The Word “Purloin” Always Makes Me Think of Cat Groins

[bad news guys
due to some crazy Neverending Story shit
I got sucked into a really bad Edgar Allen Poe piece
called The Purloined Letter
so today’s myth is being broadcast from inside of this travesty]

Okay, let me tell you about my bro August Dupin

He is actually sort of a tool and I don’t know why we’re bros
wait, SORT of a tool?
This guy is a 1000 volt multitool
a megatool that slices, dices, and condescends with superhuman rapidity
He’s a dick, is what I’m trying to get across here
but don’t let that sour you on him, friends
because he is apparently also the only person in the whole world
who is not 100% prime retard
ALLOW ME TO RELATE AN ANECDOTE THAT ILLUSTRATES THIS:

So me and Dupin are chilling in the study in the middle of the day
with big curtains over the windows cause we’re goths
when the chief of police busts in like DUPIN DUPIN
SOLVE CRIMES FOR ME
and Dupin is like Whoah chill out
what crimes are you referring to?
And the detective is like “OKAY CHECK IT:
so I am in the employ of the queen or something
and this dude she knows just stole a letter from her
he stole it literally right in front of her
while she was sitting at her desk talking to someone else
he is THAT SLICK
and that letter
hoo boy
that letter is basically like the analog equivalent of phone sex
wait
is the analog equivalent of phone sex just real sex?
what about sexy telegrams? Where do those fit in?
Whatever
the point is that letter has sex all up ins
and so this guy who stole this letter has been blackmailing the SHIT out of this queen
and she just offered me like a million bucks to get it back.
so far so good, right
but this thief dude is WAYYYY too smart for me and my army of police
seriously we searched all up IN that guy’s house
like under the tables
behind the walls
inside his dog
we fucking trucked in a sonar machine, dude
I am not even exaggerating
we went through the whole house square foot by square foot
and stuck needles into everything to see if they were letters
because that is how you identify letters
NO
JOKE”

and Dupin is all “Hmm.
Yes.
I see.
Did you search the papers on his desk?”

and the police guy is like “DURRR
Yeah of course we searched his desk.
We are looking for a letter, why wouldn’t we do that
we’d have to be mighty stupid not to have scrutinized the number one place where paper lives in a house.”

so Dupin is all “Mmhmm.
I see.
Yes.
Go search it all again.”

A WHOLE MONTH PASSES while the police chief goes and does that
at which point he comes back like “Hey Dupin
shitty advice, buddy.
We didn’t find it and now a month of my life is gone.”
And Dupin is like “I’ll tell you why you didn’t find it
you didn’t find it because I HAVE IT
I will give it to you for HALF OF THE REWARD MONEY.”
So that happens.

Now my bro Dupin likes to talk a lot, so let me summarize why he has the letter:
basically,
everyone is a fucking idiot
guess where the letter was hidden?
ON THE FUCKING DESK WITH ALL THE PAPERS.
How was it so cleverly disguised that an army of policemen who were looking for letters did not find it?
I DON’T KNOW, MAN
ALL THE GUY DID WAS TURN IT INSIDE OUT AND PUT A DIFFERENT SEAL ON IT
YOU WOULD THINK
THAT IF YOUR JOB WAS TO GO INTO A HOUSE AND FIND A LETTER
YOU MIGHT MAKE A PARTICULAR STUDY
OF ANY LETTERS YOU HAPPENED TO FIND
but no
apparently we live in moron world
and that’s okay, because we get paid

oh but how did Dupin get the letter back?
Good question, friends
what he did is he went over to the thief dude’s house
and then he paid a CRIMINAL
to discharge a BLUNDERBUSS
in a CROWD of WOMEN and CHILDREN
all for the purpose of distracting that one guy while Dupin stole the letter back
great job everyone
really, great
seriously I don’t know why I live with this guy.

I guess if I had to come up with a moral for this story
it would probably be
that in the kingdom of the blind
the one-eyed man is Dupin.

Someone get me out of the 1800s, seriously
it’s terrible here and everything is steam engines.

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Dorian Gray is Creepy Sexy

Awright my little sex tadpoles
today you are going to hear about a dude who is rude and crude
but knows an excellent plastic surgeon
they call him
DORIAN GRAY
(not to be confused with gay mystery author Dorien Grey)
This dude lived way back in the day
inside one of Oscar Wilde’s novels
AND THIS IS HIS STORY

So first off there’s these two dudes
One is named Basil and he is a painter
the other one is named Lord Henry and he is an asshole
so Henry shows up at Basil’s crib one day like HEY BASIL
HAVE I TOLD YOU YET ABOUT HOW YOU SHOULD PARTY ALL THE TIME AND TO HELL WITH EVERYONE
and Basil is like Yes Henry
that is all you are ever telling people
you seem to be completely incapable of any other form of speech
and Henry is like COOL STORY BRO
HEY
WHO’S THAT HOT DUDE YOU’RE PAINTING?
and Basil is like Oh
that’s Dorian Gray
he is pure and innocent and totally fuckable
don’t talk to him, you’ll ruin him
but Henry doesn’t hear him because he’s already over there by Dorian
RUINING

He’s like HEY DORIAN SO I CAN SEE YOU’RE PRETTY HOT
BUT YOU’RE GONNA GET OLD, BRO
AND THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HAVE?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE
YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A BUNCH OF AWESOME MEMORIES OF HOW HARD YOU AND I USED TO PARTY
LET’S ROLL
and Dorian is like Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssss
and on his way out he gets real angry at his own portrait
because it represents a pinnacle of hotness that he’s totally gonna age out of
and he’s like Man
I would give my right nut to have that painting age instead of me
Good thing I’m not in a book or anything
cause if I was
the author might hear me saying this and do something CRAAAAAZY

So meanwhile Lord Henry is doing everything he can to fuck this kid up
he is taking him to sweet parties and hobnobbing with all the nobles
and Dorian is just eating his bullshit right up
and then one day Dorian is wandering through the slums
and he finds this theater
and he goes inside and immediately falls cock over balls for this hot actress named Sibyl
two days later:
BAM
engaged to be married
SHIT MOVES FAST WHEN YOU ARE THIS GOOD LOOKING

so naturally everyone but Dorian and Sibyl are pretty worried about this
because these kids hardly know anything about each other beyond cup size
except actually Sibyl’s mom isn’t really worried
cause Dorian seems rich
and Lord Henry isn’t really worried
because who needs worrying when you have all these whores to take care of?
so actually the only people who are worried about this
are Basil, who worries about everything cause he’s no fun
and Sibyl’s bro
who is a sailor
and so is blessed with the ability to see fiascos coming from MILES AWAY.
That’s a thing sailors can do
because of storms or something
you can trust me on this
I rode my bike past a couple boats the other day

anyway, Sibyl’s bro is like SIBYL
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THIS GUY IS CLEARLY A BIG BUCKET OF FIASCO
I CAN TELL BECAUSE I AM A SAILOR
and Sibyl is like pshaw, bro
have you SEEN his junk?
I think i’m in love!
Everyone wears such tight pants in this day and age
IT IS TRULY A GOOD TIME TO BE A LADY
and her bro is like alright dude
but if he breaks your heart
I swear I’ma kill him
OOPS LOOK AT THAT
TIME FOR ME TO GO TO AUSTRALIA AND LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE AT FIASCO CENTRAL

So Dorian is super excited about his upcoming marriage
and he takes his posse
(thems being Basil and Henry)
to go see Sibyl do some Shakespeare
in preparation for him going to do some Sibyl
but oh shit what is this?
It turns out Sibyl SUCKS AT ACTING NOW
because she is so genuinely in love with Dorian
that her fake emotions don’t work anymore
she’s like DON’T YOU SEE, DORIAN
NOW THAT I’VE MET YOU
I CAN QUIT ACTING AND WE CAN BE HAPPY TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER
and Dorian is like uh
that’s kind of a dealbreaker actually
peace
(somehow this reminds me of a much more realistic version of the gift of the magi)

So Dorian gets home
oh yeah and he has that painting now that Basil made of him
and when he gets home he goes and looks at it
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
THE PAINTING APPEARS TO HAVE CHANGED
now it is sneering in a really infuriating way
so Dorian covers it up with a towel so it won’t watch him while he sleeps
and he goes to bed feeling kinda bad about the whole Sibyl thing
but then he wakes up in the morning and it turns out she killed herself
and he’s sort of upset
but then Henry is like WHY WORRY ABOUT THAT
WHEN YOU COULD BE WORRYING ABOUT
MORE WHORES
BECAUSE AS YOU KNOW, MY FRIEND
MORE WHORES
IS THE ONLY KIND OF WHORES
THAT RHYMES
and Dorian is like YOU MAKE SUCH BRILLIANT POINTS
LET’S GO GET FUCKED UP AND NEVER BE SAD AGAIN

MANY YEARS PASS
Dorian stays true to his word
he basically goes through life like King Midas
except instead of gold
everything he touches turns to debauchery and suicide
seriously
this dude’s friends are killing themselves faster than toddlers in an antifreeze factory
i’m sorry, that was kinda tasteless
BUT THAT ANTIFREEZE SURE WASN’T
but yeah, this guy is cruel and unusual

he is cruel mainly in the ordinary ways
like with drugs and being an asshole and stuff
but he is unusual in that the more fucked up he gets
the more fucked up his portrait gets
(he keeps it in his attic now)
but he just STAYS PRETTY
and everyone is hearing all these rumors about him
but they’re all like WE CAN’T BELIEVE THOSE RUMORS
THIS DUDE IS JUST WAY TOO PRETTY

man, whoever is in charge of cursing paintings or whatever
let me just say right now
I would def give my right nut to be so pretty people considered me infallible

ANYWAY
one day Dorian is on his way home
and he sees that Basil guy walking through the mist towards him
and he tries to avoid him, but Basil has like a homing beacon for assholes
so he rolls right up to him and he’s like HEY DUDE
I HAVE TO WARN YOU:
PEOPLE ARE SAYING TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT YOU
and Dorian is like Yeah well
those things are all true
and Basil is like WHAT? NO.
and Dorian is like naw dude check it out
look at this portrait in my attic
and Basil is like HOLY SHIT I TOTALLY PAINTED THAT
and Dorian is like Yeah
and now it’s all fucked up because of shit I did
oh, and also I’m murdering you now
okay and now I’m going to go establish an alibi
and then I’m going to blackmail a chemist I know to dissolve your body in acid
then I’ll act kinda weird at some parties for a while
and finally head off to the opium district to get so fucked up my problems disintegrate
how do you feel about that?
and Basil doesn’t say anything because he’s dead and Dorian is high as balls

But when Dorian leaves the opium den
some chick is like OOH THERE GOES PRINCE CHARMING
and Sibyl’s sailor bro just happens to be hanging out there
WAITING for Dorian to drop in
so he chases him down and he puts a gun to his head and he’s like DUDE
I don’t know your name
or your face
but my sister used to be engaged to a dude she called prince charming 18 years ago
and that is all the evidence I need to shoot you with bullets
because frankly
we live in a time before the internet
and research is hard

but Dorian is thinking fast
despite all the opium playing bumper cars in his cerebrum
so he’s like Dude
If I really was the dude who fucked over your sister
I wouldn’t still be lookin’ this good 18 years later, would I?
and the sailor is like Well, you DO look pretty good.
You go on home now, totally unsuspicious handsome guy
sorry to have bothered you.
And then he goes back to the opium den and everyone is like DUDE
THAT WAS TOTALLY THE GUY YOU WERE LOOKING FOR
and he’s like FUCK

So he goes back to chasing Dorian
like the revenge-crazed Elmer Fudd to Dorian’s Sociopathic Bugs Bunny
and he manages to track Dorian down while Dorian is hunting
but it turns out british dudes are really terrible at hunting
so some guys just accidentally shoot the sailor in the face while he’s skulking in the bushes
and Dorian is saved once again!
DID YOU COME TO THIS BOOK EXPECTING JUSTICE?
YOU DON’T KNOW OSCAR WILDE VERY WELL, DO YOU MY FRIEND?

Okay so cut to Dorian lounging with his old pal Henry
and Dorian is like Hey man
remember Basil?
Totally murdered that guy.
And Henry is like No you didn’t, Dorian
you’re too sexy for murder.
And Dorian is like Oh, right.
Well anyway I’ve decided to change my ways
like, the other day I was out in the country
and I totally DIDN’T seduce a farmer’s daughter I saw standing around.
How about THAT?
And Henry is like Nope.
No, no, no.
You’re not going to change your ways, Dorian.
You are too sexy to change your ways.

So Dorian is like FUCK
FINE
and he leaves and goes up to his attic to see his portrait
to see if his half-assed promise to be good made his painting any prettier
and obviously it didn’t
except that now his portrait looks like a total hypocrite
and that really pisses Dorian off, I guess
so he whips out a knife and stabs that painting right in its hypocrite face
and the next thing anyone knows
there’s this crazy scream from upstairs
and everyone goes up there to find a perfectly unharmed portrait of pretty young Dorian
and some gross dead old dude stabbed to death on the floor
but when they check his copious amount of rings
they discover
THAT THE OLD MAN IS ACTUALLY DORIAN GRAY HIMSELF.
WHO DID NOT SEE THIS COMING?
RAISE YOUR HAND.
THEN USE THAT HAND TO SMACK YOURSELF.

so the moral of the story
is don’t stab a magic portrait of yourself that grants you eternal youth.
pretty basic stuff, really.

THE END.

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Not to be Confused with A Knight’s Tale

so there’s these dudes
(as usual)
they are on a pilgrimage to canterbury
because that is where the cathedral is at
and dudes love makin’ pilgrimages to cathedrals
but it’s a long way to canterbury from wherever the fuck they are
and no one thought to bring an automobile
INTO THE PAST, WHERE THIS STORY TAKES PLACE
so they’ve gotta find creative ways to not be very bored
because nobody brought internet either.

So this one dude, who runs an inn back home
is like “Guys, I have a great idea
let’s have a storytelling contest.
Ready set go!”
And then this knight steps up to the storytelling plate all like “ahem:

So back in ancient Greecetimes there was this dude named Theseus
you may remember him as the serial womanizer who killed a furry and then fell off a cliff
or the wacky dad from A Midsummer Night’s Dream
[seriously, what is it with these English dudes and romanticizing this Greek asshole?]
anyway, this guy is just walking through greeceland
and he sees Thebes and he is like
“that looks like a nice city
FOR ME TO CONQUER ON.”
then he goes inside and kills everyone.

But he forgot to kill TWO DUDES.
They are covered in debris, but they are still totally alive
and Theseus is like “SWEET!
An opportunity to prove my incredible mercy
despite the fact that I just murdered like a whole city.
Quick!
Guards!
Heal these men’s wounds
and then
throw them in prison forever.
MERCY HOORAYYYY”

So these two dudes
who are named Arcite and Palamon
and who are also cousins
wake up in this jail cell way at the top of this tower
and they’re like “wow, this sucks”
but at least their jail cell has a nice view
and when I say nice view
I mean MEGA-NICE
like a class-a penthouse garden view
complete with hot chick.
Yep, there is a hot chick down there.
She is Theseus’s daughter and her name is Emelye
because during the dark ages we all forgot how to spell.

So Arcite and Palamon both practically bust through the walls with their rock hard boners
which are instead shooting out through the iron bars and casting tremendous shadows over Emelye
But as often happens when boners protrude too far
it is not long before these two cousins start FENCING
(WITH THEIR DICKS, I MEAN
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE THAT CLEAR.
THERE WILL BE REAL FENCING LATER, NO WORRIES.)
Arcite is like “Dude, I saw her first!”
And Palamon is like “Dude:
First’s the worst
second’s the best
fuck off now while I touch her breasts.”
And it starts to really suck in that tiny jail cell
because there is nothing worse than sharing a cell with your cousin who hates you
and ALSO you want to bang a chick but you can’t.
It is a common problem, I hear.

And that is why Arcite takes the first opportunity to pull some political strings
and bust out of jail
but he only gets out on the condition that he has to leave Thebes and never come back
which sucks, because pretty much the whole reason he busted out
was to try and bone Emelye
so now he’s bummed
and Palamon is bummed too
because he figures Arcite is just gonna bust into the city and force-sex Emelye any minute.
Dear reader, who do you think is worse off,
Arcite or Palamoun?

BZZ
TIME’S UP
IT WAS A TRICK QUESTION
ARCITE IS BETTER OFF
BECAUSE HE IS NOT IN FUCKING PRISON
MAN, ARE YOU GUYS ALL DUMB?
YOU SEEM DUMB.

Ahem:
So Arcite is pinin’ away
and Palamoun is too
so Arcite disguises himself as a hobo and busts into Thebes
and Palamon disguises himself as a badass and busts out of prison
and then they run into each other in the woods
and immediately start beating the shit out of each other
and since beating the shit out of each other is one of the most conspicuous things you can do
during any kind of daring getaway/infiltration
it’s not long before Theseus rolls up and is like “uh hey
guys
what are you both doing out of prison?
I think probably I need to do that killing you thing that I didn’t do earlier.”
But then all the ladies are like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WE LIKE DUDES WHO IDISCRIMINATELY VIOLENCE EACH OTHER.”
And Theseus is like “Duh, I know, that’s pretty much why we do it all the time.”
and the ladies are like “Okay then if you don’t want to block Emelye’s ladycock
you will totally spare these dudes
so that they can FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE
and everyone is like “Aw sweet.”

Theseus gets REAL jazzed about this plan.
He gets so jazzed, that he builds an ARENA for them to fight in
FROM FUCKING SCRATCH.
And I’m not talking about just a few pieces of plywood and some racing stripes
naw dudes
this thing has THREE TEMPLES in it
THREE
WHY WOULD YOU NEED TO GO TO A TEMPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A GLADIATORIAL MATCH?
TO HAVE SEX?
THAT’S ALL PEOPLE SEEM TO USE TEMPLES FOR IN GREEK MYTHS.
But not in this story.
This is a respectable story.
And these temples are for respectable gods:
Diana
Venus
and Mars
(ahahaha …. respectable)

anyway, the night before the big murder match
everyone starts sneaking into these temples to do prayers.
First, Emelye sneaks into the temple of Diana
because it turns out she totally DOESN’T want to get her bone on with Arcite OR Palamon
so she’s like “Hey Diana, guard my vag, yeah?”
And Diana is just like “nope.”
And then she blows out all the candles in the temple
using a word that also means “vagina.”
just to add insult to injury
also i think something starts bleeding
it is a metaphor for how dudes are gonna have sex with her.

So that’s great for her
but meanwhile Palamon is busy checking out the temple of Venus
and he’s like “Yo, Venus
lemme get the girl, k?”
And venus is like “yeah no problem”
but she’s kinda hard to understand
because she’s got her mouth on Mars’s dick while she says it.
Next time your prayers go unanswered, imagine that this is what is happening.
But anyway, Palamon walks out of there feeling pretty good
as does Mars, I imagine.

Speaking of mars
now it is Arcite’s turn to go into a temple
and by process of elimination
that temple has to be the temple of mars
so Arcite is like “Yo mars, let me win the fight tomorrow”
and mars is like “What? Oh, yeah, sure.
You win.
Oh god Venus that feels so good don’t stop.”

So eventually Mars and Venus sober up
and realize they basically just made totally contradictory promises just now
(this is why you should never fuck and grant wishes at the same time, my friends)
but that’s when Zeus rolls in like “Naw, I got this.”
So the next morning the two dudes get ready to fight
and Theseus is like “Awright guys
no groin shots
stab each other with swords
go”
and then they do
and Arcite totally wreck’s palamon’s shit
he gets him down on the ground with a sword all up in his neck
and Palamon is like “Okay, dude. you win, you win.
Thanks a lot, Venus.”
And Venus is like “fuuuuuuck”
but Zeus is like “Nah babe it’s cool. Check it out:”
And then an EARTHQUAKE appears
and causes Arcite to do a backflip off his horse and land on his neck
so he dies, obviously
and on his death bed he’s like “Hey Emelye…
hey…
you should totally marry my best bro Palamon.
He will not mind…
getting sloppy seconds…
or anything…”
And Emelye thinks about it for a while
and during that while, she stays real sad
but then eventually Theseus is like “Bitch, stop being such a downer”
and then she gets her shit together and marries Palamon
and the two of them bang happily ever after.

So the moral of the story
is you should never sacrifice your best friendship for the sake of a romance
because there will always be time to get with that chick AFTER your best friend is dead.

The end.”

And then this drunk dude busts in and tells a story about butts
but THAT’S a story for another time.

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More like Heart of Jerkness

This one goes out to all my homies who wasted 4+ years on a lit major

So we’re on a boat
and as we all know
boats are where stories get TOLD
so it is unsurprising that after like a page of describing every motherfucker on the boat
this fancypants narrator
whose name i’ve forgotten
and thus is now named COLONEL FANCYPANTS
gets ambushed by this dude Marlowe
who gets all up in his grill talking about how London is a total drag
and it reminds him of this other place he went that was a total drag:
AFRICA
FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

so apparently
back in the day
this Marlowe cat got a job with a british trading company
his job description was to go to africa
and trade all of the africans bits of string and pocket lint
in exchange for PRECIOUS PRECIOUS IVORY
so he’s like alright Marlowe
now’s your chance to make it big
prove those british dudes you can seriously scam some natives
oh man
riches ahoy
but then he gets to Africa and it totally sucks
and not even because of any Africa-related nonsense
it sucks because all his CO-WORKERS suck
they’re all huge jerks
who do things like sneer all the time
and also SABOTAGE MARLOWE’S BOAT FOR LIKE NO FUCKING REASON
SERIOUSLY
IT TAKES HIM THREE MONTHS TO FIX THAT THING
I THOUGHT THESE GUYS WERE ON THE SAME SIDE?

Well, apparently not
anyway, now Marlowe has a new job
which is instead of staying where he is and steadily accumulating bitches and riches
he has to go into the jungle
(aka THE HEART OF DARKNESS for some reason)
and find this dude named Kurtz
who is apparently this super great musician and genius and journalist and stuff
who is also really great at cheating the natives out of ivory
and who appears to have “gone rogue”

so, awesome
now Marlowe has to go find this guy
and his boat is finally fixed
so he gets some white dudes and some black dudes
(the black dudes are cannibals
because cannibals are scary and this book is scary)
and they go a-boatin’
and pretty soon they find a little house with a bunch of firewood in it
and a note that says hey
free firewood
it’s totally for you guys, no strings attached
so they are kinda confused by that, but they take the wood
and they use it
but then all of a sudden it gets real foggy and they get attacked by JUNGLE DUDES
and one of Marlowe’s cannibal pals gets capped
and he acts real sad about it
but come on, Marlowe
we all know cannibal dudes are just the redshirts of your story
i mean guys
look at what is happening
this is a horror book
that predates horror movies by a handful of decades
and even back in 1899
THE BLACK GUY ALWAYS DIES FIRST
so that’s lovely
oh, they escape by the way
someone just needed to get killed first so you’d know it was serious business

but anyway then they get to Kurtz’s camp
which is totally unharmed
even though they figured kurtz would probably be dead by this point
but there is a very simple answer to why Kurtz’s camp is unharmed:
it is because he has surrounded his camp
IN THE SEVERED HEADS OF THE NATIVES
and also apparently the natives worship him as a god
which is not what I would do if someone decapitated all my friends
and then used them for lawn ornaments
although maybe I would
if they were threatening to do that to me too…
anyway, Kurtz isn’t there
but this weird russian clown is
and the Russian clown is apparently the guy who left the firewood
which explains a lot
also he is kind of a disciple of Kurtz’s
which explains even more
oh and also Kurtz is the one who sent the jungle dudes to attack Marlowe
which explains even WHAT?
man, when this guy goes rogue
he goes all the way rogue
i mean, they said he was a journalist
and i guess he must be
because this is exactly what I imagine would happen
if they sent Hunter S. Thompson to go harvest ivory from the Congo

anyway
eventually they track down Kurtz
and dude is seriously ill
so they grab him and stuff him in the boat
and start taking him home
and even though he’s mega ill
he’s still got assloads of charisma
but whatever
didn’t stop you from dying, did it asshole?
so yeah, on the boat he dies
obviously
but Marlowe happens to see him right before he dies
and apparently Kurtz has this “supreme moment of complete knowledge”
which causes him to utter words of incrediblewisdom
here they are
reproduced in their entirety
ahem:
“The horror! The horror!”
Great, dude
that’s the best you could come up with?
supreme clarity my ass
that is some soap opera shit is what that is
fuck off

so Marlowe gets back to London
and everyone is hounding his ass trying to find out about Kurtz
but he won’t say shit
even though he totally has a bunch of Kurtz’s stuff
especially a picture of Kurtz’s super hot fiancee.
Now I know what you’re thinking
and no, Marlowe does not bone Kurtz’s would-be honey
although that would be totally sweet
no, he just goes to see her
and then when she asks about her boytoy’s last moments
Marlowe is all
“Uh…
he died with your name upon his lips”
BITCH
NO HE DIDN’T
UNLESS THIS CHICK’S NAME IS “THE HORROR”
HER BOOBS WERE THE LAST THING ON KURTZ’S MIND WHEN HE FELL OFF THE ALIVE-TRAIN
but oh well
at least her feelings are saved

so yeah
the moral of the story
is obviously that Africa is terrible
and lying is great.

The end.

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The Walrus and the Carpenter are Cold-Blooded Psychopaths

ah, the beach

the sand is sandy
the water is wet
basically
everything is doing its job
including the sun
which is doing its job a little too hard
because its shift is over and it is actually the moon’s turn
it’s night time is what I’m trying to say
it’s weird
this is a weird story

but none of this weirdness seems to bother the walrus and the carpenter
presumably because they are a walrus and a carpenter
have you seen the kind of shit carpenters get into?
the mere fact that his friend of choice is a walrus speaks volumes
anyway the only thing they’re really concerned about
is all this fucking sand
like
they’re walking down the beach like aww man
who put all this sand here
why don’t they send someone by to clean this shit up

but pretty soon they forget about the sand
because they are terrible people and they have to start doing terrible things now
so they walk up to these oysters that are hanging out in their oyster bed
and they’re like hey
oysters
wanna go for a walk?
I hear that walking is something oysters are really great at
and the oldest oyster is having none of it
this is
in fact
how he got to be the oldest oyster
but ALL THE OTHER OYSTERS are like YAYYY
WALKING
and they swarm up on the walrus like WHEEEEEE
WE ARE SO FAT AND OUT OF SHAPE AND ALSO OYSTERS
ALSO
WHY ARE WE WEARING CLOTHES
WHY ARE WE WEARING SHOES
WE DO NOT HAVE FEET
WE DON’T EVEN REALLY HAVE SKIN
WE ARE OYSTERS
but it’s okay

so after they walk for a long time
eventually the walrus and the carpenter sit their asses down on a rock
and all the oysters are like okay
we’re here
now what?
and the walrus is like WELL
(the walrus can totaly talk by the way
pretty smart walrus)
WELL
let’s just kinda hang out
talk about some shit
like shoes and boats and those weird things with the screws that you put inside shoes
are they called shoeboats?
also maybe home decorating and politics
and the oysters are like well okay
that’s sort of boring
but uh
oh shit
what’s this
(they are saying that because the walrus and the carpenter are eating them now)

yeah so these two bastards proceed to eat all their friends other than each other
with vinegar and salt and pepper and bread and butter
which means that they definitely planned for this shit
this wasn’t a spur of the moment
crime of passion kinda thing
this was premeditated oyster genocide
and then they are done
and they express some kind of token sorrow over the massacre
and then they’re like COME NOW OYSTERS
LET US HEAD BACK NOW
blatantly forgetting that they just ATE ALL THE GODDAMN OYSTERS
so i dunno
maybe they’re not straight up murderers
maybe they are just insane murderers with short term memory loss
that’s better, right?

so the moral of the story
and I’ve always said this
is that there is nothing more dangerous
than an educated walrus

THE END.

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Macbeth is a Pussy

Sup guys

today I am going to tell you a story about a guy
who sucks so bad you aren’t even allowed to say his name in theaters anymore
his name is
MACBETH

okay so Macbeth is actually pretty legit at the beginning
he is out on all the battlefields stomping faces
some dudes are standing by the battlefields like WHOA
DID YOU SEE ALL THOSE FACES MACBETH JUST STOMPED
SO MANY FACES
and then the battle is over and apparently this one Thane
which is like scottish for “super important dude”
was totally a little traitor bitch so they had to execute him
and since Macbeth stomped so many faces he gets to be the new Thane
he’s already a thane actually but now he gets to be TWO THANES

so meanwhile cut to macbeth
he doesn’t know about that shit yet
and he’s just strolling through all the faces he just stomped
along with his best bro banquo
and all of a sudden the two of them run up on some WITCHES
and they’re like WHOA
WITCHES
WHY YOU LADIES SO UGLY?
DO YOU REALIZE
YOU HAVE BEARDS?!
and the witches are like bro we have better things to do than worry about shaving
congrats on your new promotion by the way
and Macbeth is like uh what promotion
and the witches are like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
WE HAVE PROPHECIES
PROPHECY NUMBER ONE:
MACBETH
YOU ARE GOING TO BE KING
PROPHECY NUMBER TWO:
BANQUO
YOU ARE GOING TO GET SO MURDERED DUDE
BUT YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA BE KING SO THAT’S OKAY KIND OF?
and Macbeth is like whoa
Banquo
looks like you got the short end of the murderstick buddy
hope this doesn’t cause any bad blood between us
and Banquo is like I am 100% sure that it will not
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT
then some dudes show up and tell Macbeth that he is now TWO THANES
and his mind is TOTALLY BLOWN

so pretty much the first thing Macbeth does
is he writes a letter to his wife
whose name is Lady Macbeth
which begs the question
if you name is Macbeth
why would you marry someone named Lady Macbeth
that seems like you are just ASKING for incest at that point
but anyway he writes her this letter about all the stuff with the witches
and Lady Macbeth gets it and she’s like WHOA
DUDES I AM TOTALLY GONNA BE A QUEEN UP IN HERE
BUT WAIT
my husband is ambitious and everything
but he’s WAYYYY too much of a pussy to do any serious kingmurdering
which is how I figure this whole prophecy thing is gonna get done
so okay
I’m just gonna grit my teeth
and pop a squat
and try to grow as many balls as I can before my husband gets home

so Macbeth gets home and Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND WE MUST MURDER THE KING
and Macbeth is like whoa
whoa
where did all these balls come from
i am seriously about to trip on them this is unpleasant
and Lady Macbeth is like NO TIME FOR THAT
INVITE KING DUNCAN OVER TO OUR HOUSE FOR A SWEET PARTY
LEAVE THE MURDER PLANS TO ME
I HAVE SO MANY BALLS THEY ARE WORKING IN PARALLEL THEY ARE PLANNING SO MANY MURDERS
so Macbeth is pretty nervous about this
but he says ok
and he invites Duncan over to his place
Duncan, by the way, is not only the king
he is also related to macbeth
also since Macbeth has invited him over
he is also a guest in macbeth’s home
and normally you don’t stab your guests to death
it is just kind of not polite
so that’s three very good reasons for Macbeth NOT to murder this guy
not to mention the fact that Duncan has just made SOME OTHER DUDE his heir
some dude named Malcolm
who i think is his son?
So I’m not even sure what Macbeth expects to gain from this murder
like
is the plan to just keep murdering kings until they run out of kings
and they have to use Macbeth?
AND ON TOP OF THAT
didn’t the witches just hand him down a prophecy
that told him he was gonna become king?
like isn’t that a thing from the future that is totally guaranteed to happen?
why does he even need to murder anyone?
why doesn’t he just chill out and take a nap
and have someone wake him up when the prophecy is fulfilled?
This is like if someone prophesied that you were gonna get fifty bucks
and your response was to go outside and immediately murder someone for their wallet
or actually more like
if someone made a date with you for thursday night
but it was monday night
so you just murdered everyone else they knew
until they had no choice but to go on a date with you immediately
which is actually my dating strategy now that I think about it

but there is one simple all-consuming reason for macbeth to go through with it
which is that if he doesn’t
his wife will totally call him a pussy FOREVER
so obviously that trumps everything else
and then true to her word
Lady Macbeth comes up with a pretty okay plan
basically the plan is
Macbeth stabs Duncan in his sleep
then Lady Macbeth passes out bloody knives to all of Duncan’s sleeping guards
and then they tell everyone the guards did it
and apparently suffer from narcolepsy?
but there is sort of a hitch in the plan
which is that no sooner has Macbeth done the murder part
then these two dudes Macduff and Lennox show up at the castle
they get let in by this doorman who is just SHITFACED
seriously this dude fell off the wagon so hard he is drinking with the mole-men
waddling up to the door talking to scottish noblemen about piss and sex
it’s great
it’s the only great thing that happens to anyone in this play
but so yeah Macbeth has to go deal with Macduff and Lennox
he’s like HEY GUYS
THE KING IS SLEEPING
DON’T BELIEVE ME?
HERE LET ME SHOW YOU HIS-ohhhh snap
looks like the king got stabbed by his retainers
who then fell asleep just outside of his room
because you know
murdering is pretty tiring
I mean
so I’ve heard
LET ME JUST MURDER ALL THESE CLEARLY GUILTY GUARDS BEFORE THEY CAN WAKE UP
AND TELL ANY LIES ABOUT HOW IT WAS ME THAT DID THE STABBING OR SOMETHING
and then afterwards he feels really bad about this
because he just murdered like a dozen innocent people
but his wife is like dude chill out
just wash the blood off your hands and BAM
PROBLEM SOLVED

wait no
no no no
not problem solved
no problems are ever solved in this play
they just affix problems together using a thick mortar of MORE PROBLEMS
see, the murders do not stop with Duncan
no no no
cause right after those murders
Malcolm flips his shit and decides to run away to England
and Macbeth actually does become king by some crazy coincidence
and he just wastes absolutely no time at all
in becoming crazy paranoid about his best bro Banquo
who you may remember was prophesied to get totally murdered
and I GUESS MACBETH IS JUST GOING TO MANUALLY FULFILL ALL THE PROPHECIES NOW
jeeze
this guy has no finesse at all
but you know what they say
when the only tool you have is a hammer
everybody starts to look like a problem

so Macbeth hires some dudes to murder banquo
and they do murder banquo
but they don’t murder banquo’s son
who is prophesied to be king
and who we will never hear from again for the rest of the play
because Shakespeare is totally setting shit up for MACBETH 2:
THE SCOTTISH SLAY

but anyway yeah then Macbeth immediately goes to dinner
and I guess he forgot to cancel Banquo’s invitation to the dinner
because Banquo is TOTALLY SITTING IN MACBETH’S SEAT
talk about rude
actually it’s fine
it’s just Banquo’s ghost
Macbeth could totally just sit inside of him and no one would care
but instead he just stands in the middle of the dining room
screaming at a ghost no one else can see
and Lady Macbeth is like haha guys don’t worry about my husband
he is just under a lot of stress from all the murders he hasn’t committed
he’s been sooooooo busy not committing murders
and we’re scottish
so that’s like
hard
(PSST MACBETH CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS)
but Macbeth’s tits will not be calmed
he just goes right on screaming at that ghost
until everyone gets uncomfortable and leaves
and then Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND
WHY MUST YOU RUIN ALL MY DINNER PARTIES WITH YOUR GUILT-INDUCED SCHIZOPHRENIA?

okay what the fuck is Lady Macbeth’s problem
we have already established that these murders are totally unnecessary
and plus there are a ton of really great reasons for not doing them
and yet this woman is basically riding her husband bareback
spurring him onwards towards basically every murder it is possible to commit
did she at some point wake up
and decide that the world was suffering from a deficit of terrible people?
does she just have a swollen bitch gland?
is she actually just two cthulus in a ladysuit?
all are plausible explanations
but none can say for sure

oh yeah and also apparently Macbeth is a TERRIBLE king
like supernaturally terrible
like so terrible that Scotland is plunged into eternal night
and the horses are all eating each other
which up until this point I thought was pretty regular for scotland
but everybody is pretty pissed about it so I dunno
and meanwhile Macbeth is pretty miserable
and his wife’s brain is slowly melting
and honestly at this point I have no idea why this guy wanted to be a king
it’s not like he’s bathing in a molten pool of gold and whores or anything
he is pretty much just wandering through a labyrinth of medieval horror
finding more and more efficient ways to hate himself

but so in order to quell his crippling paranoia
he goes and hits up those witches from earlier
because, you know
everything they’ve said so far has turned out SO GREAT
and the witches are like oh dude, don’t even worry
here
let us summon this bloodsoaked baby to tell you about how invincible you are
and the baby is like sup dude
you cannot be killed by any man who was birthed by a woman
also:
you see that forest over there?
your castle will remain blissfully unfucked until THAT forest
runs up the hill to YOUR CASTLE
and Macbeth is like BOY
THIS IS CERTAINLY REASSURING
NOT LIKE THEY COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME I’M UNKILLABLE OR SOMETHING
WOOOOOOOOOOO
then he goes ahead and kills Macduff’s whole family for some reason
presumably because he is nervous

meanwhile in England
Malcolm is pretty pissed about the whole murder thing that Macbeth did
plus he hears that Scotland is turning into basically the shittiest place ever
so he asks the king of england if he can borrow like ten thousand dudes
and the king of england is like sure dude
I’ve got guys ALL OVER THE PLACE down here
and then Macduff shows up
because he is ALSO pissed off about the whole murder thing
specifically the whole murdering his entire family thing
and he convinces Malcolm that he wants to help him kill Macbeth
basically by helping Malcolm insult himself a whole bunch
and then the two of them grab all their dudes and march back to Scotland

BACK IN SCOTLAND:
Macbeth hears about this huge dudemarch
and he’s kinda pissed
but he’s also pretty sure he’s immortal
so he’s not too worried
except that usually when you are not too worried
you do not insist on putting on your armor WEEKS IN ADVANCE
then run around your house screaming at everyone about how unworried you are
so uh
maybe he is a little scared
also his wife dies
after spending several weeks sleepwalking
for the express purpose of telling ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN
about ALL THE MURDERS
SERIOUSLY?!
COME ON
LADY MACBETH
YOU CANNOT PUSSYWHIP YOUR IMPRESSIONABLE DOUCHEBAG HUSBAND INTO MURDERING EVERYONE
THEN TURN AROUND AND THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAPPEN TO BE ASLEEP AND CRAZY
OH WHAT
YOU FEEL GUILTY NOW?
IS THAT IT?
WOMAN
FEELING GUILTY AT THIS POINT
IS LIKE TRYING TO CHOKE A BABY WITH A CONDOM
TOO LITTLE
TOO LATE
but then yeah she’s dead so that’s fine
no one even really notices because by this point all the dudes have arrived
and also Macbeth is screaming way too loud

so Malcolm and Macduff are commanding this army
and they figure that a really great strategy for hiding their numbers
is to just uproot a whole bunch of trees from a nearby forest
and hold them in front of themselves as they march up the hill to Macbeth’s castle
which is a plan taken straight out of Looney Tunes
like
seriously guys?
you expect Macbeth to look out over his ramparts
and be like oh
no worries
I was expecting ten thousand dudes
but this is just ten thousand MOVING TREES
no see what Macbeth does
is he sees these trees
and he FLIPS THE FUCK OUT
because obviously this means his castle is about to get mega invaded
but he’s like oh well
at least I’m still unkillable, right?
RIGHT GUYS?
fuck this I’m just gonna go downstairs and stab everybody

so he does
and he’s pretty much killing all the guy ever
it is a good reminder of how cool he used to be
back at the beginning of the play when he was stomping all the faces
except now the faces he is stomping
are the faces of ALL THE GOOD GUYS
until finally Macduff rolls up on him like hey man
what’s good
I have this sword and it is really heavy
can I just leave it inside your chest for a minute
and Macbeth is like HAHA DIDN’T YOU HEAR
NO MAN OF WOMAN BORN CAN SLAY MACBETH
and Macduff is like oh
well uh
do you happen to have a hundred and eighty-thousand dollars
and seven to eight years of free time?
and Macbeth is like well I am a king and I am immortal so I would say yeah
and Macduff is like good
BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE YOU TO MED SCHOOL BITCH
I WAS BORN VIA C-SECTION
WHICH MEANS NO WOMAN BIRTHED ME
WHICH MEANS I AM THE DUDE
WHO IS GOING TO BE CHAPERONING THIS ONE-MAN MURDERPROM
and Macbeth is like wait
doesn’t it still count as being of woman born
even if it was a C-section?
I mean
you came out of a woman, right?
that’s where you came from
wouldn’t it have made more sense for me to be killed by a woman
that seems a lot less open to interpretation
might have been a more satisfying resolution is all I’m saying
and Macduff is like dude
remember how we had to find a prepubescent boy to play your wife?
we’re all dudes living in Elizabethan England
we’re pretty sexist
and Macbeth is like okay fair point
and the Macduff kills him

so yayyyy
macbeth is dead
Malcolm gets to be king
and he pretty much can’t help but be a better king than Macbeth
literally all he has to do is have it not be eternal night
and maybe refrain from murdering ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE
and then the sequel Banquo’s son comes back
WITH A VENGEANCE

so the moral of the story
is if you are having a hard time securing that promotion at work
consider murder
it’s a great short term solution

THE END

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CHRISTMAS GHOSTS

Okay so christmas right?
many of you are probably having some RIGHT NOW
others are probably having some chinese food
and yet others are probably having sex or ambivalence
it’s a big crazy world out there and not everybody likes christmas
but you know what everyone likes?
STORIES ABOUT JERKS
FEATURING GHOSTS
so that’s what we’re gonna partake in right now
religion be damned

so there’s this guy Ebenezer Scrooge
and how the hell are you supposed to not be an asshole
with a name like EBENEZER SCROOGE
that’s like naming your dog poopypants mcpisscarpet
and then being all shocked when he shits your bed
but yeah
this guy is TERRIBLE at christmas
first he threatens to call the police on some holiday charity dudes
and then he only begrudgingly gives his secretary christmas day off
and even then
he only does that because EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT
so not only is he a jerk
he is an impressionable jerk
he also kicks some puppies and has some pretty uncomfortable ideas about racism
just saying
this guy is top notch at being terrible

so he goes home
to sit in his cold house and ruminate on how much he hates kittens and friendship
when BAM
HERE COMES A GHOST
although Bam is not really a good sound effect for a ghost appearance
and Bamf is copyrighted
so let’s just say the ghost appears with a SPAGOOSH
and leave it at that
okay so there’s this ghost
this ghost is the ghost of one of scrooge’s old partners in douchebaggery
one JACOB MARLEY
who does not even have the excuse of an evil name to fall back on
he died 7 years ago from laughing too hard when an orphan fell down
and now here he is
a ghost
COVERED IN CHAINS
and he’s like hey scrooge
and scrooge is like JESUS BALLS GET AWAY FROM ME
and Marley is like no dude it’s okay
i usually watch you sleep anyway
but listen man
you gotta clean up your act
these chains represent what an asshole I was while I was alive
and your chains are bout to be DOUBLE STRENGTH LEAD GIRDERS at the rate you’re going
so just a heads up
there are gonna be some more ghosts coming by here later tonight
they are going to tell you about christmas and stuff
seriously
these guys pulled out all the stops for you
I dunno why they’re trotting out the holiday heavy-hitters
for an emaciated miser with a name like an anal polyp
but hey I don’t make the decisions
I’m just some asshole covered in chains
anyway see you later
try to get some sleep

so scrooge is scared shitless obviously
but he’s also a little senile so he falls asleep anyway
and then later
SPAGOOOOSH
here comes another ghost
this ghost is super gender ambiguous
wearing a white robe
and balancing a candle on its head
not the most intimidating of ghosts, my friend
so scrooge is like okay ghost
who are you and why are you in my house
and the ghost is like I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
I AM HERE TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH A SERIES OF CHRISTMAS FLAAAAASHBAAAAAACKS
SPOOOOOOOKY
so okay they go back in time
they use some kind of spooky ghost time travel
and they go back to scrooge’s childhood
and they watch him sit in a room reading books over the christmas holiday
at boarding school
because his dad won’t let him come home or something
but honestly
reading books over christmas is pretty much what I do ANYWAY
so I don’t see where this guy gets off complaining
except then cut to the next scene
and it is his sister saying he doesn’t have to stay at the boarding school
cause his dad has stopped being a dick
and he can come home now
and they have a feast and it’s great
BUT THEN LATER HIS SISTER DIES
oh nooooooo
and then there’s this other time where scrooge is working for this dude
the dude’s name is Fezziwig
which is basically the opposite of scrooge
so it is no surprise at all when that dude throws a MEGA SWEET CHRISTMAS PARTY
and everyone gets laid
and this illustrates the true meaning of christmas
and also scrooge is lightly traumatized from having to relive his sister’s death
yessssss
so then the ghost puts the final nail in the coffin
(a figurative coffin though, not a literal coffin
the literal coffin comes later
uh
spoilers)
by taking him to see the time when this chick he was into totally dumped him
because he was too into his money
and scrooge sees this
and he feels really bad
he feels so bad that he punches the ghost right in its candle head
like he literally punches its lights out
and then he wakes up in bed
and he’s like shit
I gotta do this 2 more times?

YES
because then here comes the ghost of christmas present
who is a big fat dude who knows how to PARTY
he’s got a big beard and an empty scabbard cause i guess he forgot his sword
and he shows up to Scrooge’s house WASTED
and he’s like duuuuude
it is time to look at the PRESENT of christmas
and Scrooge is like great
we’re in the present right now
done
and the ghost is like no dude
I am going to take you on an adventure
THROUGH SPAAAAAAAAACE
WHOAAAAAAA
so the teleport to this awesome crowded holiday market
where everyone is buying gifts and shit
and Scrooge is like what are we doing here
and the ghost is like oh not much
I just needed to pick up some more booze
I am RUNNING LOW my friend and it is CHRISTMAS
and I mean
I am the ghost of christmas present
which means that after tonight
I FUCKING DIE
so fuck if I’m not gonna PARTY DOWN beforehand
but okay I have my booze now
wanna see something depressing?
and scrooge is like no not really but SPAGOOSH
now they are in the house of Scrooge’s secretary
who’s name is Bob
and they are watching bob and his whole family
slowly starve/freeze to death on CHRISTMAS FUCKING EVE
while his small adorable child
whose name is TINY TIM
SLOWLY SUCCUMBS TO POLIO
it is truly
the worst christmas
and the ghost is like aw man
what a buzzkill
let’s go see some other places
so they go to some other places for a while
and then the ghost conjures up some homeless kids to attack scrooge
presumably to teach him about charity but also because it’s hilarious
and scrooge either learns an important lesson or is scared shitless
and then BOOM
he is back in his bed

but is that the end?
fuck no that’s not the end
are you simple?
I SAID there would be THREE GHOSTS
THREE
GHOSTS
and Marley doesn’t count
because he has chains on him and he behaves rationally
so after a suitably suspenseful delay
HERE COMES GHOST NUMBER THREE
or wait
fuck
actually this is not a ghost at all
actually this is just the grim reaper
it is the grim reaper except his skull is invisible inside his hood
and he doesn’t have a scythe
and he doesn’t talk AT ALL
BOOOOO-RIIIIIING
except not boring
because this ghost
can TIME TRAVEL TO THE FUTURE
so it takes Scrooge with it
to a not-so-distant dystopian future
full of flying guns and some jerk’s funeral
this anonymous jerk apparently died recently and no one gives a shit
look, here come some businessmen
they do not give a SHIT
one of them is like I WILL ONLY GO TO THIS FUNERAL IF THEY HAVE FREE SANDWICHES
and another one is like HAHAHA I DON’T EAT SANDWICHES SO I WON’T GO AT ALL
and then some other people are like HEY
WE JUST STOLE ALL OF THAT JERK’S STUFF
LET’S GO SELL IT TO A PAWNSHOP
and then some other people are like SHIT YES
WE USED TO OWE THAT GUY MONEY
NOW WE CAN INSTEAD USE THAT MONEY TO BUY HIS STOLEN GOODS FROM THIS PAWNSHOP
basically everybody is happy and no one is sad
and then they go to the graveyard
and WHOSE GRAVE DO YOU THINK IT IS?
COME ON
IT IS SCROOGE’S GRAVE
IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT THEN YOU ARE TOO DUMB FOR THIS STORY
YOU ARE TOO DUMB EVEN FOR THIS WEBSITE
but yeah
this is obviously some pretty freaky shit
so scrooge is like AAH
AAH
GET ME OUT OF HERE
SHOW ME A FUNERAL WHERE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT FOR A CHANGE
and SPAGOOSH
now they are at a much more heartfelt funeral
the funeral
OF TINY TIM
oh man the pathos is unBEARABLE
and scrooge is like okay dude okay
fine
I give up
i’ll be good at christmas from now on
as long as I can somehow shift myself into an alternate timeline
where I don’t die and then get all my shit stolen by poor people
and no sooner has he made this decision
then he wakes up in bed
and he is alive and it is christmas day
and he actually keeps his word
and goes and hangs out with his nephew and his nephew’s family
and anonymously donates a big fat turkey to his secretary
(although he does not anonymously donate them any polio vaccine
which would have been a lot more helpful)
and generally just skips down the street
throwing fistfuls of money at homeless people
and from that day on
everyone forgets what a jerk he used to be
and when he dies nobody steals his stuff
PROBABLY

so the moral of the story
is that if you have a friend who does not understand the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
your best bet
is a calculated campaign of sleep deprivation and necromancy
carefully orchestrated to break down the will and strip away the personality
until nothing but CHRISTMAS SPIRIT remains

Merry Christmas guys

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The Miller is one Drunk Motherfucker

This is what happens when I get an extra day off, guys
I have time to read ten pages of middle fucking english
and bring you this:
enjoy

Okay so first off, a little backstory
there’s all these dudes and they are riding horses and shit
they are in england and they are trying to get to canterbury
cause that is where the party is at
or where the cathedral is at
or some kind of sacred statue at least
look WHATEVER
the point is there are a bunch of dudes and chicks on horses
and they get pretty bored because horses are slow
so this one guy
who is an inkeeper normally
is like GUYS
GUYS
making people less bored is what I DO
here’s the plan:
we’re gonna have a storytelling contest
and whoever tells the raddest story is going to get $$$$$$$$
so first up let’s hear a story from THIS KNIGHT I FOUND
and the knight is like SHIT YEAH BITCHES
and he tells a story
and maybe I will tell you that story some time
because it is pretty good in its own (boring boring) way
but for now we’ve got bigger fish to fry
cause see
after the knight finishes telling his story
the innkeeper is like GREAT STORY BRO
MAN
I WAS MOVED TO TEARS
OKAY UP NEXT LET’S HEAR A STORY FROM THIS NOBLE MONK OVER HERE
but that’s when shit goes haywire
cause there’s this miller riding with them
and he is TRASHED
it’s like 2PM and this guy is like falling off his horse
and he’s like HEY
INKEEPER
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU
SEEMS TO ME
YOU’RE JUST PICKING ALL THE RICH FANCY POPULAR DUDES
TO TELL ALL THEIR RICH FANCY POPULAR TALES
AND I MAY BE DRUNK
BUT I’M SURE AS HELL NOT FANCY OR POPULAR
SO GATHER ROUND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
ABOUT BUTTS
and the Innkeeper is like whoa now
slow your roll there drunky mcdrunkenpants
and the Miller is like IF I’M SO DRUNK HOW COME YOU DON’T LOOK FUCKABLE YET
THERE ARE TWO POSSIBLE REASONS FOR THIS
REASON ONE: I’M NOT DRUNK
IN WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD LET ME TELL MY STORY
REASON TWO: YOU’RE JUST REAAAAAAALLY UGLY
AND NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE ORDERS FROM UGLY PEOPLE
SO I SHOULD STILL TELL MY STORY
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
HERE IS MY STORY ABOUT BUTTS AND SEX AND CARPENTERS

now guys
before we begin this story
let me just remind you
that I am only a storyteller here
not even a full-on storyteller
a story RE-teller
so whatever the miller is about to say
it’s totally not my responsibility
this is his drunk-ass talking
filtered through the horndog sensibilites of Geoffrey Chaucer
and I will not hear any complaints
or god help me I am turning this myth around and we are going home

(I’m going to put this all in quotation marks so yall don’t forget)

Okay so there’s this carpenter
his name is John
he’s a big jerk and also dumb
also old and gross
but he runs a pretty sweet motel
and also he has a REALLY HOT WIFE
guys
GUYS
his wife is so hot
I would eat pudding off her ass
STRAIGHT UP I WOULD
DON’T TEST ME
FIND ME AN ASS I WOULDN’T EAT PUDDING OFF OF
AND I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT ASS WILL HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON THE ASS OF THIS WOMAN IN THE STORY I AM TELLING
her name is Allison by the way
and she has a nasty habit of eyefucking the SHIT
out of every man, woman and child in the vicinity
and what the fuck is this old guy doing getting married to this fine piece of ass?
can you spell Gold-digger?
cause I can’t
I’m way too drunk and I think I just pooped a little

SO ANYWAY
there’s also this dude living in the motel
his name is Nicholas
“Handy” Nicholas
“Handy” as in “Handy-man”
like the handy-men that are in all those pornos
he’s a scholar
A SCHOLAR OF POON, THAT IS
but also a regular scholar
he’s a pretty smart dude

so ONE DAY
while John the carpenter is out buying wood or something
Handy Nicholas just walks right up to Allison
grabs her on the vag
and is like hey baby howsabout you and me conjugate sexwise
if you know what I mean
and Allison is like WAIT NO
I’VE GOT A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
also I’m not entirely sure what you mean by conjugate sexwise
and Nicholas is like well that’s all well and good
but I notice you have yet to remove my hand from your vagina
and Allison is like truuuuuuuue
then they bang

but halfway through banging Allison is like WAIT
I STILL HAVE A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT
and Nicholas is like cool it baby
what kind of poon scholar would I be
if I couldn’t outwit some dumbass carpenter?
look I have a plan
and step one of that plan
is for you to stop blueing my balls
and back that ass up
SEXWISE

so when John gets home
he finds that Handsy Nicholas has locked himself in his own room
along with his Titstrolabe and his Poon Sextant
and proceeds to just sit in there
FOR DAYS
gawping at the ceiling
until John finally freaks the fuck out
because shit man
he doesn’t want another dead body in his motel
so he has his house dude bust down the door
and then Nicholas is like JOHN
THANK GOD YOU’VE ARRIVED
I’VE HAD A VISION
A VISION
FROM GODDDDDDD
but listen dude
you can’t tell ANYONE ELSE about this vision
this is a you and me only vision
SO OKAY
VISION TIME
GET READY
alright so you’ve heard about Noah, right?
what if I told you
you were about to star in NOAH 2:
TURBO EDITION
and John is like holy shit YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
and Nicholas is like okay guy
here’s what I need you to do
I need you to go out and buy three feed tubs
like for feed
for animals
and I want you to hang them from your ceiling by ropes
and I want you to stuff them full of delicious food
and then you and me and your wife will lie in the feed tubs
and you have to lie as far away from your wife as possible
because god doesn’t want your dick anywhere near her puddinglicious ass
during the storm, I mean
you can thwap all over that shit later
MAYBE
but anyway yeah
then get an axe so you can cut all the ropes when I give the signal
and we will all drop into the water
and float away to safety
and everyone else will DROWN and DIE
and then we’ll all be floating on top of the water
and I’ll be like HEY JOHN IT’S GREAT TO BE ALIVE, HUH?
and you’ll be like HEY NICHOLAS
I CAN TOTALLY SEE YOUR FACE BECAUSE IT IS DAY TIME AND THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF
sound good?
and the Carpenter is like THAT SOUNDS GREAT AND ALSO TOTALLY BELIEVABLE
carpenters: SOOOOO DUMB AM I RIGHT

so John goes around and sets up all this dumb stuff that is super dumb
and then that night he and his wife and Nicholas all climb into the tubs
like GOODNIGHT GUYS
LET’S ALL PRAY BECAUSE THIS IS A REAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING
and then while John is praying
Allison and Nicholas climb out of the tubs
sneak inside
and FUUUUUUUUUCK

but guys
guys
this is where it gets REALLY GREAT
cause there’s this other scholar dude
his name is Absalon
and this asshole thinks he’s SO DAMN PRETTY
you know the type
he’s the guy with the van halen hair
and he plays guitar
and every time a religious holiday rolls around
he is the dude carrying the censer
which is a big mace full of incense
that he uses to go into hot chick’s houses
and bathe them with sweet-smelling smoke
seriously
this guy had to join the church to come up with an excuse to fondle women
how fucked up is that?
also
he is CONSTANTLY going into bars
and playing his fucking guitar to try and get with the waitresses
and despite that
he’s a real squeamish dude
who is TERRIFIED of farts
man I bet THAT won’t come into play at all right?

but so obviously Absalon is hot on Allison
and when he hears a rumor circulating around town
that no one has seen John all day
(cause john is in his shed building his dumbass contraption)
and he’s like SWEET
NOW’S MY CHANCE
so he waits til like 5AM
and he goes over to Allison’s window
and he starts serenading the FUCK out of that window
and Allison goes over to the window like FUCK BALLS WHAT DO YOU WANT
and Absalon is like I WANT YOUR BODY ALL OVER MY BODY
and Allison is like EW NO
I DON’T WANT YOUR VAN-HALEN-LOOKIN’ ASS ANYWHERE NEAR MY ASS
HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN MY ASS
PEOPLE HAVE OFFERED TO PAY ME MONEY
TO EAT PUDDING OFF OF IT
PUDDING, OK
and Absalon is like OKAY FINE
WELL CAN I AT LEAST GET A KISS?
and Allison is like WILL YOU GO THE FUCK HOME?
and Absalon is like OK SURE
so he busts out a ladder he brought specifically for this purpose
and he climbs up to the window
and it’s really dark, you gotta understand
so he gets up there and he puckers his lips
and Allison proceeds to stick her ASS out the window
and Absalon starts making out with her pungent hole
and then he’s like hey wait a second
women don’t have … beards
AW SHIT
and Allison is like TEE HEE
and then slams the window in his face
and goes back to banging Nicholas

so now Absalon is FURIOUS
like, real furious
this is dangerous
this is a dangerous game now
he’s ready to KILL someone
or at least seriously maim them
cause see what he does
is he goes over to this blacksmith’s place, right
and the blacksmith is like yo Absalon
what’s your van-halen-lookin’ ass doing in here at 5 o’clock in the damn morning?
and Absalon is like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
LET ME BORROW YOUR RED HOT IRON REAL QUICK
and then he just grabs that shit and runs out of the store
and he goes back to Allison’s window
and he’s like HEY
HEY
OPEN THE FUCK UP
I BROUGHT YOU MY GRANDMA’S RING
I WILL TRADE IT WITH YOUR TAWDRY SELF IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE KISSES
and this time it’s Nicholas who hears him
cause see he just got up to take a piss
so he makes his voice all high and he goes like COMING, HONEY
and he goes over to the window
and he sticks his narrow scholar ass out the window
and Absolon climbs all the way up there
and Nicholas rips the NASTIEST FUCKING FART
like BLURRRTTTTTTTTTTTTT
and Absolon is almost blown off the damn ladder
[THIS IS LITERATURE GUYS. THIS IS FUCKING LITERATURE]
but he’s got his red hot iron ready this time
and he just jabs Handsy Nick right in his flapping asshole
and Nick’s taint catches on fire
and he runs into the house like WATER
WATER
HOLY SHIT
WATER
and John
who is still in the shed waiting for judgement day
hears Nick yelling and is like WATER?
HOLY SHIT THE FLOOD HAS COME
and he takes the axe
and severs the ropes
and plummets to the floor and breaks his arm
and the whole town shows up
and Nicholas is like hey guys
look at dumbass John the Carpenter
he thought there was going to be some kind of biblical flood
he was trying to make me and his wife go along with it
but luckily we were too busy banging or WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED
and everyone makes fun of john forever
although I think he still stays married to Allison
so I don’t know what Nicholas got out of this whole thing
other than a scorched asshole

but uh, okay
so the moral of the story?
well the moral of the story is that hot chicks make terrible wives
and scholars make terrible friends
so maybe you’re better off just being gay
because at least then it’s not a TOTAL loss
if you find yourself making out with some dude’s asshole at 5:00 in the morning

THE END.

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Frankenstein: Pretty Irresponsible

Happy halloween assholes
I’m about to go put on spandex
and drink many cups of what I can only hope will be alcohol
because that is apparently what we all do on halloween now
now that we are responsible adults
but anyway here is a thematically appropriate myth
which i am pretty sure numerous people have asked me to retell
it is about stem cell research

OKAY SO THE NORTH POLE RIGHT?

yup
this story takes place AT THE NORTH FUCKING POLE
PAGE ONE
NORTH POLE
BAM
and there’s this dude there whose name I don’t remember
who is like this super rad north pole explorer guy
except not that rad because his boat is stuck in the ice
and then whoa what’s going on
looks like there’s ANOTHER DUDE HANGING OUT AT THE NORTH POLE
doing the main thing people do in the arctic:
freezing to death
So Explorer McStuckboat picks up Colonel Freezypants
who is not actually a Colonel but rather a DOCTOR OF SCIENCE
his name is VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN
AND HE HAS A STORY TO TELL
his story is called Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
it goes like this:

so Frankenstein is this dude who is really into science
his mom dies and then he goes to university and gets real smart
and as often happens when dudes get real smart
Frankenstein starts making REAL DUMB DECISIONS
much like a certain other Doktor in another german-centric tale of fail
so Frankenstein is like Hm
I’m a really great science guy and everything
but you know what I should really be doing?
NECROMANCY
so he proceeds to rob every grave in a nine mile radius
duct tapes everything together
and builds a giant ultrahandsome mancoprse
at like 2x scale
so he wont hafta use a magnifying glass to see all the fiddly little nerves and shit
which is basically like if you were building a toaster
and you were like hey you know what would make wiring this thing easier
is if I made it as big as my DOG
MY FRIEND
A DOG-SIZED TOASTER IS NOT GOING TO TOAST YOUR TOAST
IT IS GOING TO TOAST YOUR DOG
AND A DOUBLE-SIZED HUMAN IS GOING TO TOAST MUCH MORE THAN THAT
and this is exactly what Ol’ Franky realizes
IMMEDIATELY AFTER COMPLETING HIS PROJECT AND ANIMATING IT WITH LIGHTNING

but it’s okay, right?
I mean, any intelligent and responsible scientist would have planned for this
maybe put some blast doors on his laboratory
kept some tranquilizers on hand
you know,
anything at all to prevent your GIANT ZOMBIE MANBEAST from rampaging everywhere
no
the only preparation Doctor Frankenstein appears to have made for this
is putting on a pair of grade A sissypants
because his immediate response to this horrible nightmare scenario he created
is to flee the premises and leave his laboratory TOTALLY UNLOCKED
and then he comes back the next day like DURR WHERE DID MY MONSTER GO
I’LL TELL YOU WHERE YOUR MONSTER WENT, ASSHOLE
YOUR MONSTER WENT DOWNTOWN AND MURDERED YOUR BROTHER
yup
that’s what happened
and Frankenstein figures that out pretty quick
but the police don’t
instead the police arrest and hang some random chick
based on really shaky circumstantial evidence
and Frankenstein is CONSUMED BY GUILT

he is so consumed by guilt that his only recourse is to go wandering in the hills
where he meets
GUESS WHO
THE FUCKING MONSTER
and Frank is like OH SWEET HIBBITY JIBBITY
and the monster is like SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH AND LISTEN TO MY STORY
AHEM
(now for those keeping track at home, this is the THIRD frame narrative so far
we are inside a story about the north pole
hearing a story from a dude
about a monster
who just jumped him in the hills inside his story
so he could tell ANOTHER FUCKING STORY)
anyway here is the monster’s story:

so I was animated by lightning, right
and then the first person who saw me fled
so naturally I got pretty freaked
and I ran outside and i ended up in a village
where everyone threw rocks at me and called me names
so i got real sad and hid in the woods
near this house where some blind dude lives
and I spent a long time there
eavesdropping on the dude and his two hot daughters
and also stealing their books to learn how to read
because oh yeah
seeing as my brain is DOUBLE NORMAL SIZE
that means supersmarts ahoy
but anyway yeah I kind of took a shine to this blind dude
so i started secretly doing all these chores for him
but I didn’t tell any of them I was there
because i figured they would throw rocks at me
but then finally one day the blind dude was home alone
and I was like SWEET BEANS, NOW’S MY CHANCE
and I ran in and started having this AWESOME CONVERSATION with him
but then his fucking twank daughters showed up
and flipped their shit
and threw rocks at me
so I ran away and then I kinda found your brother and killed him
because he was your brother and I hate you a lot
oh and then I used my super smarts to frame some random chick
how about having THAT SHIT on your conscience, huh?

so Frankenstein is like geeze dude
I’M SORRY I ASSEMBLED YOU OUT OF DEAD PEOPLE PARTS AND DOOMED YOU TO BE A GIANT FREAK
THERE, I SAID IT
WE COOL?
and the monster is like uh no
how about this
you make me a super sexy doublesize bride
with like a crazy fright wig and shit
and we’ll call it even
and Frankenstein is like okay, sure

so he start building this frankenbride
but he gets halfway through and he’s like waaaaaaait a second
what if this chick just ends up hating that dude?
or even worse
what if she DOESN’T
and then they end up having KIDS
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
and soon after that the monster shows up like hey bro how’s my wife coming along
OH SHIT YOU SET HER BODY ON FIRE
and Frankenstein is like damn right I did
we can’t have you people breeding
and the monster is like WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU PEOPLE
I’LL SEE YOU ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT MOTHERFUCKER
and then he immediately runs off and kills Frankenstein’s best bro from College
the dude’s name is Clurvel or something
but I’m not gonna look it up because FUCK SIDE CHARACTERS

so cut to like ten minutes later
frankenstein totally has a bride
and they get married on like a boat or something
and Frankenstein is super freaking out about it
because the monster was all threatening to see him on his wedding night
and he can’t bring himself to believe that what the monster meant
was that he was going to show up with a set of fine china for the dining room
so he’s sitting in his room like OH MAN I’M TOTALLY GONNA GET KILLED HUH
and in the meantime totally neglects to consider
that maybe the monster was planning on killing his WIFE instead
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THE MONSTER DOES
he like jumps in through a window and is just like HIYAAAA BITCH
and strangles her
and then Frankenstein’s dad dies of shock
because he just found out his son’s new wife got chokeslammed by a zombie
at which point Frankenstein is just like fuck this
it’s monster-stabbin’ time

Now I’m not sure what Frankenstein’s plan is here
like how he figures on defeating a dude double his size and intelligence
but a key part of the plan seems to be following the monster to the north pole
which is a really bad decision because
well, because north pole
and that’s where the boat dude finds him
and hears the story we just heard
and then Frankenstein dies
because, let me reiterate:
NORTH FUCKING POLE
and then immediately afterwards the monster jumps onto the deck and he’s like YESS
I TOTALLY WIN
WHY WAS THIS DUDE STUPID ENOUGH TO FOLLOW ME TO THE FUCKING NORTH POLE
WELP
NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR
BETTER SET MYSELF ON FIRE TO ATONE FOR MY MANY MURDERS
and on that cheery note he leaves
and the ship gets loose from the ice
and everybody sails home
and is severely disturbed for the rest of their lives

so the moral of the story
is that santa claus is dead
he was killed by frankenstein’s monster
who then set himself on fire

THE END.

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