Big Ajax is a Huge Crybaby

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I figure it’s time for a greek myth
I’ve been kind of far afield lately and it feels good to come back
plus some creepy stalker bought me like a dozen greek myth books
so i am trying to appease them
whoever they are

OKAY SO THE TROJAN WAR RIGHT
it happens
some dudes kill some other dudes
they flex their muscles and run around a lot
it’s pretty okay
if that’s your thing I guess

BUT TODAY WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE TROJAN WAR
today we are talking about the aftermath of the trojan war
see because after that shit gets done
or at least after Achilles dies
everyone is faced with a very important question:
who the fuck gets to keep Achilles’ armor?
There are two main dudes who lay claim to that shit
there is Big Ajax
who is this guy
who is I guess really big?
and there is Odysseus
the lyin’ cheatin’ adulterin’ motherfucker
who in a few short weeks will go on to wheel a horse full of murder into troy
GUESS WHO WINS
I WILL GIVE YOU A HINT:
HIS NAME IS ODYSSEUS

but it’s not even odysseus’s fault that he wins
see everybody is kind of stumped about how to decide this shit
some people suggest having a secret vote
and some people suggest a murdering contest
and some people suggest just fucking giving Odysseus the armor
because fuck it he’s just gonna take it anyway
but none of those are what actually happen
because this professional wise dude named Nestor has a BETTER IDEA
he’s like hey guys
how about instead of relying on our better judgement
we rely on the better judgement of our ENEMIES
just send someone to listen at the walls outside troy
and hear who the Trojans think should get the armor
and everyone is like uh well okay sure

so someone goes and does that
and they basically overhear some Trojan chicks going OMIGAWD ODYSSEUS IS SO HOT
FUCK AJAX
BUT ACTUALLY
FUCK ODYSSEUS
BUT LIKE IN THE SEXY WAY
OH GOD WE ARE SO CONFUSED IT MUST BE BECAUSE WE WANT TO BONE ODYSSEUS
and the spy goes back to the greeks and he’s like uh
problem solved?

except no
problem NOT solved
because it turns out that Ajax is a TERRIBLE SPORT
see as soon as he finds out about this shit
he goes completely bonkers
and as soon as the sun goes down he just starts running around
chaining sheep together and stabbing the shit out of them
i think he has become convinced that they are Odysseus or something
but anyway he finally gets a little bit of a hold on himself
enough to realize that he is mainly murdering sheep
and that he should probably get the fuck out of here before someone finds out
so he finds his bro Teucer and he’s like hey bro
gonna go kill myself now
that cool?
And Teucer is like what did you say?
oh, uh
sure bro
sure

so Ajax goes and finds a nice picturesque suicide spot
and starts trying to stab himself
but that sword wants NOTHING TO DO WITH STABBING AJAX
it’s like wait a second dude
i know what’s going on here
i’m gonna stab you
and then you’re gonna be like WHAT THE FUCK SWORD
HOW DARE YOU STAB BIG AJAX
and then you’re gonna turn me into a sword pretzel
swords do not make very good pretzels ajax they aren’t even edible
but so instead of murdering Ajax
the sword just turns into a limp-ass noodle
thus further embarassing Ajax
until he figures out that he can still kill himself
by just stuffing the sword into his armpit
real fuckin’ dignified

so then next morning some of Ajax’s other relatives are like hey Teucer
Ajax looked pretty pissed last night
maybe we should confine him to his tent so he doesn’t do anything crazy
like kill a bunch of sheep
or maybe himself
and Teucer is like way ahead of you buddy
he totally already did those things so there’s nothing to worry about
and everyone is like what the fuck Teucer
why you gotta be so useless

and meanwhile, Menelaus is totally refusing to let anyone bury Ajax
because he’s a huge dick apparently
or maybe because he doesn’t want to expend the effort and dirt necessary
to bury Ajax’s huge dick
but either way Odysseus pulls some strings and gets Ajax buried
even if it is in a coffin that says I’M A PANSY WHO COMMITS SUICIDE BLUH BLUH BLUH
and then Odysseus donates Achilles’ armor to Achilles’ son
which they probably should have just done in the first place
side-stepping this fuckscapade entirely

EPILOGUE:
Achilles’s son totally loses the armor in a shipwreck
Teucer comes home and then gets exiled for totally failing to stand up for his bro
IN ANY WAY
and Odysseus goes to Hell and meets Ajax and Ajax is like I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU

so the moral of the story
is always leave a last will and testament
you don’t want a bunch of sweaty muscle dudes murdering all the sheep
just because you forgot to bequeath your fucking bathrobe or something

the end.

Rustum and Sohrab Have Some Family Problems

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Okay so we were talking about Iran

that’s good because apparently a lot of crazy shit goes down in Iran
or at least it used to
back in the good old days where lots of crazy shit went down basically everywhere
but anyway yeah this particular crazy shit takes place in Iran

so there’s this guy in this war
the guy’s name is Sohrab
and the war doesn’t have a name
because at this point in history everything is wars
so Sohrab has a serious case of insomnia
and right around dawn he ends up waking up the commander of his army
(the army of the Tartars, by the way)
and being like Peran-Wisa
this war is great and all
but I am really more interested in locating my absentee father
his name is Rustum and he is a super famous sword dude
could you maybe consider cancelling the war tomorrow
and just challenging the Persians
(those are the dudes they are fighting)
to some single combats with me?
the way I look at it it’s a win-win
see either I win and I get famous and then Rustum hears about how great his son is
OR
I lose and I die
oh wait that actually sounds more like a win-lose
whatever same difference
and Peran-Wisa is like you know this is a really dumb plan right?
you could probably do something less dumb
like put up posters or post on missed connections or something
but oh well I guess I wanted a vacation from this war anyway
sure
go nuts

so a couple hours later
when everybody is all awake and prepared for war
Peran Wisa steps out in front of his army and he’s like yo guys
no war today
war is cancelled
instead we are going to watch Sohrab do something suicidally reckless
HEY PERSIANS
DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANYONE FOR SOHRAB TO BE SUICIDALLY RECKLESS AT
and the Persians
who are just now getting ready to stab their daily quota of Tartans
are like oh titbiscuits
if we say no we’re gonna look like total pussies
but if we say yes then Sohrab is gonna spearfuck a bloody ravine through our champion
OH WAIT
LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT THE GREATEST WARRIOR IN THE WORLD ON OUR SIDE
HIS NAME IS RUSTUM AND HE JUST SECRETLY ARRIVED YESTERDAY
HOW COULD WE HAVE FORGOTTEN

so the Persians send a dude to go wake up Rustum
who is just jerkin’ off with his tent
eating gourmet meets and manhandling a falcon
this is what happens when you become a famous war guy
so yeah the messenger is like yo Rustum
there’s a dude out there who wants to fight a dude
do you wanna be that dude?
and Rustum is like no find a different dude
i’m busy jerkin’ it and manhandling this falcon
and the messenger is like oh i’m sorry
there must be a magician in this camp
who saw that I was trying to hit up Rustum the immortal war champion
and bamboozled me into visiting the tent of Rustum the UNBELIEVABLE WUSSNEXUS
boy that magician sure did a number on us didn’t he buddy
well i’ll just be leaving now
and Rustum is like FINE
I’LL DO IT
BUT I’M GONNA DO IT IN DISGUISE
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
and the messenger is like sure dude
whatever tickles your taint

so Rustum puts on some super anonymous armor and he goes out to the battlefield
and Sohrab sees him
and he INSTANTLY recognizes him as Rustum the immortal war dude
and he runs up to him like OH SHIT RUSTUM IS THAT YOU?
and Rustum is like hmm
if I tell him it’s me
he’s probably gonna shit himself with fear and then try and get me to accept gifts
and then boast to all his friends
that only the immortal war dude Rustum had the balls to challenge him
and that he bought me off with gifts
FIGGITY FUCK THAT
so he’s like NO BITCH I AIN’T NO RUSTUM
YOU KNOW WHAT I AM?
THE DUDE WHO IS ABOUT TO STAB YOU IN THE CHEST
and then they proceed to kung fu fight
but with sharp metal objects instead of kung fu

so basically Rustum is super strong
he is so strong he wields a fucking TREE as a club
but Sohrab is super fast
and so he just ends up dodging everything Rustum can throw at him
and getting his sword up against Rustum’s throat and being like alright dude
i think we’ve both made our respective points
yours being that you suck and mine being that I am awesome and i kicked your ass
I don’t really want to fight you that bad though
how about instead we adjourn to my tent and get shitfaced
and Rustum is like BOY
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR PRANCY-FANCE SISSY-BOY DODGING
WHASSAMATTER TUMBLECUNT?
WORRIED YOU MIGHT BREAK A NAIL?
HOW ABOUT I BREAK YOUR FAAAAAAAAAACE
and Sohrab is like fuck well okay I guess
and then they fight again

but see this time the battle is so intense that even NATURE gets excited
the sky starts shitting thunderbolts
and the river starts having a siezure
and then Rustum’s horse starts screaming
not whinnying, mind you
SCREAMING
and then Rustum gets so pissed off he turns into a pokemon
and just starts yelling RUSTUMMMMMM
and Sohrab is like OH SHIT DID SOMEONE SAY RUSTUM?
HOW DID THEY KNOW THAT THAT IS THE MAGIC WORD THAT MAKES ME DROP MY WEAPONS?
so he does and then Rustum stabs him
and that’s the end of that super dramatic battle

So Sohrab is lying in the dirt
dying
and he’s like my only regret
is that I totally never got to see my dad who I love so much
his name is Rustum maybe you have heard of him
and Rustum is like BULLSHIT
RUSTUM DIDN’T HAVE NO SONS
and Sohrab is like dude
Rustum is a goddamn war SUPERSTAR
you think he didn’t get a little poontang on the side?
I assure you he did my friend
he got poontang on ALL THE SIDES
and I am the result of some of that poontang
although I guess it is possible my mom told Rustum I was a girl
because she was afraid Rustum would train me for wars?
here look I even have Rustum’s name tattooed on my arm
what more proof do you need
and so rustum sees that shit
and he’s like FUUUUUUUUCK
THIS IS SO PREDICTABLY IRONIC
NOW I GOTTA BURY MY SON AND MOURN AND SHIT
and his son is like oh yeah
also
make sure to be double famous to make up for the fact that I’m dead now
and Rustum is like FUUUUUCK
FINE
I mean I’ll try
but I’m already getting poontang on all the sides
it is hard to upgrade from that
and Sohrab is like well you gotta try man
maybe upgrade to 4 dimensional shapes or something
just
tryyyy…
and then he dies
and Rustum lets the whole Tartan army go and doesn’t murder any of them
and then he mourns about his son and it’s awful

so the moral of the story
is you can either have sex indiscriminately
OR kill indiscriminately
doing both is a recipe for dramatic irony

the end

Grandmothers are a Serious Security Risk

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Hey I just ordered up a few more Large and Extra Large shirts
so if you wanted one of those and you were sad they sold out
stop being a pansy

ANYWAY

so there’s this peasant family right
they have this little baby boy
and when he is born he has this big ol’ funky bag of wombskin all over his face
and everyone is like OH MY GOD IT IS AN OMEN OF GREAT LUCK
IT MEANS HE IS GOING TO MARRY THE KING’S DAUGHTER FOR SOME REASON

so obviously the king hears about this shit
and he’s like fuck that
ain’t no funky wombsack kid gonna marry MY daughter
she’s only a baby right now
but they say it’s never too early to start murdering potential suitors

so the king disguises himself and goes to the peasant family
and he’s like yo i heard you got baby
wanna hook a brother up?
and the baby’s parents are like uh no
that’s weird
and the king is like i’ll give you fifty bucks for that baby
and the parents are like WELL HE’S BLESSED WITH GOOD LUCK SO HE’LL BE FINE
and they sell their infant to the king
who immediately turns around and throws the baby in the water

but here’s the problem
before the king puts the baby in the water
he seals him in an AIRTIGHT FUCKING BOX
if you are trying to drown a baby
this is not the way to do it my friends
because then what happens is some miller fishes the box out of the river
like OH SWEET SOME TREASURE
but then nope
it’s a baby
and he’s like aww fuck
i bet my wife is gonna make me keep it, too
so he brings it to his wife and sure enough they get stuck raising the little fucker

CUT TO FOURTEEN YEARS LATER
the king is doing his whole disguise himself and show up at peoples’ houses schtick
and he ends up at the miller’s house
and the king is like that’s a mighty fine looking son you got there
and the miller is like oh well actually we just found this dude in the river
isn’t he great?
why, he’s practically old enough to MARRY THE KING’S DAUGHTER
and the king is like WHAT
fuck that
hey kid can you deliver a letter to the queen for me
nothing important
just a little note reminding her to execute whoever brings her the letter
and the kid is like sure whatever
and he takes the letter
and just starts walking

so it gets late and he ends up at this house
and the old lady in the house is like DUDE GET OUT OF HERE THIEVES LIVE HERE
and the kid is like i ain’t afraid of no ghosts
or thieves either
fuck it i’m just gonna sleep on your couch
so he does
and the thieves come home
and they’re like WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY
and the gramma is like he’s just some kid with a letter for the queen
and the thieves are like LET’S SEE WHAT IT IS
and they end up feeling pretty bad
and just writing a new letter to replace the old one
and instead of saying that the queen should kill the kid
the new letter says that the queen should MARRY HER DAUGHTER to the kid

so in the morning the kid takes the letter and goes to the queen’s place
and he’s like yo i have a letter for your face
and the queen reads it
and WHABAM
marries her daughter to the kid almost instantaneously
she’s like daughter are you cool with this?
and the princess is like whatever he’s pretty hot

so a week or so later the king comes home
to find the kid not dead at all
and in fact MARRIED TO HIS FUCKING DAUGHTER
AS PER PROPHECY
and he’s like holy fuckpuddles
wife can you not read or something?
and the queen is like dude this is the letter you sent me
and the king is like what?
look at this
the seal is broken
this isn’t even my fucking handwriting
woman are you high?
and the queen is like pretty much yeah

but the king is not gonna take this shit sitting down
i mean that is how you take most shits
but not this one apparently
because he goes over to the kid and he’s like yo
you can only stay married to my daughter
if you bring me THREE GOLDEN HAIRS FROM THE DEVIL’S HEAD
HAHAHAHA
and instead of being like “no dude that’s completely unreasonable”
the kid is like sure whatever
i ain’t afraid of no devils
and he just goes and does it

but see on the way to hell
which is apparently walking distance from this castle by the way
the kid ends up at a bunch of fucking cities
the first one has a guard who’s like HEY DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
and the kid is like uh
EVERYTHING
and the guard is like oh yeah?
well we used to have a booze fountain in the middle of the town
and now it doesn’t even shoot out wine coolers
what gives?
and the kid is like i’ll totally tell you
but i’m kind of in a rush to get to hell right now so i’ll get you on the way back k?

so then he gets to the SECOND city
which is not chicago
or an improv group IN chicago
it is a different place
and the guard is like YO DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
(this is apparently a common question in these parts)
and the kid is like uh
EVERYTHING
and the guard is like ok well see we used to have this tree with golden apples
but now it doesn’t even grow regular apples
or leaves actually
it’s pretty much just a gnarly forked dong coming out of the ground
what gives?
and the kid is like i’ll totally tell you when i get back

so then he gets to this river
and the ferryman is like YO DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
and the kid is like EVERYTHING
and the ferryman is like HOW DO I GET A FUCKING VACATION FROM THIS SHITTY BOAT JOB
and the kid is like I’LL TELL YOU LATER DUDE I PROMISE

so finally he gets to hell
and instead of meeting satan straight away
he manages to run into satan’s GRANDMA
and the grandma is like yo kid
you realize that this is hell right?
and the kid is like whatever
i need some devil hair or i ain’t never getting laid
and the grandma is like well as satan’s grandmother i can sympathize
here
let me turn you into an ant and i will totally get those hairs for you
and the kid is like oh also could you ask him to answer these 3 questions i have?
i kind of pretended to have infinite knowledge
and i don’t wanna look like an asshole
even though i really kind of am
and the gramma is like oh sure

so the kid gets turned into an ant
and climbs into gramma’s skirt
and then satan comes home like HEY GRAMMA WHAT’S UP
LEMME FALL ASLEEP IN YOUR LAP REAL QUICK
and so he does
and then the grandma immediately pulls out one of his hairs
and he wakes up like OW WHAT THE FUCK LADY
and the grandma is like oh sorry i had a bad dream
that’s what happens when i have a bad dream
it was about why does the booze fountain in this one city not work?
and satan is like oh well because there’s a toad in it
kill the toad
free booze for everybody
now lemme go back to sleep

so as soon as he’s back asleep
gramma satan pulls ANOTHER hair out his head
and he wakes up like WOMAN WHAT THE FUCK
and gramma is like dude i am just having the worst dreams
this one was about why is that golden appletree in that one city broken?
and satan is like oh cause a mouse is gnawing on it
kill the mouse
no problem
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

so gramma mcasshole waits no more than three seconds
before she pulls out ANOTHER GODDAMN HAIR
and satan wakes up like WOMAN I’M BOUT TO BEAT YOU I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE
and Gramma is like shh honey
i just had another bad dream
why does that ferryman who lives by hear never get any vacations?
and satan is like oh
well he should just pass the pole off on some poor asshole who gets on the boat
PROBLEM SOLVED
boy your dreams sound less like dreams than like very specific questions
and gramma is like SHHH HONEY GO BACK TO SLEEP

so then the grandma turns the kid into a kid again
and gives him the hair
and then he leaves without even thanking her really
and heads home
and on the way he tells the ferryman what’s up
(AFTER waiting for him to boat him across the river)
and he tells the city dudes what’s wrong with their stuff
and in exchange those city dudes give him ASSLOADS OF GOLD
literally
gold loaded onto the backs of multiple asses
see what i did there
it was totally unintentional actually
and then he gets back to the kingdom like hey king i brought you some gold hairs
also GOLD
and the king is like WHAT
GOLD
WHERE
and the kid is like oh you know
on the other side of this river next to hell
you gotta get the ferryman to take you across and then it’s gold city
and the king is like WOOOO GOLDTIMES AHOY
and he gets to the river and he’s like YO FERRYMAN
TIME TO SET SAIL ON THE SS GOLDBOAT AMIRITE
and the ferryman is like sure
and the king gets on the boat
and then the ferryman just fucking gives him the pole and he’s like good luck asshole
i’m off to go never do this again
and then the king ends up being a ferryman forever
because apparently he cannot figure out the simple process
of handing a pole to another human being

so the moral of the story
is satan gives pretty good gardening advice
so next time you plant a tree
try to maybe sacrifice a goat or something

THE END.

Zahhak Has Epaulets Made of Pure Brutality

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holy shit you guys are buying a lot of shirts
thanks in large part I think to pajiba.com
(which is apparently a review site whose philosophy i really dig)
and themarysue.com
(which is just all around rad
and the picture of the flexing lady changes costumes when you refresh the page!)
for all you people who bought your shirts from last Monday onwards
you should know that I have a policy of always shipping out shirts once a week
on mondays
because all I have is a bike and very little time
so your hojillion shirts will all go in the mail the day after tomorrow

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT SHIRTS
LET’S TALK ABOUT SOME PURELY RAD UTTER NONSENSE FROM IRAN

that’s right
IRAN
this shit was not even on my radar until this crazycool chick
(who wishes to remain anonymous
and whose name is Thunderchucks “BOOOOOM” Murdertoots)
pointed out to me that there is this religion called Zoroastrianism
which is called that
because it came out of the yelling face of this dude named Zoroaster
it is about how there is this super chill god named after a Japanese car brand
and also this total dick named Ahriman who is all about shitting in his milk
and this religion possesses some of the BEST STORIES EVER
OBSERVE

So there’s this dude Zahhak right
he’s an all around nice dude
until this asshole Ahriman shows up like hey man you know what would be awesome?
killing your dad
and Zahhak is like you know what
I never thought of it that way
and BAM his dad is dead

and GOOD NEWS FOR ZAHHAK
turns out his dad was totally king of something
so now Zahhak gets to be king
this is the problem with kingship guys
your kids are kind of actively rewarded for killing you
but anyway Ahriman is not satisfied with the level of fucked up everything is
so he disguises himself as Anthony Bourdaine and shows up at Zahhak’s place again
and he’s like yo dude let me cook you some GOURMET MEALS
and Zahhak is like AWESOME
HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?
and Ahriman is like oh nothing
just kiss my shoulders a couple times and we’ll be good
and Zahhak is a little weirded out probably
but he’s not about to let this dude’s weird fetish get in the way of GOURMET MEALS
so he does it
and then suddenly
SNAKES GROW OUT OF ZAHHAK’S SHOULDERS
like OH SHIT
looks like Anthony Bourdaine’s shoulders had SNAKE HERPES
haha oh man i can’t believe that’s a sentence I just got to type

so anyway Zahhak is freaking out
like you tend to do when snakes are coming out of your shoulders
but no worries
here comes Ahriman AGAIN
this time disguised as a doctor
and he’s like hm let me take a look at these snakes
oh I’ve seen this before
it’s brain-eating shoulder snakes disorder
you just have to feed the snakes human brains or else they will devour you
not a big deal honestly

so Zahhak starts killing people and feeding their brains to his snakes
because I mean what else is he gonna do
and then he’s like hm
well as long as I am ceaselessly killing people to feed my snakeshoulders
I might as well declare war on the KING OF THE ENTIRE WORLD
yeah apparently they had those back in the day
what did I tell you about kingship guys?
it is a losing proposition

So Zahhak kills Jamshid, king of the world, pretty much without any problems
then he takes Jamshid’s daughters and bones the shit out of them a lot
and everyone is like MAN WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW
I THOUGHT WE LIVED IN A WORLD CREATED BY AN OVERWHELMINGLY BENEVOLENT GOD
WHY IS IT THAT THE KING OF THE WORLD
IS A GUY WHO LITERALLY HAS BRAIN-EATING SNAKES FOR SHOULDERS
but things are about to change
because one night Zahhak has a BAD FUCKING DREAM
and he wakes up and calls some dudes to interpret it
and they’re like oh well that’s simple
dude named Feryadoun is gonna kill your ass real soon
and Zahhak is like FUCK THAT NOT IF I KILL HIM FIRST
but it turns out Feryadoun is just some kid who lives in the mountains
so Zahhak spends all this time and effort trying to find him
and just ends up with a couple fistfuls of mountaindirt and a plate full of sadness

but then one day this blacksmith named Kaveh shows up to Zahhak’s place
and he’s like yo man just wanted to let you know
I had 18 kids but then your snake shoulers ate seventeen of them
and Zahhak is like oh sorry about that bro
look i will totally not braineat your last son
but you gotta sign a form that says I am the most awesome and benevolent dude ever
and Kaveh is like FUCK THAT I AIN’T SIGNING SHIT
HOW ABOUT INSTEAD I GO FIND FERYADOUN AND COME BACK AND KILL YOUR ASS
and Zahhak is like oh shit no don’t do that
but by the time he finishes that sentence Feryadoun has already killed his ass
I dunno how that mountain kid got so competent but he did apparently
and then he frees Jamshid’s two hot daughters and bones them into oblivion

so the moral of the story
is if a doctor ever tells you that the only remedy for your medical condition
is raw human brains
consider a second opinion

THE END

The Hindus Like to Chop Dudes Up

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This one has been a long time coming

so back in the days before there was stuff and things
(if you subscribe to Hindu mythology)
there was a dude
just this one dude
as far as the eye could see
it was this one dude all the way down
spanning the entire breadth of the universe
plus like ten extra feet for good measure
his name
is The Dude
but not the dude from the Big Lebowski
this is a significantly Bigger Lebowski we are talking about here
this is a Lebowski as Big as the entirety of creation
he is so big he exists at all times both before and after his birth
and like a quarter of his body is made up of all the animals ever
and the other 3/4 is all the gods
and he actually gives birth to a dude named Virj
who gives birth to HIM
HOLY SHIT WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING

so clearly the gods get tired of trying to conceptualize this universal dude
and they’re like fuck this let’s sacrifice him
so they tie him down and cut him up
and just start flinging pieces of is body EVERYWHERE
and predictably they turn into things
like all the tasty clarified butter they boil off him turns into ANIMALS
even though I thought animals were already a quarter of his body
i guess 1/4 of his body was butter?
fatty
and the gods are pretty much making up ceremonies while they do this
so those kind of get written down and preserved for all eternity
also i gotta hand it to these gods
it takes some serious effort/cojones
to kill and butcher someting that is 75% COMPOSED OF YOU
but anyway yeah
his mouths become priests
and his arms become nobles
and his thighs become the general rabble
and his feet become the slaves
his brain turns into the fucking moon and his eyeballs are the sun
and the sky comes out of his ears and the ground forms under his peasant-feet
and the gods make sure to start a fuckton of fires
because if you’re gonna butcher the universe it might as well also be on fire
and those fires turn into the IDEAL SOCIAL ORDER somehow
no one mentions what happens to The Dude’s dong
or his chest actually
my guess is that some creeper god stole that shit
and built him a pan-galactic realdoll

so the moral of the story
is next time you are getting sexed up
just remember that both you and your honey are made out of the same dude
so basically
everybody is gay

the end.

Cephalus has nothing to do with squids, disappointingly

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okay so there’s this fucking guy right

his name is Cephalus and he is pretty legit
but as you will soon learn that does not stop gods from fucking him over
basically what happens is the goddess Aurora sees him and is like OH DAMN
LET ME PUT SEX ON YOU
VIA THE TIME-TESTED MEDIUM OF KIDNAPPING
so she steals him

but see the problem here
is that Cephalus has a wife
her name is procris
and she is favored by Diana
which is weird because Diana is the god of no sex forever
so i guess this is what you might call a sexless marriage
but anyway Procris totally gets sweet prizes from Artemis
like this magical dog that can run real fast and shit
and she gives it to her husband because SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH
fuck man if I got a megafast dog i would keep that shit
she must really like this dude

but so yeah
when Aurora sees that Procris is giving away MAGIC SPEED DOGS to her husband
and also when she learns that Cephalus is totally not gonna bone her
she is like ok fine
you can go back to your shitty mortal wife
but i swear some day it’s gonna come back to bite you in the ass

so then one day it does
see there is this fox everyone hates
the gods put it there because they are dicks
and no dog can catch it
so they borrow cephalus’s dog
and it’s gonna catch it
except then the gods turn the dog and the fox into stone
because fuck it why not
and then later Procris hears that Cephalus is talking to himself
writing love poems to the fucking wind
and she freaks out because she thinks the wind is a person
and goes to spy on him
and because he is a great hunter he shoots her in the fucking face
and then she dies
and he’s like woman
the breeze is not a person what the hell is your problem
and everyone is sad forever

so the moral of the story
is before you get jealous of someone
look up their name in the dictionary
they might be an inanimate object
and inanimate objects are not worth getting shot over

the end

Hair accessories are not good security devices

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Ok so someone
and I honestly don’t know who it is
mailed me a brand new copy of Bulfinch’s Greek and Roman Mythology
who are you?
how did you get my address?
how did you get so awesome?
so yeah I’m gonna be telling a myth from that
in hopes of persuading this mystery benefactor not to stalk me to my house

So King Minos right?

you remember him no doubt
he’s the kind of dude who when his wife fucks a cow
responds by exiling the cow
imprisoning the baby in a labyrinth
then extorting the countryside into feeding his son LIVE HUMAN BEINGS for DECADES
so Minos is what we in the business call a serious motherfucker
although perhaps that title is better reserved for oedipus
whatever

so one day Minos runs out of dudes to wantonly destroy
so he’s like I know
how about I go wage war on this dude Nisus
he’s a king he probably has SOMETHING i can steal
so he rolls on over to Nisus’s crib
and he’s like yo man bout to take your kingdom
and Nisus is like HAHA JOKE’S ON YOU ASSHOLE
MY KINGDOM CAN NEVER FALL AS LONG AS I HAVE THIS SWEET PURPLE WEAVE IN MY HAIR
and Minos is like SERIOUSLY?
fuck
I was expecting a lot of things
but a magic purple hair extension was not one of them

so Minos proceeds to camp out in front of Nisus’s castle
and kill a bunch of dudes in the process
but see what he doesn’t know is that every day he is getting spied on
by this chick Scylla
who is Nisus’s daughter
she is chilling out in a tower overlooking Minos and his dudes
like DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN
I WANNA HIT THAT LIKE A METEOR MADE OF TITS
but HOW?!
he’s sort of besieging my city right now
man you know what?
fuck it
fuck my city
I need to get LAID

so what she does
is she sneaks into her dad’s room at night
and she cuts out his magic cranial accessory
and she runs out to Minos’s army like YO MINOS I HEARD YOU LIKED KINGDOMS
SO I SHAMELESSLY BETRAYED MY FATHER
WANNA BONE?
and Minos is like EWWWW
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
I DON’T WANNA GET WITH NO FATHER-BETRAYER
BOUT TO STAB YOU NOW BITCH HOW ABOUT THAT
still totally gonna take the kingdom though
and Scylla is like FUCK YOU I AIN’T GONNA GET STABBED
so she jumps into the water
and starts trying to hitch a ride home on one of Minos’s boats
but then her dad shows up
except it’s not her dad it’s an EAGLE that USED TO BE HER DAD
I guess his hairstyle was the only thing keeping him from being a bird?
anyway he swoops down and mauls the shit out of her
and then SHE turns into a bird
so I guess
zombie birds?

but so anyway the moral of the story
is before you betray your kingdom to get with someone
make sure you are at least marginally bonable in your own right
because even a free kingdom may not be enough
to make them overlook your butterface

THE END.

Being a fisherman is occasionally lucrative

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ok so there’s this fisherman

for some reason he has a habit of only casting his net four times a day
so one day he’s casting his net
and it’s like straight out of a bugs bunny cartoon
dude is pulling up old boots
big jars full of sand
tin cans
whatever
and he’s about to cast his net one last time
and he’s all HEY ALLAH
YOU KNOW HOW YOU’RE ALL-MERCIFUL AND JUNK?
HOW ABOUT I CATCH SOME FISH NOW OK?
and then he casts his net and comes up with a magic lamp
and he’s like ALLAH THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR
but thanks I guess?

so I know what you’re thinking
what makes this thing a magic lamp
as opposed to just a regular old lamp?
first of all, it’s SUPER heavy
and as we all know
heaviness = magic
whales are the wizards of the ocean
second of all
it has a lead seal in the spout
marked with the SEAL OF KING SOLOMON
pretty heavy shit
now you would think that if King Solomon wanted this lamp to stay all constipated
it might be a good idea to keep that plug in there
but apparently this fisherman took a few levels in supreme idiocy
because he just digs out his pocketknife and opens that fucker up
i don’t know what he thinks he’s going to find
tiny rubies?
really heavy popcorn?
well what he actually finds is a MOTHERFUCKING GENIE
and the genie is all like hey dude thanks for rescuing me
gonna kill you now
and the fisherman is like whoa what the fuck
why
and the Genie is like well
king solomon imprisoned me in this lamp CENTURIES ago
and for a while i was down there at the bottom of the ocean all like
man whoever releases me is gonna get 3 wishes
and then as time went by i was like ok whoever lets me out is gonna get FIFTY wishes
and then i got bitter and decided to use murder instead of wishes
so i guess this is just a case of bad timing huh?
and the fisherman is like THAT MAKES NO SENSE
I JUST RESCUED YOU FROM A GODDAMN LAMP
and the genie’s like sorry dude
I promised myself I was gonna murder somebody and I don’t wanna let myself down
and the dude is like hold on wait a second
you’re telling me you
a grown-ass genie
were imprisoned in that tiny bottle for several centuries?
and the genie is like yeah what of it
and the man is like i don’t believe you
and the genie is like YOU JUST SAW ME COME OUT OF THE FUCKING BOTTLE
and the man is like bullshit
I saw nothing
prove it
and the genie is like FINE I’LL PROVE IT
and he gets back in the bottle
LIKE AN IDIOT
and the fisherman puts the cork back in
TA DA

now that could have been the end of the story
but of course then the genie starts being a whiny little bitch
and being like please release me dude
I will totally hook you up with some sweet loot
and instead of seriously bargaining with the genie or anything
the dude is basically just like ok i guess we’re even now
and lets him out
and the genie is like alright dude
lemme show you this bitchin’ lake I know about

so they go to the lake
and the fisherman dude casts his net
and he gets FOUR FISH
not a lot of fish by any standard
definitely not enough fish to justify releasing a fucking MURDEROUS GENIE
but they are in some pretty bitchin colors
red, yellow, green and blue
and the genie is like take these to the sultan
it will be great I promise

so the fisherman takes the fish to the sultan
and the sultan buys them off him for like 500 bucks
which is pretty sweet
and then he gives them to some chick to cook
but when she tries to cook them
some other random chick BUSTS THROUGH THE FUCKING WALL LIKE THE KOOL-AID MAN
SAYS SOMETHING TO THE FISHES ABOUT AN ANCIENT PROMISE
THEN THE FISH START FUCKING TALKING
and by the time that’s all over dinner is ruined
but unfortunately the cooking chick is the only one who saw that shit happen
so when the vizier walks in she’s just standing there with 4 burnt tropical fish
like uh
magic?
so the Vizier is like BULLSHIT
I GOTTA SEE THIS FOR MYSELF

so they send for the fisherman
and he gets them 4 more fish for 500 more bucks
and they try this shit again
and the SAME SHIT HAPPENS
except this time it’s a black dude who busts down the wall
and then the vizier tells the sultan
and they’ve gotta do the whole thing AGAIN for HIM
so the fisherman is making some serious cheddar off of this
until the sultan sees what’s going on and is like ALRIGHT
GO GET THE FISHERMAN
TELL HIM TO TAKE US TO THIS FUCKED UP LAKE
and the fisherman is like dammit genie
i really would have preferred a couple of nice simple wishes
a gold cock and a swimming pool full of blowjobs or something
whatever
i’m sure i could have come up with something better than a fucking magic lake
that i have to walk to every day and then sell worthless magic fish to the king

but anyway the sultan and all his dudes camp by this lake
and they hear about how there’s like a castle up in the mountains or something
so the sultan tells his Wazir
(a wazir is basically like an ultimate butler that only sultans get)
to not let anybody into his tent and tell everybody he is asleep
while meanwhile he sneaks into the mountains to see whats up

so up in the mountains is this really sweet castle with no one in it
except this one really sad dude whose legs are made out of stone
and the sultan is like dude what the fuck is wrong with your legs
and the guy is like WELL LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
basically i was the king and my wife was a twank
and she kept drugging me to go bone this gross leper
so i got pissed off and hit the leper with my sword
but it’s ok
i only severed half his neck and most of his veins
but then it wasn’t ok because for like THREE YEARS my wife mourned over him
and built a fucking shrine for him in the castle
and finally tricked me into admitting I stabbed him
and then got real pissed at me and turned my legs to stone
and turned everyone in the kingdom into fish
color-coded according to their religious beliefs
and turned the islands the kingdom was on into mountains
and moved the whole place like a year’s journey east
yeah it seems like a lot of effort huh
i guess she was pretty pissed?
and every day she whips me a whole bunch
and then goes and tries to feed that leper dude some soup

and the sultan is like fuuuuuuck man
lemme help you out real quick
so he goes into the tent where the leper dude is
and he stabs him and chucks him in a well
then he puts on all his clothes and gets into his grossnasty bed
and when the witch chick comes in in the morning he’s like HEY HONEY I CAN TALK NOW
oh by the way the leper is also a black dude
and at this point the sultan does a pretty racist caricature of black dude talkin’
which i think both the original author and the 19th century translator
thought was HILARIOUS
but which in retrospect is actually pretty tame
anyway he’s like HEY LADY
YOU KNOW WHY I HAVEN’T RECOVERED YET?
NOT BECAUSE OF THE HIDEOUS WOUND IN MY NECK
BUT BECAUSE YOUR STONE-LEGGED HUSBAND IS SO MISERABLE AND HE CRIES ALL THE TIME
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TURN HIS LEGS INTO LEGS INSTEAD OF ROCKS
and the witch chick is like right away loverboy
and so she does it and comes back
and the sultan is like OH YEAH I FORGOT
I AM ALSO GETTING ALL KINDS OF BOTHERED BY HOW EVERYONE IS FISH
AND HOW THE ISLANDS ARE MOUNTAINS AND STUFF
MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIX THAT
and the witch is like sure no problem
so she does
at which point the sultan runs out of crafty ploys and just stabs her in the chest
and then throws her in the well
and the day is saved!

so now they’re suddenly a whole year away from home
on account of magic
but no one gives a fuck because the day is saved and whatnot
the stone-leg dude becomes the sultan’s adopted son
and they spend a year getting back to the sultan’s crib
miraculously unharmed by its ruler having been gone for well over a year
and then the sultan hits up the fisherman like yo
thank you for uh
for instigating some ridiculous good times?
been a long time since I’ve had a good excuse to fling some corpses into some wells
here
let me marry your daughter right quick
then i will marry your other daughter to this adopted son I have
and then i’ll make your son the mayor or something
and the fisherman is like SWEET
i guess it all worked out in the end

so the moral of the story is
not all genies grant wishes
some grant clusterfucks

THE END.

Chang’e gets the short end of the immortality stick

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a special internet thank you
to comics wizard Tom Siddell
for bringing this mythological personage to my attention with his internet comic

okay so you guys know about the sun right?

it’s this big ball of fire and explosions that flies around giving people cancer
but did you know there used to be TEN SUNS?
yeah
it SUCKED
it sucked so bad that Di Jun (aka Chinese Zeus)
(aka the father of all these rambunctious suns)
(get it? suns? sons? it’s brilliant)
had no idea what to do
so here’s what went down:

So there’s this really great archer named Hou Yi
and he’s chilling in his heavenly crib with his wife Chang’e
and all of a sudden the phone rings and it’s Di Jun
Hou Yi is like yo Di Jun my man what’s cookin’?
and Di Jun is like my friend the entire earth is cooking
you could fry an egg on a fucking glacier right about now
and it ain’t none of this sous vide bullshit or nothing
this is honest to goodness summer backyard barbecue
except instead of a big plate of watermelon on the back porch
everyone’s skin is melting off
can you solve this problem for me?
and Hou Yi is like you got it buddy

so Hou Yi grabs his trusty arrows and goes outside
and just kills nine out of the ten suns
and then he stares at the tenth sun real hard and he’s like
you best behave, sun
and the sun is like OK DUDE NO PROBLEM
and promptly dives underground and takes the subway home
and Hou Yi is like well that was easy
you’re welcome Di Jun
and Di Jun is like WHAT THE FUCK MAN YOU JUST KILLED 90% OF MY SUNS
I MEAN SONS
WELL I MEAN TECHNICALLY BOTH
and Hou Yi is like dude do you know who you called to solve your problem?
you called Hou Yi the immortal archer
what the fuck did you think was going to happen?
you know what they say:
when the only tool you have is a hammer
every problem starts to look like you can solve it by shooting your friend’s sons
until they explode and turn into mutant birds
(oh yeah, they totally turned into birds by the way)
um i think i may have mixed my metaphors a little bit
and Di Jun is like DAMN RIGHT YOU DID
I AM HEREBY REVOKING YOUR IMMORTALITY
ALSO:
YOUR WIFE’S IMMORTALITY
and Chang’e is like hey what the fuck
what did I do?

so now Hou Yi and Chang’e are both mortal
and Chang’e will NOT stop bitching about it
so finally Hou Yi is like GRR FINE
I will go get us some immortality
so he goes all the way the fuck to the west
and he finds Xiwangmu, the good witch of the west
who gives him a couple pills of immortality
and she’s like careful dude
this is some heavy shit
don’t take too much
and Hou Yi is like sure no problem
and then proceeds to go home and leave all the pills with his wife
while he goes out to shoot some things with arrows

so different tellers of this story ascribe different motivations to Chang’e here
some say she was a greedy twank who wanted all the immortality for herself
some say that there were some robbers and she took all the pills to spite them
some say she got hungry and confused
whatever
the point is Hou Yi isn’t gone for fifteen seconds
before all the pills are in his wife’s mouth
at which point she proceeds to have
THE ULTIMATE OVERDOSE

but instead of throwing up and then dying
which would be SILLY
Chang’e becomes TOO IMMORTAL
and apparently Immortality = buoyancy
so she floats to the moon
and her husband comes home and sees her floating to the moon
and he’s about to take out his bow and try to shoot her down
but everyone is all NO HOU YI
SOMETIMES YOU CANNOT SOLVE PROBLEMS BY SHOOTING THEM
and Hou Yi is like seriously?
fuck
and then his wife lives on the moon with a rabbit forever
and later another guy named Wu Gang gets sent there
he’s like Sisyphus except with a tree instead of a rock
and chopping it down instead of pushing it up a hill

so the moral of the story
is don’t do drugs
unless you wanna wake up on the moon
with nothing but a rabbit and a deranged lumberjack to keep you company
take it from me

THE END.

Animals Give Questionable Advice in Arabia

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Okay so there’s this merchant
(speaking of merchants DID YOU BUY A SHIRT YET?)
he’s got this sweet deal going on with Allah
where he gets to understand what animals are saying all the time
but if he tells anybody about it he dies
which honestly is about as good a deal as you can expect to get from any god anywhere
most of the time the deal is more like you get to have everything you love taken away
and if you complain about it you die
so already this merchant dude is pretty hooked up
but so then one day
this dude is hanging around some farm he owns
and he hears his bull talking to his butt
oh whoops sorry I meant ASS
so yeah the bull is like hey ass
why you get to live such a posh fucking life all the time
dudes all keepin’ your stable clean and feeding you gourmet ass-grass
you get pampered all the way down the red satin carpet to the infinity limo
you know what I get?
I get beat with STICKS
I wake up at FIVE AM
they put some wood shit on my neck
and they’re like OY
WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE FOR LIKE A MILLION HOURS
and if I don’t then they brutalize me with whips made out of the SKINS OF MY FAMILY
but at least after all that I get to sit down and have a fat meal right?
WRONG
I GET TO EAT DRY BEANS AND COWSHIT
IF WHAT I AM EATING IS ALREADY SHIT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SHIT IT OUT
RIDDLE ME THAT DONKEY
RIDDLE ME THAT
and the donkey is like whoa dude chill out
you know what your problem is?
you’re an idiot
here’s what you do:
nothing
just sit on your distended belly and refuse to be a productive member of society
they’ll assume you’re sick and then BAM
PAID COW VACATION AHOY
and the cow is like whoa shit thanks man
and proceeds to do EXACTLY WHAT THE DONKEY TOLD HIM TO DO

here’s the problem
crafty ploys like this only work
when the person you are pranking has not OVERHEARD YOUR ENTIRE PLAN
so when the merchant gets wind of what’s going down
he’s just like no problem guys
just hook the donkey up to the plow and beat HIM with sticks
and so the following day
the donkey gets put through the most inhumane deathmarch possible
and he gets home in the evening like well thanks allah
thanks for this great fucking reward I get for giving my friend some advice
now I gotta fuck him over or live through my own personal trail of tears
so he’s like hey cow
COW
and the cow’s like oh shit sorry man
I couldn’t hear you over all this hedonistic pleasure I am indulging myself in
and the donkey is like dude I got the inside scoop
the merchant is totally gonna have you slaughtered if you don’t start being not sick
my advice is to immediately start prancing all the fuck everywhere
and the bull is like gee man you are so good at advice thank you so much
and proceeds to win the all around male cow’s breakdancing competition
in an attempt to convince everyone that he is super healthy and should not be killed
which of course causes the merchant to laugh his ass all the way off
and then his wife comes over like hey honey where’s your ass and why are you laughing
and he’s like HAHAHAHA OH MAN I’M SORRY BUT I CAN’T TELL YOU
and his wife is like well fuck that
tell me
and the merchant is like HAHAHA NO IF I TELL YOU I’LL DIE
and his wife is like dude seriously not cool
what’s so funny
and the merchant is like no seriously
I heard some animals saying some really funny shit
but if I tell you what it was then Allah will kill me
that’s the deal
that’s the deal I made
and his wife is like i don’t give a fuck what kind of deal you made with Allah
you tell me that funny joke RIGHT NOW
note that it’s not that his wife doesn’t believe what he’s telling her
it’s just that she can’t be arsed to care
and the merchant starts freaking out
he’s like are you serious woman?
i just explained to you
I am going to die
i mean it was some pretty funny shit but it’s not like a matter of life and death
and his wife is like I DON’T EVEN GIVE HALF A FUCK
IF YOU DON’T TELL ME RIGHT NOW I AM REVOKING YOUR SEASON TICKETS TO MY MEAT CAVE
and the merchant is like well if that’s the way it’s gonna be
lemme just invite over all our relatives so I can draw up my will
before you force me to kill myself over this fucking joke i heard

so all their relatives come over
and by the way
they share a lot of relatives
seeing as they are cousins and that is totally cool and don’t even worry about it
and all the relatives are like LADY PLEASE RECONSIDER
IT’S JUST A FUCKING JOKE WHY ARE YOU SO COMMITTED TO THIS?
and the wife is like I LIVE ON A GODDAMN FARM
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT A PRECIOUS COMMODITY JOKES ARE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD?
I HAVEN’T SEEN ANYONE SO MUCH AS SLIP ON A FUCKING BANANA PEEL IN LIKE A YEAR
and the merchant is like well alright
let’s go ahead and get this over with
but first I gotta go take a wicked dump in the outhouse
brb

so he’s sitting in the outhouse taking a shit
and outside he hears one of his dogs bust into the chicken coop
all like WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WHY AREN’T YOU GUYS MOURNING
OUR MASTER’S WRETCHED HARPY WIFE IS ABOUT TO FORCE HIM TO KILL HIMSELF
FOR NO GOOD REASON
and the rooster is like oh that?
bitch please
if that motherfucker can’t handle his one wife properly he deserves to die
look at me
I got fifty hoes IN THE SAME AREA CODE
FIFTY
and you know what else I got?
ninety-nine problems
NONE OF WHICH ARE AT ALL RELATED TO BITCHES
in fact you know what
I don’t even have any problems at all
my life is great
I rule this henhouse with an iron fist and get laid ceaselessly while doing it
and the dog is like shit man
what’s your secret
and the rooster is like two words:
merciless
beatings
and the merchant hears this and he’s like MERCILESS BEATINGS?
WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT
IT’S PURE GENIUS
so he wipes his ass with a passing hen
grabs some branches off the local mulberry tree
and runs inside like HEY WIFE
COME INTO THIS PRIVATE ROOM SO I CAN TELL YOU MY SECRET IN PRIVATE PRIVATELY
and she’s like ok sure
and then he proceeds to BEAT HER VIOLENTLY FOR HOURS
like PRETTY FUNNY JOKE HUH?
HUH?
YEAH THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO ASK QUESTIONS
and his wife is like FUUUUCK I’M SORRY
I’LL NEVER ASK YOU ANY QUESTIONS EVER AGAIN
and the husband is like OH MAN AWESOME
FROM NOW ON MY ENTIRE FAMILY LIFE WILL BE PREDICATED ON RUTHLESS BEATINGS
THANKS, ROOSTER!

so the moral of the story is
is if you’re at your wit’s end and you don’t know what to do
ask your cock
and if you don’t have one then i’m sorry
but I really don’t think the authors of this myth had your well-being in mind

THE END