Faustus is one BAD MOTHERFUCKER

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Alright so announcement time:

A dude gave me 20 dollars
so I am in the process of recording a rap
about motherfucking OEDIPUS REX
see what i did there
motherfucking?
ha HA!
anyway that should be done by the end of the week or something
keep your ears peeled
except not literally that would be gross
that’s some serial killer shit
ANYWAY here’s a myth suggested by this dude(tte?) Husker

So this kid Faustus right

actually he is not a kid he is a grown man
he is grown as FUCK actually
he is so grown he has like
A PhD in philosophy
and he’s a lawyer
also a doctor
probably got a MBA in tapdancing or some shit
point is this dude is a career academic

but he is SURPRISINGLY UNSATISFIED
in fact as our story begins
he is pacing back and forth in his study
like HMM WHAT IS THE BEST SCIENCE?
MEDICINE?
NOPE.
LAW?
NOPE.
LOGIC?
NOPE.
OH I KNOW
NECROMANCY
THAT’S TOTALLY A SCIENCE
LET’S DO THIS

so he hits up his shitty evil friends
Valdes and Cornelius
oh come on
how can you not be evil with a name like cornelius
or valdes for that matter
those are some evil goddamn names
OH SHIT SEGUE
because damning god is exactly what these fools are about to do
in fact by the time they leave
faustus is damning god so hard
that this demon mephistopheles shows up like FINE WHAT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
and faustus is like do my bidding
and mephistopheles is like DO YOU HAVE A SOUL I CAN BORROW
NOT REALLY SURE WHEN I CAN GET IT BACK TO YOU
I JUST NEED SOME SOULS TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED
and faustus is like how about i give you my soul in 24 years
and in the meantime you do my fucking bidding
and Mephistopheles is like
well
lemme check with my boss

GUYS
THERE IS NO HAGGLING AT ALL
AND FAUSTUS DOES NOT EVEN TRY TO START
FROM A NONSHITTY BARGAINING POSITION
24 FUCKING YEARS?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO IN 24 YEARS ASSHOLE
WRITE A FUCKING MEMOIR?
YOU COULDN’T HAVE ASKED FOR
I DON’T KNOW
TWENTY FIVE YEARS?!
HOW ABOUT 30 OR SO?
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?
DID YOU LOOK UP THE BLUE BOOK VALUE OF YOUR SOUL IN ADVANCE?
THERE IS NO EXCUSE

meanwhile faustus’s servant Wagner steals one of his books
and uses a bunch of shitty magic to scare a clown

BACK TO THE MAIN ACTION
mephistopheles shows up like AHOY BITCH
I BROUGHT A CONTRACT FOR YOU TO SIGN IN BLOOD
and faustus’s conscience is like no don’t do it
and faustus is like FUCK YOU CONSCIENCE I’M A SCIENTIST
ALSO A NECROMANCER
hey mephistopheles i’m not gonna get aids from this am I?
and mephistopheles is like no worries dude
we sterilize all our satan knives
go nuts
so faustus goes nuts
and cuts his arm
but his blood is like FUCK NO DUDE
AIN’T GOIN’ NEAR THAT FUCKING CONTRACT
and it clots right the fuck up
and mephistopheles is like I KNOW
I’LL USE FIRE ON IT
so he goes off to get some fire
and faustus is like i dunno about this man
my blood seems pretty suspicious of this deal
I am actually going to have to set my blood on fire
if i want to do this
that is more inauspicious than a broken mirror
covered in salt
under a ladder
with vampires stapled to the sides
oh well fuck it
and he signs the contract anyway

so now faustus has his very own demon slave
and he is like hey mephistopheles
tell me facts about the universe
and mephistopheles is like sure ok
and faustus is like who made the universe
and mephistopheles is like i plead the 5th
and faustus is like aw man
this is lame
how about I TAKE BACK MY SOUL?
and mephistopheles is like
how about i distract you with this mini-play
about the seven deadly sins
and faustus is like AWESOME
DEAL

meanwhile fastus’s horsekeeper Robin finds one of his books
and calls up his buddy rafe
and is like DUUUUUUUDE
LET’S GO TO A BAR
I WILL CONJURE ALL THE BOOZE

OKAY BACK TO PLOT
so apparently fastus’s first order of business
after using his superpowers to gain infinite knowledge
is to go to Rome and prank the pope
guys
Germany is practically within WALKING DISTANCE OF ITALY
THEY WERE ON THE SAME SIDE IN WORLD WAR TWO
SOMEONE IS UNDERUTILIZING HIS RESOURCES HERE
anyway basically he and mephistopheles show up
turn invisible
eat all the food
punch the pope in the head
beat the shit out of everyone
set off a bunch of fireworks
and leave
and this bullshit
nets faustus an invitation to chill with the king of germany

MEANWHILE ROBIN AND RAFE HAVE STOLEN SOME KIND OF CUP
it is apparently a valuable cup
because the dude who owns it is chasing them
they quickly put an end to this
by summoning MEPHISTOPHELES
who is like seriously guys
you made me come all the way over here
because you wanted a fucking cup
you keep this shit up and you guys are getting turned into ANIMALS
i’m going to Turkey
or germany or something

so faustus teleports back to germany
to see this king
who is like hey dude
conjure alexander the great
and faustus is like sure no problem
here
also here is his lover
also here are some dudes he killed
watch him kill them again
look here’s a horse
you want some elephants
you want a hot air balloon full of tits
I can make that happen
i can keep going with this shit all night

but then this dude Benvolio
who is nursing a WICKED HANGOVER
is like BOOO YOU SUCK
and faustus is like i suck eh?
do i suck as bad as HAVING ANTLERS ON YOUR HEAD?
LET ME KNOW
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME NOW
and then benvolio is like ima kill you
and chops off faustus’s head
and faustus just puts that shit back on
like bitch
i did not sell my soul to satan
just to get decapitated by some candyass lightweight
with ANTLERS ON HIS HEAD
hope you like having demons drag your dick through thorns
then throw you off a cliff
because that is the new itinerary i just made for you
have fun cockwit

then on his way home
faustus runs into some dude who buys horses
and he is like hey do you want to buy a horse
i’ll sell it to you cheap
but remember
NEVER RIDE THIS HORSE IN WATER
FOR UNSPECIFIED REASONS
and the horse dude is like sure ok
and then IMMEDIATELY RIDES IT INTO WATER
AND IT TURNS INTO STRAW
so naturally he gets pretty pissed
and he goes and finds faustus sleeping
and he’s like hey assbasket
wake the fuck up
and faustus is all ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
and the horsedude is like how about I PULL ON YOUR LEG
and faustus’s leg COMES OFF IN HIS HAND
and the dude is like SHIT I JUST STOLE A BODY PART
I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
AAAAAA
and he runs away with the leg
at which point faustus grows a new leg
and starts laughing his ass off

so horsemaster retard goes and finds another dude
who sells hay
who faustus ripped off
basically by eating all of his hay for some reason
and then two of them
plus robin and rafe
who are just shitfaced and having a good time
all go confront faustus in some royal court
where he is busy making a plate of grapes out of thin air
guys is it just me
or have faustus’s tricks gotten progressively shittier
as this story has gone on
it used to be BOOM INFINITE KNOWLEDGE
now it is like hey
…grapes
anyway the angry dudes show up
and faustus uses magic to make them mute
and everyone lives happily ever after

EXCEPT NOT REALLY
because then faustus goes back to his old office
and spends some time dicking around
conjuring helen of troy and shit
and then this old dude shows up
like hey faustus
you know how you sold your soul to lucifer?
like with a contract and everything?
well guess what
if you act now
you can repent and COMPLETELY ABANDON YOUR AGREEMENT
NO MONEY DOWN
NO OBLIGATION
ABSO-FUCKING FREE
and faustus is like hm nope
i think i’d rather sign an extra contract with satan
so i can go to double hell instead of regular hell
sounds more hardcore

so then mephistopheles shows up like WELP IT’S HELLTIME
and faustus is like WAIT I REPENT
and mephistopheles is like too late asshole
you could have repented before
like ten minutes ago
but you have PASSED THE ARBITRARY CUTOFF POINT
PREPARE TO GET SPINEFUCKED BY THE FLAMING DICK OF THE DAMNED
and then faustus gets dragged to hell
and spends the rest of eternity in an endless flaming gangbang

so the moral of the story is
you can totally get away with selling your soul
as long as you repent at the last possible moment
also
the last possible moment
is probably some time BEFORE you sign a second contract
and demons show up to physically drag you into the inferno
timing is everything

THE END.

The daughters of Minyas provide me with the perfect opportunity for a RECAP

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Okay so guys first of all
remember a couple days ago
when i said you should look to the left
for some reason
i actually meant look to the right
i was trying to trick you
i was talking about that little link over there
that says A SMORGASBORD OF MYTHOLOGY
but it’s ok because it wasn’t ready then
and it’s still not totally ready now
but it is at least more ready
anyway go click it or something
and i will let you know when it is finished

SO
ORGIES

alright so this myth
takes place back in the days
right after bacchus was born
when a lot of people still refused to believe
that there was an actual god
of getting drunk and partying nonstop until you vomit rainbows
and so basically he had to prove he was a god
by killing a bunch of dudes and turning the rest into animals
i like to think he was not totally into this
and was just kind of like dammit guys
i just wanna have a fucking party
and if i have to kill half of you
and turn the other half into dolphins
SO HELP ME I WILL DO IT

so anyway there’s this orgy going on
where all the women everywhere
worship bacchus by ditching work and fucking each other
and sometimes rippin’ off dudes’ faces
it is kind of incredibly sweet
but there are these chicks
the daughters of Minyas
who are determined to totally buzzkill the party
they are like hey
let’s stay in our house all day
and not give our servants the day off
and just weave shit
and talk about how much better we are than the orgy people
because we worship athena
the goddess of not having fun sexy times
also weaving

so this is exactly what they do
and meanwhile
to pass the time
or maybe just to drown out the orgy sounds
they start telling stories
they tell some pretty sweet stories
like they tell the story of pyramus and thisbe
and that one about hephaestus pranking ares
and the one where the sun falls in love with some chick
and also the one about where hermaphrodites come from
and then they run out of stories or something
and bacchus is like WELL LADIES
I WAS ENJOYING YOUR STORIES
AS A BACKDROP TO ALL THIS SEX I’M HAVING
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO TURN INTO BATS

so then all the chicks are not chicks
they are bats
and they go screeching all the fuck over everywhere
proving once and for all
that if anyone ever invites you to an orgy
you better ACCEPT THAT INVITATION

the end.

Holi is literally a murder festival

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This one courtesy of a drunk guy i know
who wasn’t me
but was certainly talking to me

so you remember Vishnu?
he was the guy shooting blood out of his face that one time
i’m sorry i gave him kind of a bad rap before
he’s actually pretty legit
here’s why

so there’s this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
apparently when they were handing out names
this guy was too poor to buy a real one
and just picked up all the discarded syllables off the floor
and made this clusterfuck of a hero sandwich out of letters
anyway this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
spends a whole bunch of time doing penance
for nothing at all
or maybe for all the really bad shit he is planning on doing in the future
either way he finishes all this penance
and he hits up Brahma (the tithungry ultragod)
and is like can I get a boon
and Brahma is like well since you did all this penance
and you didn’t even do anything wrong
you have atoned so hard that you get SUPERPOWERS
so sure what do you want
and this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like ahem
i have rehearsed this
hold on

I want to not be killed
during the day or at night
in a house or outside a house
or on earth or in the sky
neither by man or by animal
he also says neither by astra nor shastra
but all i can find on the subject
suggests that a shastra is a code of laws or something
and i don’t even know what an astra is
so maybe he is worried about some kind of papercut?

so brahma is like sure dude
i mean
you realize
you could have just said “I want to never be killed”
that would have been a lot simpler
and probably a lot more foolproof
seriously dude this is some macbeth shit
you are just begging for someone to kill you on a technicality
and the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like i don’t even give a fuck I am declaring WAR ON YOU RIGHT NOW
SEEING AS I CANNOT BE KILLED EVER AT ALL
MY PLAN IS SO FOOLPROOF
FOOLS ARE JUST SLIDING OFF OF MY PLAN LIKE GREASED BUTTER OFF A DUCK
A DUCK THAT DEFLECTS BUTTER INSTEAD OF WATER
GREASED BUTTER
ANYWAY WARTIME

so then he goes around
terrorizing the shit out of 100% of everyone
and he is like guess what guys
i am hereby changing the name of every town
to murdertown
until all yall agree to stop worshipping gods
and start worshipping me
the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
and everyone is like what
how can we we worship you
we don’t even fully understand what your name is
and the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like oh look i just ate your chest and everyone is like ALL HAIL…
THIS GUY

but there is one dude who will not worship this cockblister
and it just happens to be HIS VERY OWN SON
PRAHLADA
see Prahlada is just all about lord Vishnu
(see i told you this story was going to be about Vishnu
you need to learn to trust me my friends)
and no matter how much murder his dad does,
Prahlada just does NOT
STOP
BELIEVING

so naturally this pisses mister HIRANYAKASHIPU off
and he is like son
there comes a time in every man’s life
where his father puts poison in his mouth
and then tramples him with elephants in a room full of hungry snakes
that time is now
good luck
and then six hours later he is like FUCKING DAMMIT HOW ARE YOU ALIVE
I mean hey son what’s up
i need you to go sit in this fire i am building for you
it is a very special birthday gift from me to you
and Prahlada is like it’s not my birthday
and Hiranyakashipu is like LOOKS LIKE CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY THIS YEAR
GET IN THE FUCKING FIRE
look your evil aunt Holika is already in there
not burning up or anything
it’s totally fine

of course what he neglects to mention
is that Holika is IMMUNE TO FIRE
as a result of another one of Brahma’s retarded boons
seriously this dude is just handing out boons
like oh thank you for the delivery pizza
geeze i don’t have any cash
do you accept boons
anyway Prahlada is like WHATEVER DAD
I’LL GET IN THE FIRE IF THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
and he gets in that fire

so he’s sitting there in this fire with his evil asbestos aunt
and he is like hey vishnu
can you make me not catch on fire
and vishnu is like done
also as an added bonus
Holika is on fire now
I guess I gave you her fire resistance or something
whoops
hold on I’ll be there in a second don’t move

so then Vishnu shows up
only he’s not Vishnu
he is a dude with a LION HEAD
also claws
he is basically the minotaur
but with LIONS
holy shit
and he is like hey Hiranyakawhatever
I heard there was a potluck
so i brought some murder
but i didn’t make enough for everybody
just you basically

so then basically what he does
is he takes hiranyakashaka
and he forces him to sit in his lap
like some kind of hindu murdersanta
and vishnu’s lap
as you might have guessed
is neither heaven nor earth
and he is sitting on the front porch of the demon’s house
which is neither inside nor outside technically
also since he is a weird lion dude
he is neither man nor animal
and no one knows what ashtra or shastra is so that’s moot
also it is twilight
so there’s that

anyway then Hiranyakaboo is dead
and everybody celebrates by throwing paint at each other
this actually still happens in india

so the moral of the story
is next time you get a genie or a retarded boon
just wish for immortality
because you just cannot prepare
for crafty lion-dudes

The end.

It is hard for Set to not be a douchebag

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Alright so back to egypt

when last we left our heroes
set just got finished murdering Osiris
and then tearing up his body
and eating his dick
and then isis put him back together and hooray

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
because as soon as Osiris gets resurrected or whatever
ISIS GETS PREGNANT WITH THIS DUDE HORUS
well actually that is not the bad part
because horus is a pretty cool dude honestly
no see the bad part
is that seeing as set was totally willing to EAT OSIRIS’S DICK
just to prevent him from getting a proper burial
all signs point towards he is going to murder the shit out of this baby
especially since horus is like basically fated
to murder the shit out of set if he ever gets old enough

so isis is pretty careful about keeping her baby away from murder
but then one day set is like HEY ISIS COME INTO THIS SPINNING MILL
and isis is like SPINNING MILL HOORAY
and then set is like oh did i say spinning mill
i meant WRETCHED IMPRISONMENT FOREVER
I AM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION
BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT IS A SPINNING MILL
DOESN’T MATTER CAUSE THIS IS A PRISON
NOT A SPINNING MILL

so isis is understandably upset about this
and in fact so is this super wise dude thoth
so he comes down and is like hey isis
how would you like to escape this prison
and isis is like i would like that a lot
so thoth is like boom
problem solved
here
have some scorpions
and isis is like WHAT THE FUCK SCORPIONS
and thoth is like chill out girl
these scorpions will guide you to safety
trust me i’m the fucking god of wisdom ok

so isis takes horus
and follows these 7 scorpions
for like A FUCKING WEEK
no one has any ideas where they are going
probably because the guides in this scenario
are goddamn SCORPIONS
SCORPIONS ARE NOT THE ULTIMATE GUIDES MY FRIEND
THEY ARE FANTASTIC AT STINGING THE SHIT OUT YOU
BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTION
anyway after like a week or whatever
isis and the scorpions and horus finally arrive in some town
and isis see’s this rich chick’s house
and she goes up to it like hey hey open up
and the rich chick is like oh why hello thereHOLY SHIT SCORPIONS
NO WAY
NO NO NO NO FUCK NO NO NO
so once again
scorpions: THE ULTIMATE GUIDES?

but so no sooner has the rich chick slammed her door
then this poor chick is like oh hey there
i see you have scorpions
i’m poor i’m not afraid to die
come crash at my hovel
so everybody goes over to the poor chick’s place
but then
PLOT TWIST
the scorpions all throw a shit fit
about not being invited into the other house
and they are like let’s go murder her BABIES
THUS PROVING ALL OF HER DOUBTS ABOUT US
COME ON WE’RE SCORPIONS LET’S DO THIS
so they go inside and they sting the shit out of the chick’s baby
and she hears the baby crying and she is like fuuuuuuuuck
i hope that is not the sound of my baby
getting stung
by SCORPIONS
that would be terrible
oh wait that is exactly what it is

so isis hears all this commotion
and she is like GOD DAMMIT SCORPIONS
YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST GUIDES
NOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS
so she runs up to where the baby is
you know
dying
and she is like hey poison inside that baby
and the poison is like SUP
and she is like get out of that baby
and the poison is like dammit fine
and then the rich chick realizes she is dealing with a fucking GODDESS
and is like aw crap
guess i better give all my money to the poor chick
and then isis leaves like ANOTHER DAY SAVED
THANKS TO ME AND NO THANKS TO THESE SCORPIONS

so then eventually
she ends up in the marsh she was supposed to check out
and she hides horus in the mud
like ok son
i am going to bury you in marshfilth now
among poisonous animals
some of which I KNOW are irritable scorpions
so just
try not to move around too much
i’m gonna go get burgers

so later isis comes back
and she is like horus i got burgers
would you like some burgers
hey you can move slightly more than that you know
actually you don’t seem to be moving at all
or like breathing or anything
oh fuck what happened
Set did you do this
and set is like yup
straight up turned into a snake
bit your kid
what now bitch

and isis is like this is what now
and she screams the most heavy metal scream possible
it is so metal
it STOPS THE SUN
or more accurately
THE SUNBOAT
because the sun is not just a massive ball of superhot gases
it is also a BOAT
YEAHHHHHHHHHHH
and Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his hookers and stuff
and it stops all of a sudden
maybe there is even one of those record scratch sounds
from bad teen movies
and everyone is like whaaaaaaaaat
who threw a giant gleaming boner into the middle of our festivities
thoth go find out what isis is angry about

so thoth goes down to where isis is crying her face of
like what the fuck isis what did you do that for
and isis is like look i know you are itching to get your bone on
but could you do me a solid and just revive my son real quick
and thoth is like oh yeah sure no problem
boom
solving ALL your problems
by the way how were those scorpions i hooked you up with
pretty sweet right
and isis is like they were a pack of angry scorpions
that you gave
to a single mother with a child

anyway then horus is not dying anymore
but he and isis still have to hide out in the marshes
until he is old enough to get his balls up and murder set

so basically the moral of the story
is that scorpions are never helpful
they will sting all the babies
and then lead you to a marsh full of snakes
get a fucking terrier or something

the end.

Tantalus: Yet another bastard

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(Guys look over to the left
I am actually organizing this blog guys
it is totally crazy)

I can’t believe i didn’t do this one before

Ok so Tantalus right
fuck where do I even start with this guy
basically he’s this king of a place called Sipylus
which is practically an anagram of syphilis
so you know this guy is all class

anyway Tantalus starts moving in the right circles
and he makes a bunch of friends who are gods
and one night the gods are like dude come over
we’ll have a feast
it’ll be awesome
btw it’s a potluck

so Tantalus is like fuuuuuuck
i wanna make a stew
but I’m all out of meat
I KNOW
I’LL USE MY SON PELOPS
BRILLIANT
so he cuts up his son
and he boils him and makes soup
and then brings a big pot of filicide
to the gods’ party
all like SOUP’S ON BITCHES

but see here is the thing he forgets
is that these people are GODS
they have POWERS
THEY KNOW WHAT IS IN YOUR SOUP
THEY KNOW WHAT IS IN ALL THE SOUP
so when tantalus shows up like would you like to eat some murder
all the gods are like WHAT
GROSS
EW
WHAT THE FUCK MAN
THERE ARE STORES THAT SELL MEAT
ARE YOU
ARE YOU REALLY THAT LAZY?
LIKE
MURDEROUSLY LAZY?
and tantalus is like whoops you got me
my bad
but you guys can for sure bring him back to life
so it’s totally fine and i’m forgiven
right?
and the gods are like dammit fine

so they gather up all the chunks of Pelops
and put them in a sacred cauldron
and somehow magic reverse-boil them into a living dude
except WHAT’S THIS
PELOPS IS MISSING A SHOULDER
this is because Demeter
was so stressed out over her missing daughter persephone
that she was totally oblivious to all the cannibalism going down
and just ate pelops’s shoulder straight up not giving a shit
so the gods are like gr so annoying
hey HEPHAESTUS
and Hephaestus is like WHAT
and they are like make this guy a new shoulder out of ivory
so that happens
and then pelops turns out to be super hot
and then poseidon starts banging him up on mount olympus
but then zeus kicks him out
because he is pissed off at Tantalus still
because after the party
they find out tantalus stole a bunch of booze and stuff
also a gold dog
although actually he did not steal that from the gods
he stole that from his asshole friend Pandareus
who stole it from the gods
so this dude is basically just maxing out the fucked-up-ometer
so hard it shoots steam and gets rabies

so at this point
the gods are like why are we even friends with this guy
why did we ever invite him to any parties
why didn’t we just kill him instead
well it’s never too late for murder
so they kill him
and put him in Tartarus
which (if you recall) is basically double-hell
and they put some delicious grapes right over his head
and fill the shithole he’s standing in with tasty water
all the way up to his chin
but when he tries to grab the grapes
the grapes are like PSYCHE
NO GRAPES FOR YOU
and the water is basically the same brand of dick
so he is always hungry and thirsty
also i think there is a rock hanging over his head or something

so the moral of the story is basically just don’t be an asshole
except gods and stuff get away with being assholes all the time
so i think the REAL moral that tantalus illustrates
is don’t be an asshole THREE TIMES IN THE SAME DAY

the end.

Osiris gets his dick ripped off

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This is the kind of shit i’m talking about

okay so Osiris right
he’s the king of the gods
he thinks he’s hot shit
with his godly appendages up whole vast swathes of blouse
but meanwhile there’s this dick Set
that is his name
Set
I’m not talking about some kind of dick set
like you might purchase for an adult tea party
I am talking about the egyptian god
of the desert
storms
darkness
and chaos
basically if you are not having a good time
set is right there
flipping you off with both hands
while jacking off
with his third hand?
or maybe with a hand he stole
FROM A BABY
what i mean is Set’s a dick

the reason i mention set
is he gets all butthurt over not being king of the gods
and he is like I KNOW
IF I KILL OSIRIS EVERYONE WILL ELECT ME KING FOR SOME REASON
BOOYAH
so he has this great plan
which is he makes this coffin out of wood
which is like tailormade for Osiris basically
and then he calls up all the gods like HEY GUYS COME OVER
I’M HAVING A WEIRD COFFIN PARTY
and all the gods are like oh shit weird coffin party
we’ll be right over
so they all get there and Set is like alright i made this coffin
whoever fits perfectly inside it gets candy

my friends
this is how child molesters work
this is what they do except with vans instead of coffins

anyway all the gods think this sounds like an awesome idea
so they all take turns trying to get into the coffin
and they all fail
but then it’s Osiris’s turn
and Osiris is like i dunno guys this seems like a transparent ruse
and everyone is like come on don’t be a pussy
so osiris gets in the coffin
and then it slams shut and locks
and set lines it with lead and throws it in the Nile river
and everyone is like what the fuck set
what the fuck did you just do
and set is like can i be king now

so naturally Osiris’ wife Isis decides to go find him
so she can at least bury him properly now that he has drowned
and she finds out
that the coffin has floated all the way to Byblos
(which is actually just Lebanon in disguise)
and got absorbed by an oak tree
which got cut down
and used to build a support pillar
in a palace
for the king of Byblos
shit

so Isis shows up in Byblos like sup
is the queen around
and the queen is like whats up
and Isis is like my husband is embedded in your palace
may i please extract him
and the queen is like sure go ahead
it’s not like he’s a major structural support or anything
and isis is like haha sucker
and she goes to the pillar where the coffin is
and she removes it
WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PALACE AT ALL
thus inventing jenga

except then
instead of delicately placing the coffin on top of the palace
Isis takes out Osiris’s body
and drags it back to egypt
and buries it in the desert
so he can finally rest in peace
except i guess she forgets
that set is the GOD OF THE FUCKING DESERT
so he very quickly sniffs out Osiris
and is like hm i haven’t fucked with this guy enough
how about I tear this guy into 14 pieces
and EAT HIS DICK
so that is what he does
and he chucks the other 13 pieces all the fuck everywhere
and then Isis is like what is that noise
it better not be my husband getting ripped
well unless by ripped you mean super muscley
i wouldn’t mind that
except it would be weird if his corpse just suddenly grew pecs
so actually i take that back
i don’t want Osiris to get ripped in any sense of the word

BUT IT IS TOO LATE
IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED
IN THE VIOLENT WAY
NOT THE MUSCLES WAY
and Isis finds out and she is like fuck seriously
better go find all these body parts and bury them again
ignoring the fact that set will prolly just find them again
and rip them into SMALLER pieces
anyway she manages to find all the pieces
(which have turned into full moons by the way)
except for his dick
which like i said
SET ATE
or maybe a fish ate it
the myth is not clear but i prefer to think set did it

so isis is like shit
Osiris’s dick was like
the most important part of his personality
so what she does
is she makes a GOLD COCK
and she hangs it around her neck
and BAM
Osiris is alive again
I guess with a gold funpole?
guys i feel that this has happened somewhere before
anyway then Isis gets pregnant for some reason
and pops out Horus
i guess from wearing that cock around her neck

so ladies
i guess the moral of the story is
don’t wear a cock around your neck
because unwanted pregnancy
is the WORST accessory

The end.

Egyptians are pretty weird

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5

Damn it’s about time

so there is this dude Atum
(now to be fair
there are a ton of different versions of this story
or maybe just like 2
and the dude is named a different thing
depending on who you ask
but this version is by far the sweetest
so I am using it)
actually this dude does not exist
at least not at the beginning of the story
all there is is this shitty infinite water
called Nu
but then Atum
who – remember – doesn’t exist
is like this sucks
how about I CREATE MYSELF USING PURE WILLPOWER
so he does that

so then Atum is standing around
except actually he is not standing
there is no place to stand
so Atum is like fuck this
there is an acute hill shortage here
time to rectify that shit
so he makes a hill
and he stands on it
and later someone builds a temple BUT LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES

so obviously Atum gets pretty bored
seeing as all there is
in the ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE
is a hill and some water
so he hangs out on the hill for a bit
waiting for other awesome dudes
to literally will themselves into being
but they don’t
so he’s like COME ON GUYS
SOOOOOOO LAZY
fuck
fine I’ll make my own friends

but there is a problem
because apprently although Atum can make hills
and HIMSELF
he can’t make people
sexual reproduction is suddenly ruining everything
as usual
but Atum does not even give a shit
he just goes right ahead
and FUCKS HIS OWN SHADOW UNTIL HE GETS PREGNANT
THEN HE GIVES BIRTH TO KIDS OUT HIS MOUTH
yes guys
this is what happened
if egypt is to be believed
you are all either descended from spit or puke
depending on whether you are a boy or a girl?
see Atum has two kids
the phlegmkid is this dude Shu
god of air and stuff
meanwhile the vomit kid is a chick named Tefnut
goddess of moisture
not water mind you
but moisture
which makes sense with the whole vomit thing i guess

anyway Shu and Tefnut get together
and by their powers combined
manage to be exponentially more bored
than even their omnipotent father could have imagined
so they are sitting around and they are like hey
let’s make up some codes of laws and then get lost
so they do
somewhere in the shitty clusterfuck oceanstravaganza
that is everything everywhere forever
kind of like seaworld
but except seaworld is everything everywhere
and there is no shamu
and there is no amusement park
or hotdogs or whatever
it is just actually the water part of seaworld
and there are only three people there
and two of them are spit and vomit
and also lost
actually that last part is a lot like seaworld

so Atum is like god dammit guys
I fucked my own SHADOW so i wouldn’t be lonely
but lookie here
more tomfoolery
so what he does is he takes out his one eye
by the way he only has one eye
and he is like hey eye
go find my kids
so it does
and it brings them back to Atum
and atum starts crying
but the myth is not clear on whether he puts his eye back in
or whether it is just this weird floating sadness orb
but that is not important at all

what is important is that those tears hit the hill Atum made
and they turn into people
guys we are made of sadness
this is definitive proof
anyway then Shu and Tefnut start having kids somehow
maybe they fuck each other
it’s not like there’s any shortage of incest everywhere all the time
they pop out this kid Geb, the earth
and Nut, the sky
those are extremely large babies no lie

anyway later Geb and Nut give birth to all the trendy gods
like Isis and Osiris and whatever
and things proceed pretty much as would be expected
with a lot of murder and sex and stuff

so basically what it all comes down to
is we are made of tears
from the disembodied eyeball
of a guy who fucks his own shadow
i’m gonna go cry now
i hope it doesn’t turn it into babies.

the end.

Loki is still a dick, but also covered in poison

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5

Ok i’m sorry guys

one of the three of you who reads my blog on a regular basis
tells me that the story of loki being a dick to baldur
does not end just because baldur happens to be dead
it gets significantly worse
so i am going to tell you the rest of it
NOW

ok so Baldur is dead
and everyone is sad
and they set his body in fire
you know
like you do
and then his wife is so sad she dies
so they set her on fire too
and then Frigga is sad
but instead of dying
she gets the universe to agree to this stupid bargain
which is that if everybody cries about baldur he comes back to life
but loki WILL NOT STOP BEING A DICK
EVEN FOR A SECOND
so he disguises himself as some giantess
(that is a female giant)
named Thok
and refuses to lament baldur
even though he could have totally just refused to lament baldur normally
without disguising himself or anything
loki just has to make shit overly complicated
that is just who he is

so anyway then baldur fails to come back to life
and the gods are like FUCK LOKI
WHAT IS THIS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
and loki is like i dunno i thought it would be funny
and the gods are like guess what cockbark
it is not funny at all
and loki is like oh fuck better leave
so he turns into a salmon for a bit
and hides under a waterfall
but the gods find him
and they try to catch him but he jumps like a motherfucker
but it is ok because thor catches him
like just as much of a motherfucker
and then they take him
and chain him to a rock
in a cave
under a snake
which constantly drools venom all over his eyes
until the end of the fucking world
proving that no matter how crafty you are
eventually your friends will figure shit out
and douse your eyes with poison
so maybe you should be nice to your friends sometimes

the end.

What the fuck Loki

Posted on by
22

Guys this is a very important post
because it has two very important informations in it
one is that i am like a third of the way through linking up all the posts
you can see a fine example of the kind of bullshit that is happening here

SECOND ANNOUNCMENET
i have decided fuck video myths
at least until i am no longer on the road
because finding internet to post 5-7 videos is fucking exhausting
and the quality is shite anyway
BUT NEVER FEAR
BECAUSE LISTEN GUYS
The next time I get a total of 20 bucks from you assholes
I am going to post a rap
about a MYTH
like right now I am working on a rap version of Oedipus Rex
(which you may recall was the first ever myth on this blog)
So give me money and I will give you raps
don’t believe I can do it? WELL FUCK YOU.

ANYWAY

Holy shit guys this myth pisses me off

so basically what happens
is there is this god Baldur
he’s real pretty and everybody loves him
and he knows it
but he’s not a prick about it or anything
but then SUDDENLY
Baldur starts having this shitty terrible nightmares
that are just like HEY BALDUR
GONNA DIE BALDUR
GONNA GONNA DIE

so baldur goes to Odin
all like waah dad i had a bad dream
and odin is like OH FUCK SON
WE GOTTA GO ASK SOME DEAD WITCHES ABOUT THIS SHIT
so he rides his weird octopus horse sliepnir
all the way to the grave of this chick Volva
only i dont know why she has a grave cuz she’s not really dead
she just kind of pretends to be dead all the time
and tells the future
so basically like some kind of psychic emo possum
anyway odin shows up all like WAKE UP BITCH
and volva is like WHAT
and Odin is like I passed Hel on the way here
and they looked like they were bout to have some kind of hootenanny
WHY IS THIS
and Volva is like oh your son’s gonna die
this is NOT the answer Odin wanted to hear

so he goes back to Asgard
and he is like hey frigga i have good news and bad news
and frigga is like give me the good news first
and odin is like our son is going to die
and frigga is like FUCK THAT’S NOT GOOD NEWS
and odin is like oh shit yeah i forgot
there is no good news
there is only bad news
so yeah

then frigga calls all the gods together
and she is like guys what the fuck
who is plotting to kill my son
and they are like what
we like Baldur why would we do that
what are we some kind of band of scheming murdering assholes?
and loki is like I am
and everyone is like shut the fuck up Loki

so since obviously this is accomplishing nothing
frigga decides to go out
and singlehandedly make EVERYTHING PROMISE NOT TO KILL BALDUR
not everyONE mind you
but everyTHING
like fire and dandelions and refrigerators and tornadoes
like have you ever played katamari damacy
it is like one of those fucking lists the king of all cosmos rattles off
during the loading screen for every level
like someone gave acid to a random number generator and hit it with a shovel
she is just like guys
kill whoever you want as long as it isn’t baldur
and everything is like yeah sure no problem
we like baldur
baldur’s hot

so pretty soon baldur is indestructible by default
just basically because everything abjectly refuses to kill him
and his brothers think this is funny as shit
in fact they keep having parties
that consist solely of duct taping their brother to a wall
and throwing shit at him
i feel like they are not the first brothers to have ever done this
but they are definitely the first to get away with it

but for some reason
and seriously guys
i have NO IDEA what that reason might be
loki is not okay with this
so what he does
is he dresses up as a woman
(the guy likes to feel pretty, ok)
but an OLD woman
and then he sidles up to frigga
who is watching her sons throw weapons at her other son
and is like hey what the fuck is going on over there
and freyja is like oh its fine
everything in the entire world has promised not to kill baldur
except that mistletoe over there
but that’s just because it is too young and easily influenced to make promises
pretty safe, huh
and loki is like YESSSS
UNBELIEVABLY SAFE

so of course loki grabs that nubile young mistletoe
and sharpens the fuck out of it
and puts it on a spear
and then he goes and finds Baldur’s sad blind brother Hoder
who is like boo hoo i want to throw shit at my brother
but no one will let me have a weapon cuz i’m blind
and loki is like OH THE INJUSTICE
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS BLIND DOESN’T MEAN
THAT SHE SHOULDN’T BE ABLE
TO HURL DEADLY WEAPONS AT HIS FAMILY
HERE TAKE THIS SPEAR
and hoder is like AWESOME THIS DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A BAD IDEA AT ALL
and he flings the spear
and for some reason manages to hit Baldur DIRECTLY IN HIS HEART
guys
HODER IS BLIND
THIS IS SPECIFICALLY WHY HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO THROW SHIT
WHY IS HE SO ACCURATE SUDDENLY
AAAAAAAAAA

anyway then baldur dies obviously
and everyone is really sad because they liked him
and now he is dead forever
man being a god in norse mythology doesn’t have all the perks it should

anyway the point here is
WHAT THE FUCK DID LOKI HAVE TO GAIN FROM THIS
it’s like
all you have to do
is REALLY REALLY want something not to happen
like the end of the world or your son dying or spiders erupting out your dick
and loki will MAKE THAT SHIT HAPPEN

so i guess the moral of the story
is if you are trying to get a bunch of stuff to promise not to murder someone
don’t forget to get LOKI in on that shit
seriously man what the fuck
i am getting rageblisters all over my body from this shit

the end i guess

Worship Bacchus OR ELSE

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2

Alright let’s see if i can do this before i pass out

so remember Tiresias?
in this myth he is up to his old tricks again
his old tricks being
to tell people bad things are going to happen to them
and then they happen
in this case he is talking to some dude named Pentheus
now i can pretty much guarantee
that Pentheus is not a name you are gonna see in any other myths
because the first thing that happens in this myth
is tiresias is like oh hey pentheus
you refuse to worship bacchus and then your face gets torn off
and Pentheus is like FUCK THAT
and literally picks up tiresias and throws him
PHYSICAL VIOLENCE AGAINST BLIND PEOPLE:
THE IDEAL REBUTTAL

so then tiresias leaves
and pentheus goes about the thirsty work
of ceaselessly being a dick
seriously this guy is such a big dick
his pubes are are forest of microscopic penises
it’s gross
ovid doesn’t write about that aspect of his character
but i know these things
but anyway basically what he does
is he sees all his soldiers going off to party with bacchus
and he is like FUCK THAT MURDER HIM INSTEAD
and the guys are all like Pentheus
hey
dude
we would much rather party
and Pentheus is like TOUGH TACOS TITWIZARDS
TIME TO GET TO WORK

so all pentheus’ dudes go out reluctantly trying to kill bacchus
and when they finally get back
they don’t have bacchus at all
they just have some dude
and pentheus is like hey who the fuck are you
and this dude tells a story
he is like I am a priest of bacchus
because one time
i was on a boat
and we found this kid on an island right
and this kid was WASTED
like so drunk
his skin cells were increasing the alcohol content of the surrounding air
by peer pressure
and i was like hm
this dude seems pretty fucking incompetent and self indulgent
HE MUST BE A GOD

so i told everyone he was a god but for some reason they didn’t believe me
and then they had a mutiny for some reason
i guess cause they wanted to rape this kid or something
and they were like hey little boy where you headed
and he was like whoa what the fuck
who are you people
what am i doing here
why is there a boat
the last thing i remember was trying really hard not to fuck a horse
anyway can i get a ride to Naxos

so all my sailor buddies are like SURE KID HOP ABOARD
and i start driving towards Naxos
but then they are like no
fuck that
i guess they wanted to take his clothes and stuff
but then it was ok because Bacchus
(that’s who the kid was by the way)
put a bunch of lions and shit on the boat
which made everyone jump overboard
and then they turned into like barracudas or some shit
i dunno many of the details honestly
because bacchus and i got obliterated on some kind of spiced wine after that
anyway now i’m one of his priests
pretty crazy huh

and pentheus is like YEAH
PRETTY CRAZY
GETTIN’ TORTURED ASSHOLE
but no sooner do they chain up this priest
when all his chains break for no reason
and then Pentheus is like FUCK THIS I’M GOING TO SEE BACCHUS MYSELF

so he starts walking in the direction of the massive party
the one bacchus is holding
the female only party that happens every once in a while
and he starts to get a little nervous
but he is not gonna let a little thing like nerves
get between him and his suicidal determination
so he shows up at the party
and the first person to see him is his mom
which must have been SO EMBARASSING
especially when she ripped his head off
while his sisters tore off his arms
this is some dusk til dawn shit that happens right here

and why do they do it?
because they are tripping balls on something
and think he’s a boar i guess
because the natural response to a wild boar is to tear its face off
with your hands
i have no fucking clue what these chicks are on
but it’s not just wine i can tell you that

so at first glance
you might be tempted to say that the moral of the story
is don’t do drugs
but pentheus didn’t do drugs and look where that got him
no the moral of the story is
try not to be the only one NOT on drugs
because that is when you are at a profound disadvantage
you need to take all the drugs to be safe
think about it like mutually assured destruction
but with PCP

The end.