This is a little late, but whatever

So back in crazy old-times ireland
there was this dude named patrick
pat for short
saint patrick for long
Maewyn Succat if you want to get technical
actually he didn’t start out in ireland
he started out in scotland or britain or something
but then he got kidnapped by pirates
beat the SHIT out of them
and then had a dream that was like “Hey saint patrick
you should go to ireland
they need more christianity in ireland”

So he asks the pope if that’s cool, and the pope is like “yeah ok”
so he goes to ireland and he starts converting the fuck out of some pagans
he does this thing where he goes to towns that need converting
and he jams his staff into the ground while he preaches
so that he will have his hands free for FURIOUS GESTICULATION
one time it takes so long for him to convert all the pagan dudes in this one village
that his staff grows roots and turns into a tree
that is a long time
like pretty much an improbably long time

anyway, cut to a while later
Saint Patrick is sitting on a hill getting his pray on
when all of a sudden a bunch of SNAKES show up
they’re like HISSSS WE ARE SNAKES WE DO NOT LIKE CHRISTIANITY
YOU MAY RECALL THAT ONE OF US TOTALLY FUCKED UP PARADISE
and Saint Patrick is like OH I REMEMBER ALL RIGHT
FUCK OFF, SNAKES
and they do
they fuck off so hard that they fuck off into the ocean and drown
and that is why to this day
ireland is 100% snake free
(as a side note
saint patrick is not the only mythical dude who liked to beat the shit out of snakes)

but guys
here is where science steps in and ruins everything
because according to all the ecologists on wikipedia
BLUH BLUH BLUH
WE ARE ECOLOGISTS
SNAKES NEVER EXISTED IN IRELAND EVER BECAUSE OF SCIENCE SHIT
whatever, scientists
are you really going to ruin this for me?
WHY CAN YOU NOT LET ME IMAGINE A RAD DUDE WHO CAN TELL SNAKES TO PISS OFF?
WHAT AM I HARMING BY IMAGINING THIS TOTALLY SWEET AND LEGIT SCENARIO?
GOD.

Okay so
the moral of the story
is that science is only good for three things:
robots, time travel and explosions

the end.

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4 thoughts on “This is a little late, but whatever

  1. St. Patrick’s story: May not be scientifically accurate, but is at least a good excuse to party and drink lots of Guiness once a year! :-D

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