Okay so yes this is a little late I’m still on East Coast time assholes

anyway Zeus right
he is experimenting with potential hiding places for his penis
all over this chick Metis
he has already tried all the usual options
armpit
ear canal
that place that is like an armpit but it is behind your knee
and you don’t put deodorant on it
or at least I don’t
but actually i dont think the greeks put deodorant anywhere
anyway he’s running out of penis hollows
when he is like wait a second
there is this thing called a vagina i keep hearing about
i wonder if that would be a good place for my penis
well shit only one way to find out
hey metis get over here i need to use your vagina for science
(this is an excellent pick up line by the way
try it at home)
so then they have sex obviously
but clearly zeus has not thought this shit through
i mean when does he ever think this shit through
because see there is this prophecy floating around
that zeus is gonna have a kid that is gonna be more powerful than him
and zeus hears about this shit and he is like WHAT
COME ON
WE CAN’T HAVE THAT
and then someone else tells him that the way you have kids
is by hiding your penis in vaginas for extended periods of time
and zeus is like what seriously
fuckkckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
HEY METIS
GET OVER HERE
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME WITH YOU AND MAYBE FORCE YOU TO HAVE AN ABORTION
and metis is like ok what is this game you are talking about
and zeus is like how bout a shapeshifting contest
and metis is like i dont see how this could possibly go wrong
okay i am a chainsaw now
and zeus is like I AM BUTTER
and metis is like I AM A SALAD
and zeus is like I AM TWO CATS FUCKING
and metis is like FORM OF A GLASS OF WATER
and zeus is like I’M A WHOLE BUCKET OF TACOS
and metis is like OH YEAH WELL I’M A FLY NOW
and zeus is like BAM BITCH THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR
and he eats her
thus effectively solving all his problems forever
but actually his problems are not solved at all
because nine months later
he gets this bonerkilling headache
that kills all his boners with such ferocity
that he actually has hephpaestus split open his head with a shovel
and BOOM
HERE COMES ATHENA
SPRINGING FULLY FORMED OUT OF ZEUS’S BRAINWOMB
and zeus is like aw fuck now i gotta pay child support

so the moral of the story is
always wear a condom
because otherwise
you are going to have to resort to an impromptu skull c-section
with a shovel

It’s good to be back.

Guys I have an announcement:
(Don’t worry there is a totally sweet myth under all this lame text)

I am really fucking tired
I need to take a break from doing this blog
for about a couple of weeks
to recover from grad apps, pending illness, travel
and also maybe have time to actually put all the links in these posts
where they are SUPPOSED TO BE
AND NEVER END UP BEING BECAUSE I MAKE POSTS FASTER THAN I DO LINKS
Tuesday is going to be my last post until JANUARY FIRST 2011
so between tuesday and January 1st
try not to die of withdrawal or something?
Additionally if anyone wants to do guest myths now would be the time
lemme know in the comments and we’ll work something out.

OK SO MYTH NOW

Ixion, right?
fuuuuuuck this guy
so first of all
this takes place WAYYY back in the day
back before assholes like Medea and Thyestes
when the bar for being a completely incomprehensible toolshed of a human being
was set pretty low
well guess how it got set so high?
THAT’S RIGHT
IXION

basically what he does
is he marries this chick Dia
which is great
except apparently women cost money in ancient greece
payable directly to their fathers upon marriage
but see Ixion kind of forgets to pay any money at all
so Dia’s dad Deioneus is like
ok well fine
i guess if you aren’t going to pay me
I’m going to pay you
in ANTIHORSES
by which I mean I am going to steal your horses
BAM

so Ixion gets wind of this
and he is like what the fuck
all i was trying to do was liberate women
because paying their fathers money for them
just strengthens the unjust marrying-off-your-daughters industry
(see what Ixion has done here
is he has invented the ancient greek version of bittorrent
but for sex
which is sadly the only thing modern bittorrent cannot provide
YET)
no really dude I am a humanitarian
excuse me while i invite you over to my house for dinner
and then push you into these hot coals I found
thus burning you alive
oh hey aren’t you my father in law?
guess that makes me the FIRST PERSON EVER TO KILL A MEMBER OF MY OWN FAMILY
WHO WAS ALSO A GUEST IN MY HOME
wow I’m just racking up points huh
I actually feel a little bit shitty about this
maybe that is enough to convince my neighbors to absolve me of my sins

turns out nope
no one wants to go near this guy
you have to understand
this kind of bullshit was literally INCOMPREHENSIBLE before Ixion did it
or maybe people thought about it
but they never actually ACTED on those thoughts
so everyone is just like shit dude
you’re on your own
and Ixion is like WHY ME
ALL I DID WAS STEAL MY WIFE AND THEN SET HER DAD ON FIRE
and zeus hears him crying
and is like now THIS is a dude i can sympathize with
hey Ixion do you want to come up to Olympus
we’re having a party
we got booze and hot chicks
and Ixion is like now hold on a second
you’re not going to try and make me pay MONEY for those hot chicks are you
and zeus is like fuck no what do you take me for
some sort of dude who doesn’t like getting laid for free or something?

so Ixion shows up at the party
and immediately sees this chick who is a seven-layered hummus dip
of pure sexy attractiveness
like
his eyes straight up do that thing
where they shoot out like seven feet in front of him
and make foghorn noises
except wait it isn’t his eyes it’s his dick i’m sorry

now normally this would not be a problem
i mean this is basically ALL BACCHUS EVER DOES AT THESE EVENTS
if not for one little problem
which is that this sexy honey Ixion has his balls set on
is HERA
and rumor starts getting around that Ixion is trying to bang her
now, zeus is of course legendary for his infidelity
(although to be fair this myth may take place before most of that shit
but actually
trying to establish a chronological canon for greek mythology
is kind of like trying to establish a canonical chronology
for a cannon
while it is constantly firing cannonballs at you
also the cannonballs are full of angry ferrets)
but regardless Zeus cannot ABIDE by the idea
that some dude might be mindcaressing his womantrophy with his eyedicks
but he likes Ixion for some reason
so he decides to give him the benefit of the doubt
and test him to see if any of this shit is true

so what Zeus does
is he makes a fully functional Hera sex doll out of clouds
and then Ixion sees it
and he is like OH DAMN
and he fucks it to PIECES
and gets it PREGNANT
wait PREGNANT?
WHAT?
THIS JUST IN SCIENTISTS
CLOUDS HAVE UTERUSES NOW
GREAT JOB EVERYONE
THERE GOES MY FANTASY OF JACKING OFF OUT AN AIRPLANE WINDOW
yeah and then cloudhera has a baby
a baby named centaurus
who is a total asshole and rapes a chick and fathers a race of monsters
give you three guesses what that race ends up being called
no not gremlins
or chupacabras
give up?
CENTAURS! DING DING DING CORRECT

meanwhile Zeus gets pretty super pissed
and duct tapes Ixion to a giant wheel of fire
you know
as you tend to do when someone impregnates a replica you made of your wife
and Ixion rolls around the sky for a while
screaming, etc
until everyone gets tired of listening to him and they put him in Tartarus

I think we have all learned something today
which is NEVER fuck clouds
no matter how voluptuous or lifelike they appear
because they are going to get pregnant
and you are going to end up on fire
and anyway I hear clouds don’t put out

the end.

Alright

So remember a long long LONG time ago
when I told you I would tell you
where the golden fleece is from?
well guess what
TODAY IS FINALLY THAT DAY WHERE I DO THAT

so there’s this dude Phrixus right
god i really want to spell his name Phryxis
so THAT’S HOW IT’S GOING TO BE SPELLED NOW
so Phryxis
like most greeks
is the son of a king and a goddess
specifically some bit character goddess named Nephele
goddess of clouds
seriously why do you need a goddess of clouds
you already have a god of wind
(Aeolus)
and a god of water
(Poseidon)
and a god of fucking THUNDERSTORMS
(Zeus!)
SO WHAT IS THERE LEFT FOR NEPHELE TO DO?
well apparently get knocked up
and then abandon her kid
to be raised by her mortal husband and his evil second wife
Ino

now get ready for the shock of the century
you see Ino
DOES NOT LIKE PHRYXIS VERY MUCH
neither does she like Phryxis’s twin sister
Helle
whose name disappointingly does not rhyme with her brother’s at all
and Ino comes up with this CRAFTY PLOT
(read: incredibly convoluted tomfoolery)
to make Phryxis and his sister dead
what she does
is she collects all the seeds in the entire kingdom
and she BAKES THEM
rendering them useless
so when the peasants go to plant them
they are like oh what the fuck is THIS
now we are going to starve to death
what do we do
oh I know
let’s go see the oracle at delphi
BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS ALREADY

so they go and see the oracle
and Ino meets them on the way back and bribes them
like hey
here’s some cured ham and some dildos
tell everyone the oracle said to kill my stepchildren
wait hold on
THAT’s her plan?
what if no one had decided to go to the oracle?
what then?
sit at home and starve to death?
and actually, she’s going to starve to death either way
EVERYONE is going to starve to death
BECAUSE SHE RUINED ALL THE CROPS FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR
and even on top of that
she probably didn’t even need to bribe those farmers to lie
because the oracle ONLY says things that result in families disintegrating
and/or people dying horribly
no matter how you look at it
this is a horrible plan
this is a worse plan
than playing chicken with a rhino
ass first

Ino’s shitty plan works perfectly
everyone is like welp i guess we need to kill some children
that’s always solved our agricultural problems in the past
but just then i guess Nephele gets tired of being a shitty mom
and sends a golden sheep to her kids’ rescue
now a golden sheep does not sound particularly useful in this situation
or really in any situation at all imaginable ever
unless i guess you needed to knit a golden sweater
but no one needs to knit a golden sweater
just like no one NEEDS to get hornfucked by a rhinoceros
but this is not just any golden sheep
this is a golden sheep that can FLY
so Phryxis and Helle jump on its back
and they TAKE OFF

but all is not well
because apparently women are not designed
to fly on golden animals
that are themselves not designed to fly
because Helle passes out and drowns in the ocean
but who gives a shit because Phryxis makes it to Colchis
where there is this king Aeetes
and Aeetes is like sup dude
and Phryxis is like me
i am flying on a golden sheep
and you know what
I am so grateful not to be dead like my sister
i am going to kill it
and give you its skin
and then marry your daughter
and then father four of the dudes
who are going to come back here later
and steal your fleece
thus ending your empire
as per prophecy
and that is what happens in the argonautica

so the moral of the story
is beware of strangers bearing gifts
if the gift is a levitating farm animal
made of precious metals

the end.

Hey first off
does anyone want to put in the menial labor necessary
to link together all these myths
and put tags on them
because I’m doing it
but I’m doing it slower than i’m writing new myths
and i’m lazy/don’t have infinite time

Oh look a greek myth

so there’s this chick Psyche right
and before you ask
no this is not where the term psyche comes from
because this story has nothing to do with brains
it has to do with boning and death
so i guess this is just one of those things
where it’s a cognate
but it’s false
what’s the word for that?
oh yeah
BULLSHIT

anyway Psyche may not be the smartest pea in the brainpod
or she may be
myth does not say one way or the other
but either way
she is HOTTER THAN TABASCO FLAVORED LAVA
DIPPED IN SUPERMODELS
she has two sisters
but no one gives a shit about them
because THEY
are not nearly as hot
and hotness is the only metric by which any woman CAN EVER BE JUDGED

now i am not just blowing smoke up your ass
when i say Psyche was the hottest thing ever to wear a toga
she is so hot
everyone is like
guys i know we’ve been worshipping venus for like YEARS now
but this chick is WAYYYY hotter
PLUS
THIS CHICK MIGHT ACTUALLY DO US

so obviously Venus gets wind of this and she is like OH NO SHE DIDNT
HEY CUPID
GO MAKE THIS CHICK FALL IN LOVE WITH A MONSTER
and cupid is like sure mom no problem
but then he actually SEE psyche
and he pops a boner SO HARD
it knocks the arrow right out of his bow
and into his face
causing him to fall instantly in love with Psyche
although this step was probably unnecessary
considering how she is HOTTER THAN HABANERO PEPPERS MARINATED IN THE MOLTEN CORE OF THE EARTH AND SERVED WITH A CREAMY TITS GARNISH

so years go by
and cupid is a total limp dick
and does nothing about it
other than refuse to make ANY OTHER DUDES fall in love with her apparently
seeing as no one tries to so much as hit on this most bodacious of babes
right up until the point that her dad is like
WELP I NEED TO MAKE SOME BAD DECISIONS
HOW ABOUT WE ASK THE ORACLE AT DELPHI WHY YOU AREN’T GETTING LAID

so the oracle at delphi
SURPRISE SURPRISE
gives an answer that makes everything worse
which is HEY
YOUR DAUGHTER IS GONNA MARRY A MONSTER
ABANDON HER ON A MOUNTAIN
so they do
and cupid sees this
and he is like OH SNAP
THIS LOOKS LIKE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY
FOR CLASSY RAPE
so he conjures up some wind and BOOM
Psyche is standing in front of his sweetass mansion
but he is nowhere to be found
he gets on the PA system
and he is like hey the house is yours basically
I’m just going to show up every night and bang the shit out of you
it is extremely important that you never try and see who i am
mainly because i have commitment issues
and also I don’t want you to see me for some reason

so Psyche is pretty okay with this
because she gets a mansion
and nightly mindblowing sexytimes
but then one day her spiteful bitch sisters show up
and they are like hey
what’s your husband like
and Psyche is like umm uhh
and they are like I BET HE’S A SNAKE OR SOMETHING
you should probably violate the ONE SINGLE RULE
which he has asked you to obey
and Psyche is like i don’t see a problem with this
SEE PEOPLE
SEE HOW THIS STORY IS NOT ABOUT PEOPLE BEING SMART

So the next night Psyche once again has incredible bonertimes
with the god of love
but this time
once he passes out
she busts out a lantern
the better to see him with
and a knife
in case he is too ugly to live
and it turns out
GASP
HE IS CUPID
Psyche is so shocked by this
that she proceeds to spill hot oil all over her lover
who wakes up like WHAT HEY OW
OH SHIT YOU HAVE A KNIFE NOT AGAIN I’M OUT OF HERE
leaving Psyche alone and miserable
THANKS A LOT, WORTHLESS SISTERS

so Psyche spends the next many years
wandering around feeling sorry for herself
until Venus takes pity on her
oh wait did i say pity
I meant REVENGE
MORE NEEDLESS REVENGE
yeah she catches up with Psyche in a place called Murtia
and she is like hey bitch
how about sort these fucking seeds i found
while guarded by sorrow and despair
and some ants show up like HEY PSYCHE WE ARE YOUR ANIMAL PALS
HERE TO HELP
WE LOVE ORGANIZING SEEDS
and then Venus is like oh yeah
well how about hike to this super deadly waterfall
and get me some jewels from it
and zeus is like OH SHIT WOMEN ARE BAD AT HIKING
BETTER TURN INTO AN EAGLE AND WARP JUMP HER TO THE END
AND CONSPICUOUSLY FAIL TO RAPE HER THE WHOLE WAY
wait

WAIT

HOLD ON NOW

Zeus turns into an eagle
picks up the demonstrably HOTTEST CHICK ALIVE
and FAILS play hide-the-omnipotent-sausage with her?
I call BULLSHIT
but that is beside the point
cause THEN Venus is like ok fine
well how about go to HELL
and get me some coffin or something
I don’t even know
I’m seriously JUST DOING THIS TO KILL YOU
see
this is what the twelve labors of hercules would have been
if Eurystheus had ALSO been Hera
and hercules didn’t have super strength
and was cripplingly depressed all the time

so obviously Psyche dies
but Cupid is like dammit mom what the fuck
I’m telling Zeus
and Zeus is like FUCK THIS
EVERYBODY IS CONSTELLATIONS NOW
so Psyche becomes stars forever

so the moral of the story
is don’t listen to your ugly sisters
if you are getting fucked senseless nightly
by the invisible man
your life is basically paradise
unless you are a straight man i guess
then it would be more like prison
invisible prison
invisiprison?

The end.

Back to some Greek shit

Alright so Pan, right?
he’s the dude with the flute
always getting shitfaced and starting musical duels he CANNOT WIN
basically there’s this story
about how one time his dad Hermes
was like HEY SON
THERE’S THIS BRAND NEW DANCE MOVE CALLED MASTURBATION
HERE IS HOW TO DO IT
and Pan is like oh shit this is SWEET
I’m gonna teach this to some SHEPHERDS
and that is where we get masturbation

but guys
the real story here is not this story
but the story
of the dude
who used to TELL this story
his name is Diogenes
and he is the ultimate hobo

so this guy
he gets born in this place Sinope
his dad is a super important bank dude
and Diogenes uses this fact
to DEFACE ALL OF THE MONEY IN SINOPE
WITH A CHISEL
why?
because he hits up the oracle at delphi one time
and the oracle is like
DEFACE THE CURRENCY
and Diogenes is just like welp ok
but then he gets exiled
so he realizes maybe the oracle gave him TERRIBLE ADVICE AS USUAL
but no
he decides instead that it is his fault for misinterpreting
some REALLY OBVIOUS BAD ADVICE
and decides to deface the “political currency” of Greece

what the fuck does that mean?
well apparently
it means live in a bathtub
in the market square
bathe in the fountain
and jack off all over the fresh vegetables
sometimes people are all like BUT DIOGENES
IT’S WRONG TO MASTURBATE IN THE MARKET SQUARE
but Diogenes is just like I WISH I COULD SOLVE HUNGER
BY JACKING OFF MY STOMACH

one day Plato is walking around being a tool
like Plato tends to do
and he is like guess what
Socrates once defined man
as a featherless biped
pretty cool huh?
at which point Diogenes comes running into the room
with a plucked chicken
like LOOK PLATO I FOUND YOU A MAN
DON’T YOU FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE
and Plato does kind of feel like an asshole
in fact he amends the defenition of a human
to include flat toenails
thus solving the problem forever

so one thing leads to another
and Diogenes finds himself on a boat
that gets jacked by pirates
and he gets sold as a slave to this dude Xeniades
and Xeniades is like hey slave what are you good at
and Diogenes is like all I can do is rule over people
also masturbate in public
sell me to someone who needs to be dominated
and Xeniades is like TUTOR MY KIDS

so that’s what Diogenes does for basically the rest of his life
except at one point
when Alexander the Great shows up while he is napping
and is like hey dude
big fan
anything I can do for you?
and Diogenes is like yeah
get the fuck out of my sunlight
and Alexander the Great is like shit
i kind of wish I was this guy
and conspicuously fails to murder him in any way
and Diogenes lives happily ever after
still occasionally living in a bathtub
even though he has a fucking house and everything

so the moral of the story is
success comes in many forms
be it a career in finance
or a career in public masturbation and insulting people
the choice is yours

The End.