Since When Do Animals Have Any Business Building Houses

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Stop me if you’ve heard this one

so there’s these pigs right
three of them
some people say that these pigs were particularly small
i say fuck that
i prefer to imagine some colossal fucking boars
as long as I have to listen to a story about more animals being idiots

so these pigs come into some money
don’t ask me how
I don’t know what kind of crazy fairytale entrepreneur is going around hiring pigs
especially since
as you will see
these pigs are none too bright
or at least two of them are none too bright and one is a GODDAMN SOCIOPATH
anyway the point is these pigs have some capital

so being ambitious young swine
these three pigs decide they are going to invest this money in real estate
so they each purchase an empty lot and set to work building a house on it
this is where shit starts to go sour

see the first pig is trying to decide what to build his house out of
and he’s like hm
what’s a thing that I already have a lot of
and is terrible for building houses
OH I KNOW
STRAW
so he just loads up on bales of hay
and uses the massive savings
to build himself a goddamn precarious mansion of distilled yellow stupid

CUT TO THE SECOND PIG
he’s like man look at that dumb pig building his house out of straw
I’m way more legit than he
what should I use as a building material to reflect my legititude
bubble wrap?
pencil shavings?
old hair?
no no no
TWIGS
OF COURSE
NOTHING IS MORE LEGIT THAN TWIGS
SCIENCE HAS SHOWN THIS

so let’s leave dumbshit number two to build his brittle lincoln log catastrophe
and see how the third pig is doing
so this pig is a pretty weird pig
seeing as he is a pig who knows masonry
and also seeing as he proceeds to build a goddamn brick fortress
without so much as providing a critique of the other two pigs’ housing decisions
he just builds his house and sits down in his creepy brick basement pig porn dungeon
and waits for is friends to fail

AND FAIL THEY DO
See there’s a wolf in the neighborhood
and the wolf is momentarily discouraged to find pigs living inside houses
but then he sees how stupid the houses are and he’s like oh ok sure
so what he does is he just rolls up to the first pig’s straw mansion
and he’s like YO
MOTHERFUCKIN’ PIGS BETTER OPEN UP THE HATCH
and the pig’s like
NOT BY THE STRANDS OF MY SWEET SOUL PATCH
and the wolf is like okay well
I went to art school for music so I have great breath control
how about i use it to blow your house away
and the pig is like A SLIGHT BREEZE
HOW DID YOU KNOW MY ONLY WEAKNESS
OTHER THAN FIRE, GRAVITY, AND MY ALMOST CRIPPLING STUPIDITY
actually he doesn’t finish saying that because the wolf eats him

but the wolf is still hungry so he goes to the next house
all like YO YO
HUGE-ASS BOAR BETTER OPEN UP THE DOOR
and the pig is like
NOT BY MY BEARD, WHICH CAN SWEEP ON THE FLOOR
and the wolf is like fine
that whole blowing on the house thing already worked once
and i always say don’t mess with success
so he just proceeds to literally blow that house to smithereens
whatever smithereens are
i’m sure he blows them
and then he eats the second pig

so then there’s the third pig
he’s got surveillance cameras trained on that wolf
and he’s watching the footage
from his lead-shielded command center inside the second story closet
and the wolf shows up like YO
OPEN UP LITTLE PIG, DON’T YOU DARE BE AFEARD
and the pig gets on the PA like
NOT BY THE STENCH OF MY PEDOPHILE BEARD
and the wolf is like well fuck
HOW ABOUT I USE BLOWING
and he does
why would he even try
it’s made of bricks
i feel like if he has mastered rhyming threats he should also know about bricks
i mean one would assume
but anyway he makes a fool of himself
and then he decides to try something else
which is he decides to climb in through the chimney
but see the wolf sucks at being stealthy
so the sociopath pig already knows what he’s doing
and he just calmly goes into his living room
and sets a big cooking pot in the fireplace
so when the wolf jumps down the chimney
like a big hairy santa claus of murder
he lands in the pot and immediately boils to death
it is really terrible and the pig probably gets off on it
and then he gets to enjoy some delicious soup with his OH WAIT HIS FRIENDS ARE DEAD

so the moral of the story
is people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones
and people who live in straw houses shouldn’t taunt wolves
but people who live in brick houses can do whatever the fuck they want

THE END.

Being a Cow Is Not The Best Attack Strategy

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Okay I got bored of Greek myths so here’s a short one from India

alright so Krishna right?

He’s got some enemies
obviously
it’s hard not to have enemies when you’re a one man fiasco engine
running around cockslapping demons like it’s a drive-by orgy
but that doesn’t explain why Krishna has already started accumulating enemies
AT ZERO YEARS OLD
that’s right
this dude has not even learned not to shit himself at random
and he is already stocking up on nemeses
and what’s more
the particular nemesis in question right now
is his EVIL UNCLE KAMSA
i’ve heard some pretty good excuses for disowning family members
but having an Evil Uncle Kamsa pretty much tops the list

so what Kamsa does
is he pays this demoness named Putana
seriously
she’s named Putana
which means the people who wrote this myth either didn’t know any spanish
or totally did and thought it was hilarious
but anyway Kamsa pays this bitch to kill Krishna in his crib
so what Putana does is she dresses up like a cowherd lady
or maybe just a cow
i’m not entirely sure
but either way she just rolls into Krishna’s room and starts breastfeeding him
like HEY KID WANNA MOUTH MY TITS?
but see as you probably guessed
demon milk is WAYYYY POISONOUS
so baby Krishna is about to get a mouth full of boobs and arsenic
not a bad way to go honestly

but Krishna is having none of it
he figures out right away that there’s something wrong with these gazongas
so what does he do?
he proceeds to suck on them SO HARD HE EXTRACTS PUTANA’S SOUL THROUGH HER NIPPLES
YEAH
PRETTY SEXY
PRETTY WEIRD
and then she dies and then the poison doesn’t even have any effect
and Krishna just goes ahead and embarks on a career of wanton asskicking
and everyone is pretty grossed out by the whole thing

so the moral of the story
is the way to a woman’s soul is through her nipples
i always suspected this but now I know for sure

THE END.

The Norse Are Not The Only Dudes Who Have Problems With Giants

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Alright so you may have already figured this out
but i did not start doing a video myth of the life of Christ yesterday
even though i totally said I was gonna
because you know what?
GRAD SCHOOL
but i’ll be doing it in the next few days
don’t you worry your pretty little heads
or if your heads are huge and grotesque
you still shouldn’t worry
even though I am a little worried every time I see or think about you

OKAY SO ONE TIME ZEUS FUCKED OVER SOME TITANS

this was back when he was basically just fucking over everyone in a straight line
on a one-man mission to leave no throne un-usurped and no ballsack un-severed
(speaking of which have you guys read The Name of The Wind?
yeah
it’s basically that)
but yeah apparently imprisoning an entire race of giant dudes
is a very efficient way to piss off their massive horde of unruly bros
so all these giants
who are like the giants we all know and love
except with SNAKES FOR LEGS
not an individual snake tail like the Serpent King or any of that weak shit
these guys have ONE SNAKE PER LEG
that actually seems structurally unstable
but guys
sometimes you have to be structurally unstable in order to be TOTALLY AWESOME
TAKE THAT ARCHITECTS
woo tangent

okay so these giants are pissed off
and the way they decide to express their pissed-offitude
is by climbing up on a bunch of mountains
and repeatedly hurling rocks at mount olympus
until it looks like one of those trolls from the neverending story
the ones that eat rocks or whatever
but yeah no one on mt. olympus can get ANYTHING DONE and it’s really pissing them off
and to make matters worse
Hera has to go and make a totally emo prophecy like hey guys
there’s no way we can kill these giants
except with the help of a lion-skinned mortal
and even then it will only work
if we keep the giants from finding this immortality weed
that we allowed to grow on earth for some reason
I guess this is what happens when you kill all the people who created the world
and then take over in their place
there is no transition meeting
no one tells you these things
but yeah

so the gods put their heads together
and they figure out that the lion-skinned dude Hera is talking about
is actually Hercules
because of how he walks around all the time wearing a lion skin cape
so they send some dudes to go get his help
and meanwhile Zeus comes up with a great plan to find the immortality herb
which is he has Phoebus and Selene turn off all the lights
and then he just goes groping around on earth in the dark to find that shit
guided by Athena because I guess she knows this kind of shit
honestly I think zeus just turned the lights out
because he wanted the excuse to go around on earth groping people in the dark
but anyway he totally finds the herb and brings it up to mt. Olympus
where it is of no use to anyone
PERFECT

meanwhile the gods manage to get Hercules in on this
and then they’re like HEY GIANTS
IT’S TIME TO D-D-D-D-DDUEL
and then everyone starts killing each other
or at least trying
because the first thing that happens is hercules shoots some giant in the head
and he falls down
but then he gets right back up
because apparently he can’t be killed when he has home court advantage
so Athena is like HERCULES
QUICK
DRAG HIM TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
so hercules does
and then he beats him to death with a club
it’s that easy

but while Hercules is out of the country
this one giant named Porphyrion gets it into his head to charge the gods
and Athena is the only person who gets her balls up enough to mount a defense
but Porphyrion is not interested in Athena
he’s only interested in MOLESTING THE EVERLOVING CRAP OUT OF HERA
and zeus sees this and is like AW HELL NO
I AM CHOOSING THIS AS A CONVENIENT TIME TO START CARING ABOUT MY WIFE
and he just zaps that fucker with a lightning bolt
and then Hercules comes back for the murder assist

the rest of the battle is pretty boring
basically how it goes is the gods keep wounding the giants
and then Hercules has to come over and do the coup de grace
like a long chain of the most BRUTAL ALLEY-OOPS
it gets kind of monotonous once everybody figures it out
and nothing interesting happens
except that Bacchus starts beating giants to death with his Thyrsus
which is literally just a big stalk of fennel tied up with ivy
and topped with a fucking pinecone
he is beating giants to death with this thing
I tell you
they don’t make booze like they used to

anyway eventually the giants get fed up with dying so much and they run away
but not before Athena throws a big rock the size of an island at one of them
and simultaneously kills the giant and invents Sicily
and basically the gods just run after the giants
making sure they stab or bludgeon or fry every single one of those dudes in the back
also,
Silenus
who you may remember as Dionysis’s alcoholic stepdad/tutor
totally claims he was at the battle
but in reality he just ate some mushrooms he found
and spent several hours yelling epithets at a tree

so the moral of the story
is if you are going to imprison a really big group of people
make sure you also kill all their relatives

THE END.

Erigone has a funny way of instituting justice

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Hey guys I SAID larges and extra larges are back in stock
DID YOU NOT HEAR ME

anyway here’s a short myth that I think we can all relate to

so once upon a time there is this dude named Oeneus
but this story isn’t about him
because despite the fact that Dionysis totally goes out of his way
to provide this dude with THE FIRST GRAPE VINE
Oeneus just proceeds to sit right down
and fail to produce ANY BOOZE WHATSOEVER
so the burden of this epic discovery falls to this other dude
his name is Icarius
not Icarus
that’s a different dude

but yeah Icarius totally invents him some wine
and he’s like oh man I have all this booze
and NO FRIENDS TO SHARE IT WITH
but hey
I hear shepherds like getting fucked up
HEY SHEPHERDS
and the Shepherds are like YEAH?
and Icarius is like HERE DRINK THIS STUFF I MADE
and the shepherds are like FUCK YEAH FREE DRINKS

but guys
it turns out no one has ever gotten drunk before
and these shepherds get so balls-over-beard plastered
that they are like OH FUCK I THINK WE GOT BEWITCHED
BETTER KILL THE DUDE WHO GAVE US FREE DRINKS
so they do
then they sober up and they’re like oh right
murder
that’s a crime or something
TIME TO MAKE LIKE SHEPHERDS AND HERD OUR SHEEP THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

so they bury Icarius under a pine tree
but unfortunately for them Icarius’s dog has been watching THE WHOLE TIME
but he doesn’t maul them or anything
no
that would be too simple
instead he goes and leads Icarius’s daughter Eragon to the body
and then digs up the corpse
presumably to freak her shit out
or because he thinks dead bodies are cool
dogs are weird
but anyway Eragon’s immediate rational response is to hang herself from the tree
and also pray to the gods
that random Athenian chicks continue to get hung from this tree all the time
until someone avenges Icarius’s death
and the gods are like sure ok

here’s the problem
no one other than the gods heard that shit
and the gods are really terrible at PR
so basically what happens
is chicks just keep showing up hanging from this pine tree
and no one has any clue why
it’s a spooky murder mystery
except the culprit is incompetence
but finally the Oracle at Delphi gets off her ass and is like hey
maybe someone should avenge Icarius?
what are you staring at guys
sometimes I can totally be straightforward and helpful sometimes
just not very often

so basically they track down the shepherds and hang them
and then people stop getting hanged for no reason
and in fact they all have this huge annual wine party from then on
where girls get shitfaced and swing from trees
happily reliving the memory of how a bunch of girls got murdered one time
and it’s great as long as you don’t think about it too much

so the moral of the story
is don’t give booze to shepherds
it’s like giving a mouse a cookie
except the mouse will fucking stab you

THE END

Poseidon is a Prankster of Dubious Hilarity

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(Larges and Extra Larges are back in stock
also I will be starting a video myth on monday
OF THE BOOK OF MATTHEW)

I think it says something about ancient greece

that they have one god of sleep
and THREE GODS OF WAR
There’s Eris
the goddess of fucking everything up all the time
Ares
the god of ceaseless stabbing
and Athena
the goddess of hey guys maybe we should stop stabbing for a second and make a plan
maybe it would help us not get stabbed?

today we are going to focus on Athena
of all the unreasonable assholes packed sardine style onto the tip of mount olympus
Athena is both the least unreasonable
and the least asshole
FACT
lemme prove it to you:
despite the fact that she is a goddess of war
Athena doesn’t own any fucking weapons
that would be like being a god of cookery
and not owning any fancy chef hats
PS have you guys seen God of Cookery
it has this scene
where a woman is rolling back and forth pounding a giant steak with her fists
it is worth a look let me tell you

ANYWAY
usually when Athena needs some weapons
she just hits up Zeus and borrows his
Zeus is more of a lover than a fighter anyway
but ONE TIME
during the Trojan War
when Zeus has made it SUPER CLEAR that he is MEGA NEUTRAL
Athena just doesn’t feel right about borrowing his weapons
so she decides to finally get her ass in gear and buy some of her own

to that end
she goes over to Hephaestus’s place and she’s like hey dude
how much for some sweet weapons and armor?
and Hephaestus is like ZERO DOLLARS
I WILL DO IT…
FOR LOVE
and Athena just completely misses the innuendo boat on that one
also the throbbing cripple boner in Hephaestus’s toga
and just says OK SOUNDS GREAT SEE YOU IN A COUPLE HOURS
and Hephaestus gets to work on that armor

so a few ours later Athena comes back
and Hephaestus is like HERE’S YOUR ARMOR
ALSO MY PENIS
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF AIMING IT SQUARELY AT YOUR VAGINA
TRUST ME I’M AN ENGINEER I KNOW ALL ABOUT THESE THINGS
LEVERAGE AND STUFF
and Athena is like EWW SO UNSEXY
and she pushes his penis away
but see what she doesn’t realize
is that pushing on penises tends to get them pretty excited
so she ends up with a big wad of jizz all over her thigh
guys i’m not making this up
this was part of someone’s religion
anyway Athena is super grossed out so she wipes the jizz off her thigh with some wool
and then chucks it to the ground
where it remains so potent that it IMPREGNATES MOTHER EARTH
we’ll get to that in a second

so Athena is like HEPHAESTUS EW WHAT THE FUCK
and Hephaestus is like what?
Poseidon totally told me about how you were on your way over here
hoping someone would have some nonconsensual sex with you
i guess he was trying to prank me
or you
or mother earth
i’m pretty sure he was just chucking a prank grenade into the pantheon
and then laughing hysterically at whoever got dismembered
anyway he told me that and i believed him
because frankly my wife Aphrodite and I haven’t been getting it on lately
pretty sure she’s banging Ares now and I’m so lonely and my leg really hurts and
Athena is like NO TIME FOR THAT
MOTHER EARTH IS YELLING AT ME
and Mother Earth is like Athena why did you throw a bunch of Jizz at me
now i’m pregnant
I resent that
and Athena is like what are you gonna do about it
and mother earth is like well i’m certainly not gonna raise this kid
and Athena is like FINE
I WILL
and then she does
and that kid has a son who builds a city that worships athena
and also invents monogamy and paternity
and replaces blood sacrifice with sissypants rice cake offerings
so basically no one wins

So the moral of the story
is that telling your friends to rape each other is not a prank
it is a disaster
I thought everyone knew this already

THE END.

Here’s Why Hera is Such a Bitch

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Oh gods I’m so sorry

I spent all this time going on about what a huge bitch Hera is
and granted
she IS a huge bitch
but I never even stopped to consider
that there might be a REASON for her excessive bitchery
WELL TODAY I DID SOME RESEARCH AND GUESS WHAT I LEARNED

so Zeus chops off his dad’s balls and throws them in the ocean, right?
that part of the story is pretty well known
also gross
but see the next thing Zeus does after that stunning display of pure class
is go hit up his twin sister Hera
YEP
THAT’S RIGHT
HERA IS TOTALLY ZEUS’S SISTER
bet you didn’t see that coming
oh wait it’s a greek myth
I forgot that EVERYONE IS HAVING INCEST ALL THE TIME

but actually, the incest in this case is not immediate
see Zeus hits up Hera and he’s like yo honeynipples
I heard a rumor that you have some kind of a hole I can put my penis in
so I came to do some fact-checking
ALL NIGHT LONG
and Hera is like Zeus that has got to be the worst pickup line I have ever heard
and I grew up with you, even
because remember
I’M YOUR FUCKING SISTER
and Zeus is like “more like my FUCKING sister, am i right?”
and hera is like ew no

so Zeus has to get crafty
but Zeus is not a very crafty guy
he is the god of lightning, not good ideas
so he decides to stick with his old standby
of turning into adorable animals and then fucking the shit out of people
so he disguises himself as a bedraggled-ass Cuckoo
and airswims all the way up to Hera’s tits and gets busy with the nestling
and Hera is like aw so adorable
lemme just let my guard down real quick
and the Zeus is like BOOM
YALL JUST GOT SEXED
HAHA I PRANK-SEXED YOU SO NOW WE HAVE TO GET MARRIED
and Hera’s like aw dammit bro

so they get married
and first of all their honeymoon lasts for THREE HUNDRED YEARS
that is not a honeymoon
that is a honeyMILLENIUM
i imagine even endless pornstar sex in the bahamas would get old after 300 years
and Zeus is the god of lightning so i doubt he is the greatest at intercourse
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
anyway Hera finally manages to extricate herself from this interminable honeymoon
and proceeds to dedicate one day out of every year
to taking a bath SO INTENSE
that it RESTORES HER VIRGINITY
not just because she is incredibly ashamed of her terrible marriage
but also because she can seemingly become pregnant for ANY REASON AT ALL
one time she touches a flower
BAM
ARES AND ERIS
another time she touches some LETTUCE
BLAZOW
HERE COMES HEBE
another time she doesn’t touch ANYTHING AT ALL
AND STILL MANAGES TO GIVE BIRTH TO HEPHAESTUS
and then Hephaestus finds out about it
and proceeds to CLAMP HIS MOTHER TO A FUCKING MECHANICAL TORTURE CHAIR
UNTIL HE IS SATISFIED THAT SHE IS NOT LYING ABOUT THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF HIS BIRTH
so yeah anyone would be a little bitter after all this shit
not to mention that the period immediately after their 300 year honeymoon
is a period of greek history known as
“The Era Where Zeus Saturated Every Living Thing With His Electric Jizz”
seriously
He fucks Themis and produces the seasons and the fates
he fucks Mnemosene NINE TIMES and produces the muses
his mother gets pissed off and warns him about too much fucking
and Zeus is like GODS HELP ME MOTHER
IF YOU WARN ME ABOUT SEX ONE MORE TIME I WILL TURN INTO A SNAKE AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU
so then that happens
oh yeah also he probably fathered Persephone
woo

so naturally Hera is maybe MORE than a little upset about all this
BUT THAT IS NOT EVEN ALL THE SHIT THAT IS GETTING SERVED UP
IN THIS ELEVEN COURSE GOURMET SHIT DINNER
because see one day Hera and the other gods finally get fed up with Zeus’s dickery
and decide it would be awesome to tie him up while he’s asleep
and hide his lightning bolts
pretty solid plan so far
but so Zeus wakes up like I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU
and the gods are like dude you’re totally tied up
we took the liberty of tying A HUNDRED KNOTS in that rope
now we’re gonna go over here and argue about who gets to be king
don’t escape or anything ok?

so while the gods are arguing Thetis gets really nostalgic for Zeus’s wang
but she can’t really bone him properly because he is all knotted the hell up
and not in a sexy way
Hera made SURE of that
so she goes and gets this dude Briareus
who happens to have EXACTLY ONE HUNDRED HANDS
and he busts into the room
instantly unties the knots using all his hands at once
and then is never heard from again because he exists only for this purpose apparently
and then Zeus is like RRRR HERA FUCK YOU
and he chains her to the fucking sky
with gold shackles around her wrists and ANVILS STAPLED TO HER FEET
and all the gods are like ok zeus we’ll be good we promise
and Zeus is like DAMN RIGHT
NOW WHERE’S MY DAY PLANNER
I THINK I MAY HAVE TO DOUBLE UP ON ADULTERY FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS

so the moral of the story
is think twice before you call someone a bitch
maybe they were stapled to the sky by an adulterous sky-jerk
after three-hundred years of terrible sex
and many more years of violent infidelity and unprovoked pregnancies.
probably not though
probably they are just a huge bitch.

THE END.

Big Ajax is a Huge Crybaby

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I figure it’s time for a greek myth
I’ve been kind of far afield lately and it feels good to come back
plus some creepy stalker bought me like a dozen greek myth books
so i am trying to appease them
whoever they are

OKAY SO THE TROJAN WAR RIGHT
it happens
some dudes kill some other dudes
they flex their muscles and run around a lot
it’s pretty okay
if that’s your thing I guess

BUT TODAY WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE TROJAN WAR
today we are talking about the aftermath of the trojan war
see because after that shit gets done
or at least after Achilles dies
everyone is faced with a very important question:
who the fuck gets to keep Achilles’ armor?
There are two main dudes who lay claim to that shit
there is Big Ajax
who is this guy
who is I guess really big?
and there is Odysseus
the lyin’ cheatin’ adulterin’ motherfucker
who in a few short weeks will go on to wheel a horse full of murder into troy
GUESS WHO WINS
I WILL GIVE YOU A HINT:
HIS NAME IS ODYSSEUS

but it’s not even odysseus’s fault that he wins
see everybody is kind of stumped about how to decide this shit
some people suggest having a secret vote
and some people suggest a murdering contest
and some people suggest just fucking giving Odysseus the armor
because fuck it he’s just gonna take it anyway
but none of those are what actually happen
because this professional wise dude named Nestor has a BETTER IDEA
he’s like hey guys
how about instead of relying on our better judgement
we rely on the better judgement of our ENEMIES
just send someone to listen at the walls outside troy
and hear who the Trojans think should get the armor
and everyone is like uh well okay sure

so someone goes and does that
and they basically overhear some Trojan chicks going OMIGAWD ODYSSEUS IS SO HOT
FUCK AJAX
BUT ACTUALLY
FUCK ODYSSEUS
BUT LIKE IN THE SEXY WAY
OH GOD WE ARE SO CONFUSED IT MUST BE BECAUSE WE WANT TO BONE ODYSSEUS
and the spy goes back to the greeks and he’s like uh
problem solved?

except no
problem NOT solved
because it turns out that Ajax is a TERRIBLE SPORT
see as soon as he finds out about this shit
he goes completely bonkers
and as soon as the sun goes down he just starts running around
chaining sheep together and stabbing the shit out of them
i think he has become convinced that they are Odysseus or something
but anyway he finally gets a little bit of a hold on himself
enough to realize that he is mainly murdering sheep
and that he should probably get the fuck out of here before someone finds out
so he finds his bro Teucer and he’s like hey bro
gonna go kill myself now
that cool?
And Teucer is like what did you say?
oh, uh
sure bro
sure

so Ajax goes and finds a nice picturesque suicide spot
and starts trying to stab himself
but that sword wants NOTHING TO DO WITH STABBING AJAX
it’s like wait a second dude
i know what’s going on here
i’m gonna stab you
and then you’re gonna be like WHAT THE FUCK SWORD
HOW DARE YOU STAB BIG AJAX
and then you’re gonna turn me into a sword pretzel
swords do not make very good pretzels ajax they aren’t even edible
but so instead of murdering Ajax
the sword just turns into a limp-ass noodle
thus further embarassing Ajax
until he figures out that he can still kill himself
by just stuffing the sword into his armpit
real fuckin’ dignified

so then next morning some of Ajax’s other relatives are like hey Teucer
Ajax looked pretty pissed last night
maybe we should confine him to his tent so he doesn’t do anything crazy
like kill a bunch of sheep
or maybe himself
and Teucer is like way ahead of you buddy
he totally already did those things so there’s nothing to worry about
and everyone is like what the fuck Teucer
why you gotta be so useless

and meanwhile, Menelaus is totally refusing to let anyone bury Ajax
because he’s a huge dick apparently
or maybe because he doesn’t want to expend the effort and dirt necessary
to bury Ajax’s huge dick
but either way Odysseus pulls some strings and gets Ajax buried
even if it is in a coffin that says I’M A PANSY WHO COMMITS SUICIDE BLUH BLUH BLUH
and then Odysseus donates Achilles’ armor to Achilles’ son
which they probably should have just done in the first place
side-stepping this fuckscapade entirely

EPILOGUE:
Achilles’s son totally loses the armor in a shipwreck
Teucer comes home and then gets exiled for totally failing to stand up for his bro
IN ANY WAY
and Odysseus goes to Hell and meets Ajax and Ajax is like I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU

so the moral of the story
is always leave a last will and testament
you don’t want a bunch of sweaty muscle dudes murdering all the sheep
just because you forgot to bequeath your fucking bathrobe or something

the end.

Rustum and Sohrab Have Some Family Problems

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Okay so we were talking about Iran

that’s good because apparently a lot of crazy shit goes down in Iran
or at least it used to
back in the good old days where lots of crazy shit went down basically everywhere
but anyway yeah this particular crazy shit takes place in Iran

so there’s this guy in this war
the guy’s name is Sohrab
and the war doesn’t have a name
because at this point in history everything is wars
so Sohrab has a serious case of insomnia
and right around dawn he ends up waking up the commander of his army
(the army of the Tartars, by the way)
and being like Peran-Wisa
this war is great and all
but I am really more interested in locating my absentee father
his name is Rustum and he is a super famous sword dude
could you maybe consider cancelling the war tomorrow
and just challenging the Persians
(those are the dudes they are fighting)
to some single combats with me?
the way I look at it it’s a win-win
see either I win and I get famous and then Rustum hears about how great his son is
OR
I lose and I die
oh wait that actually sounds more like a win-lose
whatever same difference
and Peran-Wisa is like you know this is a really dumb plan right?
you could probably do something less dumb
like put up posters or post on missed connections or something
but oh well I guess I wanted a vacation from this war anyway
sure
go nuts

so a couple hours later
when everybody is all awake and prepared for war
Peran Wisa steps out in front of his army and he’s like yo guys
no war today
war is cancelled
instead we are going to watch Sohrab do something suicidally reckless
HEY PERSIANS
DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANYONE FOR SOHRAB TO BE SUICIDALLY RECKLESS AT
and the Persians
who are just now getting ready to stab their daily quota of Tartans
are like oh titbiscuits
if we say no we’re gonna look like total pussies
but if we say yes then Sohrab is gonna spearfuck a bloody ravine through our champion
OH WAIT
LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT THE GREATEST WARRIOR IN THE WORLD ON OUR SIDE
HIS NAME IS RUSTUM AND HE JUST SECRETLY ARRIVED YESTERDAY
HOW COULD WE HAVE FORGOTTEN

so the Persians send a dude to go wake up Rustum
who is just jerkin’ off with his tent
eating gourmet meets and manhandling a falcon
this is what happens when you become a famous war guy
so yeah the messenger is like yo Rustum
there’s a dude out there who wants to fight a dude
do you wanna be that dude?
and Rustum is like no find a different dude
i’m busy jerkin’ it and manhandling this falcon
and the messenger is like oh i’m sorry
there must be a magician in this camp
who saw that I was trying to hit up Rustum the immortal war champion
and bamboozled me into visiting the tent of Rustum the UNBELIEVABLE WUSSNEXUS
boy that magician sure did a number on us didn’t he buddy
well i’ll just be leaving now
and Rustum is like FINE
I’LL DO IT
BUT I’M GONNA DO IT IN DISGUISE
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
and the messenger is like sure dude
whatever tickles your taint

so Rustum puts on some super anonymous armor and he goes out to the battlefield
and Sohrab sees him
and he INSTANTLY recognizes him as Rustum the immortal war dude
and he runs up to him like OH SHIT RUSTUM IS THAT YOU?
and Rustum is like hmm
if I tell him it’s me
he’s probably gonna shit himself with fear and then try and get me to accept gifts
and then boast to all his friends
that only the immortal war dude Rustum had the balls to challenge him
and that he bought me off with gifts
FIGGITY FUCK THAT
so he’s like NO BITCH I AIN’T NO RUSTUM
YOU KNOW WHAT I AM?
THE DUDE WHO IS ABOUT TO STAB YOU IN THE CHEST
and then they proceed to kung fu fight
but with sharp metal objects instead of kung fu

so basically Rustum is super strong
he is so strong he wields a fucking TREE as a club
but Sohrab is super fast
and so he just ends up dodging everything Rustum can throw at him
and getting his sword up against Rustum’s throat and being like alright dude
i think we’ve both made our respective points
yours being that you suck and mine being that I am awesome and i kicked your ass
I don’t really want to fight you that bad though
how about instead we adjourn to my tent and get shitfaced
and Rustum is like BOY
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR PRANCY-FANCE SISSY-BOY DODGING
WHASSAMATTER TUMBLECUNT?
WORRIED YOU MIGHT BREAK A NAIL?
HOW ABOUT I BREAK YOUR FAAAAAAAAAACE
and Sohrab is like fuck well okay I guess
and then they fight again

but see this time the battle is so intense that even NATURE gets excited
the sky starts shitting thunderbolts
and the river starts having a siezure
and then Rustum’s horse starts screaming
not whinnying, mind you
SCREAMING
and then Rustum gets so pissed off he turns into a pokemon
and just starts yelling RUSTUMMMMMM
and Sohrab is like OH SHIT DID SOMEONE SAY RUSTUM?
HOW DID THEY KNOW THAT THAT IS THE MAGIC WORD THAT MAKES ME DROP MY WEAPONS?
so he does and then Rustum stabs him
and that’s the end of that super dramatic battle

So Sohrab is lying in the dirt
dying
and he’s like my only regret
is that I totally never got to see my dad who I love so much
his name is Rustum maybe you have heard of him
and Rustum is like BULLSHIT
RUSTUM DIDN’T HAVE NO SONS
and Sohrab is like dude
Rustum is a goddamn war SUPERSTAR
you think he didn’t get a little poontang on the side?
I assure you he did my friend
he got poontang on ALL THE SIDES
and I am the result of some of that poontang
although I guess it is possible my mom told Rustum I was a girl
because she was afraid Rustum would train me for wars?
here look I even have Rustum’s name tattooed on my arm
what more proof do you need
and so rustum sees that shit
and he’s like FUUUUUUUUCK
THIS IS SO PREDICTABLY IRONIC
NOW I GOTTA BURY MY SON AND MOURN AND SHIT
and his son is like oh yeah
also
make sure to be double famous to make up for the fact that I’m dead now
and Rustum is like FUUUUUCK
FINE
I mean I’ll try
but I’m already getting poontang on all the sides
it is hard to upgrade from that
and Sohrab is like well you gotta try man
maybe upgrade to 4 dimensional shapes or something
just
tryyyy…
and then he dies
and Rustum lets the whole Tartan army go and doesn’t murder any of them
and then he mourns about his son and it’s awful

so the moral of the story
is you can either have sex indiscriminately
OR kill indiscriminately
doing both is a recipe for dramatic irony

the end