The Speckled Bull is Like The Speckled Band Except Not At All

Hey Ladies
(and dudes I GUESS)
Today’s myth comes from the noisy mind
of musical carpet-bomber Sonata A. Helicopter
(The A stands for Apocalypse)
it is called The Speckled Bull
and it is about the trouble with monogamy

okay so there’s this hot dude
(yes ladies, you asked and I listened)
and this dude is macking on a couple of babes
and these babes
awwwwwwwww yeeeeeeaahhhh

but seeing as this myth was not filmed in the san fernando valley
it does not immediately devolve into a hot celtic threesome
instead it devolves into a hot celtic LOVE TRIANGLE
because see the hot dude ends up marrying the younger sister
and the older sister has problems moving on
and also problems moving out, apparently
so when the prince is out hunting one day
(oh yeah the hot dude is a prince because duh)
and the younger sister has a baby all of a sudden
the older sister steals the baby
and throws it in the river

so this chick just drowned a baby
she needs a mighty good alibi
and that’s why when the prince comes home
and is like oh shit what happened
the older sister is like oh man
you married some kind of craaazy wife there
because instead of having a child
like you wanted
she had a kitten
it had to be destroyed
and the prince
who is basically the ancient celtic version
of the archetypal beer-commercial husband
is like well … if that’s what you think is best
then he goes and has sex with his traumatized wife again

so cut to a few weeks later
this younger (apparently mute) sister has ANOTHER baby
and the prince is STILL out hunting
so the evil sister
(because let’s face it
she’s definitely evil at this point
it’s not like you accidentally slip on a pebble and drown your nephew)
she takes the new baby
puts it in a box with some airholes
and throws THAT in the river

then the prince comes home
and the evil sister is like whoah damn
remember how I said your wife was fucked up
well this time instead of having a baby or a kitten
she pooped out a PUPPY

okay now hold on
if I had a wife
and instead of having human children
that require shit like parenting and health insurance
she had adorable puppies and kittens
I would do everything in my power to hold onto that woman
and start some kind of adorable puppy mill/sex factory
but instead
what this beer-commercial prince does
is he authorizes this older sister to destroy his wife with magic
(because everyone in ireland has magic wands
that turn their sisters into green rocks)
then he marries a woman who has openly confessed to murdering puppies and kittens

But remember that baby with the airholes?
of course you do
how could you not
that baby is the single remaining loose end in this tapestry of blood and failure
and he has just been caught by a fisherman because duh

so the fisherman is like sweet a baby
my wife loves these things
and he brings it home and his wife like flips her shit and tells everyone
and word gets back to the evil sister
and she knows that the baby everyone’s talking about is the river baby
because come on, where else do babies come from
so she goes over to the fisherman’s wife
while the fisherman is out fishing
and she’s like yo that baby isn’t yours
and the fisherman’s wife is like hey shut up, that’s way rude
and the sister is like look I know you stole this baby
it doesn’t matter how I know
what matters is that it is a changeling and it is evil
so you should give it to me
and the fisherman’s wife is like well, if that’s the only way
so the sister takes the baby
KILLS the baby
and buries it out in the yard
for those keeping track at home
this raggedy ur-bitch has just murdered two babies

and that would have been the end of that
except someone forgot that ireland is composed ENTIRELY OF MAGIC
so where that baby is buried
a crazy tree grows
covered in all kinds of crazy fruit
and this speckled cow shows up and starts eating the fruit
it is an unusual cow
(i imagine it as being purple
but you can imagine it whatever color you want
because that is the magic of your imagination)
and then that cow starts shooting milk out everywhere
way too much milk
and when it runs out of milk it starts shooting out babies
or actually just one baby
which is weird cause no one even had sex with it
and this baby is a dude cow
and they can’t castrate him because he is just TOO ROWDY

so obviously the evil sister knows this cow is trouble
so she comes up with a plan to take it out
which is she bribes a doctor
and then slaughters a chicken and drinks its blood
like you do
and then when her idiot husband comes home she spits blood all over him
and the prince is like but honey we can’t even cut off its balls
and the doctor is like dude
you have a choice between recruiting every dude in ireland
to kill this magic purple bull
or letting your puppy-murdering wife die of acute blood-itis
so the prince makes the obvious choice

so these irish dudes try to lasso this bull
which responds by flying to china
where it joins a herd of tiny chinese cows
and scares the SHIT out of the populace

so the king of china hears about this weird bull
and his curiosity is straight PIQUED
so he tells everyone to get the fuck away from the bull
and he goes over there with his daughter
because see his daughter has a curse
like basically fifty percent of the characters in this story
the curse is that if she looks at any dude other than her dad
she has to marry that dude
so the king shows her this bull
and she’s like fuck dad
what is wrong with you
now I have to marry this hot prince you just showed me
and the king is like what hot prince
but then he touches his daughter’s shoulder
and sees that the BULL is actually a MEGA-HOT PRINCE

so the princess has blown her load as far as her curse is concerned
so she figures she should help the prince blow his load
by marrying him
but that only half-undoes the curse
which means she has to decide whether he will be a bull by day and a man by night
or a man by day and a bull by night.
the princess chooses man by night
cause she’s not a weird bovinophile like SOME PEOPLE
and they carry on like this for a while
until the prince starts to get pretty sleep deprived
and they decide they have to find a more permanent solution

luckily the king of china has a druid who knows everything
less luckily, the druid only tells him shit once every seven years
to avoid prophecy overload
you know like
today you are going to trip on your shoe and your soda will be flat and etc.
today is the day the druid answers all the questions
so the king is like yo how do I fix my son-in-law
and the druid is like oh that’s simple
just tell the prince to start a fight in bull form
and then his horn will get broken off
and you need to go get it
and there will be a single drop of liquid inside
and then you put that in a flask
and go to the other side of the field and hold out a red flag
and the bull will charge you
and then you throw the liquid into the exact center of his ead
and he will turn into a dude forever!

… so the king does that
and then the prince is like dude thanks!
time to go make my mom not be a green rock anymore!
(oh yeah
in case it wasn’t clear
the prince in the bull was the baby from the box who got killed
and then turned into a fruit tree
and then got eaten by a cow and then born as a bull
I don’t know why that wouldn’t be clear though)

so he goes back home and they’re having some kind of party
and he shows up in disguise
by which I mean, not looking like a bull
and everyone is telling stories
and he’s like hey I know a story
it’s about how one time my aunt tried to kill me THREE TIMES
and then I was some fruit and a cow and some other stuff
and isn’t that fucked up?
(except he changes everyone’s names to protect the innocent
but the evil sister STILL knows who he’s talking about)
then he’s like hey party people
if you had to punish that bitch sister
what would you do to her?
and everyone has different ideas
so finally he asks the bitch sister herself
and this is her chance to totally get away scott free
so of course she says
“I would tie her to a chimney naked
with no food or water except what blows in on the breeze”
and uh
that’s what they do to her
then the prince makes his mom not be a rock anymore
and he goes back to china with his princess
and no one ever speaks of his dumb dad ever again

so the moral of the story
is if at first you don’t succeed
try try again
unless what you’re trying is infanticide
in which case maybe just leave well enough alone


7 thoughts on “The Speckled Bull is Like The Speckled Band Except Not At All

  1. I never understood why the evil witch always gave a really nasty way to kill herself. I think I’ve also seen being put in a stove and have it heated red hot until she burns to death and put in a box at a top of hill and rolled all the way down the hill and into the river and drown.

    … weird imaginations.

    Good myth though!

  2. Pingback: Timun Mas Does Not Know What Food is For | Myths RETOLD

  3. I totally missed that you’d done the myth I requested! Reading too many myths for class clearly.
    Thank you for that, it was hilarious!

  4. Does a guy who claims absolute masculinity who cries during the Princess Diaries have a chance at defending himself in this case.
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  5. I am truly grateful for your inspiration. Loved your recent “short” on Super soul sunday!! You habe an amazing spirt. I was truly moved and inspired by your journey. Would love a chance to own your amazing cookbooks. It may actually inspire me to find the joy and meditation in cooking you describe. Sort of stuck in a rut in the kitchen now. Same meals every week. Would also be a great way to connect with my 9 year old daughter in a fun, creative new way. Happy holidays! Namaste.

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