so a guy walks out of a bar, right?

he’s threatening the management, and the management is threatening him
he broke a bunch of glasses and is refusing to pay
then he vomits and falls down
OFF TO A GOOD START SHAKESPEARE

so the owner of the bar goes to get the cops
and meanwhile some rich dude shows up after a long day of murdering animals
and he’s like oh man a drunk dude
fuck guys let’s prank the shit out of him
and everyone is like YESSSSSSSSSSSSS
and the lord is like ok here’s what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna kidnap him
and we’re gonna dress him up real nice
and we’re gonna give him a bunch of servants
and a whole ton of really delicious food
and we are going to tell him he has just been hallucinating being homeless
for like SEVEN YEARS
and he was actually mega rich all along
and everyone is like wow
that’s not so much a prank as the plot for a reality show
but you’re the boss
let’s do this

so they do this
and the dude
whose name is Sly by the way
wakes up and starts demanding booze
and they’re like YES HAVE SOME EXPENSIVE LIQUORS
and he’s like FUCK THAT I WANT REAL PEOPLE BOOZE
and they’re like BUT YOU’RE NOT REAL PEOPLE YOU’RE ROYALTY
and he’s like FUCK ROYALTY I WANNA GET TRASHED
and they’re like you have a hot wife
and he’s like ROYALTY ALL THE WAY BABY
BRING IN THE TITS BRIGADE
so they let in his wife
who is actually just some pageboy in disguise
and the pageboy comes in and Sly is like HEY BABY I HOPE YOU WORE YOUR SEXIN’ CLOTHES
BY WHICH I MEAN NO CLOTHES AT ALL I GUESS
and the pageboy is like uh well
the doctor said we can’t bone for like a couple days
and in the meanwhile we have some people who have come here to perform a play!
isn’t that great?!
and Sly is like yeah ok i guess

so then the rest of the play is the play the actors put on for Sly
SERIOUSLY
like i already told you about hamlet
where instead of killing his uncle like a real man
hamlet puts on a play about killing his uncle
and I told you about Midsummer night’s dream
where a good third of the play is spent watching some idiots rehearse a fucking play
but this right here is the king shit of frame narrative mountain
the play within this play is SO DISTENDED
IT HAS TAKEN OVER THE ENTIRE PLAY
THINK YOU’RE EVER GONNA FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO SLY?
NOPE
SORRY ASSHOLES
SHAKESPEARE DECIDED TWO SCENES IN THAT HE IS WRITING A DIFFERENT PLAY NOW
AND YOU’RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH IT

so this play is called the taming of the shrew all of a sudden
and it starts with two dudes showing up in Mantua
which is in italy
which shakespeare is for some reason fascinated with
and these dudes are called Tranio and Lucentio
they get to come on stage first
because they are pretty much the only people in the play who don’t suck
so they’re shooting the shit and whatever
when all of a sudden here comes like a million more people
there’s Bianca
who is super hot and pretty much totally great in every way
Katherina
who is such a huge bitch that it’s a plot point
Baptista
who is their father and also kind of a huge idiot
and Hortensio and Gremio who both want to bang the shit out of Bianca
understandably

so Hortensio and Gremio are both busy trying to convince Baptista to give them Bianca
and Baptista is all like NAH BROS
NOT GONNA MARRY OFF BIANCA UNTIL SOMEONE MARRIES HER UNMARRIABLE OLDER SISTER
KATHERINA, QUEEN OF THE BITCH NAVY
and Hortensio and Gremio are all like fuck man
seriously?
why would you do that
are you trying to get one of us to agree to be a wingman
and like take one for the team?
because fuck that
we both like our nuts a whole lot
and having them attached to our bodies is a high priority
so no sir
we are not going to man up
and put our dicks at the mercy of your castrating ice priestess
and Baptista is like well shit
looks like no one is happy
and Katherina is like DAMN RIGHT NO ONE’S HAPPY
YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
and Baptista is like well in the meantime
I am hiring a ton of really great tutors for my daughters
because i am assuming they are going to be single for a very long time
so if you know any tutors you should def hit me up
and then he and his daughters leave
and Gremio and Hortensio are all like fuuuuuuck
who the fuck is gonna marry that twank and open the floodgates to hot chick central
welp
better go find some idiot to do it for us
so then THEY leave

so Lucentio and Tranio have watched this whole thing take place
and Lucentio turns to Tranio and he’s like dude
dude
I totally want to bang Bianca
can you help me with this?
and Tranio is like no doubt bro
that is what bros are for and I am the most broful bro that ever bro’d a bro like you
bro
so here’s what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna disguise you as a super legit tutor
and get Baptista to hire you
and then you can bang the shit out of Bianca no problem
eh? eh?
and Lucentio is like okay I like the way you think man
but who is going to pretend to be me while I’m pretending to be a tutor?
that is super important for some reason
and Tranio is like DUH BRO
I AM GOING TO PRETEND TO BE YOU
and I am gonna get baptista to agree to marry Bianca to me
but it’s cool because I’m gonna be pretending to be you
so really he will be agreeing to marry Bianca to YOU
and you’re gonna be banging her already so it’s not like she’s gonna say no
and Lucentio is like fuck that’s brilliant
quick
exchange clothes with me
and then Lucentio’s servant shows up and gives them shit about it
but that’s okay
that guy’s only job in the play is to piss everyone off
literally everyone
ALL THE TIME

so meanwhile Katherina and Bianca are yelling at each other
Bianca is like SIS I AM TRYING TO GET LAID HERE
AND YOUR ARCTIC-ASS LOINS ARE A SERIOUS IMPEDIMENT TO THIS
and Katherina is like MAN I AM SO FUCKING FED UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT
WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING WITH A COCK AND BALLS
INSTANTLY MAGNETIZES TOWARDS YOUR LEAKY MEATPOUCH
and Bianca is like WELL MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’T THE ARCHFIEND OF BITCH ISLAND
YOU MIGHT GET SOME MANLOVE AS WELL
and Katherina is like HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE I AM ONLY LIKE THIS
BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO BANG ME?
which brings us back to the age old question
which came first
the chicken or the HUUUUGE BITCH

so meanwhile Hortensio hits up his critically insane pal Petruchio
who shows up at Hortensio’s door beating the shit out of his own servant
over a fucking syntactical error
and Hortensio is like yo bro
I called you here because I know you will fuck anything with money
and i found a chick with SO MUCH MONEY who no one else will fuck
and Petruchio is like SIGN ME UP I DON’T EVEN GIVE A FUCK
and Hortensio is like man also
I really want to bang Baptista’s other daughter Bianca
so when you go to try and hook up with Katherina
I am going to disguise myself as a music teacher
and then I want you to present me to Baptista
and he will present me to Bianca
and I will present Bianca WITH MY PENIS
and Petruchio is like GENIUS
and then Gremio shows up like wassup guys
I sure hope everyone is trying to win Bianca’s hand honestly like I am
look I brought a scholar who I am going to give to Baptista
as a kind of a bribe to get Bianca to bang me
BUT PLOT TWIST GUYS
THE SCHOLAR HE HAS IS ACTUALLY LUCENTIO
WHAAAAAT

so yeah then everyone shows up and gives completely unqualified teachers to Baptista
and Baptista accepts them totally unquestioningly
and also some books from Tranio
who remember
is pretending to be Lucentio
and is asking for Bianca’s hand in marriage
even though NEITHER HE NOR THE REAL LUCENTIO HAVE EVER ACTUALLY MET HER
YEP GUYS SHE MUST HAVE SOME GRAPPLING HOOKS FOR TITS
BECAUSE IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH TO MAKE DUDES TRY AND GET UP ONS

but then Katherina shows up
and everyone’s like oh shit here comes the bitchstorm and they leave
except for Petruchio who’s like AWRIGHT LESS DO DIS
and then he and Katherina prepare to have the most EPIC RAP BATTLE OF ALL TIME
it’s so epic you really had to be there
the closest I can come to rendering it in its original form is:
KATE: YOU’RE A STOOL
PETRUCHIO: SIT ON MY FACE
KATE: I’M TOO FAT
PETRUCHIO: YOU’RE A BEE! BUZZZZZ.
KATE: YOU’RE A BUZZ. A BUZZ-ARD! ZING!
PETRUCHIO: TURTLE!
KATE: MORE BEES!
PETRUCHIO: LET’S MAKE OUT!
and then Kate smacks him

so obviously Petruchio decides that they need to get married on Sunday
and everyone comes back into the room because the screaming has died down
and Petruchio’s like GUESS WHAT GUYS
WE’RE GETTING MARRIED ON SUNDAY!
and Kate is like what the fuck
no
and Petruchio is like aw honey don’t be coy
you were totally into it when we were alone just a moment ago
and Kate is like NO NO WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THOSE NIGHTMARES WHERE NO ONE LISTENS TO YOU
AND THEN YOU’RE NAKED AND SOMEONE HAS NAILED YOU TO A CUCUMBER
and Petruchio is like that’s my Katherina alright
and for some reason no one sees any problem with this
and Petruchio goes off to get some clothes for the wedding
and Kate freaks the fuck out and goes to her room
and then Gremio is like hey Baptista
can I marry your daughter?
I’ve kinda been trying real hard for a long time
and it seems like it might finally work out
and Tranio is like hey Baptista
I’ll pay you twice as much for your daughter as whatever Gremio pays
and Baptista is like SOLD
and Gremio is like aww

but so anyway then the real Lucentio is EXACTLY where he wants to be
but the problem is
so is Hortensio
although Hortensio manages to begin his tenure as music professor
by getting a guitar broken over his head by Katherina
so okay she’s kind of a huge bitch but she is also a born rockstar
but then immediately after that Hortensio and Lucentio
(Lucentio’s codename is Cambio by the way)
are bitching each other out over who gets to tutor Bianca first
and bianca’s all GUYS
GUYS
I’M A GROWN-ASS WOMAN
I CAN PICK MY TUTORS MYSELF
so cambio gets to teach me greek right now
while the music teacher guy tunes his instrument
and Lucentio’s like YESSSSS

so Hortensio goes to tune his violin or whatever it is
and Lucentio and Bianca go over to the other side of the stage
and Lucentio starts translating latin to her
only he’s not translating latin
he’s just saying latin
and then saying whatever the fuck he wants afterwards
all like LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET
I AM LUCENTIO AND CAN WE BANG YET?
and Hortensio’s all HEY I’M DONE TUNING
and Bianca’s like YOU STILL SOUND LIKE SHIT
TUNE THAT SHIT SOME MORE
and then she’s like LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WE’VE NEVER EVEN MET
and Lucentio is like oh man i’ll change that around real soon
and Hortensio is like SERIOUSLY I’M DONE TUNING
and then he starts giving Bianca a lesson
and tries the SAME BULLSHIT BUT WITH MUSIC
and Bianca is having none of it
although I imagine this whole thing is another HUUUUGE boost to her ego
basically the upshot of it is no one gets laid
and Hortensio and Lucentio both suspect each other
of doing EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE DOING
so that’s cool

NOW IT IS SUNDAY ALL OF A SUDDEN
everyone is waiting for Petruchio to show up
but he’s not there
and then his shitty servant shows up like oy
Petruchio is on his way
but uh
you’re not gonna like it
he’s kind of dressed like a trashbag covered in vomit and poverty
and Baptista is like WHAT THE FUCK NO WAY
and then here comes Petruchio
looking like he drove a bargain dumptruck through the ugly store
then ran himself over with the truck
and everyone is like DUDE PLEASE BORROW MY CLOTHES
DON’T GET MARRIED LOOKING LIKE THIS
PLEASE DUDE BE REASONABLE
and Petruchio is like REASONABLE?
HAVE I EVER
EVER
DONE ANYTHING TO SUGGEST THAT I AM A REASONABLE PERSON?
COME ON TOOTS LET’S GET MARRIED
and then he marries Katherina
who is understandably upset about everything that is happening
and then immediately after the wedding Petruchio is like OK WELL THAT WAS NICE
NOW WE ARE LEAVING
SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FAMILY KATHERINA OH TOO LATE HERE WE GO
and Katherina is like hey whoa fuck no
we’re staying
and Petruchio is like hm
NOPE
and then he just kind of drags her away with him
and thus begins an all-out campaign of intense psychological warfare
conducted by Petruchio on his new wife
like on the way back to his place
he knocks over Kate’s horse
then beats his servant for letting it fall over
allowing the horse to remain on his wife
then they walk home through the snow and Petruchio immediately starts screaming
at EVERYTHING
screaming and hitting people and flinging food everywhere
he is just such a perfect bastard
that there is literally no time left over for Katherina to be a bitch
plus Petruchio is starving her and depriving her of sleep
literally
he is doing things that are specifically banned in the geneva convention
pretty sure
he straight WILL NOT GIVE HER MEAT
and he sits up every night
so that whenever she falls asleep he can just start SCREAMING UNTIL SHE WAKES UP
THIS IS STRAIGHT HORRIFIC TORTURE
THIS IS NOT A COMEDY ANYMORE THIS IS FUCKING TERRIFYING

Meanwhile back in Mantua
Hortensio has gone to Tranio
(who he still thinks is Lucentio)
to tattle on the real Lucentio for being all over Bianca
so they go and spy on Lucentio
and he’s totally laying the charm on as thick as extra chunky peanut butter
the peanut butter of LOVE
and Hortensio is like look at that
look at all that love butter
that’s disgusting
I can’t believe I was ever into that chick
Dude Lucentio
let’s make a deal
I will promise to never bang Bianca
if you make me the same promise
and Tranio is like YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
by the way I keep really wanting to write Tranio’s name as Traino
but anyway then Hortensio goes off to try and marry some rich widow
and Lucentio’s servant shows up like HEY
I GOT A GUY WHO CAN FRAUDULENTLY IMPERSONATE YOUR DAD
I DON’T REMEMBER WHY WE NEED THAT BUT I GOT IT
and Traino is like SWEET
TIME TO DO MORE SHIFTY BULLSHIT
and he goes and convinces this old dude to pretend to be Lucentio’s dad Vincentio

meanwhile Katherina is trying really hard to get some food
she is starving to death and the sleep deprivation doesn’t help either
god this is just an orgy of horror
let’s talk about something else

so Baptista shows up to Lucentio’s house
and Tranio is there with the old dude pretending to be his dad
all like YEAH TOTALLY LUCENTIO CAN DEF MARRY BIANCA
FINE BY ME
and Baptista
who you may have noticed
is INSANELY GULLIBLE
is like sweet let’s do it tomorrow
seriously you could make a shit sandwich
just bread and shit
and you could give it to Baptista and be like hey Baptista
I made you a sandwich
I can vouch for this sandwich
you should put it in your mouth
and he’d be like YES SIR IMMEDIATELY WHAT COULD GO WRONG

okay now we HAVE to cut back to Kate and Petruchio
there’s plot stuff going on
because now they’re headed back to Mantua
along with Hortensio
(who is hoping Petruchio will teach him to brutally dominate HIS new wife)
and they’re riding along and Petructio is like BOY
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FULL MOON WE GOT GOING ON TONIGHT
and Kate is like dude what the fuck it’s like 10AM
and Petruchio is like WRONG BITCH
WRONG
WHAT TIME IS IT
and Kate is like 10AM
and Petruchio is like WRONG AGAIN
GUESS WHAT TITS MCGEE
WE ARE NOT GOING A STEP CLOSER TO YOUR HOME AND FAMILY UNTIL YOU AGREE IT’S NIGHT
and Kate is like ok fine it’s 10PM
and Petructio is like BZZZZT
WRONGGGG
IT’S 10AM TWANKSHANKS ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND
and Kate is like FUCK FINE WHATEVER
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY
I WILL SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT I DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMORE
I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN WEEKS AND I THINK I AM DEAD
and Petruchio is like NOW WE’RE TALKIN’
and then they run into the actual Vincentio on the way to mantua
which just adds another wrinkle to the venerable penis that is this fucking plot

so then they all arrive in Mantua
and Lucentio has just run off to go get secretly married to Bianca
or like
sort of secretly married
I mean it was Lucentio who Baptista agreed to let marry his daughter
and now it is Lucentio who has snuck over to the church in the middle of the night
where the priest is waiting for him
and some witnesses also
and marrying Bianca
honestly I don’t know why the whole thing with the fake dad and Traino was necessary
probably just for laughs
but anyway while Lucentio is getting married Petruchio and Kate
and Hortensio and the REAL Vincentio
all show up to Lucentio’s house
and they’re like OY
WHERE LUCENTIO AT
and the old dude pretending to be Vincentio sticks his head out the window like
SHUT THE FUCK UP GO AWAY
and Vincentio is like BUT I’M HIS DAD
and the old dude is like NO ME
and then Traino shows up like oh shit we’re fucked
better continue the charade for as long as possible
so he starts yelling at Vincentio like YO OLD MAN STOP PRETENDING TO BE MY DAD
and Vincentio is like TRANIO YOU AREN’T EVEN MY SON WHAT ARE YOU DOING
so Tranio calls the cops and has Vincentio arrested
and then Lucentio shows up with Baptista and Bianca like dudes chill out
I married Bianca everything is fine
let me explain the thick syrup of lies I have been feeding everyone for weeks
and Baptista and Vincentio are like well shit
I guess that works out
still gonna beat the shit out of Triano though

so but then everyone has dinner together and parties it up hard
even the widow Hortensio married shows up
she’s a huge bitch to him and he has no idea what to do about it
and then she gets into a fight with Katherina and they almost murder each other
and all the dudes are like CAT FIGHT CAT FIGHT YESSSS
but then Bianca steps in and gets them to calm down and leave the room to talk it out
and then she leaves too
and then all the dudes start giving Petruchio shit for marrying the ultrabitch
and Petruchio is like orly?
I bet I’ve brainwashed and abused her to the point where she is a good wife
and everyone is like OH YEAH?
WANNA BET?
and Petruchio is like sure
let’s all send messengers to get our wives
and whichever one comes quickest, her husband gets 200 bucks
and Lucentio and Hortensio are like AWW YISS
so Lucentio sends a message for Bianca
and the messenger comes back like SHE’S BUSY
and then Hortensio sends a messenger for the widow
and the messenger is all SHE SAYS YOU SHOULD COME TO HER
and then Petruchio sends his message
and INSTANTLY Kate is in the room like yes sir what do you want sir don’t starve me
and Petruchio is like FETCH THE OTHER WIVES
so she gets them
and then she delivers a lecture on the importance of obedient wives
and all the men give Petruchio a round of applause
while he insults his wife’s hat
ANOTHER VICTORY FOR FEMINISM

so the moral of the story
is if you’ve been striking out with the ladies a lot recently
maybe it’s because you’re not using enough deceit and torture

the end.

oh hey so first of all
thank you to everyone who did guest myths during the guest (more than a) week
you made it possible for me to get my shit together in a whole different city
and I have friends now and an apartment so you guys rock
also you guys who read this piece of shit
all of you warm the cockles of my heart
hehe cockles

alright so I liked retelling hamlet so much that I am on a shakespeare kick now
here’s one about a whole cornucopia of idiots

alright so there’s this king Theseus right
OH SHIT THESEUS
you remember him right?
he’s that rompin’ stompin’ womanizing dick train from greece
fuck that describes pretty much every greek hero and also zeus
anyway this play we’re about to talk about
takes place in Athens right after Theseus has stolen Hyppolita from the Amazons
and right before he ditches her to fuck some other chick
and she kills herself at his wedding
so basically the play takes place in a relatively rare sweet spot
where Theseus is not being an asshole
MOVING ON

so Theseus and Hippolyta are about to get married right
but their premarital bliss is totally getting buzzkilled by some asshole Egeus
who is bitching about his daughter Hermia
and how she refuses to marry some prick Demetrius
and then Hermia busts in yelling about how Demetrius is a total prick
cause up until like a week ago he was all into this other broad Helena
and also cause she herself is totally tits over nipples for this other dude Lysander
who is also mega into her tits and nipples
and no one is interested in this Helena chick at all
even though Helena is practically tripping over her tits trying to get at Demetrius
so basically the central problem of this play
is that Hermia is way hotter than Helena

but so yeah Theseus is bored of listening to everyone bitch
so he’s like ALRIGHT
I’M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW GUYS
IF EVERYONE DOESN’T FIGURE OUT WHO THEY’RE MARRYING BY THEN
EVERYBODY DIES
and then he leaves
so then Hermia goes to her sexbiscuit Lysander
all like Lysander hey
shit’s fucked up
and Lysander’s like well you know what they say
when the going gets tough
the tough elope
seriously I have an aunt in the next town she’ll buy us beer and everything
OH YEAH I FORGOT
EVERYONE IS LIKE FIFTEEN IN THIS PLAY

so anyway then later Hermia runs into her main chick Helena
you know
the ugly one
and she’s like yo helena
me and my boytoy Lysander bout to elope tonight
hopefully once Demetrius realizes my vagina’s too far away he’ll settle for yours
good luck!
and then she leaves
and Helena is like CURSE HER HIGH CHEEKBONES
I CAN’T STAND TO SEE ANYONE HAPPY WHEN I AM SO UGLY ALL THE TIME
I KNOW
I’LL SHIT IN EVERYONE’S MILK BY TELLING DEMETRIUS ABOUT THE WHOLE PLAN
so she does
and Demetrius is like WELL BUTTER MY NUTSACK
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR RUNNING INTO THE FOREST BRANDISHING A SWORD
seriously now
who is the dipshit responsible for passing out swords to all these fucking tweens?

but anyway then it’s night time and everyone is in the forest
no one is enjoying themselves even a little bit
except for one dude but we’ll get to him later
right now what we are concerned with is some fucking faeries
they are called Oberon and Titania and they are supposed to be the king and queen
(of faeries)
but right now they are having a shit-fit over one of Oberon’s prepubescent boytoys
it doesn’t even matter why
the point is Titania has him and won’t give him back
and Oberon is being a petulant numbnuts and stomping his feet a lot
and then Titania leaves and he comes up with this plan
with the help of the one dude who is consistently having a good time:
Puck
Aka Robin Goodfellow
Aka the main driving force between all of the action in the fucking play
in Sandman Neil Gaiman portrays Puck as this like terrifying trickster
but honestly he seems more like someone who never bothered to learn competence
because he finds his incompetence fucking hilarious
anyway Oberon is like YO PUCK
THERE’S SOME REALLY DANGEROUS FLOWERS CHILLING IN THESE WOODS
IF YOU RUB THEM ON PEOPLE’S EYES WHILE THEY ARE ASLEEP
THEY WILL BE ALL HOT FOR THE FIRST THING THEY SEE WHEN THEY WAKE UP
WE ARE GOING TO MAKE TITANIA FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMETHING REALLY GROSS
IT WILL BE HILARIOUS

so puck goes off to pick some sexflowers
and meanwhile Oberon gets to watch Helena chasing Demetrius through the woods
while Demetrius chases Lysander and Hermia
presumably intending to kill them
oh and i guess now would be a good time to mention
that everyone in this play speaks in couplets
so when Helena is chasing Demetrius it sounds something like
IT’S HARD TO RUN AND STILL BE SEXY
I LOVE A MAN WHO WON’T RESPECT ME
and then Demetrius is all
GET OFF MY NUTS YOU SCABBY HO
NOW WHERE’D THAT TWAT LYSANDER GO?
and so on and so forth until Demetrius kicks Helena in the head and runs away

so Oberon is watching all of this
and one of his super powers is meddling
so when Puck gets back with all the sexyflowers
he’s like yo dude
new plan
I’m still gonna go put plant jizz all over my wife’s eyes
but now I ALSO want you to do it to this Athenian guy I found
he needs to fall in love with this ugly chick because why the fuck not
so Oberon goes off to massage his wife’s eyeballs with love juice
and meanwhile puck goes to find some Athenian dude
MEANWHILE here come Lysander and Hermia
being all lovey dovey and making me sick
but also being super lost and pretty incompetent
now see if this was a horror movie this is the part where they would start making out
and then Lysander would get stabbed in the brain by an evil shovel zombie
but noooo
instead they gotta be all proper about shit
and go to sleep like ten feet apart
because they’re not married yet and THAT SIMPLY ISN’T DONE
(this is Hermia’s idea by the way
Lysander is all for a little premarital hoinko boinko)
so here comes Puck riding the fuck you bus straight through forest towne
and he’s like WHOA HERE’S SOME CHICK SLEEPING REAL FAR FROM SOME DUDE
CLEARLY THIS IS THE DUDE OBERON WANTED ME TO PRANK
although actually this chick is not ugly at all
she has tits like silicone torpedoes
but oh well whatever
not like whatever happens won’t be FUCKING HILARIOUS anyway

so he anoints Lysander’s eyes with the love potion
and then here comes Demetrius and Helena
and Demetrius is like BITCH GET AWAY FROM ME
and Helena is like I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR FREE
but Demetrius is havin’ none of it
he just runs away leaving Helena in the clearing with the sleeping Lysander and his sidekick Hermia
and she’s like LYSANDER LYSANDER PLEASE BE AWAKE
and Lysander’s like THERE’S A FIRE IN MY LOINS AND YOUR COOCH IS A LAKE
and Helena is like whoa dude that’s pretty impolite
and Lysander is like I WANNA BANG YOU ALLLLLLL NIGHT
and Helena is like dude we aren’t rhyming anymore I am seriously creeped out
and Lysander is like I WOULD DESCRIBE ALL THE THINGS I WANNA DO TO YOU
BUT THAT SHIT WOULD GET BLEEPED OUT
and Helena is like fuck this i’m out of here
and she runs away and Lysander chases her
and then Hermia wakes up like what the fuck where’s my man at
and then SHE runs away looking for Lysander
and from here on out shit is officially fucked up

SO CUT TO SOME CONSTRUCTION WORKERS REHEARSING A PLAY IN THE WOODS
and if you thought everyone else in this play was idiots
lemme let you in on a little secret, sugartits
these characters right here are written with the SPECIFIC AND EXCLUSIVE PURPOSE
of being being the most elite paratroopers of stupidity every to drop out of the moron hatch
they are:
Peter Quince, the carpenter
Snug, the Joiner
Francis Flute, the Bellows-mender
Robin Starveling, the tailor
Tom Snout, the tinkerer
and NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER
guys
if there was every any doubt that it was shakespeare who wrote these plays
instead of some fancy rich asshole with too much time on his hands
NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER is all the proof you need
to convince you that no educated person would be caught dead near this theatrical clusterfuck
so lemme get this straight
you’re writing a play set in athens
your characters are named things like Theseus
Helena
and NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER
that’s like if you wrote a play set in the stone age with a bunch of cavemen
and one of them was named PROFESSOR MCBUTTS THE ASTROPHYSICIST
actually could someone please write that play

but anyway speaking of plays these guys are performing one
somehow they got their hands on a copy of the script for pyramus and thisby
i don’t know why anyone would sell a script to these idiots but they did
and now everyone is trying to figure out what parts they will play
and Nick Bottom the Weaver has already got it all figured out
you see Nick Bottom the Weaver is going to play EVERY PART
but Peter Quince is pretty used to dealing with the fucking Diva festival that is Bottom
so he convinces bottom to just settle for the lead role: Pyramus
and so bottom happily proceeds to not memorize any of the lines and yell a lot
meanwhile everyone else gets cast as other stuff
but it doesn’t matter because it’s all going to get changed around later
when they decide they need actors playing the parts of all the inanimate objects in the play
in fact the rest of the seen is spent fucking the entire script to death
like OH FUCK EVERYONE IS GONNA THINK THE LION IS REAL
BETTER SPEND TEN MINUTES EXPLAINING THAT IT ISNT
ALSO WE NEED SOMEONE TO PLAY THE WALL
BETWEEN PYRAMUS AND THISBY’S HOUSES
AND UH
HOW ABOUT THE MOON?
WE DON’T HAVE ANYONE PLAYING THE MOON YET
also bottom still really wants to play the lion but that ship has sailed
and then to top it all off
Puck shows up and puts the final nail in the coffin by showing up during the dress rehearsal
and turning Bottom’s head into an ASS’S HEAD
HAHA ASS MEANS BUTT AND SO DOES BOTTOM
DO YOU GET IT?
IF NOT THAT’S OKAY
BECAUSE SHAKESPEARE’S GONNA BEAT THAT DEAD HORSE FOR 50 MORE PAGES
oh yeah and then all of Bottom’s friends run away
because really they were looking for an excuse to ditch that guy
and then he runs into Titania
who remember
has gotten lovejuice massaged into her eyeballs by her petulant child-raping husband
and she wakes up and she’s like OH MAN SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR DISGUSTING FACE
REALLY TURNS ME ON
HERE
HAVE SOME SLAVES AND ALSO MY AFFECTION
so everything works out pretty well for Bottom and basically no one else

OKAY CUT BACK TO THE HORNY TEENS CHASING EACH OTHER IN THE DARK
or actually cut back to Puck and Oberon laughing about how they just pranked Titania
although just to clarify guys
this was NOT PUCK’S PLAN AT ALL
he just saw some dudes and he was like man you know what would be great
is if that guy had a DONKEY HEAD
and then Bottom just happened to run into Titania later and everything worked out perfectly
what did i tell you about Puck being fantastically incompetent?
and then Oberon is like hey so did you make that athenian dude fall in love with that chick like i said?
and puck is like yeah totally
oh look here they come right now
but it’s not them
it’s Hermia getting chased by Demetrius
and Hermia is screaming at Demetrius tryin to find out where Lysander’s at
and Demetrius is like HOW ABOUT WE JUST FUCK AND FORGET ABOUT IT
and Hermia is like EW HOW ABOUT I KILL MYSELF
and Demetrius is like HOW ABOUT I KILL LYSANDER
and Hermia is like YOU’D HAVE TO FIND HIM FIRST
and Oberon is like PUCK GOD DAMMIT WHAT DID YOU DO
and Puck is like I don’t know but it sure is hilarious
and then Hermia runs away and leaves Demetrius alone in the woods
and Demetrius is so overcome with grief that he falls asleep
and Oberon is like alright Puck
dude’s asleep right in front of us
go fix this shit
and Puck’s like sure why not
so he rubs lovejuice on Demetrius’s face

now at this point the relationship dynamics in this play may seem a little complicated
so i have devised a handy chart for keeping track of who wants to bang who
observe:

okay so yeah Demetrius has got lovejuice all over his eyes
and in comes Helena getting chased by Lysander
and Helena is all like STOP CHASING ME I’M GETTING TIRED
and Lysander is like MY DICK’S SO HARD I’M FULLY WIRED
GIRL I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY SON
and Demetrius wakes up like YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE
and Helena’s like HA HA GUYS THAT’S VERY FUNNY
and Demetrius is like NOT AS FUNNY AS MY COCK, HONEY
and Lysander’s like what the fuck is that supposed to mean
and Demetrius is like what do you THINK it means?
and Lysander’s like MAKE ME
and then they’re about to beat the shit out of each other
and HERMIA shows up
like THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE THESE WOODS ARE WEIRD
and Lysander’s like BITCH I WOULDN’T USE YOUR PUBES TO WIPE MY BEARD
and Helena is like don’t mind him hermia
he is just trying to prank me by pretending to be in love with me
god this is like high school all over again
also Demetrius is doing the same thing
and Helena is like GOD DAMMIT LYSANDER STOP PRANKING HER
and Lysander is like BITCH I AIN’T PRANKING SHIT
GET AWAY FROM ME
and Demetrius is like NO YOU GET AWAY FROM ME
I AM GONNA BANG HELENA AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
and Helena is like guys this prank is really hurting my feelings
and Hermia is like YOUR feelings?
they both want to bang you
what about MY feelings?
I am not gonna get shown up by some short tall ugly bitch
and Helena is like WHO YOU CALLIN UGLY YOU FUCKIN MIDGET
and instead of standing back and watching the catfight unfold like real men
maybe providing some jello
Demetrius and Lysander start doing the SAME SHIT
all insulting each other and about to fight or whatever
and everyone keeps calling Hermia short
because i guess it’s the one flaw anyone can find with her PERFECT GODDAMN BODY
and basically no one is happy at all
except for Puck
who is sitting in a tree with some popcorn
laughing
his
ass off

so Demetrius and Lysander decide they need to run off into the woods
to have the ULTIMATE PISSING CONTEST for Helena’s love
and Hermia is like NO GUYS COME BACK AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME
and Lysander is like LET GO OF ME SHORTY SHORT SHORTPANTS
and he runs away
and Hermia is like HELENA YOU TOWERING BITCH I’M GONNA CUT YOU
and Helena is like YOU MAY HAVE A KNIFE BUT MY LEGS ARE LONGER THAN YOURS
I’M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
so she sprints away

so Oberon goes up to puck and he’s like hey puck
and puck’s like yeah?
and Oberon is like what the fuck did you do Puck?
and Puck’s like man I did exactly what you told me to do
and Oberon’s like fair enough
so uh
wanna go fix it?
and Puck’s like sure boss
so he goes into the woods where Demetrius and Lysander are chasing each other
and he pretends to be both of them until they both run into trees trying to find him
and pass out
and then he puts MORE LOVE POTION on Lysander’s eyes
and then Helena and Hermia show up and they fall asleep there too
jesus does everyone have narcolepsy in this play?

meanwhile Bottom is getting the royal treatment
but then Puck shows up and dispells the love potion that’s on Titania
and then Titania is like EWW WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and then i guess she and Oberon get back together
because all it took was for Oberon to prank his wife real good one time
and everything worked itself out

so meanwhile the sun comes up
and Theseus and Hippolyta come waltzing through the woods
and they pretty much trip over these four sleeping idiot tweens
and they’re like YO KIDS
WAKE YO ASSES UP
and everyone wakes up and is in love with the right people
like Lysander is in love with Hermia
and Demetrius is in love with Helena
and everyone gets married IMMEDIATELY
and then at the wedding reception
Bottom and co show up to perform the shittiest version of Pyramus and Thisby ever
I won’t bother to tell you the story because I already told it to you MONTHS AGO
but suffice to say everyone is severely incompetent
and none of the people watching the play let anyone say two lines in a row
without interrupting and being total dicks about it
so that’s a good way to round things out
and then everyone lives happily ever after
except probably Demetrius because he got pranked into marrying some ugly broad

so the moral of the story
is if you can’t be
with the one you love
get a fairy to anoint your eyes with flower spooge
you’ll fall in love a goddamn air conditioning unit if you have to

THE END.

Woo I’m back
I still don’t have a house
I am staying in a place where at least two people offer to sell me blow per day
it’s great I am loving it a lot
here is a story about a dumb idiot

okay so there’s this kid hamlet right
he’s real pissed because his uncle killed his dad
and is now fucking his mom
why would you get pissed about something like that
it happens ALL THE TIME
oh yeah also his mom is the QUEEN OF DENMARK
which makes hamlet’s uncle the KING
and also hamlet is the prince but he’s gonna die anyway so who cares
actually everyone is gonna die
spoilers

so basically the play opens with hamlet being real snippy to his stepdad
and then his pal Horatio
whose job is to stoke Hamlet’s retard fires with plenty of idiot coal
shows up all like HEY HAMLET COME HERE I SAW THE GHOST OF YOUR DAD
and hamlet is like BULLSHIT LEMME SEE
OH SHIT THAT’S TOTALLY MY DAD’S GHOST OVER THERE
HE’S TELLING ME TO KILL MY UNCLE
GOOD THING I ALWAYS LISTEN WHEN GHOSTS TELL ME TO KILL PEOPLE
guys when was the last time a ghost told you to do something constructive
like run the dishwasher or do yoga
i feel like ghosts only ever give bad advice
but whatever

so then hamlet wanders around for about several years
(which translates into roughly 2 hours of your valuable real-life time)
being crazy and not accomplishing anything
so it falls to the other characters to be interesting and do things
ENTER OPHELIA
she’s some chick Hamlet was trying to bang I guess
but the thing no one seems to realize
is hamlet is crazy and he doesn’t give a fuck about Ophelia even at all
Ophelia’s bro Laertes is all HEY OPHELIA BE SURE NOT TO FUCK HAMLET
I FEEL LIKE HE IS PROBABLY CRAZY AND ALSO A TERRIBLE HUSBAND
and Ophelia is like psh whatever bro
and then Ophelia’s dad Polonius immediately shows up like HEY OPHELIA
HAVE YOU FUCKED HAMLET YET BECAUSE DON’T
IN FACT
LET’S BE ON THE SAFE SIDE
HOW ABOUT NEVER SPEAK TO HAMLET EVER AGAIN
BE SURE TO OFFER NO EXPLANATION AT ALL
THAT’S A GOOD WAY TO TREAT CRAZY PEOPLE
and Ophelia is like ok gosh fine ok dad

so meanwhile the King uncle dude
whose name is Claudius by the way
hits up some of Hamlet’s old bros named Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
who I think shakespeare named specifically to fuck with my typing fingers
and he’s like hey guys
Hamlet’s wandering around getting crazy all over my nice palace
i’ll totally pay you to take him out for some beers and make him chill the fuck out
and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are like NO PROBLEM BRO
and OFF THEY GO
but it turns out Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are not licensed psychiatrists
and are thus TOTALLY USELESS WHEN DEALING WITH HAMLET
who is wandering around yelling about things like bodkins
and dreams that come
and whether or not there are bees or something
i don’t know
he talks a lot and I think i fell asleep for a while
but anyway finally he’s like oh man
all this wandering around yelling about murder
made me TOTALLY FORGET about how i promised to murder my uncle like eighty pages ago
i should probably get on that
but how?
OH I KNOW
I’LL PRODUCE A PLAY ABOUT HOW MY UNCLE MURDERED MY DAD
god dammit hamlet
we are already in a play about how your uncle murdered your dad
what are you doing
what the fuck are you doing
are you trying to piss me off?
is this like the song that never ends
except instead of songs
it is fucking soliloquies about how you wish your flesh would melt off?
but anyway yeah that’s his brilliant plan
he wants to put on the play and if Claudius freaks out he’ll know he’s guilty
WAY TO DISTRUST YOUR GHOST DAD DICKWIT
IF A GHOST OF YOUR DAD SHOWS UP AND TELLS YOU WHO KILLED HIM
YOU HAVE SOME PRETTY PRIME FUCKING EVIDENCE RIGHT THERE
YOU DON’T NEED TO GO AROUND DOING SPEECHES AND CRYING AND WRITING PLAYS
WHAT ARE YOU A FUCKING POET?
IF YOU ARE THEN YOU SHOULDN’T BE WRITING PLAYS SHOULD YOU TWATBISCUIT
WELL I MEAN I GUESS SHAKESPEARE WAS A POET
BUT YOU’RE NOT SHAKESPEARE ARE YOU ASSHOLE
I MEAN YOU KIND OF ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE A SHAKESPEARE CHARACTER
BUT LOOK JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP OK

but ok so meanwhile
i guess hamlet like freaks out and pulls a really creepy move on Ophelia
where he just busts into her room and starts touching her face and shit
not saying anything
just sitting there
touching
and so Ophelia goes to her dad like what the fuck do I do dad
and Polonius is like oh shit
I guess he was genuinely in love with you after all
man my mistake for telling you to dump him
WHAT?!
NO
THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE
THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY A CRAZY ASSHOLE
but that is not how things work in the glacially slow mind of professor retard
(that is my clever nickname for Polonius)
so he runs to Claudius and he’s like yo
Claudius
I figured out why Hamlet’s being a crazy asshole
it’s because of my daughter
and Claudius is like YES OF COURSE
IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HOW I MURDERED HIS DAD
AND FUCKED HIS MOM
LET US ESTABLISH THIS BY SETTING UP A MEETING BETWEEN HAMLET AND OPHELIA
AND THEN EAVESDROPPING ON IT
why is everyone trying to establish shit all the time
why aren’t they just manning up and killing each other
that’s why we showed up to this play right?
right.

so they set up this meeting between hamlet and ophelia
and hamlet does the reasonable thing and treats her like shit
and gets really excited about her becoming a nun
I guess maybe it is a fetish for him or something?
but yeah basically no one who is eavesdropping has any idea what the fuck this means
they are failing to drop any substantial eaves
like they are letting eaves fly left and right
but they are falling WAYYY WIDE OF THE MARK
eaves all dropping on innocent bystanders
mutilating their private fucking conversations

but okay so the play happens
not the play we’re already watching
the play hamlet made
and hamlet is a really shitty audience member the entire time
yelling at everyone and asking for refills on his soda and throwing things
in one version I saw he had a flashlight and he kept shining it in everyone’s eyes
in another version Mel Gibson just started climbing everyone’s chairs
the point is Hamlet went through a lot of trouble to put on this play
by which i mean he payed some dudes and then he yelled at them a little
and now here he is shitting directly into the center of it
but GUESS WHAT
HIS PLAN WORKS
CLAUDIUS FREAKS THE FUCK OUT WITH GUILT AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM
so Hamlet is like AT LAST I HAVE MY PROOF
I KNOW WHAT I GOTTA DO
I GOTTA
CONTINUE DOING MONOLOGUES FOR ANOTHER COUPLE HOURS
YAYYYYYYYYYYYY

Meanwhile Claudius is in his room like oh fuck oh shit i am not going back to jail
guys we gotta send Hamlet to England to chill out for a while
and Polonius is like GREAT IDEA
you know how we can make it an even better idea?
get his mom to chill him the fuck out
THEN send him to England
and I will make it even better by eavesdropping on their conversation
I feel like I did not drop enough eaves earlier
and Claudius is like sure why the hell not
hey wife go solve my problems

so Gertrude hits up hamlet like yo son
and hamlet is like OH SHIT TIME TO SCREAM AND THREATEN VIOLENCE
AAAAAAAAAAAA VIOLENCE VIOLENCE VIOLENCE
THIS MEETING IS HAVING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE INTENDED EFFECT
so then Polonius
who is dropping mad eaves as discussed
is all like GUARDS GUARDS GET IN HERE HAMLET IS GONNA CRAZY HIS MOM TO DEATH
and Hamlet is like FUCK I ALMOST JUST TRIPPED OVER ALL THE EAVES GETTING DROPPED HERE
BETTER STAB WHOEVER JUST SAID THAT
so he stabs polonius who proceeds to die
and hamlet has kind of thinks he is rats or maybe the king
or maybe the rat king from the nutcracker suite or something
but nope
it’s polonius
captain of the SS Dumbass
and when Hamlet finds that out he is actually kind of sad
so he responds to it like any of us would
he drags the body away and hides it in some stairs

so then comes the part of the play
where everyone is trying to get hamlet to tell them where the body is
and he is being a prick about it
seriously like
he admits to everyone that he killed Polonius
and they’re like where’s the body
and he’s like WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW
and then finally he tells them
and Claudius
who has really wanted to kill hamlet for a while
is like fuck dude now I pretty much HAVE to banish you
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
please to escort hamlet to England
with a note that says the king of england should kill him
MY CLEVERNESS KNOWS NO BOUNDS
oh PS Ophelia is crazy now
turns out having your dad stabbed by the same crazy asshole who’s trying to bone you
is not conducive to mental health
so she walks around singing songs and not listening to anyone at all
and then Laertes shows up
he was in France this whole time so he didn’t have to deal with Hamlet’s bullshit
but he’s sure as shit back now
now that his dad is dead and his sister is a full time resident of hotel crazy
he’s like what the fuck hamlet
hamlet
what the fuck
I knew you were kind of a shitty guy
but what are you even doing
did you spend your vast royal inheritance on a dump truck
and then use all the time I was gone to fill it with your feces
and then at the appointed moment
release it over the heads of everyone I know and/or love?
THAT SEEMS LIKE WHAT YOU DID HAMLET

and then WHABAM
HAMLET IS BACK BITCHES
all like yeah what’s up
totally hitched a ride with some pirates
also
replaced rosencrantz and guildenstern’s letter with a letter saying to kill them
that’s right
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead
i feel like that is the name of some other play
that is much better than this one
whatever
now that I’m back I can FINALLY ENACT MY MASTER PLAN:
STARING AT THIS SKULL I FOUND AND TALKING MORE
HOLY SHITBALLS HAMLET
STOP TALKING AND FUCKING STAB SOMEONE ALREADY

but so meanwhile Claudius hears Hamlet is back
because hamlet shows up at Polonius’s funeral and pisses everyone off by talking
so Claudius is like GOD DAMMIT ASSHOLE WHY WON’T YOU DIE
and he convinces Laertes
(who if you recall
is really pissed off at Hamlet)
to have a friendly duel with him
that just happens to involve a poison-tipped sword
and also a cup full of poison in case the sword misses
basically there is just gonna be poison all over the place
and then while they’re planning this someone walks in like hey
Ophelia drowned by the way
apparently she had the kind of crazy that makes you bad at swimming
and Laertes is like HAMLET
SERIOUSLY

so they have their duel
pretty sure hamlet does some more talking first but whatever
the point is they have a duel
after shaking hands and promising not to be mad at each other
and Hamlet is just beating the shit out of Laertes
not even getting stabbed with any poison at all
so Claudius is like HEY DUDE GOOD JOB
DRINK THIS CUP OF POISON TO CELEBRATE
and Gertrude is like HEY I LIKE POISON LEMME GET AT THAT
and Claudius is like wait no that’s not for you aww shit
and Laertes is like well shit
everything is fucked now
better be a cheater and stab hamlet a couple times
so he does
and hamlet is like OW FUCK
LEMME TAKE YOUR SWORD AND STAB YOU BACK
and Laertes is like HAMLET
HAMLET DO YOU EVER STOP SUCKING
SERIOUSLY THIS IS BOWLING BALL THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE LEVEL SUCKING
and then he dies
and Hamlet is like well fuck
I have a sword with poison all over it
my mom and one of my best bros are both dead
the king is right here
why not stab him a couple times?
so he does
and the king is like ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?
I HAD THREE GREAT PLANS FOR KILLING YOU
THREE
YOU KNOW HOW MANY PLANS YOU HAD?
NONE
YOU STABBED ME JUST NOW BECAUSE I HAPPENED TO BE IN THE ROOM WITH A POISON SWORD
IT’S NOT EVEN YOUR SWORD
IT’S NOT EVEN YOUR POISON
NOT EVEN YOUR ROOM COME TO THINK OF IT
WHAT THE FUCK HAMLET
SERIOUSLY

so then hamlet is dying from the poison obviously
so he lies down like OH DANG I AM DYING
TIME TO MAKE MORE SPEECHES
and Horatio is like shhh shhh it’s ok
no one wants to hear you talk anymore
no one ever wanted to hear you talk
and then hamlet dies
and then the king of Norway shows up like WELP
UH
FINDERS KEEPERS?

so the moral of the story
is if you are trying to kill someone
you should try just stabbing them immediately
soliloquies do not help with this
but on the other hand
if what you are trying to do is get revenge on someone
maybe subjecting them to two hours of interminable gibberish
and then accidentally killing them at the last possible moment
is the PERFECT plan

The end!