I’ve put this one off long enough.
Okay, so I figure you probably already know a little about Scheherazade
the badass chick who eludes decapitation for a thousand nights straight
by being TOO ENTERTAINING TO KILL
I’ll get to that part in a minute.
Right now, lemme tell you about why there is a dude randomly killing his wives in the first place.
Okay so back in the back in the day
there was this great job you could get
which is a really posh-sounding way of saying “big-times king dude”
and these guys had all the hookups
they had so many hookups
that they had to invent strict militaristic protocols
JUST FOR INVITING EACH OTHER TO PARTIES.
Our story begins with just such an invitation
So King Shahryar
who is such a king that he has Shah AND King RIGHT IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME
gets a hankering for a party
so he sends an invite to his bro Shah Zaman
you should bring about a million white slaves”
(he specifies that the slaves have to be white for some reason
probably because he has so many hookups
that he can even afford to color coordinate his slaves
and black slaves just wouldn’t have matched the drapes he had up.
PS: the word for white slave is Mameluke
which I cannot read without thinking Marmeduke
so I am just imagining these massive battalions of dopey great danes
stealing hamburgers and comically injuring their owners.
uh where was I
King Shahryar was writing a letter
BRING DEM BITCHES OVER HERE WE GON HAVE A GOOD OL FASHIONED MIDDLE-EASTERN HOOTENANY”
so naturally his bro comes running
but it is hard to run amidst about a million dopey great danes
and anyway he forgot his wallet at home
so he runs back inside to grab it and OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
he has been gone like TEN MINUTES and his wife is ALREADY BONING SOME DUDE
and to make matters worse
(given that this is a society of dudes who obsessively color-coordinate their slaves)
the dude his wife is boning is BLACK
and he works as a COOK
and Shah Zaman is like WHAT THE FUCK, WIFE
I PICKED OUT THOSE SHEETS TO COMPLIMENT MY SKIN TONE
THIS IS A FASHION DISASTER
and then he chops both of them in half
and walks back outside like nothing is happening
because he does not want to buzzkill the party
but he’s a major buzzkill anyway
because by the time he arrives at Shahryar’s place he is SICK WITH GRIEF
and he doesn’t want to do anything
he doesn’t want to have fat feasts
he does not want to go out hunting
what he wants to do is sit in his tent and pine his ass off
so finally his bro is like “fuck it, man
I’m going hunting.
you can sad yourself to death in your room or whatever”
so Shah Zaman is alone in the castle
and he goes wandering around
and he happens to catch a glimpse of Shahryar’s wife going into the pleasure garden
which is the kind of garden you have if you are a Shah
and he’s like whoah, my brother’s wife is pretty hot
let’s watch secretly to see if she takes off her top
AND SHE DOES
along with TEN OF HER SUPER HOT LADIES IN WAITING
and TEN MARMADUKES
and then she claps her hands
and this crazy looking black dude jumps out of a tree and sexes her ALL DAY LONG
and Shah Zaman is like whoah
I am totally cheered up now
number one, that was totally hot
and number 2,
my brother is getting fucked over WAY MORE than I got fucked over.
So when Shahryar gets home he’s like whoah
who turned off the sadknob all of a sudden
did somebody turn your sad-knob?
your penis, I mean?
like did somebody touch your penis?
was it my wife?
DID YOU FUCK MY WIFE?
and Shah Zaman is like no dude, even better
I watched like twelve dogs and a crazy black dude fuck your wife
and Shahryar is like THIS IS TERRIBLE
and Shah Zaman is like well yeah sorta
but it totally helped me get over dismembering my own wife for doing a similar thing
and Shahryar is like well it looks like it all worked out in the end
NOTHING IS ALRIGHT IN THE END
BECAUSE THE END I QUESTION IS MY WIFE’S END
AND EVERYTHING IS IN IT
AND NOTHING IS ALRIGHT ABOUT THAT
and Shah Zaman is like bro chill out
you know what you need?
let’s go to the beach.
So they go to the beach
and they’re chilling out trying to forget about their terrible wives
when all of a sudden SHAZAAM
a genie busts out of the water
(this kinda shit is always happening in Arabia
place is lousy with genies)
anyway, both kings hide in a tree
and they watch this genie bust out an INCREDIBLY HOT CHICK
and go on and on about how sexy virtuous she is
and how he’s so glad he stole her from some dude she was gonna marry
and blah blah blah and then he goes to sleep on her lap
and as soon as the genie is asleep
the chick wiggles out from under him
and she looks up in the tree and she’s like “yo
come down her and have sex with me”
and they’re like “Uh…
we totally want to and everything
but that genie would definitely kill us if we did that”
and the chick is like “No, listen to me
what is going to happen
is you are going to come down here and have sex with me
I am going to wake up this genie and THEN he will kill you.”
And Shahryar is like “Go for it, bro
she’s all yours
I’m a married man
whereas you have recently bisected your wife
you go ahead and get firsties
I will stay up in this tree and contemplate sloppy seconds”
and Shah Zaman is like “Dude this is WAY sketchy
and it’s not like your wife is being faithful to YOU.
YOU go first.”
and the chick is like “Oh my god I cannot believe what I am hearing
I’ve got my tits out down here
getting cold in the seabreeze
and you two anticocks are up in a palm tree playing “who can get the least laid”
need I remind you that I have a genie
who will KILL you
if you do not begin rubbing my ladyparts IMMEDIATELY.”
And it’s hard to argue with a hot chick who has a genie
so they doubleteam her
and then she robs them
and they walk away feeling pretty filthy
but also they got laid so it’s not so bad.
Anyway, this genie doubleteam experience
is the icing on the misogyny cake that these two dudes have been baking
so when Shahryar gets home
he murders his wife
murders all her slaves
and then resolves to marry a new woman
have sex with her
and then murder her
EVERY SINGLE DAY
for the rest of his life
and he manages to keep this up for a thousand days
but THAT’S when Scheherazade comes in.
TO BE CONTINUED.