Since When Do Animals Have Any Business Building Houses

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

so there’s these pigs right
three of them
some people say that these pigs were particularly small
i say fuck that
i prefer to imagine some colossal fucking boars
as long as I have to listen to a story about more animals being idiots

so these pigs come into some money
don’t ask me how
I don’t know what kind of crazy fairytale entrepreneur is going around hiring pigs
especially since
as you will see
these pigs are none too bright
or at least two of them are none too bright and one is a GODDAMN SOCIOPATH
anyway the point is these pigs have some capital

so being ambitious young swine
these three pigs decide they are going to invest this money in real estate
so they each purchase an empty lot and set to work building a house on it
this is where shit starts to go sour

see the first pig is trying to decide what to build his house out of
and he’s like hm
what’s a thing that I already have a lot of
and is terrible for building houses
OH I KNOW
STRAW
so he just loads up on bales of hay
and uses the massive savings
to build himself a goddamn precarious mansion of distilled yellow stupid

CUT TO THE SECOND PIG
he’s like man look at that dumb pig building his house out of straw
I’m way more legit than he
what should I use as a building material to reflect my legititude
bubble wrap?
pencil shavings?
old hair?
no no no
TWIGS
OF COURSE
NOTHING IS MORE LEGIT THAN TWIGS
SCIENCE HAS SHOWN THIS

so let’s leave dumbshit number two to build his brittle lincoln log catastrophe
and see how the third pig is doing
so this pig is a pretty weird pig
seeing as he is a pig who knows masonry
and also seeing as he proceeds to build a goddamn brick fortress
without so much as providing a critique of the other two pigs’ housing decisions
he just builds his house and sits down in his creepy brick basement pig porn dungeon
and waits for is friends to fail

AND FAIL THEY DO
See there’s a wolf in the neighborhood
and the wolf is momentarily discouraged to find pigs living inside houses
but then he sees how stupid the houses are and he’s like oh ok sure
so what he does is he just rolls up to the first pig’s straw mansion
and he’s like YO
MOTHERFUCKIN’ PIGS BETTER OPEN UP THE HATCH
and the pig’s like
NOT BY THE STRANDS OF MY SWEET SOUL PATCH
and the wolf is like okay well
I went to art school for music so I have great breath control
how about i use it to blow your house away
and the pig is like A SLIGHT BREEZE
HOW DID YOU KNOW MY ONLY WEAKNESS
OTHER THAN FIRE, GRAVITY, AND MY ALMOST CRIPPLING STUPIDITY
actually he doesn’t finish saying that because the wolf eats him

but the wolf is still hungry so he goes to the next house
all like YO YO
HUGE-ASS BOAR BETTER OPEN UP THE DOOR
and the pig is like
NOT BY MY BEARD, WHICH CAN SWEEP ON THE FLOOR
and the wolf is like fine
that whole blowing on the house thing already worked once
and i always say don’t mess with success
so he just proceeds to literally blow that house to smithereens
whatever smithereens are
i’m sure he blows them
and then he eats the second pig

so then there’s the third pig
he’s got surveillance cameras trained on that wolf
and he’s watching the footage
from his lead-shielded command center inside the second story closet
and the wolf shows up like YO
OPEN UP LITTLE PIG, DON’T YOU DARE BE AFEARD
and the pig gets on the PA like
NOT BY THE STENCH OF MY PEDOPHILE BEARD
and the wolf is like well fuck
HOW ABOUT I USE BLOWING
and he does
why would he even try
it’s made of bricks
i feel like if he has mastered rhyming threats he should also know about bricks
i mean one would assume
but anyway he makes a fool of himself
and then he decides to try something else
which is he decides to climb in through the chimney
but see the wolf sucks at being stealthy
so the sociopath pig already knows what he’s doing
and he just calmly goes into his living room
and sets a big cooking pot in the fireplace
so when the wolf jumps down the chimney
like a big hairy santa claus of murder
he lands in the pot and immediately boils to death
it is really terrible and the pig probably gets off on it
and then he gets to enjoy some delicious soup with his OH WAIT HIS FRIENDS ARE DEAD

so the moral of the story
is people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones
and people who live in straw houses shouldn’t taunt wolves
but people who live in brick houses can do whatever the fuck they want

THE END.

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31 thoughts on “Since When Do Animals Have Any Business Building Houses

  1. NOT BY THE STRANDS OF MY SWEET SOUL PATCH

    CONGRATULATIONS SIR

    Also, the ad I got on the sidebar is for Powerbilt Prefabricated Buildings.

  2. I've always thought this was a weirdass story. Geez, the wolf just wants some friggin' bacon! Pigs are dicks, man.

    I hope I don't get boiled alive every time I want to eat bacon; I'd have to stop eating it. (actually, I'd probably risk it, bacon's awesome!)

  3. Take any fable or fairy tale.
    Retell it using a lot of abusive obscenity.
    Reap praise from people who think "Mad Libs" are great literature.
    Years later, wince at the recollection of your self-congratulatory hep-catness.
    Formulaic and juvenile.

    • Really? Because I think most of the side notes are actually pretty brilliant – such as the Donkey Kong barrels or accurate references to previous myths/fairytales/stories retold. Seriously, sometimes I am not even laughing, I am nodding in approval! :D

  4. A classic. All I need to do is wait ten years for my kids to be old enough for that sort of language. OK, five years. In this day and age, two years.

  5. Take any fun and well-meaning blog.
    Insult it without actually creating anything worthwhile yourself.
    Reap praise from people who think that everything on the Internet has to be incredibly serious.
    Years later, wince at the recollection of your self-righteous, feigned indignation.
    Pompous and pathetic.

  6. It's kind of weird when you think that the wolf had JUST eaten his friends, so the third pig was technically eating his friends too when he made the wolf soup.
    Like a turducken soup but with wolf/pig.

  7. I was just about to point out the horrifying cannibalistic nature of Pig 3's wolf soup. I'm glad I'm not the only person whose mind works this way.

  8. Meve, try this:
    Work as a professional script editor.
    Write and publish five books.
    Compose and record over 100 songs and videos.
    Work as a paid animator.
    Post a comment expressing an opinion about a blog. Since self-aggrandizement is not the goal, remain anonymous.
    Expect (and receive) no praise whatsoever for your opinion.
    Read a followup post from "Meve", which mimics your post, just as the original blog mimics a fairy tale.
    Meve, you're probably a nice person, and perhaps you're trying to defend a friend, or maybe you just object to criticism of anything.
    However, the piece you're defending ridicules a children's story (easy target) using obscene language and references to pedophilia (not a nice activity). You also write fairly well, but you have assumed that this respondent has posted an opinion "without ever creating anything worthwhile". I don't think you meant to say that it's "worthwhile" to insult a children's story, but expressing an adverse opinion about such things is unacceptable; it just came out that way.
    There is no "feigned indignation" here. Just a little weariness and disappointment over yet another piece eliciting cheap laughs at the expense of an innocent target.
    I hope that the author of the parody in question will grow and prosper, and that his talents will find a better outlet than this particular (formulaic and juvenile) piece.
    He seems to be pretty clever. I just think he can do better.
    I think I'll remain anonymous, since I'm not the important one here.

  9. Well, since we now have two anonymouses in the feed, I'm going to bow out. I wrote the "formulaic and juvenile" opinions which I still feel are applicable to this particular piece. That being said, I have done plenty of my own wincing over the past few decades, so I actually sympathize with the author. I'd like to offer some alternative works for everyone (including the author) to consult: 1. Guy Wetmore Carryl's books (Fables for the Frivolous, Grimm Tales Made Gay, Mother Goose for Grownups), all published around 1900-1902. You can find them on the web under Project Gutenberg. They are meticulously rhymed, occasionally multilingual, and each poem ends with its own witty moral. 2. Bebop's Fables by Steve Allen (1953). Not as good as Carryl, but they demonstrate the update-to-the-current-vernacular. 3. Captain Bangaroo by Spike Jones (1960). Another hepcat retelling ("Cinderella Frankenstein"), again not as good as Carryl, but a good illustration of how long this kind of parody has been around in American Popular Culture. If the author acquaints himself with these (especially Carryl), his work is likely to improve. At least, he (and anyone else who experiences them) will probably be impressed and entertained. Since I have to wish to be considered a nasty troll, I will leave you with the above entertaining suggestions, and wish a pleasant time for all parties concerned. Fare well.

  10. In the above comment, please correct to "I have NO wish to be considered a nasty troll".
    That's all from me.
    Any future Anonymous postings are from someone else.
    PS I really hope you check out the Carryl material.

  11. Ovid,

    Based on your latest post, you're having a rough go of it. Please please please don't let any of this commenting nonsense get to you. While the Internet is a seemingly infinitely plane of entertainment, I (and many others) choose to visit your little corner of it because we find it particularly amusing and inspiring. And actually educational too!

    I know you have real shit to worry about in your life, and I'm grateful that you take even a little time away from those important things to have some fun and try to entertain us.

  12. That is very nice of you to say, Meve. That guy actually had some good reading suggestions, though. Comment sections are for whatever people wanna say, so I'm not about to get all demoralized because someone doesn't think I'm the shit.

  13. Ovid, you ARE the shit. I'm 43 years old, think it's hi-fucking-larious, and showed your blog to my 12 year old niece and 10 year old nephew, who love it more than I loved mad magazine back in the day, plus it gives them a grounding in mythology that they're actually interested in reading. And, if they don't watch out, they might even learn something. Yep, I'm that crazy old bag of an aunt, with the diff being that my bro and sis in law happen to approve of me corrupting their minors :)

  14. I'm a Religious Studies/Literature major, and I think this blog is clever and witty, and "anonymous" takes him- or herself too seriously. New reading material is always appreciated; scorn and derision is never constructive. Ovid, I love what you do, and I shared your blog with a professor who recently became the head of the Religious Studies department at an Ivy League school, who studied at U of Chicago under mother-fucking Eliade. HE thinks your blog is clever and witty.

    As long as you keep posting, we'll keep reading.

  15. Wow these comments! People taking things too seriously on the internet, oh nooo.

    I actually thought this was one of your better posts. (Although I am a fan of most of them!) Keep it up, Ovid. :)

  16. You know what, I do serious stuff all day, erryday. I come to this blog for — wait for it — cheap laughs and a smile.

    Seriously

    were I in grad school
    I would not worry about making every post a masterpiece
    because fucking grad school
    is WAY more important
    and I might like doing the funny
    as a way to RELIEVE stress
    not cause it

    I know I like reading the funny to relieve stress. There's a time and a place to be a high-minded literary fuckstick, and this is neither.

    IN OTHER WORDS SHUDDUP SOME OF US LIKE PUERILE CHEAP SHOTS SOMETIMES, IT KEEPS US FROM KILLING OURSELVES

  17. I'm totally not reading anything the asshole anon posted there, and I hope I never stumble upon his/her works, because I don't support dickishness as a way to promote oneself.

    This coming from an accomplished novelist.

    Ovid, you're great. Part of my next royalty check is headed your way.

  18. Ovid,
    My job (which I love) is inherently depressing. When I get home from work and read your blog, I feel better. There's nothing wrong with producing very well-written brain candy that makes people feel better at the end of their day.

    Did anyone else notice that while Anon1 wrote "compose and record over 100 songs and videos," he or she did not mention anyone has ever PAID her or him actual money for said songs and videos? Just saying.

    Also, "write and publish five books," again, were the books self-published? How is he or she defining published? Printed at Kinko's and sold at the church bake sale? Was he or she ever paid by someone who wasn't his or her grandparent for the books?

    Be well,

    Californianinkansas

  19. Man I decided to leave my first comment on what turned out to be a ridiculously heated post. Uhh…I love your stuff. I wanted to tell you that you make me laugh out loud in public places, which sucks a little, but whatever. I wish I had known you lived in Chicago, cause I was there last week and I would have totally used smoke signals to call you up and it wouldn’t have been weird at all.
    Cool bye. I wish you would do the Tall Man urban myth, with all the hype and nonsense, so that’s my contribution.

  20. Way late to the party, but Ovid, in case you ever reread Anonyjerkass’s comments and feel down: don’t listen to that jerkass. I mean, maybe listen to the constructive suggestions if you think you’ve got something to gain thereby? But don’t listen to the insults. Your stuff is sufficiently hilarious that I’ve been spending the past week or so gradually reading my way back through it, and I fully intend to keep going.

  21. Pingback: The Animals on Animal Farm are ANIMALS | Myths RETOLD

  22. I cannot wait until my two-year-old niece is old enough to corrupt. It’s gonna be RAD.
    Also, seriously dude, you’re fucking awesome. Just really fucking sweet.
    Not gonna contribute my unpopular opinion of the day on this myth, but I thought Third Piggy was a goddamn psychopath when I read it (I was eight).
    Seriously, you literally boil up murder santa fur face and then decide TO EAT HIM?! That’s kind of sociopathic regardless of the fact that he just ate your friends. You coulda just boiled him for revenge IF YOU CARED ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS/BROTHERS.
    Peace out motherfuckers.
    -M

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