In Which The Color Of This Dude’s Beard Is Not Actually Very Important

Yes guys it is after midnight
but guess what
I party HARD
so it’s still thursday in Ovidland
welcome to my world bitches
it is only slightly different from the world you are used to

anyway I owe today’s myth to the deft suggestion of swashbucking demolitions expert
CARLOS Q EXPLOSIONS
(the Q is for QUEXPLOSIONS)
it is about proper hair care

So Bluebeard right?

Turns out this dude is not a pirate at all
he’s just a really ugly dude
who thinks he’s punk rock just cause he put some dye in his beard
what’s more
this guy SUCKS at being married
he’s gone through seven wives like rolls of 1-ply toilet paper
by which i mean they all died
for no reason anyone can fathom
smallpox or hockey lung or the kissing virus or something
and now he’s coming up on number 8
but see here’s the problem:
he’s real ugly
we already covered this
but bluebeard has developed a foolproof strategy for picking up chicks
it is called being wealthy
so what he does is he just picks some chicks he’s into
and invites them to a crazy week-long coke party at his beach house
and at the end of that week he can just marry whoever the fuck he wants

SO HE DOES
he marries this one chick
and her sister gets to come live in the palace too
it’s awesome
and what makes it even more awesome
is after like a week of honeymooning
bluebeard is just like hey baby I’m going out of town for a while on business
here are all the keys to every room in my house
also my money vault and my gold hovercraft
have a party
have a thousand parties
but WHATEVER YOU DO
don’t use this key right here
see the one I’m pointing at?
this one
this one right here
don’t use it to unlock the closet on the second floor in the ballroom
the one with the do not open sign and the picture of the angry skull and crossbones
got it?
great
so I’m just going to leave all those keys with you now
and nothing bad will happen at all
toodles

so he leaves
and his wife indeed throws all the parties
she is chucking shindigs harder than a coke-addicted discus thrower
she is hurling hootenanies out of the goddamn windows so hard they shatter
and the razor sharp soiree shards cause the guests countless lacerations
but it’s okay
because they are pretty much just bleeding pure alcohol at that point anyway
but the whole time that these parties are going down
this chick can’t stop thinking about that fucking shitty door
and finally she’s just like ok whatever
I’m pretty fucked up right now and I can’t be held responsible for what i do
and I mean
he GAVE me the fucking key
what the hell did he think was going to happen
so she opens up the door and goes inside and OH FUCK WHAT IS THIS
i’ll tell you what it is
it is all of bluebeard’s DEAD EX-WIVES
HE MURDERED THEM AND PUT THEM IN A CLOSET
AND KEPT THEM THERE FOR YEARS PROBABLY
THEY MUST BE GETTING PRETTY RIPE BY NOW
NOT THAT IT MATTERS
BECAUSE REALLY THE MAIN PROBLEM IS JUST THAT HE HAS A CLOSET FULL OF MURDER
I DON’T CARE HOW MINTY FRESH YOUR MURDERCLOSET SMELLS
IT IS STILL A GODDAMN MURDERCLOSET
THESE ARE WORDS TO LIVE BY

so obviously this chick just flips the fuck out
and in true horror movie fashion
she proceeds to drop the whole ring of keys and get it all covered in blood
and then she picks it up and GUESS WHAT
IT TURNS OUT THE KEY TO THIS ROOM WAS ENCHANTED
SO THAT BLOOD WILL NEVER WASH OUT OF IT
and let me just say
that that is a TERRIBLE enchantment to put on the key to your bloodroom
but in this case it turns out to be pretty shrewd
because when Bluebeard gets home like a day later
he’s like WOMAN
WHY IS THERE BLOOD ON MY KEY
DID YOU GO INTO THE BLOOD ROOM
I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO INTO THE BLOOD ROOM
NOW I HAVE TO PUT YOU IN THE BLOOD ROOM AGAIN
ONLY THIS TIME
WITH MORE BLOOD
and she’s like no wait
you can totally kill me for real
but just give me like 10 minutes of not dying
trust me it totally won’t backfire at all
and Bluebeard is like well alright
(PS I just mistyped Bluebeard as Bluebear and I think it is much better that way)

so she runs upstairs and finds her sister
and she’s like hey sister
yo sister
and her sister is like yeah?
and she’s like look out the window for me real quick
tell me if our bros are coming
I totally sent them an email yesterday about how my husband is gonna kill me
but I didn’t get a response so I dunno what’s up
and her sister is like nope
all I see is some grass
and some dust
and some OH WAIT
no, sorry, just some sheep
and then instead of coming up with some other plan for not dying
the lazy twank just keeps sitting there asking her sister about the window
until finally bluebeard is like ALRIGHT HONEY
TIME TO DIE
and she’s like NO NO GIMME LIKE 5 MORE SECONDS
and Bluebeard is like LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING WOMAN
MURDER DOES NOT HAVE A SNOOZE ALARM
and he’s totally about to stab her face off
when all of a sudden her two radical bros bust down the door
they are a dragoon and like a space wizard or something
and they kill the hell out of bluebeard
and then his wife inherits all his stuff and uses it to buy a diamond horse
and also a husband for her sister and some sweet new wizard boots for her bros
so everyone is happy except for bluebeard
who is dead
but honestly I don’t think that dude was ever happy

So the moral of the story
is that marrying dangerous psychopaths
is a great way to get rich quick

the end.

RedditStumbleUponShare

5 thoughts on “In Which The Color Of This Dude’s Beard Is Not Actually Very Important

  1. My murdercloset smells like nag champah, it keeps the vengeful spirits of the dead pacified.

    I think another possible moral is that people who dye thier facial hair are obviously murderers and should not be trusted.

  2. No, the moral of the story is that psychotic, controlling asshole spouses will set you up to fuck up, because that's what they want – an excuse to murder you. What I'm saying is, Bluebeard, Al Anon can set you free from your controlling codependency. Or it could, if you weren't dead. The other moral is Controlling Monsters Shouldn't Marry Bitches With Badass Brothers.

  3. Pingback: Imerasuguk is a Hungry Man | Myths RETOLD

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>