So here’s one I totally glossed over back in the day

Okay, so there’s this kingdom with some dumb rulers
the queen (Cassiopeia) is real pretty
and the king (Cepheus) is just kinda there
so Cassiopeia gets it into her head that she’s not just real pretty
she is THE GODDAMNED PRETTIEST PRINCESS IN THE WHOLE GALAXY
This is wrong for a number of reasons.

ONE: She is not a princess
she is a queen.
TWO: These are greeks we’re talking about
I don’t think they even had any idea what a galaxy was
THREE: Oh yeah, gods get pissed when you say shit like that.
WE ARE GOING TO BE FOCUSING MAINLY ON PROBLEM THREE TODAY.

So one of Poseidon’s nymphs pricks up her ears and hears this nonsense
or rather, she digs poseidon’s prick out of her ears
how did poseidon get his prick in both of her ears, you ask?
what do you think that trident is MADE OF, my friends?
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS MADE OF

Anyway, this nymph hears Cassiopeia gettin’ all titflated over her beauty stats
and she’s like “HIGGITY-HELL NO.
POSEIDON:
SOLVE THIS BITCH’S MISCONCEPTIONS
WITH VIOLENCE.”
And Poseidon is like what’s that?
I can’t hear you over the sound of my dicks in your ears
and the nymph is like “I SAID KILL SOME MORTALS”
and Poseidon is like oh yeah ok
I do that all the time anyway.

So poseidon shows up at Cepheus’s palace like “Bad news, guys.
Looks like I’m gonna make a sea monster eat your daughter cause of some things your wife said
It would be nice if you could chain your daughter to a rock
you know
for the sea monster’s convenience.”
and Cepheus and Cassiopeia are bummed
but they have long ago come to terms with the fact
that sometimes they are going to have to give up daughters
in order to keep being arrogant all the time
so they chain their daughter Andromeda to a rock and they wait

but HOLY DEUS EX MACHINA, BATMAN
who happens to fly by right at this very moment but PERSEUS HIMSELF
he is sailing through the sky on a mile-high violence-boner
having just murdered medusa and taken her head
so he seas that sea monster getting ready to devour a hot chick
and he’s like “Holy shit, time to use my hero skills to nab some poon.”
so he runs down to Andromeda’s parents like “Hey guys
I will save your daughter from that monster
but then
FINDERS KEEPERS”
and the king and queen are both like “Okay okay sure”
So Perseus dive bombs that beast
and cuts its face open
and then he’s like “ALRIGHT, IT’S MARRIAGE TIME”
but then this other dude named Agenor pops up like HEY
ANDROMEDA PROMISED TO MARRY ME FIRST
and Perseus is like “Oh yeah?
Well pop quiz, douchelegs:
which one of us has a magic monster head that turns people to stone?
Oh man
are you having trouble answering my question?
Perhaps it is because I JUST TURNED YOU TO STONE WITH THIS MONSTER HEAD
HAHAHAHA”
then he grabs Andromeda and flies into space on his murderboner
and the rest is history
(and by history I mean constellations)

So the moral of the story
is that it would be a lot easier for you to get a date
if you had a monster head that turned people to stone.

Just sayin’