Remember the Arabian nights?
they’re the nights with all the stories in them
and most of the stories are about terrible people.
This one is no exception
it’s called “the lady and her five suitors”
and that title SERIOUSLY UNDERSELLS what’s about to happen.

So this chick is married to this dude
but he’s not around a lot because he likes to travel
without his wife, I guess
or maybe she doesn’t like to travel
anyway there are clearly some deep problems with their relationship
which is why when she starts fucking this hot merchant’s son
no one is surprised
(I mean no one would be surprised if they knew about it
which they don’t.
this dame is pretty crafty, as you will see)
but then one day the dude gets in a fight with some other dude
who decides to prank him by framing him for a crime
and suddenly our heroine is running dangerously low on ilicit D.
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE

Naturally her first stop is the Chief of Police
because that’s the dude what imprisoned her boy
so she’s like “Hey
my ‘brother’ seems to have been falsely imprisoned
I am all alone without him and it is very sad
could you let him out please?”
and the Chief of Police says
very shrewdly, if I do say so:
“only if you touch my wiener.”
then
he pulls out his wiener

so the lady is like “Oh my
well
okay
BUT
let’s do it at my place
tomorrow.”
and the police chief is like “hell yeah
I love being corrupt.”

The lady’s next stop is the judge
and she’s like “what up, your eminence
my ‘brother’ is wrongly imprisoned
and the police chief won’t let him go
so could you go over his head for me pretty please?”
and the judge is like “I will totally go over his head for you
but you are going to have to do a head-related thing for me as well
what i am trying to say is:
please touch my wiener.”

so the lady is like “wow
sure
okay
BUT
let’s do it at my place
tomorrow.”
and the judge is like “haha yes
finally that worked.”

the lady’s next stop is the grand vizier
advisor to the king, chief administrator, secret traitor, whatever
and before she can speak he stops her and he’s like “no no
don’t tell me
you’re here to touch my wiener.”
and she’s like “No I’m here to ask you to release my ‘brother’ from jail”
and the vizier is like “uh huh
like I said
you’re here to touch my wiener”

so the lady’s like “you know what
sure
whatever
BUT
let’s do it at my place
tomorrow.”
and the vizier is like “score
this is way easier than tinder”

the final stop on this shame-train is the sultan
so the lady walks in like “hello your majesty, I’m -”
and the sultan is like “NOT UNLESS YOU TOUCH MY WEINER”
and she’s like “OKAY FINE
BUT LET’S DO IT AT MY PLACE
TOMORROW.”
and the king is like “aw yeah
i still got it baby”

now I know what you’re thinking, dear reader
you’re thinking that this woman
has just set up the most high-powered surprise orgy of all time
but read on and you will see that what she is really planning
is in fact far far dumber than that.
You see, her next stop is a carpenter
and she’s like “Hey bro
can you build me a cabinet with four locking compartments
the compartments should be human-sized please”
and the carpenter is like “sure
that’ll be four gold please
unless …
…
…
DOT DOT DOT”
and she’s like “MY PLACE, TOMORROW.
And make it FIVE compartments.”

So the carpenter stays up all night making the cabinet
and then he crashes out and the lady takes it to her house
and gets all dressed up
just in time for the judge to arrive
and the judge is like “hey babe
I hope you’re ready to touch my wiener”
and she’s like “take off your clothes”
and he’s like “ooh okay”
and then she’s like “put on these shittier clothes”
and he’s like “uhh okay”
and then a knock comes at the door
and he’s like “who’s that?”
and she’s like “OH FUCK IT’S MY HUSBAND
GET IN THE BOTTOM COMPARTMENT OF THIS CABINET”
so he jumps in and she locks him inside
and then goes and lets the police chief in
who is like “knock knock
(who’s there?)
my wiener
(my wiener who?)
touch my wiener
please touch it”
(don’t hesitate to try this sweet pickup line on your next date)
but the lady is like “slow down there cowboy
first write me a letter of unconditional release for my ‘brother'”
and he’s like “done”
and she’s like “now take off your clothes and put on these shitty ones”
and he’s like “done
now about those wiener-touches…”
and she’s like “OH SHIT MY HUSBAND IS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR PLEASE HIDE”
and she locks him in the second compartment of the cabinet.

She pulls this EXACT SAME TRICK on the vizier, the sultan, AND the carpenter
(who really should know better because he built the damn cabinet)
despite the fact that the police chief ALREADY GAVE HER EVERYTHING SHE NEEDED
she straight up DOES NOT NEED TO IMPRISON ANYONE ELSE
so either she’s pioneering a medieval version of “to catch a predator”
or this is her idea of letting them down easy.

either way
once she has locked basically the whole government in a cabinet
(along with a carpenter)
she takes the letter to the treasurer
collects her boytoy
sells everyone’s fancy clothes
and skips town to avoid justice
leaving the sultan, the vizier, the chief of police and the judge
locked in a cabinet
FOR THREE DAYS
without food or water
until finally the carpenter gives up and pisses himself
and the piss drips on the sultan
who gives up and pisses on the vizier
who pisses on the police chief
who pisses on the judge.
it’s a whole piss party in this nasty cabinet
when a couple of the neighbors finally come over
because all the screaming is starting to disturb them
and when they figure out who’s in the cabinet
(and simultaneously solve the mystery
of why crime has gone totally unpunished for the last three days)
they bust them out
starving and covered in urine
to face the harsh light of a new day.
Then they all send for new clothes and go out for tacos.
Seriously
no consequences for anybody
other than the severe psychological trauma
of being locked in a mahogany piss-tub for half a week
but hey
that’s life?

So the moral of the story
is always take bribes in cash.
handjobs are not a fungible commodity.

the end.

So today I was just hanging out
you know
contemplating my mortality
and I was like man
it sure would be cool if I could cheat death
I wonder if there are any stories about that.
It turns out there are
there are a ton of stories about that
but this one is better so here it is:

One time in Baghdad
like, before it was shitty
there was this merchant with loads of dough
(I am using dough here to refer to money
although maybe he traded in actual dough too
I dunno
I’m a storyteller, not an economist)
and one day he is feeling pretty chill
so he tells his servant to go out to the market and get some brews.
The servant goes to the market alright
but he comes back WOEFULLY UN-BREWED
plus he is flipping the hell out
he is like “BOSS
BOSS
I just saw DEATH.
Like, the actual personification of death was walking through the market.
I ran into her
and she turned and saw me
and she was like ‘WHOA!
YOU!’
which is NOT A THING YOU WANT TO HEAR DEATH SAY
in fact I am pretty sure there is NOTHING I WANT TO HEAR DEATH SAY
I would MUCH PREFER if death was too far away for me to hear.
Boss, please
lemme borrow one of your horses
I am gonna ride all night to Samarra
which is really far away
so death will totally not find me.”
Now, this is a pretty bullshitty story
plus the servant’s endgame here isn’t clear
like, is he gonna come back to Baghdad once he’s no longer worried about death?
is he gonna hole up in a little cottage with “NO DETH ALLOWED” scrawled on a sign out front?
but the merchant is an economist, not a sorcerer
he doesn’t think about these obvious problems.
Instead he’s just like “Sure dude, I have a ton of horses
borrow one, I don’t care.
You’ve got some saved up PTO anyway.
Technically this might even count as medical leave.
Go nuts.”
and the servant is like “WAY AHEAD OF YOU”
and then he grabs a horse and rides as fast as he can to Samarra.

So once his servant is gone
along with his fastest horse
it finally occurs to the merchant that maybe he should check out the servant’s story
so he goes down to the marketplace
just kind of searching for somebody who looks like death
and what do you know, death’s still hanging out in the marketplace
having a burger
and the merchant is like “yo, death
what the fuck
why’d you threaten my employee?”
and death is like “lol
what?
You mean that dude from earlier?
I didn’t threaten him
I was just surprised to see him
BECAUSE I’M SUPPOSED TO MEET UP WITH HIM TONIGHT IN SAMARRA.”
and the merchant is like “Oh DAAAAAAAAAMN.”
and then he never gets his horse back.

The moral of the story is don’t lend your horses to people
horses are valuable and people are idiots.

The end.

So this whole time
while I’ve been telling you other stuff
and getting drunk and riding bikes and shit
this Scheherezade chick has NOT STOPPED TELLING STORIES
FOR REAL
Think of how many stories you would tell
if telling stories night after night was your only shot at survival
and then SEXTUPLE that number
because every character in every story Scheherezade tells
shares her pathological fixation on telling fucking stories
for real
it’s stories all the way down
more stories than two Shanghai Towers with a Burj Khalifa up their butt
what i am trying to convey to you with these words
is that this bitch tells her some TALES

But even Scheherezade gets tired of telling stories sometimes
actually especially her, because instead of sleeping she TELLS STORIES
so she asked me to fill in for her this week
and I cannot say no to a beautiful woman.
it is a problem.

SO THERE’S THIS HUNCHBACK
he is so drunk his blood is like 200% alcohol by volume
he is wandering around the street
banging his tambourine
being aggressively useless
because if there is one thing that sucks
it’s hunchbacks
(sorry hunchbacks, I have inherited Scheherezade’s somewhat insensitive attitude towards you
she is a clever lady
but she is not super enlightened
she is from the past)

Anyway this crook-spined bastard is making a racket outside this tailor’s shop
and the tailor is like oh boy
time to fuck with some hunchbacks
HEY BUDDY
WANNA COME OVER FOR FREE FOOD?
and the hunchback is like BLRUGHGHARHGH
I MEAN YES
THOSE PREVIOUS NOISES WERE JUST ME PURGING MY STOMACH
IN PREPARATION FOR RECEIVING YOUR FREE FOOD

so they have dinner
the tailor’s wife makes fish
but instead of observing traditional table etiquette
they stuff all the fish in the hunchback’s mouth
and then hold his mouth shut until he chokes to death
allegedly it was not their intention to make him die
but i’m not sure what else they were expecting to happen
either way he dies
and they’re like shit shit shit shit what do we do?
oh yeah
let’s frame a jewish guy

so they drag the body to this doctor’s office they know
and they tell his servant to go get the doctor because their friend is sick
and then they hide the body at the top of the doctor’s stairs and run away
the doctor comes SPRINTING out of his room
and kicks the carcass down the stairs
and then he’s like OH DANG
I JUST KICKED THAT DUDE DOWN THE STAIRS
THAT IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF PROPER DOCTORING
ONLY ONE THING TO DO:
FRAME A MUSLIM DUDE

so he and his wife drag the body onto the roof of the sultan’s secretary
and use a complex system of ropes and pulleys
to dangle their improvised corpse-puppet down inside the dude’s storeroom
which they happen to know has been getting pillaged by rats
and then the secretary comes home
goes into the storeroom
and is like AW HELL NO
I THOUGHT RATS WERE EATING MY FOOD
BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY A DEAD HUNCHBACK
ALLOW ME TO BEAT YOU WITH STICKS
OH SHIT YOU’RE DEAD
WHAT HAVE I DONE
…
TIME TO FRAME A CHRISTIAN DUDE

So he drags the body into the street and leaves it leaning against a wall
just outside this Christian dude’s house
and the next morning, the dude wakes up
hung over as hell
but it’s a Muslim holy day
so he doesn’t want anybody to see him hung over
and sentence him to death for it
(that’s a high-stakes hangover)
but he’s still a little fucked up from the night before
so he runs into the body
and the body falls on him
and he punches it in the face
and it falls over
and at first he’s like SHIT YEAH I’M A KUNG FU MASTER
but then he’s like OH NO THE POLICE
and the police are like OH YEAHHHHH

so they arrest him and take him to be executed
but right as they’re about to lop off his head
the sultan’s secretary runs up like NO NO NO KILL ME
I’M THE ONE WHO BEAT THE HUNCHBACK TO DEATH
and the executioner is like pfft, okay
but right as they’re about to lop off HIS head
the doctor runs up like NO NO NO KILL MEEEEEEEEE
I KICKED THAT DUDE DOWN SOME STAIRS
and the executioner is like sure whatever
as long as I get to kill somebody
BUT RIGHT AS THEY’RE ABOUT TO LOP OFF HIS HEAD
the tailor is suddenly overcome by guilt
and he runs up like GUYS GUYS GUYS
IF ANYBODY IS GOING TO BE KILLED
(and I sincerely hope nobody is going to be killed)
IT SHOULD TOTALLY BE ME
I “ACCIDENTALLY” FORCE-FED THIS GUY FISH UNTIL HE DIED
and the executioner is like well
as luck would have it
the punishment for that is also death

so the tailor is about to get killed
but it turns out the hunchback was the jester of some sultan
an that sultan suddenly gets curious what happened to his jester
and he finds out about this execution fiasco
and he’s like OMG LOL
THIS IS WAY FUNNIER THAN MY JESTER EVER WAS
BRING EVERYBODY TO MY HOUSE
WE GON PARTY
IT’S GONNA BE CRAY

so everyone goes over to the sultan’s house
dragging the body
and they all tell their stories again
plus the tailor tells a really long story about a barber
who happens to be in the neighborhood
so they bring the barber in
and the barber uses eldritch sorcery
(AKA the heimlich maneuver)
to bring the hunchback back to life
even though he’s been dead for a day and a half
because science!

so the moral of the story
is that killing people is okay
as long as it’s hilarious

the end

So in honor of thanksgiving just having happened
I thought I’d do a little story
from the arabian nights
because fuck you guys I can do what I want

So there’s this dude
Kamar Al Zaman
and Kamar al Zaman is more than just a dude with an awesome name
he’s a dude with an awesome name who is a PRINCE
and Prince Kamar Al Zaman has been doing some reading
and all of his reading has convinced him
that getting married is a sucker’s game
(mainly because Arabian writers of the time had some opinions about women)
but his dad is not on board with this never-getting-married scheme
because of the very real problems inherent in a patrilineal monarchy
so when his son is like NEVER GETTIN MARRIED
the sultan goes to his advisor and is like AHHH WHAT DO I DO
and the advisor is like chill out dude
just ask him again

so the sultan goes and asks his son to get married again
and his son is like DUDE
HAVE YOU EVEN READ THESE BOOKS I AM READING?
WOMEN ARE OBJECTIVELY HORRIBLE
WHY WOULD I WANT TO SIGN A CONTRACT THAT MAKES ME PERMANENTLY HAVE TO BE CLOSE TO ONE
and the king is like son
there is a reason those books are not picture books, is all i’m gonna say
and his son is like WHATEVER DAD YOU DON’T CONTROL ME

so the sultan goes back to his vizier and is like okay dude
what’s the plan
and the vizier is like take it easy dude
all you gotta do is ask him AGAIN
but this time
do it in front of a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE
then he will be too embarrassed to say no

so that’s what the king does
he invites all his friends over and then he tells his son to come in
and he’s like hey son, any idea when you’re gonna start getting married?
and his son is like GOD, DAD
I ALREADY TOLD YOU:
WOMEN ARE HORRIBLE SOUL-VAMPIRES
PLUS
YOU ALREADY ASKED ME THIS SAME FUCKING QUESTION TWICE
AND I TOLD YOU MY ANSWER TWICE
WHAT ARE YOU, SIMPLE?

so obviously the sultan’s plan to embarrass his son has totally backfired
and he does the only thing he can do in the situation
which is to put his son under house arrest in a tower as punishment
because if your problem is that your son isn’t marrying anybody
the only logical solution is to wall him away in a tower far from ALL WOMEN
unless …
unless the plan is to make him so lonely and horny that he will welcome soul vampirism as an antidote
in which case
nice one, king

whatever the king’s plan is, we don’t get a chance to come out
because this is about when genies start showing up
the prince has cried himself to sleep
and he’s lying in bed
when this genie comes in
just cause genies like breaking into houses and shit
and she’s like WHOAH
HOLY SHIT
THIS HAS GOT TO BE
THE HOTTEST SLAB OF MAN-BACON I HAVE EVER LAID MY MAGICAL EYES ON
IF I HAD A DONG IT WOULD HAVE JUST TAKEN OUT THAT STONE WALL THERE WITH A PROJECTILE ERECTION
I GOTTA GO TELL THE OTHER GENIES

so she’s flying along
while visions of hot dudes dance in her head
when she runs face-first into another genie coming from China
and she’s like HEY GENIE FRED
GENIE FRED
I JUST SAW THE SEXIEST HUMAN IN THE WORLD
and Genie Fred
(not actually his name)
is like no
you did not
because the hottest human in the world is over in china
and you seem to be coming from exactly the wrong direction

so naturally the two genies get into a huge fight over this
and finally the first genie takes the second genie down to the prince’s room
and she’s like eh? eh?
and fred is like yawn
I mean
he’s pretty hot and everything
but I’m not really into dudes
this chick I just saw in china
(who, conveniently, has been locked up by her parents after refusing to marry)
was so bo-damn-dacious
she might just turn you gay
and the female genie is like well I have always wanted to be gay
let’s roll

so they go check out the Chinese princess
whose name is Budur
and opinions are similarly split
so they decide that the only way to settle this
is with a side-by-side comparison

normally this would be a problem
but in this case genies are involved
so they grab the prince
and they bring him to china
and they put him in the princess’s bed with her
and they look at them side by side
but they STILL can’t agree on who’s hotter
but they have an idea:
they’re gonna wake up one of these two hotties at a time
and whoever is more excited about the other’s bod
that’s the one who loses

so they wake up the prince first
and he is naturally very excited to be in bed with a total babe
so he’s all caressing her
and murmuring all manner of sweet nothings into her ear canals
but he keeps himself kind of under control
because he’s a nice dude at heart
and he doesn’t feel right about getting all rapey on the prettiest girl in the universe

but then the genies knock him out
and wake up the princess
and the first genie
well, she’s really hypercompetitive
so what she does is she turns into a flea and bites Budur right on her inner thigh
which Budur apparently mistakes for sexual arousal
and so has none of the rape-related qualms harbored by her male counterpart
she’s all grinding on him
and making out with his asleep face
and putting her signet ring on his finger
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
until finally the genies are like okay enough go back to sleep

the winner is pretty clear at this point
so having settled that matter
they pick up the prince and take him back to his castle
and the two lovers wake up in the morning like AAAAA WHERE IS MY HOTNESS

I mean, don’t worry
eventually they figure out who each other are
even though they don’t have the internet or anything
and it’s great and heartwarming
but it’s also fucking boring
so let’s just leave it there

because see what’s really important to remember here
is that women find insect bites to be highly arousing
so fellas
maybe don’t wash those filthy bedsheets after all
TRUST ME

So King Shahryar is busy killin’ ladies every day
he goes through a thousand ladies like tissue paper
and then one day he sends his Wazir out to get a fresh babe
and the Wazir can find NO BABES AT ALL
(A wazir is a dude whose job it is to find babes
This wazir is apparently not very good at his job)
So the Wazir is like oh shit oh shit oh shit
there are only two virgin babes left in the town
presumably because the king killed half
and the other one did the smart thing
and got knocked up before they could get abducted
(PREMARITAL SEX:
IT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE)
and those two virgin babes
ARE MY DAUGHTERS
OHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIT

and that is not all my friends
because who are this Wazir’s two daughters?
Oh, just some chick named Dunyazade
and her sister
SCHEHEREZADE
so you know shit’s about to get real
cause i told you it was gonna get real earlier.

So the wazir comes home like hey sorry babes you are gonna get killed
and Scheherezade is like oh that’s cool
I was kinda tired of living anyway
and her dad is like WAIT NO
ACTUALLY I DON’T WANT THAT
YOU’RE MY DAUGHTER AND STUFF
and Scheherezade is like dude chill out
I have a plan
and her dad is like FOOLISH DAUGHTER
WOMEN CAN’T MAKE PLANS
HERE
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT HOW ANIMALS CAN TALK AND YOU SHOULD BEAT YOUR WIFE
and then he finishes telling the story and he’s like WOMAN
IF YOU DECIDE TO GO SEX UP THE SHAH
I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU LIKE THAT DUDE BEAT HIS WIFE
and Scheherezade is like nah dude you’re bluffing
and the wazir is like FUCK.
FINE.

So he goes over to the Shah and he’s like hey man
I uh
had a little trouble procuring babes today
and the king is like TROUBLE PROCURING BABES?
BUT
BUT THAT’S YOUR JOB.
And the Wazir is like yeah i know man
but it turns out babes are not a renewable resource
or at least not renewable at the speed you are disposing of them
you may have noticed that I seemed to be scraping the bottom of the barrel yesterday
when I brought you a vaguely feminine lump covered in barnacles
and the shah is like AH YES I REMEMBER IT WELL
OL’ BARNACLE-TITS.
(this is not a real part of this story
but then again this story is not real so suck it)
so the Wazir manages to get his mind off those barnacle tits
and he’s like okay Shahryar, I have a plan though
I am going to give you my daughter Scheherezade
and the king is like WHAT?
I mean, your daughter is EMINENTLY BONABLE
I could play a sweet bongo solo on that bodacious bum of hers
but we had a deal, dude
you were in charge of procuring babes
and in return any babes that came out of you were specifically off limits
and the Wazir is like I KNOW
BUT SCHEHEREZADE REALLY WANTS UP ON YOUR DONG
and Shahryar is like okay
but need I also remind you
that after I bang your daughter
I am going to kill her
because I still haven’t gotten over that thing with my wife?
and the wazir is like I KNOW
BUT SHE REALLY WANTS UP ON THAT
and Shahryar is like WELL IN THAT CASE
TITS AHOY
A THOUSAND TITS DELICIOUS

So the next night, Scheherezade gets an exclusive invite to the palace
and she shows up all decked out
and she snuggles up into the king’s bed with him
and she begins to
cry?!
and the king is like aw come on
I know I’m gonna kill you tomorrow and everything
but I got my dick out here
and I’m moving it around
and could you get over your impending doom long enough to do things to it?
and Scheherezade is like yeah ok
but could you bring my sister in here first
and Shahryar is like ooh
kinky
yeah, I can do that
so he brings Dunyazade in here
who is not so bad-looking herself
and the text is a little bit hazy on this point
so let me do a little line-by-line translation for you:

“So he sent at once for Dunyazade
and she came and kissed the ground between his hands,”
probably actually his dick

when he permitted her to take her seat near the foot of the couch.
then he was like ‘alright, now you get to watch while I do your sister’

Then the King arose and did away with his bride’s maidenhead
then he did her sister

and the three fell asleep.
tell me that’s not weird

so even if there wasn’t a crazy incestuous threesome going on
and I am NOT dismissing that possibility
at the very least, Scheherezade and Dunyazade have kind of a weird relationship
but I guess you do some crazy shit when you’re trying not to die
cause then what happens
is that all three of them wake up in the middle of the night
and instead of having more sex
Dunyazade starts bugging Scheherezade to tell her a story
and the king is like ooh, storytime!
and then Scheherezade starts telling this story
but she DOESN’T QUITE FINISH IT
because now it’s morning
and she’s like oh man
looks like I’m gonna die now
and you’re never gonna hear the end of the story
and the king is like AW HELL NO
YOU ARE NOT GETTING AWAY THAT EASILY
I AM TEMPORARILY POSTPONING YOUR MURDER
SO YOU CAN TELL ME THE REST OF THE STORY
and this continues
with her telling another story
and another and another
until a thousand nights have passed
at which point the king is like alright you win
I am hereby postponing your murder FOREVER
because that is just way too many stories
and anyway if I kill you
these threesomes will not be nearly as interesting.

So the moral of the story
is that no matter who you are
or how bad things get
the secret to success is

oh
but it’s getting late
I’ll tell you tomorrow.

I’ve put this one off long enough.

Okay, so I figure you probably already know a little about Scheherazade
the badass chick who eludes decapitation for a thousand nights straight
by being TOO ENTERTAINING TO KILL
I’ll get to that part in a minute.
Right now, lemme tell you about why there is a dude randomly killing his wives in the first place.

Okay so back in the back in the day
there was this great job you could get
called Shah
which is a really posh-sounding way of saying “big-times king dude”
and these guys had all the hookups
they had so many hookups
that they had to invent strict militaristic protocols
JUST FOR INVITING EACH OTHER TO PARTIES.
Our story begins with just such an invitation

So King Shahryar
who is such a king that he has Shah AND King RIGHT IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME
gets a hankering for a party
so he sends an invite to his bro Shah Zaman
like “dude
you should bring about a million white slaves”
(he specifies that the slaves have to be white for some reason
probably because he has so many hookups
that he can even afford to color coordinate his slaves
and black slaves just wouldn’t have matched the drapes he had up.
PS: the word for white slave is Mameluke
which I cannot read without thinking Marmeduke
so I am just imagining these massive battalions of dopey great danes
stealing hamburgers and comically injuring their owners.
woo, tangent)
uh where was I
oh yeah
King Shahryar was writing a letter
“DEAR BRO
BRING DEM BITCHES OVER HERE WE GON HAVE A GOOD OL FASHIONED MIDDLE-EASTERN HOOTENANY”
so naturally his bro comes running
but it is hard to run amidst about a million dopey great danes
and anyway he forgot his wallet at home
so he runs back inside to grab it and OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
he has been gone like TEN MINUTES and his wife is ALREADY BONING SOME DUDE
and to make matters worse
(given that this is a society of dudes who obsessively color-coordinate their slaves)
the dude his wife is boning is BLACK
and he works as a COOK
and Shah Zaman is like WHAT THE FUCK, WIFE
I PICKED OUT THOSE SHEETS TO COMPLIMENT MY SKIN TONE
THIS IS A FASHION DISASTER
and then he chops both of them in half
and walks back outside like nothing is happening
because he does not want to buzzkill the party

but he’s a major buzzkill anyway
because by the time he arrives at Shahryar’s place he is SICK WITH GRIEF
and he doesn’t want to do anything
he doesn’t want to have fat feasts
he does not want to go out hunting
what he wants to do is sit in his tent and pine his ass off
so finally his bro is like “fuck it, man
I’m going hunting.
you can sad yourself to death in your room or whatever”

so Shah Zaman is alone in the castle
and he goes wandering around
and he happens to catch a glimpse of Shahryar’s wife going into the pleasure garden
which is the kind of garden you have if you are a Shah
and he’s like whoah, my brother’s wife is pretty hot
let’s watch secretly to see if she takes off her top
AND SHE DOES
along with TEN OF HER SUPER HOT LADIES IN WAITING
and TEN MARMADUKES
and then she claps her hands
and this crazy looking black dude jumps out of a tree and sexes her ALL DAY LONG
and Shah Zaman is like whoah
I am totally cheered up now
number one, that was totally hot
and number 2,
my brother is getting fucked over WAY MORE than I got fucked over.
AWESOME.

So when Shahryar gets home he’s like whoah
who turned off the sadknob all of a sudden
wait
did somebody turn your sad-knob?
like
your penis, I mean?
like did somebody touch your penis?
was it my wife?
DID YOU FUCK MY WIFE?
and Shah Zaman is like no dude, even better
I watched like twelve dogs and a crazy black dude fuck your wife
and Shahryar is like THIS IS TERRIBLE
and Shah Zaman is like well yeah sorta
but it totally helped me get over dismembering my own wife for doing a similar thing
and Shahryar is like well it looks like it all worked out in the end
NO WAIT
NOTHING IS ALRIGHT IN THE END
BECAUSE THE END I QUESTION IS MY WIFE’S END
AND EVERYTHING IS IN IT
AND NOTHING IS ALRIGHT ABOUT THAT
and Shah Zaman is like bro chill out
you know what you need?
A vacation
let’s go to the beach.

So they go to the beach
and they’re chilling out trying to forget about their terrible wives
when all of a sudden SHAZAAM
a genie busts out of the water
(this kinda shit is always happening in Arabia
place is lousy with genies)
anyway, both kings hide in a tree
and they watch this genie bust out an INCREDIBLY HOT CHICK
and go on and on about how sexy virtuous she is
and how he’s so glad he stole her from some dude she was gonna marry
and blah blah blah and then he goes to sleep on her lap
and as soon as the genie is asleep
the chick wiggles out from under him
and she looks up in the tree and she’s like “yo
you two
come down her and have sex with me”
and they’re like “Uh…
we totally want to and everything
but that genie would definitely kill us if we did that”
and the chick is like “No, listen to me
what is going to happen
is you are going to come down here and have sex with me
OR
I am going to wake up this genie and THEN he will kill you.”
And Shahryar is like “Go for it, bro
she’s all yours
I’m a married man
whereas you have recently bisected your wife
you go ahead and get firsties
I will stay up in this tree and contemplate sloppy seconds”
and Shah Zaman is like “Dude this is WAY sketchy
and it’s not like your wife is being faithful to YOU.
YOU go first.”
and the chick is like “Oh my god I cannot believe what I am hearing
I’ve got my tits out down here
getting cold in the seabreeze
and you two anticocks are up in a palm tree playing “who can get the least laid”
need I remind you that I have a genie
who will KILL you
if you do not begin rubbing my ladyparts IMMEDIATELY.”
And it’s hard to argue with a hot chick who has a genie
so they doubleteam her
and then she robs them
and they walk away feeling pretty filthy
but also they got laid so it’s not so bad.

Anyway, this genie doubleteam experience
is the icing on the misogyny cake that these two dudes have been baking
so when Shahryar gets home
he murders his wife
murders all her slaves
and then resolves to marry a new woman
have sex with her
and then murder her
EVERY SINGLE DAY
for the rest of his life
and he manages to keep this up for a thousand days
but THAT’S when Scheherazade comes in.

TO BE CONTINUED.

ok so there’s this fisherman

for some reason he has a habit of only casting his net four times a day
so one day he’s casting his net
and it’s like straight out of a bugs bunny cartoon
dude is pulling up old boots
big jars full of sand
tin cans
whatever
and he’s about to cast his net one last time
and he’s all HEY ALLAH
YOU KNOW HOW YOU’RE ALL-MERCIFUL AND JUNK?
HOW ABOUT I CATCH SOME FISH NOW OK?
and then he casts his net and comes up with a magic lamp
and he’s like ALLAH THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR
but thanks I guess?

so I know what you’re thinking
what makes this thing a magic lamp
as opposed to just a regular old lamp?
first of all, it’s SUPER heavy
and as we all know
heaviness = magic
whales are the wizards of the ocean
second of all
it has a lead seal in the spout
marked with the SEAL OF KING SOLOMON
pretty heavy shit
now you would think that if King Solomon wanted this lamp to stay all constipated
it might be a good idea to keep that plug in there
but apparently this fisherman took a few levels in supreme idiocy
because he just digs out his pocketknife and opens that fucker up
i don’t know what he thinks he’s going to find
tiny rubies?
really heavy popcorn?
well what he actually finds is a MOTHERFUCKING GENIE
and the genie is all like hey dude thanks for rescuing me
gonna kill you now
and the fisherman is like whoa what the fuck
why
and the Genie is like well
king solomon imprisoned me in this lamp CENTURIES ago
and for a while i was down there at the bottom of the ocean all like
man whoever releases me is gonna get 3 wishes
and then as time went by i was like ok whoever lets me out is gonna get FIFTY wishes
and then i got bitter and decided to use murder instead of wishes
so i guess this is just a case of bad timing huh?
and the fisherman is like THAT MAKES NO SENSE
I JUST RESCUED YOU FROM A GODDAMN LAMP
and the genie’s like sorry dude
I promised myself I was gonna murder somebody and I don’t wanna let myself down
and the dude is like hold on wait a second
you’re telling me you
a grown-ass genie
were imprisoned in that tiny bottle for several centuries?
and the genie is like yeah what of it
and the man is like i don’t believe you
and the genie is like YOU JUST SAW ME COME OUT OF THE FUCKING BOTTLE
and the man is like bullshit
I saw nothing
prove it
and the genie is like FINE I’LL PROVE IT
and he gets back in the bottle
LIKE AN IDIOT
and the fisherman puts the cork back in
TA DA

now that could have been the end of the story
but of course then the genie starts being a whiny little bitch
and being like please release me dude
I will totally hook you up with some sweet loot
and instead of seriously bargaining with the genie or anything
the dude is basically just like ok i guess we’re even now
and lets him out
and the genie is like alright dude
lemme show you this bitchin’ lake I know about

so they go to the lake
and the fisherman dude casts his net
and he gets FOUR FISH
not a lot of fish by any standard
definitely not enough fish to justify releasing a fucking MURDEROUS GENIE
but they are in some pretty bitchin colors
red, yellow, green and blue
and the genie is like take these to the sultan
it will be great I promise

so the fisherman takes the fish to the sultan
and the sultan buys them off him for like 500 bucks
which is pretty sweet
and then he gives them to some chick to cook
but when she tries to cook them
some other random chick BUSTS THROUGH THE FUCKING WALL LIKE THE KOOL-AID MAN
SAYS SOMETHING TO THE FISHES ABOUT AN ANCIENT PROMISE
THEN THE FISH START FUCKING TALKING
and by the time that’s all over dinner is ruined
but unfortunately the cooking chick is the only one who saw that shit happen
so when the vizier walks in she’s just standing there with 4 burnt tropical fish
like uh
magic?
so the Vizier is like BULLSHIT
I GOTTA SEE THIS FOR MYSELF

so they send for the fisherman
and he gets them 4 more fish for 500 more bucks
and they try this shit again
and the SAME SHIT HAPPENS
except this time it’s a black dude who busts down the wall
and then the vizier tells the sultan
and they’ve gotta do the whole thing AGAIN for HIM
so the fisherman is making some serious cheddar off of this
until the sultan sees what’s going on and is like ALRIGHT
GO GET THE FISHERMAN
TELL HIM TO TAKE US TO THIS FUCKED UP LAKE
and the fisherman is like dammit genie
i really would have preferred a couple of nice simple wishes
a gold cock and a swimming pool full of blowjobs or something
whatever
i’m sure i could have come up with something better than a fucking magic lake
that i have to walk to every day and then sell worthless magic fish to the king

but anyway the sultan and all his dudes camp by this lake
and they hear about how there’s like a castle up in the mountains or something
so the sultan tells his Wazir
(a wazir is basically like an ultimate butler that only sultans get)
to not let anybody into his tent and tell everybody he is asleep
while meanwhile he sneaks into the mountains to see whats up

so up in the mountains is this really sweet castle with no one in it
except this one really sad dude whose legs are made out of stone
and the sultan is like dude what the fuck is wrong with your legs
and the guy is like WELL LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
basically i was the king and my wife was a twank
and she kept drugging me to go bone this gross leper
so i got pissed off and hit the leper with my sword
but it’s ok
i only severed half his neck and most of his veins
but then it wasn’t ok because for like THREE YEARS my wife mourned over him
and built a fucking shrine for him in the castle
and finally tricked me into admitting I stabbed him
and then got real pissed at me and turned my legs to stone
and turned everyone in the kingdom into fish
color-coded according to their religious beliefs
and turned the islands the kingdom was on into mountains
and moved the whole place like a year’s journey east
yeah it seems like a lot of effort huh
i guess she was pretty pissed?
and every day she whips me a whole bunch
and then goes and tries to feed that leper dude some soup

and the sultan is like fuuuuuuck man
lemme help you out real quick
so he goes into the tent where the leper dude is
and he stabs him and chucks him in a well
then he puts on all his clothes and gets into his grossnasty bed
and when the witch chick comes in in the morning he’s like HEY HONEY I CAN TALK NOW
oh by the way the leper is also a black dude
and at this point the sultan does a pretty racist caricature of black dude talkin’
which i think both the original author and the 19th century translator
thought was HILARIOUS
but which in retrospect is actually pretty tame
anyway he’s like HEY LADY
YOU KNOW WHY I HAVEN’T RECOVERED YET?
NOT BECAUSE OF THE HIDEOUS WOUND IN MY NECK
BUT BECAUSE YOUR STONE-LEGGED HUSBAND IS SO MISERABLE AND HE CRIES ALL THE TIME
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TURN HIS LEGS INTO LEGS INSTEAD OF ROCKS
and the witch chick is like right away loverboy
and so she does it and comes back
and the sultan is like OH YEAH I FORGOT
I AM ALSO GETTING ALL KINDS OF BOTHERED BY HOW EVERYONE IS FISH
AND HOW THE ISLANDS ARE MOUNTAINS AND STUFF
MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIX THAT
and the witch is like sure no problem
so she does
at which point the sultan runs out of crafty ploys and just stabs her in the chest
and then throws her in the well
and the day is saved!

so now they’re suddenly a whole year away from home
on account of magic
but no one gives a fuck because the day is saved and whatnot
the stone-leg dude becomes the sultan’s adopted son
and they spend a year getting back to the sultan’s crib
miraculously unharmed by its ruler having been gone for well over a year
and then the sultan hits up the fisherman like yo
thank you for uh
for instigating some ridiculous good times?
been a long time since I’ve had a good excuse to fling some corpses into some wells
here
let me marry your daughter right quick
then i will marry your other daughter to this adopted son I have
and then i’ll make your son the mayor or something
and the fisherman is like SWEET
i guess it all worked out in the end

so the moral of the story is
not all genies grant wishes
some grant clusterfucks

THE END.

Okay so there’s this merchant
(speaking of merchants DID YOU BUY A SHIRT YET?)
he’s got this sweet deal going on with Allah
where he gets to understand what animals are saying all the time
but if he tells anybody about it he dies
which honestly is about as good a deal as you can expect to get from any god anywhere
most of the time the deal is more like you get to have everything you love taken away
and if you complain about it you die
so already this merchant dude is pretty hooked up
but so then one day
this dude is hanging around some farm he owns
and he hears his bull talking to his butt
oh whoops sorry I meant ASS
so yeah the bull is like hey ass
why you get to live such a posh fucking life all the time
dudes all keepin’ your stable clean and feeding you gourmet ass-grass
you get pampered all the way down the red satin carpet to the infinity limo
you know what I get?
I get beat with STICKS
I wake up at FIVE AM
they put some wood shit on my neck
and they’re like OY
WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE FOR LIKE A MILLION HOURS
and if I don’t then they brutalize me with whips made out of the SKINS OF MY FAMILY
but at least after all that I get to sit down and have a fat meal right?
WRONG
I GET TO EAT DRY BEANS AND COWSHIT
IF WHAT I AM EATING IS ALREADY SHIT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SHIT IT OUT
RIDDLE ME THAT DONKEY
RIDDLE ME THAT
and the donkey is like whoa dude chill out
you know what your problem is?
you’re an idiot
here’s what you do:
nothing
just sit on your distended belly and refuse to be a productive member of society
they’ll assume you’re sick and then BAM
PAID COW VACATION AHOY
and the cow is like whoa shit thanks man
and proceeds to do EXACTLY WHAT THE DONKEY TOLD HIM TO DO

here’s the problem
crafty ploys like this only work
when the person you are pranking has not OVERHEARD YOUR ENTIRE PLAN
so when the merchant gets wind of what’s going down
he’s just like no problem guys
just hook the donkey up to the plow and beat HIM with sticks
and so the following day
the donkey gets put through the most inhumane deathmarch possible
and he gets home in the evening like well thanks allah
thanks for this great fucking reward I get for giving my friend some advice
now I gotta fuck him over or live through my own personal trail of tears
so he’s like hey cow
COW
and the cow’s like oh shit sorry man
I couldn’t hear you over all this hedonistic pleasure I am indulging myself in
and the donkey is like dude I got the inside scoop
the merchant is totally gonna have you slaughtered if you don’t start being not sick
my advice is to immediately start prancing all the fuck everywhere
and the bull is like gee man you are so good at advice thank you so much
and proceeds to win the all around male cow’s breakdancing competition
in an attempt to convince everyone that he is super healthy and should not be killed
which of course causes the merchant to laugh his ass all the way off
and then his wife comes over like hey honey where’s your ass and why are you laughing
and he’s like HAHAHAHA OH MAN I’M SORRY BUT I CAN’T TELL YOU
and his wife is like well fuck that
tell me
and the merchant is like HAHAHA NO IF I TELL YOU I’LL DIE
and his wife is like dude seriously not cool
what’s so funny
and the merchant is like no seriously
I heard some animals saying some really funny shit
but if I tell you what it was then Allah will kill me
that’s the deal
that’s the deal I made
and his wife is like i don’t give a fuck what kind of deal you made with Allah
you tell me that funny joke RIGHT NOW
note that it’s not that his wife doesn’t believe what he’s telling her
it’s just that she can’t be arsed to care
and the merchant starts freaking out
he’s like are you serious woman?
i just explained to you
I am going to die
i mean it was some pretty funny shit but it’s not like a matter of life and death
and his wife is like I DON’T EVEN GIVE HALF A FUCK
IF YOU DON’T TELL ME RIGHT NOW I AM REVOKING YOUR SEASON TICKETS TO MY MEAT CAVE
and the merchant is like well if that’s the way it’s gonna be
lemme just invite over all our relatives so I can draw up my will
before you force me to kill myself over this fucking joke i heard

so all their relatives come over
and by the way
they share a lot of relatives
seeing as they are cousins and that is totally cool and don’t even worry about it
and all the relatives are like LADY PLEASE RECONSIDER
IT’S JUST A FUCKING JOKE WHY ARE YOU SO COMMITTED TO THIS?
and the wife is like I LIVE ON A GODDAMN FARM
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT A PRECIOUS COMMODITY JOKES ARE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD?
I HAVEN’T SEEN ANYONE SO MUCH AS SLIP ON A FUCKING BANANA PEEL IN LIKE A YEAR
and the merchant is like well alright
let’s go ahead and get this over with
but first I gotta go take a wicked dump in the outhouse
brb

so he’s sitting in the outhouse taking a shit
and outside he hears one of his dogs bust into the chicken coop
all like WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WHY AREN’T YOU GUYS MOURNING
OUR MASTER’S WRETCHED HARPY WIFE IS ABOUT TO FORCE HIM TO KILL HIMSELF
FOR NO GOOD REASON
and the rooster is like oh that?
bitch please
if that motherfucker can’t handle his one wife properly he deserves to die
look at me
I got fifty hoes IN THE SAME AREA CODE
FIFTY
and you know what else I got?
ninety-nine problems
NONE OF WHICH ARE AT ALL RELATED TO BITCHES
in fact you know what
I don’t even have any problems at all
my life is great
I rule this henhouse with an iron fist and get laid ceaselessly while doing it
and the dog is like shit man
what’s your secret
and the rooster is like two words:
merciless
beatings
and the merchant hears this and he’s like MERCILESS BEATINGS?
WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT
IT’S PURE GENIUS
so he wipes his ass with a passing hen
grabs some branches off the local mulberry tree
and runs inside like HEY WIFE
COME INTO THIS PRIVATE ROOM SO I CAN TELL YOU MY SECRET IN PRIVATE PRIVATELY
and she’s like ok sure
and then he proceeds to BEAT HER VIOLENTLY FOR HOURS
like PRETTY FUNNY JOKE HUH?
HUH?
YEAH THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO ASK QUESTIONS
and his wife is like FUUUUCK I’M SORRY
I’LL NEVER ASK YOU ANY QUESTIONS EVER AGAIN
and the husband is like OH MAN AWESOME
FROM NOW ON MY ENTIRE FAMILY LIFE WILL BE PREDICATED ON RUTHLESS BEATINGS
THANKS, ROOSTER!

so the moral of the story is
is if you’re at your wit’s end and you don’t know what to do
ask your cock
and if you don’t have one then i’m sorry
but I really don’t think the authors of this myth had your well-being in mind

THE END

alright so Sinbad has just gotten back from risking his life 3 times
he has all this money and his financial security is more or less assured
so what time is it?
BOOZE AND WHORES TIME OF COURSE
and he wakes up some morning
all covered in confetti with his legs wrapped around a transvestite orangutan
and he is like oh shit where is all my money
I GUESS I BETTER GO RISK MY LIFE AGAIN

so he gets some merchandise and he gets on a boat
and there is a totally predictable storm
and BAM now they are all washed up on some island
but it is okay because here come some naked dudes
who invite them to have some really gross food
and sinbad is like ew this food is gross
but everyone else is like YUM YUM YUM
and they just keep eating it
and being really disgusting
and getting fat and stupid like fat stupid cows
and then the naked dudes eat them
but when it becomes clear that Sinbad is not going to become a fat stupid cow
everyone kind of forgets about him
and he wanders off
you know
starving to death
and some other dudes who are not naked or cannibals find him
and they are like dude come chill with us in our sweet kingdom
and the king is like holy shit your stories are AMAZING
lemme hook you up with some bitches and riches right quick
and suddenly Sinbad is A RICH MARRIED MOTHERFUCKER

but oh shit what is this
apparently there is a custom here where if your spouse dies
you get buried alive with their corpse
so you can starve to death and be sad AT THE SAME TIME
EFFICIENT
and what do you know
Sinbad’s wife dies
so everyone is like get the fuck in the hole asshole
and he is like i don’t wanna
and they’re like tough tits sugarlumps
and they chuck him in the pit
along with 7 days worth of food and water for some reason
and he decides to make that shit last AS LONG AS POSSIBLE
and then pretty soon some other poor chick gets lowered into the pitcave
to die of starvation with her dead husband
and she is like OH GOD PLEASE KILL ME
and Sinbad is like SURE NO PROBLEM
and beats her to death with a skeleton and steals her food
he does this OVER AND OVER AGAIN
and people give him MONEY FOR DOING IT
and that is how he survives
until eventually he finds a tunnel to the outside and a ship picks him up
and they give him even more sweet treasure and he goes back to Baghdad

so he gets back to Baghdad and he is like hm shit
every time i do one of these voyages i have to endure horrible tortures
and i almost die a lot
maybe i should stop doing voyages
OH WHOOPS LOOKS LIKE MY LOVE OF BOOZE AND WHORES OUTWEIGHS MY DESIRE TO KEEP LIVING
ADVENTURE AHOYYYYYYYYY
BUT WAIT
I’M NOT RISKING ENOUGH IN THIS ADVENTURE
HOW ABOUT I BUY A SHIP THIS TIME
SO THAT WHEN WE INEVITABLY ENCOUNTER A STORM I WILL LOSE EVEN MORE MONEY
so that is what he does
and he gets a crew
and they set off
and pretty much immediately Sinbad’s crew starts fucking up
because they stop on some island and they see another one of those huge rukh eggs
and they are like well we are suicidally reckless
how about we throw rocks at this thing til it breaks
then kill the baby
then steal its meat
this will surely not upset the GIANT BIRDPARENTS
so they come back to sinbad like hey bro want some chicken
and Sinbad is like YOU IDIOTS
YOU UNAPOLOGETIC SACKS FULL OF FREEBASED STUPIDITY
and then Rukhs show up and totally ruin the ship with rocks and nonsense
but Sinbad survives obviously
and he wakes up on some island
and he dicks around for a while until he finds some old man
and the old man is mute but he is basically like dude gimme a piggy back ride
and Sinbad is like well shit what else am i gonna do
so he picks this dude up
and all of a sudden the dude is like YAHHH BITCH
except he doesn’t say it with his words
he says it with FURIOUS KICKS TO THE CHEST
and this goes on for DAYS
until finally sinbad is like fuck this
I’m going to hollow out some pumpkins
fill them with grapes
and make WINE
so i will still be miserable
but at least i will be SHITFACED AS WELL
and he starts gettin tipsay
and the old man is like what the fuck is this
and sinbad is like i have been drinking my friend
would you like some booze
and the dude is like YESSSSSSS
and he has never had any drunksauce before so he gets WASTED
and eventually falls off Sinbad and sinbad chokes him to death
and then gets picked up by some dudes who are like whoa
you just killed the old man of the sea
good job

but wait
Sinbad can’t go home yet
he hasn’t made his booze and whores allowance yet
so they go to some island called the island of the apes
because there are apes and everyone has to sleep on boats at night
otherwise the apes with fuck them to death
if it was me i would probably just use the boats to FIND A DIFFERENT ISLAND
but anyway Sinbad gets lost and everyone forgets about him
and he’s like FUCK now i am stranded
but it’s okay because he is the ULTIMATE BUSINESSMAN
and he pretty much just makes a fortune selling coconuts
and then another ship comes and they make a whole shitload of money
and then he goes home and settles down for some sweet whoretimes

although actually
i think he might have a family at this point?
I don’t know when he had time to start a family
with all the boozing and whoring
and i don’t know where he puts his family while he repeatedly disappears for years
but he’s got one and he’ll be damned if he’s going to leave again
oh wait that’s a lie
he totally leaves again

so he gets on some other boat
which just immediately sinks
and then he gets washed up on an island with a bunch of other dudes
and there are all these other ships washed up there
with sweet mounds of cash piled up everywhere
and also big barrels of beef jerky
but the beef jerky has gone bad apparently
because everyone gets fever and dies
one by one
except sinbad
who instead of dying builds a raft
covers it with riches
and sails down some river he finds
which leads him through a cave and into this really sweet kingdom

so he wakes up in this sweet kingdom
and some dudes are like whoa where did you come from
and Sinbad tells them his story
and they are like WHOA
THAT IS ONE BADASS STORY
OUR KING HAS GOT TO HEAR THIS
man
i wish we still lived in an era
where someone might find me passed out on the sidewalk
and then i might tell them a really sweet story
and then they might take me to see the president
but anyway the king is totally all about sinbad
he gives him tons of cash and whatnot
but finally sinbad is like i gots to get home
and the king is like well ok give this incredibly valuable goblet to your king
along with a really nice letter i wrote
and Sinbad is like that is really nice of you
and then he goes home with a ton of money and NO FURTHER PROBLEMS

so then he’s at home for a while
and he is seriously prepared to not have to engage in any more bullshit EVER
but then the king of Baghdad or whatever calls him up like dude
that was a very pleasant letter you brought me
I want to send a thankyou note
and YOU ARE JUST THE MAN FOR THE JOB
and Sinbad is like well really dude I would rather not
and the king is like FUCKING DO IT YOU PIECE OF SHIT
and Sinbad is like sure dude ok
so he takes a thankyou note to the other king
and everything is going great
until he is heading back home and OH GUESS WHAT SOME PIRATES ATTACK
and then they sell sinbad into slavery
but his master is a pretty okay dude
he just has him clean up the house a little bit
oh yeah and POACH ELEPHANTS WITH A GODDAMN BOW AND ARROW
yeah Sinbad has to sit in a tree all day every day
shooting elephants in the head with arrows
until one day the elephants get sick of his shit
and knock over the tree
and drag him to a bigass pit full of elephant bones
like dude
there is so much ivory over here
why you gotta keep murdering us man
and then sinbad tells his master about that
and his master hooks him up with sweet bling of all sorts
and sets him free
and he gets on a boat and he gets some pearls too
and probably just a whole deluge of unspeakable riches
really it doesn’t even matter at this point
the idea i am getting
is that sinbad could eat nothing but gold coins pure cocaine for the rest of time
and it would not be a problem
seriously this dude is rich as fuck
and the story ends with him inviting the dude he has been telling this story to
(Sinbad the Landsman, remember?)
to just come live in his palace forever
and be equally rich
but without any of the requisite effort

so the moral of the story is pretty clear
try to have the same name as rich dudes
they will hook you up

the end.

I AM IN SAN FRANCISCO

and I am on my knees sacrificing goats in the honor of celebrity knife maniac
JANE DOE
for giving me some of her tainted murder dollars to tell this myth
HERE GOES

Alright so there’s this dude Sinbad right

Holy fucking shit this guy is simultaneously a huge idiot and an ultimate badass
When our story begins he is super fucking wealthy
And constantly having parties at his crib
And this other dude named Sinbad shows up
And Sinbad the sailor is like WHOA FUCK YOU HAVE THE SAME NAME AS ME
LEMME TELL YOU HOW I GOT SO RICH
IT WILL TAKE 7 DAYS
I HOPE YOU LIKE PARTIES
And here is how the story goes
Basically he’s the son of a wealthy merchant
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN EVERY GODDAMN ARABIAN MYTH
DID PEOPLE EVEN HAVE OTHER PROFESSIONS?
Anyway his dad dies and he gets a huge inheritance
But then he squanders it all on booze and whores
And wakes up one morning like fuck
Where is all my money
What are all my booze and whores?
Shit
Better make more money
I KNOW
I’LL BECOME A MERCHANT
So he gets some cloth and some other saleable shit
And gets on a boat
And they go stop on some island
And WHABAM STORM TIME
And everyone gets back on the ship
But Sinbad is TOOO FUCKING SLOW
So he gets left behind
And he is all sad but at least the island has a ton of food and shit
And then one day he runs into some dudes who are trying to catch seahorses
But not the kind you are thinking
ACTUAL HORSES
FROM THE SEA
And he tells these dudes his story
And the dudes are like HOLY SHIT THAT’S A GREAT STORY
YOU DESERVE A PROMINENT POSITION IN OUR GOVERNMENT
So Sinbad becomes the minister of trade
And then one day some dudes show up with a ship
And they are like hey we would like to sell some goods belonging to our dead friend
His name was Sinbad the Sailor
And Sinbad is like HOLY SHIT THAT’S MY NAME
And they’re like BULLSHIT
And he’s like NO SERIOUSLY
And they’re like OH SNAP DUDE LET’S GO MERCHANT THE FUCK OUT OF SHIT
And the king gives him a ton of gold as a parting gift
And they go make a ton more gold
And then eventually he goes back to Baghdad

So he IMMEDIATELY SPENDS ALL HIS MONEY ON BOOZE AND WHORES AGAIN
And plus he gets pretty bored not being in mortal peril all the time
So he is like WELP BETTER GET ON ANOTHER FUCKING BOAT
And AWAY HE GOES
So they all find this really sweet island
And Sinbad likes it SOOOOO MUCH
That he totally forgets to get back on his boat
And everybody leaves him behind
so he starts wandering around
and he finds this bigass egg
and a bigass bird called a Rukh sitting on the egg
and he’s like HOLY SHIT I JUST HAD A REALLY STUPID IDEA
I’MA TAKE MY TURBAN AND TIE IT TO THAT RUKH’S LEG
AND WHEN IT GOES OUT HUNTING
IT WILL CARRY ME SOMEWHERE AWESOME
So he does this incredibly dumb thing
And the bird does in fact carry him to someplace else
BUT GUESS WHAT
IT’S A DESERTED PLATEAU WITH NO MEANS OF ESCAPE
BUT GUESS WHAT
IT TURNS OUT THE GROUND IS COVERED IN DIAMONDS
BUT GUESS WHAT
THE DIAMONDS ARE COVERED IN SNAKES
HOLY SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STORY
And then while Sinbad is staring at all these snakes and diamonds
BAM a dead animal falls down in front of him
And he remembers some stories about how some merchants try to use dead bodies to fish for diamonds down here
Like the diamonds stick to the corpses
And then birds carry the corpses up and the merchants scare them away and take the diamonds
So Sinbad fills his pockets with diamonds and grabs onto this dead animal
And SHO NUFF
HERE COMES A BIRD AND LIFTS HIM UP
And then he sees some merchants and gives them diamonds and everyone is pals
And they make a ton of cash and then he goes back to Baghdad

So he’s back in Baghdad!
BOOZE AND WHORES TIME
OOP GUESS I GOTTA GO ON ANOTHER ADVENTURE
So he gets on another boat
And they are boating around
When OH SHIT HERE COMES THE ISLAND OF THE APES
IT IS LIKE THE PLANET OF THE APES BUT JUST AN ISLAND
AND WHAT THE APES DO IS STEAL YOUR BOAT
So now they have no boat
So they find a house that CLEARLY belongs to an ogre
And they’re like welp better sleep here
And of course the ogre comes home and murders some of them
And then they are like should we leave?
NAH
And stay there ANOTHER night and the ogre eats MORE of them
At which point they are like we should seriously leave huh?
Maybe we should build some rafts?
And then poke out his eyes?
So they do that
And the ogre and his wife chase them but they escape
To an island where they get eaten by SNAKES
But Sinbad escapes by tying himself to a tree with his turban
And then when that doesn’t work he just staples a bunch of logs to his body
so he’s too big to eat
and then he finds some boat dudes
and they take him to some other boat dudes
who HAPPEN TO HAVE HIS FUCKING STUFF
so that’s cool
and then he makes a ton more money and goes back to Baghdad again
and I’m gonna tell the rest on Tuesday cause this fucker is LONG

NO END IN SIGHT