Category Archives: OLDE ENGLISH

Robin Hood Wears Guy of Gisborne Like a Suit

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10

Today’s myth was recommended to me a LOOOONG time ago
the last time I did a myth about sherwood forest’s bastard-in-residence
so if you have recommended me something and I haven’t done it
probably i am not ignoring you
probably it is buried deep in the REQUESTS folder of my email
and i will get to it some day
(also it helps if you send me a link to a primary source along with your request
because i am a wee bit too busy to do exhaustive research
every time someone is like “hey do more Lithuanian myths”)

Okay so the story I am going to tell you today is this story.
Yeah take a nice long look at that link
does that make sense to you?
it shouldn’t
that’s not fucking english my friends
that is FUCKED english
and to make matters worse the editor keeps writing snarky shit in the footnotes
basically being like “this other historian added words to make this catastrophe more readable
but I took them all out because i enjoy causing pain.”
seriously why are people so concerned with keeping shit like this accurate?
like, let’s say you bought a really juicy steak in nineteen-fifty-five
that steak is not going to be nearly as delicious today as it was fifty-eight years ago
if you hang onto that exact same steak
no one is going to applaud you on your historical accuracy
you are going to need to buy a new steak my friends
you cannot just keep using the same steak forever
this is a thing you learn when you start to live on your own

anyway let me break this linguistic traffic-jam down for you:

so Robin Hood and Little John are walking through the forest
(oodalally oodalally golly what a day)
and Robin Hood is bitching about this dream he had
where he got his ass beat by some yeomen
which are more or less like medieval gangsters
(but only because basically everyone in medieval times was gangsters)
and Robin Hood is so pissed off about getting whupped in his dreams
that he is trying to get Little John to help him find the guys from his dream
so he can go whup their asses irl
and little john
being a sensible young giant forest gangster
is like “dude, that dream that you had?
THAT WAS A DREAM
YOU DREAMED IT
are we going to need to discuss what dreams are again Robin
because this shit is tiresome”
and robin is like fine let me put it another way
wanna wander around and beat the shit out of dudes?
and Little John is like YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

so pretty soon they see a dude leaning against a tree
this dude is also a yeoman
everyone is a yeoman
you can tell by all the weapons they are always carrying
and little John is like “oh shit a dude
here robin, wait here while i find out if he is a good dude or a bad dude”
and Robin Hood is like yo fuck that
i don’t wait in the forest while my homies check out weird dudes
man if I was not worried about damaging my bow
I would use it to smack the green off and then back onto you
and little john is like fine
if you’re gonna be like that
I’m gonna walk to Barnsdale
then he just straight leaves.

So I guess barnsdale isn’t that far off
Little John gets there
but when he gets there he sees two of his bros dead in the dirt
and the sherriff’s dudes are running through trying to kill even more bros
and little john is like I better shoot some dudes
to give the bros time to escape
but when he goes to shoot one of the dudes his bow fucking BREAKS IN HALF
(arrow still totally goes through a dude’s face though)
and then he gets arrested
and tied to a tree

so let’s leave Little John’s part of the story for a while
cause he’s tied to a tree and that’s boring
and Robin Hood is doing some EXCITING SHIT
specifically he is checking out this yeoman who is in his woods
he goes up to this guy like “hey guy who are you?”
and the guy is like HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?
I mean uh … I am but a humble woodsman
looking for robin hood
so I can…
be best friends with Robin Hood!
and Robin Hood is like “That sounds lame
let’s shoot arrows at stuff instead”

so they set up some targets and start firing competitively
and Robin Hood is like “Oh sorry guy
you seem to have dropped something
I believe it is your ass
here let me just hand that back to you.”
except he says it with his archery and not his words
like a REAL MAN

so after a couple of hours of having his own ass presented to him in various ways
this mysterious yeoman is like DUDE
YOU ARE A PRETTY GREAT ARROW GUY
POSSIBLY EVEN BETTER THAN ROBIN HOOD
okay wait hold on dude
you are in a forest
actively LOOKING FOR ROBIN HOOD
when suddenly a dude appears
DRESSED ENTIRELY IN GREEN
this dude flatly REFUSES TO TELL YOU HIS NAME
and then BESTS YOU AT ARCHERY
what are you looking for
a fucking nametag or something?
jesus

anyway the guy asks Robin Hood to tell his name
and Robin is like You show me yours and I’ll show you mine
and the guy is like Very well
my name is
GUY OF GISBORNE
and Robin Hood is like okay that explains some things
I’m robin hood
and Guy is like GREAT!
COMMENCE THE STABBING!

so they stab pretty good for a while
until Robin finally stabs a little better
then he does the only sensible thing
which is to strip naked
dress Guy in his clothes
and then steal guy’s clothes and go find the sheriff
because apparently robin hood has been talking to the narrator of this ballad
and he knows all about Little John’s fuck-up

so Robin goes to the Sheriff and he’s like hey man
i totally killed Robin Hood like you told me to
you can tell I’m the same person you hired because I am wearing the same clothes
and the Sheriff is like YES WELL DONE
HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU
and Robin Hood is like oh don’t worry about it dude
all I want is the privelege of killing Little John too
and the Sheriff is like SWEET, FREE MURDERS
so Robin Hood goes over to little john
and all the sheriff’s men are crowding around
so he’s like uhh
I’m not just a murder guy, you know
I’m also a priest
this guy is going to confess to me before I murder him, so stand back
and everybody stands back because christianity has some weird rules
and then robin frees little john and little john shoots the sheriff in the heart.

Okay so the moral of the story
is that dreams really are bullshit
because seriously
what did that have to do with the rest of the story

the end.

If Your Last Name is Lambton, I Pity You

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Okay!
So!
There’s this dude named Lambton
he comes from a long line of dudes who are named that
and some of those dudes were/are pretty rich
but this particular Lambton is just a regular dude, mostly
he likes to go fishing and yell obscenities
two fitting and proper things for a young man to do
and one day he is doing both of these things simultaneously
when he gets a nibble on his line
and reels in
A REALLY FUCKED-UP LOOKING WORM
so he’s like “ew, gross” and throws it in a well
and then a mysterious stranger comes along like “oh no
it looks like that worm in that well has nine mouths!”
and Lambton is like “Eh, whatever.”

FLASH FORWARD SEVERAL YEARS
Lambton has grown to regret his days of fishin’ and swearin’
and has joined the crusades to make up for his grievous crimes
by killing a bunch of dudes in a foreign country
which means he is miles away from his home town
when the worm he caught suddenly becomes FUCKING MASSIVE
seeing as there are no predators to worry about in the well
and it starts terrorizing the countryside
eating houses and sucking on cow tits
and the only way anyone is able to keep the worm happy
is by offering up a whole assload of milk every day
and if they don’t
it throws a tantrum
and i don’t know if you’ve ever seen the kind of tantrum a worm with 9 mouths can throw
but I know for sure that I haven’t
and also that I do not want to.

So finally Lambton gets back from the crusades
only to find that his hometown has become an UNHOLY CTHONIAN NIGHTMARE VILLAGE
and he’s like “well, I just spent several years swording people
it shouldn’t be too big of a jump for me to start swording worms
but still, I better ask some bullshit oracles for advice.”
So he goes and hits up an oracle
and the oracle is like “okay yo check it
you will totally kill the worm
but then you have to immediately sacrifice the very first living thing you see
or else the next nine generations of dudes in your family will NEVER DIE IN THEIR BEDS”

okay
freeze frame
that does not sound like a bad thing to me
if I was assured that I would never die in my bed
I would just spend 100% of my time
sleeping and getting laid
FOR ALL ETERNITY
I mean if the curse was something like
“the next nine generations of your family will never die EXCEPT BY PROLONGED RECTAL CANCER”
that would seem like a bad thing to me
I mean that’s a curse you can really get behind, so to speak
ha HA!
ANYWAY

so Lambton hears this curse
and he comes up with a pretty solid plan for avoiding it
see, he goes to his dad
and he’s like “When I kill the worm, I will blow my hunting horn 3 times
and then you gotta release my favorite hunting dog
and she will come running over to me
and then I will kill her
it will be pretty sad
but it is better than suddenly running into a hot chick
and having to stab her or be cursed
I hate when that happens.”
and armed with this solid plan
and also a sword
and a suit of armor made entirely out of spears
Lambton heads over to the worm’s crib

So the worm is all up on Lambton before you can say “oh god there’s a worm all over my body”
but Lambton is giving no fucks
because his spear armor is carving that bitch UP
but the worm is managing to give even LESS fucks
because every time a spearpoint chops it in half, it just puts itself back together
my friends
this worm is giving less fucks
than there are chunks of its mutilated body writhing around
but Lambton just keeps on truckin
and finally he manages to chop that worm in half so hard
that it is forced to give at least a few fucks
and those fucks
ARE ITS LAST

So Lambton is pretty jazzed
and he blows his horn to have his dad release the hound
but when his dad hears the horn
he is SO EXCITED TO HEAR THAT HIS SON IS ALIVE
that he completely forgets everything that they have arranged
and just comes running into the clearing himself
and then Lambton is like “fuck
so either I can kill my dad
or curse my family for nine generations?
great job, DAD”
then he calls his dog and kills that
basically for no reason other than to relieve the stress
generated by the fact that now his family is super cursed
hooray!

So the moral of the story
is that there is at least one scenario
where it would probably be okay
to stab your dad.

The end.

TWO PRINCESSES GET TRIPLE HEAD XXX

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11

So I lied

today is going to be another story you’ve probably never heard
BECAUSE IT IS RAD AND FUCK YOU

so there’s this king
his treasury is getting a little low
but kings don’t know how to hold down steady jobs
so the only way he can think of to make more money
is to marry a rich chick
so he goes out and he finds a chick who is SO RICH
that her riches have actually SUCKED ALL THE PRETTY OUT OF HER BODY
and then tripled the size of her bitch gland
and then she got old

so no one can figure out why the king is doing this
even though she’s OBVIOUSLY loaded
but he does it
because he is NOT going to get a job or raise taxes.
this is known as “taking one for the team”
when you think about it
a king is kind of like a wingman but for an entire country
don’t think about it too hard, though

anyway, this ugly chick has an ugly daughter
and both of them suck
and they convince the king to start hating his REAL daughter
who is so attractive
that you canNOT bounce a quarter off her ass
because it would get STUCK
and this mega hot princess is super fed up with suddenly having people not like her
she is used to being able to just float across rooms
on the air cushion displaced by a thousand boners popping at once
this whole “people not liking her” thing is totally not cool
so she’s like fuck this
I’m leaving
hey dad
I’m running away from home
can I have some traveling supplies?
and her dad is like SURE, HONEY
TAKE THIS STALE BREAD AND THIS CHEESE AND THIS BOTTLE OF BEER
I AM YOUR FATHER
AND YOU ARE A GREAT DAUGHTER
BUT I HAVE TO HATE YOU NOW BECAUSE STEPMOTHERS
THAT IS HOW THESE STORIES WORK

so she takes this sack of what is essentially garbage
and she starts walking
looking for hot dudes to bone
and pretty soon she runs up on the least hot dude of all
some old guy sitting in front of his gross smelly cave
and he’s like hey gurl
what you gonna do with all that junk
all that junk inside your sack
and she’s like I’ma get get get get you drunk
provided you can get drunk off one beer and some cheese
and the old man is like WELL I’M WILLING TO TRY

so he drinks all her beer
and eats most of her food
and she doesn’t say anything because this is kind of awkward
and then he’s like wow
thanks for all that food
here, have this wand
yeah I’m a cave-hobo with a wand
WHAT OF IT?!
Look, this wand is great
you can use it to totally dispell this huge thorn bush up ahead
and then after that you will arrive at a well
and you should go sit on it
and then do WHATEVER ANYONE TELLS YOU TO DO
NO MATTER HOW WEIRD IT SOUNDS

guys
this just sounds like a really convoluted way
of setting this volcanically hot princess up for a routine cave-hobo gangbang
but people in fairytales are routinely rewarded for making terrible decisions
so i guess I understand why the princess goes along with this.
she just rolls up to those hedges
busts them open with her wand
goes up to the well and is like alright, what now

HERE IS WHAT NOW:
A DISEMBODIED HEAD
yep. a disembodied head made out of gold comes floating out of the well
singing
like
pick me up, princess, and comb my hair
then set me out to dry on that grass over there
I’ll be so pretty, with my body eschewed
Man, I’ma scare the shit out of so many dudes
seriously
it’s gonna be great
and the princess is like SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN
so she styles the fuck out of this disembodied headhair
and then lays it out all nice to dry
and a SECOND head busts out of the well
and does the EXACT SAME THING
and then a THIRD HEAD comes out and does THE EXACT SAME THING
the shock value is kinda gone at this point
you would think they would try and coordinate their demands a little
but nope
all they want
is for their creepy well-drenched hair to be IMPECCABLE

so after the princess has styled them all the way up
they are like THANKS, LADY
OKAY GUYS
HOW SHOULD WE REWARD HER FOR THIS?
OH OH
HOW ABOUT WE WEIRD THE SHIT OUT OF HER
yep, that’s what they do
they start weirding her
but if you think about it
what else are a trio of gold-plated fashion-forward heads that live in a well gonna do to you?
so the first one weirds her so that her hotness is now representable only in irrational numbers
like 6.ennui and craaaaaazy seven
the second one weirds her voice so that it is like she is shooting naked ladies out of her mouth
but with less concussions and 6.ennui percent more arousal
and the third one weirds her future so that it includes a marriage to the BADDEST KING IN THE LAND
(bad like as in good, though)

so the princess is like thanks guys
and she keeps walking
and immediately she runs up on some random king in the woods
what have I told you about woods
they are lousy with kings
and at this point this princess is SO ATTRACTIVE
that the horse’s horseshoes shoot off of its feet and directly onto her tits
and then her magma hotness melts them into fluid
and they drizzle down her body terminator style
into a mold of the most IRON-HARD ERECTION EVER
which is located in the king’s pants
and he’s like hey
let’s get married
and she’s like okay!
and then they get married IMMEDIATELY
this king was out hunting by the way
apparently for BOOTAY

so then the princess goes to visit her dad
basically to be like haha dad despite your best efforts I got totally married
and her dad is like AWESOME, I LIKE YOU BETTER NOW
and the ugly stepmother’s ugly daughter is like PSH WHATEVER
I BET I COULD GET MARRIED TO TWICE AS MANY HOT DUDES AS MY MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE STEPSISTER
so she gets herself hooked up with some swanky dresses
and some dope food
and a whooooole bottle of wine
and she sets off along the same road that lead her sister to marriageville
and she runs up on the same cave-hobo
who is like hey uh…
ma’am?
got any food for a cave hobo?
and she’s like I’VE GOT FOOD, BUT IT IS NOT FOR YOU
and he’s like well fuck you then
and she goes on her way
and she comes up on these thick thornbushes
and she’s like OOH I THINK I SEE AN OPENING
but it is not an opening
what she thought was an opening was apparently just MORE THORNS
she gets so ruined by these thorns that by the time she gets out she is bleeding EVERYWHERE
probably she’s no less attractive though
this is one of the pros of being ugly

so now she’s at the well
and the heads start showing up
like HEY COMB OUR HAIR
and she’s like HOW ABOUT I COMB YOUR HEADS
WITH THIS BOTTLE OF WINE
AND BY COMB I MEAN BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF
so she starts concussing them and getting hammered at the same time
and then when she’s done
the three heads are like oh boy
let’s weird this chick something FIERCE
so the first one weirds her to have a big splotchy face
and the second one weirds her to have a voice like a Rafi album going down a trash compactor
and the third one weirds her so that she will be happy to be married to a cobbler
dude, I would be happy to get married to a cobbler
no one would have to weird me or anything
free shoes.

But anyway, the sister is like BLAH BLAH WHATEVER GUYS
and she heads out and she goes into a village
and all the children start running away from her
because she has passed the tipping point of ugliness
where it goes from something that people politely avoid staring at
to something people avoid staring at BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE
people are throwing up barricades left and right and also their stomach contents
it is a disaster
and she can’t even calm them down by talking to them
because her voice is like if butts were a sound
and not cute butts
gross butts
gross oily butts

but luckily this town has a cobbler
and this cobbler recently got ripped off by a hermit
who couldn’t pay for his shoes with money,
and so instead paid for them with homeopathic remedies for ugliness
so basically just like
a family-size bucket of concealer
like for her whole face
and also one of those voice modulator things that they give to smokers
that make you sound like a badass robot
and he sees this ugly ugly ugly chick in these nice clothes
and he’s like hey gurl
I will fix all your ugly if you marry me
and she’s like OKAY WHATEVER
SOLD
and they get married
and they go back to the king
and his ugly wife is so embarassed that she kills herself
and the king is like NICE
NOW I GET ALL HER MONEY AND I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER
GREAT JOB, COBBLER
HERE’S A HUNDRED BUCKS
GO ENJOY YOUR GROSS WIFE
and he does
and the two of them get along very well
and everyone else is either happy or dead

So the moral of the story
is that the only thing worse than being ugly
is being poor.

THE END.

The Miller is one Drunk Motherfucker

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This is what happens when I get an extra day off, guys
I have time to read ten pages of middle fucking english
and bring you this:
enjoy

Okay so first off, a little backstory
there’s all these dudes and they are riding horses and shit
they are in england and they are trying to get to canterbury
cause that is where the party is at
or where the cathedral is at
or some kind of sacred statue at least
look WHATEVER
the point is there are a bunch of dudes and chicks on horses
and they get pretty bored because horses are slow
so this one guy
who is an inkeeper normally
is like GUYS
GUYS
making people less bored is what I DO
here’s the plan:
we’re gonna have a storytelling contest
and whoever tells the raddest story is going to get $$$$$$$$
so first up let’s hear a story from THIS KNIGHT I FOUND
and the knight is like SHIT YEAH BITCHES
and he tells a story
and maybe I will tell you that story some time
because it is pretty good in its own (boring boring) way
but for now we’ve got bigger fish to fry
cause see
after the knight finishes telling his story
the innkeeper is like GREAT STORY BRO
MAN
I WAS MOVED TO TEARS
OKAY UP NEXT LET’S HEAR A STORY FROM THIS NOBLE MONK OVER HERE
but that’s when shit goes haywire
cause there’s this miller riding with them
and he is TRASHED
it’s like 2PM and this guy is like falling off his horse
and he’s like HEY
INKEEPER
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU
SEEMS TO ME
YOU’RE JUST PICKING ALL THE RICH FANCY POPULAR DUDES
TO TELL ALL THEIR RICH FANCY POPULAR TALES
AND I MAY BE DRUNK
BUT I’M SURE AS HELL NOT FANCY OR POPULAR
SO GATHER ROUND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
ABOUT BUTTS
and the Innkeeper is like whoa now
slow your roll there drunky mcdrunkenpants
and the Miller is like IF I’M SO DRUNK HOW COME YOU DON’T LOOK FUCKABLE YET
THERE ARE TWO POSSIBLE REASONS FOR THIS
REASON ONE: I’M NOT DRUNK
IN WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD LET ME TELL MY STORY
REASON TWO: YOU’RE JUST REAAAAAAALLY UGLY
AND NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE ORDERS FROM UGLY PEOPLE
SO I SHOULD STILL TELL MY STORY
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
HERE IS MY STORY ABOUT BUTTS AND SEX AND CARPENTERS

now guys
before we begin this story
let me just remind you
that I am only a storyteller here
not even a full-on storyteller
a story RE-teller
so whatever the miller is about to say
it’s totally not my responsibility
this is his drunk-ass talking
filtered through the horndog sensibilites of Geoffrey Chaucer
and I will not hear any complaints
or god help me I am turning this myth around and we are going home

(I’m going to put this all in quotation marks so yall don’t forget)

” Okay so there’s this carpenter
his name is John
he’s a big jerk and also dumb
also old and gross
but he runs a pretty sweet motel
and also he has a REALLY HOT WIFE
guys
GUYS
his wife is so hot
I would eat pudding off her ass
STRAIGHT UP I WOULD
DON’T TEST ME
FIND ME AN ASS I WOULDN’T EAT PUDDING OFF OF
AND I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT ASS WILL HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON THE ASS OF THIS WOMAN IN THE STORY I AM TELLING
her name is Allison by the way
and she has a nasty habit of eyefucking the SHIT
out of every man, woman and child in the vicinity
and what the fuck is this old guy doing getting married to this fine piece of ass?
can you spell Gold-digger?
cause I can’t
I’m way too drunk and I think I just pooped a little

SO ANYWAY
there’s also this dude living in the motel
his name is Nicholas
“Handy” Nicholas
“Handy” as in “Handy-man”
like the handy-men that are in all those pornos
he’s a scholar
A SCHOLAR OF POON, THAT IS
but also a regular scholar
he’s a pretty smart dude

so ONE DAY
while John the carpenter is out buying wood or something
Handy Nicholas just walks right up to Allison
grabs her on the vag
and is like hey baby howsabout you and me conjugate sexwise
if you know what I mean
and Allison is like WAIT NO
I’VE GOT A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
also I’m not entirely sure what you mean by conjugate sexwise
and Nicholas is like well that’s all well and good
but I notice you have yet to remove my hand from your vagina
and Allison is like truuuuuuuue
then they bang

but halfway through banging Allison is like WAIT
I STILL HAVE A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT
and Nicholas is like cool it baby
what kind of poon scholar would I be
if I couldn’t outwit some dumbass carpenter?
look I have a plan
and step one of that plan
is for you to stop blueing my balls
and back that ass up
SEXWISE

so when John gets home
he finds that Handsy Nicholas has locked himself in his own room
along with his Titstrolabe and his Poon Sextant
and proceeds to just sit in there
FOR DAYS
gawping at the ceiling
until John finally freaks the fuck out
because shit man
he doesn’t want another dead body in his motel
so he has his house dude bust down the door
and then Nicholas is like JOHN
THANK GOD YOU’VE ARRIVED
I’VE HAD A VISION
A VISION
FROM GODDDDDDD
but listen dude
you can’t tell ANYONE ELSE about this vision
this is a you and me only vision
SO OKAY
VISION TIME
GET READY
alright so you’ve heard about Noah, right?
what if I told you
you were about to star in NOAH 2:
TURBO EDITION
and John is like holy shit YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
and Nicholas is like okay guy
here’s what I need you to do
I need you to go out and buy three feed tubs
like for feed
for animals
and I want you to hang them from your ceiling by ropes
and I want you to stuff them full of delicious food
and then you and me and your wife will lie in the feed tubs
and you have to lie as far away from your wife as possible
because god doesn’t want your dick anywhere near her puddinglicious ass
during the storm, I mean
you can thwap all over that shit later
MAYBE
but anyway yeah
then get an axe so you can cut all the ropes when I give the signal
and we will all drop into the water
and float away to safety
and everyone else will DROWN and DIE
and then we’ll all be floating on top of the water
and I’ll be like HEY JOHN IT’S GREAT TO BE ALIVE, HUH?
and you’ll be like HEY NICHOLAS
I CAN TOTALLY SEE YOUR FACE BECAUSE IT IS DAY TIME AND THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF
sound good?
and the Carpenter is like THAT SOUNDS GREAT AND ALSO TOTALLY BELIEVABLE
carpenters: SOOOOO DUMB AM I RIGHT

so John goes around and sets up all this dumb stuff that is super dumb
and then that night he and his wife and Nicholas all climb into the tubs
like GOODNIGHT GUYS
LET’S ALL PRAY BECAUSE THIS IS A REAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING
and then while John is praying
Allison and Nicholas climb out of the tubs
sneak inside
and FUUUUUUUUUCK

but guys
guys
this is where it gets REALLY GREAT
cause there’s this other scholar dude
his name is Absalon
and this asshole thinks he’s SO DAMN PRETTY
you know the type
he’s the guy with the van halen hair
and he plays guitar
and every time a religious holiday rolls around
he is the dude carrying the censer
which is a big mace full of incense
that he uses to go into hot chick’s houses
and bathe them with sweet-smelling smoke
seriously
this guy had to join the church to come up with an excuse to fondle women
how fucked up is that?
also
he is CONSTANTLY going into bars
and playing his fucking guitar to try and get with the waitresses
and despite that
he’s a real squeamish dude
who is TERRIFIED of farts
man I bet THAT won’t come into play at all right?

but so obviously Absalon is hot on Allison
and when he hears a rumor circulating around town
that no one has seen John all day
(cause john is in his shed building his dumbass contraption)
and he’s like SWEET
NOW’S MY CHANCE
so he waits til like 5AM
and he goes over to Allison’s window
and he starts serenading the FUCK out of that window
and Allison goes over to the window like FUCK BALLS WHAT DO YOU WANT
and Absalon is like I WANT YOUR BODY ALL OVER MY BODY
and Allison is like EW NO
I DON’T WANT YOUR VAN-HALEN-LOOKIN’ ASS ANYWHERE NEAR MY ASS
HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN MY ASS
PEOPLE HAVE OFFERED TO PAY ME MONEY
TO EAT PUDDING OFF OF IT
PUDDING, OK
and Absalon is like OKAY FINE
WELL CAN I AT LEAST GET A KISS?
and Allison is like WILL YOU GO THE FUCK HOME?
and Absalon is like OK SURE
so he busts out a ladder he brought specifically for this purpose
and he climbs up to the window
and it’s really dark, you gotta understand
so he gets up there and he puckers his lips
and Allison proceeds to stick her ASS out the window
and Absalon starts making out with her pungent hole
and then he’s like hey wait a second
women don’t have … beards
AW SHIT
and Allison is like TEE HEE
and then slams the window in his face
and goes back to banging Nicholas

so now Absalon is FURIOUS
like, real furious
this is dangerous
this is a dangerous game now
he’s ready to KILL someone
or at least seriously maim them
cause see what he does
is he goes over to this blacksmith’s place, right
and the blacksmith is like yo Absalon
what’s your van-halen-lookin’ ass doing in here at 5 o’clock in the damn morning?
and Absalon is like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
LET ME BORROW YOUR RED HOT IRON REAL QUICK
and then he just grabs that shit and runs out of the store
and he goes back to Allison’s window
and he’s like HEY
HEY
OPEN THE FUCK UP
I BROUGHT YOU MY GRANDMA’S RING
I WILL TRADE IT WITH YOUR TAWDRY SELF IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE KISSES
and this time it’s Nicholas who hears him
cause see he just got up to take a piss
so he makes his voice all high and he goes like COMING, HONEY
and he goes over to the window
and he sticks his narrow scholar ass out the window
and Absolon climbs all the way up there
and Nicholas rips the NASTIEST FUCKING FART
like BLURRRTTTTTTTTTTTTT
and Absolon is almost blown off the damn ladder
[THIS IS LITERATURE GUYS. THIS IS FUCKING LITERATURE]
but he’s got his red hot iron ready this time
and he just jabs Handsy Nick right in his flapping asshole
and Nick’s taint catches on fire
and he runs into the house like WATER
WATER
HOLY SHIT
WATER
and John
who is still in the shed waiting for judgement day
hears Nick yelling and is like WATER?
HOLY SHIT THE FLOOD HAS COME
and he takes the axe
and severs the ropes
and plummets to the floor and breaks his arm
and the whole town shows up
and Nicholas is like hey guys
look at dumbass John the Carpenter
he thought there was going to be some kind of biblical flood
he was trying to make me and his wife go along with it
but luckily we were too busy banging or WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED
and everyone makes fun of john forever
although I think he still stays married to Allison
so I don’t know what Nicholas got out of this whole thing
other than a scorched asshole

but uh, okay
so the moral of the story?
well the moral of the story is that hot chicks make terrible wives
and scholars make terrible friends
so maybe you’re better off just being gay
because at least then it’s not a TOTAL loss
if you find yourself making out with some dude’s asshole at 5:00 in the morning

THE END.“

Tam Lin is Really Good at Rape?

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7

it’s been a while since anyone got raped on this website huh?
I mean I already did most of the good zeus myths
and apollo couldn’t get his dick through a football goalpost
granted those are pretty high off the ground
but he can FLY for fuck’s sake
NO EXCUSES

so with that in mind
today’s myth comes recommended by a couple of people
they are the hivemind known as LAYZARR “TERROR TARTAR” FISTBUMP
and this is their story:

so there’s this dude Tam Lin right
he hangs out in the forest near this castle
and the king of the castle is like HEY ALL THE LADIES
DON’T GO IN THAT FOREST
IF YOU GO INTO THAT FOREST ONE OF TWO THINGS IS GOING TO HAPPEN:
1: TAM LIN WILL STEAL YOUR SHAWL
or 2: TAM LIN WILL RAPE THE HELL OUT OF YOU
so yeah
why the fuck would you even go into the forest anyway
all they got is trees and bearshit
oh yeah and shawl-stealing rapists

but the king has this daughter Janet
(SLUT!)
and she is like no way dad you’re not the boss of me
I’m gonna go into that forest
and I am going to thwart tam lin by stuffing my shawl up my kilt
HOW YOU GONNA STEAL MY SHAWL NOW TAM LIN HUH?
here’s a thought Janet
MAYBE HE WILL STEAL IT BY RAPING YOU
(as a side note
the ballad as written says that janet “kilts” the shawl
that alone makes me want to wear a kilt
just so i can kilt things)
i mean here’s what I don’t get
you’re going into the woods
knowing full well that there is a dude there who will steal your shawl
and if he can’t find the shawl he is going to rape you instead
so your brilliant defensive strategy is to HIDE THE SHAWL RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR VAG
thus virtually assuring hours and hours of molesting action
oh nevermind
i totally get it now

so janet goes into the forest and starts wantonly murdering roses
and KAZAAM
here comes Tam Lin like NAWW BITCH
TAKE YO HANDS OFF THOSE FLOWERS
and Janet is like fuck you I do what I want
and Tam Lin is like that’s funny so do i

CUT TO THE PALACE
so Janet comes home with a basket full of roses and a kilt full of rape
and the king is like OH NO DAUGHTER YOU’RE PREGNANT
and Janet is like FUCK DAD HOW DID YOU KNOW
I knew I shouldn’t have gotten you that pregnancy radar for your birthday
and the king is like DAMMIT JANET
THAT’S A SIN
and Janet’s like no dad it’s fine
I’ll just get an abortion
and the king is like oh ok cool
and Janet is like time to go pick some abortion plants
but where might i find such plants
oh I know
how about in the forest haunted by a dude who rapes you every time you pick plants
HEAVEN FORBID
sorry dad looks like it’s the only way
seriously I’m pretty sure this was the inspiration for the rocky horror picture show

so Janet goes back into the forest
making sure to kilt the hell out of her shawl of course
and she starts picking morning-after glories and coathanger weeds or whatever
and here comes Tam Lin like SHAZAAM
BITCH I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL
PUT DOWN THAT COATHANGER WEED
and Janet’s like chill out dude
I just wanted to get your attention and your cell phone was dead
so who the fuck are you anyway?
and Tam Lin is like welp
basically I am this knight or something
but then faeries kidnapped me
and it’s been pretty sweet
except that tomorrow is halloween and that means they’re gonna kill me for no reason
and Janet is like FUCK
HOW DISTRESSING/CONVENIENT
HOW CAN WE SOLVE THIS SO WE CAN BANG MORE?
and Tam Lin is like well basically
tomorrow night we are all gonna ride by on horses
you gotta grab me off my horse
then they are gonna turn me into some real dangerous shit
like a lion and some hot pans and stuff
then they are gonna run out of ideas and turn me into a naked dude
and Janet is like oh baby I can live with that
let’s DO IT
so they do it
then the next day they execute the plan
FLAWLESSLY
then they do it some more
and the faerie queen is like DAMMIT TAM LIN
IF I’D KNOWN YOU WERE PLANNING TO NOT GET MURDERED BY ME
I WOULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR EYES AND REPLACED THEM WITH TREES
YOU HEAR ME?
TREEEE EYESSSSSSSS
but Tam Lin cannot hear her over the sound of Janet’s tongue in his ear

so the moral of the story
is that being a slut is pretty much awesome

THE END

Beowulf Can Kick An Ass So Hard It Flies Into Orbit At Such High Speeds That It Turns Back Time To A Point Just Before It Was Kicked and Then Beowulf Kicks it Again

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10

So Beowulf has now officially killed two monsters
in about four days
what does this call for my friends?
it calls for a PARTY
and not just any party
a PAR
TAY
prized among party connoisseurs
as the hardiest of parties
guys
this party could not get any hardier
if it was a band of battle-hardened veterans
crawling through the thick underbrush
of shindig central
hell bent on capturing the rich hootenany reserves
of soiree city
these dudes are drinking mead
out of the skulls of other dudes
who died of alcohol poisoning
EARLIER IN THE PARTY

so Hrothgar gets shithouse wasted
and makes this long-ass speech
like HEY BEOWULF
YOU SHOULD ESCHEW MATERIAL REWARDS
IN FAVOR OF SPIRITUAL REWARDS
BY THE WAY I’MA HOOK YOU UP WITH TWELVE KINDS OF TREASURE TOMORROW
MAYBE ALSO SOME WHORES
I’M GONNA GO VOMIT INTO MY WIFE’S MOUTH AND THEN FALL ASLEEP

so then beowulf goes home
back to the home of the geats
appropriately called geatland
and the king Hygelac
is like BEOWULF MY MAN WHATS GOOD
ARE YOU READY TO PARTY
and Beowulf is like I’m pretty sure I still have a liver
BRING IT ON
oh by the way
i hear you’re about to marry off one of your kids
to some dudes called the Heathobards
to make peace with them or some shit
GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE
NOT GONNA WORK
because as i recall
you guys have been murdering each other for YEARS
and stealing each other’s priceless heirlooms
which everyone insists on wearing TO THE WEDDING
and that is going to be TOTALLY TACKY
QUICK WEATHER FORECAST HYGELAC
PARTLY CLOUDY
WITH CHANCE OF PREMARITAL BLOODBATH
OH IS THAT MORE MEAD DON’T MIND IF I DO

so then Beowulf proceeds to tell us a bunch of shit we already know
about grendel
and grendel’s mom
because apparently they didn’t have hyperlinks back then
and everyone in geatland talks about how great he is
then Hygelac gives him a ton of presents
and later he dies and beowulf becomes king for fifty years
pretty sweet being a hero
not gonna lie

CUT TO 300 YEARS AGO
This dude right
he has a whole bunch of treasure
but OH NO
HE’S ABOUT TO DIE
so he is like
I spent my whole life
systematically denying people access to this treasure
WHY STOP NOW
and he buries it all
and then dies on it
maybe he died fucking it
it is not clear whether or not he is a dwarf

anyway then later a dragon finds it
and is like TREASURE?!
COUNT ME IN
what is it with dragons and treasure
treasure is basically good for 2 things:
buying shit
and christmas gifts
dragons cannot buy things
as they do not have thumbs
and I have yet to meet a dragon that celebrates christmas
they are more into the winter solstice
fucking new-agey wiccan dragons

CUT TO THE PRESENT
some stupidass thief
sneaks into the dragon’s lair
and steals
like
a gold codpiece or some shit
maybe it even has some of the original owner’s congealed semen in it
again
this all depends on whether the original owner was a dwarf
but REGARDLESS
the dragon realizes this shit is gone
and is like OH NO YOU DIDN’T
THAT’S IT
EVERYBODY DIES
and just starts flying all the fuck over everywhere
setting shit on fire

now this would be fine
dragons setting shit on fire is kind of par for the course in old europe
but one of the things this dragon sets on fire
is BEOWULF’S MEADHALL
and beowulf (now like 80 years old)
is left standing in the wreckage (his skin is fire-retardant, remember)
like fuck
where am i supposed to party now?
THAT’S IT
EVERYBODY DIES

so beowulf gathers all his dudes
and he puts on his armor
and he rides to the dragon’s lair
and he is like guys
a few years ago
I had a renowned craftsman
build me a sundial
so that I would always know what time it is
but just this morning
in fact
around the same time that dragon set my shit on fire
the sundial seems to have broken
because all day
it has been stuck at MURDER O’CLOCK
I’M BOUT TO MURDER THIS DRAGON DON’T EVEN DOUBT IT
but first let me bore you with some tales from my childhood
OKAY TIME’S UP COMMENCE KILLING

so beowulf sprints towards the dragon’s lair
wearing some chainmail and wielding a sword
and the dragon pops out like SUPPPPPPP
and beowulf is like WHAT’S GOOOOOOOOD
and they start wrestling
I REPEAT
80-YEAR-OLD MAN
WRESTLES
DRAGON
but when Beowulf tries to stab the dragon in the neck
his sword breaks
and the dragon takes a fat bite out of his neck
and he is like GUYS
HELP?
but all his guys are too busy shitting themselves with endless terror
all his guys that is
except for this dude Wiglaf
who is like COME ON YOU FUCKING PUSSIES
and then stabs the dragon in the stomach
which gives beowulf the time he needs
to eviscerate it with his fucking pocketknife
sweet

but all is not well
because it turns out the dragon’s teeth are POISON
so Beowulf is right in the middle of being victorious and shit
when all of a sudden he’s like oh damn
guess i’m gonna die after all
and falls down
and Wiglaf is like BALLS
WHAT DO I DO
and beowulf is like naw dude…
it’s cool…
just bring me …
some sweet treasure…
and set me on fire …
and tell everybody …
what a sweet dude…
i was …
and then he dies
and geatland is probably about to get invaded from all sides
a bukakke shotgun spray of conquest
but it’s okay
becuase beowulf’s funeral is totally sweet

so the moral of this story
is that all of the greatest heroic acts
are performed by dudes
motivated solely
by the desire
to party

The end.

Beowulf is the product of a genetic experiment to breed the baddest ass possible (Part 2!)

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6

Sorry guys
I just spent the last 48 hours
ceaselessly writing graduate school apps
actually i mentioned this blog in my apps
so if you guys could go ahead and post comments
about what a great writer I am
that would be great

anyway beowulf did not get finished being a badass in the last myth
so let’s get back to business
so grendel is dead apparently
because of blood loss from a SEVERED FUCKING ARM
but surprisingly
grendel has a mother
named
creatively enough
grendel’s mother
and she is PISSED
so no sooner has everyone finished partying
(and you have to understand
this has got to be
the party to end all parties
seeing as these dudes have been getting their party on
under threat of murder
for twelve years
and suddenly they ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE)
grendel’s mom comes dervishing into the middle of this human sleepfest
like a hurricane of sexy rage
and just starts hatefucking a bloody canyon through the dudes on display
until they all wake up like SHIT MAYBE WE SHOULD USE VIOLENCE
and grendel’s mom is like FUCK I HATE VIOLENCE
and just gets the fuck out of there
with a dead body and grendel’s arm

so where is beowulf during all of this?
he’s in some sweet private room Hrothgar hooked him up with
so he conveniently fails to pop out and remove grendel’s mom’s skin
and only even learns what the fuck is going on
once she has escaped

so obviously beowulf is pretty pissed about this
Hrothgar hits him up like hey dude
i know you already done killed grendel and everything
but could you take some time out of your busy boozing schedule
to murder his mom
and beowulf is like THAT BITCH STOLE MY TROPHY ARM
I AM ON THIS SHIT LIKE BEES ON AN UNFORTUNATE BEAR
(yeah that’s right i’ve been commissioned to mention bees
at least once per post
until this myth is finished)

so there are some complications obviously
one
is that grendel’s mom
apparently lives in a FLAMMABLE SWAMP
another is that no man has ever reached the bottom of it alive
and guess where grendel’s mom lives
yeah
so beowulf cops a sweet sword off one of Hrothgar’s dudes
and then he brings all his homies to the swamp
and he is like dudes
i might die right now
but you know what
whatever
and then he dives into the water
and swims for roughly twenty four hours
and eventually arrives at the bottom of the lake
at which point grendel’s mom jumps out like BLUH
and starts trying to murder him

so luckily beowulf also jacked some sweet armor form Hrothgar
so grendel’s mom does not immediately crush him
but then he starts trying to chop off her limbs
and just STAYS FAILING
that is
until he finds an even bigger sword on the wall
and decapitates her with it
and then
apparently unsatisfied with the current level of decapitation
also finds grendel’s corpse floating around in there
and decapitates that too
which is actually a pretty bad plan
because grendel’s blood is HYDROCHLORIC ACID
the sword immediately dissolves
but that does not discourage beowulf
from stealing his severed head
and swimming for another solid day to get back up to the surface

meanwhile
all the dudes on the surface wait for like a day
and then see a veritable assload of blood
and are like oh
guess beowulf is dead huh
we should go home
but the geats
(beowulf’s dudes)
are like no way man
that’s gotta be someone else’s blood
beowulf bleeds fire and bullets so that couldn’t be his blood
and what do you know
2 days later THEY ARE RIGHT
beowulf shows up with a severed head and a melted sword like sup
did you miss me
i didn’t miss you
i was too busy killing

STAY TUNED FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS VIOLENCE ORGY TOMORROW

Beowulf Eats Napalm and Shits Asses, Which He Kicks (Part 1)

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20

(i fixed the music upload so it’s the whole song now
and not just an infernal cocktease)

Man what the fuck Beowulf
this guy
this guy we are about to be talking about
is one of the few legendary heroes
who actually has sufficient ball mass
to back up all the guff he is dishing out
faster than free samples outside a fucking smoothie joint
(see also: hercules)
let me show you what I mean

so our story begins with this dude Hrothgar
shitting his pants over this unkillable monster named Grendel
(actually it begins with the lineage of Hrothgar
but raise your hand if you give a shit)
so Grendel is a descendant of Cain apparently
you know
the vegetarian dipshit who killed his brother
and the OTHER thing Grendel is
is he is the ultimate party-crasher

see at the start of this story
basically what Grendel is doing
is every night
when Hrothgar settles down to have himself a sweet party
in his meadhall
Grendel comes charging out of the swamp
humps the door down
and proceeds to play cockhockey with the internal organs
of all the people who are trying to get their booze on
he does this FOR TWELVE YEARS
there are several shocking things about this
one is that these are twelve years of solid murder we are talking about
but more importantly
where do they keep getting dudes
to come to these parties
after say
the first SIX YEARS of unstoppable death
you would think word would get around
like hey
party at Hrothgar’s crib tonight
are you coming
nah man I hear THERE IS A MONSTER THERE WHO MURDERS EVERYONE
but perhaps most bizarre
is the fact that Hrothgar CONTINUES to party throughout these 12 years
this is clearly a man who is committed to partying
i mean think about it
TWELVE YEARS
that’s twice as long as WORLD WAR TWO
and yet every night
Hrothgar mops the blood off his floor
invites all the friends who survived the last massacre
and does that shit all over again
AND HE NEVER RUNS OUT OF MEAD

So this shit has been going on for A WHILE by time Beowulf shows up
with all his men and his sword and shit
basically because he heard there was something suicidally dangerous he could do
and i guess he was bored of punching mountains in the face
and eating swords and fire and shitting shrapnel

so after scaring the shit out of the coastguard
Beowulf busts into Hrothgar’s meadhall
like HEY I HEARD YOU HAVE MONSTERS
WELL ACTUALLY JUST ONE MONSTER
THAT’S NOT THAT MANY MONSTERS
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT
TO EVEN IT OUT
HOW ABOUT I DO IT NAKED
USING ONLY MY FISTS
I’M BEOWULF MOTHERFUCKER
HOO HAH

and Hrothgar is like well alright
but you know
you are not the first person to have this idea
shit has been going on for TWELVE YEARS
I cannot emphasize this enough
and beowulf is like BITCH DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
I CAN PUNCH A HORSE SO HARD IT TURNS TO GOLD
AND WHEN I COUGH
KILLER BEES SHOOT OUT OF MY MOUTH
I’M BEOWULF
DO I NEED TO SPELL IT FOR YOU
I HOPE NOT
BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO READ

and Hrothgar is like
well shit
let’s party

so these guys party
they party HARD
and in the middle of this hard hard party
some dipshit named Unferth is like hey beowulf
I heard you lost a swimming contest against this dude Breca
looks like your ass is not as bad as you would have us believe
and Beowulf
well Beowulf is so fucking pissed off about this
he stops talking in allcaps for a little while

he is like look asshole
first of all
at that point in the competition
we had each been swimming for FIVE DAYS
that is five as in high five
and days as in who the fuck do you know who can swim for five days straight
and i was about to win too
except at that very moment
I got attacked by a fucking SEA SERPENT
so i killed it
OBVIOUSLY
and then i was like shit
well i’m already underwater here
might as well murder eight more seamonsters
and by the time i was done with that the race was pretty much over
so I just passed out and washed ashore somewhere in finland
that is what happened
so you can just go ahead
and spend the next fifteen years of your life
inserting incrementally larger wooden cocks into your mouth
in order to prepare you for the incredible honor
of choking to death on the solid gold tree trunk
that is tasked with holding up my NINE ENORMOUS TESTICLES
so Unferth shuts up after that

then the party kind of starts to wind down
so beowulf just goes ahead and strips naked
in the hopes of making this task as needlessly difficult as possible
which actually he fails to do
because it turns out no weapon on earth can harm grendel anyway
so naked fisticuffs are optimal
(naked fisticuffs are always optimal)

anyway Grendel shows up
makes a big show of ripping the doors off
which actually begs the question
do they replace the doors every day?
or does Grendel replace the doors every day
just so he will have something to rip off at night?
either way he immediately eats one of Beowulf’s men
while Beowulf stands there like HMM I SEE
INTERESTING

but finally Grendel gets around to actually attacking beowulf
except when he reaches down to grab him
beowulf just grabs his arm instead
with a vicegrip honed by DECADES OF FURIOUS MASTURBATION
and it is at this point that Grendel realizes he is in way over his head

so Grendel immediately starts trying to get the fuck out of there
and Beowulf responds by climbing on top of him
steering him into every breakable object in the room
and then tearing off his arm with his bare hands
this is what we call a decisive victory

but of course after that
since Beowulf was basically just holding onto Grendel by his arm
Grendel gets away
and Beowulf is left to bitch about not murdering him outright
while basically getting fellated by the entire Danish party crew
but only figuratively
because actually what everyone is doing
is riding around on horses and yelling a lot
this is what you do when you are excited in ancient Denmark
we have not come very far since ancient times

so that’s part one of three
hold on to your arms
because part two promises to RIP THEM OFF AND FEED THEM TO YOU

NOT THE END AT ALL