alright so the aesir right

they are getting sick and tired of not murdering anybody
like
that is what you do when you are an aesir
you murder all the time
giants mostly
but really whatever you can get ahold of

so it is just bad luck that on this particular day
this dude Gullveig shows up
i have no fucking clue who this guy is honestly
other than he is one of the Vanir
who are like the bizarro justice league
to the aesir’s justice league
i think i talked about this before

anyway Odin is like WELCOME TO MY HALL GULLVEIG
HOPE YOU LIKE GETTING STABBED AND SET ON FIRE
and gullveig is like actually i like it fine
and after he is done getting burned to death
he just stands up and is like try again dipshits
so they try again
and then they try a third time
and by this point it becomes pretty clear
that nothing is getting accomplished
so they are like alright dude you can leave
i guess
unless there’s some other way we can murder you?
and gullveig is like no not really
peace
thanks for the stab wounds

so gullveig goes back to the vanir
who already kind of hate the aesir
cause you know
bizarro
and he’s like guess where i just got stabbed and set on fire
and the other vanir are like THE HALLS OF THE AESIR?
and gullveig is like bingo
and the vanir are like MOTHERFUCKING WARTIME UP THE HELL RIGHT NOW

so then there’s a war
and the aesir are pretty confident they can win this shit
in fact odin doesn’t even bother to throw his spear AT the dudes fighting
he just kind of chucks it over their heads
just so that everyone will know he has a spear or something?
anyway that turns out to be a mistake
because the vanir are every bit as strong as the aesir
in fact both sides are so evenly matched
that the war goes on FOR FUCKING EVER
everyone raping the shit out of everybody else’s fields
salting the women
whatever

basically after a while everyone is like ok whoa now
why are we spending all this time murdering each other
and then getting resurrected probably and just doing it again
when there are GIANTS
over in JOTUNHEIM
not getting murdered AT ALL

so they make a truce
and in order to cement the truce
they exchange hostages
the vanir give the aesir Frey and Freyja
Frey being the god of fertility or something
and Freyja being the goddess of like
love
and other icky stuff

meanwhile the aesir are like hrm
who are the most useless people we have?
oh i know
let’s give them this dude Hoenir
and then also this super wise sage Mimir
now together these two dudes are actually pretty great
Hoenir is an awesome leader and general
and Mimir is just an all around super wise dude
you may recall that he has a well somewhere
but eventually the Vanir figure out
that Hoenir is TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON MIMIR
for opinions
like if mimir is not around
hoenir will just be like well shit i dunno
leading the vanir to believe that Hoenir is just some kind of like
illusion or something
which honestly he probably is
i mean the text is not clear here
but i’ve never fucking heard of any Hoenir
who is this guy

so the vanir solve the problem in the best way they know how
they cut off mimir’s head
and mail it to odin
and odin is like fuck what now
oh i know
i’ll have this head REANIMATED
so that it can tell me SECRETS
and this is exactly what he does
and it actually works
adding yet another thing
to the list of bizarre shit
odin does for secrets

meanwhile the aesir don’t chop of Frey’s head
OR Freyja’s head
in fact they treat them really well
and let them have a seat on the council
which basically means that the Vanir won the war
because they get to disagree with EVERYTHING the aesir council says
meanwhile the hostages the aesir gave the vanir
are either headless
or have no opinions

so the moral of the story is
when you lose a war
try and give your enemy some really sweet hostages
and then decapitate all the ones they give you
but probably most of you will probably not win any wars
sorry to say
so i guess just try to apply this moral
to the next time you lose at kickball or monopoly or whatever

the end

Who here likes booze

me
I like booze
and if you like booze
you will be THRILLED TO HEAR
about this mythical type of superbooze
the dwarves invented back in the day
it is called MAGICAL MEAD
it has only two ingredients
honey
and HUMAN BLOOD
but not just any blood
this is the blood of none other
than KVASIR THE POET
GUYS GUESS WHAT HE DOES
HE’S A POET
IT SAYS SO RIGHT IN HIS NAME
and not only is he a poet
but he’s a super good poet
so good
that drinking his blood
(as long as its mixed with honey)
not only gets you ten new varieties of shitfaced
it also gives you ultimate wisdom
and makes you speak beautiful words all the time
or maybe it just gets you so fucked up you think diamonds are coming out of your mouth
either way
pretty sweet stuff
bummer about Kvasir though

see what the dwarves do
being the little goldfucking assholes they are
is they bring Kvasir down to their caves
and murder him
and take his blood
all like HAHA GOT YOUR BLOOD ASSHOLE
and then they mix it with honey
and bam
magic mead
i hope that i am a good enough writer
that one day
dwarves will murder me
and drink my blood for wisdom

anyway the dwarves spend a good chunk of time
just becoming deliriously wrecked on this illicit substance
to the point
where they become convinced
that they are the hottest shit
ever to hit the fan
see all this bullshit about dwarves having like
THE highest alcohol tolerance
that is clearly bullshit
look how tiny they are
guys
they’re all just alcoholics
tiny filthy ring raping alcoholics
but i digress

the dwarves go up to the surface
to jotunheim
all like hehehe let’s prank some giants
so they find this one dumbass giant
Gilling
and they are like hey gilling let’s go for a boat ride
and gilling is like dur ok
and the dwarves are like HAHA PRANKED
WE’RE GONNA CRASH THE BOAT INTO A ROCK
AND YOU’RE GOING TO DROWN
AND WE’RE GOING TO FLOAT AIMLESSLY ON THE WRECKAGE
UNTIL A CURRENT CARRIES US TO SHORE
GOD WE ARE SO CLEVER
and then they probably throw up all over the place
because these dudes
they are dudes with drinking problems

anyway they are so titilated by this prank
hehe titillated
that they decide to prank Gilling’s wife too
so they show up at her house like
HEY
HEY GILLING’S WIFE
YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD
and gilling’s wife is all NOOOOOO
and runs out of the house crying and clapping for some reason
and the dwarves are all hiding over her door
and they drop a big rock on her head
killing her
BAM
INSTANT COMEDY

they probably would have kept getting drunk and killing giants
making them basically just like
tiny shitty aesir
only it turns out that not all giants are TOTAL RETARDS
for example, Gilling’s brother Suttung
sneaks up on the dwarves while they are busy singing a song they wrote
called LALALA FUCK GIANTS WE DONE KILLED TWO AND ALSO A POET
i tell you
this mead is some MAGIC SHIT
anyway Suttung grabs their asses
well not actually their asses
their whole bodies
in fact, like five of their whole bodies
in each of his massive fucking hands
and he wades out to sea
and puts them all on a rock
and the tide is rising
and Suttung is standing there like guys
guess who is going to drown from the rising tide first
it is going to be you
because you are way shorter than me
and the dwarves are like PLEASE NO
WE WILL GIVE YOU GOLD
ALSO JEWELS
ACTUALLY THE GOLD MIGHT BE A LITTLE STICKY WHEN WE GIVE IT TO YOU
YOU CAN STILL HAVE IT THOUGH

and suttung is like fuck no eww
what do i need that shit for
I’m a giant
i fuck GIANTS
not inanimate objects
and the dwarves are like OH YEAH WELL HOW BOUT SOME MAGIC MEAD
and suttung is like magic mead you say?
that could be extremely helpful for getting very drunk
i mean
for fighting the aesir
gimme
so he holds a couple dwarves hostage and they give him the mead
and he hides it in a cave
and turns his beautiful daughter into a fugly witch
so she will have nothing better to do than guard the mead forever

ok so plot twist
turns out that ALL OF THAT WAS BACKSTORY
because years later Odin FINALLY SHOWS UP
as Vegtam the wanderer
with the one eye and the wisdom and everything
he’s wandering past a field and he sees some dudes cutting wheat
and one of the dudes is like hey man
go tell Baugi in the castle up there that i can’t cut this wheat
i need to sharpen my scythe
this is bullshit
and Odin is like oh no problem use MY whetstone
and the dude is like aww fuck
i was just trying to get a quick break
but ok
and he sharpens his scythe
and then he cuts some wheat
and holy shit man
that wheat is well and truly CUT
so all the other eight dudes working there
are like GIMME
and odin is like fine whatever
and just tosses the stone into the field
and leaves them to fight over it
so Odin shows up at Baugi’s place
(baugi happens to be suttang’s brother by the way)
and he is like yo give me food
so they do
and while odin is eating dinner
a messenger comes in like Baugi
Baugi
all of our wheat dudes just killed each other with scythes
i guess they were fighting over a whetstone or something
and Odin is like haha suckers
hey Baugi do you need a wheat dude
i am pro at wheat

and Baugi is like pish posh my friend
i need nine wheat dudes
not just one
and Odin is like i can do nine wheat dudes worth of work
just watch me
and so baugi watches odin
do the work of nine men
for the ENTIRE season
and then is like alright what do i owe you
and Odin is like oh nothing
just A DRAUGHT OF THE MAGIC MEAD
and Baugi is like shit really?
ok lemme ask my bro

so Baugi goes to ask Suttang for the mead
and Suttang is like DUMBASS
WHO DO YOU THINK THAT GUY IS?
DO YOU THINK HE’S NINE GUYS
OR DO YOU THINK HE’S A FUCKING AESIR
BZZZZZ
TIME’S UP
HE’S A FUCKING AESIR IDIOT
DON’T BE GIVING NO MEAD TO THE FUCKING AESIR

so baugi goes back to odin like sorry dude no dice
and Odin is like bitch you still owe me big time
I am GETTING that mead
help me break into the cave where it is hid
and baugi is like fuck all i wanted was some harvested wheat
i did not sign up for this shit
this is why you always get a contract ahead of time
but ok

so baugi takes odin to the cave where the mead is
and there’s a huge rock blocking it
and he’s like sorry man
can’t move that
and odin hands him a hand-powered drill
and is like make it work bitch
and then stands there leaning on his staff
lookin’ all cool
while Baugi works his ass off trying to drill through stone
and after a bunch of hours
baugi is like ok done
and odin goes over and blows in the hole
and stone dust hits him in the face
and he’s like BITCH WHAT IS THIS
YOU DIDN’T DRILL ALL THE WAY THROUGH
NOW DID I ASK YOU TO DRILL A HOLE THROUGH THIS ROCK
OR DID I ASK YOU TO DRILL A HOLE TO PUSSYVILLE
WHAT DID IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN I SAID IT MOTHERFUCKER
GET BACK TO WORK
and baugi is like jeeze fine
and keeps drilling
and eventually he makes a hole all the way through
and is like there happy?
and odin is like yes but OH SHIT LOOK OVER THERE
and baugi is like what
and odin turns into a snake and goes into the hole
then baugi turns back around
and is like OH SHIT SNAKE
KILL IT
but he misses
like an asshole
and odin gets inside

inside, odin hears Suttang’s ugly daughter Gunnlod
crying because she is so ugly
and has to live in a cave
and has no friends or anything
she sees odin as a snake and is like
BOY I SURE HOPE YOU ARE POISONOUS
I HAVE BEEN LOOKING TO KILL MYSELF FOR A BIT
and odin is like nope just king of the gods right here
and Gunnlod is like OH FUCK NO YOU CANT HAVE THE MEAD
and odin is like what if i make you pretty again
and then he starts making out with her
and it turns her beautiful
sweet deal
must be great to be Odin
just start making out with any chick and bam
instant playmate

anyway in exchange for the mystical cosmetic surgery
Gunnlod lets odin take the mead
and they get lost in the cave for like 3 days trying to get out
maybe fuck each other a bit
and then they split up
with Gunnlod singing to everyone about how great Odin is
because she’s a great singer
because she had nothing to do in the cave but get wrecked on magic mead
and meanwhile odin imprisons the dwarves who made the mead
in their caves
forever
and then shares the mead with all the people of midgard
because i don’t care whether that cup is full of straight gin
or human fucking blood
you are not wasting good booze
that is the lesson

the end.

(If you are lazy or dont like reading
this chick read this myth out loud for you
here:
ON YOUTUUUUBE)

Okay so I guess you guys posted enough comments
I GUESS
JUST BARELY
so I’ll do your fucking Freyja myth
in fact
I’m gonna do you one better
I’m going to do you a myth
about Freyja
and Thor (whose day i neglected yesterday)
and Loki (who some dude requested)
so BAM
takin’ ALL your requests

speaking of which
you know the thing at the top of this page that says
“I take requests and I punch babies so watch out”
well lately
I have had to double up on my baby-punching
cause there have been NO
FUCKING
REQUESTS
so get on that guys
that is what the comments section is for
Anyway, Freyja-day

But there’s a problem
see
there is some debate in the scholarly community
over whether Frigga
and Freyja
are THE SAME PERSON
some people say they aren’t
well guess what scholars
FUCK YOU
because Freyja has ALL THE INTERESTING STORIES
but I’m pretty sure friday is named after Frigga
so we’re just going to have to make
THE MOST BRUTAL COMPROMISE

So Thor right,

he’s sleeping one night
prolly dreaming about
like
lightning and murder
specifically giantmurder
cause that’s what you do when you’re an aesir
and he wakes up
and is like man that was a good dream
bout to go beat the shit out of some giants
OH SHIT
WHERE IS MY HAMMER
OH SHIT OH FUCK OH DAISIES
LOOOOOKIIIIIIIII

and loki shows up like i didn’t do it
i mean hey thor what’s good
and thor is like
SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER
and Loki is like oh shit
I actually seriously didn’t do that
for once
here dude
let me help you find it
let’s go see Freyja

so they go see Freyja
and freyja is like hey thor what’s good
and thor is like
SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and Freya is like shut the fuck up man
we can solve this mystery
Loki did you steal the hammer
and Loki is like nope
and Freyja is like fuck well I’m out of ideas then
and Loki is like WAIT UP
FREYJA
how about you lend me your cloak of feathers
the one that lets you fly
so I can fly over to the land of the giants
and ask them where they hid thor’s hammer
because
as you know
if it wasn’t me
it was definitely the giants

And freyja is like sure man
i trust you absolutely
now that you’ve personally assured me
that you didn’t steal mjolnir
here
take my super valuable cloak
so Loki takes it
and flies all the way to Jotunheim
and surprisingly
FAILS TO STEAL THE CLOAK ANYWHERE ALONG THE WAY
and instead glides right up to the king of the giants
or at least some really rich giant
named Thrym
who is just sitting up on a mountain
with some hounds
on gold leashes
maybe chillin in a champagne jacuzzi i dunno
and he is like yo loki my man whats good
you here to fuck some more large women
and Loki is like
not today my man
hey
you didn’t happen to steal mjolnir did you?
and Thrym is like HAHA YOU GOT ME
AND GUESS WHAT
I BURIED IT
AND I’LL NEVER GIVE IT BACK
UNLESS I GET TO MARRY FREYJA
SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SUCK IT
AND SEE WHAT COMES OUT
CAUSE IT SURE AIN’T GONNA BE MJOLNIR
NOT UNLESS WHAT YOU PUT IN THAT PIPE IS FREYJA
IN A BRIDAL GOWN
AND THEN YOU PASS THAT PIPE TO ME
JUST LIKE I SAID BEFORE
BUT LESS ABSTRACTLY

So loki flies back to Freyja and Thor
who are both like HOLY SHIT LOKI
DID YOU FORGET TO STEAL THAT CLOAK OR SOMETHING
BECAUSE IT IS STILL CLEARLY ON YOUR BACK
IT IS LIKE YOU ARE SUDDENLY
RESPECTING PEOPLES’ POSSESSIONS AND SHIT
and Loki is like what I don’t steal things
what are you talking about
listen I can get mjolnir back
it’s super easy
here Freyja put on this dress
and then you just gotta go rub your vagina on this giant
just right quick
and bam
free hammer

and Freyja is just like HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
NO
what do you think I am some kind of slut
Thor you do it
and thor is like
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
way jose
what do i look like some kind of cross-dressing motherfucker
some kind of effeminate sonofabitch all prancing around
picking flowers
not crushing woodland creatures
bitch you could not find a vagina on me if you CUT ONE INTO MY FLESH
SHIT WOULD GROW BACK
THAT IS HOW MANLY I AM

and Freyja is like yes thor we all understand
but you know
if you dont get that hammer back
who is going to kill all the giants
no one
those giants are going to remain woefully unkilled
all hanging out over there in jotunheim
with their gold
and champagne baths
and large women
and thor is like I WON’T ALLOW IT
and loki is like so you’ll put on this dress?
and thor is like fuck
FINE

so they pull out ALL the fucking stops
this is like pimp my ride for drag queens right here
they give him a dress
and Freyja’s pretty necklace
and some housekeys
cause apparently there is some tradition
where after the wedding
they lock you out of a house
and you have to get inside
or you’re officially divorced or something
and a veil and all that shit
and Thor just feels
SO
FUCKING
PRETTY
but he won’t let anyone know
cause he’s thor alright

and then Loki gets jealous of how pretty thor is
and is like I wanna dress up too
and Freyja is like alright
you can be her i mean his maid
and go with him
and be like his wingman or whatever
is there a female version of wingman
is it just wingwoman
that sounds kind of awkward
i’m coining a new phrase
titcaptain
tell your friends

so Loki and thor show up at Thrym’s place
and thrym is like aww hell yeah
for many years i have been super rich
but in all that time
i have never been super rich AND married to Freyja
you’re moving up in the world Thrym old boy
here Freyja come into my hall let’s eat
and thor is like
hell
yes
and he eats an entire ox
and then eight salmon
and all the little cakes and shit they can bring him
and chugs a ton of mead
until Thrym is like whoa
whoa baby
might wanna slow down there
and Loki is like no man it’s totally cool
he i mean she didn’t eat for the last eight days
cause she was SO EXCITED
about your DICK
so Thrym is like oh ok

so he thinks about that
and he is like man
i really wanna kiss my bride
i want it real bad guys
here let me take a look at your beautiful
OH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
cause see he pulls up thor’s veil
and he sees his eyes
flaming with pure black hatred
and that is not what he is looking for
and he is like MY WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE
and loki is like no man
no its fine
she just hasnt slept for the last eight days
cause she was SO FUCKING EXCITED
about your dick
like i said
honestly i dunno how she’s even alive
except i guess for the whole goddess thing

so then this random chick busts into the room
one of Thrym’s daughters or something
and is like FREYJA GIVE ME A WEDDING GIFT
EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED
GIVE ME RINGS OF RED GOLD
and thor is like bitch what the fuck is red gold
what am I a fucking dwarf
hey Thrym I want wedding gift actually
how about some mjolnir over here
and Thrym is like ANYTHING YOU SAY HONEY
and goes and digs up mjolnir
and puts it in Thor’s lap
and thor is like OH IT IS PARTY TIME NOW MOTHERFUCKERS

so he kills thrym
and then all of thrym’s dudes
and then that chick who asked him for gold
just for good measure
and is like WHO’S THE MAN
WHO’S THE MAN
ME RIGHT?
BECAUSE THIS WHOLE THING
HAS MADE ME PRETTY INSECURE
IN MY MASCULINITY
and then he leaves and lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story is
if at first you don’t succeed
try crossdressing

The end

Alright welcome back to Odin week motherfuckers

now it was drawn to my attention
by this chick I know
that the days of the week
are actually named after norse gods
and also big shit in the sky
you’ve got moon day
tyr’s day
Odin’s day
(which is why it’s spelled all funny)
Thor’s day
Freya’s day
Sun day
and then Saturn day is just some roman bullshit
got thrown right in there along with the norse
fucking romans
gods always sticking it in where they don’t belong

anyway my point is
that I have been kind of fucking up this week
see what I should have done
is told a myth about Tyr on tuesday
and a myth about Odin on wednesday
and I should be telling you one about Thor today
WELL TOUGH TITS GUYS
Because like i said
IT’S ODIN WEEK
and you are going to have to deal with that

but I will do something for you guys
kind of a concession
a little bit of a bonus
to placate you
which is
if I get at least three people telling me it’s a good idea in the comments
at the bottom of this post
tomorrow I will put up a myth about Freya
in honor of her day of the week
but Saturday is still gonna be Odin day no matter what alright
because fuck saturn

AN
Y
WAY

This myth takes place back in the day
before Odin was such a one-eyed badass
when he used to live on an island with his wife Frigga
aka Freya
aka WIFE OF GRIMNER THE FISHERMAN
because GRIMNER is the bizarre moniker odin happens to be going by
at the moment
let me just say that Grimner is a pretty fucking badass name
especially for a fisherman
and all of my children are going to be named Grimner
boys and girls
especially girls

anyway frigga and odin are chilling on this island
kind of just keeping an eye out
for bad dudes who get lost on their ships
and are of a sufficiently impressionable age
to be molded into ultimate heroes
designed to kill giants
because basically all the Aesir ever do
is think up ways to fuck with giants
Loki is pretty much the only one you even see getting laid
and all the other aesir hate him anyway
cause everyone else basically just sits around
thinking about fucking up giants all day

so one day odin and frigga are out looking for shipwrecked dudes
and they find the sons of king Hrauding
who i know nothing about
but i guess he was a pretty awesome king
cause Odin and frigga shit themselves with excitement
and they immediately start having a pissing contest
to see who can turn one of the brothers
into the most absurdly righteous hero engine

so Odin grabs his favorite of the two
Geirrod
who is the youngest
and is really fucking loud all the time
also strong
and easily excited
and Odin teaches him how to hunt
and fish
and climb rocks
and jump over chasms
and he feeds him steroids and has him fight bears
with a shitty handmade spear
just to toughen him up
for the end of the world

and then there’s Frigga’s favorite
Agnar
who is older
and kind of softspoken
and generally sort of a nice guy
but also a consummate pussy
sometimes Agnar goes out with Geirrod
on his perpetual suicide missions with Odin
and he does ok
but his brother always does way better
and Odin is like HAHAHA PUSSY
LOOK WHAT A HERO YOUR BROTHER IS
GO BACK TO YOUR KNITTING PRINCESS

so Agnar does
he spends most of his time chilling with Frigga
who sits at home sewing most of the time
and talking about all the other Aesir
and the giants
and all the shit I already told you guys
like about what a musclebound dickstrap Thor is
and how Loki can’t fucking keep it in his pants
and Agnar is like damn
you guys are in some deep shit with friends like those
and you’re in charge of protecting Midgard?
where I live?!
no way girl
I am going to figure out how to do my part
to make sure you do not piss a flaming blue streak
through my precious land
I’m going to be super righteous and shit
it’s gonna rule

so the time comes for the boys to go back home
and Odin builds them a boat
because of ALL THE THINGS ODIN AND FRIGGA TAUGHT THEM
they did not think it was important
to teach them how to get off of a deserted island
even though that was the NUMBER ONE PROBLEM FACING THEM
THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME
but before they leave
Odin takes Geirrod aside
and is like dude
one day you are going to be king
you’re gonna be a fucking hero too
you are going to get so many bitches
it is going to be wicked
so remember
one day I am going to hit you up
and you better not be too stuck up
to allow GRIMNER THE FISHERMAN into your royal hall
because that would make you a shitty king
also
I want a couple of your bitches
and Geirrod is like no doubt dude
i am totally going to be a hero
but not a king though
because my pussy-ass brother is older than me
so you’ll have to ask him about the bitches
bummer, huh?
and Odin is like yeah, bummer.

Meanwhile Agnar is looking deep into Frigga’s eyes
all like
no matter what
I am going to figure out how to fight the battle of the gods
cause i am not leaving it in your hands
your husband made my brother fight a BEAR
with a SHARPENED STICK
AND NEVER TAUGHT US HOW TO BUILD A FUCKING BOAT
and frigga is like tru dat
good luck dude

so they set sail in their new boat
but just when they are in sight of their dad’s kingdom
Geirrod is like man it’s sure great that we’re going home
but you know what would be even better
is if only I made it home
and i told them you were dead
and they made me king
and Agnar is like no man
that sounds like it would be much much worse
than what is happening right now
and Geirrod is like TOUGH CHUCKLES PUSSY
I’VE ALREADY THROWN AWAY THE OARS
AND PUSHED US IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF THE SHORE
AND NOW I AM GOING TO USE MY ULTIMATE SWIMMING SKILLS
TO SWIM TO SHORE
I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO KILL YOU
I AM JUST GOING TO BADASS YOU
TO DEATH

so this is exactly what Geirrod does
and his father is so happy to see him
cause he thought both his kids were dead
so one out of two aint bad
and pretty soon the old dude dies and Geirrod becomes a king
well played

So cut to a bunch of years later
after Odin chucks his eye into Mimir’s well
and gains ultimate wisdom
and he’s just walking from place to place
wandering around
judging people
when he arrives in Geirrod’s kingdom
and he’s like SWEET
finally
time for some fine bitches after all this wandering
and then all these jackasses on horses show up
and nearly trample him as they head into town
and he’s like whoa what the fuck guys
and follows them to the stables
where they yell for the servants to come out
but only one servant comes out
and guess who it is

that’s right

AGNAR
AGNAR has snuck back into the kingdom
and is working as a fucking stableboy
and his brother has no idea
Odin immediately knows all of this
through the magic power
of exposition
granted to him by the wisdom water
but he doesnt have time to do anything about it
cause the horse dudes are like
HEY ASSHOLE
COME HELP US WITH THESE HORSES
so he does
and then afterwards, Agnar is like hey man
would you like some bread
that is all I have
cause i am real poor
but you know
i can also offer you like
some straw
to sit on, not to eat
and odin is like yeah yeah thats fine
but what i really want
is some bitches
and some steaks
so I’m going to go into the royal hall real quick
and get that shit
and Agnar is like DUDE NO
The king is in a BAAAAAAAD MOOOOOOD
you do not want to go in there
and Odin is like yes i do
i want it like a man wants a fine steak and some even finer bitches
on a cold winter’s night
and Agnar is like alright suit yourself

so odin goes up to the royal hall
and knocks on the door like
hey
hey
hey
where my steaks at
and this hunchback comes out
like what the fuck do you want
and odin is like i wanna hang out in the king’s hall
and the hunchback is like not in this king’s hall buddy
and he’s about to punch him in the face
when the king yells at him from inside
so he lets odin in

And odin walks in
and he sees all these positively evil bastards eating at the king’s table
and he is like aww shit
Geirrod has become a king of wankers and thieves
and Geirrod looks at him and is like
SO YOU WANT TO COME HANG OUT WITH THE COOL KIDS HUH
WELL HOW ABOUT YOU SING FOR US
and Odin is like sure ok
how about I sing a song about what a shitty king you are
and Geirrod is like HOW ABOUT I CHAIN YOU UP AND SET YOU ON FIRE
AGAIN AND AGAIN
FOR EIGHT DAYS
and odin is like go for it

so they chain him up
and set him on fire
and he just stands there
mad dogging Geirrod
ALL
NIGHT
LONG
and early in the morning
when no one’s around
Agnar sneaks in
and gives him a horn of ale
so Odin gets completely shitfaced
because Geirrod tells all his servants
to make sure not to give Odin any food or water
so he has nothing in his system but ale and hatred
when Geirrod arrives in the evening
and sets him on fire again
and Odin just stands there
mad dogging him
not getting burnt

now you would think
that after two nights of this
Geirrod would figure out that fire doesnt hurt this guy
but no
he just goes for broke
he shows no sign of stopping
he just keeps setting this drunk motherfucker on fire
like i said for eight days
and Agnar keeps bringing him ale
until Odin gets drunk enough
that he is just like fuck this shit
and lightly rips all the chains out of the stone walls
and then walks slowly towards Geirrod
who really hates him at this point
and to make matters worse
he starts singing another song
about how shitty Geirrod is at being king
and how he is gonna die

so Geirrod does the sensible thing
and attacks him with his sword
i guess thinking that eight days of fire
probably weakened Odin’s invincibility or something
guess what
he is totally wrong about this
his sword fails
and Odin is like
HEY GUYS
GUESS WHAT
I’M ODIN
THE ALLFATHER
YOU ALL DONE FUCKED UP BAD

and the mere realization of how badly they have fucked up
turns all of the bastards in the court
including Geirrod
into wolves
and then they run away
and Odin is like hey Agnar
thanks for the booze
you’re king now
have fun
and Agnar turns out to be a really good king
a lot better than his asshole brother

so the moral of the story is
don’t set homeless people on fire
homeless people are flame retardant
and will turn you and your friends into wolves

The end

Hey guys I’m back
I noticed you did some pretty sweet myths while i was gone
call me some time Jesse
anyway awesome work
we’ll have to do it again sometime

NOW

Since you motherfuckers STOLE
at least one of the myths i was gonna do this week
You’re going to hear all about ODIN
ALL WEEK LONG
yes it is motherfucking ODIN WEEK
here on the better myths blog
so check it out

there is this guy odin right
(I’m trying this crazy paragraph idea today
let’s see where it takes us)
i think i said before how he kind of made the world and stuff
anyway he has these two birds
Hugin and Munin
they’re ravens actually
and every day they fly all over the place
and then they come back and tell Odin what’s up

but DISASTER STRIKES
because one day
instead of showing up
the ravens DON’T SHOW UP
and Odin is all
FUCK I’M PRETTY AFRAID HUGIN IS GONNA DIE
BUT I REALLY LIKE MUNIN A LOT BETTER
SO I HOPE HE COMES BACK FIRST

but the next day both of the ravens come back
only instead of telling him all the shit they saw
all they will say is
DOOM DOOM DOOM MOTHERFUCKER
GOT SOME FOREBODING SHADOWS UP IN THIS BITCH
and Odin is like
OH FUCK
FOREBODING SHADOWS
THOSE ARE THE WORST KIND OF SHADOWS
SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT SHIT
DAMN

so his wife Frigga busts in like
HUSBAND STOP YELLING
and Odin is like
I CANT STOP YELLING
THERE ARE FOREBODING SHADOWS FUCKING GOING ON ALL OVER THE PLACE
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WOMAN
DO YOU WANT ME TO BE CALM
HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO BE CALM WITH ALL THIS DOOM EVERYWHERE
and frigga is like dude chill
if bad shit’s gonna happen
bad shit’s gonna happen
tell you what
how about we go hit up these chicks called the norns
who live at the bottom of Ygdrassil
– THE TREE OF LIFE –
and look into their eyes for a bit and see the future
and then see how you feel ok?
and Odin is like okay i guess
I felt like I was really making some progress here though
you know
with the yelling

so Odin gets all his buddies together
them being Tyr
the one-armed badass swordmaster murder convention
Baldur
the most beautiful and best loved of all the gods
and Thor
who has a hammer
they all walk over to this fabulous rainbow bridge
that connects Asgard to the base of Ygdrassil
and Odin goes up to Heimdall
who is the keeper of the gate
and the watchman of Asgard
and also has the ultimate set of gold dentures
and Odin is like dude
open the gate
and heimdall is all sure ok
and he opens the gate
and Odin walks through
and Tyr walks through
and Baldur walks through
and Thor tries to walk through and Heimdall is like NOPE
NO THORS ALLOWED
and Thor
who is the god of getting real pissed real fast
is all WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ASSHOLE
AM I GOING TO HAVE TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR GATE
AND YOUR BRIDGE
AND YOUR WIFE
OR LIKE
SINCE YOU DONT HAVE A WIFE
AM I GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT
UNTIL SOME POOR SKANK FINDS YOUR WEAKASS GOLD GRILL ALLURING
AND MARRIES YOU
AND THEN AT THE WEDDING CEREMONY
WHEN YOU ARE ALL HAVING YOUR FIRST DANCE
AND CUTTING THE CAKE AND SHIT
BUST OUT OF THE CAKE AND CLOCK YOUR NEW WIFE IN THE JAW?
WITH MY HAMMER?
BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT DEFINES ME AS A PERSON MOTHERFUCKER
IT IS MY MASSIVE FUCKING HAMMER
AND IF THERE IS A SECOND THING
IT IS MY INCREDIBLY VINDICTIVE NATURE
SO JUST THINK ABOUT THAT OK
and Heimdall is like
well
actually your hammer is kind of the problem
the weight of your hammer
combined with the weight of your
fat
fat
ass
would break the rainbow bridge
so I’m sorry dude
you’re going to have to stay home
and thor is like NO
and Heimdall is like well i mean
you can leave your hammer with me
and Thor is like NOOOOOOOOOOO
and at this point Odin and the other guys are just like
Thor
Thor
buddy
it’s not that big a deal
just chill out in asgard for a bit
we’ll be back
and thor is like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and Odin is like Heimdall, bro
just let him cross the bridge, yeah?
he’s gonna have one of his tantrums
and Heimdall is like i can’t
it will actually break
but he can go another way
there are these two smothering miserable cloud rivers
that follow the bridge
if he can wade through both of those, he can meet you on the other side
and Thor is like SOUNDS AWESOME

so Odin and Tyr and Baldur
have to hang out and just listen to some fucking swans for a bit
and wait for thor to complete his miserable and unecessary slog
through the cloud rivers
to the base of Ygdrassil
and he finally makes it
and then Odin goes over to stare at the Norns for a bit
there are three norns
Urda, the old one
Verdandi, the hot one
and Skulda, the emo one
and in their eyes Odin can see the future
and it’s pretty fucking depressing
the myth doesn’t really say quite what he sees
but whatever it is it’s just a thousand times worse
than whatever the ravens told him
and then his wife shows up
with Sif (Thor’s wife, with the gold wig)
and Nanna (Baldur’s wife. Lucky bitch)
and she looks at the norns for a bit
and then looks real sad at Baldur
who is her son
presumably cause she saw him die in the future or some shit
who knows

so Odin turns around like
HEY WIFE OF ODIN
which is what he calls his wife apparently
and Frigga is like
YEAH HUSBAND OF FRIGGA WHATS UP?
and Odin is like IM GOING TO MIDGARD FOR A BIT
I NEED TO DRINK FROM THE WELL OF MIMIR
CAUSE IT IS FORTIFIED WITH WISDOM AND SHIT
AND ALL THESE FOREBODING SHADOWS ARE GOING WAY OVER MY HEAD
and Frigga is like COOL OK

So Odin gets rid of his spear
and all his armor
and his eagle helmet
and his eight-legged horse
and his name
and becomes VEGTAM THE WANDERER
he gets a blue cloak and a staff
and starts walking through midgard
on his way to Jotunheim
to see him some giants

pretty soon
he sees him a giant
and since he is Odin
he looks like a giant to other giants
and a regular dude to other regular dudes
so he walks up to the giant like
HEY THERE OTHER GIANT
WHO ARE YOU
and the giant is like
I AM VAFTHRUDNER
WISEST GIANT EVER
Odin has heard about this dude
and he knows that he is not bullshitting
so he is like
OH DAMN I AM IN LUCK
HEY VAFTHRUDNER
HOOK ME UP WITH SOME WISDOM
and Vafthrudner is like
OK BUT FIRST ANSWER MY RANDOM BULLSHIT TRIVIA
AND IF YOU ANSWER WRONG I GET TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD
this is how they play trivial pursuit in sweden
and Odin is like ok sure

so Vafthrudner is like ALRIGHT SMART GUY
WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE RIVER BETWEEN ASGARD AND JOTUNHEIM
and Odin is like IFLING MOTHERFUCKER
so Vafthruder is like ALRIGHT ALRIGHT
BUT WHAT ARE THE NAMES OF THE HORSES DAY AND NIGHT DRIVE
and Odin is like SKINFAX AND HRIMFAX FOOL
so Vafthruder is like FINE EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
BUT WHAT IS THE NAME
OF THE PLAIN
WHERE THE LAST BATTLE WILL BE FOUGHT
and Odin is like MAN I EXPECTED SOME RIDDLES OR SOMETHING
NOT THIS STUPID POP QUIZ BULLSHIT
THE ANSWERS TO ALL THESE QUESTIONS ARE ON FUCKING WIKIPEDIA
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SPOSED TO BE WISE
IT’S CALLED THE PLANE OF VIGARD BITCH

and Vafthruder is like aww fuck
well hold on
now you gotta ask me a question
and if I can answer it, I get away clean
but if I CAN’T then you get my head
and Odin is like alright i guess
how about this one:
WHAT ARE THE LAST WORDS THAT ODIN WILL SAY TO HIS SON BALDUR
BEFORE BALDUR DIES
and Vafthruder is like JESUS CHRIST COME ON
THAT IS ENTIRELY UNFAIR
ONLY ODIN WOULD KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUE- wait a second
you’re Odin aren’t you?
you motherfucker.
alright well decapitate me I guess

but odin is like WHOA WHOA MAN
I didn’t want to decapitate you
I just wanna know how much it costs to drink from Mimir’s well
and Vafthruder is like oh damn is that all?
you could have just asked Mimir
ok well Mimir generally just charges people
THEIR RIGHT EYE
in exchange for a drink from the well of wisdom
and Odin is like really?
and Vafthruder is like yup
and Odin is like does he ever charge anything else?
and Vafthruder is like nope.

So Odin is like fuuuuuuck man
I need my right eye
for like
depth perception
and like
keeping bacteria out of my bleeding eyesocket
maybe i shouldn’t go through with this
and then he remembers that that would be super lame
and all the other gods would call him a pussy forever
so he gets his balls up
and goes to Mimir’s well
and is like hey Mimir
hook it up

Mimir looks at him and is like dude
you know how much it costs right?
and Odin is like yup
and Mimir says
cause like a lot of people show up here
all GIVE ME SOME WISDOM
and i’m always like sure
one eyeball please
and they are like NOOOOOOO WAYYYYYY
so i just wanted to make sure you weren’t gonna pussy out
I mean I know you’re not gonna
because I drink from this fucker all the time
and have ultimate wisdom
but still
for formality’s sake
you down to give me your right eye?
and Odin is like YES.

So Mimir gives him the water of knowledge first
which strikes me as an incredibly unwise move
because Odin could have just
drunk all the water
and then left
and kept both his eyes
and in fact if that water had really given him ultimate wisdom
that’s probably what he would have done

but no
he drinks the water
and he sees what he has to do to mitigate the horrible foreboding shadow
even though it can’t be stopped
because norse mythology is pretty fucking gloomy
and then he puts down the drinking horn
and he plucks out his eye
and he puts his still-warm bleeding eyeball in Mimir’s well
proving once and for all
that the norse may not have been a very smart people
or a very happy people
but no matter what

THEY WERE ALWAYS METAL

The end.

Remember Loki?

I bet you do
he’s that hair-stealing
eating-contest-losing motherfucker
who is pretty much responsible
for every bad thing
that happens in the norse universe
so here’s another entry
on the list of ways loki fucked up everything
one day he’s wandering around jotunheim
where all the giants live
and he sees this chick Angrboða
pronounced
ANGER
BOW
THE
and he is like welp
i know she’s pretty ugly
and a giantess
and her name is kind like an anagram
of THE ANGER BOW
but you know what
i’m gonna tap that
and have three kids with that
and all three of those kids
are going to be horrible beasts
ultimately responsible for the end of the world
i see no problems with this
so he gets busy
i’ll talk about all the kids eventually
but right now lets just focus on the first kid
a giant wolf named Fenrir
now loki has fenrir
and brings him to Asgard
and all the gods are like holy fuck what is that
and they instantly know that this wolf
is gonna be the death of them
but instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own
presumably because they dont want to hurt loki’s feelings
so this god Tyr
the god of single combat and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass
to actually go near the wolf
and fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like
um guys
we should really do something about this wolf
so what they do
is they make a big metal chain
this chain is so incredibly massive
that they don’t feel right
until they give it a name
that name is Leyding
so they go up to fenrir like hey man
i bet you totally can’t break out of this chain
if you let us tie you up with it
and fenrir is like oh yeah
and the Aesir are like yeah
and fenrir is like ok bring it
so they tie him up
and he pretty much just flexes a little
and the chains break like cobwebs
and fenrir gets famous
and the gods are like fuck
that backfired
ok lets make a better chain
so they make a chain
TWO TIMES AS STRONG
as Leyding
and they name it Dromi
and they go back to fenrir like hey
HEY
bet you can’t break THIS chain
and fenrir is like
i dont know if i want to let you tie me up again
and the gods are like do you want to be double famous
breaking this chain would totally make you double famous
and fenrir is like ugh ok
so he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little
but the chain doesnt break
so then he kicks the chain
and it does break
and the gods are all like DAMMIT
ok we definitely need a better chain
somebody call some dwarves
so the dwarves are like ok
the mistake you guys have been making
is you have been trying to make a chain
out of ordinary things
like metal
instead of abstract concepts
like the sound of a cat’s footfall
so what the dwarves do
is they take the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain
the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman
– remember these are dwarves
their BEARDS have beards –
and the breath of a fish
and the spit of a bird
so thats why you cant hear cats walking around
and mountains dont have roots
and fish dont breathe
and birds dont spit
but like
i think bears still probably have sinews
and i have definitely met me some bearded ladies
so i guess the dwarves were not that thorough
but anyway
somehow they manage to like
synthesize all this shit
into the ultimate chain
except its not a chain
its a ribbon
called gleipnir
it is thin and pink and soft
and the gods go and bring it to fenrir
and are like i bet you cant get out of this ribbon
and fenrir is like come ON guys
there is no fame to be gained
from breaking a fucking little girl’s pretty bow
and i dont think youd even be asking me to break this
if you had not magicked up some ridiculous bullshit
that means i will like
lose my balls
or my face will come off
when you tie me up
and the gods are like no no no
why would we do that
what do you think we are
desperately afraid of you or something
we just thought
that if the great wolf fenrir
was too much of a pussy to let himself get tied up
by a fucking pink ribbon
we might just go and tell everybody about that
and then they would laugh at you
thats all
and fenrir is like FUCK
FINE
but i seriously dont trust you guys
so how about i’ll let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth
as collateral
and all the gods are like um well
uh
and then Tyr is like i’ll do it
because he’s a fucking badass
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous pansies all his friends are
so then they tie fenrir up
and fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like DAMMIT
and bites of Tyr’s hand
and everyone laughs at fenrir
except for tyr
because he just got his hand bit off
and then fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone
so they jam a sword in his mouth
to keep it open forever
and fenrir drools
which makes an entire fucking river
called “hope” in norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON
AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD
because actually that is what the norse prophecy says
is that eventually
at the end of the world
Fenrir will get loose
and eat odin
so i guess the moral of the story really is
hang in there
and also that if you have a friend like loki
who fucks giants and keeps bringing home mutant babies
stop hanging out with that friend

the end

Ok so check it

this one day thor is sitting around in asgard
and he is really fucking bored
and is like hey guys
wanna go kill some giants?
and his servant Thialfi is like
SHIT YEAH MOTHAFUCKAAAAAA
and then thor is like hey loki
do you want to come fuck with some some giants
cause like
we have both totally forgotten
about how you shaved my wife’s head
and then how afterwards
i knocked you out with a hammer
so that dwarves could sew your mouth shut
and loki is like sure ok
so these three dudes go to jotunheim
which is the dimension where all the giants live
and they just kind of pick a direction
and start walking
because like
if you are in the dimension where all the giants live
it is not going to be very hard to find giants
you are not going to need things like
a map
or infared goggles
or like some kind of a compass
that uses giants for magnets
but what you are going to need
and what thor totally forgets to bring
is something to sleep in during the night
because jotunheim is ass cold all the time
but luckily though when it gets dark they find a cave
and they go in and go to sleep
but they dont sleep for very long
because there is a fucking EARTHQUAKE
so thialfi and loki are like shit shit shit
and thor is like awesome
i love earthquakes
because normal stationary rocks are NOT HARDCORE ENOUGH
so you pussies can go hide in the cave
i am going to stand at the mouth of the cave
holding my hammer
ALL
NIGHT
LONG
in case i need to beat the shit out of some boulders or something
so loki and thialfi go hide
in this adjoining chamber in the cave
meanwhile thor just stands in the mouth of the cave
just WAITING for some boulders to get uppity
but nothing happens until the next morning
when all three dudes come out of the cave
and find this fucking MASSIVE giant out there
this giant is SO massive
that thor is actually afraid to use his hammer on it
yeah
THOR
THOR is afraid to use his hammer
the guy who was just talking shit to an EARTHQUAKE
is afraid to use his hammer on this dude
so instead he decides to actually try like
talking to someone instead of instantly killing them
and is like dude sup
what is your name
and the giant says oh hey man
my name is Skrymir
you must be thor
i heard you yelling GET SOME at some rocks last night
by the way
what the fuck were you guys doing in my glove?
see it turns out what they thought was a cave
is actually this motherfucker’s glove
and the chamber where loki and thialfi hid
is the thumb
so they all feel pretty retarded
but they get over it in the traditional way
which is to make breakfast
and then skrymir is like hey how about
i carry all your food along with mine
and he does it
and then the gods spend basically the whole day
trying to keep up with his giant strides
but they manage it
and they make camp for the night
this time not in a glove
and skrymir is like you guys can make dinner
im going to bed
so he goes to sleep
and thor tries to open the bag with all the food in it
but that asshole skrymir has apparently tied the bag so hard
that thor cannot open it
so everyone is really fucking hungry
when skrymir starts SNORING
he snores so fucking loud
it drives thor into a murderous rage
although really
it does not take a whole lot to induce a murderous rage in thor
so anyway thor grabs his hammer
and hits skrymir on the head as hard as he can
and skrymir wakes up and is like oh hey guys
did a leaf just fall on my head or something
and thor is like NO
ASSHOLE
and skrymir is like oh ok
well have you eaten yet?
are you ready to go to sleep?
and thor is like WE WERE JUST GOING TO GO TO SLEEP.
and then he stomps over to his bed and he lies down
and skrymir starts snoring again
and thor gets DOUBLE-PISSED
and he grabs his hammer
and he hits Skrymir EVEN HARDER
so hard that it actually makes a dent in the giant’s head
and skrymir wakes up and is like whoa hey
are there like
some birds up in that tree
dislodging some like
very soft moss
that might have fallen on my head or something
and thor is like NO NOTHING HAPPENED
I WAS JUST GETTING A CUP OF WATER
GO BACK TO SLEEP
and he decides that if he has to hit skrymir again
he is going to fucking shatter his brain
sure enough
skrymir starts his magical snoring adventure all over again
and thor is like ok thats it
get ready to die
and he hits skrymir SO HARD
that he buries the hammer in his skull UP TO THE HANDLE
that is like brain damage city right there
next stop concussion island
but skrymir just wakes up like OH SHIT
DID AN ACORN JUST FALL ON MY HEAD OR SOMETHING
by this point its like 6AM
and no one except skrymir has had any sleep at all
and also no one got any dinner
but thor is not willing to admit either of those things
so they all start walking again
and skrymir is like ok guys so
if you want to see like a whole ton of giants
you should check out this castle over here
its called utgard
and it is full of huge motherfuckers like me
so my suggestion is when you go there
dont start a pissing contest with these dudes
because they have balls bigger than your house
and they will fucking drown you in urine
anyway i gotta go now
have fun
so thor and loki and thialfi all go to this castle
and they walk in
and they see the king sitting in his fucking gigantic throne
the king’s name is Utgard-Loki
no relation to regular loki
except that he’s a huge prick
thor is super respectful to him
and in exchange Utgard-Loki is just like
did someone order some pathetic quivering vaginas
oh wait thats not a vagina thats Thor
hey thor whats up
i thought you were a vagina for a second there
because you look so fucking weak
but hey
i’m willing to concede that you guys are not tremendous pussies
but only if you impress me with some kind of mad skill
guys what are you all good at
and so loki is like well i can eat really fast
so Utgard-loki is like well ok
how about you have a foodrace with this dude logi
yeah i know his name is a lot like your name
and also that my name is a lot like your name
look dude just go with it
so logi and loki
stand on opposite ends of a trough
FULL OF MEAT
and they chow the fuck down
until they meet in the middle
exactly in the middle
so loki is like awesome
a tie
but then he looks
and not only has logi eaten all the meat
hes also eaten all the bones
and also the trough
so you know
thats pretty demoralizing
next thialfi is like well hm
im a really fucking fast runner
and utgard-loki is like ok
race this guy hugi
and hugi is just so much ridiculously faster than thialfi
by the time thialfi has run like ten feet
hugi has won the race
and then run back to the starting line
and in between
probably fucked thialfi’s dad or something
so then utgard-loki is like ok thor
you have some pretty shitty friends
i hope you suck less than them
what are you good at
and thor says i am the best at getting drunk
so utgard-loki is like ok here
and he gives him a drinking horn
the manliest of all drinking vessels
and is like ok
if you are a good drinker you will down this in one try
two is the average
and even the biggest pansy in the castle can do it in 3
so thor looks at the horn
its pretty big
but thor is like world champion of alcoholism
so hes like psh no problem
and he starts chugging
and he chugs for prolly like
a solid hour
and then looks into the horn
and it’s hardly gone down at all
so he tries again
just suckin that shit down
but when he looks theres still a whole ton of wine
so he tries a THIRD time
and just keeps right on failing
so utgard-loki is like damn thor
how does it feel living life without testicles
i have never seen anything so pathetic
but hey maybe you’re better at lifting things
than you are at drinking things
here see if you can lift my cat
utgard-loki’s cat is pretty big
but not huge
so thor is like seriously guys
did you know that i can punch holes in dragons
what is this bullshit
and he walks over to the cat
and he strains and strains to pick it up
but that cat is apparently an expert at being obese
because thor only gets one of its paws off the ground
and utgard-loki is like careful there thor
if you suck any harder you might turn into a black hole or some shit
and thor is like oh yeah cockblanket?
well how about a wrestling match
i will tear your nuts off and sew them to your eyelids
and utgard-loki is like dude
you cant even lift my cat
im not gonna wrestle you
how about you wrestle my grandma instead
and thor is like bring it
i will beat her to death
i dont care how old she is
so utgard-loki sends in his grandma elli
and elli just fucking wrecks thor
like the more thor holds onto her
the less she moves
until she basically just triple body-slams him
puts him in a chokehold
and brutally tears off
what little is left of thor’s manhood and dignity
so thor goes to sleep feeling like shit
and so do loki and thialfi
but at least utgard-loki is nice enough to cook them breakfast
and then when they are leaving the city
and thor is all moping about how much he apparently sucks
utgard-loki is like hey dudes
let me tell you a secret
i totally pranked the shit out of all of you
see
skrymir was actually me
the first thing i did
was i put all your food in my bag
and then tied it with iron wire
so you couldn’t open it
then when you kept hitting my head
i used some tricky illusions
and made you beat the shit out of a nearby mountain instead
the dents are still there you should check it out
so then you guys got here
and i made loki have an eating contest with fire
and then thialfi had a footrace with thought
both of which were pretty fucking unfair
but funny as shit
then you started trying to prove yourself
and you nearly fucked up everything
everything in the entire world
see that horn i gave you
was directly connected
to the world’s oceans
do you realize you actually lowered the water level
dude do you realize how much water that was
we live in an iceworld
liquid water is a precious commodity
we need that shit back
anyway after that you tried to lift my cat
well guess what
my cat
was actually
THE MIDGARD SERPENT
THE SERPENT WHICH HOLDS UP THE EARTH
yeah and when you got one of the paws off the ground
you were actually stretching the shit out of the serpent
which is bad because like
as i just said
it holds up the earth
so that was almost a disaster
oh and elli was actually old age
so there’s that
basically i need you to get the fuck out of my city
and never come back
if you come back
i will be forced to prank you some more
and you will look like even more of a pussy than you are now
and it will not accomplish anything
so thor and loki and thialfi all go home
learning a valuable lesson
which is that if you fail at something
you probably actually succeeded
but then a giant evil wizard
made everyone think you failed

the end

Hey

so I liked that last myth SO MUCH
i am going to talk about norse dudes again
remember i was saying how thor is pretty much
the baddest motherfucker
you will ever lay eyes on
in fact if you ever laid eyes on him
he would probably walk up to you
and DESTROY YOUR EYES WITH HIS HAMMER
oh yeah basically thor’s hammer is the best thing
it is called mjolnir
and it was made like so:
so one day Loki
who is the god of being a needless prick
all the time
to everybody
one day he just sneaks up on this chick Sif
and cuts off all of her hair
like some fucking frat prank
just shaves her head
for absolutely no reason
now the problem with this
other than that it is a pretty shitty prank
is that Sif
is Thor’s wife
and thor fucking loves hair i guess
because he gets SO ANGRY
he chases down loki and is like hey
how about I remove you FACE
and loki is like no dont do that
i need my face
to make infuriating smirks with
when my shitty pranks are successful
and thor is like ok well
how about i just break every bone in your body
and loki is like shit
shit man
i need those
for like
making sure my skin and organs do not collapse
here check it out
how about instead
i have the dwarves make your wife some new hair
it will be made of GOLD
it will grow like NORMAL HAIR
it will be AWESOME
and thor is like shit
sounds pretty sweet
go nuts
so loki goes to these dwarves
called the sons of ivaldi
and is like hey guys i kind of promised thor
that you would make his wife the ultimate toupee
and the dwarves are like sure no problem
do you want us to make it out of gold
or DOUBLE-GOLD
you see
we are dwarves
we REALLY FUCKING LIKE GOLD
hey by the way im sorry if im being racist
but that is how dwarves are ok
some of my best friends are dwarves
i can say this shit
anyway loki is like well you know
regular gold is fine
and the dwarves are like ok ok
well how about we also make you a boat
called Skiblandir
which can fit all your friends
and all your treasure
and always has wind in the sails
and can be folded up
and put in your pocket when not in use
and how about we also make a spear
wait wait
an UNSTOPPABLE SPEAR
for Odin
and loki is like shit guys
all we ever did for you guys
was make four of you hold up this skull we found forever
and the dwarves are like yeah but those dwarves got cool names right
so anyway the dwarves make these things
and loki brings them all to the gods
glues the hair back on thor’s wife and shit
and then he gets this great fucking idea
which is hey
why dont i go back to the dwarves
and bet them that they can’t make 3 more treasures
even better than these treasures they already made
FOR FREE
hm what can i bet them
oh I know
I’ll bet them MY HEAD
so he goes and finds this dwarf Brokk
like from pokemon
and he makes this retarded deal
especially retarded considering that the dwarves
do not have to wager
ANYTHING
so they take the deal
and brokk gets his brother Eiti
and they go to the forge
and brokk pulls out this bigass boar skin
and he is like hey eiti
what i need you to do
is constantly operate that bellows over there
this is completely crucial
i cannot successfully fuck around with this boarskin
unless you are constantly manning that bellows
so eiti is like sure
and starts doin it
and time passes
and a bigass fly lands on his hand
and stings the shit out of it
but eiti does not care
he is going crazy with that bellows
and brokk makes what he was trying to make
he brings it to loki and is like
ok listen
we all love boars
but what would make a boar even better?
i’ll tell you what
GOLD
GOLD MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER
I AM A DWARF
I COVERED THIS FUCKING BOAR IN GOLD
ok look guys i am just telling the story
it is not fair to apply our modern conception of racism to a bygone past ok
i forget what the term for that is but dont do it
anyway they still need to make two more things
so Brokk decides to cut out the middle man
and just put some gold directly on his forge
and is like hey eiti
remember what you did with the boar
I want you to do that
just do exactly that
again
it is crucial
so eiti starts working the bellows and lo and behold
the same fucking fly shows up
only it lands on his NECK
and it bites him
it bites him SO HARD
this bite is harder than a furry at a petting zoo
is what i am saying
but eiti just toughs it out
and keeps on pumpin’
and brokk finishes the thing he was making
and brings it out to loki
and is like hey check it
this is a gold ring
i call it draupnir
but see the thing is
this is just one fucking gold ring
do you think that is enough gold
i dont think that is enough gold
so what i made it do is every ninth night
it shits out EIGHT IDENTICAL RINGS
there will be SO MANY RINGS
i can melt them down
for their gold
and use them to make more rings
that drop out more rings
loki do you realize
i have created infinite gold
infinigold
this is the dream of every dwarf
because we love gold so much
did you know we invented rings so we could fuck gold
ok ok hold on guys
if you have any dwarf friends
maybe you should just have them like
not read this myth
if they have read this far it is too late
we’re pretty much done with the gold part
and you have lost a friend
anyway now its time to make one more thing
and so brokk gets a bigass chunk of iron
and puts it on his forge
and looks at eiti and is like
you know what to do man
so eiti starts pumping that bellows
and he keeps doing that
and then this SAME
FUCKING
FLY
comes BACK
and lands on his FACE
and bites his EYELIDS
his EYELIDS
what kind of a vindictive asshole fly is this
holy shit
but you know what
eiti is such a badass
he just keeps on pumping
until blood from the gaping wounds this fly has inflicted
trickles down into his eye
and he takes one hand off the bellows
to wipe the blood out of his eye
and the bellows stops and everything is ruined
and brokk is like BITCH
i do not give a SHIT if you are screaming covered in blood and flies
you fucked up the hammer you asshole
because thats what he’s making is a hammer
its called mjolnir
and brokk is like fucking cockberries
i guess maybe i wont get loki’s head after all
well anyway lets go see what the gods think
and he bundles up all the shit and goes to asgard
and in asgard all the gods are like
HOLY DAMN
THIS SHIT IS AWESOME
YOU MADE A RING
THAT SHITS RINGS
THAT IS LIKE MAKING A BEAR THAT SHITS OTHER BEARS
BUT EXCEPT INSTEAD
IT SHITS AWESOME
DIRECTLY INTO OUR HANDS
oh also the boar is pretty nice
it could use more gold maybe
and then thor is like check out this hammer
it is so sweet it fucking hits anything i throw it at
no matter how far away that shit is
and then it always comes back to my hand
i mean the handle is a little bit short
but that is really the only problem with it
and guys
guys
do you REALIZE how many frost giants we can kill with this?
i’m gonna kill so many frost giants guys
this is the best norse christmas ever
and brokk is like damn right
looks like i won the bet loki
i need your head now
I am going to dip it in gold and then probably fuck it
thats what i do
because im a dwarf
ok look i lied when i said the gold part was over
if you had your dwarf friends just keep reading
because you thought there was gonna be no more stuff about gold
and dwarves fucking it
then i am really sorry man
but you need taller friends
so like anyway they get loki
and loki is like shit shit
why do my actions have consequences suddenly
and he just starts running
as fast as he can
he has shoes that can like
walk on water
AND air
making him like
double-jesus
but like i just said
thor has a hammer that can hit anything
all the time
and so he just kind of knocks loki out and brings him back
and brokk is like haha say goodbye to your skull bitch
and loki is like WAIT
you can have my head
thats fine
but i never promised you the neck it rests on
so you cant cut it off
HAH
and instead of just deciding to cut off loki’s head REEEEALY carefully
brokk is like fine
and just sews loki’s mouth shut
with an awl
which is a like bigass metal spike
and so loki can’t talk
which is probably the best thing for everybody
since all he does when he can talk is make shitty bets
so what we have learned today
is that dwarves give the best birthday gifts
so you should try and make up with your dwarf friends
no matter how short they are
or how bad they smell
or how much they keep eyeing your gold earrings
and licking their lips
god i fucking hate dwarves

The end