Don Quixote Stupids His Way To Success (Part 1)

Alright so first of all
I want to thank invincible sex god Brett Mansaw
for paying me money to tell one of my favorite stories ever
second of all
I want to actually tell the story

Jesus christ Don Quixote

first off I guess I should tell you
that the dude who is widely credited with writing this story
is a huge buttface liar
who pretends he just FOUND this shit lying around somewhere
and is basically just faithfully copying it down
BULLSHIT
ANCIENT SCRIBES DID NOT CHRONICLE NEARLY THIS MUCH VOMIT AND DUMB
i mean actually they did
but still
I call bullshit

but anyway this is a story about the craziest motherfucker in the galaxy
his name is Don Quixote like I said
and his MO is to ride into situations on a shitty horse
and just injure as many people as he can before someone knocks his teeth out
HERE IS HOW HE GETS STARTED WITH THE DOING THAT:

basically he’s just this really rich dude
with nothing to do
and a huge library full of stories like these
so pretty quick his mind just does a shithouse swandive into the crazy dumpster
and he wakes up one day like OH SHIT I’M A KNIGHT ERRANT
WHY AM I ONLY REALIZING THIS NOW?
so he gets on a worthless fucking horse
named Rocinante
and he puts on some armor that has been in his family for generations
back when there were people in his family who could be trusted with sharp things
and he makes a new visor for his helmet out of like plywood
and OFF HE GOES

so the first thing he does
is he shows up at some inn
and he sees a couple of whores
and he is like oh look
what a lovely pair of princesses
hey princesses what is up
and they’re like oh shit looks like someone crashed the crazybus into the idiot boat
oh well it’s not every day a dude DOESN’T try and co-opt us for a loveless threesome
let’s feed him dinner
and then during dinner Don Quixote is like OH FUCK
I FORGOT TO GET KNIGHTED
and he runs over to the inkeeper like FUCKING KNIGHT ME ASSHOLE
and the inkeeper is like uh
you got any money?
and Don Quixote is like NOPE
and the inkeeper is like fuck dude
try having some fucking money sometimes
and Don Quixote is like CAN’T
TOO BUSY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR CUSTOMERS
IN THE NAME OF THIS PEASANT CHICK I KIND OF HALF MADE UP

oh yeah
i forgot to tell you
right at the outset Don Quixote decides he has to have some dame to worship
and to send all his defeated enemies to and whatnot
so he picks a farmer chick he had a crush on like way back in the day
and he changes her name to Dulcinea
not sure what her name was originally
probably something like Dumple or Frank
but NO TIME FOR ANY MORE EXPOSITION DON QUIXOTE IS FIGHTING NOW

so the inkeeper gets so freaked by the violence
that he is like whoa whoa dude
come over here stop murdering let me knight you right quick
it requires an elaborate ritual that involves you not killing my customers
ok now get the fuck out of here
and Don Quixote gets the fuck out of there

and he starts going home to try and get some money and shit
and on the way he sees some kid getting whipped by some dude
who is his boss
and is like hey dude stop beating that kid
and the boss is like I SWEAR I WILL STOP ON MY HONOR AS A KNIGHT
and Don Quixote is like sounds good
but JOKE’S ON HIM
THAT DUDE WASN’T A KNIGHT
actually joke’s on the kid
he gets whipped hardcore

then Don Quixote tries to attack some merchants for basically no reason
falls off his horse
gets the shit kicked out of him
and one of his servants finds him a few days later and brings him home
RESOUNDING SUCCESS

so now Don Quixote is back home
passed the fuck out in his room
meanwhile his friends the barber and the priest show up
and start raiding his library
with the help of his niece
who just wants to burn everything
and actually everyone kind of wants to burn at least SOME books
to prevent Don Quixote from executing a 2x lunacy combo
except the priest is kind of a huge nerd
so he keeps seeing books and being like OOP GOTTA KEEP THIS
but eventually they settle on a huge pile of books to burn
and then they wall up the entrance to the library
and then when Don Quixote wakes up they are like OH FUCK A SORCERER DID IT

GUYS
IF YOU ARE TRYING TO KEEP HIM FROM RUNNING AROUND PRETENDING TO BE A KNIGHT
DON’T TELL HIM A WIZARD KILLED HIS BOOKS
HE IS PROBABLY GOING TO GO LOOKING FOR THE WIZARD
and yes
predictably that is exactly what the man does

except this time he is not content to just go alone
no
he needs someone to pick him up when he inevitably faceplants in the dirt
so he gets this poor farmer dude Sancho Panza
who is pretty much just a bulging sack of greed
held together with a little bit of cunning and a WHOLE LOT OF STUPID
and he is like hey Sancho
howsabout you leave your wife to come have crazytime with me
and eventually I will hook you up with a sweet island
and Sancho Panza is like WHERE DO I SIGN
and Don Quixote is like NO TIME FOR THAT I HAVE TO KILL THESE GIANTS
and Sancho Panza is like NO YOU IDIOT THOSE ARE WINDMILLS
and Don Quixote is like THEY WERE GIANTS A FEW MINUTES AGO
I TOTALLY SAW THEM
CLEARLY A WIZARD WAS INVOLVED
NOW I AM INJURED BUT WHATEVER IT’S COOL
then they sleep outside because they’re lost/morons

actually when i say they sleep
i mean Sancho sleeps
Don Quixote doesn’t sleep
or put food and water in his mouth
basically he is a robot that eats sanity and shits violence
but less cool than that sounds
anyway at least one of them goes to sleep

and the rest is going to have to wait til Saturday
because this book is fucking LONG
like it is a sextuple-decker failure sandwich with all the trimmings
and my jaw is only so wide my friends
ONLY SO WIDE

demonstrably NOT the end.

RedditStumbleUponShare

5 thoughts on “Don Quixote Stupids His Way To Success (Part 1)

  1. I might have to get a new cat (once the 30-day mourning period for my recently deceased cat has passed) just specifically for the purpose of naming it Dumple.

    Also "someone crashed the crazybus into the idiot boat" gets my vote for next slogan on a T-shirt.

  2. Pingback: ORLANDO FURIOSO Barely Shows Up in His Own First Chapter | Myths RETOLD

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>