Stories like these are exactly why I got into this business:

So Saint Petronilla is the daughter of Saint Peter
apparently saintliness runs in the family
also names that sound like Peter
but anyway, Petronilla is a pretty lame saint
because when our story begins
she is down with a wretched fever
and what kind of saint gets a fever?
A LAME SAINT
LIKE I SAID

so yeah, she’s all sick
and Peter gives the minimum required number of shits
which is NEGATIVE A THOUSAND
he gives so few shits it’s like he’s got a stick up his ass
and that stick shoots out of his mouth
and it is actually a prehensile enema kit
that flies around and sucks the shit out of OTHER PEOPLE’S ASSES
WOW that got gross

what I MEANT to say
is that while his daughter is busy enjoying the ultimate fever
saint peter is throwing a RAD PARTY at his place
all the other saintly dudes are hanging out
turning water into ecstacy and playing football with babies
or whatever it is saints do when there is no one around to tell them to behave
but one of the guys is like yo Peter
I thought you could cure any illness
that’s kind of why we let you into the saints club
kinda slacking with your daughter there, arentcha?
and Peter is like what
NO
that bitch is sick because I WANT her to be sick
have you SEEN her tits?
one step outside that threshold and it’s dick city all up in that cleavage
I am NOT having that from no daughter of mine
would TOTALLY ruin the whole saint thing we’ve got going on
and Peter’s bro is like naw dude you frontin
and Peter is like OH YEAH?
PETRONILLA
GET I HERE AND FRESHEN UP THESE DRANKS
and boom
Petronilla is cured of fever
she comes in
she serves the drinks
and then Peter is like VERY GOOD PETRONILLA
BOOM
YOU’RE SICK AGAIN
BACK IN YOUR ROOM
GO COVER UP THOSE UNGODLY TITS WITH FEVERSWEAT AND HALLUCINATIONS
and everyone is like whoa Peter
AWESOME PARTYYYYYYYYYYYY

so time passes
and Petronilla’s tits stubbornly refuse to become any less bo-damn-dangulous
but finally Petronilla figures it out
she’s like okay, god
I promise to not bang any dudes
I am perfect in my love of you and yadda yadda
can we move on from the fever stage of this transaction now?
and god is like AYUP
HEY UH
COULD YOU UH
JUMP UP AND DOWN A LITTLE BIT?
MAYBE KINDA MASSAGE YOUR CHEST SOME?
NICE.

so now Petronilla is cured!
and it turns out all of Saint Peter’s worst fears were 100% justified
i mean he really only had the one fear
and it was less of a fear than an unqualified suspicion of sexytimes
but you get my drift
so anyway Petronilla is all parading down the boulevard
her snugglebubbles bobbing in the breeze
and the men on the street
collectively emit such a DAYUM
that eardrums are shattered for miles around
although that may just be because dudes have boners COMING OUT OF THEIR EARS

but one dude has the most plentiful boners of all
his name is Flaccus, which is a bad start
and he is like HEY PETRONILLA LEMME SEX U
and Petronilla is like okay sure
just send me a whole mess of virgins and I will get married to you no problem
and Flaccus is like wow that was easy
and he goes to get the virgins
and Petronilla is like SWEET
NOW THAT I’VE BOUGHT MYSELF SOME TIME
I CAN TOTALLY HAVE SEX WITH GOD AND THEN IMMEDIATELY DIE
(it says she “received the holy body of our lord”
but you all saw how the lord was looking at her tits, come on)

so Flaccus gets back and he’s like FUCK
well good thing I opted for the extended warranty on fiancees
hey Petronilla’s friend, we’re getting married now
and Petronilla’s friend is like eew no
and Flaccus is like okay, next best thing
gonna starve you to death, then beat you to death, then hang you to death, then hit you with swords
so he does
then he throws her body in some poop
and this holy dude named Nicodemus picks up the body and buries it properly
but Flaccus is like FIGGITY-FUCK NO
and he beats Nicodemus to death, too
and then Nicodemus’s good bro Justin buries HIM
like some crazy corpse relay race

so the moral of the story
is that being ugly sucks
but don’t be pretty, or else everybody dies

the end.

GUYS GUYS
THIS GREAT AWESOME LADY MADE ME A BEOWULF SWEATER
I WISH I HAD A THOUSAND OF THESE
BECAUSE THAT IS APPROXIMATELY HOW MANY I WILL NEED TO WEAR WHEN IT GETS COLD HERE
BUT YEAH ANYWAY THIS SUPER CLASSY LADY
(Known in underground cage-fighting arenas everywhere as Kate “The Hate” Bates)
WANTED ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT ANOTHER SUPER CLASSY LADY
NAMED SAINT CATHERINE OF ALEXANDRIA
SO LET’S DO THIS

Alright so Saint Catherine

like most saints this chick was precocious as fuck
like by the time she was seven years old she was already swearing off sexytimes
even though there is no wholesome way she could even know what those WERE
and then she devotes the fuck out of herself to god and jesus and things
and people start to kind of think she is pretty rad
score one for catholocism, am I right guys?

NOT SO FAST
CAUSE HERE COME THE INFIDELS, RUINING EVERYONE’S DAY
Specifically there is this king Maxentius
who is just rampaging up and down the countryside
throwing christians of cliffs and stapling them to bears and shit
and Catherine is having none of that shit
so she shows up at Maxentius’s crib like yo
enough with the stapling christians to bears
and Maxentius is like OH YEAH HOW COME?
and Catherine is like BECAUSE CHRISTIANITY, THAT’S HOW COME
and Maxentius is like oh man that argument is watertight how do I even BEGIN to argue
better call FIFTY PHILOSOPHERS TO DO IT FOR ME
so he does
and Catherine proceeds to brutally subdue each and every one of these philosophers
WITH SHEER FORCE OF RELIGION
this is like a dialectic version of that scene in kill bill
where uma thurman brutally swordrapes the crazy 88
ANYWAY
by the time the dust clears all fifty philosophers are THOROUGHLY CONVERTED
and Maxentius is like fuck
who is going to do my arguing for me now?
Oh I know
HOW ABOUT MY DUNGEON
so he beats the shit out of Catherine and throws her in jail
then he goes out to staple more christians to bears
problem solved right?

WRONG
because while Maxentius is gone, his wife is dumb enough to visit Catherine’s cell
at which point Catherine just instantly converts her to christianity
and also a bunch of other people
and Maxentius comes home like DEAR GOD CATHERINE
YOU ARE LIKE SOME KIND OF RELIGIOUS PLAGUE-BEARER IN MY PLEASANT HEATHEN HOME
What do I gotta do to get you to give this shit up?
huh?
you want a royal marriage?
Bam
royal marriage ahoy
and Catherine is like uh nope
I think I would rather hang out in this prison cell converting your wife
and Maxentius is like OKAY FUCK IT PLAN B YOU GET STAPLED TO BEARS
but he’s all out of bears so they have to use this wheel they found
with like a bunch of knives hot-glued to it
like some kind of crazy knife-wheel
but come on
who thought a knife-wheel was a good idea?
no sooner do they strap catherine to that shit
than it EXPLODES
sending wood and knife shrapnel DIRECTLY THROUGH THE FACES OF EVERYONE IN THE CROWD
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR RUBBERNECKING, ASSHOLES
and Maxentius hears about this and he’s like okay
geeze
just behead her, guys
enough with the fancy stuff
and then they behead her
and guess what
she REFUSES TO BLEED
that’s right, guys
Saint Catherine of Alexandria was a TIME-TRAVELING CHRISTIAN ROBOT THE WHOLE TIME

so the moral of the story
is when it comes to executions
keep it simple
you never know when you’ll have to execute a saint or a robot or something

the end.

Dude this is so rad
thanks to all yall who sent me approximately eighteen hojillion requests
these will keep me entertained/busy for a while
BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN STOP SENDING REQUESTS
seriously
this shit cuts down on my research time
which is helpful because I am in school

so this particular myth
comes to us from this cool lady who helped me make chili in Syracuse one time
(that’s right guys
if you help me make chili you jump to the front of the line)
her name is MEGA BULLDOZER LIGHTNINGSTEIN
this story predates the bible
but it is sort of about stuff that happens in the bible
so I guess it is like
reverse fanfiction?
like maybe the whole bible is a massive labyrinthian product
of this myth’s fan forums?

OKAY
so you remember the book of Genesis, right?
that’s the one where there’s a garden
and Adam is in it
and then he’s bored so God makes him a sex slave out of one of his ribs
but hold on there, cowboy
because before Eve
there used to be a different chick
her name was Lilith
and she was not made out of anybody’s ribs except her own
because originally
when god was making people
he decided to just go for broke and make man and woman at the same time
both out of the same dirt
if you think about it, that makes a lot more sense than what he ended up doing
but see here’s the problem
when you are made out of the same constituent materials as somebody else
as opposed to one of their ribs
you start to harbor problematic delusions of equality
and this manifests itself pretty quickly
as an argument over what position Adam and Lilith are gonna have sex in
see Adam wants to do it missionary style
he honestly cannot see this shit happening any other way
and Lilith is like Adam honey
let me give you a lesson in body mechanics:
that is pretty much the worst way we could possibly choose to have sex
short of standing on our hands on top of a bed of hot coals
and at least that would be interesting
plus i don’t want to get dirt on my back
so i am afraid we are going to have to have some girl on top sex
and Adam is like FUCK NO BITCH GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR
and Lilith is like alright well if you’re gonna be deliberately bad at sex
there’s really no reason for me to hang out here anymore
peace
and then she abruptly flies away
and Adam is like aw dammit what am I gonna do now?
GODDDDDDD
and God is like WHAT?
and Adam is like LILITH RAN WAY AND SHE SAID I WAS DELIBERATELY BAD AT SEX
and God is like WELL FUCK THAT
HOW ABOUT THIS:
I WILL SEND SOME ANGELS TO LET HER KNOW THAT SHE CAN EITHER COME BACK
OR HAVE 100 OF HER CHILDREN DIE EVERY DAY
and Adam is like okay sounds good

so God sends some angels to go get Lilith
and when they find her she’s floating in the middle of the red sea
and the angels are like hey Lilith
are you gonna come back to the garden of Eden?
and Lilith says that depends
is Adam still gonna be really bad at sex?
and the angels are like yeah
probably
and Lilith is like well then no
and the angels are like WE’RE GONNA DROWN YOU IN THE SEA
and Lilith is like no you aren’t
come on
how about instead I become responsible for sudden infant death syndrome
but I add a special exclusionary clause
for kids who are wearing amulets with your faces on them?
and the angels are like well that does appeal to our egotism
SOLD
oh also 100 of your children have to die each day
and Lilith is like oh whatever
I plan on having MORE THAN ENOUGH SEX TO MAKE THAT WORTHWHILE
and the angels kind of shrug their shoulders and go home
and God makes Adam a new wife out of one of his ribs
this time without all the pesky free will
and that dumb skank proceeds to doom all of humankind forever
by eating an apple just because a snake told her to

so the moral of the story
is do not be hesitant to try new things in bed
the fate of the world may hang in the balance

THE END

Alright so shakespeare time is over
FOR NOW
I did like doing it a lot it was just very labor intensive
you can count on more from that immortal bard in the future

what you get instead
is a myth that is dedicated to a chick named Esther “Gorilla Killa” Godzilla
she is having a birthday like RIGHT NOW
or at least at some point in the near future or past
and so I guess I should talk about someone really legit who shares her first name

but our story does not begin with Esther
our story actually begins with some guy
no big deal
just KING ACHASHVAIROSH
he’s king of basically everything it is possible to be king of
all the way from india to ethiopia
pretty respectable
too bad King Achasvairosh is in no way a respectable dude
see he’s having a party, right?
and his wife, Queen Vashti, is also having a party
King Achasvairosh’s party is what we might call a sausage party
and Queen Vashti’s would be more akin to a fish taco fiesta
so things get a little out of hand at the king’s party
as sausage parties tend to do
and the King is like GUYS
GUYS
WHO WANTS TO SEE MY WIFE NAKED?
and everyone is like YEAHHHHHHHHHH GET SOME TITS IN HERE
and the king is like OK I’LL CALL HER
so he calls up his wife like OY WIFE
GET IN HERE
you can wear a crown but you cannot wear ANYTHING ELSE
and the queen is like well uh
no
and the king is like WHAT
GUYS SHE SAID NO
WHAT DO I DO NOW
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW???
and his advisors are like dude chill out
just divorce her
get a sluttier wife
problem solved
and the king is like AWRIGHT
but i have a strict no fatties policy
so i gotta hire this eunuch named Hegei
GUARDIAN OF THE WOMEN
(which would be a pretty sweet gig
if he wasn’t
you know
a eunuch)
to gather virgins from ALLLL OVER THE PLACE
and pretty em up
and THEN i will decide who i want to make the sex with

so true to form, Hegei gathers an assload of hot chicks
and one of them is this broad named Esther
she is the cousin of this dude Mordecai
who is pretty cool but we will talk more about him later
right now what’s important is that Esther is a jew
and she gets her ass dragged out to the palace
and then they proceed to apply perfume to her
FOR A YEAR
what are they marinating her in perfume?
I guess they kinda have to since no one has figured out showers yet
everyone probably smells like a dogshit souffle

so after that year of intense cosmetics
Esther finally gets to meet the king
and the king is like OW
I JUST POPPED A BONER SO HARD IT CAME OFF
PLEASE GLUE IT BACK ON WITH YOUR MOUTH
and then they get married!
and also Mordecai gets promoted to one of the king’s ministers or something
i guess he’s a minister
he hangs out in front of the gate though so i dunno what kind of minister he is
minister of homelessness?

anyway at one point mordecai is just chilling by the gate
when he hears some guards all like MAN WE HATE THE KING SOOOOO MUCH
BETTER GO POISON HIM
and Mordecai is like uh hey king
you might want to look into these guards you hired
they are not very good guards
and the king is like RIGHT YOU ARE and has them killed and the day is saved
and then the king is like GREAT WORK MORDECAI
SOMEONE’S DUE FOR A PROMOTION
AND THAT SOMEONE IS…
HAMAN, DESTROYER OF JEWS
and Mordecai is like uh hey
why did you promote the destroyer of jews all of a sudden for no reason
and Haman is like WATCH AND LEARN JEWFACE
I SEE YOU DIDN’T BOW DOWN TO ME WHEN I GOT PROMOTED
WHAT IS THAT SOME RELIGIOUS THING?
and Mordecai is like uh yes actually
and Haman is like THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD REASON TO KILL YOU
BUT I CAN’T JUSTIFY GETTING MY MURDERING IMPLEMENTS OUT IF I’M JUST KILLING ONE DUDE
NOPE
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR
GENOCIDE!!!

so then Haman goes to the king and he’s like yo king
i’ll pay you ten thousand bucks if you let me kill all the jews
and the king is like keep the money whatever who gives a shit
oh god esther that feels so good don’t stop
so Haman puts the word out that in a couple weeks everyone is supposed to kill jews
EVERYWHERE
we’re talking about every scrap of land between India and Ethiopia
and apparently that whole stretch of nonsense is CRAWLING with jews
because Mordecai is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT THIS
so he goes to Esther like hey
remember how I told you not to tell the king you were a jew?
and Esther is like ayup
and Mordecai is like now might be a good time to tell the king you’re a jew
and Esther is like don’t worry pops
I’ve got a plan in mind that will make this WAY more complicated than it needs to be

so Esther goes to the king and the king’s like ESTHER
JUST THE TITS I WANTED TO SEE
WHAT’S SHAKIN’, SUGARGUNS
and Esther’s like hey king can i ask a favor
and the king is like ANYTHING YOU WANT MY LITTLE SEX WAFFLE
and Esther is like ok I want you to come have dinner with me tonight
and bring Haman
that’s what I want
and the king is like DON’T MIND IF I DO

so they have dinner that night
and Esther is very pleasant
and the king is like ALRIGHT ESTHER SERIOUSLY
ANYTHING YOU WANT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
(please say more freaky shit in bed
oh god please come on more freaky shit in bed)
and Esther is like all I want
is for you to come to another dinner party I’m throwing tomorrow night
you too, Haman
and the king and Haman are both like well ok
cya tomorrow

so Haman is feeling pretty good about himself for getting invited to dinner
but on the way out through the gate he sees Mordecai
and Mordecai pisses him off SOOOO MUCH just by existing
that he can’t sleep until he builds a huge-ass gallows to hang him on
and then he goes back to the castle to get the king to have Mordecai hung
but that is a stupid plan
wanna know why?
because during a bout of insomnia that night
the king decides to go through the old court records
and remembers how back in the day Mordecai totally kept him from being poisoned
and the king is like hot damn what kind of reward did Mordecai get for that?
and his advisors are like uh
nothing
you were too busy promoting Haman, the destroyer of jews
and just then Haman shows up about to be like HEY DUDE LET’S HANG MORDECAI
and the king is like hey Haman
I need some advice
if I really wanted to honor the shit out of someone, what should I do?
and Haman, who cannot imagine anyone getting honored besides himself
is like WELL I’D GIVE HIM A TON OF FANCY CLOTHES
AND A SWEET HORSE
AND HAVE SOME NOBLE LEAD HIM THROUGH TOWN SAYING “THIS GUY IS SO GREAT”
and the king is like oh man I love the way you think
go do that to Mordecai
and Haman is like MORDECAIIIIII
(next time you get really frustrated
I suggest looking up at the sky and bellowing MORDECAIIIIII
it really helps)

so but then the next day Haman and the king show up to dinner at Esther’s place again
and the king is like OK SERIOUSLY HONEY
I KNOW YOU DON’T JUST WANT DINNER
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO FOR YOU?
DOES IT PERCHANCE INVOLVE BEING
SHALL I SAY
FREAKY IN BED?
and Esther is like well no
it has to do with i’m a jew and you should kill Haman and reverse his decree
and the king is like whoa shit Haman made a decree?
fuck yeah reverse that shit
chop his goddamn head off who gives a shit
oh god that feels so good esther don’t stop
and Haman is like how are you executing me and getting a blowjob SIMULTANEOUSLY
and the king is like I DUNNO BUT I SHOULD TOTES DO IT MORE OFTEN

so yeah Haman gets hung on the gallows he built for Mordecai
and Mordecai takes his house
and then they send out a letter to all the jews everywhere
telling them to murder the fuck out of the guys who Haman sent to murder them
so they do
they kill like 75 thousand people
including all ten of Haman’s sons
and then everyone is fucking terrified of the jews
and NO ONE EVER FUCKS WITH THEM AGAIN
NEVER EVER
oh and also that shit gets celebrated every year now
that’s what that Purim shit is all about

so the moral of the story
is if you want to save your people from extinction
find a king and start passing out blowjobs
the future is in your hands
(and mouth
and maybe on your face a little)

the end.