Zeus does not understand contraception

Okay so yes this is a little late I’m still on East Coast time assholes

anyway Zeus right
he is experimenting with potential hiding places for his penis
all over this chick Metis
he has already tried all the usual options
armpit
ear canal
that place that is like an armpit but it is behind your knee
and you don’t put deodorant on it
or at least I don’t
but actually i dont think the greeks put deodorant anywhere
anyway he’s running out of penis hollows
when he is like wait a second
there is this thing called a vagina i keep hearing about
i wonder if that would be a good place for my penis
well shit only one way to find out
hey metis get over here i need to use your vagina for science
(this is an excellent pick up line by the way
try it at home)
so then they have sex obviously
but clearly zeus has not thought this shit through
i mean when does he ever think this shit through
because see there is this prophecy floating around
that zeus is gonna have a kid that is gonna be more powerful than him
and zeus hears about this shit and he is like WHAT
COME ON
WE CAN’T HAVE THAT
and then someone else tells him that the way you have kids
is by hiding your penis in vaginas for extended periods of time
and zeus is like what seriously
fuckkckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
HEY METIS
GET OVER HERE
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME WITH YOU AND MAYBE FORCE YOU TO HAVE AN ABORTION
and metis is like ok what is this game you are talking about
and zeus is like how bout a shapeshifting contest
and metis is like i dont see how this could possibly go wrong
okay i am a chainsaw now
and zeus is like I AM BUTTER
and metis is like I AM A SALAD
and zeus is like I AM TWO CATS FUCKING
and metis is like FORM OF A GLASS OF WATER
and zeus is like I’M A WHOLE BUCKET OF TACOS
and metis is like OH YEAH WELL I’M A FLY NOW
and zeus is like BAM BITCH THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR
and he eats her
thus effectively solving all his problems forever
but actually his problems are not solved at all
because nine months later
he gets this bonerkilling headache
that kills all his boners with such ferocity
that he actually has hephpaestus split open his head with a shovel
and BOOM
HERE COMES ATHENA
SPRINGING FULLY FORMED OUT OF ZEUS’S BRAINWOMB
and zeus is like aw fuck now i gotta pay child support

so the moral of the story is
always wear a condom
because otherwise
you are going to have to resort to an impromptu skull c-section
with a shovel

It’s good to be back.

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7 thoughts on “Zeus does not understand contraception

  1. Man so many things. There's the Metamorphoses, for starters. That's a huge repository for this shit. Then there's retellings all over the internet, and there's also a couple of tiny sections in the Odyssey and Iliad and Aeneid where they take a break to tell some of these. Plus a lot of these my parents used to tell to me when I was a kid, albeit kind of censored versions.

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