The Animals on Animal Farm are ANIMALS

Once upon a time there’s this shitty farm called Manor Farm
it’s owned by a shitty farmer
who is really awesome at being a drunk piece of shit
but really terrible at less important things like feeding his animals
so naturally the animals are not in a great mood
and then this ancient pig called Old Major makes everything worse
by calling all the animals together and being like “hey guys
fuck humans, am I right?”
and all the animals are like “RIGHT? RIGHT???”
and Old Major is like “I’m sayin’.
so I feel like like
one of these days
we should take over all the farms from them
and live in harmony and shit.
check it out, there’s even a song about it
it’s called BEASTS OF ENGLAND
you can sing it to the tune of La Cucaracha
and if any of you guys decide to start a dubstep collective
you should call it Beats of England OH MY GOD THAT WOULD BE SO SICKKKKK
speaking of sick, I have to die now
good luck with the revolution!”

So then Old Major dies
and farmer Jones keeps being a drunk asshole
and finally the animals are just like “fuck this”
and they kick his ass out of his farm and rename it “Animal Farm”
(because animals are bad at names.)
The main animals who kick him out are these three little pigs
named Snowball, Squealer, and Napoleon
Snowball is a really excitable dude with all kinds of rad plans
Squealer is really good at talking people into shit
and Napoleon is a thinly veiled metaphor for Stalin
so these guys take all the cool stuff that Old Major said
and they turn it into seven animal commandments:

1. If they got two legs, fuck ‘em
2. If they got four legs or wings, only fuck ‘em in the good way.
3. ABN: Always Be Naked
4. No sleeping in beds. You can still sleep in your own shit though.
5. No booze.
6. No killing each other.
7. All animals are equal.

Honestly, other than the first 2 rules
these are probably rules I would make for my own animals
I don’t want ducks sleeping in my bed or drinking my booze
have you seen ducks?
They shit EVERYWHERE.

Anyway the farm goes pretty well for a while
the animals are excited to be farming for themselves
even though farming is hard without thumbs
but then the pigs start pulling all this sly bullshit
like taking all the milk and apples for themselves
because they “need it for thinking”
and then all these adorable puppies get born
and Napoleon takes them all away for “private re-education”
(which better not be code for dogfucking)
plus it turns out sheep are too dumb to learn all the rules
so Napoleon boils it down to “FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD”
and teaches them to yell it like ALL THE TIME
it is SO ANNOYING.
Around this time some humans attack the farm
and Snowball just totally fucks them to death
by being a superior tactician and a total badass
and despite getting shot basically in the head.
Also there’s this horse named Boxer who does a good job
he’s important later.

So Snowball gets an award for being good at violence
and I guess awards make snowball crazy
because suddenly he is all about this insane plan to build a windmill
it’s like fuck improving crops
fuck the revolution
let’s build a goddamn windmill
(honestly that’s how I feel every day of my life
but that’s exactly why I’m not in charge of an animal rebellion)
Napoleon fucking HATES this plan
and he says so constantly
but Snowball keeps going with it
until finally Napoleon is just like “OKAY, SHOW’S OVER
SNOWBALL, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DEBATE
AGAINST MY NINE LOYALLY TRAINED HOUNDS?”
Yeah, remember when he took those dogs away for “reeducation”
it turns out he didn’t have sex with any of them
he just brainwashed them into RUTHLESS KILLING MACHINES
so he chases Snowball away
and then he’s like “Okay, so from now on
you guys don’t get to vote on anything
the pigs make all the decisions
and I make all the decisions for the pigs.”
and maybe people would have argued, but dogs.

But then suddenly Napoleon is like “OK GUYS WE GOTTA BUILD A WINDMILL”
and everyone is like what the fuck
i thought you hated windmills
and he’s like “THE WINDMILL WAS MY IDEA THE WHOLE TIME
SNOWBALL STOLE IT BECAUSE HE IS THE ACTUAL DEVIL
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG EVER IT IS HIS FAULT”
and everyone is like “Ohhhh that makes sense.”
so they start building the windmill
but it falls down because ANIMALS CAN’T BUILD WINDMILLS
so they start building it AGAIN
but by this time there is a food shortage
because, let me reiterate
they are wasting all their time building a FUCKING WINDMILL
but Napoleon doesn’t want the humans to know they’re hungry
so he’s just straight up lying to the one human dude who comes around
like “OH MAN YEAH, WE GOT SO MUCH FOOD
SOMETIMES WE JUST SET IT ON FIRE FOR NO REASON
LIKE WHATEVER, IT’S JUST FOOD.”
and the human is apparently as dumb as all the other animals
because he believes Napoleon’s shit.

But a steady diet of total bullshit is not enough to feed all the animals
so suddenly
MYSTERIOUSLY
it turns out that the evil Snowball has come back
and infected dozens of the animals with his EVIL LIES
so they all confess to Napoleon
who publicly murders them with his dogs for justice
and hey, that ration problem is solved now so that’s good too.
But then one of the horses, named Clover
is like wait a second
didn’t we have a rule against killing animals?
so she goes to the shed where they painted all the rules
but now suddenly it says “No killing animals
EXCEPT FOR VERY GOOD REASONS”
so she’s like oh, whatever that’s fine

Shit gets way worse after that
like they even outlaw singing that “Beasts of England” song
in favor of a song about how great animal farm is
and people keep confessing to weird shit and dying
and everybody is hungry
but it’s okay because then they finish the windmill
but then it’s not okay because Napoleon sells all their firewood
for a stack of fake paper money so he can buy booze
and then the farmer he sold it to shows up with guns and bombs
and blows up their windmill
so now it has exploded TWO TIMES
and since the windmill was the only thing that didn’t suck about animal farm
the animals are pretty sad

but there is this one horse I mentioned before
named Boxer
who is GREAT AT WORKING
and he’s like “IT’S FINE GUYS
LET’S JUST WORK HARDER AND BUILD A THIRD WINDMILL”
but he’s getting to be kind of old
and he has already built two goddamn windmills
so one day he falls down and can’t get up
and Napoleon is like “Oh dang
time to send him to the hospital
by which I definitely do NOT mean sell him to the glue factory
nope nope nope.”
then he buys whiskey with the horse money.

So then Clover’s like “Hey wait a second
didn’t we have a rule against boozing?”
so she goes and looks
but it turns out it really said “No booze
IF YOU’RE A WEENIE.”
so that’s an easy mistake to make.

Anyway time passes
and shit pretty much sucks for everybody but the pigs and their dogs
but nobody complains too much
because it must be better than when the farmer was there, right?
and at least there are no humans on the farm, RIGHT?
but then one day Clover is hanging out by the farmer’s house
(oh yeah, the pigs moved into the farmer’s house
and they sleep in beds
so that rule is out the window too)
when the pigs come sauntering out
on TWO LEGS
DUDE I THOUGHT THERE WAS A RULE AGAINST THAT TOO
ALSO THEY ARE WEARING CLOTHES
WHAT THE FUCK, THAT’S NOT COOL
THESE PIGS HAVE NOW BROKEN LITERALLY EVERY RULE
except wait a second
back in the barn where the rules are
it just says “ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL
BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS”
it turns out squealer has been changing the rules THIS WHOLE TIME
this is why you always time stamp your edits.

That night Napoleon invites all the human farmers over
and they all get wasted together and play cards
and the other animals are hanging around dropping mad eaves
and one of the farmers is like “Dude, Napoleon
you are such a good farmer
your animals work harder for less food than ANY OTHER ANIMALS
what’s your secret?”
and Napoleon is like “Uh, totalitarianism?”
and everyone is like “HAHA YEAH!”
and the animals are like “Oh god dammit
are we in a thinly veiled allegory about Russia’s gradual slide into totalitarianism under Stalin?
Fuuuuuuck
why couldn’t we be in a whimsical story about running away and forming a band or something?
this ALWAYS HAPPENS.
But it’s too late
the metaphor is complete
the pigs look exactly like the humans now and everything is terrible.

The moral of the story, of course
is that nothing good ever came of building a windmill
just ask Don Quixote.

The end.

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5 thoughts on “The Animals on Animal Farm are ANIMALS

  1. This is weird. I read this book like 3 days ago, and now you’re doing an eerily accurate parody of it. Hilarious. But weird.
    You’re not like… spying on me, right?

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