Alright so
when last we left our hero
he was finally getting his ass over to italy
BUT NOT SO FAST
because FIRST
he has to go
TO HELLLLLL
to see his dad so his dad can tell him about the future
this is not as easy as it sounds
and it does not sound easy

basically in order to prove that the fates want Aeneis in hades
he has to go into some nearby forest
and find this golden branch
and pull it off the tree it’s growing out of
and then give it to Charon
the boatguy of the damned
and then and only then does he get to fraternize with corpses
so he does all that shit
with the help of holy doves
and he goes to Charon like sup dude can you take me to hades
and charon is like bitch you best step off
and Aeneas is like how about you say that to MY GOLD TWIG
and charon is like oh shit fine

so than Aeneas is in hell
and who does he see
but DIDO
cause she KILLED HERSELF OVER HIM
so he feels kind of bad about that
but anyway he finds his dad
and then he is like sup dad did you wanna tell me something
that you could not have just told me
when you showed up as a ghost earler?
and his dad is like not really son
i just wanted to tell you some facts about hell
also your descendants are going to found rome
and it’s going to be a great empire and whatnot
because this book is basically a propaganda piece
for the great roman empire
did i already how tell you how great caesar is going to be
he’s going to be a pretty great dude no lie

so after Aeneas is done with all THAT bullshit
it is time for him to get more of his men murdered
so first off he and his men are sitting on the shores of italy
like damn we are hungry
let’s eat some fruit
using all of this awful rock hard bread as tables
oh man that fruit was nowhere near enough food
how about we eat our breadtables
OH SNAP
THE HARPY’S CURSE JUST CAME TRUE
WE JUST GOT SO HUNGRY WE ATE OUR TABLES
THAT WAS NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS WE EXPECTED
KIND OF FEEL GYPPED NOW GUYS
so that’s one obstacle down

but then they still gotta found their kingdom and everything
so they go hit up this dude Latinus
king of the latins
and also his daughter
Lavinia
and they are like hey can we chill for a while
and Latinus is like sure guys no problem
how about you just marry my daughter too while you’re at it
because see
Latinius heard a prophecy
all like “FOREIGN ARMY GONNA CONQUER YOUR KINGDOM SON”
and he was like shit i better ask the oracle to clarify this
because everyone knows that is exactly what oracles do
they clarify things
so basically the oracle is like HEY HEY
YOU SHOULD MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER OFF TO AENEAS
NOT TURNUS
WHO IS A GOOD FRIEND OF YOUR KINGDOM
AND HAS BEEN COURTING HER
FOR YEARS
YEARRRRRRRRRRRRRS
so Latinus is like sure no problem
and that is what he does

but NOT SO FAST, SUGARTITS
remember Juno?
she is not ABOUT to let anyone be happy just yet
i mean this is only book 7
there are 12 books
what the fuck do you think is going to happen in the next five
sewing circle?
FAT CHANCE
man having read this fucking legend
i really wish it had just ended here
reading the Aeneid was not a pleasant experience for me

so ok what happens next
is Juno sends this fury Allecto
to go piss off Latinus’s wife Amata
by wrapping a snake around her legs or something
so she is all like BLUH BLUH KILL AENEAS
and then Juno also tricks one of Aeneas’s dudes
into killing Turnus’s favorite stag accidentally
which is apparently enough reason
for shepherds to start murdering the FUCK out of Aeneas’s dudes
and from that point it’s just a nonstop avalance of murder
for like 5 books
wait 4 books
yeah that’s right
the murder does not stop until the VERY LAST PAGE
and actually
(SPOILER ALERT)
it doesn’t even stop then
you have to turn to the page after the last page
like
the acknowledgements
although depending on the edition you’re reading
there might be murder in the acknowledgements too
your best bet is to find one of the blank pages
they always leave in the front and back of books
presumably for people like me to draw dicks on
i’ve been experimenting with these for YEARS and i have found NO OTHER USE FOR THEM

so yeah then a war happens
Turnus is especially excited about this
since Aeneas was poised to snatch his woman
but really everyone is jazzed about special murder time
with the notable exception
of king Latinus
but finally
after a lot of yelling
he is just like CHRIST GUYS GET OFF MY DICK
I’M GOING TO SLEEP DO WHAT YOU WANT
so war
yes

first thing Aeneas does is run away
now to be fair
he is running away to get reinforcements
but that is not going to stop me
from calling him a pussy
so he goes to a place called Latium
and gets him some Latiums
and then he sails his ass all the way to Arcadia
where this king Evander guy
is like YEAH SURE WE’LL HELP YOU KILL LATINS
BUT FIRST LET US FEAST
NOT LIKE YOU’VE GOT ANY TIME PRESSURE OR ANYTHING
so they feast
and shoot the shit for a while
and then suddenly remember OH SHIT WE NEED TO GO FIGHT LATINS
and they raise an army of several thousand
but there are too many dudes for Aeneas’s boats
so they have to walk
which SUCKS

meanwhile Venus is like hey Vulcan
(Hephaestus)
make our kid Aeneas some armor
and Vulcan is like hold on
how do I know that’s even my son
and Venus is like come on i’m your wife
and Vulcan is like you’re also a WHORE
and Venus is like i’ll suck your dick if you make Aeneas some armor
and Vulcan is like now THAT’S what i pay you for
(why did he marry her?)
so Aeneas is on his way back to the war
when venus shows up like HEY SON
GOT YOU SOME ARMOR
IT’S GOT THE HISTORY OF ROME ON IT
PRETTY SWEET HUH

meanwhile Turnus is like hey Aeneas is gone
how about we kill all his dudes
so he leads his army over to their camp
but he can’t find a way in
so he just sets their ships on fire
but PLOT TWIST
turns out the boats are made of sacred wood
so instead of catching on fire
they dive under the water and turn into NYMPHS
BOOYAH
at which point Turnus is just like fuck this
SIEGETIME

so the Trojans are well fucked at this point
and decide their best bet is to get word to Aeneas
so they get these two dudes
Nisus and Eurylaus
to sneak out and get Aeneas
but apparently they confuse “sneak out and get Aeneas”
with “kill as many Latins as possible
until they hear the sound of your massive lootbag
and cut off your heads
and parade them on stakes in front of the Trojan camp”
these guys are not great at following directions
so then the Latins decide to attack
they manage to collapse a tower
but then the Trojans charge out of the fort like YAAA
and kill a bunch of dudes
then Turnus kills a bunch of dudes
and gets inside the city
but there’s too many dudes in there
so he has to jump in the river and float to safety
WHY DO THE LATINS NOT JUST SWIM IN THROUGH THE RIVER

Meanwhile Jupiter is watching this shit happen
like what the fuck Juno
what did you do
Just stop, ok?
please just stop
and Juno is like psh fine
i guess enough people have died
and will continue to die
as a result of my dickery

then Aeneas gets a boat
and arrives at the battle
and everyone kills each other a whole bunch
mainly Aeneas kills everyone
but also Turnus kills Pallas
who is the son of Evander
who Aeneas was specifically supposed to protect
and he gets REALLY PISSED OFF
(kind of like Achilles and Patroclus in the Iliad
kind of EXACTLY LIKE ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS IN THE ILIAD)
and he kills even MORE dudes
pretty much singlehandedly winning the battle
like i don’t even know why he brought dudes with him
this guy is a one man meatgrinder

so at this point Juno is like can i please just make Turnus not die
and Jupiter is like psh fine i guess
so Juno makes Turnus hallucinate SO HARD
he chases what he thinks is Aeneas onto a boat
and then the boat sails away
good luck explaining that later asshole

so then everyone is pretty tired of war for the next 12 days
and basically just dick around
you know
BURYING THEIR MOUNDS OF DEAD
and during this time king Latinus is also kind of like hey guys
we’re losing this war
harder than anyone has ever lost a war
and that is a tall order
considering the trojan war just fucking happened
can we just cede some territory and bow out of this murderfest?
and Turnus is like PUSSY
and Latinus is like oh yeah tough guy
howsabout dueling Aeneas to end this shit for good
and Turnus is like NO TIME GOTTA GO FIGHT MORE TROJANS
cause see the trojans are on their way right at that very moment
to fuck Lavinium down around the Latins’ ears
and then fuck their ears

so along with the great warrior maiden Camilla
Turnus rides out to
you guessed it
murder more dudes
but Camilla is murdering EVEN MORE DUDES
MORE DUDES THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE
until she sees something shiny
and gets herself stabbed trying to get it
The Aeneid:
Most crucial piece of feminist literature ever?
anyway it’s all downhill from there
and basically the Latins end up cowering in their city
wishing they had never listened to Turnus

well Turnus finally decides to take responsibility for his actions
and duel Aeneas for all the marbles
those marbles being Lavinia’s tits
but Juno gets all worried
cuz she knows Aeneas is way better at killing than Turnus is
so remember when Juno promised not to interfere anymore?
well FUCK THAT SHIT
SHE’S A GODDESS
SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS
she hits up Turnus’s sister Juturna
like hey chick
get war started again so Turnus doesn’t have to die in this duel
come on
you have the power
to replace Turnus’s death
with a thousand pointless deaths
and Juturna is like I’LL DO IT
so she dresses up like a noble
and goes over to the Latin soldiers
like hey
hey
i bet you could win right now
if you all just threw your spears
look
they are totally not expecting you to do this
because they are HONORABLE FUCKING PEOPLE
so a Latin dude throws his spear
and then all hell breaks loose
for like the FOURTEENTH TIME
and when the smoke clears
Aeneas has been shot in the leg
and Amata has been shot in the leg
and a bunch of dudes..
well
they have been killed
and we are back to square one
with Turnus challenging Aeneas to a duel again

so this time they actually fight
and Aeneas seems to have somehow acquired Turnus’s ass
at some earlier time
because during this battle
he HANDS IT TO HIM
and turnus is lying on the ground
like please Aeneas
don’t chop off my head
you can have Lavinia and everything it’s fine
i would just like to keep my head exactly where it is on my body
and Aeneas is like nope
and kills him

and that ends the story of Aeneas
which is basically just a combination of the Odyssey and Iliad
with most of the names changed
and less mercy
and a lot more hailing of Caesar and the Roman empire
so the moral of the story is
plagiarism is wrong
unless it’s government sponsored plagiarism

good luck on your term papers guys.

Hey so first of all
I wanna thank the good people from dailygrail.com
for singlehandedly composing most of my site traffic
seriously you guys rock
keep doing that

second I want to thank the mysterious A
for rescuing me from writer’s block once again
by requesting this myth

now i am sick of thanking people
so let’s talk about boobs and violence

so you all remember the trojan war right?
if you don’t, too bad
gonna pretend you do
so basically after all the murdering happens
the trojans are stupid enough
to invite a giant hollow wooden horse full of enemies into their city
one thing leads to another
and the next thing you know troy is on fire
and the war is basically over
because it is hard to have a war when you are on fire

BUT ALL IS NOT LOST
because there is this dude Aeneas
he shows up somewhere in the Iliad pretty sure
son of Venus and shit
anyway he is in the middle of all this fire like FUCK THIS
and he goes and grabs his dad
and his wife
and carries them out of the city on his back
but then he loses his wife
but it’s okay because like i said he is the SON OF VENUS
so (spoiler alert) PUSSY IS NOT GOING TO BE HARD TO COME BY
we’ll get to that in a minute

oh yeah also
guess who hates Aeneas
could it be the same celestial antagonist
who repeatedly fucked over HERCULES
AND IO
AND GANYMEDE
AND SEMELE
AND PELIAS???
you got it my friends
i’m talking about Hera
AHEM
Juno
because this story is basically a roman rebranding
of everything that was good about greece
think of the Aeneid
as the 2001 Zac Snyder remake
of George Romero’s classic zombie film Dawn of the Dead
where suddenly zombies can run really fast
and they replace character development with a bus full of chainsaws
okay that sounds sweeter than I intended to

ANYWAY
so Aeneas gets some ships
and he puts some survivors on those ships
and they go gallivanting all over to thrace
where they find some creepy bleeding tree
and then they go to Delos and Apollo is like sup guys
you better go to the land of your forefathers
and they are like where is that
and Apollo is like shit i dunno
figure it out
so they try Crete
and start building a city there
but then they get a plague
and Apollo shows up like oh shit guys i just found my notes
you were supposed to go to Italy
my bad

so they get on their boats again
but there is a storm
and they end up on this island Strophades
where harpies show up to shit on their dinner
and they try and fight the harpies
but the harpies are like HEY HOW ABOUT WE CURSE YOU
BY SAYING THAT YOU WILL NOT GET TO SET UP YOUR KINGDOM
UNTIL HUNGER DRIVES YOU TO EAT YOUR FUCKING TABLES
and everyone is like shit that’s no good

so then they go to Buthrotum
which is this greek city
but some trojans took it over
after they got brought there as prisoners
their names are Helenus and Andromache
and they are like hey Aeneas
if you wanna go to italy
you’re gonna have to go the long way around
cuz if you go the short way
you’re gonna have to deal with scylla and charybdis
SEE
SEE HOW WE EXIST WITHIN THE CLASSIC GREEK CANON
and then not only that
but on their way around italy
this dude comes running up to their ship like HOLY SHIT HELP ME
and they are like who are you
and he is like I AM ONE OF ODYSSEUS’S MEN
except he says Ulysses not Odysseus
because the Romans just have to change EVERYBODY’S NAMES
and he goes on to say that Ulysses stabbed a cyclops in the eye
and escaped
and now this dude is cyclopsfucked up the yinyang
and just then a bunch of cyclopes show up
and Aeneas is like OH SHIT GET ON MY BOAT
and then they get the fuck out of there

so THEN is when Juno starts fucking with everybody
see Juno is pissed
because Aeneas is supposed to eventually conquer carthage
which is like Juno’s favorite city for some reason
so she hits up the wind god Aeolus
like hey dude howsabout ruining some ships for me
so Aeolus is like WOOOSH MOTHERFUCKERS
until posiedon sees what’s up and is like hey dude
this is my ocean
yall best step off
so the storm clears up just in time
and Aeneas and some of his crew arrive
IN CARTHAGE
and not only that
but the queen there
Dido
sees Aeneas and is like WHOA
I WANNA SHOVEL SOME OF THAT IN MY SEX FURNACE
and why does she do this?
she does this because Venus MAKES HER DO IT
like I said
NO TROUBLE GETTING LAID

so Dido sits Aeneas down
and is like tell me about your travels
so he tells her all the shit i just told you
in a flashback SHOCKINGLY REMINISCENT OF ODYSSEUS’S FLASHBACK TO THE PHAEACIANS
and then Juno is like OH MY GOODNESS
IF I GET THESE TWO LOVEBIRDS BANGIN REGULAR-LIKE
THEN AENEAS WON’T EVER LEAVE TO START ROME
WHICH IS THE POINT OF HIS MISSION
so she goes over to Venus like hey
Venus
wanna help me get your son laid
and Venus is like hey
i know what you’re up to
but yes

so Dido and Aeneas start banging
regular-like
but then hermes shows up like hey aeneas
you have a quest remember
and Aeneas is like oh shit that’s right
look Dido i know i took your honor and everything
but i gotta go
right now in the middle of the night
while you are asleep
before you wake up and get mad at me
but then she wakes up and gets mad at him
but he still leaves
and then she sets herself on fire
so that’s fun

So Aeneas and co sail to Eryx
where they have a nine day party in honor of his dad’s death
oh yeah his dad died
a year ago
so much for saving him from that fire
anyway the party includes a lot of sports
and everyone gets prizes no matter what
so they will all feel special
also a guy punches a cow so hard its brain comes out

meanwhile Juno pisses off everybody’s wives
and they set all the ships on fire
but then Aeneas is like hey Zeus I mean Jupiter
put these fires out
and Jupiter is like ok
but then Aeneas is like fuck
i don’t want all these homicidal wives on my ship
maybe we should just make Rome here
and one of his dudes is like no man
just leave all the homicidal wives and old people here
and then we can go start rome with only the manliest men
and then the ghost of Aeneas’s dad shows up like YESSSS
ALSO VISIT ME IN HELL SON

so with this sage advice,
Aeneas gets back on his boat
and starts sailing to italy again
and Venus
knowing that this is the perfect opportunity
for more of Juno’s bullshit
is like hey Poseidon
i know you like making bigass waves and shit
but just this once could you chill out
and let Aeneas sail uneventfully to Italy?
and Poseidon is like fine i guess
but i’m gonna make a dude fall asleep at the wheel of his boat
and fall off and die
that ok?
and Venus is like sure fine

and i’m going to cut this short here
and continue on Thursday
because i do NOT want this post
to be as long as the fucking Mabinogi
and yall just keep requesting ultralong myths

NOT the end

Still working on that rap guys
keep your pants on
no one wants to see your grotesque hairy legs

SO!

today’s myth is brought to you by the letter a
for ARGONAUTS
which is the name
for a group of dudes
(or “NAUTS”)
who sailed on a ship called the ARGO
which was named after a dude Argus
who coincidentally made that boat
and named it after himself
because he was apparently pretty proud of it

but wait
wait
lemme fill you in on some backstory right quick
because the main character of our story
is this dude Jason
whose main claim to fame
is being popped out of he right vag
at the right time
seeing as he is the son of this king named Ioclus
who got deposed by his asshole brother Pelias
who hera has a massive problem with
because he apparently honors every single god
EXCEPT FOR HER
So apparently in Pelias-land
it is extremely important
to make sure that every god likes you
EXCEPT THE GODDESS OF REVENGE

now as we’ve seen before
hera is a pretty vindictive lady
so she sets about making sure Jason is a hero
so he can eventually kill his uncle or whatever
oh yeah and Pelias totally wants to kill Jason by the way
for exactly this reason
but Jason’s mom fools the shit out of him
by being like OH WHOOPS MY BABY DIED
I AM SO SAD
NO NEED TO FACT-CHECK MY STATEMENT
LOOK AT THESE TEARS THEY ARE THE GENUINE ARTICLE
and then later Jason lives with a centaur for a bit
and then starts doing adventure stuff

so basically the first adventure Jason has
is he is on his way to go kill his uncle
when he comes to this wicked brutal river
and there is this old lady on one side
all like please sonny will you ferry me across this here waterstreet
and jason is like sure no problem
do i get a merit badge or some shit
and the old woman is like nope you just get to almost drown
because i am secretly hera
also super heavy
also you are going to lose a sandal in the river
and Jason is like sounds great let’s do it

so Jason finally shows up to Pelias’s place
like hey dude
i hear you have something that belongs to me
it’s called my kingdom
I would like that right now please
and Pelias is like what
you don’t even have both shoes
how am I supposed to take you seriously
when you can’t even operate a pair of shoes
here come have dinner with me little dumbass

so they start boozin’ it up together
and Pelias is like so you want to be king eh
and Jason is like fuck yeah
and Pelias is like well you know
kings have to deal with all kinds of problems
can you help me solve a problem
and jason is like sure
and pelias is like okay so
there’s this guy
in my court
in fact i’m eating dinner with him right now
I wish he would go away
and then die
if you were in my position what would you do
and jason is like hmmmm
well I guess I’d send him on a suicide mission to go get the golden fleece
it is this worthless artifact
that only an idiot would agree to go after
and Pelias is like hey do you wanna go get the golden fleece for me?
and Jason is like DO I?!
YESSSSSSSSSS

so then he goes out and get that boat built and everything
and athena helps out with making the mast
such that it has a weird human voice and whispers useless secrets
so great job athena
and meanwhile Jason goes out
and assembles an all star team
of BASICALLY EVERY HERO EVER
to be on his doomboat
seriously
he’s got Hercules
and Theseus
and Orpheus
and Peleus
and Bellerophon
and Atalanta
and like a dozen others I’ll prolly add later
this right here
this could be a table of contents for my blog

anyway all these dudes
(and one dudette)
are stupidly gung ho about this death mission
because basically this is what you do when you’re a hero
time and time again you drag your naked ass into the butcher shop
and you slap your giant cock and balls down on the cutting board
and you look that butcher in the eyes
and you DARE HIM to pick up that knife
or in atalanta’s case I guess you put your tits on the cutting board?
someone else’s dick maybe?
the parallel is unclear
BUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THESE GUYS ARE ON A FUCKING SUICIDE ADVENTURE

so stop number 1
is an island populated entirely by women
where they remain for several weeks
for no very clear reason
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
I know I keep coming back to Atalanta
but i kind of feel bad for her in this situation
although I guess first of all she was a dedicated virgin at this point
and second of all even if she wasn’t
she’s basically got VIP seating
on the carnival cruise of sausage
so things are working out pretty ok for her

anyway after that sexy little detour
they go to this place called Samydessus
but the king
Phineas
is not too jazzed to see them
because his castle is suffering
from an acute harpy infestation
which basically means
that every day
around mealtime
a whole bunch of ugly screaming birdwenches
swoop down from the rafters
screaming and shitting all over everything
but that’s fine
because two of the argonauts can fly for no good reason
so they chase off the harpies
and then everything is awesome again

and as thanks
phineas tells them about an upcoming booby trap
hehe booby
that is just these two massive rocks
that clap your ship to pieces
so basically like that shitty trap from every platformer ever
but in real life
in the ocean
and the solution?
chuck a bird through first
sacrifice the shit out of that fucker
and by doing this they manage to get through
and the ship is only slightly crushed

so after all this sex and bullshit
the argonauts finally get to Colchis
where the golden fleece is
but there is a problem
see there’s this king
Aeetes
who is convinced that this golden fleece belongs to him
because it is in his kingdom
and he has a dragon guarding it or whatever
so when Jason shows up like hey gimme dat fleece
the king is like sure no problem
all you gotta do for me is a couple household chores
go yoke those bulls over there
and plow my fields
and plant these seeds
by the end of today
PS the bulls breathe fire and hate you

but see luckily for Jason
Hera has strongarmed slutgoddess Aphrodite
into making one of Aeetes’ daughters
(Medea)
Fall head over junk for Jason’s butcher block bound mansausage
and what’s more
Medea happens to be a pretty sweet sorceress
so she is like hey Jason
I’ll make you an asbestos elixir if you suck my tits
and Jason is like I CAN’T LOSE

so he rubs asbestos all over his body
and the bulls cannot harm him
and he plows the field with them
and then scatters the seeds all over the place
oh wait did i say seeds
I meant DRAGON TEETH
HOW COULD HE HAVE MISTAKEN THESE FOR SEEDS
anyway whereas seeds turn into things like plants and fruit
dragon teeth turn into armies of angry warriors
bent on your destruction
so that’s an immediate problem
except not really
because Medea gives Jason some pretty sweet psychological advice
which is hey throw a rock at one of those guys
and Jason does
and he hits a dude in the head
and that dude makes the natural assumption
that one of his friends threw a rock at him
and kills his friend
which just leads to a massive bloodbath circlejerk
and the day is saved
raising the question
WHERE ARE THE OTHER ARGONAUTS
I mean come on
this is a motherfucking dream team right here
in fact
if you took a dream team
pounded them into liquid
churned that liquid into the heavy whipping cream of the crop
and spread that shit all over lady luck’s naughty bits
you would not have a more complete hero experience
than the one present on board the good ship Argo
and yet at the first sign of actual combat
the conflict is quickly reduced to an arms race
between a bunch of teeth
and a rock

so anyway Aeetes is pretty pissed about this
but he just smiles and is like
great job Jason and also my daughter
guess I have to give you the golden fleece now
(psst Medea i’m totally not going to give him the fleece
i’m just going to kill him
i can trust you with this information yes?)
at which point medea is like
(psst Jason
my dad wants to kill you
wanna go get us some golden motherfucking fleece?)
and jason is like why are we whispering
yeah let’s fucking do it

so they go to the sacred grove with the fleece in it
which is guarded by a dragon by the way
whole lotta dragons in this myth
anyway jason is like oh will you look at that
according to my sundial
it is SWORD O’CLOCK
BYAAAAAAA
but medea is like shh honey
i know you are all about swords and bad decisions
but how about you let me handle this
and then she just rubs a sleeping potion on a dragon
and jason grabs the fleece
and they get on the boat
with all the other heroes
who have probably just been getting blackout drunk this whole time
and they sail back home
and then Jason immediately dumps medea for some whore
provoking all kinds of nastiness

so the moral of the story
is you don’t need common sense or better judgement
when you have divine favor and disposable women

also I bet you are muttering to yourselves
what the fuck is a golden fleece?
well that, my friends
is a story for another time

THE END(?)