Loki is still a dick, but also covered in poison

Ok i’m sorry guys

one of the three of you who reads my blog on a regular basis
tells me that the story of loki being a dick to baldur
does not end just because baldur happens to be dead
it gets significantly worse
so i am going to tell you the rest of it
NOW

ok so Baldur is dead
and everyone is sad
and they set his body in fire
you know
like you do
and then his wife is so sad she dies
so they set her on fire too
and then Frigga is sad
but instead of dying
she gets the universe to agree to this stupid bargain
which is that if everybody cries about baldur he comes back to life
but loki WILL NOT STOP BEING A DICK
EVEN FOR A SECOND
so he disguises himself as some giantess
(that is a female giant)
named Thok
and refuses to lament baldur
even though he could have totally just refused to lament baldur normally
without disguising himself or anything
loki just has to make shit overly complicated
that is just who he is

so anyway then baldur fails to come back to life
and the gods are like FUCK LOKI
WHAT IS THIS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
and loki is like i dunno i thought it would be funny
and the gods are like guess what cockbark
it is not funny at all
and loki is like oh fuck better leave
so he turns into a salmon for a bit
and hides under a waterfall
but the gods find him
and they try to catch him but he jumps like a motherfucker
but it is ok because thor catches him
like just as much of a motherfucker
and then they take him
and chain him to a rock
in a cave
under a snake
which constantly drools venom all over his eyes
until the end of the fucking world
proving that no matter how crafty you are
eventually your friends will figure shit out
and douse your eyes with poison
so maybe you should be nice to your friends sometimes

the end.

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What the fuck Loki

Guys this is a very important post
because it has two very important informations in it
one is that i am like a third of the way through linking up all the posts
you can see a fine example of the kind of bullshit that is happening here

SECOND ANNOUNCMENET
i have decided fuck video myths
at least until i am no longer on the road
because finding internet to post 5-7 videos is fucking exhausting
and the quality is shite anyway
BUT NEVER FEAR
BECAUSE LISTEN GUYS
The next time I get a total of 20 bucks from you assholes
I am going to post a rap
about a MYTH
like right now I am working on a rap version of Oedipus Rex
(which you may recall was the first ever myth on this blog)
So give me money and I will give you raps
don’t believe I can do it? WELL FUCK YOU.

ANYWAY

Holy shit guys this myth pisses me off

so basically what happens
is there is this god Baldur
he’s real pretty and everybody loves him
and he knows it
but he’s not a prick about it or anything
but then SUDDENLY
Baldur starts having this shitty terrible nightmares
that are just like HEY BALDUR
GONNA DIE BALDUR
GONNA GONNA DIE

so baldur goes to Odin
all like waah dad i had a bad dream
and odin is like OH FUCK SON
WE GOTTA GO ASK SOME DEAD WITCHES ABOUT THIS SHIT
so he rides his weird octopus horse sliepnir
all the way to the grave of this chick Volva
only i dont know why she has a grave cuz she’s not really dead
she just kind of pretends to be dead all the time
and tells the future
so basically like some kind of psychic emo possum
anyway odin shows up all like WAKE UP BITCH
and volva is like WHAT
and Odin is like I passed Hel on the way here
and they looked like they were bout to have some kind of hootenanny
WHY IS THIS
and Volva is like oh your son’s gonna die
this is NOT the answer Odin wanted to hear

so he goes back to Asgard
and he is like hey frigga i have good news and bad news
and frigga is like give me the good news first
and odin is like our son is going to die
and frigga is like FUCK THAT’S NOT GOOD NEWS
and odin is like oh shit yeah i forgot
there is no good news
there is only bad news
so yeah

then frigga calls all the gods together
and she is like guys what the fuck
who is plotting to kill my son
and they are like what
we like Baldur why would we do that
what are we some kind of band of scheming murdering assholes?
and loki is like I am
and everyone is like shut the fuck up Loki

so since obviously this is accomplishing nothing
frigga decides to go out
and singlehandedly make EVERYTHING PROMISE NOT TO KILL BALDUR
not everyONE mind you
but everyTHING
like fire and dandelions and refrigerators and tornadoes
like have you ever played katamari damacy
it is like one of those fucking lists the king of all cosmos rattles off
during the loading screen for every level
like someone gave acid to a random number generator and hit it with a shovel
she is just like guys
kill whoever you want as long as it isn’t baldur
and everything is like yeah sure no problem
we like baldur
baldur’s hot

so pretty soon baldur is indestructible by default
just basically because everything abjectly refuses to kill him
and his brothers think this is funny as shit
in fact they keep having parties
that consist solely of duct taping their brother to a wall
and throwing shit at him
i feel like they are not the first brothers to have ever done this
but they are definitely the first to get away with it

but for some reason
and seriously guys
i have NO IDEA what that reason might be
loki is not okay with this
so what he does
is he dresses up as a woman
(the guy likes to feel pretty, ok)
but an OLD woman
and then he sidles up to frigga
who is watching her sons throw weapons at her other son
and is like hey what the fuck is going on over there
and freyja is like oh its fine
everything in the entire world has promised not to kill baldur
except that mistletoe over there
but that’s just because it is too young and easily influenced to make promises
pretty safe, huh
and loki is like YESSSS
UNBELIEVABLY SAFE

so of course loki grabs that nubile young mistletoe
and sharpens the fuck out of it
and puts it on a spear
and then he goes and finds Baldur’s sad blind brother Hoder
who is like boo hoo i want to throw shit at my brother
but no one will let me have a weapon cuz i’m blind
and loki is like OH THE INJUSTICE
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS BLIND DOESN’T MEAN
THAT SHE SHOULDN’T BE ABLE
TO HURL DEADLY WEAPONS AT HIS FAMILY
HERE TAKE THIS SPEAR
and hoder is like AWESOME THIS DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A BAD IDEA AT ALL
and he flings the spear
and for some reason manages to hit Baldur DIRECTLY IN HIS HEART
guys
HODER IS BLIND
THIS IS SPECIFICALLY WHY HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO THROW SHIT
WHY IS HE SO ACCURATE SUDDENLY
AAAAAAAAAA

anyway then baldur dies obviously
and everyone is really sad because they liked him
and now he is dead forever
man being a god in norse mythology doesn’t have all the perks it should

anyway the point here is
WHAT THE FUCK DID LOKI HAVE TO GAIN FROM THIS
it’s like
all you have to do
is REALLY REALLY want something not to happen
like the end of the world or your son dying or spiders erupting out your dick
and loki will MAKE THAT SHIT HAPPEN

so i guess the moral of the story
is if you are trying to get a bunch of stuff to promise not to murder someone
don’t forget to get LOKI in on that shit
seriously man what the fuck
i am getting rageblisters all over my body from this shit

the end i guess

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Worship Bacchus OR ELSE

Alright let’s see if i can do this before i pass out

so remember Tiresias?
in this myth he is up to his old tricks again
his old tricks being
to tell people bad things are going to happen to them
and then they happen
in this case he is talking to some dude named Pentheus
now i can pretty much guarantee
that Pentheus is not a name you are gonna see in any other myths
because the first thing that happens in this myth
is tiresias is like oh hey pentheus
you refuse to worship bacchus and then your face gets torn off
and Pentheus is like FUCK THAT
and literally picks up tiresias and throws him
PHYSICAL VIOLENCE AGAINST BLIND PEOPLE:
THE IDEAL REBUTTAL

so then tiresias leaves
and pentheus goes about the thirsty work
of ceaselessly being a dick
seriously this guy is such a big dick
his pubes are are forest of microscopic penises
it’s gross
ovid doesn’t write about that aspect of his character
but i know these things
but anyway basically what he does
is he sees all his soldiers going off to party with bacchus
and he is like FUCK THAT MURDER HIM INSTEAD
and the guys are all like Pentheus
hey
dude
we would much rather party
and Pentheus is like TOUGH TACOS TITWIZARDS
TIME TO GET TO WORK

so all pentheus’ dudes go out reluctantly trying to kill bacchus
and when they finally get back
they don’t have bacchus at all
they just have some dude
and pentheus is like hey who the fuck are you
and this dude tells a story
he is like I am a priest of bacchus
because one time
i was on a boat
and we found this kid on an island right
and this kid was WASTED
like so drunk
his skin cells were increasing the alcohol content of the surrounding air
by peer pressure
and i was like hm
this dude seems pretty fucking incompetent and self indulgent
HE MUST BE A GOD

so i told everyone he was a god but for some reason they didn’t believe me
and then they had a mutiny for some reason
i guess cause they wanted to rape this kid or something
and they were like hey little boy where you headed
and he was like whoa what the fuck
who are you people
what am i doing here
why is there a boat
the last thing i remember was trying really hard not to fuck a horse
anyway can i get a ride to Naxos

so all my sailor buddies are like SURE KID HOP ABOARD
and i start driving towards Naxos
but then they are like no
fuck that
i guess they wanted to take his clothes and stuff
but then it was ok because Bacchus
(that’s who the kid was by the way)
put a bunch of lions and shit on the boat
which made everyone jump overboard
and then they turned into like barracudas or some shit
i dunno many of the details honestly
because bacchus and i got obliterated on some kind of spiced wine after that
anyway now i’m one of his priests
pretty crazy huh

and pentheus is like YEAH
PRETTY CRAZY
GETTIN’ TORTURED ASSHOLE
but no sooner do they chain up this priest
when all his chains break for no reason
and then Pentheus is like FUCK THIS I’M GOING TO SEE BACCHUS MYSELF

so he starts walking in the direction of the massive party
the one bacchus is holding
the female only party that happens every once in a while
and he starts to get a little nervous
but he is not gonna let a little thing like nerves
get between him and his suicidal determination
so he shows up at the party
and the first person to see him is his mom
which must have been SO EMBARASSING
especially when she ripped his head off
while his sisters tore off his arms
this is some dusk til dawn shit that happens right here

and why do they do it?
because they are tripping balls on something
and think he’s a boar i guess
because the natural response to a wild boar is to tear its face off
with your hands
i have no fucking clue what these chicks are on
but it’s not just wine i can tell you that

so at first glance
you might be tempted to say that the moral of the story
is don’t do drugs
but pentheus didn’t do drugs and look where that got him
no the moral of the story is
try not to be the only one NOT on drugs
because that is when you are at a profound disadvantage
you need to take all the drugs to be safe
think about it like mutually assured destruction
but with PCP

The end.

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Boats are Dangerous

ok so Ceyx

(kind of sounds like sex
if you pronounce it right)
he is this dude
who gets all worried and shit
because this other dude Peleus
hears about some crazyass wolf
eating the fuck out of a bunch of cows
on some island somewhere
this is the kind of thing you get upset about in ancient greece
they do not have party politics at this point i am pretty sure

anyway ceyx decides he’s gotta go see some fucking oracle
not the oracle at delphi
a different one
but in order to go see this oracle
he has to go on a boat
and his wife Alcyone is like NO DONT DO IT
TOTALLY GONNA DIE MAN
and ceyx is like no its cool
and Alcyone is like oh ok
so the ceyx gets on a boat
and it pretty much immediately sinks
like maybe a day later or something
the water turns black and there is a fucking whirlpool
seriously what the fuck
i accept that the gods are responsible for all these things
and that being the case
why they gotta be like that?

so meanwhile Alcyone is being painfully oblivious back home
knitting fucking sweaters and shit
and like
burning incense to juno
all like hey woman get my husband back alive k
and juno is listening to this shit like fuuuuuuck
listen bitch there’s nothing i can do
dude’s dead
he fucking drowned ok
but alcyone can’t hear her
over all her knitting

so finally juno hits up her main chick Iris
and is like Iris
go down to that dude hypnos
GOD OF SLEEP
and be like hey send a dream to alcyone
to tell her her husband’s dead
and alcyone is like sure no problem

so she shows up down in slumbertown
and is like hey hypnos
and she has to yell at him for like a solid decade
before that dude wakes up
and he is like yawn hey
what’s good
and iris is like nothing
nothing is good
i need you to tell this chick that her husband is dead
and hypnos is like sure let me get morpheus

so hypnos goes and wakes up morpheus
who is the god of pretending to be people in your dreams
which i think is a sweet job
but that is immaterial
anyway morpheus goes and shows up in alcyone’s dream
like hey hey hey it’s me ceyx
your husband
i’m dead
get used to it
and then Alcyone wakes up like WAAAAAAAH HUSBAND
FUCK ARE YOU DEAD OR SOMETHING
I GUESS YOU MUST BE OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD THAT DREAM

so then the next morning
she goes out walking on the shore
or like the cliffs or whatever
for some reason in all these myths
i always have the same mental image of some cliffs
that all the ships depart from for some reason
even though you can’t hitch a ship to some fucking cliffs
call it artistic license
for my mind’s eye or whatever
anyway she’s hanging out somewhere
being sad
when all of a sudden a body rolls up on the coast
and she is like oh fuck
is that
yeah that’s my husband
and she runs over to the body
all sad and stuff
and she is SO SAD
she turns into a bird
but that doesn’t make her any happier
and in fact
even as a bird
she is SO
SO SAD
that her grief turns CEYX into a bird also
and they go fuck and cry or something forever

so the moral of the story is
when conventional medicine fails
try turning into a bird

the end.

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When I say GENES you say IS

ok guys
i deleted that last post
because i don’t want any posts on my blog
that are not sweet myths
or at least myths of some kind
don’t worry, people who recommended myths in that post
i remember what you recommended
and those were some pretty badass suggestions
and i’ll totally do them
speaking of totally doing things
here is a myth about that

by the way that was the LAST PART OF THE BOOK OF GENESIS
hope you enjoyed it

now if people actually read this blog
i could take a vote on which myth you would rather hear next
beowulf or the mabinogi
but oh well.

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Zeus Versus Werewolves

Alright so ZEUS

he’s chilling up on mount olympus
after making a whole bunch of seasons and shit
and i guess he hears a rumor or something
about how everyone on earth sucks?
so he is like NAW IT CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE
HOWSABOUT I ASSUME MORTAL FORM AND FIND DAT SHIT OUT

so zeus goes ahead and becomes a mortal for a bit
and miraculously
DOES NOT BANG ANY HOT CHICKS WHILST DOING SO
see i guess this was back in the old days
before zeus had time to develop his powerful buttthirst
instead what he does
is he goes around like hey guys
are you all assholes
and everyone is like YES WE TOTALLY ARE
and zeus is like dammit really
and they are like WATCH LET US PROVE IT
WE WILL RAPE AND MURDER EACH OTHER
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
and zeus is like i’m gonna keep walking is that ok

so then he ends up in the kingdom of this dude Lycaon
who is king shit of being unpleasant
and zeus shoes up in his big hall or whatever
and he’s like hey
you know there’s a god here right now
not saying it’s me or anything
but
you know
he is at the very least
a good friend of mine
WINK WINK WINK GOD DAMMIT

So Lycaon is like
pretty sure you aren’t a god dude
watch ima prove it
hey guys kill this dude in his sleep
also boil a bunch of other dudes and serve them to this guy
seriously it will be great
i call it
THE ULTIMATE PRANK

so of course zeus gets IMMEDIATELY SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT
and he blows everyone up with a thunderbolt
and Lycaon is like shit shit shit
time to get the fuck out of here
only now he is a wolf all of a sudden
and instead of running away
he starts mauling all his sheep
and everyone else’s sheep
and a bunch of people probably as well
basically just maintaining the same level of being an asshole
that he stuck to throughout his whole life
this is a guy who is committed to sucking

so then zeus is like GRR SO MAD
GONNA KILL ALL HUMANS
and the other gods are like wait
who will worship us then
come on this shit is important
and zeus is like WHATEVER I’LL MAKE NEW PEOPLE
THEY’LL TOTALLY SUCK LESS
GUYS DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS
IT IS THUNDERBOLT OCLOCK

so he picks up his thunderbolts
and he is about to turn earth into an electric murder carnival
when he is like hold on
the heat of everything catching on fire at once
might set olympus on fire
FUUUUUUUUUCK
so he puts his lightning bolts away
and resolves to probably not murder everyone

so net result:
Lycaon gets to be a sweet wolf
world not destroyed
moral of the story?
if you run into a god
either don’t piss them off
or piss them off AS HARD AS YOU CAN

the end.

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I am honestly not sure whether someone said GENESIS because I have auditory hallucinations

Alright guys
this is the second to last installment
of this fucking beast
you guys should take this as an opportunity
to start suggesting what massive behemoth myth
i should retell on video
the NEXT TIME someone gives me money
also i am sorry that the videos this time are so long
i only have so many opportunities to get on the internet
so i am condensing down what would normally be probably
about double the number of posts
into five
five VALUE SIZED posts
so here is your value

I hope you enjoyed your value

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Zeus grants stupid wishes

Alright guys i know you are itching for a myth
the way a scab itches for some sweet calamine lotion
and i am going to give you one
but since i just drove from pittsburgh to new york city
it is going to be a short myth
and then i am going to fall face down into this couch i am looking at

ok

so Aurora right

she’s some bullshit useless goddess
who happens to have a son fighting in the trojan war
this is not remarkable
EVERYONE has a son fighting in the goddamn trojan war
it is like HEY MOTHERS
DO YOU HAVE SOME EXTRA SONS YOU NEED SENSELESSLY BUTCHERED
TRY THIS WAR

but anyway her kid Memnon dies
due to a common hazard of the trojan war:
achilles
specifically a spear thrown by achilles
and once he is dead
his mom is all BOO HOO HOO I AM SO SAD MY SON IS DEAD
I AM SUCH A USELESS GODDESS WHY DIDNT I SAVE HIM
but instead of like
getting revenge on achilles
like some other much less worthless goddess would have done
aurora decides to go crying to Zeus
all like ZEUS
I KNOW I’M BASICALLY THE AQUAMAN OF THE GREEK PANTHEON
BUT I GIVE GOOD HEAD SO CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR
and zeus is like i’m listening
and Aurora is like give my son at least some honor
and zeus is like sure ok
can we move on to the blowjob phase of this transaction

so then
right when Memnon is getting cremated
a HUGE AMOUNT OF SMOKE happens
and it fucking blots out EVERYTHING
and then
and then
it TURNS INTO BIRDS
WHAT
WHAT IS THIS
BIRDS?
WHY IS IT BIRDS ALL OF A SUDDEN
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS
IN THE LIGHTNING ADDLED BRAIN OF ZEUS
APPARENTLY BIRDS = HONOR
ok so those birds divide into 2 groups
and then they beat the shit out of each other for a bit
and then they land
and they become known as the daughters of memnon
apparently because he died too early to have real daughters
and then every year they come back to the same place
and peck the fuck out of each other again
it is like a tradition
a very brutal pointless tradition

so the moral of the story
is if you are going to have a goddess for a mom
try to have a less shitty one than aurora
one that can save your life in battle
instead of turning your smoking corpse into some angry birds

THE END

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Someone said GENESIS but i thought they said GENITALS and then i was disappointed

hey guys
i did this myth today
from inside my car
which someone else was driving
down a dark highway somewhere in Amishtown Ohio
seriously there were horse-drawn buggies
with flashing lights on the back of them
at like 8PM
i am sorry i am not wearing a hat in this one
there is a dangly thing next to my head though so that’s something
anyway this is the video

i am glad we didn’t hit any amish people
because i hear if you hit amish people you get a curse

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Nobody said Genesis but I did it anyway

Here is episode 2 of god being a dick
guys have you ever gone to a contemporary art museum
expecting to see some sweet contemporary art
only to find a bunch of different canvasses nailed together
each one painted a different solid color
or like
a whole room full of white canvasses
maybe one of them says AIDS on it
but it’s hard to tell
BECAUSE IT’S WRITTEN IN WHITE
when i see things like this
it makes me want to be bill-gates rich
so i can buy out the museum
build an igloo out of this shit
and set the igloo on fire
and then sell it to another museum
for ten times what those paintings were worth
anyway here’s my masterpiece

you know why my plan works?
because FIRE increases VALUE.

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