alright guys

just bought a copy of ovid’s metamorphoses
for fifty cents
in a curio shop
that until today
i thought was a crackhouse
so yall are gonna have to put up with some greek myths for a while

FOR EXAMPLE

there is this dude apollo right
actually he is more of a god than a dude
a god who has gotten all his cocks in a basket
(this being a phrase i just made up
meaning to become full of one’s self)
because he just killed a fucking python
the first python ever
it’s a bigger deal than it sounds actually
and to tell you about it
would require telling you a whole other myth
which is kind of like the biblical flood
but with werewolves
which i was actually gonna tell today
but then i decided fuck it
anyway if you wanna hear it you should let me know

BUT BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND
apollo has got all his cocks in a basket right
and he does what any man in his situation would do
he starts talking shit
he is like I AM THE BEST BOWMAN EVER
NO ONE IS A BETTER BOWMAN THAN ME
and cupid hears him
and is like oh yeah?
how about me?
and apollo is like how about fuck you
and cupid is like how about i use my arrows to make your life a living hell
and apollo is like how about OH SHIT OH DAMN OH SHITDAMN
because cupid is shooting him in the face
or i guess the heart
but really i mean
cupid only has to hit him in the heart
with one of his arrows
no law that says he can’t fire a bunch of other ones
at your face
in fact sometimes i suspect that is exactly what he does
anyway apollo falls in love with the first chick he sees
this broad daphne

but cupid doesn’t stop there
no no no
he gets another arrow
a really blunt arrow
tipped with lead
and he shoots daphne with it
right between the tits
and the face
so in the collarbone i guess
but instead of breaking her collarbone
this arrow has the effect
of making her totally uninterested in boning apollo
not that daphne needed any help with this at all
because she has already pledged to be a virgin forevar
even though she has a totally rockin body

so then apollo shows up
all HEY HEY HEY DAPHNE
I AM HERE TO PERSONALLY DELIVER AN INVITATION
TO A PARTY
IN MY TOGA
IT’S GONNA BE A SMALL PARTY
REALLY MORE OF A KICKBACK
REALLY MORE LIKE JUST YOU AND ME
IN MY TOGA
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
and daphne does not say anything
because she is already running the FUCK away from there

so what is apollo supposed to do?
he starts running after her obviously
and she keeps running away
and he keeps running after her
and apollo is like WOMAN DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM
I AM APOLLO
I AM LITERALLY A GREEK GOD
I KILLED A PYTHON
IT WAS A HUGE DEAL
I CAN PLAY THE LYRE
I CAN TELL THE FUTURE
I CAN HEAL ANY WOUND
YOUR COLLARBONE LOOKS A LITTLE BRUISED LET ME CHECK IT OUT
but daphne is having none of it
she is hauling ass straight to motherfucking egypt if she has to
so she runs
and he runs
and etc
for THREE DAYS
SERIOUSLY THAT MANY DAYS
and the whole time apollo is like RIGHT behind her
like gonna getcha
gonna gonna getcha
and finally
at the end of these three days
daphne gets tired
and apollo does not
and he is like ha HA!
but the place where daphne finally gets tired
is right on the banks of this river Peneus
haha peneus
and guess what guys
that river
is daphne’s DAD
HOLY SHIT PLOT TWIST
actually not really
in the original version
you are given this information from the beginning
this is just bad storytelling on my part
but anyway daphne is like DAD
HELP
TURN ME INTO A TREE SO I DONT GET RAPED
and BAM
first laurel tree ever motherfuckers
right there
where daphne used to be
and apollo runs in
like MAN CAN I TOUCH SOME TIT BEFORE YOU TURN TO WOOD aww

but he salvages the situation
by declaring that from now on
he’s gonna wear a wreath of laurels all the time
and so is his lyre
and some other stuff of his
and some roman dudes
and all this shit
i think the words he actually uses are
“you cannot be my woman but you can be my tree”
which is just intensely creepy
but daphne seems ok with it
i guess because it is either this or rape

so ladies
the moral of the story is
fuck wasting your money on a rape whistle
get adopted by a river named Penis
problem solved