The Second-Rapiest Moon Story Ever

Here’s another story from the mystical ice-gauntlet of Angmagssalik
wait did I say mystical
I meant miserable
hey, here’s another fact about Angmagssalik
(known today as Tasiilaq, which is NO EASIER TO SPELL):
according to google, there is a hotel there where you can stay.
also according to google, there are no roads.
so uh
you take the good with the bad I guess

Now Friends,
if you’re anything like me
you’ve probably looked up at the moon at night
and thought to yourself
holy shit what is that thing
what is it doing there
aah aah aah
and maybe you’ve looked up at the sun and thought
aaaah I’m looking at the sun why did I think this would work
well friends
allow me to answer two of your three dumb questions
with this story:

The sun and the moon are siblings
the sun is a chick
and the moon is her brother
and every night the moon is like okay
I COULD climb all the way up into the sky
I could climb all the way up on my SISTER
and get LAID.
This is a perfect plan
because since the moon is not in the sky
it is totally pitch black
and so the sun has no idea whose boner she is getting the benefit of

but eventually she gets curious
like you do when an invisible dude is balling you night after night
so her brilliant plan is to smear her hands with lamp oil
and then give her mysterious lover/rapist a sexy shoulder massage
so she can identify him in the morning
by how goddamn filthy he is

so this plan goes off without a hitch
until it hits the biggest hitch of all
which is that now the sun knows she has been doing the lap-clap with her bro
so she does the only reasonable thing:
she cuts off her left boob and throws it at him
and her bro is like “Aw dammit sis
that sentence was RIFE with innuendo
and I DO like your boobs
but this is just the worst possible combination of all those sexy elements
like a diamond-studded handjob
or a peanut-butter and KY-jelly sandwich”
his sister doesn’t hear him though
because she has just taken a stick
dipped it in TRAIN OIL
and set it on fire
and now she is running into space

so rather than let his sister achieve escape velocity in peace
the moon decides to follow her example
except he is way less skilled with the train oil
so his torch goes out during the launch protocol
so he just keeps blowing on it
and sending off mad sparks
and those sparks are where STARS come from
(yeah that’s right kids
not only am I answering two of your dumb questions
I am giving you a BONUS answer
to a dumb question you DIDN’T EVEN ASK)
so that’s why the moon doesn’t shine so brightly
and also he has to go down to the earth sometimes to hunt seals
and meanwhile his sister is just chuggin’ through the cosmos
somehow being both hot and boobless

So the moral of the story
is you can hit up all the gloryholes you want
as long as you are willing to self-immolate
when you find out you’ve been blowing your bro


10 thoughts on “The Second-Rapiest Moon Story Ever

  1. Hi Ovid, have you received my retelling of a Belgian myth about pissing? I’m not asking because I’m in any hurry but because I read you had problems with your e-mail.

  2. Hi I recently discovered this blog and it’s awesome.
    I suggest some Indonesian myths such as Timun Mas, the Legend of the Toba Lake, Keong Emas, the Legend of Mount Tangkuban Perahu, and others. They’re relatively obscure so probably only a few non-Indonesians have heard of them. Hipster cred. and all, you know.

  3. Bought the book, read the Sumerian one. It is very rapey. It also teaches the valuable lesson that sex can solve everything.

  4. Pingback: The Aztec Moon is Part of the 1 Percent | Myths RETOLD

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