HORSECOCK

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17

Alright guys
you keep showing up in droves
(especially yesterday thanks to cracked again
and the fucking huffington post
also this crocheting forum called ravelry
what the fuck thank you guys)
so I have to keep making announcements
first off, do you guys like shirts?
I know sometimes I have problems being clothed
and when those problems happen it is good to have shirts
see i had this idea:
I could make some shirts with the morals of some of the myths on them
like the moral of this one or this one
and maybe you would like those?
let me know,
and also let me know what morals you would like if you would like any

secondly you guys should show up tomorrow
because I am going to start doing a video retelling
of THE BOOK OF EXODUS
because god-like hero Anne “The Man” Murderfist gave me money

SO TODAY’S MYTH
is courtesy of this dude Cavalorn
you don’t know it but he’s basically the reason most of you know about my blog
AND HIS MYTH IS ABOUT A HORSECOCK

So Norway right

there is this family living there
it is a family of truly fucked up individuals
there is a mommy and a daddy
and a boy and a girl
and two slaves
because it is still cool to have slaves in the 14th century
and also a dog
the dog and one of the slaves are not that fucked up but everyone else is
HERE’S WHY
so one day the family’s horse dies
and they are pretty hungry so they are like well let’s eat this
so the slave guy skins it
and he cuts off its meatpole and is about to throw it away
like a normal person would do
EVERYBODY WITH ME SO FAR?
GOOD
so the son goes ahead and STEALS IT
it being the horsecock
WHY WOULD YOU STEAL A HORSECOCK
IT’S NOT PARTICULARLY UNCOMMON OR VALUABLE
IT’S HUGE AND UNWIELDY TO CARRY
AND
IT’S A FUCKING HORSECOCK
apparently the answer is:
so he can harass his female relatives with it
he runs into the house like HEY LADIES
LOOK AT THIS HERE HORSECOCK
I BET YOU WANT TO STUFF THIS IN YOUR VAGINAS
SHIT GUYS I WOULD STUFF IT IN MY VAGINA IF I HAD A VAGINA
BUT I DON’T SO THERE YOU GO
and the slave girl thinks this is funny as shit actually
the sister thinks this is pretty messed up
and the mom thinks this is a GENUINE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
so she confiscates the horsecock
and she dries it in herbs and shit
and she MAKES IT HER NEW GOD
in fact every day before they go to sleep
she makes the whole family sit around in the circle
and everyone has to hold the horsecock
and recite a verse over it
and because of all these verses
and also because of the POWER OF SATAN
the horsecock grows to an even more unreasonable size
and gains the ability to STAND UP ON ITS OWN
although honestly
a penis having the ability to stand up on its own
is not really cause for alarm
it is really more of a cause for sex
or shame
or both
remember this is a christian myth

so obviously word gets around
that this family has a sweet new dick-shaped diety living in their house
and eventually words gets all the way around
to this dude King Olaf
this super christian monarch who is going around fucking up heathens
and he hears about this shit and he is like WHAT
PEOPLE CAN WORSHIP HORSE BONERS NOW?
UNACCEPTABLE
IF WE ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE
PEOPLE WILL BE JUST HARVESTING SWATHES UPON SWATHES
OF EQUINE KIELBASA
WE WILL HAVE A SERIOUS HORSEDICK SHORTAGE ALL UP IN THIS LAND
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WITHOUT HORSECOCKS HOW CAN HORSES AIM THEIR PEE
THERE WILL BE HORSE PISS EVERYWHERE
IT WILL BE A DISASTER
this must be stopped

so Olaf gets a couple of his buddies
and they all go over to this family’s house
and they just walk in the front door
and sit down in the living room
and eventually the sister comes in and she is like um hey
who the fuck are you guys
and Olaf is like my name is Grimnir
and his buddies are like oh err
we are ALSO Grimnir
3X CLEVER COMBO
and the chick is like oh ok cool
lemme get my family i think it’s about time to worship the horsecock

so everyone comes in
and they all sit down
to pass this swollen member around
like a game of hot potato
but with less potatoes
more poetry
and also you are holding a horsecock
so basically ADVANCED hot potato
and the game goes a little something like this:

the wife is like BOY DO I LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the husband is like I SURE DO NOT LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the son is like HAHA THIS IS A PENIS THAT’S STILL FUNNY
and the daughter is like FUCK YOU BRO
and the slave guy is like I WOULD LIKE BREAD BUT INSTEAD I HAVE THIS HORSECOCK
and the slave girl is like OH MAN IF I WAS ALONE WITH THIS HORSECOCK
and Olaf’s dudes are like I’VE BEEN HANDED SOME WEIRD SHIT BUT THIS WINS
and then Olaf is like YEAH I’M PRETTY MUCH JUST GONNA FEED THIS TO THE DOG
BAM
and then the dog eats it

and the wife is like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
and Olaf is like what
i thought i was supposed to hand the horsecock to the next member of the family
do you not consider the dog to be part of your family?
RACIST
oh by the way I’m king Olaf and you should convert to christianity
and the wife is like no way
and God shows up like you fucking better or i’ll cut you
and the wife is like CHRISTIANITY HOORAY
and no one has to worship a horsecock ever again

So the moral of the story

is next time you are picking an object to worship
a good question to ask yourself is
would a dog eat this?
if the answer is yes then you need to do some thinking

The end.

Cuchulainn Rapes His Way To Success

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So first off i just want to say whats up
to the like nine trillion new people who have showed up to my blog
over the past couple days
thanks to a combination of Neil Gaiman and Cracked.com and some other shit
I will try to make the myth today extra sweet for you guys

oh also ANNOUNCEMENT TIME
so some of you may have noticed all my sweet shirtless videos
where i wear weird hats and yell about epic wars and junk
well I have wanted to do something with them for a while
but now that i probably have more readers i think it’s worth asking
is anyone good at animating stuff?
because i think it would be super sweet if my videos were animated
if you want to animate my videos I will split the glory with you
60/40
WHERE DO YOU EVEN EVER GET DEALS LIKE THAT
Also if I get an animator I will do a video retelling of the book of revelations
even though I usually only do those when people give me money

ANYWAY

So there’s this dude Cuchulainn right

you may remember him as the guy
who tied himself to a rock with his own intestines
rather than STOP MURDERING FOR EVEN A SECOND
well this myth takes place earlier in his life
back when he still had all his intestines in his body
see Cuchulainn wants to bang this chick Emer
so her dad
FORGAL THE WILY
is like shit I should check up on this guy who wants to bang my daughter
so he rolls on over to Cuchulainn’s pad
and hangs out for like ten minutes
to watch Cuchulainn win at EVERYTHING
like this dude is winning at JUMPING
and SWIMMING
and FISTS
and BAKING
and so Forgal is like shiiiiiit
if this guy marries my daughter he might win at SEXING as well
I can’t have that
luckily i’m Forgal the Wily not Forgal the Dumbass
I have a plan
HEY CUCHULAINN
and Cuchulainn is like WHAAAAAAT
and in the process he wins at yelling
and Forgal is like dude you know what you should do
go train with this incredibly deadly warrior maiden named Scathach
she lives on an island surrounded by a whole bunch of shit
that will definitely murder you
and then if that stuff doesn’t murder you probably she will murder you
and Cuchulainn is like PERFECT

so he sets out with his two homies
Laegaire Battle Winner
and Connall the Victorious
except both of them puss out almost immediately
and are like sorry dude gotta go uh
wash our beards
yes
which makes me think that these dudes got their sweet nicknames
by not actually BEING IN ANY FUCKING BATTLES
but Cuchulainn is world champion of not giving a fuck so it’s okay

so the first bullshit he has to deal with
is this bigass field full of razor sharp grass
that can like impale your feet and give you aids
guys this is either some kind of magic
or Cuchulainn is in the alleyway behind my apartment
but it’s ok because apparently instead of feet
Cuchulainn has DENSE CLUSTERS OF IMPENETRABLE MANHOOD
so i’m pretty sure the grass is actually afraid of what would happen
if it even dared to impale him

then he’s gotta go through a field with all these beasts in it
but he just grabs those fuckers
and stuffs them down each others’ throats
basically turning them into a huge turducken of murder
murducken
you’re welcome

BUT THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE STUPID BULLSHIT PARADE
because then there is this bridge
it is the shittiest bridge ever
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BUILD A BRIDGE THAT GOES VERTICAL WHEN YOU TRY TO CROSS IT
THIS SEEMS TO ME TO DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF BRIDGES
IF YOU HAVE A VERTICAL BRIDGE
THAT’S BASICALLY JUST
A SHITTY LADDER
but anyway Cuchulainn sees this fucking tilty bridge
and he is like no problem i can handle this
but it turns out nope
no he can’t handle this
he tries three times and comes back with thirty one flavors of failure
until finally he is like AAAA FUCK THIS
and SALMON LEAPS ACROSS THE BRIDGE IN A FURIOUS RAGE
I wish I could draw you a picture of this
because it’s basically the best thing ever in my mind

anyway finally he gets to Scathach’s place
and pretty much just threatens her with his sword until she’s like ok ok
i’ll train you
so she trains him and meanwhile he fucks her daughter
then she finishes training him
and is like hey you’re pretty great at warrior
how about you go beat the shit out of this friend of mine
i gave her this sweet spear a while back called the GAE BULGA
it’s basically this super barbed spear that like needlefucks your organs
you should steal it
and Cuchulainn is like HAHAHAHA YOU SAID GAE
but then he goes and beats the shit out of Scathach’s friend Aoife
although honestly
i dunno what kind of friend sics a dude like Cuchulainn on her friends
because after he’s done beating the shit out of Aoife
I guess he doesn’t feel victorious enough
so he rapes her
and then she gets pregnant
and she is like hey Cuchulainn what should we name our oh shit where’d you go
dammit what happened to my gae bulga
CUCHULAINNN

so naturally she is a little pissed off at this dude
so she proceeds to enact the most cockamamy revenge scheme possible
which is she puts a spell on her kid so he can’t say his name
or who his parents are
and then when he’s like 13 or whatever
Aoife is like hey go see your rapedad
so this kid shows up at his rapedad’s place
and Cuchulainn is like who the fuck are you
but the kid can’t say
you know
BECAUSE OF MAGIC
so Cuchulainn is like BITCH I ASKED YOU A QUESTION
and the kid still can’t say shit
and Cuchulainn is like I WILL TEACH YOU TO NOT ANSWER MY QUESTIONS
OR NO YOU KNOW WHAT
ACTUALLY I’LL JUST KILL YOU
so he does
but then it turns out he just killed his son
PRANKED
some scholars believe that Aoife was just really bad at planning revenge
but i prefer to think of this
as a really really late term abortion

so the moral of the story
is sometimes actions have consequences
but that only matters
if you’re not manly enough to KILL THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS

THE END

The Greeks Do Not Have a Monopoly on Bestiality

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Ok so horsefucking

I promised it, and now i am delivering on that promise
i am delivering a big wet trough full of horsecock
you’re welcome

so this takes place after the Aesir and Vanir have stopped fighting
and the giants are pretty much leaving everyone alone
and everything is pretty okay
and so obviously Odin has to go and fuck it all up
by making a shitty deal with a giant
he is like hey giant
bet you can’t build a wall around my entire city
in the time it takes a woman to get preggers and pop out a baby
and the giant is like what do i get if I win
and odin is like hm shit
i’m kind of low on cash right now
how about freyja
also the sun and the moon
i don’t really need those anyway
so the giant is like sweet ok
and odin is like oh
and if you can’t finish the wall in time i get it for free
and the giant is like sure dude whatever

so a couple weeks later the giant shows up
along with a dude he brings along SPECIFICALLY for the purpose
of impregnating some chick
more or less turning her into a living hourglass
WITH BABIES INSTEAD OF SAND
and he is like ok i brought a dude
do you have any virgins he can borrow
you know
for sex
and odin is like oh yeah hold on
lemme just reach into my big sack of virgins
here’s one
go nuts
so the dude goes nuts
and the chick gets pregnant
and the next day WORK BEGINS

now Odin is pretty confident
that there is no way the giant can build a proper wall in time
like
Asgard is pretty much HUGE
I mean they had to build a six mile long feast hall
just to accommodate Thor’s LEFT NUT
so Odin just sits back and prepares to have a partially finished wall
TOTALLY FOR FREE
you don’t become a god by being bad with money guys
this is a fact

BUT OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
the giant and his unreasonably strong horse
are putting up this wall LIKE IT IS GOING OUT OF STYLE
the chick with the baby is like
just barely starting to feel incredible discomfort
and the wall is ALMOST TOTALLY FINISHED
and Odin is like oh shit oh shit I might have to pay this giant
for all the work that he’s doing
that is UNACCEPTABLE
so he calls up loki like OH FUCK LOKI SOLVE MY PROBLEMS
and loki is like what why
and Odin is like REMEMBER HOW WE HAVE AN OATH OF KINSHIP
THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY?
and Loki is like oh yeah
i guess that’s a thing we did
why the fuck did we do that
and Odin is like DOESN’T MATTER STALL THAT GIANT

so loki is like shiiiiit
i’m a pussy
I can’t stop a giant
but WAIT!
I can conquer his horse!
WITH SEX!
so he turns into a superhot sexalicious girlhorse
with her ladyparts all distended and pungent
and the manhorse gets a whiff of that shit
and is like I AM CALLING A TIME OUT ON ALL THIS WORKING
a SEX TIMEOUT
(guys feel free to use sex timeouts in your everyday life
i know you were all struggling for some way to justify
dropping everything you are doing
and just having a bunch of sex
well NOW YOU HAVE THAT JUSTIFICATION)
so then the giant is like fuuuuuuuuuck
how am i going to finish this wall without my powerhorse
I feel like I may have been cheated by odin just now
I’m going to go yell at him

so he goes to odin’s room like ODIN WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY HORSE
and odin is like i dunno what you’re talking about
and the giant is like FUCK THIS I’M TAKING FREYJA
and Freyja is like whoa what
because apparently Odin completely forgot to tell her about this deal
and the giant is like hey everyone
tough tacos
freyja is coming with me
and Freyja is like THORRRRR
and thor magically appears like what
oh you need me to kill a giant?
yeah alright
so he kills the giant
thus once again saving Odin from the consequences of his shitty actions

meanwhile Loki is off in the forest
getting his bone on with a megahorse
and a couple months later he finally comes back to Asgard
leading the horse
and also another SMALLER HORSE
but what this horse lacks in size
it makes up for in TOO MANY LEGS
yes sir
this is
THE OCTOHORSE
(aka Sleipnir)
and Odin is like oh shit horses
give me those
and loki is like NUP
I’m totally giving ultrahorse to Freyja
and Odin is like can I at least have octohorse
and Loki is like only if i don’t have to do what you say anymore
and Odin is like fuck
FINE
and loki is like sure you can have that horse
HAHA PRANKED IT CAME OUT OF MY HORSE VAGINA
and Odin is like ew ick
i still want the horse though

so the moral of the story
is if you want to murder your workmen instead of paying them
that is okay
but only if you REALLY don’t want to pay them

the end.

There Are Not a Lot of Things Freya Won’t Do For Jewelry

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Okay so apparently the overwhelming consensus is Freyja
I did not know how many fans I had who A:
Like freyja
and B:
use either a single letter or a single number for their WHOLE FUCKING NAME
HOWS THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU A
ARE YOU ALWAYS FIRST ON ALPHABETICAL LISTS
OF ALL THE JERKS IN THE WORLD

but see apparently it is difficult to find a myth about Freyja
in which her main role
isn’t just as something people give each other
this is because THE NORSE APPEAR TO TREAT WOMEN AS CURRENCY
but don’t worry guys I found one
(plus a sweet one about horsefucking that I’ll tell some other day)

So Freyja right
she wakes up one morning
and she is like HOLY SHIT GOLD
I JUST HAD A WET DREAM ABOUT SOME
AND NOW I WANT SOME
but hm where should I get gold
oh wait
I live in a world with dwarves
WHAT A STUPID QUESTION

so she walks across town to drawftowne
and while she is walking loki sees her and he is like fuuuuuuuck
that chick looks like she is about to get some TREASURE
I want to RUIN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HER
because I am Loki and that is basically all I do
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

so Loki follows Freyja all the way to goldfuckopolis
hometown of the dwarves
or at least four dwarves
Alfrigg, Dvalinn, Berling and Grerr
four shitty names for four shitty people
and sitting on their bukakke pedestal
is just the most pants-shittingly fantastic display of golduggery
EVER
(golduggery is exactly like skulduggery
except instead of doing crimes you do gold)
it is this INDESCRIBABLY VALUABLE NECKLACE
it is SO INDESCRIBABLE
that all the norse scribes purposefully lost most of the text of this myth
and no one actually knows what it looks like
or even if it is a necklace really
we’re kind of just guessing here
more or less based on the fact that a necklace is the only form of gold
that could accomodate four dwarfdicks simultaneously
MAN I HATE DWARVES SO MUCH

and so does Freyja
so when these four skeezy dwarfs pop out she is like ew fuck
I mean hey guys how’s it going
think i could have this necklace or whatever it is?
i REEEEEEALLY like it
I’ll pay you GOLD for it
and the dwarves are like we don’t need any more gold
WHOA RECORD SCRATCH
Did you just hear what I heard?
DWARVES
do not need more
GOLD
these are clearly not four dwarves
but rather eight babies in four dwarfsuits
this is the only explanation

and see that just makes the next part weirder
because then freyja is like ok shit well i basically just have gold
credit cards haven’t been invented nor has investment banking
and the dwarves are like WELL YOU HAVE A VAGINA
HOWSABOUT WE ALL USE THAT FOR LIKE 24 HOURS APIECE
and freyja is like hm
…
okay!

so each of the dwarves fucks freyja for a solid day/night cycle
and they are very civil about it and no one minds getting sloppy seconds
or hot carls or ANYTHING
and at the end of the four days the dwarves are like welp
we’re about as sexually satisfied as we are ever going to be
in our sad sad lives
here
have this necklace
and freyja is like SWEET
this was ALMOST worth debasing myself in this manner!
and meanwhile Loki
who, remember, followed freyja here
is like DAMN I WISH I HAD FILMED THAT
I BET THERE’S A WHOLE INTERNET FETISH ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT
oh well i guess i can just settle for ruining her accomplishment
like i planned

so Freyja goes home to enjoy her necklace and take a long shower
and loki hauls ass over to odin’s place
and loki is like odin odin guess what
I know i’m the god of lying all the time
but you gotta trust me when I say
freyja just fucked four dwarves for a necklace
and odin is like yeah that sounds like freyja
I mean WHAT
IIIIII WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA
WE ALL WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA
EVERY GODDAMN GIANT IN JOTUNHEIM WANTS TO FUCK FREYJA
AND ALL WE HAD TO DO ALL THESE YEARS WAS OFFER HER JEWELRY?
UNACCEPTABLE
LOKI GO STEAL HER NECKLACE
and loki is like did somebody say STEALING
and odin is like yes loki that was me that said that
but loki doesn’t hear him because he is already at Freyja’s place
STEALING

so he gets to freyja’s place and the door is locked
he is like what the fuck freyja why you gotta value privacy
maybe because you do shit like fuck four dwarves
so he turns into a fly and tries to find a way in
and FINALLY he flies in through a crack in the roof
but there are EVEN MORE PROBLEMS
because Freyja is sleeping on her back
with the clasp of her necklace completely inaccessible
so loki turns into a flea and mauls the fuck out of her fucking cheek
causing her to spaz out and flip over
and then loki turns into loki and just steals her necklace
and waltzes his merry way home

so Freyja wakes up
notices her necklace is gone
notices her door is open
and is like DAMMIT LOKI
but wait
Loki wouldn’t do this on his own
he’s too much of a pussy
DAMMIT ODIN
but wait how did Odin know about my necklace
DAMMIT LOKI
wait but how the fuck am I ever going to find loki
IM GONNA GO YELL AT ODIN

so she shows up at odin’s place
like WHAT THE FUCK DICKFISH GIMME BACK MY NECKLACE
and Odin is like WELL WELL WELL
IF IT ISN’T SLUT CITY
HEY I HAVE SOME BRASS PLATES AND A SHINY ROCK
WANNA GIVE ME A RIMJOB OR SOMETHING THEY’RE ALL YOURS
and Freyja is like VERY FUNNY ASSHOLE
and Odin is like I BET YOU WON’T THINK MY ASSHOLE IS THAT FUNNY
WHEN YOU ARE GIVING ME A RIMJOB
but seriously i am really scandalized by what you did
so i’m going to punish you
and Freyja is like aw frig
what’s it gonna be
and Odin is like ok well i’ll let you have the necklace back
but only if you make all the races of men in Midgard
fight wars forever
oh wait that’s not really a puniAND FREYJA IS LIKE YES DONE THANK YOU
and then there is war forever
but at least freyja looks pretty

so the moral of the story
is that apparently women ARE currency
but be careful
try and purchase a sandwich with its equivalent dollar value in women
and what you may end up with is CEASELESS WARS

THE END.

Turns out I’m a little bitch who can’t handle a 20 mile deathmarch

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Hey assholes, guess what?

NO MYTH TODAY.
Turns out that the secret to eternal life is not to repeatedly punish yourself
trying to crawl your way up to the top of mount olympus
it also turns out
that once you drag your sorry carcass to the summit
YOU HAVE TO CLIMB DOWN
WHO THE FUCK INVENTED THIS
WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT
WHY ARE THERE NOT WARP GATES ON TOP OF MOUNTAINS GUYS
WE HAVE THE SCIENCE TO MAKE LASER MICE AND TINY BREAD AND SPIDER-GOAT HALFBREEDS
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MOUNTAINTOP TELEPORTER

Let me paint you a picture, ladies and gentlemen
I just staggered into my house like a zombie
a DRUNK zombie
my legs feel like arthritis
no no no
they don’t feel like they are SUFFERING from arthritis
they feel like some bastard took two identical twin octegenarians
extracted their juices
distilled them into a gooey misery syrup
then used one of those creepy crawler easy bake ovens
to make that shit into my legs

So NOW, my loyal fans
yeah i’m talking to you two
it is time for a choice of viewing on my shitty internet site
choice 1) I WILL WRITE A MYTH TOMORROW ABOUT FREYJA
BECAUSE IT IS HER DAY AND I RARELY DO THAT
2) I WILL WRITE A MYTH ABOUT HAITI
WHICH ONLY SEEMS APPROPRIATE
BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE MADE A VOODOO DOLL
OF EACH INDIVIDUAL PART OF MY BODY
AND THEN FED THEM ALL TO RAPEHUNGRY MASTIFFS.

The choice is yours!

Meanwhile if you are not sufficiently entertained
i suggest you check out Warren Ellis’s Blog
maybe you will find a picture of a severely deformed penis
i make no guarantees

UNTIL TOMORROW.

So It Turns Out Animals Are Less Worthless Than I thought

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Alright so japan is apparently full of talking animals
as this story will prove
also other weird shit
SO:

there’s an old man and an old woman
this seems to be a running theme in these stories
except that in this case
the wife is not a huge bitch
and the husband is not an irresponsible jackass
so this is a pretty fucking well adjusted family by any standard
and one day
the wife is washing clothes in the river
i guess cause their washing machine is broken or something
and she finds a peach
floating in the river i guess
and she is like THIS WILL MAKE A LOVELY SNACK FOR MY HUSBAND
and she brings it home
but PLOT TWIST
IT IS NOT A PEACH IT IS A BABY
or rather a peach-shaped egg that a baby hatches out of
so they are sitting around the table like holy shit what do we do
well i guess we kind of have to feed it and shit
let’s name it Momotaro
AKA PEACHBABY

so peachbaby grows up and gets a bunch of shitty ideas
and one of those ideas is to go rough up all the ogres that live nearby
and steal all their shit
so he is like hey mom hey dad
i’m gonna go do something recklessly stupid in a minute
can you make me some dumplings out of birdseed?
and his mom is like sure honey whatever you want

so this kid sets off with a bag full of dumplings
and a head full of idiot
and basically the first thing that happens is he gets ambushed by a monkey
all like HEY HEY HEY
HEY HEY HEY
I’LL HELP YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SOME OGRES IF YOU GIVE ME A DUMPLING
THIS SEEMS LIKE A GREAT DEAL TO ME
and peachbaby is like yeah sure
so then the monkey starts following him
and then a pheasant shows up like OY OY OY
OY OY OY
I WILL ALSO HELP YOU FUCK UP SOME OGRES IN EXCHANGE FOR A TASTY DUMPLING AS WELL
and peachbaby is like yeah help yourself
and then a dog shows up like WOOF WOOF FUCKITY WOOF BITCH
GIMME SOME DUMPLING AND I WILL GIVE YOU SOME DEAD OGRES
and peachbaby is like i like your style
here’s a dumpling

so by the time this kid gets to the ogres’ island
he’s got this ridiculous animal entourage
and he is basically like alright guys
murdertime
and the bird flies over the walls of the ogres’ castle
and the monkey climbs the walls
and meanwhile peachbaby and the dog manage to beat down the front gates
GUYS
a monkey
a dog
a teenager
and a bird that looks like some kind of psychedelic chicken
JUST COMPROMISED A FORTRESS
BUILT
BY OGRES
WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THESE DUMPLINGS?
and then once they beast their way inside the fortress
they just proceed to start dishing out asses left and right
the ogres are basically queuing up to receive their assrations
it’s a regular ASS-embly line
DO YOU GET IT

so yeah eventually the ogres get tired of getting skullfucked to death
by creatures roughly one hundredth of their size
and they are like shit man fine
just take all our treasure
sure we’ve been saving that stuff for like
CENTURIES
but you go ahead and take it
dicks
and peachbaby becomes obscenely rich
and is happy for ever

so the moral of the story is
if you’re ever gonna do something recklessly stupid
get your mom to pack you a lunch first

the end.

Sparrows Are Another Kind Of Animal That Can Talk

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Sorry I fucked up let’s pretend today is Saturday
what are you complaining about
now you get 1 extra day of weekend

Anyway so Japan right

it’s got these two old people in it
they are married
one is a man and one is a woman
i just thought i’d make that clear
so they have this pet right
it’s a sparrow
apparently that is a kind of pet that you keep in japan
and the old man is all ABOUT this sparrow
but see his wife
like just about every wife we have discussed for the last week
and really pretty much every woman that gets mentioned in myths ever
is resting on a vast underground reserve
of bitchtonium
which is a radioactive element
that basically just makes you a huge bitch all the time
so one day this woman is doing laundry
and the bird flies over to where she is keeping her starch
and is like THIS LOOKS DELICIOUS
YOINK
at which point this dame gets so butthurt
that her butt walks with a permanent limp from that day forward
and also she grabs the sparrow
cuts its fucking tongue
like she’s a mob boss or some shit
and then naturally the sparrow is like fuck this i’m leaving

so later the old man comes home
and he is like where is my lovable feathered pal?
and his wife is like HE STOLE MY STARCH SO I FUCKING CUT THAT BITCH
and the old man is like jesus christ woman
why do you always cut my friends on their tongues
fuck this i’m leaving
so he leaves and he goes looking for his animal buddy
and it takes him FUCKING FOREVER
but finally they just run into each other
and the bird is like sup dude
congrats on finding me
and the dude is like sup bird
congrats on being able to talk despite having a cut up tongue
and the bird is like dude i have not seen you in forever
let’s have a FEAST
so they feast
i don’t know where the sparrow gets all this food
but he is seriously hooked the fuck UP
like he is so hooked up
that the hooks he is hooked up with
are hooked up with other hooks
that are in turn continuing to HOOK HIM UP
so after like a solid week
of nonstop megafood indulgence
the man is like this is really great dude
but i kind of abandoned my wife a month or so ago
and she’s prolly getting pretty pissed at this point
like her natural state is pretty pissed actually
so i think she might be getting ultimate pissed
and when she is ultimate pissed sometimes she threatens to cut my tongue
maybe it’s better that i don’t go home
so he hangs out for like another week or so
but finally he’s like you know what
i kind of miss my house
enough to brave my venomous bitch of a wife
so im sorry dude but i really gotta go
and the bird is like aww fuck dude
it was great having you around
here
have some baskets
and the old man is like damn son
one of those baskets is really unreasonably heavy
and i am unreasonably old
how about i just take the light one
and the bird is like sure dude no problem

so the old man gets home
and his wife is like WHAT THE FUCK ASSHOLE I WANT TO CUT YOUR TONGUE
and the old man is like chill out i was just hanging with some birds
look i got a basket
and he opens the basket
and it is FULL OF GOLD
WHERE DO BIRDS GET GOLD
I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PIGEON WITH A FUCKING ROLEX OR ANYTHING
so his wife is like oh shit yes
hold on husband
lemme try and get some birdgold real quick

so she goes to the bird’s house
which honestly given the details of this myth is probably more like a mansion
and she is like yo bird good to see you
and the bird is like fuck off bitch
and the woman is like aren’t you at least going to give me some presents
and the bird is like sure here’s two baskets but you can only have one
and the woman is like I WANT THE HEAVY ONE I BET IT’S FULL OF GOLD
but guess what
turns out it’s full of GOBLINS instead
i dunno how many goblins you can fit in a basket
but this basket is full of at least three times that many
and they jump out and beat the shit out of her
okay i was confused as to where a bird got gold
but WHERE THE FUCK does a bird get GOBLINS?
GOBLINS THAT ARE WILLING TO GET STUFFED IN A BASKET AND OFFERED TO STRANGERS?
I’VE SEEN DUDES WEARING ROLEXES
I HAVE NEVER SEEN DUDES TOTING A FULL ON GOBLINOID PICNIC PARTY OF PAIN
anyway then the old man remarries and has a son
and lives happily ever after while his wife gets ruined by monsters

so the moral of the story
is make friends with sparrows
i don’t know where they get all this shit
but they will HOOK
YOU
UP

the end.

Rip Van Winkle Has a PhD In Lazy

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3

So telling that last myth reminded me of a less depressing version of the same myth
it is from America
specifically new york

SO
there’s this dude Rip Van Winkle
he’s a pretty decent motherfucker
always mowing his neighbors’ lawns
fixing their roofs
drinking their booze
but see the problem with Rip Van Winkle
is that he is only capable of doing things
that IN NO WAY BENEFIT HIM
he can’t mow his own lawn
he can’t fix his own roof
and he’d probably drink his own booze
except he can’t afford any BECAUSE HE HAS NO JOB
so mainly he just wanders around town with his dog
named wolf
which is a shitty name for a dog
but probably an even shittier name for a wolf
unless it’s Wolf from Starfox
but i think he’s called StarWolf
wait shit is that what he’s actually called
or am I making that up
if I am and that name isn’t taken
I am hereby changing my name to StarWolf
what an unbelievably sweet thing to be called

ANYWAY
Rip Van Winkle has a wife
i forget what her name is
so we will just call her Bitchingstein Don Crunk
because this woman is currently working on her master’s thesis
in applied bitchology
all like BLUH BLUH BLUH
WHY DONT YOU GET A JOB SO WE CAN FEED OUR CHILDREN
AND/OR NOT BE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD
YOU SEE THIS
THIS IS ME BEING UNREASONABLE
but Rip isn’t fazed by her henpeckery
one day he is just like fuck you know what
i don’t have to listen to this shit
i’m gonna go wander around with my dog
IN THE WOODS

so he’s wandering around in the woods and he sees this dude
who is struggling uphill with a MASSIVE BARREL OF BOOZE
and Rip is like hey buddy
looks like you’re having some trouble with all that booze
it looks pretty heavy
maybe I ought to help you carry that
PERHAPS WITH MY MOUTH
or i guess I could just use my hands
that too
so they carry the keg to the top of the mountain
where there is this cave
and inside the cave
there are a bunch of weird motherfuckers
just hanging out
you know
bowling
and no one is saying anything
so Rip is just like ok guys
i’m just gonna take position right next to this booze here
and drink myself senseless
please continue bowling to indicate that you are fine with this
and they keep bowling
and Rip Van Winkle drinks until he blacks out
and when he wakes up
he’s got like a ten foot beard
and his hunting rifle has rusted away
and his dog is missing
(fun fact: his dog is actually dead)
and he is like fuuuuuck
i think i might have had too much to drink
WELP
time to go back to town and return to my ordinary life
so he goes back to town
and he doesn’t recognize a SINGLE PERSON
and he is like what the fuck is this shit
and everyone is like who the fuck are you
and he is like I’M A LOYAL FOLLOWER OF THE KING OF ENGLAND
and everyone is like WRONG MOVE ASSHOLE
because see Rip has been asleep for TWENTY FUCKING YEARS
and during that time the american revolution happened
so people are no longer down with King George
they are all about George Washington
but really it doesn’t matter at all and pretty soon everyone stops giving a shit
and Rip moves in with his daughter
who is now conveniently old enough for him to leech off of
and he finds another dog
and he basically goes back to doing exactly what he was doing before he left
with the added bonus that now his wife is dead

so the moral of the story
is if everyone is yelling at you for being irresponsible
try being MORE irresponsible
and maybe they will all die while you are in a coma

the end.

Foxes are a Gargantuan Waste of Time

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So there’s this woodsman

his name is Visu
he works all the time and he’s generally a pretty ok dude
but then one day this priest shows up
and he is like Visu I hear you don’t pray
and Visu is like fuck praying i do what i want
and the priest is like dude didn’t you know
if you don’t pray you’re gonna come back to life as like
cockroaches
or tapeworms
or asshair or something
and Visu is like OH SHIT
I AM OFFICIALLY DOING NOTHING BUT PRAYING FROM NOW ON
OH GODS I AM SO SORRY ABOUT NOT PRAYING BEFORE
WHEN I DIE PLEASE BRING ME BACK TO LIFE AS A SWEET DRAGON
AND/OR BODACIOUS PAIR OF TITS
so meanwhile Visu’s family is starving
seeing as Visu has abruptly stopped feeding and caring for them
and his wife is like HEY VISU
WHAT THE FUCK
and Visu is like GET OFF MY DICK WOMAN
I AM TRYING TO GET RESSURECTED AS TITS HERE DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND
FUCK THIS I’M ABANDONING YOU
so he packs up his shit and he climbs up a mountain
and he sits down at the top of the mountain like alright
time to get my pray on FOR REAL
but then holy shit what is this
there is a fox
better go chase it
so he chases the fox
LIKE AN IDIOT
and ends up in this clearing
where he sees two hot chicks playing a really boring board game
but he has nothing better to do i guess
so he sits down and watches them play
FOR 300 YEARS
but he doesn’t notice that it is 300 years
i guess because time flies when you’re an idiot
and finally after 300 years
one of the chicks makes a wrong move
and Visu is like HA HA BITCH YOU FUCKED UP
and then the chicks turn into foxes and run away
and Visu is like dammit
why are hot chicks always turning into foxes
what the fuck japan
i’m going home
and see it is at this point that he realizes that he is SUPER OLD
his joints are all worthless
he’s got a sweet beard
and his axe is fucking disintegrated
but this is not enough to convince him that something is wrong
because he then proceeds to go back home
looking for his wife
but she is DEAD
OBVIOUSLY
as are his kids
and their kids
and all that remains is this crotchety old lady
who does not give a shit about any of those people
and Visu is like WHY GODS WHY
WHY HAVE YOU PUNISHED ME
ALL I WANTED WAS TO SPEND MY NEXT LIFE AS BOOBS AND NOT COCKROACHES
I GUESS THE MORAL OF THIS STORY
IS THAT IF YOU PRAY
DON’T FORGET TO ALSO WORK

but no
fuck that
that’s not the moral of the story
because see the moral of the story
is STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM FOXES
ESPECIALLY when they are pretending to be hot chicks

the end.

Frogs are Debilitatingly Unaware of Their Own Anatomy

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Ok so first of all
do you like the new layout
I got tired of picking colors
so i just picked my favorite color:
milk

okay now let’s talk about some fucking FROGS

so we’ve all agreed by this point that animals can talk right?
right
good
okay
so there are these two frogs
one of them lives in Osaka
the other one lives in Kyoto
in case you have not guessed these are JAPANESE FROGS
which are basically identical to american frogs
except they speak japanese
because you see
as we have already established
animals can definitely talk

so these frogs right
they get LUDICROUSLY BORED
sitting in their ponds
ribbiting all the fuck over everything that crosses their paths
so one day
as if with A SINGLE UNIFIED MIND
both frogs are like hey
i need to get the fuck out of this city
it’s running me ragged man
and the Osaka frog is like I WANNA GO TO KYOTO
and the Kyoto frog is like I WANNA GO TO OSAKA
if they had internet they could have arranged a house swap
or at least like
a stanky pond swap
but unfortunately japan does not start providing internet to animals
until at least the industrial revolution

SO OFF THEY GO
here is the problem
FROGS SUCK AT TRAVELING
i mean
Kyoto and Osaka
are FIFTY-SIX KILOMETERS APART
that’s like FOUR HUNDRED AMERICAN MILES
imagine trying to walk that far
okay
now imagine trying to walk that far
but you are about as big as one of your feet
also your primary method of locomotion is jumping repeatedly
also you are a FUCKING FROG
and the corn on top of that shit casserole
is that right smack dab between kyoto and osaka
IS A FUCKING MOUNTAIN
so these frogs are hoppin and hoppin
and basically making themselves miserable
and finally they get to the top
at exactly the same time
and they are both like WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT
NO WAY
NO FUCKING WAY MAN
and the Osaka frog is like what the fuck are you doing here man
and the Kyoto frog is like im going to Osaka what are you doing
and the Osaka frog is like no shit man i’m from Osaka and I’m going to Kyoto
and the Kyoto frog is like dude what the fuck I’m from Kyoto
we totally should have arranged a house swap or something
too bad we are animals and do not have internet
so they shoot the shit for a little while
and they are both like damn dude
this has been a pretty shitty journey so far
wish we were taller
so we could see Osaka and Kyoto from here
to tell whether it’s worth going the rest of the way or not
OH SHIT WAIT
THERE’S TWO OF US
IF WE STAND ON OUR HIND LEGS
AND THEN STAND ON EACH OTHERS’ SHOULDERS
WE CAN TOTALLY SEE WHATS UP

so that is what they do
except here is the problem guys
frogs are in NO WAY designed to make human pyramids
that is why they are called HUMAN pyramids
not frogstacks
not only do they have spindly weakass legs
but their eyes
are ON TOP OF THEIR HEADS
so what happens
is they climb up on top of each other
and then their eyes are looking straight back the way they came
and they are both like what the fuck
Kyoto is exactly like Osaka
Osaka is exactly like Kyoto
what a fucking ripoff
let’s go home

so they go home
and never get to see sweet foreign vistas and whatnot
so please
take a lesson from these frogs
and just take the next couple of minutes
to make sure that you know
EXACTLY where your eyes are on your head

the end