LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
allow me to take you back
back to a time when princes roamed the earth
and shit didn’t have to make sense.
A lot of stories took place during this time
but this one is one of the dumbest
okay, let’s go:
so this chick has two sisters and a rich dad
they’re not very close though
in fact, they’re pretty estranged
that no one remembers this chick’s name
and instead they just call her by her sole distinguishing trait
it’s not like Hotness is just two rad tits in a ladyskin, though
she’s got smart brains, too
and also like
a personality and shit
her sisters are not so lucky
they are ugly and everyone calls them the Bitch Twins
so naturally the Bitch Twins hate Hotness with a vengance
but she doesn’t hate anyone
cause it’s hard to hate when you’ve got such a nice rack.
but oh shit
looks like the rich dad just got a lot less rich
so now they’re living out in the country being all poor and shit
but then it’s okay because a ship full of Dad’s valuable goods is coming in
and he’s like “Alright daughters, I’m gonna go pick that stuff up
want me to buy you anything while I’m out?”
and the Bitch Twins are like “YES
and Hotness is like “Uh … a pretty flower?”
because it is hard to desire material riches when you have such a nice rack.
so Dad goes out to pick up his riches
but then he gets involved in a lawsuit
for running over a pedestrian on his way home
and all the goods have to go to pay for legal fees
and then he gets lost in the forest
and as we know
anyone who gets lost in a forest automatically ends up SOMEPLACE MAGIC
so Dad rolls up on this sweet sweet castle
and he goes inside and there’s a megafat feast laid out
and nobody in sight
and he’s like “Uh hello?
Scary castle ghosts?
Please remain silent to indicate that I should eat all your food.”
then he eats all the food
drinks all the booze
and passes out in the first bed he sees
then he gets eaten by scary castle ghosts.
I did that thing again where I write what I wanted to happen
instead of what actually happened
what actually happens is that Dad wakes up with a brand new pimp suit
and a mug of hot chocolate absolutely free
and he is like “Gee, thanks scary castle ghosts!”
and he walks out into the garden to leave
and sees some pretty roses
and he’s like “Oh yeah
my sexy daughter totally asked for one of these
and they’re totally free anyway
and THIS IS WHEN PROBLEMS START HAPPENING
cause all of a sudden this huge angry yeti busts into the garden
like NOOOO THOSE ARE MINE
NOW I WILL EAT YOU
and the dad is like NO DON’T KILL ME
THINK OF MY HOT DAUGHTERS
and the yeti is like HOT DAUGHTERS YOU SAY?
I WILL GLADLY ACCEPT A HOT DAUGHTER IN EXCHANGE FOR NOT KILLING YOU
and the Dad is like YES
I KNEW there was a reason I had daughters
and then he gets to fill a sack with riches and go home to say goodbye to his family
(in the original version he’s kind of sad about this actually
but fuck that
who needs daughters when you have your daughters’ weight in gold?)
so Dad gets home and he’s like Welp
I hope this rose was worth it, Hotness
cause now you get to be enslaved to a Yeti forever
and Hotness is like Aw dang
but she’s like pathologically obedient so she just deals with it
because it’s hard to think for yourself when you have such a nice rack
CUT TO INSIDE CASTLE VON YETI
There’s another sweet feast laid out
and Hotness and her dad eat it
and then the yeti shows up in a suit
all like “Okay dad, time to leave your daughter alone with a yeti”
and that’s what happens
except it turns out not to be so bad
there isn’t even any rape or anything
Hotness gets a totally legit library
and a magic mirror for spying on her sisters
and basically any other shit she can think of
and all she has to do in return
is repeatedly turn down the yeti’s marriage proposals
seriously, every night this loser shows up to dinner
like “hey Hotness
where are your standards at today?
and Hotness is like “Ooh… still pretty high actually.
and he’s like “SIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHH.
It’s cool, it’s cool.
Same time tomorrow?”
and she’s like “I want CAVIAR.”
So this goes on for three months
and Hotness comes to think of the yeti as a pretty nice guy
(nice here being a code-word for “rich and magical”)
but she still kinda misses her dad
so she asks to be teleported back to her house for a week
so she can escape Creepy McUgg-Uggs and his castle
I MEAN … so she can reunite with her beloved family that sold her out to yetis
and the Yeti is like “okay that’s fine
but you better come back after a week.
just put your ring on your bedside table after that and you’ll wake up here
thanks to my nigh-omnipotent army of fairy spies and flying helper monkeys”
and Hotness is like “Yeah okay whatever”
so she goes home and everyone is super jazzed
or at least pretending to be jazzed
cause see, her sisters are totally pissed that Hotness gets to live in a castle
because they have succeeded in marrying the two worst dudes possible
(one is Narcissus, and the other one is Oscar Wilde)
and they figure that if they’re real nice to Hotness
then she’ll stay longer than week
thus breaking her promise and leading to some yeti-induced dismemberment
and it totally works
except that then on the 10th night
Hotness goes to sleep and dreams that the yeti is dying in his garden
and she wakes up like SHIT
and she puts her ring on the bedside table and wakes up in the castle
but where the fuck is the yeti?
DEAD IN THE GARDEN, THAT’S WHERE
so she runs to the garden and dumps water on his head
to bring him back to life because it’s magic water or whatever
and she’s like What the fuck happened
and he’s like Oh hey
I was so bummed that you left me that I decided to starve myself to death
MAJOR RELATIONSHIP RED FLAG
IF HOTNESS WAS WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT TO MARRY THIS GUY
THIS SHOULD DEFINITELY REMOVE ANY DOUBT FROM HER MIND
and it DOES!
because you know what they say?
they say her standards dropped 100% that day!
and she’s all “Yes, you emo mountain goblin!
Yes I’ll marry you!
Because I love you!
And also because I have been emotionally blackmailed into doing this!
Also, you’re rich!”
(Somehow I feel like Beauty and the Beast is the 1760s’ answer to Twilight)
and no sooner do these words leave her mouth
when a bunch of fireworks start going off everywhere
and then the yeti
turns into a SMOKIN’ HOT DUDE!
and he’s like CONGRATULATIONS, HOTNESS
YOU HAVE PROVED THAT TRUE LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER WORLDLY TRIFLES SUCH AS BEAUTY
YOUR REWARD IS A HOT GUY
ALSO WORLDLY RICHES
and then this fairy shows up and turns the Bitch Twins into statues
specifically statues that will remain conscious of their hellish torment forever
which is sort of redundant because they were already married.
So the moral of the story
is that if you really love someone
win them over with your magic and riches
and if that fails