TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
so hercules does
and then he beats him to death with a club
it’s that easy

but while Hercules is out of the country
this one giant named Porphyrion gets it into his head to charge the gods
and Athena is the only person who gets her balls up enough to mount a defense
but Porphyrion is not interested in Athena
he’s only interested in MOLESTING THE EVERLOVING CRAP OUT OF HERA
and zeus sees this and is like AW HELL NO
I AM CHOOSING THIS AS A CONVENIENT TIME TO START CARING ABOUT MY WIFE
and he just zaps that fucker with a lightning bolt
and then Hercules comes back for the murder assist

the rest of the battle is pretty boring
basically how it goes is the gods keep wounding the giants
and then Hercules has to come over and do the coup de grace
like a long chain of the most BRUTAL ALLEY-OOPS
it gets kind of monotonous once everybody figures it out
and nothing interesting happens
except that Bacchus starts beating giants to death with his Thyrsus
which is literally just a big stalk of fennel tied up with ivy
and topped with a fucking pinecone
he is beating giants to death with this thing
I tell you
they don’t make booze like they used to

anyway eventually the giants get fed up with dying so much and they run away
but not before Athena throws a big rock the size of an island at one of them
and simultaneously kills the giant and invents Sicily
and basically the gods just run after the giants
making sure they stab or bludgeon or fry every single one of those dudes in the back
also,
Silenus
who you may remember as Dionysis’s alcoholic stepdad/tutor
totally claims he was at the battle
but in reality he just ate some mushrooms he found
and spent several hours yelling epithets at a tree

so the moral of the story
is if you are going to imprison a really big group of people
make sure you also kill all their relatives

THE END.

Erigone has a funny way of instituting justice

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Hey guys I SAID larges and extra larges are back in stock
DID YOU NOT HEAR ME

anyway here’s a short myth that I think we can all relate to

so once upon a time there is this dude named Oeneus
but this story isn’t about him
because despite the fact that Dionysis totally goes out of his way
to provide this dude with THE FIRST GRAPE VINE
Oeneus just proceeds to sit right down
and fail to produce ANY BOOZE WHATSOEVER
so the burden of this epic discovery falls to this other dude
his name is Icarius
not Icarus
that’s a different dude

but yeah Icarius totally invents him some wine
and he’s like oh man I have all this booze
and NO FRIENDS TO SHARE IT WITH
but hey
I hear shepherds like getting fucked up
HEY SHEPHERDS
and the Shepherds are like YEAH?
and Icarius is like HERE DRINK THIS STUFF I MADE
and the shepherds are like FUCK YEAH FREE DRINKS

but guys
it turns out no one has ever gotten drunk before
and these shepherds get so balls-over-beard plastered
that they are like OH FUCK I THINK WE GOT BEWITCHED
BETTER KILL THE DUDE WHO GAVE US FREE DRINKS
so they do
then they sober up and they’re like oh right
murder
that’s a crime or something
TIME TO MAKE LIKE SHEPHERDS AND HERD OUR SHEEP THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

so they bury Icarius under a pine tree
but unfortunately for them Icarius’s dog has been watching THE WHOLE TIME
but he doesn’t maul them or anything
no
that would be too simple
instead he goes and leads Icarius’s daughter Eragon to the body
and then digs up the corpse
presumably to freak her shit out
or because he thinks dead bodies are cool
dogs are weird
but anyway Eragon’s immediate rational response is to hang herself from the tree
and also pray to the gods
that random Athenian chicks continue to get hung from this tree all the time
until someone avenges Icarius’s death
and the gods are like sure ok

here’s the problem
no one other than the gods heard that shit
and the gods are really terrible at PR
so basically what happens
is chicks just keep showing up hanging from this pine tree
and no one has any clue why
it’s a spooky murder mystery
except the culprit is incompetence
but finally the Oracle at Delphi gets off her ass and is like hey
maybe someone should avenge Icarius?
what are you staring at guys
sometimes I can totally be straightforward and helpful sometimes
just not very often

so basically they track down the shepherds and hang them
and then people stop getting hanged for no reason
and in fact they all have this huge annual wine party from then on
where girls get shitfaced and swing from trees
happily reliving the memory of how a bunch of girls got murdered one time
and it’s great as long as you don’t think about it too much

so the moral of the story
is don’t give booze to shepherds
it’s like giving a mouse a cookie
except the mouse will fucking stab you

THE END

Poseidon is a Prankster of Dubious Hilarity

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(Larges and Extra Larges are back in stock
also I will be starting a video myth on monday
OF THE BOOK OF MATTHEW)

I think it says something about ancient greece

that they have one god of sleep
and THREE GODS OF WAR
There’s Eris
the goddess of fucking everything up all the time
Ares
the god of ceaseless stabbing
and Athena
the goddess of hey guys maybe we should stop stabbing for a second and make a plan
maybe it would help us not get stabbed?

today we are going to focus on Athena
of all the unreasonable assholes packed sardine style onto the tip of mount olympus
Athena is both the least unreasonable
and the least asshole
FACT
lemme prove it to you:
despite the fact that she is a goddess of war
Athena doesn’t own any fucking weapons
that would be like being a god of cookery
and not owning any fancy chef hats
PS have you guys seen God of Cookery
it has this scene
where a woman is rolling back and forth pounding a giant steak with her fists
it is worth a look let me tell you

ANYWAY
usually when Athena needs some weapons
she just hits up Zeus and borrows his
Zeus is more of a lover than a fighter anyway
but ONE TIME
during the Trojan War
when Zeus has made it SUPER CLEAR that he is MEGA NEUTRAL
Athena just doesn’t feel right about borrowing his weapons
so she decides to finally get her ass in gear and buy some of her own

to that end
she goes over to Hephaestus’s place and she’s like hey dude
how much for some sweet weapons and armor?
and Hephaestus is like ZERO DOLLARS
I WILL DO IT…
FOR LOVE
and Athena just completely misses the innuendo boat on that one
also the throbbing cripple boner in Hephaestus’s toga
and just says OK SOUNDS GREAT SEE YOU IN A COUPLE HOURS
and Hephaestus gets to work on that armor

so a few ours later Athena comes back
and Hephaestus is like HERE’S YOUR ARMOR
ALSO MY PENIS
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF AIMING IT SQUARELY AT YOUR VAGINA
TRUST ME I’M AN ENGINEER I KNOW ALL ABOUT THESE THINGS
LEVERAGE AND STUFF
and Athena is like EWW SO UNSEXY
and she pushes his penis away
but see what she doesn’t realize
is that pushing on penises tends to get them pretty excited
so she ends up with a big wad of jizz all over her thigh
guys i’m not making this up
this was part of someone’s religion
anyway Athena is super grossed out so she wipes the jizz off her thigh with some wool
and then chucks it to the ground
where it remains so potent that it IMPREGNATES MOTHER EARTH
we’ll get to that in a second

so Athena is like HEPHAESTUS EW WHAT THE FUCK
and Hephaestus is like what?
Poseidon totally told me about how you were on your way over here
hoping someone would have some nonconsensual sex with you
i guess he was trying to prank me
or you
or mother earth
i’m pretty sure he was just chucking a prank grenade into the pantheon
and then laughing hysterically at whoever got dismembered
anyway he told me that and i believed him
because frankly my wife Aphrodite and I haven’t been getting it on lately
pretty sure she’s banging Ares now and I’m so lonely and my leg really hurts and
Athena is like NO TIME FOR THAT
MOTHER EARTH IS YELLING AT ME
and Mother Earth is like Athena why did you throw a bunch of Jizz at me
now i’m pregnant
I resent that
and Athena is like what are you gonna do about it
and mother earth is like well i’m certainly not gonna raise this kid
and Athena is like FINE
I WILL
and then she does
and that kid has a son who builds a city that worships athena
and also invents monogamy and paternity
and replaces blood sacrifice with sissypants rice cake offerings
so basically no one wins

So the moral of the story
is that telling your friends to rape each other is not a prank
it is a disaster
I thought everyone knew this already

THE END.