Guys this is a very important post
because it has two very important informations in it
one is that i am like a third of the way through linking up all the posts
you can see a fine example of the kind of bullshit that is happening here
SECOND ANNOUNCMENET
i have decided fuck video myths
at least until i am no longer on the road
because finding internet to post 5-7 videos is fucking exhausting
and the quality is shite anyway
BUT NEVER FEAR
BECAUSE LISTEN GUYS
The next time I get a total of 20 bucks from you assholes
I am going to post a rap
about a MYTH
like right now I am working on a rap version of Oedipus Rex
(which you may recall was the first ever myth on this blog)
So give me money and I will give you raps
don’t believe I can do it? WELL FUCK YOU.
ANYWAY
Holy shit guys this myth pisses me off
so basically what happens
is there is this god Baldur
he’s real pretty and everybody loves him
and he knows it
but he’s not a prick about it or anything
but then SUDDENLY
Baldur starts having this shitty terrible nightmares
that are just like HEY BALDUR
GONNA DIE BALDUR
GONNA GONNA DIE
so baldur goes to Odin
all like waah dad i had a bad dream
and odin is like OH FUCK SON
WE GOTTA GO ASK SOME DEAD WITCHES ABOUT THIS SHIT
so he rides his weird octopus horse sliepnir
all the way to the grave of this chick Volva
only i dont know why she has a grave cuz she’s not really dead
she just kind of pretends to be dead all the time
and tells the future
so basically like some kind of psychic emo possum
anyway odin shows up all like WAKE UP BITCH
and volva is like WHAT
and Odin is like I passed Hel on the way here
and they looked like they were bout to have some kind of hootenanny
WHY IS THIS
and Volva is like oh your son’s gonna die
this is NOT the answer Odin wanted to hear
so he goes back to Asgard
and he is like hey frigga i have good news and bad news
and frigga is like give me the good news first
and odin is like our son is going to die
and frigga is like FUCK THAT’S NOT GOOD NEWS
and odin is like oh shit yeah i forgot
there is no good news
there is only bad news
so yeah
then frigga calls all the gods together
and she is like guys what the fuck
who is plotting to kill my son
and they are like what
we like Baldur why would we do that
what are we some kind of band of scheming murdering assholes?
and loki is like I am
and everyone is like shut the fuck up Loki
so since obviously this is accomplishing nothing
frigga decides to go out
and singlehandedly make EVERYTHING PROMISE NOT TO KILL BALDUR
not everyONE mind you
but everyTHING
like fire and dandelions and refrigerators and tornadoes
like have you ever played katamari damacy
it is like one of those fucking lists the king of all cosmos rattles off
during the loading screen for every level
like someone gave acid to a random number generator and hit it with a shovel
she is just like guys
kill whoever you want as long as it isn’t baldur
and everything is like yeah sure no problem
we like baldur
baldur’s hot
so pretty soon baldur is indestructible by default
just basically because everything abjectly refuses to kill him
and his brothers think this is funny as shit
in fact they keep having parties
that consist solely of duct taping their brother to a wall
and throwing shit at him
i feel like they are not the first brothers to have ever done this
but they are definitely the first to get away with it
but for some reason
and seriously guys
i have NO IDEA what that reason might be
loki is not okay with this
so what he does
is he dresses up as a woman
(the guy likes to feel pretty, ok)
but an OLD woman
and then he sidles up to frigga
who is watching her sons throw weapons at her other son
and is like hey what the fuck is going on over there
and freyja is like oh its fine
everything in the entire world has promised not to kill baldur
except that mistletoe over there
but that’s just because it is too young and easily influenced to make promises
pretty safe, huh
and loki is like YESSSS
UNBELIEVABLY SAFE
so of course loki grabs that nubile young mistletoe
and sharpens the fuck out of it
and puts it on a spear
and then he goes and finds Baldur’s sad blind brother Hoder
who is like boo hoo i want to throw shit at my brother
but no one will let me have a weapon cuz i’m blind
and loki is like OH THE INJUSTICE
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS BLIND DOESN’T MEAN
THAT SHE SHOULDN’T BE ABLE
TO HURL DEADLY WEAPONS AT HIS FAMILY
HERE TAKE THIS SPEAR
and hoder is like AWESOME THIS DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A BAD IDEA AT ALL
and he flings the spear
and for some reason manages to hit Baldur DIRECTLY IN HIS HEART
guys
HODER IS BLIND
THIS IS SPECIFICALLY WHY HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO THROW SHIT
WHY IS HE SO ACCURATE SUDDENLY
AAAAAAAAAA
anyway then baldur dies obviously
and everyone is really sad because they liked him
and now he is dead forever
man being a god in norse mythology doesn’t have all the perks it should
anyway the point here is
WHAT THE FUCK DID LOKI HAVE TO GAIN FROM THIS
it’s like
all you have to do
is REALLY REALLY want something not to happen
like the end of the world or your son dying or spiders erupting out your dick
and loki will MAKE THAT SHIT HAPPEN
so i guess the moral of the story
is if you are trying to get a bunch of stuff to promise not to murder someone
don’t forget to get LOKI in on that shit
seriously man what the fuck
i am getting rageblisters all over my body from this shit
the end i guess