What’s So Great About Athens?

Hey guys I’m back
you may notice that the unspeakable things for money page is also back
it’s way different now though, so check it out
also, check this out:

I REMEMBERED ANOTHER GREEK MYTH
IT IS A FAIRLY WELL-KNOWN ONE TOO
What the hell was i doing
fucking around with all these obscure-as-hell greek tales
with this populist gem glimmering the hell out of itself over here
it’s like all this time
I have been scrambling for change and half-melted hard candies in my couch cushions
when it turns out the couch cushions themselves were made of COTTON CANDY
CAN YOU IMAGINE GUYS
A COTTON CANDY COUCH
WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO PUT IN YOUR HOUSE
THAT COUCH WOULD BE A PULSATING MASS OF ANTS WITHIN A WEEK
so uh
yeah
let’s talk about how Athens got its name

now back in the day, Athens was not named Athens
it was like when you form a band with your friends
and you have a few practices
and someone is like damn
we should come up with a name for our band
and then for the next week or month or whatever
everyone in the band is constantly dishing out the stupidest names possible
like Sandwich Mafia or Assnectar or Painful Bowel Obstruction
and it’s just not working
because you have to just let that shit happen, you know
so everyone in not-Athens is just wandering around for months
going “hey, what about High Five City?
Funky Town?
Painful Bowel Obstruction?”
until finally the gods are like fuck this
we’re naming your city after one of us and there’s nothing you can do about it

but there’s a problem
the problem is that gods are competitive as fuck
so they pretty much have a UFC-style throwdown to determine who gets to name the city
and finally there’s only two challengers left
Poseidon, god of wet
and Athena, goddess of exploding people’s foreheads
it is going to be the match of the century, my friends
but then Athena has to go and fuck it all up
by presenting a PEACEFUL ALTERNATIVE
SNORE

she’s like hey
how about we actually go down to the city
and we each offer them something really rad
and the city goes to whoever’s offering they like more
but hm … we need a judge
good thing the city is currently ruled over by a half-man half-snake named Cecrops
he doesn’t sound evil at all!
Hey Cecrops, wanna judge this contest?
and Cecrops is like YESSSSSSSS
GOOOOOOOOOD

so Athena and Poseidon both land on a mountain in the middle of town
and they flip a coin and Poseidon has to go first
so he just stabs the ground with his trident
and the ground is like AHHHGH I’M BLEEDING
and all this water comes gushing out
and everyone is like yayyyy, water
but then they taste it and they’re like what the fuck
this is salt water
and Poseidon is like WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
I AM POSEIDON
GOD OF THE SEA AND EARTHQUAKES
FUCK FRESH WATER
I FRANCHISED OUT ALL THE FRESHWATER TO A BUNCH OF LESSER GODS A LONG TIME AGO
TRY TO KEEP UP

so then it’s Athena’s turn
and all she does is plant a little seed in the ground
and then she uses god magic to make it grow real fast
and it’s an olive tree
and everyone’s like oh yay
olives
I mean, we already have those
like, we live in fucking Greece
but it’s better than this stupid salt-geyser poseidon made
so I guess you win
and Athena is like YESSSSSS
and then they go to type her name in as the name of the city
but some dumbass makes a typo, cause the s key is right next to the a
and that’s why it’s called Athens

so the moral of the story
is I guess not all snake-men are evil
Cercops turned out to be a pretty okay dude, actually

the end.

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6 thoughts on “What’s So Great About Athens?

  1. Pretty good, I didn’t remember that one. I like Poseidon’s tirade. How’s your nephew or niece Hiatus Nexus?

  2. I once read a version of this one where Poseidon gifts a white bull instead. People still prefferd olives, though.
    As always, nice rendition!

  3. I heard a different version where Poseidon gave them horses and the people got to vote. The women liked the olives most because you can trade with that and it’s good food but the men liked the horses most because they could go to war with the horses. Anyway there were more women so Athena won, but Poseidon got mad and demanded that women wouldn’t be allowed to vote in the future and that’s how sexism was born.

  4. And I heard it was the first olive tree ever, that Athena invented olives, olive oil and martinis right there on the spot, and all the people standing around who had never known what they were missing, were like “YESSSSS.”

    Or maybe that was just Cecrops.

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