Magdi is Strong

Someone told me about this myth
so now I will tell it to you
this is great, see
this is like you are all little children
sitting around my internet rocking chair
and you are all like TELL US A STORY UNCLE OVID
and I am like sure kids get me another beer
and then I inhale some cherry pipe tobacco
and exhale some dope myths
LIKE THIS

So Thor has a wife
remember her?
she’s the one who loki shaved as a joke
that’s about all I know about her
other than she has a pretty unfortunate name
it is Sif
this story is not about her
it is about some other chick named Jarnsaxa
who Thor made some sex with and then babies came out
Jarnsaxa is a giant
because none of the norse gods ever seem to hook up with other norse gods
come to think of it
most gods in most mythologies
only hook up with other gods on special occasions
like the beginning of the world or the trojan war or whatever
I think this must be
because they all secretly realize how unpleasant they all are

anyway Thor puts some babies in Jarnsaxa
and being that he is thor, god of thunder
the babies that he forces her to incubate are MODI AND MAGDI
for those of you who do not speak norse
that’s ANGRY AND STRONG
TWO GREAT TRAITS FOR A FEARSOME WARRIOR
TWO TERRIBLE TRAITS FOR A SCREAMING MEAT-BULLET YOU’RE TRYING TO BLAST OUT YOUR BABY CANNON
anyway Modi is a good young lad
and behaves himself and doesn’t end up in any stories until ragnarok
which he survives
I guess because ANGER IS FOREVER
Magdi, on the other hand, is a whole other story
or i guess he’s the story I was gonna tell you guys
cause ok check it out:

one day Thor is putting his hammer through things, like usual
and on this particular day the things he is putting his hammer through are giants
also like usual
today it is this giant named Hrungir
who’s weapon is a giant whetstone
which is a terrible weapon
because you’re just gonna make the other dude’s weapon more sharp
except thor’s weapon is a hammer and you don’t sharpen hammers
so I guess Thor is doing this shit the hard way
AS USUAL
anyway Hrungnir throws his whetstone at Thor
again, not a great weapon
it’s basically like a regular rock
except shittier because then thor hits it an it shatters
and pieces of it go right into the inside of Thor’s FACE
OW
I mean WHATEVER though
Thor doesn’t need his face
you don’t murder with your face
or at least, you murder much less effectively with your face than with hammers
so thor uses his hammer to murder Hrungir
by straight shattering his head
lotta shattering in this story
then Thjalfi just kinda nudged Hrungnir a little and he falls over
“with little glory”
which is ancient norse for
“Like a chump”

the shitty part is where he falls though
namely, on top of thor
now there is a big giant foot on Thor and he cannot lift it
because yes
there are certain things Thor cannot lift
so Thjalfi is like dude whatever
I can lift a giant foot
i just knocked him over with little glory
lemme just get a good grip on HRRRUNNGGHHHHHHH
but it’s no use
Thjalfi is some seriously weak shit
so he does calls up the Aesir like yo
you guys like being strong right
come be strong at this giant foot that is on top of thor
and the Aesir are like WE’LL BE RIGHT OVER

so the gods start showing up
like 100% of the gods
and they take turns tugging on these titanic toes
to no
fucking
avail
and to be clear
these are the kinds of dudes who can bench press Miami
bite the heads off statues and trap racecars between their taut buttcheeks
they are capital s-t-r-o-n-g MUSCULAR
but they are failing harder than I failed english the year i discovered what boobs were

finally
while all the gods are sitting around feeling sorry for themselves
this fucking baby shows up
yeah guys
a fucking baby
because i forgot to like line this up for you timewise
Modi and Magdi were born like THREE DAYS AGO
and it is Magdi who has just showed up to the feet party
he just sort of babystruts over to Thor
lightly lifts up that foot
and tosses it over way the fuck nowhere
and he’s like damn guys
I wish i’d gotten here earlier
but i was busy being born and stuff
maybe next time you plan on failing a whole bunch really rapidly
give me a call and I’ll come by and watch
anyway, peace
i gotta go poop myself and put my mouth on boobs
and Thor is like oh my gods
children are such a good investment
here Magdi, have Hrungnir’s golden horse
and Magdi is like awesome
I mean I’m a fucking baby, but it’s the thought that counts
and then he leaves and Odin is like THOR
THORRRRR
YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE HORSES TO FUCKING BABIES
YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM TO YOUR DAD
AND THAT DAD IS ME
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THOR
and Thor is like whatever dad you don’t own me

so the moral of the story
is that if you find a dude trapped under the rock
you need to make sure to steal his stuff BEFORE someone frees him
because otherwise he’s just going to give it to that dude
and then what do you have
REGRETS

THE END

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9 thoughts on “Magdi is Strong

  1. How can Thor not lift a giant’s leg? Some of them are only about his size! And even if it is huge, he is the guy who smashes mountains to dust whenever he gets pissed off. Maybe he was tired from all the face shattering he had going on, or maybe his arms were trapped or something. Also Magdi gets his fathers hammer after Ragnarok, but he has to share it with his brother. Not that theres much use for it since everything that wants to kill you is either dead, or living under Niflheim eating corpses.

    • Not forgetting of course that Thor very nearly lifts Jormungand and almost wrecks the world in the process. I’m assuming this giant must be made of dark matter.

  2. Well done, as usual uncle Ovid, but how could you leave out the most hilarious part of the myth?! When the wise woman is removing the whetstone shards from Thor’s face, and then just up and leaves halfway through when she gets excited about her husband coming home!

    • Dude, it doesn’t matter. It’s like saying Odin or Woden; both are technically correct, it’s just personal choice about spelling and pronunciation and stuff.

  3. I had such a hard time keeping a straight face, since I’m in the middle of class XD Your interpretations of these Norse myths do amuse me so~

  4. Psst, it wasn’t Hrungnir who Thjalfi knocked over, it was Mokkerkalfe, a 63-mile-tall (!!!) clay golem the giants built to act as Hrungnir’s second in the fight.

    Unfortunately, when he saw Thor arrive he just stood there and wet himself with fright (no, I don’t know if they gave him a urinary tract for some reason or if he just spontaneously *grew* one out of sheer terror) instead of doing anything helpful, and Thjalfi, as said, one-hit-killed him.

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