Kali gets jiggy with it

So it has come to my attention
that one of the few mythoses
which i have not stuck my grubby appendages into
is the pantheon
of India
watch as I rectify that
HARD

so kali right

she is this badass trick alright
she is a chick
who wears a necklace of HUMAN HEADS
has four arms
with which to hold swords
and is the goddess of like
annihilation
and TIME ITSELF

but then
there is this other chick
Durga
who has TEN ARMS
and rides on LIONS
and is INVINCIBLE
and is always carrying like
weapons AND flowers
well ok i guess the flowers dont help much
but anyway
at the beginning of this myth
Durga is trying to kill the shit out of this demon
Raktabija
and raktabija is having none of it
actually he is having less than none of it
because every time durga cuts him
his blood goes flying everywhere
and turns into MORE OF HIM
so the only way to win in this situation
is NOT TO PLAY
and in fact really actually
even that wouldn’t work
because then raktabija would kill you
so Durga gets fed up with this bullshit
and she is like HEY KALI
and Kali comes shooting out of Durga’s forehead
all like WHAT
WHAT DO YOU NEED
ARE THERE THINGS FOR ME TO MURDER
and durga is like shit yes there are
how about these billion demons i just created
and kali is like THAT WILL DO NICELY

so then kali just drinks ALL of raktabija’s blood
like SLURP SLURP MCSLURP BITCHES
and then she hangs some of them i guess cause she has a bunch of nooses
on top of all the swords she also has
and then she puts all the duplicates into her mouth
just sort of places them there
and then murders them all
and spits them all back out all the fuck over everywhere

so then she’s standing in a field of dead bodies
and there is nothing kali likes more
than standing in a field
of dead bodies
so she is like DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THE DANCE FEVER COMING ON
OK MAYBE IT IS JUST ME
and she starts boogieing the FUCK out
PS how come spell check thinks boogieing is a word
i am pleasantly surprised

anyway kali is a motherfucking disco inferno all over these corpses
stomping their fucking teeth out all over the place
and one of the bodies
for some reason
is Kali’s husband shiva
dunno what the fuck he was doing there
wearing a demon constume?
was this some kind of like
demon convention
where he was cosplaying?
i don’t fucking know
all i know is shiva seems like kind of a loser
because in all the pictures of him i can find
kali is either standing on his back
or standing on his face
and this is in fact exactly what starts happening now
and shiva is like OW WIFE FUCK OW WHAT
and kali is like oh shit i’m sorry
and she stops dancing
and i guess the rest of the dead bodies are saved

so the moral of the story is
do not get married
because your husband
might end up being one of the dead bodies you are trampling
and his anguished cries
will totally buzzkill the party

the end

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4 thoughts on “Kali gets jiggy with it

  1. Oh man. I laughed so hard I almost pissed my pants.
    Maybe it's just me being weird with the Hindus or whatever, but I went to Nepal the other month to see how the Gods were being celebrated for being all mighty and shit, and this just made Shiva look like a pussy.

    Thanks for the constant entertainment and reason for procrastination.

  2. The reason that Shiva laid down and let Kali dance on him is because her victory dance was so hardcore that it was threatening to destroy the universe.

    Also the reason why you always see her with her tongue out is because when she realized she was curb stomping her husband she bit her own tongue in shame, which I guess is like Hindu goddess for “my bad”.

  3. Pingback: King Muchukunda Knows How To Get His Nap On | Myths RETOLD

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