so there’s these dudes
they are on a pilgrimage to canterbury
because that is where the cathedral is at
and dudes love makin’ pilgrimages to cathedrals
but it’s a long way to canterbury from wherever the fuck they are
and no one thought to bring an automobile
INTO THE PAST, WHERE THIS STORY TAKES PLACE
so they’ve gotta find creative ways to not be very bored
because nobody brought internet either.
So this one dude, who runs an inn back home
is like “Guys, I have a great idea
let’s have a storytelling contest.
Ready set go!”
And then this knight steps up to the storytelling plate all like “ahem:
So back in ancient Greecetimes there was this dude named Theseus
you may remember him as the serial womanizer who killed a furry and then fell off a cliff
or the wacky dad from A Midsummer Night’s Dream
[seriously, what is it with these English dudes and romanticizing this Greek asshole?]
anyway, this guy is just walking through greeceland
and he sees Thebes and he is like
“that looks like a nice city
FOR ME TO CONQUER ON.”
then he goes inside and kills everyone.
But he forgot to kill TWO DUDES.
They are covered in debris, but they are still totally alive
and Theseus is like “SWEET!
An opportunity to prove my incredible mercy
despite the fact that I just murdered like a whole city.
Heal these men’s wounds
throw them in prison forever.
So these two dudes
who are named Arcite and Palamon
and who are also cousins
wake up in this jail cell way at the top of this tower
and they’re like “wow, this sucks”
but at least their jail cell has a nice view
and when I say nice view
I mean MEGA-NICE
like a class-a penthouse garden view
complete with hot chick.
Yep, there is a hot chick down there.
She is Theseus’s daughter and her name is Emelye
because during the dark ages we all forgot how to spell.
So Arcite and Palamon both practically bust through the walls with their rock hard boners
which are instead shooting out through the iron bars and casting tremendous shadows over Emelye
But as often happens when boners protrude too far
it is not long before these two cousins start FENCING
(WITH THEIR DICKS, I MEAN
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE THAT CLEAR.
THERE WILL BE REAL FENCING LATER, NO WORRIES.)
Arcite is like “Dude, I saw her first!”
And Palamon is like “Dude:
First’s the worst
second’s the best
fuck off now while I touch her breasts.”
And it starts to really suck in that tiny jail cell
because there is nothing worse than sharing a cell with your cousin who hates you
and ALSO you want to bang a chick but you can’t.
It is a common problem, I hear.
And that is why Arcite takes the first opportunity to pull some political strings
and bust out of jail
but he only gets out on the condition that he has to leave Thebes and never come back
which sucks, because pretty much the whole reason he busted out
was to try and bone Emelye
so now he’s bummed
and Palamon is bummed too
because he figures Arcite is just gonna bust into the city and force-sex Emelye any minute.
Dear reader, who do you think is worse off,
Arcite or Palamoun?
IT WAS A TRICK QUESTION
ARCITE IS BETTER OFF
BECAUSE HE IS NOT IN FUCKING PRISON
MAN, ARE YOU GUYS ALL DUMB?
YOU SEEM DUMB.
So Arcite is pinin’ away
and Palamoun is too
so Arcite disguises himself as a hobo and busts into Thebes
and Palamon disguises himself as a badass and busts out of prison
and then they run into each other in the woods
and immediately start beating the shit out of each other
and since beating the shit out of each other is one of the most conspicuous things you can do
during any kind of daring getaway/infiltration
it’s not long before Theseus rolls up and is like “uh hey
what are you both doing out of prison?
I think probably I need to do that killing you thing that I didn’t do earlier.”
But then all the ladies are like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WE LIKE DUDES WHO IDISCRIMINATELY VIOLENCE EACH OTHER.”
And Theseus is like “Duh, I know, that’s pretty much why we do it all the time.”
and the ladies are like “Okay then if you don’t want to block Emelye’s ladycock
you will totally spare these dudes
so that they can FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE
and everyone is like “Aw sweet.”
Theseus gets REAL jazzed about this plan.
He gets so jazzed, that he builds an ARENA for them to fight in
FROM FUCKING SCRATCH.
And I’m not talking about just a few pieces of plywood and some racing stripes
this thing has THREE TEMPLES in it
WHY WOULD YOU NEED TO GO TO A TEMPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A GLADIATORIAL MATCH?
TO HAVE SEX?
THAT’S ALL PEOPLE SEEM TO USE TEMPLES FOR IN GREEK MYTHS.
But not in this story.
This is a respectable story.
And these temples are for respectable gods:
(ahahaha …. respectable)
anyway, the night before the big murder match
everyone starts sneaking into these temples to do prayers.
First, Emelye sneaks into the temple of Diana
because it turns out she totally DOESN’T want to get her bone on with Arcite OR Palamon
so she’s like “Hey Diana, guard my vag, yeah?”
And Diana is just like “nope.”
And then she blows out all the candles in the temple
using a word that also means “vagina.”
just to add insult to injury
also i think something starts bleeding
it is a metaphor for how dudes are gonna have sex with her.
So that’s great for her
but meanwhile Palamon is busy checking out the temple of Venus
and he’s like “Yo, Venus
lemme get the girl, k?”
And venus is like “yeah no problem”
but she’s kinda hard to understand
because she’s got her mouth on Mars’s dick while she says it.
Next time your prayers go unanswered, imagine that this is what is happening.
But anyway, Palamon walks out of there feeling pretty good
as does Mars, I imagine.
Speaking of mars
now it is Arcite’s turn to go into a temple
and by process of elimination
that temple has to be the temple of mars
so Arcite is like “Yo mars, let me win the fight tomorrow”
and mars is like “What? Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh god Venus that feels so good don’t stop.”
So eventually Mars and Venus sober up
and realize they basically just made totally contradictory promises just now
(this is why you should never fuck and grant wishes at the same time, my friends)
but that’s when Zeus rolls in like “Naw, I got this.”
So the next morning the two dudes get ready to fight
and Theseus is like “Awright guys
no groin shots
stab each other with swords
and then they do
and Arcite totally wreck’s palamon’s shit
he gets him down on the ground with a sword all up in his neck
and Palamon is like “Okay, dude. you win, you win.
Thanks a lot, Venus.”
And Venus is like “fuuuuuuck”
but Zeus is like “Nah babe it’s cool. Check it out:”
And then an EARTHQUAKE appears
and causes Arcite to do a backflip off his horse and land on his neck
so he dies, obviously
and on his death bed he’s like “Hey Emelye…
you should totally marry my best bro Palamon.
He will not mind…
getting sloppy seconds…
And Emelye thinks about it for a while
and during that while, she stays real sad
but then eventually Theseus is like “Bitch, stop being such a downer”
and then she gets her shit together and marries Palamon
and the two of them bang happily ever after.
So the moral of the story
is you should never sacrifice your best friendship for the sake of a romance
because there will always be time to get with that chick AFTER your best friend is dead.
And then this drunk dude busts in and tells a story about butts
but THAT’S a story for another time.