The Tempest, or Prospero Pisses on His Enemies

Happy new year chumps
I’m back
and I will celebrate my backness in the customary manner:
with Shakespeare
also I can’t believe I haven’t told you this one yet
it’s about the world’s most roundabout coup.

Okay so there’s this Tempest
just like in the title
it’s pretty on the nose, even for Shakespeare
and in this tempest there is a ship
and the ship is ON FIRE
NEAT

This ship is full of two kinds of people:
boat people
and ROYALTY
the royalty are running all over the ship
and the boat guys are like “get down below you assholes
you’re going to make us oh whoops there we go we crashed thanks a lot”

MEANWHILE, ON A SUSPICIOUSLY NEARBY ISLAND
this wizard named Prospero is lecturing his daughter Miranda about the past
they are the only two humans on this island so he does this a lot
and his daughter is SO fucking bored of it
that he keeps having to stop to ask her if she’s paying attention
and she keeps being like “uh huh yeah of course”
but as soon as he’s done she falls IMMEDIATELY ASLEEP.
Anyway, what he says is this:
Prospero used to be Duke of Milan
but he was a GARBAGE DUKE
he spent all of his time reading dumb books about magic
and delegated all of his duke responsibilities to his brother Antonio
and NOW HE IS MAD BECAUSE ANTONIO TOOK AWAY HIS DUKEDOM
to be fair he is also mad b/c Antonio exiled him to this island
or actually he just put him on a boat with no food
in the hopes that he would die
and the only reason he survived
was because some chill bro named Gonzalo gave him and Miranda water
and then they just happened to land
on this INCREDIBLY MAGICAL ISLAND

So Miranda falls asleep
after listening to this boring story about her dad’s incompetence
and Prospero is like “FINALLY
YO ARIEL
GET YOUR EPHEMERAL ASS IN HERE”
and Ariel
who is essentially a ghosty twink with superpowers
is like “Okay yeah what do you want”
and Prospero is like “Did you set that boat on fire like I asked?”
and Ariel is like “Oh yeah i fucked that boat UP”
and Prospero is like “Good because all my enemies were on that boat
Antonio, my shitty brother
Alonso, the asshole duke of Milan
Sebastian, the crab
uh I mean Sebastian, the asshole duke’s even shittier brother
plus Alonso’s sexy son Ferdinand
my best bro Gonzalo
and a whole bunch of innocent sailors and some clowns but who gives a shit.”
and Ariel is like “Yeah dude I know
I just got finished dumping their still-alive bodies all over the island
JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO
now can I stop being your magical slave already?”
and Prospero is like “Bitch what did you just ask me?
Do I need to remind you what I’ve done for you?
Ariel:
a witch
trapped you
inside a FUCKING TREE
and she was gonna release you in a couple years
but then she DIED
so if I hadn’t come along and freed you with my magic
you’d prolly be stuck handing out apples to some ungrateful kid like some fucking Shel Silverstein book
So get out there and start making everybody trip balls
or I will stuff you so far up a tree’s ass you’re going to surprise the shit out of some squirrels.”

Speaking of that witch
this is right when her son shows up
the son is named Caliban
and he is exactly as gross as you expect a witch’s kid to be
Prospero pretty much just beats him with his staff
and Caliban makes the very legitimate point that this is not okay
but Prospero is just like “It is TOO okay
because YOU
tried to sex my DAUGHTER”
and Caliban is like “Okay but she is literally the only female on this island
and maybe I crossed a line
but like I also showed you all the natural resources on this island
and now I am literally your slave
there is no moral justification for slavery, dude.”
But he goes off to get firewood anyway because he doesn’t want to die.

Is Prospero done yelling at people now?
NOT QUITE
because now it’s time for Prince Ferdinand to wake up
(on a beach, by himself, miraculously unharmed)
and immediately fall balls over boners for Miranda
who falls boobs over buttocks right back
because this is the first man she has seen
who was not either cursed or her dad.
So these two are tumbling towards each other, jibblies first
when Prospero steps between them like “WHOA WHOA WHOA
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KIDS EVEN KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER
SLOW IT DOWN, SOGGYTROUSERS”
Man, where was Prospero during the entirety of Romeo and Juliet?
Probably exiled tbh.
Luckily, Prospero has a plan:
Ferdinand will PROVE his intentions toward Miranda
by carrying bundles of firewood.
Prospero apparently needs a lot of firewood for something.

Meanwhile most of the rest of the dudes from the ship wake up together
them being Antonio, Alonso, Sebastian and Gonzalo
(and a bunch of less important people who don’t talk)
but then Alonso and Gonzalo IMMEDIATELY FALL ASLEEP AGAIN
because of Ariel
just long enough for Antonio and Sebastian to plot to kill Alonso
so that Sebastian can be Duke of Naples
but then Ariel WAKES EVERYONE UP BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT
so this interlude is just to show how shitty Antonio is.
Then they go off looking for Ferdinand
even though everybody’s pretty sure he’s dead.

Meanwhile Caliban is passed out in the woods
grabbing a much-needed respite from his slavery
WHEN TWO ROGUE CLOWNS APPEAR.
One of them is named Trinculo and he is a jackass
and the other one is named Stefano and he is a jackass WITH BOOZE
so naturally Caliban pledges fealty to Stefano
and the three of them drink the ship’s entire wine supply
and they get so shithouse plastered
that they all think it’s a fantastic ideawhen Caliban is like “Hey
let’s go kill my master
an ACTUAL WIZARD
and become kings of the island ourselves.”
Unfortunately for them, Ariel is busy being invisible nearby
and he hears their whole cunning plan.
Now you would think Ariel would be sympathetic to Caliban
since Ariel is also enslaved to Prospero
but Ariel is an immortal creature made entirely out of magic
time is meaningless to Ariel
and doing a miracle is like taking a shit for him
Prospero doesn’t even have the brainpower to concieve of something that would mildly inconvenience Ariel
He’s pretty much just doing this shit because he thinks it’s funny.

MEANWHILE MEANWHILE
it turns out forbidding two young people to bone
makes them REALLY WANT TO BONE
as Ferdinand and Miranda can AMPLY ATTEST
and guess what guys
this was Prospero’s WHOLE PLAN ALL ALONG
Finally somebody is using teenage buttlust for good
or at least for his own Machiavellian purposes
because after THREE HOURS
(YES, EXACTLY THREE HOURS)
Prospero FINALLY gives in and agrees to marry them
he’s like “Okay I guess my daughter can become the heiress to Naples
BUT FIRST
LET ME DO SOME MAGIC TRICKS TO SOLEMNIZE YOUR MARRIAGE”
and Ferdinand is like “No it’s cool we really just want to fuck”
and Prospero is like “DON’T BE MODEST I KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE ME DO MAGIC TRICKS”
and Miranda is like “No it’s cool I can just grab his weiner right now”
and Prospero is like “I KNOW WHAT YOUNG COUPLES REALLY WANT:
MAGIC TRICKS”
so then he summons ghostly images of Venus and Iris and Hera
to do a play about how marriage is great
and the two kids are like “yayyyyyyy great can we bone now?”
and Prospero is like “Yes.
OH SHIT
I FORGOT CALIBAN WAS TRYING TO KILL ME”

It’s not a big deal though
everybody Prospero doesn’t like is just getting buttfucked through the marshes right now
because they fell for some rookie-dm-level traps
like a fat banquet in the middle of nowhere
or a clothesline covered in rich garments
also in the middle of nowhere
and it gets so bad
what with the brambles and the mud and the wolves
that Ariel is finally like “Yo Prospero
I know you hate these dudes
but this is really starting to bum me out
and I don’t even have a SOUL”
and Prospero is like “Yeah okay fine, let them out.”

So Gonzalo and Antonio and Sebastian and Alonso show up at Prospero’s crib
and Prospero is like “SURPRISE BITCHES
THIS IS MY REVENGE”
and they’re like “Uh, who are you?”
and he’s like “Oh sorry let me put on my old hat”
and they’re like “OH SNAP IT’S PROSPERO
WE’RE SO SORRY WE EXILED YOU”
and Prospero is like “Yeah fuck all you guys
except Gonzalo, you’re cool
but actually I got to be wizard-king of an incredibly magic island
which is really a lot better
considering i didn’t give a shit about being a duke anyway
but for some reason I still REALLY WANT TO BE DUKE OF MILAN”
and Antonio is like “Fine asshole have your dukedom back.”
and Alonso is like “Yeah I don’t care, I just lost my son”
and Prospero is like “Yeah I feel you dog I just lost my daughter
by which I mean my daughter just got MARRIED
TO YOUR SON
HAHAHAHAHA PRANKED I MARRIED OFF YOUR SON WHILE YOU WEREN’T LOOKING
NOW MY GRANDCHILDREN WILL RULE BOTH MILAN AND NAPLES
THIS IS TRULY
THE ULTIMATE PRANK”
and he pulls aside a curtain and there’s Ferdinand and Miranda
playing … chess
yeah, sure.
Also Trinculo and Stefano and Caliban show up at one point
shit themselves with drunken fright
and go back to being slaves to their various masters
BECAUSE THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

Anyway Alonso is so relieved
he doesn’t even care that Prospero is dicking him out of his legacy
and then Prospero breaks his magic staff
and throws his magic book in the ocean
LIKE AN IDIOT
and he lays off Ariel
who conspicuously fails to steal his soul or anything
and then Prospero turns to the audience and he’s like “Hey guys
if you don’t clap your asses off for the show you just saw
I will be trapped in this play forever
please help.”

So the moral of the story, dear audience
is if you don’t share this post with everyone you know
I will be trapped in this internet
FOREVER

the end.

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Cymbeline Should Not Be the Title of This Play

So check it out:

once upon a time there is this this king called Cymbeline
he is the king of England
his name is stupid
and he has an EXTREMELY COMPLICATED FAMILY
let me break it down for you
his wife is dead
he has a new wife named Evil von Bitchtits
(actually Shakespeare doesn’t give her a name
but this one is pretty on point so don’t worry about it)
and Evil von Bitchtits has a shitty son named Clotten
meanwhile Cymbeline also has a real daughter named Innogen
which i think maybe is just a misspelling of Imogen
which is an actual name
then again that would be the only real name in this play so maybe not
especially considering that Cymbeline also has an ADOPTED son
whose name is POSTHUMUS LEONATUS
because his mom died in childbirth
and that is something that he will never be able to live down b/c it’s in his name
okay I think that about covers all the background
OH NO WAIT

so Evil Queen Lady wants Clotten to marry Innogen
because Innogen is heir to the throne
because Cymbeline’s two sons were stolen twenty years ago
and nobody knows what happened to them
WHICH I AM SURE WILL NOT BECOME RELEVANT LATER ON
but Innogen wants nothing to do with Clotten
because first of all Clotten is terrible
and second of all, Innogen is busy committing adopted incest with Posthumus Leonatus
and they’re gonna get married
but the king is like “AW HELL NO
I mean, Leonatus is nice and all
but he’s not really my son”
and Innogen is like “yeah dad that’s sort of the point
if he was actually your son it would be actual incest”
and the king is like “NAW YOU DON’T GET IT
LEONATUS IS POOR AS SHIT.
YOU AIN’T MARRYIN NO POOR DUDE”
and Innogen is like “Dad,
I’m your daughter which means I’ll be rich as fuck no matter what
and the dude you seem to want me to marry is Clotten
whose sole claim to fame is that he came out of your evil wife
who is only rich because she married YOU
SO I DON’T SEE HOW THAT’S ANY BETTER”
and Cymbeline is like “Well I can’t argue with that
so instead i’m gonna banish Leonatus.”

So Leonatus gets banished
but before he goes, Innogen gives him a diamond ring
and he gives her a golden bracelet
so when they get horny they can look at their jewelry and remember that they’re engaged or w/e
and then Leonatus goes to Rome and is sad

It turns out that rome is a terrible place full of terrible people
one of those people is named Iachimo
and ten minutes after meeting Leonatus, he’s like “YO MAN NICE RING
I BET YOU TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS I CAN FUCK THE GIRL WHO GAVE IT TO YOU”
and Leonatus is like “YOU’RE ON”
so Iachimo goes back to England like “Hey babe I have a letter from your fiancee
he’s in Rome being a drunk asshole
howsabout you ditch the boozer and get with the slimy dissembling bastard?
PS: SLIMY DISSEMBLING BASTARD IS WHAT I CALL MY PENIS”
and Innogen is like “Ew no. Go away.”
and Iachomo is like “HAHA JK THAT WAS A TEST AND YOU PASSED
but hey, can i store some of my junk in your room overnight?”
and Innogen is like “Sure ok.”

so Iachomo hides in a big box
and has his servants bring it into Innogen’s room
and then in the middle of the night, he jumps out and
…writes down a detailed description of everything in her room
what did you think he was going to do, you pervert
he also steals the bracelet Leonatus gave her
and spends a lot of time looking at her boobs
…so he can describe them to Leonatus.

Meanwhile the Evil Queen buys a bunch of rat poison from her doctor
promising to only use it on animals and definitely not people
but the doctor happens to know that she’s a fucking psychopath
so instead of giving her rat poison
he gives her that poison from Romeo and Juliet that makes you sleepy for a while
which she immediately turns around and gives to this dude Pisanio
who was Leonatus’s servant before Leonatus left
and is now Innogen’s servant.
she tells Pisanio that the poison is like Midol or something
and honestly I have no idea what her endgame is
but spoiler alert: It doesn’t work.

So Iachimo gets back to rome like “HAHA I BANGED INNOGEN
HERE’S WHAT HER ROOM LOOKS LIKE
HERE’S WHAT HER BOOBS LOOK LIKE
HERE’S HER BRACELET
HIGH FIVE”
and Leonatus is like “No
no high five
the lowest of fives, in fact
this five i am giving you
it is downright subterranean
because THAT’S WHERE I WANT INNOGEN TO BE”

So he sends a letter back to Pisanio like
Dear Pisanio
Innogen is a slutty slut and I need you to stab her
take her to wales and then stab her
here is a letter from me to her that will lure her to wales
love,
Crazyballs

And Pisanio gets this letter and he’s like “fuuuuuuuuuuuck
Hey Innogen, wanna go to Wales to see Leonatus?”
and Innogen is like “OMG YES I LOVE LEONATUS”
so they go to Wales
and then halfway there Pisanio is like “ok look
I’m actually supposed to be stabbing you right now
dunno why Leonatus wanted me to take you all the way out here but w/e
anyway I’m not gonna do it
I’ll just pull some snow white woodsman shit and let you go
meanwhile I think the best course of action
is for you to dress up as a man
and go to rome to spy on Leonatus
PS: I have this vial of untested mystery Midol
given to me by the totally scrupulous evil queen
why don’t you hold onto this in case of cramps or something”
and Innogen is like “Okay that sounds about as reasonable as the rest of this.”

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE CASTLE
Clotten is like “where the fuck is Innogen
where the fuck is Pisanio
Oh hey Pisanio
where Innogen at?”
and Pisanio is like “Uhh … I got a letter from Leonatus
it says she’s in wales?”
and Clotten is like “SWEET
here’s what I’m gonna do:
I’m gonna dress up like Leonatus
go to Wales
kill Leonatus
and then rely on Innogen’s complete lack of facial recognition
to get her to bang me”
and Pisanio is like “That sounds fucking amazing.”

MEANWHILE, IN WALES
Innogen runs into a group of outlaws
who just happen to be the king’s two long lost sons
PLUS THE DUDE WHO STOLE THEM WHEN HE WAS BANISHED
they think he’s their dad
it’s all super convenient
They’re like “Hey bro, what’s your name?”
and she’s like “Uhh … Fidele
it’s latin for ‘I’m totally a dude, trust me.’”
and they’re like “Yeah okay.”
and they all get along really well
until Innogen gets a visit from her aunt flo and decides to take the Midol
which knocks her out, obviously
and that’s exactly when Clotten decides to show up
and insult the fuck out of the outlaws
so one of them chops his head off with an axe because Clotten is a chump
and then they find Innogen’s apparently-dead body
and they’re like “AW JEEZE
NOW WE GOTTA BURY TWO BODIES”

Luckily they don’t bury them very deep
so when Innogen wakes up she looks over next to her
and there’s a headless body dressed in Leonatus’s clothes
and since there is conveniently no face to recognize
she’s like “OH NO LEONATUS DIED SOMEHOW”
and then the Roman Consul shows up like “Hey kid
you look pretty sad
why don’t you join my army so we can go fight England.”

Because oh yeah I forgot to tell you
England and Rome are at war now
because Evil Queenypants convinced Cymbeline to stop paying tribute
so now it’s stabbing time
and basically everybody in the whole play shows up:
Cymbeline, his two (secret) sons, their (not real) dad, and Leonatus (disguised as a peasant)
versus Iachomo (that lying seducer guy), Innogen (disguised as a dude) and the Roman Consul
so basically it’s a battle composed entirely of the most talented liars in two empires
but it turns out they are much better liars than soldiers
because nobody dies
Cymbeline almost gets captured, but his sons and their dad save him
and England ends up winning and capturing all the romans
who they intend to execute the next day

So Leonatus is in jail, feeling pretty shitty
when Zeus shows up like “Don’t worry dude
things may look bad right now
but soon you will be knee-deep in vagina
trust me, I know about this stuff.”
Then he flies off on an eagle
so that’s weird.

Next day, everybody gets together in the same room
to either be knighted or executed
and Cymbeline is like “Hey great job, mystery knights
can I do you any solids?”
and they’re like “Yeah could you not execute that dude Fidele
he’s sort of our bro”
and the king is like “Yeah sure.
Hey Fidele, can I do you any solids?”
and Fidele is like “Yeah
make Iachimo tell everybody how he got that bracelet and that ring”
so Iachimo spills the beans
which sets off a chain reaction
of TWENTY-SEVEN CONFESSIONS
through which the whole plot of the play basically gets told to us again.
Oh also the evil queen is dead
because she got sick for no reason
and it turns out she was planning to poison the king
which is weird because she gave all her poison to Pisanio
THE NUMBER ONE MOST TRUSTWORTHY DUDE IN THE PLAY

So everybody finally sees through everybody’s lies
the king gets his sons back
and he’s not worried about Innogen inheriting the kingdom anymore
so she can marry whoever the fuck she wants
and she decides to marry Leonatus
even though he tried to have her killed
and Cymbeline agrees to start paying tribute to Rome again
because he’s pardoned basically everybody else already so why the fuck not
then they all have a dance party

so the moral of the story
is that long distance relationships are hard.

The end.

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Macbeth is a Pussy

Sup guys

today I am going to tell you a story about a guy
who sucks so bad you aren’t even allowed to say his name in theaters anymore
his name is
MACBETH

okay so Macbeth is actually pretty legit at the beginning
he is out on all the battlefields stomping faces
some dudes are standing by the battlefields like WHOA
DID YOU SEE ALL THOSE FACES MACBETH JUST STOMPED
SO MANY FACES
and then the battle is over and apparently this one Thane
which is like scottish for “super important dude”
was totally a little traitor bitch so they had to execute him
and since Macbeth stomped so many faces he gets to be the new Thane
he’s already a thane actually but now he gets to be TWO THANES

so meanwhile cut to macbeth
he doesn’t know about that shit yet
and he’s just strolling through all the faces he just stomped
along with his best bro banquo
and all of a sudden the two of them run up on some WITCHES
and they’re like WHOA
WITCHES
WHY YOU LADIES SO UGLY?
DO YOU REALIZE
YOU HAVE BEARDS?!
and the witches are like bro we have better things to do than worry about shaving
congrats on your new promotion by the way
and Macbeth is like uh what promotion
and the witches are like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
WE HAVE PROPHECIES
PROPHECY NUMBER ONE:
MACBETH
YOU ARE GOING TO BE KING
PROPHECY NUMBER TWO:
BANQUO
YOU ARE GOING TO GET SO MURDERED DUDE
BUT YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA BE KING SO THAT’S OKAY KIND OF?
and Macbeth is like whoa
Banquo
looks like you got the short end of the murderstick buddy
hope this doesn’t cause any bad blood between us
and Banquo is like I am 100% sure that it will not
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT
then some dudes show up and tell Macbeth that he is now TWO THANES
and his mind is TOTALLY BLOWN

so pretty much the first thing Macbeth does
is he writes a letter to his wife
whose name is Lady Macbeth
which begs the question
if you name is Macbeth
why would you marry someone named Lady Macbeth
that seems like you are just ASKING for incest at that point
but anyway he writes her this letter about all the stuff with the witches
and Lady Macbeth gets it and she’s like WHOA
DUDES I AM TOTALLY GONNA BE A QUEEN UP IN HERE
BUT WAIT
my husband is ambitious and everything
but he’s WAYYYY too much of a pussy to do any serious kingmurdering
which is how I figure this whole prophecy thing is gonna get done
so okay
I’m just gonna grit my teeth
and pop a squat
and try to grow as many balls as I can before my husband gets home

so Macbeth gets home and Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND WE MUST MURDER THE KING
and Macbeth is like whoa
whoa
where did all these balls come from
i am seriously about to trip on them this is unpleasant
and Lady Macbeth is like NO TIME FOR THAT
INVITE KING DUNCAN OVER TO OUR HOUSE FOR A SWEET PARTY
LEAVE THE MURDER PLANS TO ME
I HAVE SO MANY BALLS THEY ARE WORKING IN PARALLEL THEY ARE PLANNING SO MANY MURDERS
so Macbeth is pretty nervous about this
but he says ok
and he invites Duncan over to his place
Duncan, by the way, is not only the king
he is also related to macbeth
also since Macbeth has invited him over
he is also a guest in macbeth’s home
and normally you don’t stab your guests to death
it is just kind of not polite
so that’s three very good reasons for Macbeth NOT to murder this guy
not to mention the fact that Duncan has just made SOME OTHER DUDE his heir
some dude named Malcolm
who i think is his son?
So I’m not even sure what Macbeth expects to gain from this murder
like
is the plan to just keep murdering kings until they run out of kings
and they have to use Macbeth?
AND ON TOP OF THAT
didn’t the witches just hand him down a prophecy
that told him he was gonna become king?
like isn’t that a thing from the future that is totally guaranteed to happen?
why does he even need to murder anyone?
why doesn’t he just chill out and take a nap
and have someone wake him up when the prophecy is fulfilled?
This is like if someone prophesied that you were gonna get fifty bucks
and your response was to go outside and immediately murder someone for their wallet
or actually more like
if someone made a date with you for thursday night
but it was monday night
so you just murdered everyone else they knew
until they had no choice but to go on a date with you immediately
which is actually my dating strategy now that I think about it

but there is one simple all-consuming reason for macbeth to go through with it
which is that if he doesn’t
his wife will totally call him a pussy FOREVER
so obviously that trumps everything else
and then true to her word
Lady Macbeth comes up with a pretty okay plan
basically the plan is
Macbeth stabs Duncan in his sleep
then Lady Macbeth passes out bloody knives to all of Duncan’s sleeping guards
and then they tell everyone the guards did it
and apparently suffer from narcolepsy?
but there is sort of a hitch in the plan
which is that no sooner has Macbeth done the murder part
then these two dudes Macduff and Lennox show up at the castle
they get let in by this doorman who is just SHITFACED
seriously this dude fell off the wagon so hard he is drinking with the mole-men
waddling up to the door talking to scottish noblemen about piss and sex
it’s great
it’s the only great thing that happens to anyone in this play
but so yeah Macbeth has to go deal with Macduff and Lennox
he’s like HEY GUYS
THE KING IS SLEEPING
DON’T BELIEVE ME?
HERE LET ME SHOW YOU HIS-ohhhh snap
looks like the king got stabbed by his retainers
who then fell asleep just outside of his room
because you know
murdering is pretty tiring
I mean
so I’ve heard
LET ME JUST MURDER ALL THESE CLEARLY GUILTY GUARDS BEFORE THEY CAN WAKE UP
AND TELL ANY LIES ABOUT HOW IT WAS ME THAT DID THE STABBING OR SOMETHING
and then afterwards he feels really bad about this
because he just murdered like a dozen innocent people
but his wife is like dude chill out
just wash the blood off your hands and BAM
PROBLEM SOLVED

wait no
no no no
not problem solved
no problems are ever solved in this play
they just affix problems together using a thick mortar of MORE PROBLEMS
see, the murders do not stop with Duncan
no no no
cause right after those murders
Malcolm flips his shit and decides to run away to England
and Macbeth actually does become king by some crazy coincidence
and he just wastes absolutely no time at all
in becoming crazy paranoid about his best bro Banquo
who you may remember was prophesied to get totally murdered
and I GUESS MACBETH IS JUST GOING TO MANUALLY FULFILL ALL THE PROPHECIES NOW
jeeze
this guy has no finesse at all
but you know what they say
when the only tool you have is a hammer
everybody starts to look like a problem

so Macbeth hires some dudes to murder banquo
and they do murder banquo
but they don’t murder banquo’s son
who is prophesied to be king
and who we will never hear from again for the rest of the play
because Shakespeare is totally setting shit up for MACBETH 2:
THE SCOTTISH SLAY

but anyway yeah then Macbeth immediately goes to dinner
and I guess he forgot to cancel Banquo’s invitation to the dinner
because Banquo is TOTALLY SITTING IN MACBETH’S SEAT
talk about rude
actually it’s fine
it’s just Banquo’s ghost
Macbeth could totally just sit inside of him and no one would care
but instead he just stands in the middle of the dining room
screaming at a ghost no one else can see
and Lady Macbeth is like haha guys don’t worry about my husband
he is just under a lot of stress from all the murders he hasn’t committed
he’s been sooooooo busy not committing murders
and we’re scottish
so that’s like
hard
(PSST MACBETH CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS)
but Macbeth’s tits will not be calmed
he just goes right on screaming at that ghost
until everyone gets uncomfortable and leaves
and then Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND
WHY MUST YOU RUIN ALL MY DINNER PARTIES WITH YOUR GUILT-INDUCED SCHIZOPHRENIA?

okay what the fuck is Lady Macbeth’s problem
we have already established that these murders are totally unnecessary
and plus there are a ton of really great reasons for not doing them
and yet this woman is basically riding her husband bareback
spurring him onwards towards basically every murder it is possible to commit
did she at some point wake up
and decide that the world was suffering from a deficit of terrible people?
does she just have a swollen bitch gland?
is she actually just two cthulus in a ladysuit?
all are plausible explanations
but none can say for sure

oh yeah and also apparently Macbeth is a TERRIBLE king
like supernaturally terrible
like so terrible that Scotland is plunged into eternal night
and the horses are all eating each other
which up until this point I thought was pretty regular for scotland
but everybody is pretty pissed about it so I dunno
and meanwhile Macbeth is pretty miserable
and his wife’s brain is slowly melting
and honestly at this point I have no idea why this guy wanted to be a king
it’s not like he’s bathing in a molten pool of gold and whores or anything
he is pretty much just wandering through a labyrinth of medieval horror
finding more and more efficient ways to hate himself

but so in order to quell his crippling paranoia
he goes and hits up those witches from earlier
because, you know
everything they’ve said so far has turned out SO GREAT
and the witches are like oh dude, don’t even worry
here
let us summon this bloodsoaked baby to tell you about how invincible you are
and the baby is like sup dude
you cannot be killed by any man who was birthed by a woman
also:
you see that forest over there?
your castle will remain blissfully unfucked until THAT forest
runs up the hill to YOUR CASTLE
and Macbeth is like BOY
THIS IS CERTAINLY REASSURING
NOT LIKE THEY COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME I’M UNKILLABLE OR SOMETHING
WOOOOOOOOOOO
then he goes ahead and kills Macduff’s whole family for some reason
presumably because he is nervous

meanwhile in England
Malcolm is pretty pissed about the whole murder thing that Macbeth did
plus he hears that Scotland is turning into basically the shittiest place ever
so he asks the king of england if he can borrow like ten thousand dudes
and the king of england is like sure dude
I’ve got guys ALL OVER THE PLACE down here
and then Macduff shows up
because he is ALSO pissed off about the whole murder thing
specifically the whole murdering his entire family thing
and he convinces Malcolm that he wants to help him kill Macbeth
basically by helping Malcolm insult himself a whole bunch
and then the two of them grab all their dudes and march back to Scotland

BACK IN SCOTLAND:
Macbeth hears about this huge dudemarch
and he’s kinda pissed
but he’s also pretty sure he’s immortal
so he’s not too worried
except that usually when you are not too worried
you do not insist on putting on your armor WEEKS IN ADVANCE
then run around your house screaming at everyone about how unworried you are
so uh
maybe he is a little scared
also his wife dies
after spending several weeks sleepwalking
for the express purpose of telling ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN
about ALL THE MURDERS
SERIOUSLY?!
COME ON
LADY MACBETH
YOU CANNOT PUSSYWHIP YOUR IMPRESSIONABLE DOUCHEBAG HUSBAND INTO MURDERING EVERYONE
THEN TURN AROUND AND THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAPPEN TO BE ASLEEP AND CRAZY
OH WHAT
YOU FEEL GUILTY NOW?
IS THAT IT?
WOMAN
FEELING GUILTY AT THIS POINT
IS LIKE TRYING TO CHOKE A BABY WITH A CONDOM
TOO LITTLE
TOO LATE
but then yeah she’s dead so that’s fine
no one even really notices because by this point all the dudes have arrived
and also Macbeth is screaming way too loud

so Malcolm and Macduff are commanding this army
and they figure that a really great strategy for hiding their numbers
is to just uproot a whole bunch of trees from a nearby forest
and hold them in front of themselves as they march up the hill to Macbeth’s castle
which is a plan taken straight out of Looney Tunes
like
seriously guys?
you expect Macbeth to look out over his ramparts
and be like oh
no worries
I was expecting ten thousand dudes
but this is just ten thousand MOVING TREES
no see what Macbeth does
is he sees these trees
and he FLIPS THE FUCK OUT
because obviously this means his castle is about to get mega invaded
but he’s like oh well
at least I’m still unkillable, right?
RIGHT GUYS?
fuck this I’m just gonna go downstairs and stab everybody

so he does
and he’s pretty much killing all the guy ever
it is a good reminder of how cool he used to be
back at the beginning of the play when he was stomping all the faces
except now the faces he is stomping
are the faces of ALL THE GOOD GUYS
until finally Macduff rolls up on him like hey man
what’s good
I have this sword and it is really heavy
can I just leave it inside your chest for a minute
and Macbeth is like HAHA DIDN’T YOU HEAR
NO MAN OF WOMAN BORN CAN SLAY MACBETH
and Macduff is like oh
well uh
do you happen to have a hundred and eighty-thousand dollars
and seven to eight years of free time?
and Macbeth is like well I am a king and I am immortal so I would say yeah
and Macduff is like good
BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE YOU TO MED SCHOOL BITCH
I WAS BORN VIA C-SECTION
WHICH MEANS NO WOMAN BIRTHED ME
WHICH MEANS I AM THE DUDE
WHO IS GOING TO BE CHAPERONING THIS ONE-MAN MURDERPROM
and Macbeth is like wait
doesn’t it still count as being of woman born
even if it was a C-section?
I mean
you came out of a woman, right?
that’s where you came from
wouldn’t it have made more sense for me to be killed by a woman
that seems a lot less open to interpretation
might have been a more satisfying resolution is all I’m saying
and Macduff is like dude
remember how we had to find a prepubescent boy to play your wife?
we’re all dudes living in Elizabethan England
we’re pretty sexist
and Macbeth is like okay fair point
and the Macduff kills him

so yayyyy
macbeth is dead
Malcolm gets to be king
and he pretty much can’t help but be a better king than Macbeth
literally all he has to do is have it not be eternal night
and maybe refrain from murdering ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE
and then the sequel Banquo’s son comes back
WITH A VENGEANCE

so the moral of the story
is if you are having a hard time securing that promotion at work
consider murder
it’s a great short term solution

THE END

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The Taming of the Shrew is Just the Right Amount of Ludicrously Sexist

so a guy walks out of a bar, right?

he’s threatening the management, and the management is threatening him
he broke a bunch of glasses and is refusing to pay
then he vomits and falls down
OFF TO A GOOD START SHAKESPEARE

so the owner of the bar goes to get the cops
and meanwhile some rich dude shows up after a long day of murdering animals
and he’s like oh man a drunk dude
fuck guys let’s prank the shit out of him
and everyone is like YESSSSSSSSSSSSS
and the lord is like ok here’s what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna kidnap him
and we’re gonna dress him up real nice
and we’re gonna give him a bunch of servants
and a whole ton of really delicious food
and we are going to tell him he has just been hallucinating being homeless
for like SEVEN YEARS
and he was actually mega rich all along
and everyone is like wow
that’s not so much a prank as the plot for a reality show
but you’re the boss
let’s do this

so they do this
and the dude
whose name is Sly by the way
wakes up and starts demanding booze
and they’re like YES HAVE SOME EXPENSIVE LIQUORS
and he’s like FUCK THAT I WANT REAL PEOPLE BOOZE
and they’re like BUT YOU’RE NOT REAL PEOPLE YOU’RE ROYALTY
and he’s like FUCK ROYALTY I WANNA GET TRASHED
and they’re like you have a hot wife
and he’s like ROYALTY ALL THE WAY BABY
BRING IN THE TITS BRIGADE
so they let in his wife
who is actually just some pageboy in disguise
and the pageboy comes in and Sly is like HEY BABY I HOPE YOU WORE YOUR SEXIN’ CLOTHES
BY WHICH I MEAN NO CLOTHES AT ALL I GUESS
and the pageboy is like uh well
the doctor said we can’t bone for like a couple days
and in the meanwhile we have some people who have come here to perform a play!
isn’t that great?!
and Sly is like yeah ok i guess

so then the rest of the play is the play the actors put on for Sly
SERIOUSLY
like i already told you about hamlet
where instead of killing his uncle like a real man
hamlet puts on a play about killing his uncle
and I told you about Midsummer night’s dream
where a good third of the play is spent watching some idiots rehearse a fucking play
but this right here is the king shit of frame narrative mountain
the play within this play is SO DISTENDED
IT HAS TAKEN OVER THE ENTIRE PLAY
THINK YOU’RE EVER GONNA FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO SLY?
NOPE
SORRY ASSHOLES
SHAKESPEARE DECIDED TWO SCENES IN THAT HE IS WRITING A DIFFERENT PLAY NOW
AND YOU’RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH IT

so this play is called the taming of the shrew all of a sudden
and it starts with two dudes showing up in Mantua
which is in italy
which shakespeare is for some reason fascinated with
and these dudes are called Tranio and Lucentio
they get to come on stage first
because they are pretty much the only people in the play who don’t suck
so they’re shooting the shit and whatever
when all of a sudden here comes like a million more people
there’s Bianca
who is super hot and pretty much totally great in every way
Katherina
who is such a huge bitch that it’s a plot point
Baptista
who is their father and also kind of a huge idiot
and Hortensio and Gremio who both want to bang the shit out of Bianca
understandably

so Hortensio and Gremio are both busy trying to convince Baptista to give them Bianca
and Baptista is all like NAH BROS
NOT GONNA MARRY OFF BIANCA UNTIL SOMEONE MARRIES HER UNMARRIABLE OLDER SISTER
KATHERINA, QUEEN OF THE BITCH NAVY
and Hortensio and Gremio are all like fuck man
seriously?
why would you do that
are you trying to get one of us to agree to be a wingman
and like take one for the team?
because fuck that
we both like our nuts a whole lot
and having them attached to our bodies is a high priority
so no sir
we are not going to man up
and put our dicks at the mercy of your castrating ice priestess
and Baptista is like well shit
looks like no one is happy
and Katherina is like DAMN RIGHT NO ONE’S HAPPY
YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
and Baptista is like well in the meantime
I am hiring a ton of really great tutors for my daughters
because i am assuming they are going to be single for a very long time
so if you know any tutors you should def hit me up
and then he and his daughters leave
and Gremio and Hortensio are all like fuuuuuuck
who the fuck is gonna marry that twank and open the floodgates to hot chick central
welp
better go find some idiot to do it for us
so then THEY leave

so Lucentio and Tranio have watched this whole thing take place
and Lucentio turns to Tranio and he’s like dude
dude
I totally want to bang Bianca
can you help me with this?
and Tranio is like no doubt bro
that is what bros are for and I am the most broful bro that ever bro’d a bro like you
bro
so here’s what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna disguise you as a super legit tutor
and get Baptista to hire you
and then you can bang the shit out of Bianca no problem
eh? eh?
and Lucentio is like okay I like the way you think man
but who is going to pretend to be me while I’m pretending to be a tutor?
that is super important for some reason
and Tranio is like DUH BRO
I AM GOING TO PRETEND TO BE YOU
and I am gonna get baptista to agree to marry Bianca to me
but it’s cool because I’m gonna be pretending to be you
so really he will be agreeing to marry Bianca to YOU
and you’re gonna be banging her already so it’s not like she’s gonna say no
and Lucentio is like fuck that’s brilliant
quick
exchange clothes with me
and then Lucentio’s servant shows up and gives them shit about it
but that’s okay
that guy’s only job in the play is to piss everyone off
literally everyone
ALL THE TIME

so meanwhile Katherina and Bianca are yelling at each other
Bianca is like SIS I AM TRYING TO GET LAID HERE
AND YOUR ARCTIC-ASS LOINS ARE A SERIOUS IMPEDIMENT TO THIS
and Katherina is like MAN I AM SO FUCKING FED UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT
WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING WITH A COCK AND BALLS
INSTANTLY MAGNETIZES TOWARDS YOUR LEAKY MEATPOUCH
and Bianca is like WELL MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’T THE ARCHFIEND OF BITCH ISLAND
YOU MIGHT GET SOME MANLOVE AS WELL
and Katherina is like HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE I AM ONLY LIKE THIS
BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO BANG ME?
which brings us back to the age old question
which came first
the chicken or the HUUUUGE BITCH

so meanwhile Hortensio hits up his critically insane pal Petruchio
who shows up at Hortensio’s door beating the shit out of his own servant
over a fucking syntactical error
and Hortensio is like yo bro
I called you here because I know you will fuck anything with money
and i found a chick with SO MUCH MONEY who no one else will fuck
and Petruchio is like SIGN ME UP I DON’T EVEN GIVE A FUCK
and Hortensio is like man also
I really want to bang Baptista’s other daughter Bianca
so when you go to try and hook up with Katherina
I am going to disguise myself as a music teacher
and then I want you to present me to Baptista
and he will present me to Bianca
and I will present Bianca WITH MY PENIS
and Petruchio is like GENIUS
and then Gremio shows up like wassup guys
I sure hope everyone is trying to win Bianca’s hand honestly like I am
look I brought a scholar who I am going to give to Baptista
as a kind of a bribe to get Bianca to bang me
BUT PLOT TWIST GUYS
THE SCHOLAR HE HAS IS ACTUALLY LUCENTIO
WHAAAAAT

so yeah then everyone shows up and gives completely unqualified teachers to Baptista
and Baptista accepts them totally unquestioningly
and also some books from Tranio
who remember
is pretending to be Lucentio
and is asking for Bianca’s hand in marriage
even though NEITHER HE NOR THE REAL LUCENTIO HAVE EVER ACTUALLY MET HER
YEP GUYS SHE MUST HAVE SOME GRAPPLING HOOKS FOR TITS
BECAUSE IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH TO MAKE DUDES TRY AND GET UP ONS

but then Katherina shows up
and everyone’s like oh shit here comes the bitchstorm and they leave
except for Petruchio who’s like AWRIGHT LESS DO DIS
and then he and Katherina prepare to have the most EPIC RAP BATTLE OF ALL TIME
it’s so epic you really had to be there
the closest I can come to rendering it in its original form is:
KATE: YOU’RE A STOOL
PETRUCHIO: SIT ON MY FACE
KATE: I’M TOO FAT
PETRUCHIO: YOU’RE A BEE! BUZZZZZ.
KATE: YOU’RE A BUZZ. A BUZZ-ARD! ZING!
PETRUCHIO: TURTLE!
KATE: MORE BEES!
PETRUCHIO: LET’S MAKE OUT!
and then Kate smacks him

so obviously Petruchio decides that they need to get married on Sunday
and everyone comes back into the room because the screaming has died down
and Petruchio’s like GUESS WHAT GUYS
WE’RE GETTING MARRIED ON SUNDAY!
and Kate is like what the fuck
no
and Petruchio is like aw honey don’t be coy
you were totally into it when we were alone just a moment ago
and Kate is like NO NO WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THOSE NIGHTMARES WHERE NO ONE LISTENS TO YOU
AND THEN YOU’RE NAKED AND SOMEONE HAS NAILED YOU TO A CUCUMBER
and Petruchio is like that’s my Katherina alright
and for some reason no one sees any problem with this
and Petruchio goes off to get some clothes for the wedding
and Kate freaks the fuck out and goes to her room
and then Gremio is like hey Baptista
can I marry your daughter?
I’ve kinda been trying real hard for a long time
and it seems like it might finally work out
and Tranio is like hey Baptista
I’ll pay you twice as much for your daughter as whatever Gremio pays
and Baptista is like SOLD
and Gremio is like aww

but so anyway then the real Lucentio is EXACTLY where he wants to be
but the problem is
so is Hortensio
although Hortensio manages to begin his tenure as music professor
by getting a guitar broken over his head by Katherina
so okay she’s kind of a huge bitch but she is also a born rockstar
but then immediately after that Hortensio and Lucentio
(Lucentio’s codename is Cambio by the way)
are bitching each other out over who gets to tutor Bianca first
and bianca’s all GUYS
GUYS
I’M A GROWN-ASS WOMAN
I CAN PICK MY TUTORS MYSELF
so cambio gets to teach me greek right now
while the music teacher guy tunes his instrument
and Lucentio’s like YESSSSS

so Hortensio goes to tune his violin or whatever it is
and Lucentio and Bianca go over to the other side of the stage
and Lucentio starts translating latin to her
only he’s not translating latin
he’s just saying latin
and then saying whatever the fuck he wants afterwards
all like LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET
I AM LUCENTIO AND CAN WE BANG YET?
and Hortensio’s all HEY I’M DONE TUNING
and Bianca’s like YOU STILL SOUND LIKE SHIT
TUNE THAT SHIT SOME MORE
and then she’s like LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WE’VE NEVER EVEN MET
and Lucentio is like oh man i’ll change that around real soon
and Hortensio is like SERIOUSLY I’M DONE TUNING
and then he starts giving Bianca a lesson
and tries the SAME BULLSHIT BUT WITH MUSIC
and Bianca is having none of it
although I imagine this whole thing is another HUUUUGE boost to her ego
basically the upshot of it is no one gets laid
and Hortensio and Lucentio both suspect each other
of doing EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE DOING
so that’s cool

NOW IT IS SUNDAY ALL OF A SUDDEN
everyone is waiting for Petruchio to show up
but he’s not there
and then his shitty servant shows up like oy
Petruchio is on his way
but uh
you’re not gonna like it
he’s kind of dressed like a trashbag covered in vomit and poverty
and Baptista is like WHAT THE FUCK NO WAY
and then here comes Petruchio
looking like he drove a bargain dumptruck through the ugly store
then ran himself over with the truck
and everyone is like DUDE PLEASE BORROW MY CLOTHES
DON’T GET MARRIED LOOKING LIKE THIS
PLEASE DUDE BE REASONABLE
and Petruchio is like REASONABLE?
HAVE I EVER
EVER
DONE ANYTHING TO SUGGEST THAT I AM A REASONABLE PERSON?
COME ON TOOTS LET’S GET MARRIED
and then he marries Katherina
who is understandably upset about everything that is happening
and then immediately after the wedding Petruchio is like OK WELL THAT WAS NICE
NOW WE ARE LEAVING
SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FAMILY KATHERINA OH TOO LATE HERE WE GO
and Katherina is like hey whoa fuck no
we’re staying
and Petruchio is like hm
NOPE
and then he just kind of drags her away with him
and thus begins an all-out campaign of intense psychological warfare
conducted by Petruchio on his new wife
like on the way back to his place
he knocks over Kate’s horse
then beats his servant for letting it fall over
allowing the horse to remain on his wife
then they walk home through the snow and Petruchio immediately starts screaming
at EVERYTHING
screaming and hitting people and flinging food everywhere
he is just such a perfect bastard
that there is literally no time left over for Katherina to be a bitch
plus Petruchio is starving her and depriving her of sleep
literally
he is doing things that are specifically banned in the geneva convention
pretty sure
he straight WILL NOT GIVE HER MEAT
and he sits up every night
so that whenever she falls asleep he can just start SCREAMING UNTIL SHE WAKES UP
THIS IS STRAIGHT HORRIFIC TORTURE
THIS IS NOT A COMEDY ANYMORE THIS IS FUCKING TERRIFYING

Meanwhile back in Mantua
Hortensio has gone to Tranio
(who he still thinks is Lucentio)
to tattle on the real Lucentio for being all over Bianca
so they go and spy on Lucentio
and he’s totally laying the charm on as thick as extra chunky peanut butter
the peanut butter of LOVE
and Hortensio is like look at that
look at all that love butter
that’s disgusting
I can’t believe I was ever into that chick
Dude Lucentio
let’s make a deal
I will promise to never bang Bianca
if you make me the same promise
and Tranio is like YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
by the way I keep really wanting to write Tranio’s name as Traino
but anyway then Hortensio goes off to try and marry some rich widow
and Lucentio’s servant shows up like HEY
I GOT A GUY WHO CAN FRAUDULENTLY IMPERSONATE YOUR DAD
I DON’T REMEMBER WHY WE NEED THAT BUT I GOT IT
and Traino is like SWEET
TIME TO DO MORE SHIFTY BULLSHIT
and he goes and convinces this old dude to pretend to be Lucentio’s dad Vincentio

meanwhile Katherina is trying really hard to get some food
she is starving to death and the sleep deprivation doesn’t help either
god this is just an orgy of horror
let’s talk about something else

so Baptista shows up to Lucentio’s house
and Tranio is there with the old dude pretending to be his dad
all like YEAH TOTALLY LUCENTIO CAN DEF MARRY BIANCA
FINE BY ME
and Baptista
who you may have noticed
is INSANELY GULLIBLE
is like sweet let’s do it tomorrow
seriously you could make a shit sandwich
just bread and shit
and you could give it to Baptista and be like hey Baptista
I made you a sandwich
I can vouch for this sandwich
you should put it in your mouth
and he’d be like YES SIR IMMEDIATELY WHAT COULD GO WRONG

okay now we HAVE to cut back to Kate and Petruchio
there’s plot stuff going on
because now they’re headed back to Mantua
along with Hortensio
(who is hoping Petruchio will teach him to brutally dominate HIS new wife)
and they’re riding along and Petructio is like BOY
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FULL MOON WE GOT GOING ON TONIGHT
and Kate is like dude what the fuck it’s like 10AM
and Petruchio is like WRONG BITCH
WRONG
WHAT TIME IS IT
and Kate is like 10AM
and Petruchio is like WRONG AGAIN
GUESS WHAT TITS MCGEE
WE ARE NOT GOING A STEP CLOSER TO YOUR HOME AND FAMILY UNTIL YOU AGREE IT’S NIGHT
and Kate is like ok fine it’s 10PM
and Petructio is like BZZZZT
WRONGGGG
IT’S 10AM TWANKSHANKS ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND
and Kate is like FUCK FINE WHATEVER
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY
I WILL SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT I DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMORE
I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN WEEKS AND I THINK I AM DEAD
and Petruchio is like NOW WE’RE TALKIN’
and then they run into the actual Vincentio on the way to mantua
which just adds another wrinkle to the venerable penis that is this fucking plot

so then they all arrive in Mantua
and Lucentio has just run off to go get secretly married to Bianca
or like
sort of secretly married
I mean it was Lucentio who Baptista agreed to let marry his daughter
and now it is Lucentio who has snuck over to the church in the middle of the night
where the priest is waiting for him
and some witnesses also
and marrying Bianca
honestly I don’t know why the whole thing with the fake dad and Traino was necessary
probably just for laughs
but anyway while Lucentio is getting married Petruchio and Kate
and Hortensio and the REAL Vincentio
all show up to Lucentio’s house
and they’re like OY
WHERE LUCENTIO AT
and the old dude pretending to be Vincentio sticks his head out the window like
SHUT THE FUCK UP GO AWAY
and Vincentio is like BUT I’M HIS DAD
and the old dude is like NO ME
and then Traino shows up like oh shit we’re fucked
better continue the charade for as long as possible
so he starts yelling at Vincentio like YO OLD MAN STOP PRETENDING TO BE MY DAD
and Vincentio is like TRANIO YOU AREN’T EVEN MY SON WHAT ARE YOU DOING
so Tranio calls the cops and has Vincentio arrested
and then Lucentio shows up with Baptista and Bianca like dudes chill out
I married Bianca everything is fine
let me explain the thick syrup of lies I have been feeding everyone for weeks
and Baptista and Vincentio are like well shit
I guess that works out
still gonna beat the shit out of Triano though

so but then everyone has dinner together and parties it up hard
even the widow Hortensio married shows up
she’s a huge bitch to him and he has no idea what to do about it
and then she gets into a fight with Katherina and they almost murder each other
and all the dudes are like CAT FIGHT CAT FIGHT YESSSS
but then Bianca steps in and gets them to calm down and leave the room to talk it out
and then she leaves too
and then all the dudes start giving Petruchio shit for marrying the ultrabitch
and Petruchio is like orly?
I bet I’ve brainwashed and abused her to the point where she is a good wife
and everyone is like OH YEAH?
WANNA BET?
and Petruchio is like sure
let’s all send messengers to get our wives
and whichever one comes quickest, her husband gets 200 bucks
and Lucentio and Hortensio are like AWW YISS
so Lucentio sends a message for Bianca
and the messenger comes back like SHE’S BUSY
and then Hortensio sends a messenger for the widow
and the messenger is all SHE SAYS YOU SHOULD COME TO HER
and then Petruchio sends his message
and INSTANTLY Kate is in the room like yes sir what do you want sir don’t starve me
and Petruchio is like FETCH THE OTHER WIVES
so she gets them
and then she delivers a lecture on the importance of obedient wives
and all the men give Petruchio a round of applause
while he insults his wife’s hat
ANOTHER VICTORY FOR FEMINISM

so the moral of the story
is if you’ve been striking out with the ladies a lot recently
maybe it’s because you’re not using enough deceit and torture

the end.

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A Midsummer Night’s Dreams is About a Bunch of Teens Running Around in the Woods But No One Has a Chainsaw

oh hey so first of all
thank you to everyone who did guest myths during the guest (more than a) week
you made it possible for me to get my shit together in a whole different city
and I have friends now and an apartment so you guys rock
also you guys who read this piece of shit
all of you warm the cockles of my heart
hehe cockles

alright so I liked retelling hamlet so much that I am on a shakespeare kick now
here’s one about a whole cornucopia of idiots

alright so there’s this king Theseus right
OH SHIT THESEUS
you remember him right?
he’s that rompin’ stompin’ womanizing dick train from greece
fuck that describes pretty much every greek hero and also zeus
anyway this play we’re about to talk about
takes place in Athens right after Theseus has stolen Hyppolita from the Amazons
and right before he ditches her to fuck some other chick
and she kills herself at his wedding
so basically the play takes place in a relatively rare sweet spot
where Theseus is not being an asshole
MOVING ON

so Theseus and Hippolyta are about to get married right
but their premarital bliss is totally getting buzzkilled by some asshole Egeus
who is bitching about his daughter Hermia
and how she refuses to marry some prick Demetrius
and then Hermia busts in yelling about how Demetrius is a total prick
cause up until like a week ago he was all into this other broad Helena
and also cause she herself is totally tits over nipples for this other dude Lysander
who is also mega into her tits and nipples
and no one is interested in this Helena chick at all
even though Helena is practically tripping over her tits trying to get at Demetrius
so basically the central problem of this play
is that Hermia is way hotter than Helena

but so yeah Theseus is bored of listening to everyone bitch
so he’s like ALRIGHT
I’M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW GUYS
IF EVERYONE DOESN’T FIGURE OUT WHO THEY’RE MARRYING BY THEN
EVERYBODY DIES
and then he leaves
so then Hermia goes to her sexbiscuit Lysander
all like Lysander hey
shit’s fucked up
and Lysander’s like well you know what they say
when the going gets tough
the tough elope
seriously I have an aunt in the next town she’ll buy us beer and everything
OH YEAH I FORGOT
EVERYONE IS LIKE FIFTEEN IN THIS PLAY

so anyway then later Hermia runs into her main chick Helena
you know
the ugly one
and she’s like yo helena
me and my boytoy Lysander bout to elope tonight
hopefully once Demetrius realizes my vagina’s too far away he’ll settle for yours
good luck!
and then she leaves
and Helena is like CURSE HER HIGH CHEEKBONES
I CAN’T STAND TO SEE ANYONE HAPPY WHEN I AM SO UGLY ALL THE TIME
I KNOW
I’LL SHIT IN EVERYONE’S MILK BY TELLING DEMETRIUS ABOUT THE WHOLE PLAN
so she does
and Demetrius is like WELL BUTTER MY NUTSACK
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR RUNNING INTO THE FOREST BRANDISHING A SWORD
seriously now
who is the dipshit responsible for passing out swords to all these fucking tweens?

but anyway then it’s night time and everyone is in the forest
no one is enjoying themselves even a little bit
except for one dude but we’ll get to him later
right now what we are concerned with is some fucking faeries
they are called Oberon and Titania and they are supposed to be the king and queen
(of faeries)
but right now they are having a shit-fit over one of Oberon’s prepubescent boytoys
it doesn’t even matter why
the point is Titania has him and won’t give him back
and Oberon is being a petulant numbnuts and stomping his feet a lot
and then Titania leaves and he comes up with this plan
with the help of the one dude who is consistently having a good time:
Puck
Aka Robin Goodfellow
Aka the main driving force between all of the action in the fucking play
in Sandman Neil Gaiman portrays Puck as this like terrifying trickster
but honestly he seems more like someone who never bothered to learn competence
because he finds his incompetence fucking hilarious
anyway Oberon is like YO PUCK
THERE’S SOME REALLY DANGEROUS FLOWERS CHILLING IN THESE WOODS
IF YOU RUB THEM ON PEOPLE’S EYES WHILE THEY ARE ASLEEP
THEY WILL BE ALL HOT FOR THE FIRST THING THEY SEE WHEN THEY WAKE UP
WE ARE GOING TO MAKE TITANIA FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMETHING REALLY GROSS
IT WILL BE HILARIOUS

so puck goes off to pick some sexflowers
and meanwhile Oberon gets to watch Helena chasing Demetrius through the woods
while Demetrius chases Lysander and Hermia
presumably intending to kill them
oh and i guess now would be a good time to mention
that everyone in this play speaks in couplets
so when Helena is chasing Demetrius it sounds something like
IT’S HARD TO RUN AND STILL BE SEXY
I LOVE A MAN WHO WON’T RESPECT ME
and then Demetrius is all
GET OFF MY NUTS YOU SCABBY HO
NOW WHERE’D THAT TWAT LYSANDER GO?
and so on and so forth until Demetrius kicks Helena in the head and runs away

so Oberon is watching all of this
and one of his super powers is meddling
so when Puck gets back with all the sexyflowers
he’s like yo dude
new plan
I’m still gonna go put plant jizz all over my wife’s eyes
but now I ALSO want you to do it to this Athenian guy I found
he needs to fall in love with this ugly chick because why the fuck not
so Oberon goes off to massage his wife’s eyeballs with love juice
and meanwhile puck goes to find some Athenian dude
MEANWHILE here come Lysander and Hermia
being all lovey dovey and making me sick
but also being super lost and pretty incompetent
now see if this was a horror movie this is the part where they would start making out
and then Lysander would get stabbed in the brain by an evil shovel zombie
but noooo
instead they gotta be all proper about shit
and go to sleep like ten feet apart
because they’re not married yet and THAT SIMPLY ISN’T DONE
(this is Hermia’s idea by the way
Lysander is all for a little premarital hoinko boinko)
so here comes Puck riding the fuck you bus straight through forest towne
and he’s like WHOA HERE’S SOME CHICK SLEEPING REAL FAR FROM SOME DUDE
CLEARLY THIS IS THE DUDE OBERON WANTED ME TO PRANK
although actually this chick is not ugly at all
she has tits like silicone torpedoes
but oh well whatever
not like whatever happens won’t be FUCKING HILARIOUS anyway

so he anoints Lysander’s eyes with the love potion
and then here comes Demetrius and Helena
and Demetrius is like BITCH GET AWAY FROM ME
and Helena is like I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR FREE
but Demetrius is havin’ none of it
he just runs away leaving Helena in the clearing with the sleeping Lysander and his sidekick Hermia
and she’s like LYSANDER LYSANDER PLEASE BE AWAKE
and Lysander’s like THERE’S A FIRE IN MY LOINS AND YOUR COOCH IS A LAKE
and Helena is like whoa dude that’s pretty impolite
and Lysander is like I WANNA BANG YOU ALLLLLLL NIGHT
and Helena is like dude we aren’t rhyming anymore I am seriously creeped out
and Lysander is like I WOULD DESCRIBE ALL THE THINGS I WANNA DO TO YOU
BUT THAT SHIT WOULD GET BLEEPED OUT
and Helena is like fuck this i’m out of here
and she runs away and Lysander chases her
and then Hermia wakes up like what the fuck where’s my man at
and then SHE runs away looking for Lysander
and from here on out shit is officially fucked up

SO CUT TO SOME CONSTRUCTION WORKERS REHEARSING A PLAY IN THE WOODS
and if you thought everyone else in this play was idiots
lemme let you in on a little secret, sugartits
these characters right here are written with the SPECIFIC AND EXCLUSIVE PURPOSE
of being being the most elite paratroopers of stupidity every to drop out of the moron hatch
they are:
Peter Quince, the carpenter
Snug, the Joiner
Francis Flute, the Bellows-mender
Robin Starveling, the tailor
Tom Snout, the tinkerer
and NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER
guys
if there was every any doubt that it was shakespeare who wrote these plays
instead of some fancy rich asshole with too much time on his hands
NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER is all the proof you need
to convince you that no educated person would be caught dead near this theatrical clusterfuck
so lemme get this straight
you’re writing a play set in athens
your characters are named things like Theseus
Helena
and NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER
that’s like if you wrote a play set in the stone age with a bunch of cavemen
and one of them was named PROFESSOR MCBUTTS THE ASTROPHYSICIST
actually could someone please write that play

but anyway speaking of plays these guys are performing one
somehow they got their hands on a copy of the script for pyramus and thisby
i don’t know why anyone would sell a script to these idiots but they did
and now everyone is trying to figure out what parts they will play
and Nick Bottom the Weaver has already got it all figured out
you see Nick Bottom the Weaver is going to play EVERY PART
but Peter Quince is pretty used to dealing with the fucking Diva festival that is Bottom
so he convinces bottom to just settle for the lead role: Pyramus
and so bottom happily proceeds to not memorize any of the lines and yell a lot
meanwhile everyone else gets cast as other stuff
but it doesn’t matter because it’s all going to get changed around later
when they decide they need actors playing the parts of all the inanimate objects in the play
in fact the rest of the seen is spent fucking the entire script to death
like OH FUCK EVERYONE IS GONNA THINK THE LION IS REAL
BETTER SPEND TEN MINUTES EXPLAINING THAT IT ISNT
ALSO WE NEED SOMEONE TO PLAY THE WALL
BETWEEN PYRAMUS AND THISBY’S HOUSES
AND UH
HOW ABOUT THE MOON?
WE DON’T HAVE ANYONE PLAYING THE MOON YET
also bottom still really wants to play the lion but that ship has sailed
and then to top it all off
Puck shows up and puts the final nail in the coffin by showing up during the dress rehearsal
and turning Bottom’s head into an ASS’S HEAD
HAHA ASS MEANS BUTT AND SO DOES BOTTOM
DO YOU GET IT?
IF NOT THAT’S OKAY
BECAUSE SHAKESPEARE’S GONNA BEAT THAT DEAD HORSE FOR 50 MORE PAGES
oh yeah and then all of Bottom’s friends run away
because really they were looking for an excuse to ditch that guy
and then he runs into Titania
who remember
has gotten lovejuice massaged into her eyeballs by her petulant child-raping husband
and she wakes up and she’s like OH MAN SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR DISGUSTING FACE
REALLY TURNS ME ON
HERE
HAVE SOME SLAVES AND ALSO MY AFFECTION
so everything works out pretty well for Bottom and basically no one else

OKAY CUT BACK TO THE HORNY TEENS CHASING EACH OTHER IN THE DARK
or actually cut back to Puck and Oberon laughing about how they just pranked Titania
although just to clarify guys
this was NOT PUCK’S PLAN AT ALL
he just saw some dudes and he was like man you know what would be great
is if that guy had a DONKEY HEAD
and then Bottom just happened to run into Titania later and everything worked out perfectly
what did i tell you about Puck being fantastically incompetent?
and then Oberon is like hey so did you make that athenian dude fall in love with that chick like i said?
and puck is like yeah totally
oh look here they come right now
but it’s not them
it’s Hermia getting chased by Demetrius
and Hermia is screaming at Demetrius tryin to find out where Lysander’s at
and Demetrius is like HOW ABOUT WE JUST FUCK AND FORGET ABOUT IT
and Hermia is like EW HOW ABOUT I KILL MYSELF
and Demetrius is like HOW ABOUT I KILL LYSANDER
and Hermia is like YOU’D HAVE TO FIND HIM FIRST
and Oberon is like PUCK GOD DAMMIT WHAT DID YOU DO
and Puck is like I don’t know but it sure is hilarious
and then Hermia runs away and leaves Demetrius alone in the woods
and Demetrius is so overcome with grief that he falls asleep
and Oberon is like alright Puck
dude’s asleep right in front of us
go fix this shit
and Puck’s like sure why not
so he rubs lovejuice on Demetrius’s face

now at this point the relationship dynamics in this play may seem a little complicated
so i have devised a handy chart for keeping track of who wants to bang who
observe:

okay so yeah Demetrius has got lovejuice all over his eyes
and in comes Helena getting chased by Lysander
and Helena is all like STOP CHASING ME I’M GETTING TIRED
and Lysander is like MY DICK’S SO HARD I’M FULLY WIRED
GIRL I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY SON
and Demetrius wakes up like YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE
and Helena’s like HA HA GUYS THAT’S VERY FUNNY
and Demetrius is like NOT AS FUNNY AS MY COCK, HONEY
and Lysander’s like what the fuck is that supposed to mean
and Demetrius is like what do you THINK it means?
and Lysander’s like MAKE ME
and then they’re about to beat the shit out of each other
and HERMIA shows up
like THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE THESE WOODS ARE WEIRD
and Lysander’s like BITCH I WOULDN’T USE YOUR PUBES TO WIPE MY BEARD
and Helena is like don’t mind him hermia
he is just trying to prank me by pretending to be in love with me
god this is like high school all over again
also Demetrius is doing the same thing
and Helena is like GOD DAMMIT LYSANDER STOP PRANKING HER
and Lysander is like BITCH I AIN’T PRANKING SHIT
GET AWAY FROM ME
and Demetrius is like NO YOU GET AWAY FROM ME
I AM GONNA BANG HELENA AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
and Helena is like guys this prank is really hurting my feelings
and Hermia is like YOUR feelings?
they both want to bang you
what about MY feelings?
I am not gonna get shown up by some short tall ugly bitch
and Helena is like WHO YOU CALLIN UGLY YOU FUCKIN MIDGET
and instead of standing back and watching the catfight unfold like real men
maybe providing some jello
Demetrius and Lysander start doing the SAME SHIT
all insulting each other and about to fight or whatever
and everyone keeps calling Hermia short
because i guess it’s the one flaw anyone can find with her PERFECT GODDAMN BODY
and basically no one is happy at all
except for Puck
who is sitting in a tree with some popcorn
laughing
his
ass off

so Demetrius and Lysander decide they need to run off into the woods
to have the ULTIMATE PISSING CONTEST for Helena’s love
and Hermia is like NO GUYS COME BACK AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME
and Lysander is like LET GO OF ME SHORTY SHORT SHORTPANTS
and he runs away
and Hermia is like HELENA YOU TOWERING BITCH I’M GONNA CUT YOU
and Helena is like YOU MAY HAVE A KNIFE BUT MY LEGS ARE LONGER THAN YOURS
I’M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
so she sprints away

so Oberon goes up to puck and he’s like hey puck
and puck’s like yeah?
and Oberon is like what the fuck did you do Puck?
and Puck’s like man I did exactly what you told me to do
and Oberon’s like fair enough
so uh
wanna go fix it?
and Puck’s like sure boss
so he goes into the woods where Demetrius and Lysander are chasing each other
and he pretends to be both of them until they both run into trees trying to find him
and pass out
and then he puts MORE LOVE POTION on Lysander’s eyes
and then Helena and Hermia show up and they fall asleep there too
jesus does everyone have narcolepsy in this play?

meanwhile Bottom is getting the royal treatment
but then Puck shows up and dispells the love potion that’s on Titania
and then Titania is like EWW WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and then i guess she and Oberon get back together
because all it took was for Oberon to prank his wife real good one time
and everything worked itself out

so meanwhile the sun comes up
and Theseus and Hippolyta come waltzing through the woods
and they pretty much trip over these four sleeping idiot tweens
and they’re like YO KIDS
WAKE YO ASSES UP
and everyone wakes up and is in love with the right people
like Lysander is in love with Hermia
and Demetrius is in love with Helena
and everyone gets married IMMEDIATELY
and then at the wedding reception
Bottom and co show up to perform the shittiest version of Pyramus and Thisby ever
I won’t bother to tell you the story because I already told it to you MONTHS AGO
but suffice to say everyone is severely incompetent
and none of the people watching the play let anyone say two lines in a row
without interrupting and being total dicks about it
so that’s a good way to round things out
and then everyone lives happily ever after
except probably Demetrius because he got pranked into marrying some ugly broad

so the moral of the story
is if you can’t be
with the one you love
get a fairy to anoint your eyes with flower spooge
you’ll fall in love a goddamn air conditioning unit if you have to

THE END.

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Hamlet is Very Bad At Revenge

Woo I’m back
I still don’t have a house
I am staying in a place where at least two people offer to sell me blow per day
it’s great I am loving it a lot
here is a story about a dumb idiot

okay so there’s this kid hamlet right
he’s real pissed because his uncle killed his dad
and is now fucking his mom
why would you get pissed about something like that
it happens ALL THE TIME
oh yeah also his mom is the QUEEN OF DENMARK
which makes hamlet’s uncle the KING
and also hamlet is the prince but he’s gonna die anyway so who cares
actually everyone is gonna die
spoilers

so basically the play opens with hamlet being real snippy to his stepdad
and then his pal Horatio
whose job is to stoke Hamlet’s retard fires with plenty of idiot coal
shows up all like HEY HAMLET COME HERE I SAW THE GHOST OF YOUR DAD
and hamlet is like BULLSHIT LEMME SEE
OH SHIT THAT’S TOTALLY MY DAD’S GHOST OVER THERE
HE’S TELLING ME TO KILL MY UNCLE
GOOD THING I ALWAYS LISTEN WHEN GHOSTS TELL ME TO KILL PEOPLE
guys when was the last time a ghost told you to do something constructive
like run the dishwasher or do yoga
i feel like ghosts only ever give bad advice
but whatever

so then hamlet wanders around for about several years
(which translates into roughly 2 hours of your valuable real-life time)
being crazy and not accomplishing anything
so it falls to the other characters to be interesting and do things
ENTER OPHELIA
she’s some chick Hamlet was trying to bang I guess
but the thing no one seems to realize
is hamlet is crazy and he doesn’t give a fuck about Ophelia even at all
Ophelia’s bro Laertes is all HEY OPHELIA BE SURE NOT TO FUCK HAMLET
I FEEL LIKE HE IS PROBABLY CRAZY AND ALSO A TERRIBLE HUSBAND
and Ophelia is like psh whatever bro
and then Ophelia’s dad Polonius immediately shows up like HEY OPHELIA
HAVE YOU FUCKED HAMLET YET BECAUSE DON’T
IN FACT
LET’S BE ON THE SAFE SIDE
HOW ABOUT NEVER SPEAK TO HAMLET EVER AGAIN
BE SURE TO OFFER NO EXPLANATION AT ALL
THAT’S A GOOD WAY TO TREAT CRAZY PEOPLE
and Ophelia is like ok gosh fine ok dad

so meanwhile the King uncle dude
whose name is Claudius by the way
hits up some of Hamlet’s old bros named Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
who I think shakespeare named specifically to fuck with my typing fingers
and he’s like hey guys
Hamlet’s wandering around getting crazy all over my nice palace
i’ll totally pay you to take him out for some beers and make him chill the fuck out
and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are like NO PROBLEM BRO
and OFF THEY GO
but it turns out Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are not licensed psychiatrists
and are thus TOTALLY USELESS WHEN DEALING WITH HAMLET
who is wandering around yelling about things like bodkins
and dreams that come
and whether or not there are bees or something
i don’t know
he talks a lot and I think i fell asleep for a while
but anyway finally he’s like oh man
all this wandering around yelling about murder
made me TOTALLY FORGET about how i promised to murder my uncle like eighty pages ago
i should probably get on that
but how?
OH I KNOW
I’LL PRODUCE A PLAY ABOUT HOW MY UNCLE MURDERED MY DAD
god dammit hamlet
we are already in a play about how your uncle murdered your dad
what are you doing
what the fuck are you doing
are you trying to piss me off?
is this like the song that never ends
except instead of songs
it is fucking soliloquies about how you wish your flesh would melt off?
but anyway yeah that’s his brilliant plan
he wants to put on the play and if Claudius freaks out he’ll know he’s guilty
WAY TO DISTRUST YOUR GHOST DAD DICKWIT
IF A GHOST OF YOUR DAD SHOWS UP AND TELLS YOU WHO KILLED HIM
YOU HAVE SOME PRETTY PRIME FUCKING EVIDENCE RIGHT THERE
YOU DON’T NEED TO GO AROUND DOING SPEECHES AND CRYING AND WRITING PLAYS
WHAT ARE YOU A FUCKING POET?
IF YOU ARE THEN YOU SHOULDN’T BE WRITING PLAYS SHOULD YOU TWATBISCUIT
WELL I MEAN I GUESS SHAKESPEARE WAS A POET
BUT YOU’RE NOT SHAKESPEARE ARE YOU ASSHOLE
I MEAN YOU KIND OF ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE A SHAKESPEARE CHARACTER
BUT LOOK JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP OK

but ok so meanwhile
i guess hamlet like freaks out and pulls a really creepy move on Ophelia
where he just busts into her room and starts touching her face and shit
not saying anything
just sitting there
touching
and so Ophelia goes to her dad like what the fuck do I do dad
and Polonius is like oh shit
I guess he was genuinely in love with you after all
man my mistake for telling you to dump him
WHAT?!
NO
THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE
THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY A CRAZY ASSHOLE
but that is not how things work in the glacially slow mind of professor retard
(that is my clever nickname for Polonius)
so he runs to Claudius and he’s like yo
Claudius
I figured out why Hamlet’s being a crazy asshole
it’s because of my daughter
and Claudius is like YES OF COURSE
IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HOW I MURDERED HIS DAD
AND FUCKED HIS MOM
LET US ESTABLISH THIS BY SETTING UP A MEETING BETWEEN HAMLET AND OPHELIA
AND THEN EAVESDROPPING ON IT
why is everyone trying to establish shit all the time
why aren’t they just manning up and killing each other
that’s why we showed up to this play right?
right.

so they set up this meeting between hamlet and ophelia
and hamlet does the reasonable thing and treats her like shit
and gets really excited about her becoming a nun
I guess maybe it is a fetish for him or something?
but yeah basically no one who is eavesdropping has any idea what the fuck this means
they are failing to drop any substantial eaves
like they are letting eaves fly left and right
but they are falling WAYYY WIDE OF THE MARK
eaves all dropping on innocent bystanders
mutilating their private fucking conversations

but okay so the play happens
not the play we’re already watching
the play hamlet made
and hamlet is a really shitty audience member the entire time
yelling at everyone and asking for refills on his soda and throwing things
in one version I saw he had a flashlight and he kept shining it in everyone’s eyes
in another version Mel Gibson just started climbing everyone’s chairs
the point is Hamlet went through a lot of trouble to put on this play
by which i mean he payed some dudes and then he yelled at them a little
and now here he is shitting directly into the center of it
but GUESS WHAT
HIS PLAN WORKS
CLAUDIUS FREAKS THE FUCK OUT WITH GUILT AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM
so Hamlet is like AT LAST I HAVE MY PROOF
I KNOW WHAT I GOTTA DO
I GOTTA
CONTINUE DOING MONOLOGUES FOR ANOTHER COUPLE HOURS
YAYYYYYYYYYYYY

Meanwhile Claudius is in his room like oh fuck oh shit i am not going back to jail
guys we gotta send Hamlet to England to chill out for a while
and Polonius is like GREAT IDEA
you know how we can make it an even better idea?
get his mom to chill him the fuck out
THEN send him to England
and I will make it even better by eavesdropping on their conversation
I feel like I did not drop enough eaves earlier
and Claudius is like sure why the hell not
hey wife go solve my problems

so Gertrude hits up hamlet like yo son
and hamlet is like OH SHIT TIME TO SCREAM AND THREATEN VIOLENCE
AAAAAAAAAAAA VIOLENCE VIOLENCE VIOLENCE
THIS MEETING IS HAVING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE INTENDED EFFECT
so then Polonius
who is dropping mad eaves as discussed
is all like GUARDS GUARDS GET IN HERE HAMLET IS GONNA CRAZY HIS MOM TO DEATH
and Hamlet is like FUCK I ALMOST JUST TRIPPED OVER ALL THE EAVES GETTING DROPPED HERE
BETTER STAB WHOEVER JUST SAID THAT
so he stabs polonius who proceeds to die
and hamlet has kind of thinks he is rats or maybe the king
or maybe the rat king from the nutcracker suite or something
but nope
it’s polonius
captain of the SS Dumbass
and when Hamlet finds that out he is actually kind of sad
so he responds to it like any of us would
he drags the body away and hides it in some stairs

so then comes the part of the play
where everyone is trying to get hamlet to tell them where the body is
and he is being a prick about it
seriously like
he admits to everyone that he killed Polonius
and they’re like where’s the body
and he’s like WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW
and then finally he tells them
and Claudius
who has really wanted to kill hamlet for a while
is like fuck dude now I pretty much HAVE to banish you
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
please to escort hamlet to England
with a note that says the king of england should kill him
MY CLEVERNESS KNOWS NO BOUNDS
oh PS Ophelia is crazy now
turns out having your dad stabbed by the same crazy asshole who’s trying to bone you
is not conducive to mental health
so she walks around singing songs and not listening to anyone at all
and then Laertes shows up
he was in France this whole time so he didn’t have to deal with Hamlet’s bullshit
but he’s sure as shit back now
now that his dad is dead and his sister is a full time resident of hotel crazy
he’s like what the fuck hamlet
hamlet
what the fuck
I knew you were kind of a shitty guy
but what are you even doing
did you spend your vast royal inheritance on a dump truck
and then use all the time I was gone to fill it with your feces
and then at the appointed moment
release it over the heads of everyone I know and/or love?
THAT SEEMS LIKE WHAT YOU DID HAMLET

and then WHABAM
HAMLET IS BACK BITCHES
all like yeah what’s up
totally hitched a ride with some pirates
also
replaced rosencrantz and guildenstern’s letter with a letter saying to kill them
that’s right
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead
i feel like that is the name of some other play
that is much better than this one
whatever
now that I’m back I can FINALLY ENACT MY MASTER PLAN:
STARING AT THIS SKULL I FOUND AND TALKING MORE
HOLY SHITBALLS HAMLET
STOP TALKING AND FUCKING STAB SOMEONE ALREADY

but so meanwhile Claudius hears Hamlet is back
because hamlet shows up at Polonius’s funeral and pisses everyone off by talking
so Claudius is like GOD DAMMIT ASSHOLE WHY WON’T YOU DIE
and he convinces Laertes
(who if you recall
is really pissed off at Hamlet)
to have a friendly duel with him
that just happens to involve a poison-tipped sword
and also a cup full of poison in case the sword misses
basically there is just gonna be poison all over the place
and then while they’re planning this someone walks in like hey
Ophelia drowned by the way
apparently she had the kind of crazy that makes you bad at swimming
and Laertes is like HAMLET
SERIOUSLY

so they have their duel
pretty sure hamlet does some more talking first but whatever
the point is they have a duel
after shaking hands and promising not to be mad at each other
and Hamlet is just beating the shit out of Laertes
not even getting stabbed with any poison at all
so Claudius is like HEY DUDE GOOD JOB
DRINK THIS CUP OF POISON TO CELEBRATE
and Gertrude is like HEY I LIKE POISON LEMME GET AT THAT
and Claudius is like wait no that’s not for you aww shit
and Laertes is like well shit
everything is fucked now
better be a cheater and stab hamlet a couple times
so he does
and hamlet is like OW FUCK
LEMME TAKE YOUR SWORD AND STAB YOU BACK
and Laertes is like HAMLET
HAMLET DO YOU EVER STOP SUCKING
SERIOUSLY THIS IS BOWLING BALL THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE LEVEL SUCKING
and then he dies
and Hamlet is like well fuck
I have a sword with poison all over it
my mom and one of my best bros are both dead
the king is right here
why not stab him a couple times?
so he does
and the king is like ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?
I HAD THREE GREAT PLANS FOR KILLING YOU
THREE
YOU KNOW HOW MANY PLANS YOU HAD?
NONE
YOU STABBED ME JUST NOW BECAUSE I HAPPENED TO BE IN THE ROOM WITH A POISON SWORD
IT’S NOT EVEN YOUR SWORD
IT’S NOT EVEN YOUR POISON
NOT EVEN YOUR ROOM COME TO THINK OF IT
WHAT THE FUCK HAMLET
SERIOUSLY

so then hamlet is dying from the poison obviously
so he lies down like OH DANG I AM DYING
TIME TO MAKE MORE SPEECHES
and Horatio is like shhh shhh it’s ok
no one wants to hear you talk anymore
no one ever wanted to hear you talk
and then hamlet dies
and then the king of Norway shows up like WELP
UH
FINDERS KEEPERS?

so the moral of the story
is if you are trying to kill someone
you should try just stabbing them immediately
soliloquies do not help with this
but on the other hand
if what you are trying to do is get revenge on someone
maybe subjecting them to two hours of interminable gibberish
and then accidentally killing them at the last possible moment
is the PERFECT plan

The end!

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Romeo and Juliet Are Doing It Wrong

Alright so love right

we already know it makes people do some pretty wild shit
but who could have suspected
that the wildest shit of all
would be done by a couple of thirteen year olds
with ready access to swords and poison
oh that’s right
EVERYBODY

but lemme back up real quick
no use skipping to the end
my girlfriend always gets mad at me when i do that
or she would
if I HAD a girlfriend
how do you think i have time to write all these myths guys
anyway yeah what we are dealing with in this story
is there are two noble royal rich as fuck houses
the Capulets and the Montagues
now the main trait of the Capulets
is that they really fucking hate Montagues
and the Montagues are more or less defined
by the unusual extent to which they hate the capulets
remove this and the ENTIRE POWER STRUCTURE WOULD CRUMBLE
seriously these dudes hate each other a whole lot
like one time a bunch of Capulets are walking down the street
and one of them just happens to nibble on one of his fingers
in the direction of some fucking Montague
BAM
STREETFIGHT
so that should give you an idea of the kind of bullshit we’re dealing with

now the prince is sick to fucking death of this tomfoolery
so he makes a law that is like hey guys
next dude to perpetuate this age-old rivalry
GETS SKULLFUCKED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN
so that puts a damper on the rampant murdering
FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES

meanwhile there is this dude Romeo
he is the son of Mister Montague himself
and he’s totally pining the shit out of himself over some broad named Rosaline
who the fuck is she
could be anyone
remember
ROMEO IS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD
ROSALINE COULD BE A GODDAMN WASHING MACHINE FOR ALL WE KNOW
HE HAS PRETTY MUCH JUST DISCOVERED HE HAS A PENIS
SLAP A PAIR OF TITS ON A FUCKING BICYCLE
AND IT SUDDENLY BECOMES PRIME WIENER-RUBBING REAL ESTATE
so Romeo’s homie Benvolio gets on his case about it
like dude come on get over this bitch she’s not worth it
I can get you like fourteen or fifteen different varieties of laid man
a whole exotic box of chocolates full of sexual hijinks
bro i am such an excellent wingman
that if you were to duct tape one of me to each arm
you would ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO FLY
AND I WOULD GET YOU LAID IN MIDAIR
look man i have a plan
see Capulet is having this sweet masquerade ball
and as we all know the hottest chicks
are the ones who would straight up murder you if they knew who you were
so how about we put on some really absurd masks
and get our freak on with some bad decisions
and romeo is like FINE BUT I’M NOT GOING TO ENJOY IT

but it turns out Romeo is wrong about this
in fact romeo being wrong about things is going to kind of be a running theme
because see Romeo has been at this party all of SIX SECONDS
when he falls head over pubes for this masked chick
and they take off their masks to start making out
and HOLY SHIT IT’S JULIET
DAUGHTER OF MISTER CAPULET
HOW COULD THINGS GET ANY MORE CONVENIENTLY DRAMATIC
also where the fuck is Benvolio during all this
isn’t the whole point of having a wingman
so that you don’t end up doing shit like
going home with some kind of transvestite tyrannosaur
or THE DAUGHTER OF YOUR FATHERS’ BLOOD RIVAL?
my current theory
is that Benvolio was using all his wingman powers on himself
and probably getting his dick sucked by a rotating lazy susan COVERED IN HOT CHICKS
then he probably fucked the lazy suzan because it had a girls’ name
BENVOLIO: Perhaps the only person who comes out ahead in this play?

anyway Romeo totally forgets about Rosaline
which I guess is a good thing
but it is balanced out by an incredibly bad thing
which is that now he is in love with a chick
who HE CANNOT BE SEEN WITH UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH
of course this doesn’t stop romeo
from jumping the walls around Juliet’s house
and serenading her with all this poetic bullshit
about how she is like the sun
or some light that breaks the window over there or something
to be honest I don’t really understand shakespeare very well
anyway Juliet is so turned on by this shit
that she is like OH SHIT LET’S BONE
BUT WAIT
FIRST LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE

whoa
slow down there soggypants
MARRIAGE?
YOU LITTLE SHITS HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR TWO DAYS
PERHAPS I DO NOT HAVE A LOT OF FAITH IN THE POWER OF LOVE
BUT I FEEL LIKE TWO DAYS
IS A SHORT MOTHERFUCKING TIMEFRAME FOR MARRIAGE
you sure you guys wouldn’t rather like
go steady for a little while?
seriously all you assholes know about each other
is that you both like smooching
and that your romance is FOOLHARDY AND DANGEROUS
but no worries guys
here comes Friar Lawrence
enabling ALL your bad teenage decisions
because he thinks getting these fucks married
might make peace between the goddamn hatfields and mccoys over here
BOY IS HE WRONG

see no sooner have Romeo and Juliet gotten secretly married
then Juliet’s cousin Tybalt finds out that Romeo crashed that mask party
and decides to go fuck his shit up
pause for a second
does anyone else think Tybalt sounds like a brand of dogfood?
anyone?
ok unpause
so Tybalt
who I envision as Biff from back to the future
is like hey McFly
how about i stab you for trespassing on my fucking party
and Romeo is like dude I’m kind of your cousin in law now
it would be pretty gauche of me to murder you
and Tybalt is like ARE YOU SAYING YOU COULD TAKE ME
and romeo is like dude chill out i am trying to get my bone on over here
and Tybalt is like RAAAAAAAAA
and finally Romeo’s OTHER buddy Mercutio
who is like several years older than basically everybody else
but for some reason hangs out with all these shitty people
shows up like dammit
Romeo
why you gotta be such a pussy
now I’VE gotta stab this guy with swords
AND THEN IT IS FIGHT TIME
but Romeo does not want it to be fight time
so he jumps right in the middle of the fight
distracting his friend long enough
for his friend to get gutstabbed by Tybalt
and that pisses off romeo so much that Romeo kills Tybalt
and then with his dying breath Mercutio is like
I hope you guys all get aids

so remember when I said the Prince made that law about murdering?
well Tybalt is dead so he can’t get punished for shit
SO IT LOOKS LIKE ROMEO IS THE ONLY GUY WHO GETS FUCKED OVER
yeah he kind of gets exiled on pain of death
but not before spending a night boning up a secret righteous storm
with bad-decisions barbie over here
hey Friar Lawrence
great job bringing peace and everything
dick

so meanwhile Juliet is bummed all the way out
and her dad interprets this as a burning desire
to get married to some asshole named paris
GUYS
NO ONE NAMED PARIS IS A QUALITY HUMAN BEING
HISTORY HAS SHOWN THIS
anyway Juliet is like shit i can’t tell my dad
what is really going on
I need some kind of stupid and desperate plan
and Friar Lawrence is like hm
stupid desperate plans are my specialty
here
drink this poison I made
it will only kill you for 2 days
then you will wake up in a creepy cemetery
and we can send a letter to romeo to let him know to pick you up
and everything will be great and nothing will suck
WHAT COULD GO WRONG

so Juliet chugs poison and dies
(TEMPORARILY)
(FOR NOW)
and Friar Lawrence sends the messenger to get Romeo
but apparently Friar Lawrence has shitty messengers
because before the messenger gets there
some other messenger arrives
and is like hey dude
Juliet’s dead
and Romeo is like OH FUCK
THERE GOES MY REASON FOR LIVING
and he buys out the local poison warehouse
and then goes to Juliet’s tomb
where he finds that asshole paris hunched over her dead body
prolly fondling her boob
and so Romeo kills that guy
and then he drinks poison and dies
because you see
only chumps settle for diamonds
if you really want to show her you love her:
MURDER-SUICIDE

so Juliet wakes up literally like a minute later
due to the magic of THEATRICAL TIMING
and she is like aw fuckbucket
now I gotta kill myself for realsies
so she does that
with a knife this time
making her officially more manly than her boyfriend
or wait I’m sorry
HUSBAND
or shit I mean
FUCKING RETARDED CORPSE

so the moral of the story is
the secret to any good relationship
is communication

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
because the whole point of my telling this myth today
was as a very roundabout way
of asking this classy dame Paige
if she would be willing
to give a shot to an equally classy dude
named Nick

NOW PAIGE
READ/LISTEN TO MY WORDS VERY CLOSELY:
YOUR HYPOTHETICAL ROMANCE WITH NICK WILL NOT
I REPEAT
WILL NOT
BE ANYTHING LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET’S SEX DISASTER
in fact
i’m pretty sure the purpose of me telling you this
is to illustrate for you the exact OPPOSITE
of what going out with this Nick guy is gonna be like
and just for the record I checked this guy’s background for you
he does not have any swords
and his lips are refreshingly free of poison
also I’m pretty sure he’s not 13
because a thirteen year old would not be able to afford my services
either that
or he is an extremely financially secure thirteen year old
in which case i suggest riding that money train
all the way to the money train station
so seriously
trust a love expert
START SMOOCHING NOW THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE

The end.

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