The Elves Are Not Masters of Logistics

SO WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR HEROES
(and by heroes I mean elves
who are like the least heroic type of fantasy humanoid
seriously I’m trying to think of ONE TIME
when elves are something other than supporting characters
in someone else’s rad adventure)
they all got invited to a party in orgyland
and they were repeatedly fucking up trying to get there
dudes were all wandering off
or getting lost
getting eaten by wolves
or just saying “fuck it” cause of too many mountains
but eventually they get to Valinor!

…I mean some of them do
Like I said there’s basically three kinds of elves
the high elves make it to Valinor just fine
and so do the deep elves
but the swimmy elves…
well…

okay so there’s this guy Elwe
he’s the king of the Teleri, aka the swimmy elves
and all the elves (high, deep, swimmy) are chilling on the beach
waiting for Ulmo to haul over a gigantic island
to use as a boat
to cruise to Valinor
so there’s some time to kill, obviously
and Elwe is fucking slaughtering it
by wandering around in the nearby forest

this is fine
this is what elves are supposed to do

here’s where shit goes south, though
(or rather, where shit fails to go north)
because Elwe is wandering the woods one day
when he runs across
a b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BABE
I am not talking about a babe: pig in the city type of babe
or a from-the-mouths-of-babes type of babe
(although she does have a pretty mouth)
this is a ten point
double-d
triple-a
36-24-36
HOT-TAY
she has all the best numbers you can have as a woman is what I’m saying
and not only that
but this babe in the woods has her some PIPES
she is singing so good
Elwe isn’t sure for a second whether he should start making out with her
because then she might have to stop singing
but then he figures she can probably just hum
and that’s good enough

so they start mackin’
and they DO NOT STOP
they continue macking FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR
meanwhile Ulmo shows up at the beach with that island cruise boat
and everybody gets on
except the swimmy elves
cause they kinda don’t know where their king is
so they don’t want to leave without him
he hasn’t called or emailed or anything
he’s being a really terrible king if you think about it
but the High elves and the Deep elves really can’t wait to get to orgyland
so they leave on the island boat and the swimmy elves stay behind
and a couple months later Elwe walks out of the woods
flanked by this smokin’ goddess Melian and afterglowing like crazy
and everyone is like DUDE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
and he’s like
BALLIN’
and they totally understand

which is great, but now they’re stuck on the beach
it’s not that bad though, cause it’s a beach
and this dude Osse shows up and teaches them all kinds of cool shit
and in fact when Ulmo finally comes back with the island boat
they kinda don’t want to leave
and some of them stay behind
and the rest of them end up anchoring the island boat way off the coast of Valinor
so they can keep chilling with Osse, who is apparently tight
but eventually they miss their bros and move to Valinor
just in time for the Deep elves to get bored of Valinor
and go back to middle earth

so the moral of the story
is if you are moving your entire race all the way across the known world
invest in some fucking cell phones

THE END.

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6 thoughts on “The Elves Are Not Masters of Logistics

  1. The elves actually learned that lesson. Isn’t that what the palantir are for? Peepin’ on some missing king sexy-times?

    It would explain Pippin’s addiction. He felt phantom vibrations in his pocket and had to keep checking his palantir in case he got an important text.

  2. I’m kind of really glad that you’re doing the Silmarillion. Mostly because I’ve never actually succeeded in reading it all the way through. I now the main parts, because my roommate has read it like three times and she’s told me the jist of it, but I like your version better.

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