Hi’iaka’s Quest Just Barely Passes The Bechdel Test

Phew, Silmarillion’s over
gonna take a break and tell some short myths
while I work my way through Moby Dick.
In the meantime, today’s myth is from a very special mythos
requested by majority vote from my Patreon patrons.
(GIVE ME MONEY GIVE ME MONEY)
The mythos of the month is …
*drumroll drumroll drumroll*
HAWAIIAN

I’ve only done one hawaiian myth before
and it was unbelievably badass

but there are other Hawaiian heroes besides Maui
and some of them are even FEMALES
so let’s hear about one of those.

Okay so there’s this chick named Hi’iaka
She has a sister named Pele
who is basically the goddess of lava
and Pele has just finished digging a big hole for her whole family to live in
because I guess housing prices are too high.
Digging a family-sized hole and putting your family inside it is hard work
so immediately after doing it
Pele falls asleep HARDCORE
she falls asleep so hard that her soul ACTUALLY LEAVES HER BODY
AND FLIES TO ANOTHER ISLAND
AND FORMS ANOTHER BODY
AND GETS FUCKING LAID.

Yeah, Pele’s spirit shows up at this wicked luau on Kauai
and since she is basically the goddess of lava
you can bet that the body she forms is suffused with really unhealthy amounts of hotness
so she sidles up to the king of town
whose name is Lohiau
and she’s like “hey baby
wanna get married?”
and he’s like “oh god yes”
so they do that, like immediately
and they also do a lot of other things
but then Pele’s alarm clock goes off and she wakes up
and her hot ghost disappears from Kauai
leaving Lohiau all alone.

So Pele is like UGH WHAT THE FUCK
I WAS HAVING A REALLY GOOD DREAM WHERE I WAS SNOGGING THE KING OF KAUAI
I need someone to go all the way to his village
and tell him to come back here so we can bang some more.
It will be incredibly dangerous and I am offering like no payment
who’s in?”
and Hi’iaka is like “God dammit, sis
you know I gotta do it cause you’re my family
but I am seriously so tired of being your supernatural wingman
supernatural titcaptain*, sorry.”
And Pele is like “GREAT
YOU CAN START TOMORROW
YOU HAVE EXACTLY FORTY DAYS AND YOU CAN’T TWIDDLE HIS WANG AT ALL
IN FACT, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE
GOOD LUCK”
and Hi’iaka is like “what?
ugh.
why do chicks always have to be virgins to do anything cool?
whatever, fine, I’ll abstain
but you gotta give me god powers.”
and Pele is like “Wait, you’re my sister
don’t you already have those?”
and Hi’iaka is like “You would think so, huh?”

but whatever, Pele gives Hi’iaka god powers
and Hi’aka gathers a bunch of her ladybros
with all different skills and backgrounds
and they proceed to trek across the entire Hawaiian island chain
beating up sharks and dealing with street harassment
except instead of the street it’s usually on rivers
and the dudes are in boats
so … boat harassment?
fishcalling?
watersports?
unbridled douchebaggery?
whatever it is, Hi’iaka is having none of it.
At one point she and her crew have to cross a river
but they don’t want to get their clothes wet
so they take them off and hold them above their heads to cross the river
which is pretty impressive and hot
but this ghost god called Hinahina-ku-i-ka-pali starts being a total prude
like “NUDE WOMEN IN WATER?
UNACCEPTABLE.”
so Hi’iaka tells him to get bent
and they do it anyway.
boom
problem solved.

Hi’iaka and crew have a ton of adventures
but I don’t really feel like listing all of them here
(although maybe I will recount individual adventures at a later time)
they basically all boil down to one thing
which is that Hi’iaka is the baddest bitch and you should respect her
the important thing is that when she arrives at Kauai
after deliberately choosing all the most difficult routes
it turns out Lohiau is dead.
He died because his hot wife disappeared and he was sad.
But Hi’iaka is like “Whatever, it’s fine
I’ll just grab his soul and stuff it back in his body
oh, what, two chicks stole his body and hid it in a cave?
I’ll just kill them and take it back, nbd.”
So she does all that, and Lohiau comes back to life
and she’s like “Come with me if you want to get laid.”
He does not need very much convincing.

Here’s the problem, though:
because Hi’iaka has chosen all of the most difficult routes this whole time
the 40 day time limit has long since expired
so when she gets back home
after flipping off more magic sharks
and not touching Lohiau’s weiner even a LITTLE BIT
Pele is like “YOU’RE LATE
FUCK YOU
I BET YOU BANGED MY HUSBAND YOU PIRATE SKANK”
so Hi’iaka is like “Okay first of all
pirates are awesome so you can’t use that word to insult me
second of all I didn’t even put my tongue on this guy
let alone bang him.”
and Pele is like “LIES!”
so Hi’iaka is like “You know what?
Fine.”
And then she fucks Lohiau right in front of her shitty sister
making fierce eye contact with her THE ENTIRE TIME.
So Pele is like “OOOOOOOOOOOH THAT DOES IT
GODS!
SET THESE PEOPLE ON FIRE”
but the gods are like “No, Pele
you are being unreasonable.”
and Pele is like “FINE
I’LL SET THEM ON FIRE MYSELF
I’M THE GODDESS OF LAVA
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I ASKED YOU.”
So she sets them on fire
but she forgot that she made Hi’iaka immortal earlier
so only Lohiau gets killed.
This dude is seriously having the worst week.

You know what, though?
Hi’iaka don’t care
she grabs a shovel
and starts literally digging her way into the underworld
going through layer after layer to get to Lohiau’s soul.
On the fourth layer she runs into the ladies she killed to get his body
and she’s like “Fuck it, you guys are alive again, have fun.”
And she makes it all the way to level ten
when one of her friends is like “This is probably a bad thing to be doing.”
so she stops
and it turns out Lohiau’s soul wasn’t there anyway
so she just grabs it out of the air and stuffs it back in his charred body
and they presumably have really weird and painful sex forever.

So the moral of the story
is you should never rely on your little sister to get you laid.

The end.

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Let’s beat the shit out of the sun

Hey guys
hope you enjoyed Odin week
because it SURE AIN’T ODIN WEEK ANYMORE MOTHERFUCKERS
and actually right now
I need you guys to help me make a decision
this thursday
do you want
MORE NORSE MYTHS
or do you want A TAOIST FABLE
because i can do either
i’m versatile
let me know with your comments

anyway today I am not going to do either of those things
today
I am going to tell a myth from NEW ZEALAND
AND HAWAII
AND A BUNCH OF PLACES

it’s really infuriating actually
i spent all day reading different versions of this myth
and after like the fifth fucking one
I decided you know what
I am just going to make my own version of this myth
using a skill i learned in junior high school
called SYNTHESIS
so prepare for a sweet synth remix
of how Maui fucked up the sun’s shit

okay now when I say Maui
I do not mean the place in hawaii
with sweet beaches and whatnot
i am talking about a dude
probably the most badass hero ever
who one day decides
HEY
THE SUN MOVES ACROSS THE SKY TOO
FUCKING
FAST
WE NEVER HAVE ENOUGH DAYLIGHT
TO GET JACK OR SHIT DONE
I AM GOING TO GO TELL HIM TO STOP THAT

and this dude Moemoe is like psh
you are one stupid motherfucker
no one can say shit to the sun
least of all you
you are just an idle nobody
and Maui says oh ok
well after I’m done beating the shit out of the sun
and making everyone’s lives better
I’m going to come back here
and I’m going to kill you for doubting me
how do you like them apples
because I am the biggest most independent man
EVER

so then he goes to his mom’s house
where he lives
and is like hey mom
gonna go catch the sun
got any tips?
and his mom is like are you sure you can do this?
and Maui is like yeah i am mega strong
and his mom is like oh ok
well it so happens i know exactly how to do this shit
here
take these fifteen ropes
and go to where your grandma lives
at the crater of Haleakala
(hawaiian place names are pretty easy to pronounce
but a bitch to remember)
see your grandma goes out at like 5AM every night
to cook bananas for the sun
your grandma is a little bit crazy maui
i need you to understand that
anyway what you need to do
is steal all the bananas
and then when she asks who the fuck stole her bananas
just say you’re my son
trust me it’ll be cool

so Maui goes to the crater of Haleakala
and he hides behind a rock
and eventually his grandma comes out
with a bunch of bananas
which she intends to roast for the sun
so she breaks off some bananas from the bunch
and Maui is like YOINK BITCH
and she is like dammit where are my bananas
oh well
must be my senility acting up again
and she breaks off some more bananas
and Maui steals the fuck out of them
and this keeps happening
over and over again
until all the bananas are gone
at which point maui’s grandma is finally like
okay someone is definitely stealing my bananas
because i used to have bananas
and now i have NO BANANAS
and maui is like oh hey yeah it was me
i’m your daughter’s son
and his grandma is like oh snap
what the fuck are you doing here
and why have you stolen all my bananas
which is a great sentence to hear out of context

anyway Maui is like well
i am here to kill the sun
because he moves too fast
so we never get anything accomplished
seriously we have like a three minute day
followed by 23 hours and 57 minutes of night
what the fuck right?
and his grandma is like oh well in that case
take this extra rope
and this axe
I know i was about to cook some bananas for the sun
but now I am going to totally do a 180
and help you kill him instead
did your mom tell you i was crazy
and maui is like yes
yes she did
and grandma is like ok cool
well basically when you see the sun come over that ridge
lasso one of his legs
and then just keep lassoing his legs
til you get all of them
and he is stuck
and then i guess you can kill him
or interrogate him
or whatever

so maui crouches behind a bush
he spends a lot of time in this myth crouching behind things
and when he sees the sun’s first leg
he lassos it
but PLOT TWIST
the sun just keeps right on trucking
so Maui yanks really hard
and PULLS OFF THE SUN’S FUCKING LEG
only problem is
the sun has like THIRTY MORE LEGS
or like thirty two or something
sixteen strong ones and sixteen weak ones
also known as arms

anyway Maui is not discouraged
he just keeps lassoing those strong legs
and pulling them off
and breaking them
and pulling them off
just brutally disfiguring the sun
until he has pulled off all sixteen big legs
and the sun is like whoa man what the fuck
just
what the fuck
and maui is like haha i crippled you bitch
i won’t give you back your legs til you agree to go slower
and give us some actual fucking daylight
and the sun is like are you retarded
you TORE OFF MY LEGS
giving them back is not going to help
you removed them from my body
I can’t use them anymore
except maybe as like
the grossest crutches ever
dude, how fast do you think i can move across the sky
minus SIXTEEN LEGS
not very fast, let me tell you
so great job asshole
mission accomplished
i’m going to go limp across hawaii now
or wherever we are
because this myth is from all over the place

so maui is pretty pleased with himself
and to celebrate
he goes back home
and kills moemoe
the guy who doubted him
and then he turns him into a rock
and leaves him there
and everyone has plenty of daylight forever

so the moral of the story is
who needs time management
when you have violence

The end.

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