alright so Sinbad has just gotten back from risking his life 3 times
he has all this money and his financial security is more or less assured
so what time is it?
BOOZE AND WHORES TIME OF COURSE
and he wakes up some morning
all covered in confetti with his legs wrapped around a transvestite orangutan
and he is like oh shit where is all my money
I GUESS I BETTER GO RISK MY LIFE AGAIN

so he gets some merchandise and he gets on a boat
and there is a totally predictable storm
and BAM now they are all washed up on some island
but it is okay because here come some naked dudes
who invite them to have some really gross food
and sinbad is like ew this food is gross
but everyone else is like YUM YUM YUM
and they just keep eating it
and being really disgusting
and getting fat and stupid like fat stupid cows
and then the naked dudes eat them
but when it becomes clear that Sinbad is not going to become a fat stupid cow
everyone kind of forgets about him
and he wanders off
you know
starving to death
and some other dudes who are not naked or cannibals find him
and they are like dude come chill with us in our sweet kingdom
and the king is like holy shit your stories are AMAZING
lemme hook you up with some bitches and riches right quick
and suddenly Sinbad is A RICH MARRIED MOTHERFUCKER

but oh shit what is this
apparently there is a custom here where if your spouse dies
you get buried alive with their corpse
so you can starve to death and be sad AT THE SAME TIME
EFFICIENT
and what do you know
Sinbad’s wife dies
so everyone is like get the fuck in the hole asshole
and he is like i don’t wanna
and they’re like tough tits sugarlumps
and they chuck him in the pit
along with 7 days worth of food and water for some reason
and he decides to make that shit last AS LONG AS POSSIBLE
and then pretty soon some other poor chick gets lowered into the pitcave
to die of starvation with her dead husband
and she is like OH GOD PLEASE KILL ME
and Sinbad is like SURE NO PROBLEM
and beats her to death with a skeleton and steals her food
he does this OVER AND OVER AGAIN
and people give him MONEY FOR DOING IT
and that is how he survives
until eventually he finds a tunnel to the outside and a ship picks him up
and they give him even more sweet treasure and he goes back to Baghdad

so he gets back to Baghdad and he is like hm shit
every time i do one of these voyages i have to endure horrible tortures
and i almost die a lot
maybe i should stop doing voyages
OH WHOOPS LOOKS LIKE MY LOVE OF BOOZE AND WHORES OUTWEIGHS MY DESIRE TO KEEP LIVING
ADVENTURE AHOYYYYYYYYY
BUT WAIT
I’M NOT RISKING ENOUGH IN THIS ADVENTURE
HOW ABOUT I BUY A SHIP THIS TIME
SO THAT WHEN WE INEVITABLY ENCOUNTER A STORM I WILL LOSE EVEN MORE MONEY
so that is what he does
and he gets a crew
and they set off
and pretty much immediately Sinbad’s crew starts fucking up
because they stop on some island and they see another one of those huge rukh eggs
and they are like well we are suicidally reckless
how about we throw rocks at this thing til it breaks
then kill the baby
then steal its meat
this will surely not upset the GIANT BIRDPARENTS
so they come back to sinbad like hey bro want some chicken
and Sinbad is like YOU IDIOTS
YOU UNAPOLOGETIC SACKS FULL OF FREEBASED STUPIDITY
and then Rukhs show up and totally ruin the ship with rocks and nonsense
but Sinbad survives obviously
and he wakes up on some island
and he dicks around for a while until he finds some old man
and the old man is mute but he is basically like dude gimme a piggy back ride
and Sinbad is like well shit what else am i gonna do
so he picks this dude up
and all of a sudden the dude is like YAHHH BITCH
except he doesn’t say it with his words
he says it with FURIOUS KICKS TO THE CHEST
and this goes on for DAYS
until finally sinbad is like fuck this
I’m going to hollow out some pumpkins
fill them with grapes
and make WINE
so i will still be miserable
but at least i will be SHITFACED AS WELL
and he starts gettin tipsay
and the old man is like what the fuck is this
and sinbad is like i have been drinking my friend
would you like some booze
and the dude is like YESSSSSSS
and he has never had any drunksauce before so he gets WASTED
and eventually falls off Sinbad and sinbad chokes him to death
and then gets picked up by some dudes who are like whoa
you just killed the old man of the sea
good job

but wait
Sinbad can’t go home yet
he hasn’t made his booze and whores allowance yet
so they go to some island called the island of the apes
because there are apes and everyone has to sleep on boats at night
otherwise the apes with fuck them to death
if it was me i would probably just use the boats to FIND A DIFFERENT ISLAND
but anyway Sinbad gets lost and everyone forgets about him
and he’s like FUCK now i am stranded
but it’s okay because he is the ULTIMATE BUSINESSMAN
and he pretty much just makes a fortune selling coconuts
and then another ship comes and they make a whole shitload of money
and then he goes home and settles down for some sweet whoretimes

although actually
i think he might have a family at this point?
I don’t know when he had time to start a family
with all the boozing and whoring
and i don’t know where he puts his family while he repeatedly disappears for years
but he’s got one and he’ll be damned if he’s going to leave again
oh wait that’s a lie
he totally leaves again

so he gets on some other boat
which just immediately sinks
and then he gets washed up on an island with a bunch of other dudes
and there are all these other ships washed up there
with sweet mounds of cash piled up everywhere
and also big barrels of beef jerky
but the beef jerky has gone bad apparently
because everyone gets fever and dies
one by one
except sinbad
who instead of dying builds a raft
covers it with riches
and sails down some river he finds
which leads him through a cave and into this really sweet kingdom

so he wakes up in this sweet kingdom
and some dudes are like whoa where did you come from
and Sinbad tells them his story
and they are like WHOA
THAT IS ONE BADASS STORY
OUR KING HAS GOT TO HEAR THIS
man
i wish we still lived in an era
where someone might find me passed out on the sidewalk
and then i might tell them a really sweet story
and then they might take me to see the president
but anyway the king is totally all about sinbad
he gives him tons of cash and whatnot
but finally sinbad is like i gots to get home
and the king is like well ok give this incredibly valuable goblet to your king
along with a really nice letter i wrote
and Sinbad is like that is really nice of you
and then he goes home with a ton of money and NO FURTHER PROBLEMS

so then he’s at home for a while
and he is seriously prepared to not have to engage in any more bullshit EVER
but then the king of Baghdad or whatever calls him up like dude
that was a very pleasant letter you brought me
I want to send a thankyou note
and YOU ARE JUST THE MAN FOR THE JOB
and Sinbad is like well really dude I would rather not
and the king is like FUCKING DO IT YOU PIECE OF SHIT
and Sinbad is like sure dude ok
so he takes a thankyou note to the other king
and everything is going great
until he is heading back home and OH GUESS WHAT SOME PIRATES ATTACK
and then they sell sinbad into slavery
but his master is a pretty okay dude
he just has him clean up the house a little bit
oh yeah and POACH ELEPHANTS WITH A GODDAMN BOW AND ARROW
yeah Sinbad has to sit in a tree all day every day
shooting elephants in the head with arrows
until one day the elephants get sick of his shit
and knock over the tree
and drag him to a bigass pit full of elephant bones
like dude
there is so much ivory over here
why you gotta keep murdering us man
and then sinbad tells his master about that
and his master hooks him up with sweet bling of all sorts
and sets him free
and he gets on a boat and he gets some pearls too
and probably just a whole deluge of unspeakable riches
really it doesn’t even matter at this point
the idea i am getting
is that sinbad could eat nothing but gold coins pure cocaine for the rest of time
and it would not be a problem
seriously this dude is rich as fuck
and the story ends with him inviting the dude he has been telling this story to
(Sinbad the Landsman, remember?)
to just come live in his palace forever
and be equally rich
but without any of the requisite effort

so the moral of the story is pretty clear
try to have the same name as rich dudes
they will hook you up

the end.

I AM IN SAN FRANCISCO

and I am on my knees sacrificing goats in the honor of celebrity knife maniac
JANE DOE
for giving me some of her tainted murder dollars to tell this myth
HERE GOES

Alright so there’s this dude Sinbad right

Holy fucking shit this guy is simultaneously a huge idiot and an ultimate badass
When our story begins he is super fucking wealthy
And constantly having parties at his crib
And this other dude named Sinbad shows up
And Sinbad the sailor is like WHOA FUCK YOU HAVE THE SAME NAME AS ME
LEMME TELL YOU HOW I GOT SO RICH
IT WILL TAKE 7 DAYS
I HOPE YOU LIKE PARTIES
And here is how the story goes
Basically he’s the son of a wealthy merchant
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN EVERY GODDAMN ARABIAN MYTH
DID PEOPLE EVEN HAVE OTHER PROFESSIONS?
Anyway his dad dies and he gets a huge inheritance
But then he squanders it all on booze and whores
And wakes up one morning like fuck
Where is all my money
What are all my booze and whores?
Shit
Better make more money
I KNOW
I’LL BECOME A MERCHANT
So he gets some cloth and some other saleable shit
And gets on a boat
And they go stop on some island
And WHABAM STORM TIME
And everyone gets back on the ship
But Sinbad is TOOO FUCKING SLOW
So he gets left behind
And he is all sad but at least the island has a ton of food and shit
And then one day he runs into some dudes who are trying to catch seahorses
But not the kind you are thinking
ACTUAL HORSES
FROM THE SEA
And he tells these dudes his story
And the dudes are like HOLY SHIT THAT’S A GREAT STORY
YOU DESERVE A PROMINENT POSITION IN OUR GOVERNMENT
So Sinbad becomes the minister of trade
And then one day some dudes show up with a ship
And they are like hey we would like to sell some goods belonging to our dead friend
His name was Sinbad the Sailor
And Sinbad is like HOLY SHIT THAT’S MY NAME
And they’re like BULLSHIT
And he’s like NO SERIOUSLY
And they’re like OH SNAP DUDE LET’S GO MERCHANT THE FUCK OUT OF SHIT
And the king gives him a ton of gold as a parting gift
And they go make a ton more gold
And then eventually he goes back to Baghdad

So he IMMEDIATELY SPENDS ALL HIS MONEY ON BOOZE AND WHORES AGAIN
And plus he gets pretty bored not being in mortal peril all the time
So he is like WELP BETTER GET ON ANOTHER FUCKING BOAT
And AWAY HE GOES
So they all find this really sweet island
And Sinbad likes it SOOOOO MUCH
That he totally forgets to get back on his boat
And everybody leaves him behind
so he starts wandering around
and he finds this bigass egg
and a bigass bird called a Rukh sitting on the egg
and he’s like HOLY SHIT I JUST HAD A REALLY STUPID IDEA
I’MA TAKE MY TURBAN AND TIE IT TO THAT RUKH’S LEG
AND WHEN IT GOES OUT HUNTING
IT WILL CARRY ME SOMEWHERE AWESOME
So he does this incredibly dumb thing
And the bird does in fact carry him to someplace else
BUT GUESS WHAT
IT’S A DESERTED PLATEAU WITH NO MEANS OF ESCAPE
BUT GUESS WHAT
IT TURNS OUT THE GROUND IS COVERED IN DIAMONDS
BUT GUESS WHAT
THE DIAMONDS ARE COVERED IN SNAKES
HOLY SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STORY
And then while Sinbad is staring at all these snakes and diamonds
BAM a dead animal falls down in front of him
And he remembers some stories about how some merchants try to use dead bodies to fish for diamonds down here
Like the diamonds stick to the corpses
And then birds carry the corpses up and the merchants scare them away and take the diamonds
So Sinbad fills his pockets with diamonds and grabs onto this dead animal
And SHO NUFF
HERE COMES A BIRD AND LIFTS HIM UP
And then he sees some merchants and gives them diamonds and everyone is pals
And they make a ton of cash and then he goes back to Baghdad

So he’s back in Baghdad!
BOOZE AND WHORES TIME
OOP GUESS I GOTTA GO ON ANOTHER ADVENTURE
So he gets on another boat
And they are boating around
When OH SHIT HERE COMES THE ISLAND OF THE APES
IT IS LIKE THE PLANET OF THE APES BUT JUST AN ISLAND
AND WHAT THE APES DO IS STEAL YOUR BOAT
So now they have no boat
So they find a house that CLEARLY belongs to an ogre
And they’re like welp better sleep here
And of course the ogre comes home and murders some of them
And then they are like should we leave?
NAH
And stay there ANOTHER night and the ogre eats MORE of them
At which point they are like we should seriously leave huh?
Maybe we should build some rafts?
And then poke out his eyes?
So they do that
And the ogre and his wife chase them but they escape
To an island where they get eaten by SNAKES
But Sinbad escapes by tying himself to a tree with his turban
And then when that doesn’t work he just staples a bunch of logs to his body
so he’s too big to eat
and then he finds some boat dudes
and they take him to some other boat dudes
who HAPPEN TO HAVE HIS FUCKING STUFF
so that’s cool
and then he makes a ton more money and goes back to Baghdad again
and I’m gonna tell the rest on Tuesday cause this fucker is LONG

NO END IN SIGHT