The Miller is one Drunk Motherfucker

This is what happens when I get an extra day off, guys
I have time to read ten pages of middle fucking english
and bring you this:
enjoy

Okay so first off, a little backstory
there’s all these dudes and they are riding horses and shit
they are in england and they are trying to get to canterbury
cause that is where the party is at
or where the cathedral is at
or some kind of sacred statue at least
look WHATEVER
the point is there are a bunch of dudes and chicks on horses
and they get pretty bored because horses are slow
so this one guy
who is an inkeeper normally
is like GUYS
GUYS
making people less bored is what I DO
here’s the plan:
we’re gonna have a storytelling contest
and whoever tells the raddest story is going to get $$$$$$$$
so first up let’s hear a story from THIS KNIGHT I FOUND
and the knight is like SHIT YEAH BITCHES
and he tells a story
and maybe I will tell you that story some time
because it is pretty good in its own (boring boring) way
but for now we’ve got bigger fish to fry
cause see
after the knight finishes telling his story
the innkeeper is like GREAT STORY BRO
MAN
I WAS MOVED TO TEARS
OKAY UP NEXT LET’S HEAR A STORY FROM THIS NOBLE MONK OVER HERE
but that’s when shit goes haywire
cause there’s this miller riding with them
and he is TRASHED
it’s like 2PM and this guy is like falling off his horse
and he’s like HEY
INKEEPER
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU
SEEMS TO ME
YOU’RE JUST PICKING ALL THE RICH FANCY POPULAR DUDES
TO TELL ALL THEIR RICH FANCY POPULAR TALES
AND I MAY BE DRUNK
BUT I’M SURE AS HELL NOT FANCY OR POPULAR
SO GATHER ROUND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
ABOUT BUTTS
and the Innkeeper is like whoa now
slow your roll there drunky mcdrunkenpants
and the Miller is like IF I’M SO DRUNK HOW COME YOU DON’T LOOK FUCKABLE YET
THERE ARE TWO POSSIBLE REASONS FOR THIS
REASON ONE: I’M NOT DRUNK
IN WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD LET ME TELL MY STORY
REASON TWO: YOU’RE JUST REAAAAAAALLY UGLY
AND NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE ORDERS FROM UGLY PEOPLE
SO I SHOULD STILL TELL MY STORY
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
HERE IS MY STORY ABOUT BUTTS AND SEX AND CARPENTERS

now guys
before we begin this story
let me just remind you
that I am only a storyteller here
not even a full-on storyteller
a story RE-teller
so whatever the miller is about to say
it’s totally not my responsibility
this is his drunk-ass talking
filtered through the horndog sensibilites of Geoffrey Chaucer
and I will not hear any complaints
or god help me I am turning this myth around and we are going home

(I’m going to put this all in quotation marks so yall don’t forget)

Okay so there’s this carpenter
his name is John
he’s a big jerk and also dumb
also old and gross
but he runs a pretty sweet motel
and also he has a REALLY HOT WIFE
guys
GUYS
his wife is so hot
I would eat pudding off her ass
STRAIGHT UP I WOULD
DON’T TEST ME
FIND ME AN ASS I WOULDN’T EAT PUDDING OFF OF
AND I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT ASS WILL HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON THE ASS OF THIS WOMAN IN THE STORY I AM TELLING
her name is Allison by the way
and she has a nasty habit of eyefucking the SHIT
out of every man, woman and child in the vicinity
and what the fuck is this old guy doing getting married to this fine piece of ass?
can you spell Gold-digger?
cause I can’t
I’m way too drunk and I think I just pooped a little

SO ANYWAY
there’s also this dude living in the motel
his name is Nicholas
“Handy” Nicholas
“Handy” as in “Handy-man”
like the handy-men that are in all those pornos
he’s a scholar
A SCHOLAR OF POON, THAT IS
but also a regular scholar
he’s a pretty smart dude

so ONE DAY
while John the carpenter is out buying wood or something
Handy Nicholas just walks right up to Allison
grabs her on the vag
and is like hey baby howsabout you and me conjugate sexwise
if you know what I mean
and Allison is like WAIT NO
I’VE GOT A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
also I’m not entirely sure what you mean by conjugate sexwise
and Nicholas is like well that’s all well and good
but I notice you have yet to remove my hand from your vagina
and Allison is like truuuuuuuue
then they bang

but halfway through banging Allison is like WAIT
I STILL HAVE A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT
and Nicholas is like cool it baby
what kind of poon scholar would I be
if I couldn’t outwit some dumbass carpenter?
look I have a plan
and step one of that plan
is for you to stop blueing my balls
and back that ass up
SEXWISE

so when John gets home
he finds that Handsy Nicholas has locked himself in his own room
along with his Titstrolabe and his Poon Sextant
and proceeds to just sit in there
FOR DAYS
gawping at the ceiling
until John finally freaks the fuck out
because shit man
he doesn’t want another dead body in his motel
so he has his house dude bust down the door
and then Nicholas is like JOHN
THANK GOD YOU’VE ARRIVED
I’VE HAD A VISION
A VISION
FROM GODDDDDDD
but listen dude
you can’t tell ANYONE ELSE about this vision
this is a you and me only vision
SO OKAY
VISION TIME
GET READY
alright so you’ve heard about Noah, right?
what if I told you
you were about to star in NOAH 2:
TURBO EDITION
and John is like holy shit YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
and Nicholas is like okay guy
here’s what I need you to do
I need you to go out and buy three feed tubs
like for feed
for animals
and I want you to hang them from your ceiling by ropes
and I want you to stuff them full of delicious food
and then you and me and your wife will lie in the feed tubs
and you have to lie as far away from your wife as possible
because god doesn’t want your dick anywhere near her puddinglicious ass
during the storm, I mean
you can thwap all over that shit later
MAYBE
but anyway yeah
then get an axe so you can cut all the ropes when I give the signal
and we will all drop into the water
and float away to safety
and everyone else will DROWN and DIE
and then we’ll all be floating on top of the water
and I’ll be like HEY JOHN IT’S GREAT TO BE ALIVE, HUH?
and you’ll be like HEY NICHOLAS
I CAN TOTALLY SEE YOUR FACE BECAUSE IT IS DAY TIME AND THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF
sound good?
and the Carpenter is like THAT SOUNDS GREAT AND ALSO TOTALLY BELIEVABLE
carpenters: SOOOOO DUMB AM I RIGHT

so John goes around and sets up all this dumb stuff that is super dumb
and then that night he and his wife and Nicholas all climb into the tubs
like GOODNIGHT GUYS
LET’S ALL PRAY BECAUSE THIS IS A REAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING
and then while John is praying
Allison and Nicholas climb out of the tubs
sneak inside
and FUUUUUUUUUCK

but guys
guys
this is where it gets REALLY GREAT
cause there’s this other scholar dude
his name is Absalon
and this asshole thinks he’s SO DAMN PRETTY
you know the type
he’s the guy with the van halen hair
and he plays guitar
and every time a religious holiday rolls around
he is the dude carrying the censer
which is a big mace full of incense
that he uses to go into hot chick’s houses
and bathe them with sweet-smelling smoke
seriously
this guy had to join the church to come up with an excuse to fondle women
how fucked up is that?
also
he is CONSTANTLY going into bars
and playing his fucking guitar to try and get with the waitresses
and despite that
he’s a real squeamish dude
who is TERRIFIED of farts
man I bet THAT won’t come into play at all right?

but so obviously Absalon is hot on Allison
and when he hears a rumor circulating around town
that no one has seen John all day
(cause john is in his shed building his dumbass contraption)
and he’s like SWEET
NOW’S MY CHANCE
so he waits til like 5AM
and he goes over to Allison’s window
and he starts serenading the FUCK out of that window
and Allison goes over to the window like FUCK BALLS WHAT DO YOU WANT
and Absalon is like I WANT YOUR BODY ALL OVER MY BODY
and Allison is like EW NO
I DON’T WANT YOUR VAN-HALEN-LOOKIN’ ASS ANYWHERE NEAR MY ASS
HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN MY ASS
PEOPLE HAVE OFFERED TO PAY ME MONEY
TO EAT PUDDING OFF OF IT
PUDDING, OK
and Absalon is like OKAY FINE
WELL CAN I AT LEAST GET A KISS?
and Allison is like WILL YOU GO THE FUCK HOME?
and Absalon is like OK SURE
so he busts out a ladder he brought specifically for this purpose
and he climbs up to the window
and it’s really dark, you gotta understand
so he gets up there and he puckers his lips
and Allison proceeds to stick her ASS out the window
and Absalon starts making out with her pungent hole
and then he’s like hey wait a second
women don’t have … beards
AW SHIT
and Allison is like TEE HEE
and then slams the window in his face
and goes back to banging Nicholas

so now Absalon is FURIOUS
like, real furious
this is dangerous
this is a dangerous game now
he’s ready to KILL someone
or at least seriously maim them
cause see what he does
is he goes over to this blacksmith’s place, right
and the blacksmith is like yo Absalon
what’s your van-halen-lookin’ ass doing in here at 5 o’clock in the damn morning?
and Absalon is like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
LET ME BORROW YOUR RED HOT IRON REAL QUICK
and then he just grabs that shit and runs out of the store
and he goes back to Allison’s window
and he’s like HEY
HEY
OPEN THE FUCK UP
I BROUGHT YOU MY GRANDMA’S RING
I WILL TRADE IT WITH YOUR TAWDRY SELF IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE KISSES
and this time it’s Nicholas who hears him
cause see he just got up to take a piss
so he makes his voice all high and he goes like COMING, HONEY
and he goes over to the window
and he sticks his narrow scholar ass out the window
and Absolon climbs all the way up there
and Nicholas rips the NASTIEST FUCKING FART
like BLURRRTTTTTTTTTTTTT
and Absolon is almost blown off the damn ladder
[THIS IS LITERATURE GUYS. THIS IS FUCKING LITERATURE]
but he’s got his red hot iron ready this time
and he just jabs Handsy Nick right in his flapping asshole
and Nick’s taint catches on fire
and he runs into the house like WATER
WATER
HOLY SHIT
WATER
and John
who is still in the shed waiting for judgement day
hears Nick yelling and is like WATER?
HOLY SHIT THE FLOOD HAS COME
and he takes the axe
and severs the ropes
and plummets to the floor and breaks his arm
and the whole town shows up
and Nicholas is like hey guys
look at dumbass John the Carpenter
he thought there was going to be some kind of biblical flood
he was trying to make me and his wife go along with it
but luckily we were too busy banging or WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED
and everyone makes fun of john forever
although I think he still stays married to Allison
so I don’t know what Nicholas got out of this whole thing
other than a scorched asshole

but uh, okay
so the moral of the story?
well the moral of the story is that hot chicks make terrible wives
and scholars make terrible friends
so maybe you’re better off just being gay
because at least then it’s not a TOTAL loss
if you find yourself making out with some dude’s asshole at 5:00 in the morning

THE END.

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9 thoughts on “The Miller is one Drunk Motherfucker

  1. BEST!

    Just studied the prioress' tale in my medieval judaism class the other day so I'm looking forward to seeing you do that one!!

    Thank you for always making me laugh inappropiately in quiet computer rooms when I really should be doing other important things 😀

  2. Pingback: Chauntecleer is Really Well Read For a Rooster | Myths RETOLD

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