Hey so let me tell you a story that will convince you that my morality is law
it’s about a guy
his name is
er…
I mean Er
that’s what his name is.
We are Greek and that is a totally normal name to have.

Okay so Er dies.

No, assholes, that’s not the end.
Er dies and then he has this wild out of body experience
where he wakes up in a field surrounded by cosmic sphincters.
What I mean is
there is a hole in the sky and a hole in the ground
and dudes are coming out of these holes
and they are all high-fiving each other and pitching tents and passing 40s
like “Aw shit dogg I have not seen you in AGES
LITERAL AGES”
because see, these dudes have all been wandering through the afterlife
(that’s what this place is)
for the past THOUSAND YEARS
and they come back here after all that wandering
to get reborn.

Meanwhile new dudes are dying all the time
and showing up here
and getting sentenced by this wise dude on a podium
and then based on the sentencing
they either go through the hole in the ground or the hole in the sky
and walk through either hell or heaven
for ANOTHER THOUSAND YEARS
and during those thousand years
everything they did while they were alive gets done to them
TEN TIMES
(once every hundred years)
so if you stabbed a dude in the face
you get stabbed ten times
and if you gave a dude a blowjob
you get a blowjob ten times
but it’s only once per hundred years
so you’d better have given a lot more than one blowjob
I’ve got a dick you can use if you’re concerned.

Anyway, after the dudes finish their thousand year journeys
and chill out in this meadow for a week
they have to get up and go get reborn.
So Er walks with these dudes through the vault of heaven
which is just a big one of those solar system models you get at planetariums and shit
except each planet is getting straddled by a hot broad yodeling the same note forever
and the whole thing is on the lap of a giant babe named Necessity
and she has three daughters
but none of them are named Invention
and they are all sitting around on thrones
rapping about time.

But who are we to question the weird fetishes of the gods?
What’s important is that this is the room where dudes get reborn.
A guy comes out on stage and he’s like “Yo what up bitches I’m an oracle
I am here to guide you through your rebirth experience.
Line up and take a number
and I’ll drop all these possible lives in this big bucket
and you can come up one at a time and pick whichever one you want
BUT BEWARE
some of these lives are friggin’ sweet
but at least as many of them are tragically shitty
you might even get reincarnated as actual shit
we are not limiting it to human beings up in this afterlife
you can suffer through the next epoch as a mutant trout if that’s your thing
just don’t blame me for your dumb decision.
Alright, have fun.”

Dude is not kidding
There are all KINDS of lives in this lifebucket
there are lives full ruckus, riches, and rock concerts
there are lives full of sorrow and bees
and you would think everybody would spend some serious time choosing their life
but some dudes have been spoiled by too much awesome in their previous lives
like maybe they were a unicorn or a hercules or something
and those dudes just don’t know how to not make bad decisions
it’s not a skill they’ve developed.

EXAMPLE:
the very first dude comes up and picks a life where he gets to be dictator for life
but he should have read the EULA because it turns out he also has to eat his own kids
and he’s like “WHAT THE FUCK
WHY WOULD YOU PUT THIS ONE IN HERE?”
And the oracle is like “Sorry bro, no refunds”
so everyone else is a lot more careful after that.

And just like at an orgy or a Burger King
everybody’s gotta have it their way
some people want a life of hookers and cocaine
and some people want a life of slavery and nut-kicks
and in the end it doesn’t really matter what you choose
because the object of the game is to be virtuous as fuck no matter what
so you can get your dick sucked in heaven for a thousand years
although I still feel sorry for that first guy
because I can’t think of many ways to virtuously eat your kids
I guess you just gotta make sure to suck off as many people as possible
no matter what life you end up leading
which, again
I am happy to help with.

Anyway the line starts moving pretty fast
dudes are turning into carpenters and cows
and birds are turning into people.
WAIT
THERE ARE BIRDS HERE?
AND NOT JUST BIRDS
GHOST BIRDS
holy fuck-parade
the afterlife officially just became the number one worst place
and you’re telling me they can be people?
You’re telling me any of my friends might actually be birds?
Fuck, *I* might be a bird
Ah jeeze I think I’m gonna puke
let’s talk about something else.

Oh, there’s a lot of famous dudes in there getting reborn
like Odysseus and Ajax and Agamemnon and whatever
but don’t worry
pretty much all of them choose to be animals
because they are literally sick to death of people
Ajax decides to be awesome and turn into a fucking LION
but Odysseus, as usual, just HAS to be different.
He chooses to be a simple dude with an ordinary job
because he’s curious if he can find a way to fuck even THAT up.

After all the dudes have picked their lives
they go to the three chicks, who sew their new lives to their chests for them
and then everybody goes through a trapdoor under the model solar system
into a big shitty desert called the Plain of Forgetfulness
which has nothing in it except the fabled Rohypnol River
from which everybody is forced to drink until they forget their other lives
except for Er
(who really hasn’t done much in this story, even though it’s about him)
because someone’s gotta survive to tell everybody about this shit
I mean, that’s why he died in the first place
not like there’s a pretty much infinite supply of dead people to use for that purpose
they had to kill someone specifically to let them in on this.
So after all that walking and nonsense
Er wakes up just in time to keep from getting burned alive
because we are Greek and regular funerals are for weenies.

So yeah, the moral of the story is
… actually, this might take some explaining.
Hey Philosophy Bro? I’m tagging you in.