Killing Hunchbacks is Totally Fine

So this whole time
while I’ve been telling you other stuff
and getting drunk and riding bikes and shit
this Scheherezade chick has NOT STOPPED TELLING STORIES
FOR REAL
Think of how many stories you would tell
if telling stories night after night was your only shot at survival
and then SEXTUPLE that number
because every character in every story Scheherezade tells
shares her pathological fixation on telling fucking stories
for real
it’s stories all the way down
more stories than two Shanghai Towers with a Burj Khalifa up their butt
what i am trying to convey to you with these words
is that this bitch tells her some TALES

But even Scheherezade gets tired of telling stories sometimes
actually especially her, because instead of sleeping she TELLS STORIES
so she asked me to fill in for her this week
and I cannot say no to a beautiful woman.
it is a problem.

SO THERE’S THIS HUNCHBACK
he is so drunk his blood is like 200% alcohol by volume
he is wandering around the street
banging his tambourine
being aggressively useless
because if there is one thing that sucks
it’s hunchbacks
(sorry hunchbacks, I have inherited Scheherezade’s somewhat insensitive attitude towards you
she is a clever lady
but she is not super enlightened
she is from the past)

Anyway this crook-spined bastard is making a racket outside this tailor’s shop
and the tailor is like oh boy
time to fuck with some hunchbacks
HEY BUDDY
WANNA COME OVER FOR FREE FOOD?
and the hunchback is like BLRUGHGHARHGH
I MEAN YES
THOSE PREVIOUS NOISES WERE JUST ME PURGING MY STOMACH
IN PREPARATION FOR RECEIVING YOUR FREE FOOD

so they have dinner
the tailor’s wife makes fish
but instead of observing traditional table etiquette
they stuff all the fish in the hunchback’s mouth
and then hold his mouth shut until he chokes to death
allegedly it was not their intention to make him die
but i’m not sure what else they were expecting to happen
either way he dies
and they’re like shit shit shit shit what do we do?
oh yeah
let’s frame a jewish guy

so they drag the body to this doctor’s office they know
and they tell his servant to go get the doctor because their friend is sick
and then they hide the body at the top of the doctor’s stairs and run away
the doctor comes SPRINTING out of his room
and kicks the carcass down the stairs
and then he’s like OH DANG
I JUST KICKED THAT DUDE DOWN THE STAIRS
THAT IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF PROPER DOCTORING
ONLY ONE THING TO DO:
FRAME A MUSLIM DUDE

so he and his wife drag the body onto the roof of the sultan’s secretary
and use a complex system of ropes and pulleys
to dangle their improvised corpse-puppet down inside the dude’s storeroom
which they happen to know has been getting pillaged by rats
and then the secretary comes home
goes into the storeroom
and is like AW HELL NO
I THOUGHT RATS WERE EATING MY FOOD
BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY A DEAD HUNCHBACK
ALLOW ME TO BEAT YOU WITH STICKS
OH SHIT YOU’RE DEAD
WHAT HAVE I DONE

TIME TO FRAME A CHRISTIAN DUDE

So he drags the body into the street and leaves it leaning against a wall
just outside this Christian dude’s house
and the next morning, the dude wakes up
hung over as hell
but it’s a Muslim holy day
so he doesn’t want anybody to see him hung over
and sentence him to death for it
(that’s a high-stakes hangover)
but he’s still a little fucked up from the night before
so he runs into the body
and the body falls on him
and he punches it in the face
and it falls over
and at first he’s like SHIT YEAH I’M A KUNG FU MASTER
but then he’s like OH NO THE POLICE
and the police are like OH YEAHHHHH

so they arrest him and take him to be executed
but right as they’re about to lop off his head
the sultan’s secretary runs up like NO NO NO KILL ME
I’M THE ONE WHO BEAT THE HUNCHBACK TO DEATH
and the executioner is like pfft, okay
but right as they’re about to lop off HIS head
the doctor runs up like NO NO NO KILL MEEEEEEEEE
I KICKED THAT DUDE DOWN SOME STAIRS
and the executioner is like sure whatever
as long as I get to kill somebody
BUT RIGHT AS THEY’RE ABOUT TO LOP OFF HIS HEAD
the tailor is suddenly overcome by guilt
and he runs up like GUYS GUYS GUYS
IF ANYBODY IS GOING TO BE KILLED
(and I sincerely hope nobody is going to be killed)
IT SHOULD TOTALLY BE ME
I “ACCIDENTALLY” FORCE-FED THIS GUY FISH UNTIL HE DIED
and the executioner is like well
as luck would have it
the punishment for that is also death

so the tailor is about to get killed
but it turns out the hunchback was the jester of some sultan
an that sultan suddenly gets curious what happened to his jester
and he finds out about this execution fiasco
and he’s like OMG LOL
THIS IS WAY FUNNIER THAN MY JESTER EVER WAS
BRING EVERYBODY TO MY HOUSE
WE GON PARTY
IT’S GONNA BE CRAY

so everyone goes over to the sultan’s house
dragging the body
and they all tell their stories again
plus the tailor tells a really long story about a barber
who happens to be in the neighborhood
so they bring the barber in
and the barber uses eldritch sorcery
(AKA the heimlich maneuver)
to bring the hunchback back to life
even though he’s been dead for a day and a half
because science!

so the moral of the story
is that killing people is okay
as long as it’s hilarious

the end

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3 thoughts on “Killing Hunchbacks is Totally Fine

  1. This was ridiculously more entertaining than the original while being totally acurate, it’s becoming a problem. 😀

  2. That was funny as hell! Although at first I thought this story was actually about the Hunchback of Notre Dame 😀 But it turned out to be even a more glorious story!
    Thanks for, yet again, making my day!

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