Let’s beat the shit out of the sun

Hey guys
hope you enjoyed Odin week
because it SURE AIN’T ODIN WEEK ANYMORE MOTHERFUCKERS
and actually right now
I need you guys to help me make a decision
this thursday
do you want
MORE NORSE MYTHS
or do you want A TAOIST FABLE
because i can do either
i’m versatile
let me know with your comments

anyway today I am not going to do either of those things
today
I am going to tell a myth from NEW ZEALAND
AND HAWAII
AND A BUNCH OF PLACES

it’s really infuriating actually
i spent all day reading different versions of this myth
and after like the fifth fucking one
I decided you know what
I am just going to make my own version of this myth
using a skill i learned in junior high school
called SYNTHESIS
so prepare for a sweet synth remix
of how Maui fucked up the sun’s shit

okay now when I say Maui
I do not mean the place in hawaii
with sweet beaches and whatnot
i am talking about a dude
probably the most badass hero ever
who one day decides
HEY
THE SUN MOVES ACROSS THE SKY TOO
FUCKING
FAST
WE NEVER HAVE ENOUGH DAYLIGHT
TO GET JACK OR SHIT DONE
I AM GOING TO GO TELL HIM TO STOP THAT

and this dude Moemoe is like psh
you are one stupid motherfucker
no one can say shit to the sun
least of all you
you are just an idle nobody
and Maui says oh ok
well after I’m done beating the shit out of the sun
and making everyone’s lives better
I’m going to come back here
and I’m going to kill you for doubting me
how do you like them apples
because I am the biggest most independent man
EVER

so then he goes to his mom’s house
where he lives
and is like hey mom
gonna go catch the sun
got any tips?
and his mom is like are you sure you can do this?
and Maui is like yeah i am mega strong
and his mom is like oh ok
well it so happens i know exactly how to do this shit
here
take these fifteen ropes
and go to where your grandma lives
at the crater of Haleakala
(hawaiian place names are pretty easy to pronounce
but a bitch to remember)
see your grandma goes out at like 5AM every night
to cook bananas for the sun
your grandma is a little bit crazy maui
i need you to understand that
anyway what you need to do
is steal all the bananas
and then when she asks who the fuck stole her bananas
just say you’re my son
trust me it’ll be cool

so Maui goes to the crater of Haleakala
and he hides behind a rock
and eventually his grandma comes out
with a bunch of bananas
which she intends to roast for the sun
so she breaks off some bananas from the bunch
and Maui is like YOINK BITCH
and she is like dammit where are my bananas
oh well
must be my senility acting up again
and she breaks off some more bananas
and Maui steals the fuck out of them
and this keeps happening
over and over again
until all the bananas are gone
at which point maui’s grandma is finally like
okay someone is definitely stealing my bananas
because i used to have bananas
and now i have NO BANANAS
and maui is like oh hey yeah it was me
i’m your daughter’s son
and his grandma is like oh snap
what the fuck are you doing here
and why have you stolen all my bananas
which is a great sentence to hear out of context

anyway Maui is like well
i am here to kill the sun
because he moves too fast
so we never get anything accomplished
seriously we have like a three minute day
followed by 23 hours and 57 minutes of night
what the fuck right?
and his grandma is like oh well in that case
take this extra rope
and this axe
I know i was about to cook some bananas for the sun
but now I am going to totally do a 180
and help you kill him instead
did your mom tell you i was crazy
and maui is like yes
yes she did
and grandma is like ok cool
well basically when you see the sun come over that ridge
lasso one of his legs
and then just keep lassoing his legs
til you get all of them
and he is stuck
and then i guess you can kill him
or interrogate him
or whatever

so maui crouches behind a bush
he spends a lot of time in this myth crouching behind things
and when he sees the sun’s first leg
he lassos it
but PLOT TWIST
the sun just keeps right on trucking
so Maui yanks really hard
and PULLS OFF THE SUN’S FUCKING LEG
only problem is
the sun has like THIRTY MORE LEGS
or like thirty two or something
sixteen strong ones and sixteen weak ones
also known as arms

anyway Maui is not discouraged
he just keeps lassoing those strong legs
and pulling them off
and breaking them
and pulling them off
just brutally disfiguring the sun
until he has pulled off all sixteen big legs
and the sun is like whoa man what the fuck
just
what the fuck
and maui is like haha i crippled you bitch
i won’t give you back your legs til you agree to go slower
and give us some actual fucking daylight
and the sun is like are you retarded
you TORE OFF MY LEGS
giving them back is not going to help
you removed them from my body
I can’t use them anymore
except maybe as like
the grossest crutches ever
dude, how fast do you think i can move across the sky
minus SIXTEEN LEGS
not very fast, let me tell you
so great job asshole
mission accomplished
i’m going to go limp across hawaii now
or wherever we are
because this myth is from all over the place

so maui is pretty pleased with himself
and to celebrate
he goes back home
and kills moemoe
the guy who doubted him
and then he turns him into a rock
and leaves him there
and everyone has plenty of daylight forever

so the moral of the story is
who needs time management
when you have violence

The end.

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12 thoughts on “Let’s beat the shit out of the sun

  1. Maaaan, I wish the sun was still some kinda giant, blazing, fucked-up millipede. That would be pretty cool.

    Anyway, you should do Taoist next. As much as I love Norse stuff, variety is good, and I don't know what a Taoist myth is like. So…like, blow my mind man.

  2. Taoist Fable!! Also anything you write that involves dwarves seems to be hilarious. So keep the myths coming!

  3. FUCK YES!!! I have been telling this story for years (the Maori version 'cause my mum told it that way to a FIVE YEAR OLD, jesus, talk about screwing up my childhood) and you did the Norse Cow story too, you are RAD.

    I vote for a Taoist fable or plan C — a Hindu myth. Kali dances on her husband's corpse. That's damn cool.

  4. Okay, I generally don't like to comment on things that other people have commented on because it makes our love less special. But, I just need to say, YOU ARE MY SOUL MATE! I couldn't hold it in any longer.

    Our children will be beautiful.

  5. Taoist myth please.

    Also, there is a hawaiian Creation myth involving a decoy-vagina being thrown in a fertility god’s path. Decoy-vagina being thrown. I just. I.

  6. Hi! I just came by your website and I really love your interpretation of this particular Hawaiian myth! I wonder if you would do anymore Hawaiian myths like Pele? (she’s also a badass btw she sowed a baby to her breast yo) Please and thank you! :D

  7. Pingback: Hi’iaka’s Quest Just Barely Passes The Bechdel Test | Myths RETOLD

  8. I’m thoroughly saddened that you’ve gone off to reinvent yourself before you could get around to more Maui myths– which, for some reason, seem to be really in vogue all of a sudden.

    I mean, from what little I’ve read, they seem like a perfect fit for the Myths Retold format, that is to say, they’re FUCKING NUTS.

    Like the time when he crushed a mud hen’s face until it stopped giving him the run around and finally told him the secret of fire, which is a thing that mud hens know I guess?

    Or the one where his wife called him ugly, so he decided to switch his face with hers… using magic, not, like, Silence of the Lambs-style. And sometimes he also used Forbidden Magic to kill her, only for her to come back as a ghost to kill him, and that’s why death exists.

    Or the one where he turns into a worm and tries to crawl up a giant sleeping goddess’ toothy vagina and out her mouth (got some bad news for you, buddy), in order to obtain immortality for humanity (???), but ends up getting crushed by said vagina dentata because either his brothers or some birds woke her up.

    Fuck, I love mythology; no matter what culture you look at, it’s all batshit crazy.

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