Alright so listen up

first order of business
is i’m going to a farm for half a week
but this time i’m prepared
and instead of guest myths
(even though I love guest myths)
You’re gonna get myths about Bre’r rabbit
how do you feel about that

well it doesn’t matter
because by the time you tell me how you feel
i will be on a farm
and none the wiser

SO BRE’R RABBIT IT IS

now Bre’r rabbit
brer rabbit for short
is the quintessential motherfucker
he likes to sashay around
making fools out of people
and cackling about it

and bre’r fox
(brer fox for short)
is essentially the Wile E Coyote
to brer rabbit’s roadrunner

for example

this one day brer fox wakes up like
DAMN I REALLY WANT TO KILL ME SOME BRER RABBIT
OH MAN I HAVE THE ULTIMATE PLAN
I’M GONNA STEAL AN IDEA FROM ANANSI
AND MAKE A LITTLE MIDGET OUT OF TAR
only he doesn’t call it a midget
or even a dwarf
he calls it a baby
because dwarves are fucking CREEPY ok

so brer fox gets some tar
and some turpentine
and mixes it up real good
and then makes a baby out of it
and puts a big wide-brimmed hat on the baby
you know
like babies tend to wear
and he places it right in the center of the road
the myth says that this was like
the cutest baby ever
but i don’t know how cute a baby can be
when it is made out of TAR AND TURPENTINE

ANYWAY
brer fox goes over and hides in the bushes
so excited about how he is going to fuck over brer rabbit
and brer rabbit comes whistling along
and he sees this baby
and he is like whoa
what is this fine baby doing in the middle of this road
hey baby how you doin
and the baby is like

so then Brer Rabbit gets kind of mad
because he likes it when people talk to him
so he can make utter fools out of them
and he is like NOW BABY
IF YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME
I AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE
not even stop to consider that maybe
JUST MAYBE
the tarbaby is too young to talk
or you know
that it is a baby MADE OF TAR

no he just shouts at that baby
until finally he gets so mad
he really does smack it upside the head
and what do you think happens
HIS PAW GETS STUCK
so what do you think he does
he says BABY
MAKE YOUR FACE LET GO OF MY PAW
OR I WILL SMACK YOUR FACE WITH MY OTHER PAW
and the baby does no such thing

so true to his word
brer rabbit does the smart thing
and hits the baby again
and his OTHER paw gets stuck
and he is like RRR I’M SO MAD
MAYBE KICKING YOU WILL HELP
but it predictably does not
in fact
it just makes things much much worse
so then I guess
Brer rabbit is just like
well I’ve already fucked up almost as hard as possible
I guess I might as well hit this thing with my face too
so he does
and it is in this undignified state
that brer fox finds him
covered in tar with his fists inside a baby

so brer fox is of course extremely pleased by this
and is like HAHA BRER RABBIT
I HAVE WANTED TO KILL YOU FOR SOOOOO LONG
I DON’T EVEN WANT TO EAT YOU
JUST KILL YOU
hm how should i kill you brer rabbit
should I roast you
nah too much effort
maybe i should hang you
what do you think about that

and brer rabbit thinks fast
and he says
PLEASE BRER FOX
HANG ME
ROAST ME
I DON’T CARE
JUST WHATEVER YOU DO
PLEEEEEEEASE DON’T THROW ME INTO THAT BRIAR PATCH
THE ONE RIGHT OVER THERE

now if I was gonna kill a rabbit
and a rabbit said that shit to me
first of all i’d be like holy fuck a talking rabbit
and maybe question my sanity a little
but after we’d sorted everything out
i’d probably just say ok
and throw him in a fire
but brer fox has the rare talent
of being exactly as lazy as he is stupid
so he thinks out loud
like maaaaaaaaaan
i don’t have any rope to hang you with
maybe i have some at home
but really
it would be easier to drown you in the river

and brer rabbit is like
DROWN ME
HANG ME
SET ME ON FIRE
BEAT ME WITH HAMMERS
STAB ME WITH SWORDFISH
I DO NOT FUCKING CARE
JUST PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE
DON’T THROW ME INTO THAT BRIAR PATCH RIGHT BY WHERE YOU ARE STANDING

and brer fox thinks for a second and he is like hm
well that briar patch does appeal to both my sadistic nature
AND my laziness
it’ll tear you to pieces
I’MA THROW YOU IN THE BRIAR PATCH

and brer rabbit is like NO NO NO NO
ANYTIHNG BUT THAT
and brer fox is like FAT CHUCKLES GRANDMA
IN YOU GO
and chucks him in
and he is lying in the middle of the road
chuckling to himself
when suddenly
he realizes he is not the only one chuckling

so he looks up
and at the top of a nearby hill
there’s brer rabbit
laughing and combing tar out of his hair
and he is like you fucking idiot
I was born and bred in a briar patch
BORN AND FUCKING BRED
DO YOU UNDERSTAND

thus ends the first recorded instance
of reverse psychology
just going to show
that you can be as stupid as you want
just as long as your enemies are a lot stupider

THE END