Hey first off
does anyone want to put in the menial labor necessary
to link together all these myths
and put tags on them
because I’m doing it
but I’m doing it slower than i’m writing new myths
and i’m lazy/don’t have infinite time

Oh look a greek myth

so there’s this chick Psyche right
and before you ask
no this is not where the term psyche comes from
because this story has nothing to do with brains
it has to do with boning and death
so i guess this is just one of those things
where it’s a cognate
but it’s false
what’s the word for that?
oh yeah
BULLSHIT

anyway Psyche may not be the smartest pea in the brainpod
or she may be
myth does not say one way or the other
but either way
she is HOTTER THAN TABASCO FLAVORED LAVA
DIPPED IN SUPERMODELS
she has two sisters
but no one gives a shit about them
because THEY
are not nearly as hot
and hotness is the only metric by which any woman CAN EVER BE JUDGED

now i am not just blowing smoke up your ass
when i say Psyche was the hottest thing ever to wear a toga
she is so hot
everyone is like
guys i know we’ve been worshipping venus for like YEARS now
but this chick is WAYYYY hotter
PLUS
THIS CHICK MIGHT ACTUALLY DO US

so obviously Venus gets wind of this and she is like OH NO SHE DIDNT
HEY CUPID
GO MAKE THIS CHICK FALL IN LOVE WITH A MONSTER
and cupid is like sure mom no problem
but then he actually SEE psyche
and he pops a boner SO HARD
it knocks the arrow right out of his bow
and into his face
causing him to fall instantly in love with Psyche
although this step was probably unnecessary
considering how she is HOTTER THAN HABANERO PEPPERS MARINATED IN THE MOLTEN CORE OF THE EARTH AND SERVED WITH A CREAMY TITS GARNISH

so years go by
and cupid is a total limp dick
and does nothing about it
other than refuse to make ANY OTHER DUDES fall in love with her apparently
seeing as no one tries to so much as hit on this most bodacious of babes
right up until the point that her dad is like
WELP I NEED TO MAKE SOME BAD DECISIONS
HOW ABOUT WE ASK THE ORACLE AT DELPHI WHY YOU AREN’T GETTING LAID

so the oracle at delphi
SURPRISE SURPRISE
gives an answer that makes everything worse
which is HEY
YOUR DAUGHTER IS GONNA MARRY A MONSTER
ABANDON HER ON A MOUNTAIN
so they do
and cupid sees this
and he is like OH SNAP
THIS LOOKS LIKE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY
FOR CLASSY RAPE
so he conjures up some wind and BOOM
Psyche is standing in front of his sweetass mansion
but he is nowhere to be found
he gets on the PA system
and he is like hey the house is yours basically
I’m just going to show up every night and bang the shit out of you
it is extremely important that you never try and see who i am
mainly because i have commitment issues
and also I don’t want you to see me for some reason

so Psyche is pretty okay with this
because she gets a mansion
and nightly mindblowing sexytimes
but then one day her spiteful bitch sisters show up
and they are like hey
what’s your husband like
and Psyche is like umm uhh
and they are like I BET HE’S A SNAKE OR SOMETHING
you should probably violate the ONE SINGLE RULE
which he has asked you to obey
and Psyche is like i don’t see a problem with this
SEE PEOPLE
SEE HOW THIS STORY IS NOT ABOUT PEOPLE BEING SMART

So the next night Psyche once again has incredible bonertimes
with the god of love
but this time
once he passes out
she busts out a lantern
the better to see him with
and a knife
in case he is too ugly to live
and it turns out
GASP
HE IS CUPID
Psyche is so shocked by this
that she proceeds to spill hot oil all over her lover
who wakes up like WHAT HEY OW
OH SHIT YOU HAVE A KNIFE NOT AGAIN I’M OUT OF HERE
leaving Psyche alone and miserable
THANKS A LOT, WORTHLESS SISTERS

so Psyche spends the next many years
wandering around feeling sorry for herself
until Venus takes pity on her
oh wait did i say pity
I meant REVENGE
MORE NEEDLESS REVENGE
yeah she catches up with Psyche in a place called Murtia
and she is like hey bitch
how about sort these fucking seeds i found
while guarded by sorrow and despair
and some ants show up like HEY PSYCHE WE ARE YOUR ANIMAL PALS
HERE TO HELP
WE LOVE ORGANIZING SEEDS
and then Venus is like oh yeah
well how about hike to this super deadly waterfall
and get me some jewels from it
and zeus is like OH SHIT WOMEN ARE BAD AT HIKING
BETTER TURN INTO AN EAGLE AND WARP JUMP HER TO THE END
AND CONSPICUOUSLY FAIL TO RAPE HER THE WHOLE WAY
wait

WAIT

HOLD ON NOW

Zeus turns into an eagle
picks up the demonstrably HOTTEST CHICK ALIVE
and FAILS play hide-the-omnipotent-sausage with her?
I call BULLSHIT
but that is beside the point
cause THEN Venus is like ok fine
well how about go to HELL
and get me some coffin or something
I don’t even know
I’m seriously JUST DOING THIS TO KILL YOU
see
this is what the twelve labors of hercules would have been
if Eurystheus had ALSO been Hera
and hercules didn’t have super strength
and was cripplingly depressed all the time

so obviously Psyche dies
but Cupid is like dammit mom what the fuck
I’m telling Zeus
and Zeus is like FUCK THIS
EVERYBODY IS CONSTELLATIONS NOW
so Psyche becomes stars forever

so the moral of the story
is don’t listen to your ugly sisters
if you are getting fucked senseless nightly
by the invisible man
your life is basically paradise
unless you are a straight man i guess
then it would be more like prison
invisible prison
invisiprison?

The end.

Back to some Greek shit

Alright so Pan, right?
he’s the dude with the flute
always getting shitfaced and starting musical duels he CANNOT WIN
basically there’s this story
about how one time his dad Hermes
was like HEY SON
THERE’S THIS BRAND NEW DANCE MOVE CALLED MASTURBATION
HERE IS HOW TO DO IT
and Pan is like oh shit this is SWEET
I’m gonna teach this to some SHEPHERDS
and that is where we get masturbation

but guys
the real story here is not this story
but the story
of the dude
who used to TELL this story
his name is Diogenes
and he is the ultimate hobo

so this guy
he gets born in this place Sinope
his dad is a super important bank dude
and Diogenes uses this fact
to DEFACE ALL OF THE MONEY IN SINOPE
WITH A CHISEL
why?
because he hits up the oracle at delphi one time
and the oracle is like
DEFACE THE CURRENCY
and Diogenes is just like welp ok
but then he gets exiled
so he realizes maybe the oracle gave him TERRIBLE ADVICE AS USUAL
but no
he decides instead that it is his fault for misinterpreting
some REALLY OBVIOUS BAD ADVICE
and decides to deface the “political currency” of Greece

what the fuck does that mean?
well apparently
it means live in a bathtub
in the market square
bathe in the fountain
and jack off all over the fresh vegetables
sometimes people are all like BUT DIOGENES
IT’S WRONG TO MASTURBATE IN THE MARKET SQUARE
but Diogenes is just like I WISH I COULD SOLVE HUNGER
BY JACKING OFF MY STOMACH

one day Plato is walking around being a tool
like Plato tends to do
and he is like guess what
Socrates once defined man
as a featherless biped
pretty cool huh?
at which point Diogenes comes running into the room
with a plucked chicken
like LOOK PLATO I FOUND YOU A MAN
DON’T YOU FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE
and Plato does kind of feel like an asshole
in fact he amends the defenition of a human
to include flat toenails
thus solving the problem forever

so one thing leads to another
and Diogenes finds himself on a boat
that gets jacked by pirates
and he gets sold as a slave to this dude Xeniades
and Xeniades is like hey slave what are you good at
and Diogenes is like all I can do is rule over people
also masturbate in public
sell me to someone who needs to be dominated
and Xeniades is like TUTOR MY KIDS

so that’s what Diogenes does for basically the rest of his life
except at one point
when Alexander the Great shows up while he is napping
and is like hey dude
big fan
anything I can do for you?
and Diogenes is like yeah
get the fuck out of my sunlight
and Alexander the Great is like shit
i kind of wish I was this guy
and conspicuously fails to murder him in any way
and Diogenes lives happily ever after
still occasionally living in a bathtub
even though he has a fucking house and everything

so the moral of the story is
success comes in many forms
be it a career in finance
or a career in public masturbation and insulting people
the choice is yours

The End.

Alright so
when last we left our hero
he was finally getting his ass over to italy
BUT NOT SO FAST
because FIRST
he has to go
TO HELLLLLL
to see his dad so his dad can tell him about the future
this is not as easy as it sounds
and it does not sound easy

basically in order to prove that the fates want Aeneis in hades
he has to go into some nearby forest
and find this golden branch
and pull it off the tree it’s growing out of
and then give it to Charon
the boatguy of the damned
and then and only then does he get to fraternize with corpses
so he does all that shit
with the help of holy doves
and he goes to Charon like sup dude can you take me to hades
and charon is like bitch you best step off
and Aeneas is like how about you say that to MY GOLD TWIG
and charon is like oh shit fine

so than Aeneas is in hell
and who does he see
but DIDO
cause she KILLED HERSELF OVER HIM
so he feels kind of bad about that
but anyway he finds his dad
and then he is like sup dad did you wanna tell me something
that you could not have just told me
when you showed up as a ghost earler?
and his dad is like not really son
i just wanted to tell you some facts about hell
also your descendants are going to found rome
and it’s going to be a great empire and whatnot
because this book is basically a propaganda piece
for the great roman empire
did i already how tell you how great caesar is going to be
he’s going to be a pretty great dude no lie

so after Aeneas is done with all THAT bullshit
it is time for him to get more of his men murdered
so first off he and his men are sitting on the shores of italy
like damn we are hungry
let’s eat some fruit
using all of this awful rock hard bread as tables
oh man that fruit was nowhere near enough food
how about we eat our breadtables
OH SNAP
THE HARPY’S CURSE JUST CAME TRUE
WE JUST GOT SO HUNGRY WE ATE OUR TABLES
THAT WAS NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS WE EXPECTED
KIND OF FEEL GYPPED NOW GUYS
so that’s one obstacle down

but then they still gotta found their kingdom and everything
so they go hit up this dude Latinus
king of the latins
and also his daughter
Lavinia
and they are like hey can we chill for a while
and Latinus is like sure guys no problem
how about you just marry my daughter too while you’re at it
because see
Latinius heard a prophecy
all like “FOREIGN ARMY GONNA CONQUER YOUR KINGDOM SON”
and he was like shit i better ask the oracle to clarify this
because everyone knows that is exactly what oracles do
they clarify things
so basically the oracle is like HEY HEY
YOU SHOULD MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER OFF TO AENEAS
NOT TURNUS
WHO IS A GOOD FRIEND OF YOUR KINGDOM
AND HAS BEEN COURTING HER
FOR YEARS
YEARRRRRRRRRRRRRS
so Latinus is like sure no problem
and that is what he does

but NOT SO FAST, SUGARTITS
remember Juno?
she is not ABOUT to let anyone be happy just yet
i mean this is only book 7
there are 12 books
what the fuck do you think is going to happen in the next five
sewing circle?
FAT CHANCE
man having read this fucking legend
i really wish it had just ended here
reading the Aeneid was not a pleasant experience for me

so ok what happens next
is Juno sends this fury Allecto
to go piss off Latinus’s wife Amata
by wrapping a snake around her legs or something
so she is all like BLUH BLUH KILL AENEAS
and then Juno also tricks one of Aeneas’s dudes
into killing Turnus’s favorite stag accidentally
which is apparently enough reason
for shepherds to start murdering the FUCK out of Aeneas’s dudes
and from that point it’s just a nonstop avalance of murder
for like 5 books
wait 4 books
yeah that’s right
the murder does not stop until the VERY LAST PAGE
and actually
(SPOILER ALERT)
it doesn’t even stop then
you have to turn to the page after the last page
like
the acknowledgements
although depending on the edition you’re reading
there might be murder in the acknowledgements too
your best bet is to find one of the blank pages
they always leave in the front and back of books
presumably for people like me to draw dicks on
i’ve been experimenting with these for YEARS and i have found NO OTHER USE FOR THEM

so yeah then a war happens
Turnus is especially excited about this
since Aeneas was poised to snatch his woman
but really everyone is jazzed about special murder time
with the notable exception
of king Latinus
but finally
after a lot of yelling
he is just like CHRIST GUYS GET OFF MY DICK
I’M GOING TO SLEEP DO WHAT YOU WANT
so war
yes

first thing Aeneas does is run away
now to be fair
he is running away to get reinforcements
but that is not going to stop me
from calling him a pussy
so he goes to a place called Latium
and gets him some Latiums
and then he sails his ass all the way to Arcadia
where this king Evander guy
is like YEAH SURE WE’LL HELP YOU KILL LATINS
BUT FIRST LET US FEAST
NOT LIKE YOU’VE GOT ANY TIME PRESSURE OR ANYTHING
so they feast
and shoot the shit for a while
and then suddenly remember OH SHIT WE NEED TO GO FIGHT LATINS
and they raise an army of several thousand
but there are too many dudes for Aeneas’s boats
so they have to walk
which SUCKS

meanwhile Venus is like hey Vulcan
(Hephaestus)
make our kid Aeneas some armor
and Vulcan is like hold on
how do I know that’s even my son
and Venus is like come on i’m your wife
and Vulcan is like you’re also a WHORE
and Venus is like i’ll suck your dick if you make Aeneas some armor
and Vulcan is like now THAT’S what i pay you for
(why did he marry her?)
so Aeneas is on his way back to the war
when venus shows up like HEY SON
GOT YOU SOME ARMOR
IT’S GOT THE HISTORY OF ROME ON IT
PRETTY SWEET HUH

meanwhile Turnus is like hey Aeneas is gone
how about we kill all his dudes
so he leads his army over to their camp
but he can’t find a way in
so he just sets their ships on fire
but PLOT TWIST
turns out the boats are made of sacred wood
so instead of catching on fire
they dive under the water and turn into NYMPHS
BOOYAH
at which point Turnus is just like fuck this
SIEGETIME

so the Trojans are well fucked at this point
and decide their best bet is to get word to Aeneas
so they get these two dudes
Nisus and Eurylaus
to sneak out and get Aeneas
but apparently they confuse “sneak out and get Aeneas”
with “kill as many Latins as possible
until they hear the sound of your massive lootbag
and cut off your heads
and parade them on stakes in front of the Trojan camp”
these guys are not great at following directions
so then the Latins decide to attack
they manage to collapse a tower
but then the Trojans charge out of the fort like YAAA
and kill a bunch of dudes
then Turnus kills a bunch of dudes
and gets inside the city
but there’s too many dudes in there
so he has to jump in the river and float to safety
WHY DO THE LATINS NOT JUST SWIM IN THROUGH THE RIVER

Meanwhile Jupiter is watching this shit happen
like what the fuck Juno
what did you do
Just stop, ok?
please just stop
and Juno is like psh fine
i guess enough people have died
and will continue to die
as a result of my dickery

then Aeneas gets a boat
and arrives at the battle
and everyone kills each other a whole bunch
mainly Aeneas kills everyone
but also Turnus kills Pallas
who is the son of Evander
who Aeneas was specifically supposed to protect
and he gets REALLY PISSED OFF
(kind of like Achilles and Patroclus in the Iliad
kind of EXACTLY LIKE ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS IN THE ILIAD)
and he kills even MORE dudes
pretty much singlehandedly winning the battle
like i don’t even know why he brought dudes with him
this guy is a one man meatgrinder

so at this point Juno is like can i please just make Turnus not die
and Jupiter is like psh fine i guess
so Juno makes Turnus hallucinate SO HARD
he chases what he thinks is Aeneas onto a boat
and then the boat sails away
good luck explaining that later asshole

so then everyone is pretty tired of war for the next 12 days
and basically just dick around
you know
BURYING THEIR MOUNDS OF DEAD
and during this time king Latinus is also kind of like hey guys
we’re losing this war
harder than anyone has ever lost a war
and that is a tall order
considering the trojan war just fucking happened
can we just cede some territory and bow out of this murderfest?
and Turnus is like PUSSY
and Latinus is like oh yeah tough guy
howsabout dueling Aeneas to end this shit for good
and Turnus is like NO TIME GOTTA GO FIGHT MORE TROJANS
cause see the trojans are on their way right at that very moment
to fuck Lavinium down around the Latins’ ears
and then fuck their ears

so along with the great warrior maiden Camilla
Turnus rides out to
you guessed it
murder more dudes
but Camilla is murdering EVEN MORE DUDES
MORE DUDES THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE
until she sees something shiny
and gets herself stabbed trying to get it
The Aeneid:
Most crucial piece of feminist literature ever?
anyway it’s all downhill from there
and basically the Latins end up cowering in their city
wishing they had never listened to Turnus

well Turnus finally decides to take responsibility for his actions
and duel Aeneas for all the marbles
those marbles being Lavinia’s tits
but Juno gets all worried
cuz she knows Aeneas is way better at killing than Turnus is
so remember when Juno promised not to interfere anymore?
well FUCK THAT SHIT
SHE’S A GODDESS
SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS
she hits up Turnus’s sister Juturna
like hey chick
get war started again so Turnus doesn’t have to die in this duel
come on
you have the power
to replace Turnus’s death
with a thousand pointless deaths
and Juturna is like I’LL DO IT
so she dresses up like a noble
and goes over to the Latin soldiers
like hey
hey
i bet you could win right now
if you all just threw your spears
look
they are totally not expecting you to do this
because they are HONORABLE FUCKING PEOPLE
so a Latin dude throws his spear
and then all hell breaks loose
for like the FOURTEENTH TIME
and when the smoke clears
Aeneas has been shot in the leg
and Amata has been shot in the leg
and a bunch of dudes..
well
they have been killed
and we are back to square one
with Turnus challenging Aeneas to a duel again

so this time they actually fight
and Aeneas seems to have somehow acquired Turnus’s ass
at some earlier time
because during this battle
he HANDS IT TO HIM
and turnus is lying on the ground
like please Aeneas
don’t chop off my head
you can have Lavinia and everything it’s fine
i would just like to keep my head exactly where it is on my body
and Aeneas is like nope
and kills him

and that ends the story of Aeneas
which is basically just a combination of the Odyssey and Iliad
with most of the names changed
and less mercy
and a lot more hailing of Caesar and the Roman empire
so the moral of the story is
plagiarism is wrong
unless it’s government sponsored plagiarism

good luck on your term papers guys.