What if Superman was a Nazi

Okay so there’s this planet full of superheroes and it’s going to explode
You’d think that if they were so great they would have figured out a way to not explode
but you shouldn’t complain
because their loss is our gain
in the form of SUPERMAN

okay actually he’s not called superman yet
that would be stupid on a planet where everybody is super
except actually I think none of them have superpowers
and they are only activated by the particular color of earth’s sun for some reason
but anyway I guess baby superman is important or special or something
(he’s named Kal El though, which I think is what Sean Penn named HIS kid)
so his parents put him on a rocketship and shoot him towards a planet
that has a pretty good track record
of hating anyone even remotely different from themselves
we call it

so superman crashes in the middle of the most xenophobic part of kansas
and he gets picked up by these two old people
and they don’t want to piss of the freaky space baby so they make it their own
and anyway I think they’re both sterile from radiation poisoning at this point
because the spaceship superman crashed in is like covered in kryptonite
which superman is totally allergic to
so bad luck, huh?
but anyway they raise him
and they eventually figure out shit is fucked up when he starts lifting tractors
and he gets bored of his shitty podunk parents and kicks the shit out of his high school
and flies to mars or New York or something
and gets a job as a dude who punches people in the face
and shoots them with his laser vision and he can fly
honestly I don’t know why he didn’t just become the world’s biggest asshole
except wait
he totally does
because eventually he gets bored of being better than everyone
and he builds himself a big sadtimes igloo at the north pole
like a red and blue murdersanta
and then he hangs out there
and later the US government hires him to kill batman
but he fucks it up somehow
even though batman is just a regular dude
and superman is FUCKING SUPERMAN.

so the moral of the story
is that we are all on the wrong planet
because somewhere out there
there is a flavor of sun that turns us all into tractor-lifting dick machines.

The end.

9 thoughts on “What if Superman was a Nazi

  1. I believe it was Nicolas Cage who named a child Kal-El, which makes no difference at all except if you imagine the look on Sean Penn’s face when he learns you get him confused with Nicolas (Wickerman!) Cage. Hee!

  2. I figure if Superman were a Nazi then there’s every chance Doomsday could have been the governor of California.

  3. It would have been much more entertaining if Superman had been born in Luxembourg or some nowhere country like that. Or alternatively, in the middle of an Amish community.

  4. Well, Superman may not be a Nazi, but there’s totally an Elseworlds story where he was a Communist.

    Nowadays, Superman is a bastion of virtue and goodness and justice. Back when he first started out, however, he was basically a superhero version of the Kool-Aid man.

  5. Pingback: Captain America Isn’t Bi or a Nazi, He’s Just God | Myths RETOLD

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