Melkor is Way Too Convincing

WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT
IT’S WEDNESDAY AGAIN ALREADY

in another time/place
wednesday would have been a day for thinking and talking about Odin
but the time is today
and the place is the motherfucking internet
so instead we will be discussing a best-selling fantasy kingdom
invented by a professional pothead
HOW AM I DOING TOLKIEN ARE YOU ROLLING IN YOUR GRAVE YET?
LET ME KNOW OK I’M ON TWITTER

so all the elves are chilling in Valinor
I told you about this already
I think I also told you about the big cheese in elf-land
the one named Finwe
but I definitely didn’t tell you about his son
so here goes:

Finwe is married to this chick Miriel
Miriel is awesome
she has this magical power
where she can get pregnant
(no that’s not the magical power guys
i’m not finished with my sentence yet
i know I don’t use a lot of punctuation
and i know childbirth is magical like friendship and the moon and shit
but Miriel is legit magical
like for real
and I don’t want you bringing this story down with your fucking assumptions
oh shit this parenthetical kinda got away from me lemme start over)
basically what Miriel does is she gets pregnant
and then she takes all the womb-power you would normally use for three kids
and she uses it all on ONE KID
and what’s even more amazing
is that the kid that comes hurtling out of her stomach cavity doesn’t even have like
three heads or eighteen thumbs or some nonsense
he’s just a normal dude
(i mean elf)
who is as badass as THREE DUDES
(elves)
His name is Curufinwe
but that is too much even for Tolkein
so he gets renamed to Feanor pretty quick

Feanor is probably the most awesome dude we’ve met so far
he pretty much spends all his time
either exploring the countryside from coast to coast or inventing telescopes
which basically makes him like a combination of Lewis and Clark plus Galileo
NONE OF WHOM WERE VERY GOOD HUSBANDS AS FAR AS I KNOW
which is why when Feanor gets married
to the unfortunately named Nerdanel
it takes all of fifteen minutes for her to get sick of his wild ways
and for them to become estranged
actually I exaggerated
it probably takes more than 15 minutes
it takes however long it takes to have seven kids
because that’s how many kids they have
so I guess they get along okay
but basically the problem is that Nerdanel is really chill
and Feanor is about as chill as a bottle of beer at the center of the sun
he’s hot-headed, basically
and that is why he has a DARK FATE

but we’ll talk about feanor’s dark fate later
right now let’s talk about the dark fate OF THE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD
aka Melkor
remember how I said Melkor came up for parole in three ages?
Well no one remembers how long an age is, but they figure it’s been long enough
so they drag him out of the pit of despair and they’re like hey
give us one good reason not to put you back in the pit of despair
and he’s like BECAUSE I’M TOTALLY A GOOD GUY NOW
and Manwe is like OH MY
HOW TRUSTWORTHY YOU HAVE BECOME IN YOUR CAPTIVITY
HERE, HAVE FREEDOM
so the Valar put Melkor under house arrest basically
and he behaves himself SO WELL
giving everyone presents and relationship advice and shit
that they finally decide to release him completely

of course he’s still an asshole
we’ve been hearing about what a perpetual asshole he is for like a hundred pages now
but they’ve got to release him you see
because otherwise there would not be a book

what does this have to do with Feanor, you ask?
Well, not much honestly
mainly they’re just in the same chapter
but one thing that is important
is that later on
when all the bad stuff happens that I’m going to tell you about later
Melkor is like “Guys, I totally taught Feanor all his cool shit
he totally ripped off all my cool ideas”
but everyone knows he’s full of shit
because out of everyone who hates Melkor
Feanor is the hateiest
and like I kinda already said
and like you will see later on
he is a dude who is good at hate

so I guess the moral of the story
is that you need to not release pyromaniacal sociopaths
based solely on their own testimony
because pyromaniacs are very convincing people, my friends
convincing, handsome people
hey does anyone have a house they’re not really using?
no reason.

The end.

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4 thoughts on “Melkor is Way Too Convincing

  1. Dude. These are awesome. You need to tag all 6 with “silmarillion”, though, so they can be found in the smorgasbord (there’s only two there right now)!

  2. I think I’m going to start using the term “hateiest” from now on.
    And oh shit, speaking of “pyromaniacal sociopaths”, I think we all think what’s going down next time.

  3. Wonderful tale! I’ve not been keeping up lately because I’ve been busy, but I’m glad to see you’re as wonderful as you’ve ever been at retelling myths.

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