Lady Isabels and the Elf Knights

Today’s myth was brought to my attention
By burlesque rapper MC Double-Ds
she actually wanted me to tell you this story
but apparently Wiki Translate is staffed by the same people who made this
so I am going to do the next best thing
and tell you about some chick named isabel and her penchant for bad dudes

so this Isabel broad right
she’s sitting up in a tower
because that is one of the two accepted pastimes for women in the middle ages
(the other one of course being getting beheaded)
and meanwhile there’s this elf knight sitting outside soloing on his horn
and Isabel is like dayum
that dude can sure swoggle that horn
i wonder what else he can swoggle
i wish he were up here in my room
so I could find out right now with my vagina

and it looks like someone forgot to tell this chick she was in a legend
cause she is totally shocked to find that her wish has just come true
here is this strapping elf dude all up in her room
like damn girl
can’t a dude lay down some beats around here without some chick wishing he was up in her room
seriously
these are hide times for an up-and-coming musician like myself
oh well
as long as I’m here we might as well elope
you down?
And Isabel is like well I dunno
i don’t feel like I’ve been really sufficiently wooed yet
and the elf is like BITCH I’MA WOO YOU

and true to form, he woos her HARD
according to one text, in addition to wooing her “in the ha”
he also “wood her butt”
which is just
great
i mean
I can’t improve on that
so obviously this elf knight is quite the zesty lover
and Isabel finds herself sufficiently wood
or wooed or whatever
and she steals a bunch of her dad’s money and runs away with this guy

so okay
so far this sounds like some pretty solid fanfic
hot elfin buttsex in a tower
followed by a romantic getaway on horses
you can practically hear the bodices gettin’ ripped
but hold on
what’s going on
it looks like they’re stopping at a lake
and the elf knight is asking isabel to get naked
okay, okay, good start
he’s asking her to get naked
SO HE CAN DROWN HER IN THE LAKE?
BECAUSE HE HAS ALREADY DONE THIS TO SEVEN OTHER WOMEN??
HOLY SHIT WHY DID THIS STORY GO FROM BLUEBALLS TO BLUEBEARD ALL OF A SUDDEN?

yeah
apparently this jackass is in the habit of making chicks take off their nice clothes
before he drowns them
because the clothes are too nice to be ruined by all that water
what does he do with the clothes, you ask?
does he sell them?
does he wear them?
probably both
he seems like a pretty strange dude

anyway there’s a big hole in this plan
and i’m not talking about any of the holes he already wooed
the hole is this:
you abduct a super hot chick
then you take her to a lake and make her get naked
and then you are expecting HER to do what YOU say?
no no no
see Isabel is smart
she is like Hey elf guy
now that I’m all naked and stuff
it would be a shame not to make use of all these ladybits i’ve got hanging out
DON’T YOU AGREE?
And oh boy does he agree
he agrees so hard he tires himself out pretty good
and then he settles down for a nap
and then she drowns him
because duh

but that is not the end
because see there’s like fifteen million versions of this story
with one important difference between them
remember how I said Ol’ Elfdick had drowned seven dames before this one?
well in some versions he’s only drowned six
and in some he’s drowned eight
you know what I think?
I think we’ve got a dread pirate roberts situation on our hands
where the lady who kills the old elf knight
tapes down her boobs and straps on a wood dong
and starts the whole cycle over again
this would explain why in some versions of the story
the lady is able to distract the knight by telling him he shouldn’t be seeing her naked
and then she drowns him when he’s looking the other way
and then she goes home to her family and bribes her parrot to keep quiet about the whole thing
and then tells her parents anyway
and they go bury the knight in the sand so that no one will ever know
actually wait
that doesn’t explain that at all
nothing explains that

so I guess the moral of the story
is that you can lead a ho to water
but you can’t make her sink

THE END.

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6 thoughts on “Lady Isabels and the Elf Knights

  1. The version I heard had the elf-dude make everybody except the princess fall asleep with a harp, then whisk the princess away to the lake on his horse and basically just tell her to wade in fully clothed. Then she asks him for a kiss before she dies, like Oh Mr. elf-dude, you’re so hot I don’t want to die without having kissed you! And when he leans down off his horse to kiss her she pulls him in and drowns him.

    I like your Dread-Pirate-Roberts interpretation! Also the moral. Pure win.

  2. This was great, but what happened to Silmarillion Wednesdays? They made Wednesday my favorite day of the week!

  3. Long ago, in the early 1980s, there was a BBC TV programme called The Song and the Story, with Isla St Clair as the female lead. They did the Lady Isobel story in Norman dress, with Isla having knee-length plaits. When they got to the stripping scene she told the knight that it was not fitting for a man to see her naked and asked him to turn his back, and he did, and she smiled horribly, took hold of one of her long plaits and strangled him with it. The version I know best has the lines “It’s six king’s daughters tha’s drowned here // And the seventh has drowned thee”, but there’s a braid Scots version which ends “Lie ye there, a husband tae them a’.”

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