The Most Important Thing About Ehud is That He is Left-Handed

Hey guys
first off I have a pretty cool announcement
which is that I am going to be performing at this really cool show/party
and Ryan North and David Malki are gonna be there (right?)
and it’s free too so if you live in LA you should definitely show up
SECOND OFF
i am going to do something hitherto unprecedented on this blog
I am going to write this entry WITHOUT USING A SINGLE CUSS WORD
this is going to be difficult
i’m not sure why I’m doing it but here goes:

okay so god is really cheezed off at the jews for some reason
god always seems to be getting cheezed off at the jews for one thing or another
maybe they forgot to worship the right statue things
or maybe they left the toilet seat up or there were dirty dishes in the sink
but whatever it is
god decides that the only way to solve this is by subjecting his chosen people
to FIFTEEN YEARS OF DICTATORIAL HORRORNONSENSE
so he shoots this dude Eglon with a beam of PURE HOLY MAGIC
which gives him a new superpower
which is subjugating the jews
a lot of people throughout history seem to have had this superpower
but yeah so Eglon gets some help from these dudes the Ammonites and the Ammaleks
except i highly doubt that because i’m pretty sure Ammonite is a pokemon
and pokemon have no place in serious wars
because all they ever do is knock each other out
which is insufficient for war
unfortunately there are no murder type pokemon
OKAY I’M GETTING A LITTLE SIDETRACKED HERE LET’S GET BACK TO THE STORY

so Eglon is king for like fifteen years
and everything sucks for the israelites
but then i guess god decides he needs to fix this problem he caused
because otherwise how is he going to punish the jews for the NEXT major boo-boo
so he makes this dude Ehud show up
he’s from these dudes called the Benjamites
which are either a race of dudes who are all named benjamin
which is proven empirically false because Ehud’s name is not Benjamin
OR
they are some dudes who are all about the dolla dolla bills
which is also wrong because they did not have dolla dolla bills in bible times
so i really have no clue who the benjamites are
also for some reason the bible sees fit to mention that Ehud is left-handed
first of all
wouldn’t being left-handed be the norm in Israel
since they write backwards or whatever
and second of all
WHO CARES
but so apparently this left-handed dude is the man with the plan to defeat Eglon
so he makes a wicked two-edged knife
and he duct tapes it to his right leg
and then he goes to Eglon’s place
and he’s like psst
bro
i’ve got a secret to tell you
and Eglon is like A SECRET
THIS SOUNDS INCREDIBLY LEGIT/IMPORTANT
GUARDS
LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY SO THIS STRANGER CAN TELL ME SECRETS
so all the guards leave the room
at which point Eglon is like ok ok what’s the secret
and Ehud is like I HAVE A MESSAGE
A MESSAGE
FROM GOD
and then he busts out his wicked knife and stabs him in the tummy
which just goes to show that action movie sensibilities
predate action movies

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
because Eglon is SO FAT
that his fat gobbles up the Ehud’s ENTIRE KNIFE
and then his stomach just starts spraying poop EVERYWHERE
I mean Eglon is still dead and everything but this is totally gross anyway
and Ehud is like well i guess that’s my cue to leave
and just jumps out the window and escapes to some rock quarries

MEANWHILE
Eglon’s servants are all standing outside the chamber
which is locked
and they’re like we’d better not bother him
he’s probably covering his feet
I have no idea what that’s code for
covering his feet
with ejaculate?
with whores?
with poop?
well that last one is actually accurate
but whatever it means
it ends up making these servant dudes feel SUPER ASHAMED
to the point where they finally unlock the door and find their boss
dead and covered in poop
which i think really must have ruined their image of him

but so meanwhile Ehud goes to the Israelites
and he’s like dudes
I just killed Eglon
let’s press our advantage by proceeding to murder as many of his dudes as possible
so that’s what they do
they kill like ten thousand dudes
in a merciless slaughterstorm
you would think god would be more sympathetic
towards the dudes he was using to punish his chosen people
seeing as it’s not their fault and all
but no
that is not God’s MO
and then eighty years pass
and some other dude shows up and kills 600 dudes with a pointed stick
but that’s a whole other story

so the moral of this story
is if a left-handed dude offers to tell you a secret
it is probably not a very good secret
probably it is actually just knives in your stomach

THE END

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God Damn spelled backwards is almost Mad Dog, Which makes sense because I’m sure the Inferno is full of those

Hey metafilter what’s up
I see you like myths
good thing I forgot to wear a shirt today
otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to record THIS:

Sometimes I worry that God never had any really good ideas for hell
and he just sort of waited for Dante to come along
and then copied all the shit he came up with
it’ll suck if that turns out to be what happened

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I’m all out of shitty puns about EXODUS

Still missing vital parts of my throat
but Moses kindly agreed to fill in for me again
honestly i don’t think the dude has much going on right now

pretty sure I saw him holding a sign outside of Ralph’s
it said “WILL WORK MIRACLES FOR FOOD”

PS: Currently making shirt stencils in this order:
– NORSE CRISIS FLOWCHART
– DWARVES DRINKING MY BLOOD
– CROSSDRESSING
they should be ready to order in the next few days

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In the end, it EXODUSn’t even matter

hey guys
if you are here as a result of Ryan North’s excellent internet comedy contraption
welcome
also you should scroll down past all these videos and read some text myths
like this one or this one or this one
because some of those are pretty awesome
and they are mainly what this site is made out of
and anyway this video is part 3 of an ongoing series
so you might be a little out of the loop if you just watch this one
BUT HERE IT IS ANYWAY

I think i might start wearing this hat every day.

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WAYNE’S WORLD! WAYNE’S WORLD! EXODUS! EXODUS!

so here is part one of a video just like i promised
it is about moses and god and snakes
and i think i say tits in it at least once so that’s a win

ALSO
SHIRTS
probably gonna make whichever 3 shirts get the most votes
and if you guys are cool with it
I’m going to just make them myself
using stencils and spraypaint
a la THIS GUY
because cafepress and every site like it is a waste of time
that would force me to charge you guys exorbitant amounts of money
for shitty inferior products that don’t even look as good
as i can make them look on my own
plus if I make them myself I can do them in whatever colors you guys want
because the tshirt shop down the street is amazing
also I made a shitty mspaint mockup
of what the Norse Flowchart is gonna look like
just to get the idea across
you can see it after the jump
i promise the stencil will actually look like something other than shit
we cool?

OK MYTH

I MADE TWO VERSIONS

WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE OR DO THEY BOTH SUCK TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME

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HORSECOCK

Alright guys
you keep showing up in droves
(especially yesterday thanks to cracked again
and the fucking huffington post
also this crocheting forum called ravelry
what the fuck thank you guys)
so I have to keep making announcements
first off, do you guys like shirts?
I know sometimes I have problems being clothed
and when those problems happen it is good to have shirts
see i had this idea:
I could make some shirts with the morals of some of the myths on them
like the moral of this one or this one
and maybe you would like those?
let me know,
and also let me know what morals you would like if you would like any

secondly you guys should show up tomorrow
because I am going to start doing a video retelling
of THE BOOK OF EXODUS
because god-like hero Anne “The Man” Murderfist gave me money

SO TODAY’S MYTH
is courtesy of this dude Cavalorn
you don’t know it but he’s basically the reason most of you know about my blog
AND HIS MYTH IS ABOUT A HORSECOCK

So Norway right

there is this family living there
it is a family of truly fucked up individuals
there is a mommy and a daddy
and a boy and a girl
and two slaves
because it is still cool to have slaves in the 14th century
and also a dog
the dog and one of the slaves are not that fucked up but everyone else is
HERE’S WHY
so one day the family’s horse dies
and they are pretty hungry so they are like well let’s eat this
so the slave guy skins it
and he cuts off its meatpole and is about to throw it away
like a normal person would do
EVERYBODY WITH ME SO FAR?
GOOD
so the son goes ahead and STEALS IT
it being the horsecock
WHY WOULD YOU STEAL A HORSECOCK
IT’S NOT PARTICULARLY UNCOMMON OR VALUABLE
IT’S HUGE AND UNWIELDY TO CARRY
AND
IT’S A FUCKING HORSECOCK
apparently the answer is:
so he can harass his female relatives with it
he runs into the house like HEY LADIES
LOOK AT THIS HERE HORSECOCK
I BET YOU WANT TO STUFF THIS IN YOUR VAGINAS
SHIT GUYS I WOULD STUFF IT IN MY VAGINA IF I HAD A VAGINA
BUT I DON’T SO THERE YOU GO
and the slave girl thinks this is funny as shit actually
the sister thinks this is pretty messed up
and the mom thinks this is a GENUINE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
so she confiscates the horsecock
and she dries it in herbs and shit
and she MAKES IT HER NEW GOD
in fact every day before they go to sleep
she makes the whole family sit around in the circle
and everyone has to hold the horsecock
and recite a verse over it
and because of all these verses
and also because of the POWER OF SATAN
the horsecock grows to an even more unreasonable size
and gains the ability to STAND UP ON ITS OWN
although honestly
a penis having the ability to stand up on its own
is not really cause for alarm
it is really more of a cause for sex
or shame
or both
remember this is a christian myth

so obviously word gets around
that this family has a sweet new dick-shaped diety living in their house
and eventually words gets all the way around
to this dude King Olaf
this super christian monarch who is going around fucking up heathens
and he hears about this shit and he is like WHAT
PEOPLE CAN WORSHIP HORSE BONERS NOW?
UNACCEPTABLE
IF WE ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE
PEOPLE WILL BE JUST HARVESTING SWATHES UPON SWATHES
OF EQUINE KIELBASA
WE WILL HAVE A SERIOUS HORSEDICK SHORTAGE ALL UP IN THIS LAND
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WITHOUT HORSECOCKS HOW CAN HORSES AIM THEIR PEE
THERE WILL BE HORSE PISS EVERYWHERE
IT WILL BE A DISASTER
this must be stopped

so Olaf gets a couple of his buddies
and they all go over to this family’s house
and they just walk in the front door
and sit down in the living room
and eventually the sister comes in and she is like um hey
who the fuck are you guys
and Olaf is like my name is Grimnir
and his buddies are like oh err
we are ALSO Grimnir
3X CLEVER COMBO
and the chick is like oh ok cool
lemme get my family i think it’s about time to worship the horsecock

so everyone comes in
and they all sit down
to pass this swollen member around
like a game of hot potato
but with less potatoes
more poetry
and also you are holding a horsecock
so basically ADVANCED hot potato
and the game goes a little something like this:

the wife is like BOY DO I LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the husband is like I SURE DO NOT LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the son is like HAHA THIS IS A PENIS THAT’S STILL FUNNY
and the daughter is like FUCK YOU BRO
and the slave guy is like I WOULD LIKE BREAD BUT INSTEAD I HAVE THIS HORSECOCK
and the slave girl is like OH MAN IF I WAS ALONE WITH THIS HORSECOCK
and Olaf’s dudes are like I’VE BEEN HANDED SOME WEIRD SHIT BUT THIS WINS
and then Olaf is like YEAH I’M PRETTY MUCH JUST GONNA FEED THIS TO THE DOG
BAM
and then the dog eats it

and the wife is like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
and Olaf is like what
i thought i was supposed to hand the horsecock to the next member of the family
do you not consider the dog to be part of your family?
RACIST
oh by the way I’m king Olaf and you should convert to christianity
and the wife is like no way
and God shows up like you fucking better or i’ll cut you
and the wife is like CHRISTIANITY HOORAY
and no one has to worship a horsecock ever again

So the moral of the story

is next time you are picking an object to worship
a good question to ask yourself is
would a dog eat this?
if the answer is yes then you need to do some thinking

The end.

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