Switching shit up

Okay so normally I talk about greek dudes

but i am going to switch it up right now and talk about some mayan dudes instead
for example
there is this one mayan dude
he has like fifty goddamn names
Like Hurucan
and Gugumatz
And Heart-of-Sky
and im not even really sure if he is one person or two people
because they keep acting like he is two people
but the two people never do anything independently
so they’re basically just one person
or like some kind of hive-mind
anyway we’re going to call this thing Quetzalcoatl
Quetzalcoatl is bored because all there is anywhere is just a whole bunch of water
and some sky
and it’s not even interesting sky because there is no light
so Quetzalcoatl is like okay boom
and there is some light
and then he goes boom again
and there is some land
but this is still pretty lame because what is the point
of being able to do this kind of shit
if there is no one around to get freaked out by how cool it is
so he has this great idea
and he makes some forests
and then he just makes up a bunch of animals
like jaguars and shit
a whole bunch of shit but mostly jaguars
and then he’s like
WHOA JAGUARS LOOK I JUST FUCKING MADE YOU
LIKE AS IF BY MAGIC OR SOMETHING
PRETTY NEAT HUH
And the jaguars are all rarrrr we are jaguars
we can’t talk or be impressed
so Quetzalcoatl is like aww fuck you guys
I’m gonna make some way more awesome creatures
and they are going to worship me
and you are going to be their SLAVES
so he gets some dirt
and he makes dirt-people
but the dirt-people really suck
because first of all
they are made out of dirt
second of all they only speak gibberish
and also they dissolve in water
so basically they are pretty lame
and Quetzalcoatl figures that even if they COULD worship him
he would get pretty embarassed
so he kills all of them
by dumping water on them
and then he calls these 2 other dudes
Xpiacoc and Xmucane
who have names that sound like antidepressants
and is like hey is it a good idea for me to make people out of wood?
and they say yeah go for it
so he makes people out of wood
like a whole bunch of wooden robots basically
and they can speak and walk around
and they don’t dissolve in water
but they are tremendous assholes
one might even say they had a STICK up their asses
get it get it
anyway
they totally forget to worship Quetzalcoatl at all
and he’s getting pretty pissed at this point
because he has seriously made EVERYTHING THAT EXISTS
and no one is giving him ANY CREDIT
so he kind of freaks the fuck out a little
and rains fire
and rain
and burns everything to cinders
and then makes all of the wood-people’s cookware come alive and kill them
and all the animals move into their houses and eat them
even though they are made of wood and totally not tasty
and meanwhile Quetzalcoatl makes a bunch of people
out of tortillas
and they live happily ever after
in fact everyone lives happily ever after
except the wood people
who get chased into the woods and turned into monkeys
so the moral of the story is
never set fire to a monkey
because it is made out of wood
and you will start a forest fire

The End.

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3 thoughts on “Switching shit up

  1. This, just,
    can I use this, specifically this, as my response whenever anyone brings up how the world was made?
    Because this is perfect.

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