One time, there’s this donkey
this donkey is OLD
and therefore useless to humans
and since the retirement plan for donkeys is really just murder
this donkey decides he’d rather escape the farm and start a new career
as a musician.
So yes, this donkey is obviously senile
because having thumbs is normally a prerequisite to being a musician
but he manages to escape the farm anyway
and instead of laying low for a while
he heads straight for this town called Bremen
i guess because he’s heard that Bremen is full of dumb people who listen to shitty music
and on the way he sees a dog
this dog is tired
one might even say he is DOG tired?
I did it.
The best joke.
No one has to be funny ever again.
Anyway the donkey is like “Yo wassup dog
why you pantin”
and the dog is like “dude I’m old is what’s up
I don’t wanna run around killing other animals for my boss anymore
so he’s bout to Old Yeller my ass [spoilers]
but I ran away instead
and now I dunno what to do
So the donkey is like “Dude!
I’m getting a band together!
I’m on a mission
I’ll play guitar and you can beat the drums
and the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I LOVE DRUMS
but how are you gonna play guitar without thumbs?”
and the donkey is like “I was sort of thinking we’d be like an alternative noise-rock duo”
and the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
BUT FUCK IT LET’S GO.”
So they keep going and they see a cat
and this cat is PISSED
she’s got a look on her face like three gallons of warm pus
and the donkey is like “Whoah there, beard-licker
[that is actually what he calls her, for some racist reason]
why the stank-face?”
and the cat is like “I’M OLD
I AIN’T WANNA CATCH NO MICE
MY MASTER’S GONNA DROWN ME SO I RAN AWAY
BUT NOW I DUNNO WHERE TO GO
and the donkey is like “Have I told you about my really stupid plan?”
and the cat is like “no, but now I’m interested.”
and the donkey is like “I’m putting a band together
we’re on a mission
you’re a cat so you’re probably devious as fuck
you can be our manager.”
and the cat is like “Damn right.”
So they keep walking and they run into a rooster
and the rooster is just SCREAMING at the sky
and the Donkey is like “OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS”
and the rooster is like “Because!
I’m a fucking excellent rooster
I predict good weather and fuck all the hens on time and everything
but my master is still going to kill me for Sunday dinner tomorrow
which is total bullshit because roosters don’t even taste good
so I’m just going to scream until I die.
This is not much different that what I normally do
and actually now that I think about it
this might be the real reason they’re going to kill and eat me
[i owned a rooster once
and this was in fact the real reason we killed and ate him
that, and he was a fucker]”
So the donkey is like “No! No! Christ!
Don’t pollute the countryside with your screaming!
Pollute the STREETS OF BREMEN with your screaming!
I’m putting together an alt noise-rock screamo quartet.
I’m on a mission
And the rooster is like “Okay sure”
making him officially the most qualified member of this “band.”
It’s getting late now though, so they have to go to sleep.
Being animals, they don’t mind sleeping outside
but being spoiled animals, they would much rather sleep inside
so when the rooster spots a far off light from the top of a tree
they all agree to go check it out
and guess what? it turns out it is a house
I dunno how they know it’s a robbers’ house
like maybe there’s a big sign
or a bag in the garage that says “SWAG” on it in huge letters
but however they figure it out
they’re definitely right
and they definitely wanna be inside
so the donkey is like “Guys
I’ve got it
this can be our first gig!”
So the donkey stands against the wall
and the dog climbs on his shoulders
and the cat climbs on the dog
and the rooster climbs on the cat
and all at once
they start to make “music”
which amounts to a cacaphonous screeching to rival the orchestras of hell
followed by a lump of meat and feathers and hair crashing through the window
so the robbers
who are fucking HAMMERED
are like “OH SHIT, MEAT GHOSTS”
and they run out of the house
leaving the animals to eat all their food and then go to sleep.
The donkey goes to sleep on a pile of shit in the stable
the dog sleeps behind the door
the cat sleeps behind the stove
and the rooster sleeps up in the rafters.
So the robbers wait out in the woods for a while
until finally they’re like “wait a sec
are you sure that was a ghost?
are you sure that wasn’t just a pile of dumb animals?
someone better go check.”
So one of the robbers goes back to the house
and he thinks the reflection in the cat’s eyes is the embers of the fire
so he tries to light them with a match
which makes the cat tear his fucking face off
so he flips out and runs to the door
where the dog bites his ass
and then he runs past the stable
where the donkey kicks him in the head
and then the rooster starts SCREAMING again
and the robber goes back to his bros like “GUYS:
THERE IS A WITCH BEHIND THE FIRE
SHE CLAWED MY EYES
THEN SOME ASSHOLE STABBED MY ASS
AND AN OGRE HIT MY HEAD WITH A CLUB
AND THEN THERE WAS A JUDGE HIDING IN THE CEILING
WHO WAS TALKING ABOUT ARRESTING US”
which i guess just goes to show how drunk this guy is.
Anyway, after that the robbers never go back to the house
and the animals never end up going to Bremen
because they like their stolen house too much
which just goes to show
that crime is WAY more profitable than music.
I think the placement of the quotes suggests that the rooster himself is a sociopathic cannibal – which only improves the story, really.
I did not catch that when I read it. But now I know it’s there, I agree. It makes the tale even better.
Ooh, didn’t catch that. Makes this one even better.
This is by far the best version of this story I have ever read. Well done.
Those tales where everybody sets out for a really clear goal and then they all die or just forget about the whole thing because whatever. Those are the best. 😀
Do animal farm!
I loved this story when I was a kid. Now I love it more. And speaking as a musician, I agree with your moral.
Have you ever read the Oz books? I know you did the movie a while back, but the books seem like they are right up your alley (plus you can get them all free online.)
The first book has a lot more beheading in it than the movie would lead you to believe (like a lot more. We are talking piles and piles of decapitated wolves. Literally) But as much as I love them, the other 13 books are just plain bizarre.
It’s been a while since I last read them, but each one is truly weird (and many are pretty pointless) but they involve things like vegetable people, talking giant beetles who like to pun, invisible bears, sex change operations, communism, talking phonographs, invisible bears, random social commentary, gnomes who are killed by coming in contact with eggs, and invisible bears.
If you do read the other books, may I suggest starting with book 4 (Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz) just because if it’s weirdness and because it features Dorothy and the Wizard battling INVISIBLE BEARS.
And just in case you were wondering, Tititi-Hoochoo is the name of a character in one of the books. There was something weird going on in L Frank Baum’s brain
Oz needs to chill the fuck out.
Love the Blues Brothers reference
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ha! I was looking for this in the German section, but now that I found the fairytale section I will read the fuck out of it.
No, really. I’m actually pretty much looking forward to this. 🙂
This myth almost made me fucking burst out laughing in the middle of my goddamn workplace! Ovid, you fucker XD